Popcorn Moments

These moments… Popcorn Moments.

 
These moment’s they tend to drive me effing crazy while they are happening.
 
You most likely know the moments.
It is the times when you are focused, determined, aware and taking action,
 
But there is still no pop corn popped.
You can hear the sizzle in the pan of the kernels getting ready.
You can feel the heat of the fire that you have built and keep tending too.
 
You can smell the warming oil.
And feel the excitement of how good it will be when they pop.
 
Yes the yummieness of the fresh pop corn, its buttery flavor, its comfort and simple complexity.
 

Yes you know these popcorn moments.

 
Every time you make your mind up that you are going to
 
Get serious.
Make it happen.
Plant your stake.
Get COMMITTED.
Become more than what/who you are.
Access your FLOW.
And become ABUNDANT.
 
Yes these moments.
 
This is what I am speaking of.
 
And then what happen’s?
 

I will tell you what happen’s…

Your child comes to you and asks if he can purchase a game online. It is only this small amount of funds.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your kid comes to you and ask’s if they can go here or there with a friend and they need just $20, NOW.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You open your refrigerator or pantry and see that it is time to go grocery shopping again, and you feel this drop in your gut.
 
Because you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your friend say’s let’s grab lunch, and you really need away from everything and get excited about the connection and sharing.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You really need to take a moment for some self-care and get a massage. You have been working so hard, and you know it is almost mandatory for you to do.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your lover snuggle’s up and say’s, “Let’s grab dinner and a movie, go for drinks and chat.” You see the sparkle and turn on in their eye, you feel the need for connection.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 

Yes here is what happens.

 
We reach for our goals.
Our dreams and desires.
 
We PROCLAIM that we want them,
That we will DO ANYTHING to achieve them.
 
We send out our rockets of desire and watch as they his they pass through the atmosphere into the hands of God.
 
And then we promptly, swiftly,
 
CLAIM that we don’t have it.
 
It is in our words,
Our actions,
Our thoughts.
 
And all of this makes up our ENERGY.
 
If we are not in the energy of certainty,
the energy of enthusiasm,
the energy of allowing ourselves to receive our desired life.
 
Then can we ever REALLY expect that we will create it.
That the BLESSINGS will come down on us?
 
No, Because it is like looking at that popcorn, sizzling away.
Smelling it getting ready, hearing the kernels in the hot oil.
Even seeing and hearing a few pop,
 

And THEN…

 
Removing it from the heat,
And PROCLAIMING that it was NEVER going to happen.
 
In this we not just take our popcorn off the heat,
we toss it in the trash can.
 
And cry about the waist.
 
We blame the popcorn.
We blame the stove.
We blame the oil.
We say the oil got to hot or not hot enough.
 
And then we land on, ” I did not want popcorn anyway.”
 
Sound familiar?
 
We are all guilty of doing this somewhere.
I write this because I caught myself in my own little popcorn moment this morning.
 
Funny how we sabotage that, that we want so much.
So that we can continue to SETTLE for something less.
 
Our comfort is in the LESS though.
Our SUCCESS is in the MORE.
In the anticipation.
In the waiting with intent.
In the energy of IT IS ALREADY HERE.
 

Where are you coming from this day?

Will you ALLOW your popcorn to pop?

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

The Skinny on the “How To”

Holy Sh*t!

You know these moment’s where you just go WTF am I doing?

Yepper’s that has been me this morning.
God most certainly wants me to acknowledge my perceived need that I have to know the HOW before receiving my DESIRE.

I have picked up on my statement of , how twice so far in a conversation about property investment.

I love the idea of the investment property,
I love the idea of the cash flow that it could bring into my life,
I love the idea of venturing out into this land of real-estate investing.

My logical mind though keeps saying, ” Yeah, yeah, that is GREAT! But how?”

Where is the money to invest coming from?
How can you make an offer before you have all your ducks lined up and accounted for?
How can you say, “Yes let’s do this or that, and NOT yet even have any concept as to the HOW?”

WOW!  OMFG!  WOW.

Is this my brain saying that?

I cannot even BELIEVE I am thinking it and having the negative, doubtful thoughts which are creating my emotional response to follow to it,

But ….

I AM.

So, here is the gig…

The whole real-estate thing is neither here nor there in truth. It can effect my household and over all finances and well-being in that area, but it is not my actual passion, focus or desire. It belongs to someone else that I love and care fore and that I support.

Which makes it really bad that I am being the doubting Thomas in my energy and inquiry, but because I feel partly invested into the impact of what it can do for over all family life and I want this person to have success for themselves, my FEAR is creeping up and letting its negative little head be seen and heard.

SO I can say that I am in this state of needing the HOW –
Because I care so much.

EGO.

That is all ego though.
It is not because I care so much, it is not because I of anything other than my program of feeling like like nothing can happen unless you have a plan for it first.

Funny, because this is not how I run my personal life and business.

No, when it comes to what I am working on or setting as an intention, desire or goal, I JUST GO FOR IT.

Or do I?

Here is my epiphany of this morning….

I have trained myself to think that I am JUST GOING FOR IT, without reservation or need to know the HOW, when in fact somewhere inside of me, my ego is flashing me with “How, How, How!”

The how causes constriction in my being through the introduction of doubt and possible failure.

The how causes resistance to my desired life and outcomes by bluntly saying, “You ain’t gotta freakin’ clue as to the how, so how is it to ever work?”

The how rests itself up on a pedestal and looks down at me and assures me that if I were worthy, then I would KNOW the HOW.

Well, F*CK!!!!!

Now the TRUTH is much different.
The truth smiles and says, “You got this because you are f*cking Bada*s!”

The truth say’s lean in and breath in your desires, your wants and your hopes, they are placed within your heart to be not just chased but received, God put them there for your taking.

The truth get’s itself up under our bums and PUSHES US UP, so that we can meet and match our desires and get ready to open to more blessing.

The challenge is that we are scared of our GREATNESS.

The challenge is that we for more comfort in remaining lost then we do in stepping into our soul calling.

When we face the expression that our soul wants and needs to let be seen, to let shine, it requires us to FEEL.

And feeling is scary, so we say that to feel is to be weak.
We destroy our feelings by covering them with medications, alcohol, addictions of all sorts including work and religion.

And then we ASK,
“Where is my path?”

We say,
” I just feel so lost, so unconnected, disillusioned and empty.”

In order to come back to soul though we have to STOP RESISTING what is right within ourselves.

The message of heart.
The message of emotion.

Or we resign ourselves to ignoring our feelings and emotions and REMAIN a lost soul in this thing called life that we are refusing to LIVE.

So yes, my epiphany for today is just this…

I am guilt of buying the bullsh*t of my ego and still thinking I need the HOW before I step fully into my purpose.

Step fully into my radiance.
Step fully into my light.
Step fully into me soul calling
Step fully into being the BadA*s that I know I can be and that God is waiting for me to Step Into.

I am sharing this intimacy with you.
I am sharing that I am often scared to SAY YES to myself.
Scared to SAY YES to my soul calling.
To my heart.
And LISTEN.
Listen to my emotions, my feelings and to that soft voice deep inside.

You know the one.
the one that you try and bury,
but it will not go away.
The one that keeps sharing your desires.
Keeps sharing your purpose.
Keeps nudging you to Be-DO-Have more!

YES.

You know the one.

I COMMIT to be my BadA*s from here on out.

Do You?

Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Dear God, Please Fix Them…

“Dear God please help heal them so that I will feel better.”

“Dear God please get them to change so that I can feel better.”

 

“Dear God please send your angels down to comfort them so that I can get on with my life, they are bugging me.”

 
Yeah God, can you get on that?
 
Right now, PLEASE!
 
They are not doing what I want.
They are not acting the way that makes me feel good.
They are making choices that make me upset.
 
OMFG!
 
How many times if you get right with yourself do you have to admit that this is exactly what you are meaning when you are praying for someone else, or when you are dealing with a relationship?
 
You may have laughed or found yourself bewildered at my statements above, but if you dare dig into your heart you might be surprised at what you discover.
 
You might have to actually REALIZE that these statements are not far from home for you.
 
I know they are not to far from home for me.
I continuously work at letting go of my need to control a situation and other people’s choices, however I still fall into my ego and catch myself doing just this.
 
I find myself in this pile of sh*t,
a.k.a. DRAMA
 
And then somewhere in the shifting through it I come to realize that I have done it yet again.
 
I went and stuck my nose into someone else’s business or tried to interfere with God’s business.
 
Seem’s goofy, but it is true.

 

If you think you are above this but you:

 
Find yourself worried about the outcome of something,
Find yourself worried or concerned about what choice/action someone else is going to take,
Find yourself sad or in anxiety over a choice or action that someone else did,
Find yourself angry at how someone is not seeing, hearing or understanding you,
Find yourself constantly getting people to show up in your life telling you that you should do this or that,
Or you have constant interactions with people who are, well let’s just call them “haters”

Then GUESS WHAT…

 
You are caught in someone else’s or God’s business.
You are NOT tapping into WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
 
Yesterday, I was on the phone with a young man who I care about, but am very upset with the choices that he has recently made in his life and how they have impacted someone very close to me.
 
I had been requested to reach out to him and hold space, as he was going through some really tough events and needed a “sesh with mom” as it was put to me ( although he is not actually my child, I have the ability to show up and mom him, he will hear it from me).
 
Initially when this request was made of me, I instantly felt myself stepping to ego and thinking to myself, “well he just needs to change because I mad at him for this, this, and this.”
 
I felt VERY JUSTIFIED in my anger toward him too.
Thank goodness for doing your inner work,
because I quickly saw my ego and realized that this was not a reaction from my core, my soul.
 
So I said, yes to the request and asked if there was any insight that I needed before calling him,
 
the response was simple, ” I am going to respect him and let him share everything.”
 
This statement came to me with a gut wrenching feeling and thought that I had no reason to think. It was one of those moments when you find yourself questioning, WHY? would I even think that.
 
Yet, I had this feeling in my gut and this VERY BAD thought of what he was going to share with me. So I texted back the person asking me to hold space for this young man, with okay and I shared quickly what had come into me in that moment. Then said that I prayed I was wrong. The response back gave no answer to my feeling, just said call him.
 
Well, I quickly found out that my feeling and thought were accurate.
 
I had been given a psychic message.
My intuition was dead on correct.
My heart dropped as I listened to the tears, the words and the energy.
 
All my anger still sat there with me for the actions that I was mad about prior, but now I felt deep empathy, compassion and even sadness for what he had been through.
 
My ego tried to creep in here and there with, “Karma is a bitch.”
And perhaps it can be.
 
The truth is that due to a lack of alignment is why this event happened.
It was not punishment.
It was not karma.
It was lack of alignment to himself.
 
And here is the thing…
 
We all get out of alignment.
Matter a fact, many of us are out of alignment MOST OF THE TIME.
 
When we are out of alignment with our core.
Our soul.
Our heart.
we are out of alignment with GOD.
 
From here stems ALL of our pain and suffering.
From here comes our neediness and expectation of others to be some other way to make us happy.
From here comes our sabotage.
From here we finger point, blame, shame and guilt.
From here we reside in ego
NOT in love.
 
When we are in alignment, we can open up to love and compassion.
 
For self and others.
We do not expect ANYONE to fix us,
make us feel someway or another.
 
We do not hate, or even really see the ugliness of humanity.
We see that we are all human.
We see that we are all guilty of all the same shit, just at different levels.
We see our lostness in another.
We see our non-alignment in another.
We see our beauty in another.
We see our divinity in another.
 

No matter how that person is choosing to show up, we see our REFLECTION.

 
I chose to reflect love, compassion, forgiveness and presence for this young man yesterday.
 
I chose to instead of judge and damn, to open my heart and risk.
I chose to instead of shut down and armor up to lean in and hold space.
 
I chose to see myself, feel my pain as well as my GREATNESS and beauty. My fear and trust.
 
In choosing these things,
Perhaps,
just perhaps,
I cracked open a door to healing for this young man.
 
Here is to a day,
a day of living from your heart.
From your core.
From your soul
From alignment.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Call It A Blond Dementia Moment.

Blond Moments.

 
LOL… I have these so often.
It truly is not funny.
 
Okay, so it is pretty effing funny.
I laugh at myself ALL the time.
 
Today I was out to lunch with a friend who is part of my KW Team. I was sharing with her my appreciation for her support and friendship and simply all she does for me.
 
And then I had to share this little diddy with her about my blond moment at 6AM yesterday.
 
So if you did not know, I am a horrible control freak.
I really have a tough time delegating in my business.
I have for years done it all myself and built almost everything BUT the info structure and SEO of my website by myself.
I have had help along the way for technical things, but quickly took it upon myself to learn what was happening and then booted my helper and did it myself.
 
Why?
Well, I could feed you some bullshit line here and say that I could not afford the help or we had some disagreement and just needed to split.
 
But like I said, that would be a bullshit line.
 
The truth was, I dumped the help because I felt like it made me weak to ask or need help.
It made me feel like someone else was in control of my life instead of me.
And I simply DID NOT TRUST.
 
I did not trust that they would do what I needed or wanted.
I did not trust that I could release my stuff to them.
I did not trust that God would provide me with the means to pay them.
 

And the BIG one:

 
I did not trust that I was worthy enough to have help.
 
Anyway, this has been a long running battle for me.
Anyone, close to me and is reading this right now is shaking their head YES.
 
Well, a few weeks ago I committed to take myself to the next level of coaching and grow my business. Which means that I would have to grow and learn how to expand myself more.
 
 
And one of the first things I am being faced with is that I am DOING TOO MUCH.
 
I am trying to CONTROL IT ALL.
And I need to just LET GO.
 
LOL…
You would think I would know that.
 
And I do.
But here is my shit.
 
My shit is that one of my tweaks to go to the next level is to delegate and ASK FOR HELP.
 
Ask for what I need.
And then ALLOW myself to RECEIVE it.
 
Okay so fast forward to 6AM today….
 
I am jumping on Facebook to do my daily 6-AM Conscious Coffee LIVE and I decided after three sips of coffee with one eye open that I was going to take the first minute to share my LIVE from my business page to my personal profile where I have over 4k friends and followers. I was thinking it would touch more people and would make a bigger impact.
 
GREAT IDEA.
 
So I do it. I go LIVE, I make the announcement that I am sharing this and doing a quick tech thing and then I get into my talk.
 
I go through a few moments of sharing on the topic- But You Said You Wanted It.
 
When I have a TOTAL Blond Moment.
 
And to make matters worse from just being blond, I freak myself out internally like the zombie apocalypse is happening…
 
Mid sentence, I am sharing a point and think to myself,
” I need to share the Feel Good Now Course” under this live.
 
Like magic, the course pops up under my LIVE.
And that is not the magical part,
It was shared by ME.
 
Except, I DID NOT share it.
 
So, I was like, “W-O-W! That was cool. and Thank you God.”
 

But that wow moment quickly crept into, “WTF! How did that happen and who hacked my account?”

 
Total Blond…
My friend I was having lunch with today, I had given permission to edit and admin my coaching page to.
 
I had asked for her help to run things and support me.
I had asked her to join my team and do just what she was doing.
 
Supporting me on a LIVE.
 
Yeppers, This crazy blond here, forgot she asked for her needs.
And freaked the f*ck out from getting what she was asking for.
 
I guess that could be called a Blond Dementia Moment?
 
IDK.
 
Anyway, moral of my tale this afternoon…
 

Stop trying to control everything.

Let go of what you can, so you can BE-DO-HAVE more.

 
Open up and ASK for your NEEDS to be met.
Then DON’T forget to allow yourself to actually RECEIVE them.
 
Oh, and ALWAYS….
ALWAYS
Remember to Laugh.
 
Laugh at Life.
Laugh at Yourself.
Laugh at your Ego.
 
Find the Humor in your life and it will get easier,
and flow better.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

 

Crash & Rise – Allow Yourself to Shine.

There I was listening to old songs as we drove. The music and the wine blending perfectly in my being.
Imagine Dragons, Incubus, Mumford and Sons, and Awolnation.

Song after heart pounding song.
My voice went with the words, my lips moved softly to form them. 
My heart jerked trying to escape memories.

It was no good though.
I had my heart in a spot where I knew it had to be.
There it was, trapped by my bones and muscles.
It could not run.

It could try and shut down, but my voice would penetrate it no matter. My ears would open and allow those words to drift down,

Down to that wound.
That wound that wanted to remain.

This is how I show my love.
This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby
This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my ADD
Sail!

Yes, maybe I should cry for help as the song goes.
Yes, I do believe that I am killing myself.
At least a piece of me must die in this moment.

It must let go of its diseased fear and die,
So that the rest of me may live.
So that the rest of me might not just heal,
But SHINE!

There I was listening to these old songs that had so much emotion caught in each word that my heart was ready to burst.

“Can you please pull over,” I requested.
Into a parking lot we went and the car stopped.
Not a second too soon too, as I threw myself out of the passenger side to release myself from the constriction of the space that I could run from.

Feeling like my heart was ready to burst, I ALLOWED myself to crumble. There at the trunk of my car, exhaust huffing by my face I crumbled to the ground.

The pavement was warm from the day that had passed still.
The night air was muggy and heavy, much like my heart.
Lifting my eye’s to to the star’s that I could not see,
I was reminded that in order to be seen and to SHINE bright,
we must allow the darkness to come for us.
We must in this dark space, learn to see our own brilliance.
And we must blaze a trail of our own.
Like the stars in the sky that danced before my tear filled eye’s,
I was being given the opportunity to EXPAND.

Let it out!
Let the pain go.
Let the tears wash you clean.
Let the heaviness bury the old you.
Let the breeze carry you away and refresh your soul.

Let GO and Let GOD.
YES.

ALLOW for your healing.
Crumble.
CRASH.

And RISE.
RISE, into the new day.
Rise into the new you.
RISE.

It is your day.
Your day to shine,
And show your love.

And Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living.

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

5 Seconds to Wake the F*ck Up!

Sometimes waking up is so f*cking hard to do.

Have you had one of those mornings where you just want to continue to hit snooze no matter what 😴But you know if you do that you will not get to adulting today and instead just be a lump in your bed or on the couch? 👨‍👩‍👦👩‍🏫👨‍💼

Yeah that is where I was at this morning. 
The last f*cking thing I wanted to do was get up when my 5:45AM alarm went off. I woke up exhausted from not sleeping well due to my 3 year old son who had a rough night with an upset tummy and bad dreams.

All he wanted was to be held in mommies arms.
But that meant this mommy was not sleeping to well herself. Especially with the consistent up’s and downs.

At 5:45AM I was not thinking about being a good mom.
I was not thinking about my soul’s calling or purpose.
I was not thinking about my responsibilities, my desires, my goals.
I was not thinking about any of this.
No.

What I was thinking about was S-L-E-E-P!!!!!
And how could I get more of it.

But there I lay, saying my morning gratitude prayer instead of doing what I wanted so badly to do.

There I lay focusing my attention into the blessings and opportunities that the day was waiting to gift me with. Instead of the worry, frustration and desire to sleep it off and avoid life.

This was a 5 second decision that changed my life.

Yes my whole life.

If I had fallen prey to that calling of sleep and let myself drift off instead of activating my TRUE desire I would have lost the whole day. 🌞

The first 3-4 hours after we wake make or break our days. It is the mindset work. It is the consciousness training. It is the positive infusion of GRATITUDE and INTENTION setting that we do that creates the tone of the day and the tone of our lives.

We have a choice to allow ourselves to be lead away from our true desires and purpose or not.

We each have a choice EVERY morning to slay the day with our hearts and the divine guidance that they give us or to allow AVERAGE and ORDINARY to slay us and our dreams.

Every time we set up the day by hitting snooze.
Every time that we start our day in fear, worry, anger, panic, negative thoughts.
Every time we wake up not blessing ourselves.

We are ALLOWING the day to slay us.
We are PERMITTING our pain and suffering to rule us.
We are committing to a life of LIMITED LIVING.

Today, I committed, made the 5 second executive decision to STEP yet again AWAY from AVERAGE and into my GREATNESS.

I chose my SOUL.💃💃💃
I chose my HEART. 💖
I chose my PASSION.🔥🔥🔥
I chose GRATITUDE, BLESSING 🙏and the

Fu*k YES! Life!!!!!

What did you choose?

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living!

Hard to Breathe.

Some moments seem too hard to breathe through.

 
Have you ever felt like this?
 
You want to run, but there is no place to hide.
You want to escape this world, this life because your heart is so heavy, so full of pain and it feel’s like there is no purpose behind any of it.
 
The more you try to just go with it, or let it go,
The more you smile and just take steps seemingly forward ,
The more you inquire and sit with the pain in quiet moments alone,
The more you attempt to do WHATEVER it takes to allow yourself to carry on,
 
You feel yourself retracting even more.
You feel yourself shrinking into nothing.
You feel yourself letting go of who you were born to be,
Who you long to be.
 
This is what my last year has been like in so many ways.
And in truth, if I get REALLY REAL with you here, it has been longer.
 
Where did my heart get scared and decide it was not safe?
When did my soul escape the confounds of this being?
When did I turn away?
 
Away from me.
Away from my core.
Away from my love.
Away from my wings.
Away from my worthiness.
 
As I inquire deeper and deeper, I just feel more lost, more overwhelmed, more HOPELESS.
 
In these times of self-awareness I stand with a great uncertainty.
And I SEE just how this life long agony of my heart and soul have lead me from moment to moment.
 
Choice to choice.
 
I see that this pain has been a catalyst and a destroyer.
It has helped me to meet myself at deeper levels.
It has shown me some of the darkest shadows of myself.
It has gotten me intimately connected to my desires.
It has cradled me as I cry and fear that I will NEVER be ENOUGH and yet shudder with the concern of BEING TO MUCH.
 
The dagger in my chest that is pushing itself ALL the WAY through my soul ONLY has life in me giving it mine.
 
It has no purpose of it’s own, it is only here bleeding out my light.
It has NOTHING.
 

NOTHING without my attachment to it.

 
So why then do I desire to hold on to it and keep pushing it deeper into my heart?
 
Why then do I find a fascination in the pain?
 
Why then do I believe I CANNOT exist without this pain?
 
I fear being pain free.
I fear being free.
I fear being whole.
I fear me.
 
I fear my greatness.
I fear my light.
I fear my heart.
I fear my worthiness.
 
The moments that are seemingly too hard to breathe through are the exact moments that expand us.
 
It is these La’ Petite Mort of the heart that we gain GREAT insight and we are
 

Rebirthed.

 
We become a new version of ourselves by our own accepting.
Our own honoring.
 
This that feel’s like it will certainly cause us to parish, most certainly will do JUST THAT.
 
It will cause the old version of us to no longer exist.
And if we embrace what it is here for then we will SHINE BRIGHTER than before.
 
Love deeper than before.
Laugh more than before.
Expand our wings wider than before.
Shine brighter than before.
 
These breathless moments, where we can not capture the air that we need for survival as we are.
 

These are our opportunities for GREATNESS.

 
 
And remember,
 

I am here for YOU!!!

Soul Crusader: A person who know’s they are called to be more and is willing to step into their power and answer the call of their soul.  At all cost!

I am here to support, ignite and cheer YOU on!

Yes You, the Soul Crusader.

You know who you are.

You are the one’s who long to stand out and shine BRIGHT as the star’s in the sky,

You are the one’s who have been told for so long that you are

TOO MUCH.

NOT ENOUGH.

The one’s who don’t fit the mold your career, your relationship, your desires, passions, thoughts.

The one’s who have always cried for more, but was uncertain as to how to ask for it.

I AM HERE to support, ignite and cheer YOU on!

Yes You, the Soul Crusader.

The one who hears the rustle and agony of your soul.

The one who feel’s the passion and fear.

The one who WANTS it all,

but has no clue as to whom YOU can TRULY be.

Who can feel their beauty, but can not fully see it yet.

YES YOU!!!

The one’s who  crave FULFILLMENT,

LOVE

PASSION

and

PURPOSE.

Who NEVER fell in love with the idea’s of giving away their hearts and souls to pay the bills and just be responsible, AVERAGE and ORDINARY.

I AM HERE to support, ignite and cheer YOU on!

Yes You, the Soul Crusader.

The one’s who even though they wake in doubt and fear

take the leap into their greatness.

That blind FAITH leap.

Stepping off the cliff of average with a one foot planted in a courage like no other.

A courage springing forward from soul.

From heart.

From God.

Because these are the people of my TRIBE!

These are the people who want to CLAIM their Lives,

Make changes,

Touch the world.

Expand their wings.

and FLY.

This TRIBE, this tribe know’s it is WORTHY at it’s core. Beside the fear, the doubt, the path they cannot yet see, they KNOW that they have GREATNESS inside of them. They know that they, have music that must be played, words that must be written, talks that must be given, teaching that must be shared, love that must be offered and hearts that must sore!!!!

These are the SOUL CRUSADERS.

I AM here for the one’s who want to be F*cked Wide Open by life and fully expressed in this life time.

I AM here for YOU.

Stop Existing & Start Living!

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

 

The Day the Earth Stood Still.

” There must be alternatives. You must have technology that could solve our problem.”  – Quoted from the 1951 Movie The Day the Earth Stood Still

Breathless I feel my heart clenching, holding on for dear life. My ego throwing a fit beyond measure, wanting to rage and destroy, cry and break beneath the pressure of the pain.  I sit there, just  reading over and over again the words that every cell in my being feared the most. How could this be? Why would this happen? How could the love not withstand, and God deny something so beautiful, powerful, and divine? Why would God not desire for our worship of him to come through our relationship and be a path of grace for others. An example of the blessings and beauty that he desires for us?

Ego chanting words of anger, pain, and fear. The primitive mind running a muck and taunting me to react out of this fear and charge forward, saying things I would be sure to regret and did not mean in my heart or soul. No just the wound would be speaking in this moment and it was just the wound of this drastic blow to my heart that I was standing in the epicenter of.  The storm that blew around me keeping me from feeling my truth, my love. Shrouding me in a darkness that spoke of never leaving.  Monsters lurking, screaming out my fears of abandonment, never being able to hold on to love, not being lovable, not being worthy, not being enough and being to much. Telling me IF I had only done this or that then things would be different. The pain, the shame, the guilt and the feeling of being so naive to love again.

After all it was my stupid little girl who was hopeful and certain that this time things would be different. How could they not? I had never gone so deep with someone before. I had never revealed and explored the layers of my soul like I had in this love. I had never trusted anyone to surrender the way that I had with him.

Perhaps it was to much.

Or I was too much.

My eye’s skimming back across the word, “Goodbye.” Almost meditating on it and watching the sky fall outside the window.  My heart not beating fast at all, in fact feeling like there is no beating at all. Am I dead Lord? Where is my breathe? Where is my heart? I am left with neither, only the haunting of my crazed mind and the laughter from something deep in me, taunting that it knew all along that he would do this.

Only sheer seconds passed I am sure, but it felt like a thousand lifetimes flickered their emptiness before me without him.

Yes today, today the earth stands still.

And with it my heart and soul, withering in a corner unable to move, finding that there is no purpose to hold out for hope, for love, or for life. What reason should I move forward. I have no heart for it in his hands, my soul bound to his and now in darkness lost. There is no purpose to moving forward, no purpose to standing up and going on.

And yet, I must.

There in my chair, I look into the eye’s of the corpse that use to be full of love and life. Realizing that I must dress it up and spray perfume on it to hide its rot so that my children and all those I see will not see my pain, my suffering, my self-hatred for not being worthy and now being a sham too boot.

Authenticity. HA!

Love. HA!

Certainty. HA!

Blessing. HA!

These words that we bask in when things are going great, they do nothing for the broken. They get trampled by the pain, the rage, and the fear. They drown in the sludge of our ego’s as we hide.

Our world does not allow us to embrace our range of emotions. It is only socially acceptable to be “okay and fine” or happy. We hide from mourning. We hide from anger and even condemn it. So, what am I to do here on this day that ended the world as I knew it?

Smile.

Make my list.

Control what I can.

Try to breathe a false breath.

Ignore the pain. That is what one is to do in this situation. Ignore it and carry on. Just as he suggested in his goodbye, it is time for me to walk my own path without him. I suppose I could go off and go on a few dates, have some crazy sexual encounters and try and connect to someone else by the use of my physical body. I could hide by grabbing a bottle or two of my favorite drink. I could crash on the couch and veg in front of Netflix for the next century. I could hide my tears and I could stand strong and act like none of this was happening, just throw myself into my work and my children and carry on.

Or…. I could jump in my car and go and scream in his face. Burst into tears and beg. I could let the wild woman out that loves deeply and passionately and will go to war for her love when he is not strong enough to see his heart from all the mist about him. I could make my case and then that for sure would change everything. Perhaps I would at very least feel better in having him stand there and be the persecutor to my victim in hopes that he would decide to rescue me.

But both of those are based in ego. This is not what my spirit desires and knows to be love or my strength.

No, instead it is time to PAUSE.

It is time to go within and allow myself to feel fully. To embrace the rawness of the wound and the beauty of the love that was shared. It is time, on this day that the earth stands still to take a cue from the divine.

LISTEN.

Listen to the stillness.

Listen to the rhythm of this life.

Listen to the voice off in the distance that is speaking. That voice that sounds of truth and love eternal.

Here there is still hope. There is hope for this broken soul of today to heal and to move forward. It will not happen on my timeline, or on anyone’s.  It will not occur because of pushing through. It will not be touched by my masks, my over analyzation or my fear of the future.

No the only thing that will support it is my surrender.

So here you go kind folks, heartbreak is unavoidable. It chases us all down like ravenous wolves and makes us fear it. We dance around and try our hardest to avoid. We believe that by settling for something less than what our hearts and souls desire that we will be safe.

We hide our faces every day of our lives, we shut our hearts to the love and joy that crave to bless us. We speak words of logic in the face of that that we can never grasp. We follow the darkness as it masks itself as light, telling us that we do this or that and behave that we will avoid.

Avoid pain.

What this enemy does not share is that by being average and ordinary and hiding from our passion to bask in the blessings of God and all the beauty of this physical existence that comes with that, that we forfeit our desire NOT just for this life, but for God as well.

True we are not to worship things of this physical world in place of our worship for the Creator, but things of this world can be used as our worship of God. The simple act of kissing a lover can be an act of worship of God. It is the intent of the heart that is behind it that reveals the beauty.

If we choose to live in fear in our physical world then we show no trust of God. We may claim that we are believers, but do true believers fear this world? Or do they embrace it in desire and on fire with the backing of God?

God wants you to desire life.

God wants you to desire love.

God wants you to desire him.

 

Our fear of stepping forward in faith, is nothing more than blasphemy.

Ask yourself today if you have faith or fear ruling your life?

One is of God the other is the enemy.

“Stop Existing – Start Living.”

If that is honor… F*ck It!

Weep for yourself, my man,
You’ll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You’re not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head
But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn’t I, my dear?
 
– Little Lion Man, Mumford and Sons

This one is for the ladies in the house!

Isn’t love just glorious? We find someone that we just seem to click with and something says, YES.  Next thing we know we have invested not just moments of our lives with this someone but we have also given away pieces of ourselves. We have modified ourselves  to make sure that this one does not  get away. Yet something inside of us is leery and uncertain. We are hopeful but full of fear at the same time. It is like we just know that this one too will leave us.
Months go by and sometimes years, we start to get comfortable and the fear of the loss fades for the most part only popping up in moments when we catch him looking at another woman or watching porn, when he starts to pay more attention to his facebook then to what we have to share about our day.  Our fear shows its face when we find ourselves questioning if he still loves us or if we are pretty any more?  Yes here, here we meet our fear of loss. Here we stand face to face with it.  We become yet again certain that this one too will someday break our hearts. Even though he started out so strong, so full of love and desire for us and with a fierce passion and connection that was beyond measure, we just know.  His promises that he would never leave, that he wants to do whatever he can to make us happy and he feels like he does not deserve us only tear away at our core, because we know the truth.

Oh those sweet words.

They kill the heart with each breath of sharing. They have us trapped on the end of a hook that we cannot pull out of our hearts and that we desire so badly to believe.
“I think your the one.”
” I have never loved like this.”
“I love you fiercely and with every part of me.”
” I want to watch you sleep for the rest our lives.”
” I love you so much, there is nothing I would not do for you.”

Yes those words.

All of us have heard them, probably a few times over.  Inevitably though, they are followed somewhere down the path with:
” I need space.”
“I won’t leave you, but I fully understand if you want to break up.”
” I love you enough to let you go.”
and my all time favorite….

” I just want you to be happy.”

OMFG!!! are you sh*ting me right now? Yes I love you enough to let you go.

I recall a few times that men have told me that, matter a fact ALL the men that I have ever opened my heart to from my father, to the boy I loved and lost my virginity too, to the man that holds my heart today and can crush me without notice, and even those that I have thought I trusted fully and loved deeply but knew that they only could have pieces of me.  EVERY man, that I have become close too in m y 41 years of life has stated at some point these words.
On the front side these words feel and look beautiful. After all the man is honoring you and your wishes. He only wants you happy and even if that costs him his happiness then he is willing to suffer.  It will most likely be a most agonizing pain and he may never recover, but as long as you are happy, then the price is not to high to bare.

How sweet.

When we dig a little deeper into these words what I have discovered is that on the face of it, these men truly do believe and desire for our happiness and are buying into their own weakness as being a strength and an act of love.  It is sad that our society has been unbelievably successful at raising multiple generations of men out there that believe this bullsh*t.  And we women just keep embracing it and saying, ” yeah, he really loves me, so much he would give me up and suffer the rest of his days, just so I could be happy.”

This is CRAZY!

He would give you up?

And suffer so you can be happy?

F*ck NO! Ladies and gentlemen who dare read this, lord I hope a few do dare, every time a man says these words to a woman he is calling out to her worst nightmare, her worst fear and that is, ” I am not worth your love.”  Perhaps we are all a bunch of silly school girls caught up in our favorite love story by wanting a knight in shinning armor to come whisk us off our feet, but here is the thing, we don’t really want saved. We live in a time where we women are powerful in our masculine and we can earn the big bucks, we can buy the house and the car, we can raise the kids on our own. Shit we can even have great sexual climaxes with ourselves. Sex is more open these days. We can have as many partners as we desire and we can explore all aspects of ourselves. We most certainly do NOT need the knight to come rescue us, but it would be nice to find a man who did not turn into a scared little boy and hide when shit got hard and just let us go so easily.

This is not a statement of strength men, this is a statement of LAZINESS!

Our society has raised lazy in love, lazy in sex, lazy in connection men.  The men of today only know how to work hard for a degree and a work promotion or how to get the abs they want, if that. They do not nor do many of them have the desire to do the work and stand in the flames of authentic relating with a woman. They feel that they cannot fight for her because that may appear as though they are asserting their masculine power over her in some way and trying to force her to do something she does not want, they feel that if they fight that they will harm the feminine.

And in turn what they are doing is destroying the feminine heart and our trust in the masculine.

To fight for your lady love, does not mean that you don’t take her no for a no. It means that you wake the F*ck UP and start paying attention before things get to the goodbye. It means that you be her knight every day, by slowing down in the bedroom and making love to her instead of asking for the quickie which only says, ” Come here honey, let me use you as a masturbation toy, your physical body and emotions don’t mean enough to me to take the time.”
It means that you take the time to court her and date her even if you just celebrated your 40th anniversary, because you  never have her, you always need to earn her.  It means that you take care of yourself, of your health and your well being because you want to live a long time to be with her. It means that you stop and listen to her, that you inquire and show that you care what is happening in her day. It means that when the goodbye comes that you don’t just sluff it off and say, “I will do whatever you want as long as you are happy,” but instead ask how  can  I capture her heart again?

” A woman does not want to be an object of duty, she wants to be desired.“- John Eldredge, Journey of Desire

We have come to a point in time where men have forgotten how to be men. They have forgotten how to court, how to peruse, and how to desire and love their women.  We women have caused much of this with our desires to be equal and to prove ourselves to the world and to our selves. Our new found feminist superhero forms have us conquering everything like a man but never being conquered through desire or in the bedroom. Here  we are still women with energetic cocks flaunting all over the place and keeping ourselves supposedly safe in our heads where our grand fortresses cannot be overtaken. We control our relationships and we control our sex. Thus we control our lack of true orgasm and we suffer the consequences by raising a male population that believes that they are being mature and good honoring men by avoiding their desire. By not courting and instead suggesting , “Let’s go dutch,” while they let the lady grab the door and carry all the groceries.
“If you are with a man you don’t trust, it is only because you prefer unsurrendered love to surrendering wide open in total trust. It feels safe. You are afraid to let go of control–part of you doesn’t trust love’s command–so you have chosen a man who doesn’t demand your surrender with his depth of integrity. If you did trust the command of love, you would only settle for a deep man capable of opening you more deeply than you could instruct him.” — David Deida, Way of the Superior Man
The issue here is not over doors and groceries, physical strength or even courtesy, no the issue is that men are NOT LEADING. Men are not COURTING. Men are not PERSUING.
Men are HOWEVER going against their true nature and living outside of their integrity, everyday. They are doing this with their woman and they are doing this all areas of life.

“The way you penetrate your woman, is the way you penetrate life.” – David Deida

Men in today’s world are scared to lead and have no concept of what leading looks like especially when it comes to intimate relationship.  So they screw up left and right by being overly direct or skittish.  They have no middle ground where they lead.  Today many men suffer, yes this they do, they suffer from a lack of desire,  a lack of leadership, a lack of manhood. Today men do things in hopes that it will be honoring and respectful, show the women how they feel, but in turn they only end up hurting the woman, the relationship and loosing the girl.
They will loose her every time too, until they awaken to their truth.
Women must stop accepting men at this level and we must STOP encouraging it by continuing with this superchick mentality of , ” I got this!” Men must on the other hand learn to go to their deepest levels of self and feel into themselves. They must feel their  desire, they must feel their deep love, they must feel their fear and breathe into it, not past it but into it.  It is through the fear, the deep love and the desire that their purpose is and it is NOT until they embrace their purpose as a man that they can keep the girl.
A woman WILL NEVER respect a man who does not have purpose. She will NEVER trust a man who cannot feel himself fully and her fully, and she WILL NEVER surrender to a man who cannot LEAD.

” I love you enough to let you go.” Is a statement of a broken masculine.

Ladies, embrace your men with love and wild abandon. Do this through demanding him to stand in his leadership role.  STOP feeling like he is trying to conquer you with control and start seeing how his desire is your surrender.  If you love your man, TEST YOUR MAN.  Without your tests and fires he will never embrace his heart. Until he embraces his heart he will remain lost. Here is where the feminine leads the masculine. We lead him into his heart by opening our own.

In order to do this though….

We women must first regain our connection to our hearts and pussies and become the divine feminine that God created us to be.  We women have forgotten our hearts as well and are mad at the masculine for not feeling us, when we ourselves have forgotten our hearts desire and are fearful of receive the blessings that lye there.

The first step to true honoring is this…

LEAN INTO YOUR DEEPEST LOVING HEART.

LEAN INTO YOUR DESIRE.

And F*ck this false version of honor!

–KW