Are You Hiding From The Truth In Your Relationship?

Retraction.
The holding of the breath.
The gripping of one’s fist.
Fidgetting.
 
What we expereince when something is shared that we don’t want to hear.
 
It can be hard to hear our partner speak about what they are feeling. How they are thinking. Or the challenges that they are having in the relationship.
 
It can be terrifying at times and make us question if the relationship will survive.
It can make us feel weak,
defeated, not enough, lost even.
 
When our partner throws a verbal dagger at us,
whether they know it or not,
it hurts.
 
And we find ourselves tossed between gratitude for finding out and a desire to not know any more.
To just make it go away.
 
The gratitude is our soul telling us that this is what is needed,
if our partner had not openned up and shared then that would mean that the relationship was already dead and it was just a matter of time till we discover its corpse.
 
This is what happens frequently however,
so often couples carry on and one partner is blind and deaf to the truth of what state the relationship is in, until it is too late and then they scratch their head in confussion of , “How is this possible, I thought everything was good?”
 
If we lean into the desire to make this pain go away and to not hear it anymore,
we may find ourselves retracting our love to our partner.
We may find ourselves just simply disregaurding what they are sharing and moving along as though it never happened.
Hoping that if we don’t talk about it or give it attention that it will change on its own.
 
This is detrimental to the releationship, however.
Making excuses up as to why you cannot focus on this right now, saying that this is the wrong tme to bring it up, saying that its all in our partners head or that thats not true, are all statements sharing that you do not value your partners feelings, thoughts or heart and that you are more caught up on the gut punch and how bad it was of them to make you feel this or to ask for something.
 
This is also detrimental to the realtionship.
 
The ONLY path to choose in this instance “IF” you desire to keep the relationship that you have and to make it strong and happy again is to PAUSE and listen without denial, without hiding, without excuses or fighting.
 
This is what is referred to as
“holding space.”
 
Coaches and therapist’s do this all the time for their clients.
The answers are often formed through the venting,
the sharing, the allowance of the feeling.
 
As a couple, if you desire to take some bad news shared and turn it into gold, then this is the sapce to start in.
 
If you close the door to the communication,
if you get angered or bitter about the sharing,
if you go into attack mode,
or allow your fear to control,
then you will find yourself pushing your partner further away.
 
Communication is the key to holding a relationship together.
Communication is the key to healing a relationship.
Commincation is the key to building trust, intimacy and love.
 
But communicating means listening without judgement or a need to be right or change what someone else is feeling or thinking.
 
Comminucation also means presenting a safe space where your partner feels permission and safety in speaking what they need and that their words will be heard and acknowledged.
 
Commincation means sharing your truth.
Sharing what you are feeling, fearing, troubled with, needing, not liking, liking, loving.
 
If you want a turned on, empowered relationship then you have to move away from surface level relating.
You must be willing to hear it all and hold that space for self and your partner.
 
You must be willing to offer what is going on with you and INQUIRE about what your partner is expereincing,
 
Most relationships today do not do this.
They believe that they do,
but they don’t.
 
Most relationships accept the answer of,
“I am good. I am fine. We are good.”
 
The simple truth is that relationship requires work, time, energy, truth, compassion,communicating, stepping back from a need to be right.
 
If you don’t take the time right now to share with your partner or to hold space for your partner to share and actually listen to what they are sharing, understanding that every share is valuable, then what you will discover is that your relationship will end.
 
If you claim that you love your partner.
Claim that you love your relationship.
Claim that it is the most important thing to you.
That it and them matter.
 
Then let it be witnessed through your actions of taking the time and making it priority.
 
Without shame.
Without guilt.
Without anger.
Without retraction.
Without accusations.
 
But with LOVE.
 
If you think you don’t have time to do this,
then I promise you that you will find a time that it will not longer beasking for your time.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for 1:1 couples and individual coaching availble world wide and/or group coaching focused on this and more.

Laughter, Crisis and How To Move Forward.

Laughter is like a windshield wiper,
it doesn’t stop the rain but it allows us to go on.
 
In times like these it is vitally important to the well-being of your mental, emotional and physical health as well as the world’s energy to find joy and laughter in each day.
 
I cannot stress enough that THIS is how we heal this crisis situation.
 
Through finding the blessing in the cloud that is raining on our earth today.
 
THIS is how we move forward.
And we only ever have today to live,
so why make it a day that is fearful?
Why not focus on beauty?
Why not focus on connection?
Why not focus on your dreams and goals?
 
You can have your best life TODAY.
 
But you must look for it.
You must allow it.
You must give yourself permission to feel it.
 
I don’t know about you,
but it has been a rough few weeks.
It has been trying,
and hard to not get caught up in all the fear.
It is so easy to loose sight of hope when the storm clouds just will not go away.
 
But sadly if we focus on the storm and the floods that it is creating with fear,
then we never will be able to see the opportunities that are being presented by them.
 
And I promise you this….
There is ALWAYS an opportunity in the storm.
 
In order to find hope again,
we must first recognize where we have turned our attention.
And then guide our thoughts toward those that serve our best outcome instead of feeding our fear.
 
By applying our attention like this we open up the flood gates to creative thinking,
which allows us OPPORTUNITY to find solutions.
 
Much like the rain on our windshiled,
we cannot see the road before us or the turns that we must make if we get caught on the rain drops.
 
The rain drops that encompass our path today,
are our thoughts.
 
And these thoughts dictate our feelings,
and send us down the rabbit holes that we choose.
 
To clear that path,
to clear the fear,
the limiting thoughts and the seperation from our truth,
we must break the chaos with joy.
 
The little moments.
If we each take this time of isolation as an opportunity to reconnect to who we each are,
what really matters to us,
and become more present in our lives and bodies,
in our relationships and ideas,
then we WILL come out of this storm,
our fires will not be put out but instead we will be purged of all that does not serve us any longer and moved forward on our path as individuals and as a world society.
 
The stillness and silence that so many are fearful of is a beautiful mediative space to go within,
the slower life is an opportunity to do the things that you have put off,
to do self-improvement work,
to change habits to ones that support the life that you want.
A time to catch up on things that you have not had an opportunity for,
and to set goals for the back half of the year and for the next five years.
 
The slower lifestyle,
the “forced” staying at home and being with family is an opportunity to build strong family relationships,
to actually get to know those that you are sharing your world with,
and to take a moment to share with them.
 
The isolation that we have in current is a great opportunity to see what matteres most and start to focus more on just that.
The seemingly simple little things are actually the BIG things.
 
Smiling at a stranger,
making eye contact and allowing yourself to feel your heart,
Playing with your child.
Holding hands with your lover.
Laughing.
Breathing in the cool air on a sunny day.
Family dinners.
and so much more.
 
Today I encourage you to focus on the life that you want.
To bring your thoughts into alignment with what you desire instead of what you fear.
 
And remember that TODAY is all you ever have,
so why not make it the day that you want.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grwon A*s Believers”
Now accepting applications for 1:1 coaching.
Learn how you can let go of that that causes you stress and fear and truly create the life that you’ve always wanted for.
Plus inquire about my group coaching for ways to reduce anxiety and stress with a 5 week mastermind on the vagus nerve.
 

The Avalanche of Negative Momentum in Relationship – How to Cope?

Have you noticed that a lot of challenges and upsets in your relationship happens because of one person’s sensitivity to what is being said or what they “think” they are hearing?
 
And have you noticed that after you have been with someone for a bit,
that is feels like when you get into a confrontation that there is no bottom to how deep and dark you can take it?
That there seem’s to be no bottom to the level of pain that you may venture into,
or the memories that you can come up with?
 
And it all feels so nasty, does’nt it?
It feels so real.
 
Arguing is never a fun thing in relationship.
Especially in our most intimate relationships.
 
But what causes this?
And how can we more consciously deal with this negative momentum that occurs in our fighting?
 
First, its important to relaize that it is NOT a reflection of who you are,
or who your partner is,
or what your relationship is.
 
Its just a vibrational discord that is occuring.
Its a reflection of your energies not being aligned in that moment.
 
And one of the best things you can do it to speak just that.
And state that it is JUST A MOMENT.
That it is a moment of imbalance.
 
It has no permancy to it.
Realize that you are both making too much of it.
That with all the beauty,
all the blessings that you have in life,
that what you should be doing is feeling just that,
BLESSED.
 
But, don’t get caught up in the judgement of this realization.
Remember that compassion heals,
judgement harms.
 
Recognize what is happening in compassion,
be easy on yourself and your partner.
 
And, then remember that there is momentum in your energy that is moving you along like this,
Realize that this event that you are standing in right now,
is NOT from RIGHT NOW.
It has been building up momentum for some time,
it is residual momentum in your energy.
Just something triggered it.
 
Even though you may be feeling like you got blindsided by this dorment momentum,
that it’s okay.
 
Know that your vibration is where you last left it.
Meaning that just because this event is happening,
does not mean that you have to fall prey to your old vibrational ways of dealing with it.
 
You are being offered the opportunity to move forward with new eye’s as to how you wish to position yourself and where you want to go with your energy.
 
If you lean back into all those old memories that will so easily fester themselves up right now,
or you ponder all the times he/she said/did…
then you are now contributing to the momentum.
 
Leaning into ease and letting go of the energy,
you may feel strange or even fearful,
you may feel like you are jumping out of a plane without a parachute,
however the reverse is you fighting for your point,
and increasing the momentum of what you do not want.
 
Feeling insecure.
Self- judgement.
Self- Blame.
Feeling inconsiderate to each other.
And the list goes on and on endlessly.
 
As I am sure you have expereinced a few times in relationship fighting.
 
Instead try speaking this:
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
This statement offers zero judgement about the momentum or where it came from.
 
Its all accurate and real,
you are not making up the imbalance,
you are now just not adding to it.
 
You can want for whatever you are wnating for.
It is good and healthy to want.
The only thing you need to embrace is that in order for you to have what you are wnating for,
you must be a match to it,
and you cannot expect or demand another human being to act or be any particular way to get you what you want.
Or to make you happy.
Otherwise, this is making them a conditional lover.
Which makes your relationship one of need instead of love.
 
Instead when you step away from being conditional lovers/partners,
 
you now take responsibility for your own happiness.
You can say to your partner that you love them,
but that you are not going to act or do something just to appease them,
or to sooth their emotional state of being.
You can let go of the riegns of responsibility of what they are thinking or feeling and encourage them that this is thier moment to self-sooth.
Knowing that this is empowering to them and to you.
And even though there may not be any reaction changes,
you can stand at more peace because you are being authentic and in alignment whith your TRUTH,
verses being a conditional lover.
 
Think about it,
all relationships are the same.
In every relationship there is a dominant person and a submissive person,
and this can work well for many things,
it is also looked at as the masculine and the feminine,
we need the polarities in relationship to have attraction and desire,
but these poles can be abused.
And often are out of the name of love.
but when we access that poyant reality of who we all are,
children of God,
then we must also realize that the most loving thing in relationship is to accept and honor,
that no one is your boss and you are not the boss of anyone.
 
This concept of I own you.
I posess you.
Because I love you.
Is abuse of the word love.
It is not of the heart and soul,
but of the ego and fear.
Thus pulls us out of alignment and consistnetly builds and triggers such negative momentum as we have been speaking of here.
 
Realize that when you are looking for some sort of behaviour shift that what you are doing is trying to be the boss of your partner.
 
So instead of letting the momentum carry you to actually screaming these things at each other,
pause and say…
 
” I love you too much and I love me to much, I love us to much to continue this negative momentum.”
 
And PAUSE!
 
Yes pause.
This is the space to go your seperate ways,
to reflect and breathe,
to refocus yourself from fear and back into love.
 
This is also you putting the most important relationship back at center stage in your life,
that being the relationship with self and God.
It must be paramount.
And if you can make this relationship of the highest importance,
then your partner will follow,
because you will be in alignment and you will be magnetic in your ways,
acting and speaking out of love once again.
 
And this is where you move from.
A higher vibrational acting point.
 
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Looking for moree clarity and tools as to how transform your relationship of now into the relationship of your dreams?
Message me about privtae coaching strategies that show you the way.

I View All My Clients As Lovers.

It is frequently assumed that I go on many dates with many men..

It is assumed that to be a coach who teaches people how to have more, and deeper better sex that I must be loose or easy to bed.

That sex is something I am addicted too even.

Its often assumed that because I am the mother of seven that I am uncontrollable and quenchless in my thirst for sex or orgasm.

People often say to me,
” you would think that a sex coach would have figured out what causes pregnancy by now.”

Many look at me with horrified questioning eyes as they inquire if I will have any more children or why I am not currently married.

The assumptions roll through thier minds and almost escape thier lips.

Perhaps even you dear reader and follower wonder and question.
Perhaps you are among the assumers.
And I want you to know that I thank you.
I thank you for all that you feel.
All that you think.
And all that you sometimes goofily share in your assumptions.

I see your humanness.
And I do not judge it.
As you judge me.

I know what my truth is.
I know whom I love.
I know that my heart,
My message and my calling is felt and seen by those it is meant for.

Not everyone can be like a taco as my best friend would say.
And even though I may have a body part that resembles,
I am still not a taco.

I write this musing this evening to shed the light on how we judge what we do not understand.
How we cast stones with certainty,
But are enraged when they are thrown back without due reason in our opinion.

Today I share with you from a place I choose to call the labyrinth of mirrors.

This is the place where we can choose to see ourselves in ALL we come in contact with on our life journey,
Or we can turn away from them,
Look downward and become lost in the maze of our own fears and self criticism.

What do you choose my sweet human?
To be judge and jury to all in your life
And that you meet on your path.

Or to be human.
To be human means to be compassionate.
To self and to others.
To know that we do not know what anothers shoes are like.
What the path they have traveled took them through.
To be human means that you stand as witness not judge.
And to witness another is one of the greatest gifts we can ever offer.
To allow ourselves to be witnessed is the next.

Just yesterday I was working with a dear client of mine. This man has love streaming from every energy fiber he has. And yet he struggles with allowing himself the simple pleasure of recieving that love back.

I left him with the words,
” One day I hope you give me the gift of you allowing yourself to recieve my love.”

Now that statement may instantly bring up assumptions and judgments in you about me.
Or my coaching practice.
What does Kendal do with her clients?
Is she in romantic relations with them.

And you can assume.
You can judge.
And you can cast your head down and keep stubling through your maze.

Be my guest.

What I can tell you is that each day it is revealed and I am reminded of the deep intimacy I hold with these souls that are labled my clients.

They are not my clients.
They are my lovers.
I love each of them deeply.
Men.
Women.
Couples.
The intimacy, vulnerability, rawness and depth that they trust me with is without messure one of the greatest gifts of this life time for me.

And yes….
I love my clients.
I love them for thier willingness to stop bouncing off the walls of thier maze and instead to sit still and let them selves be revealed through the mirrors that are presented on thier path.

I love them for thier courage to catch thier inner judge and jury and fire them daily,
While loving themselves at a more intense level.

I love them for the tender moments that they give grace…
TO THEMSELVES.

I love them for the humor and laughter as they learn how to skip through thier errors and self defeating patterns.

Yes they are my lovers.
And I love them for the blessings that they are.

Now back to that dating thing….
I have dated a few men in my time.
And I have dated many at the same time.
But the men of my current…
The men I choose daily.
These men you may or may never meet…
Some can be captured in picture.
Others in story.

More than one?
Yes in deed.

And does it matter whom they are to you?
Well lets just see if you have been listening.
The judge.
The jury.
They have your answer.

But the mirror will never lie.

As Always My Loves,
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

 

Stop Lieing To Yourself- You Are Poly-monogomish FOREVER!

Poly-monogomish FOREVER!
Can’t help it.
Just the way I am wired.
This identification does not mean that I won’t be monogamous.
It does not mean I will cheat or get bored.
It does not mean that I believe I need more
or are unhappy in anyway.
It simply means that I love relationship.
Value intimacy.
And stand firm with my integrity.

It means that those I choose to be in relationship with hold an eternal and special space in my heart.
That if my soul leads me to engage in any fashion,
To explore another being however called too,
That I embrace this pull and understand that it is perfect and meant to be, without question.

Many believe that to be polyamorous means that you desire sex with multiples.
That you are dating and being physically intimate with many.
But what polyamorous truly means is to have love and to embrace love and relationship with more than one.
Anyone who has more that one child,
Has more than one friend,
Loves both parents,
And all thier siblings,
Is engaging in a polyamorous loving.

Many years ago a dear friend of mine looked at me and said,
” You are living a polyamorous lifestyle in everyway but your sex. Perhaps you should explore it.”

His words rang so very true to my core.
And he was accurate in his view.
So I ventured onto the sexual path of polyamory and all it could intale.

Now this is not a personal share of the romance, sexing and relations of multiple lovers.
Its also not a share on how amazing polyamory is or how fucked up it can be.

But it is a share on acceptance.
On embracing who you are at your core regardless of what the norms of society say they should be.
Its a post on knowing yourself enough to allow your own happiness to flow.
And to even ASK for it.

Its a share based on living authentically.
In integrity.
And not just using these words because they feel good or make you sound like an awakened soul.
No.
But to actually LIVE by them.

Yes what I share here is about living in conscious surrender to your HAPPINESS.

And to communicate your needs.
To communicate where you are at in any relationship.
Its a share about what loving self and having self respect really means.
Its a share about your truth.
Its about you not wanting to accept that you are polyamorous just like me.
The only difference is your lack in comfort to speak what you want.
What you need.
What you desire.
And your unwillingness to see WHO YOU ARE.
Living blind to all the love that you give.
To all the people that you care about.
That you are in relationship with.
Or that you wish to someday be.

Yes I am poly- monogamous ALWAYS.
I am polyamorous in my life in all ways.
Those seen and those only felt.
I make a decision in moments of my relationship experience to be monogamous or not.
But the S-E-X,
the sex never has anything to do with it.
Outside of a desire to connect, be seen, or enjoy self or another at a more raw level.
Its never about the orgasm.
Its always about the love.
The connection.
The happiness.

And the greatest happiness and deepest connection comes from integrity.

Integrity with self.
With God.
And with others.

The ultimate self love and respect as well comes from this place of not hiding.
Not story telling.
But breathing in ones own TRUTH.

And when we can do this.
We can also elevate our relationships.
Our love.
Our sex.
Our understanding.

As Always
Stop Existing & Start Living
Coaching for Grown A*s Believers

Message me for my unannounced Holiday 1:1 Special Now.

Exhaustion is a CHOICE.

YOU WORK FOR YOURSELF SO YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME THAT YOU NEED.
 
 
And other statements that show that you have no comprehension of life or the power of manifesting.
 
My entire life I have dealt with people telling me something.
Assuming something.
And thinking that they have it worse or better than I do.
 
The reality is that no matter where you are at in life,
there will ALWAYS be someone in worse shoes,
and someone in better shoes,
than yours.
 
You cannot go through life concerned about other people’s shoes.
 
Or choices.
Or time.
 
But to look at another person’s situation and use it to show WHY YOU CANNOT do what you need is crazy AF!
 
Yet this is a common occurrence.
 
Every week I work with people who come and sit down with me for coaching,
they tell me their tough stories on how they got to where they are at,
they paint pictures of suffering, fear and anxiety.
They paint pictures of how hard life is.
And how much they hope for.
They tell me their grand faith and love they have,
about their desires and dreams.
They affirm a strong commitment.
 
And then….
 
They say,
“Yeah, but how long is this going to take?”
 
“You just don’t understand, I have kids and a corporate job. I don’t have the time or the energy. I am exhausted.”
 
And they say this as though they should get some medal for living an exhausting life.
 
They believe that this is just how success is.
How life is.
and what is to be expected.
They also assume that the anxiety, depression, frustration and constriction…
 
the sacrificing of their dreams and selves is what a smart, responsible person should do.
 
NOTHING could be farther from the truth though.
 
This way of thinking and feeling holds you in a scarcity mindset and thus keeps you living a life of poverty. You may have money, but if you are exhausted and empty you are actually POOR AF.
 
As Brene Brown would say,
“It takes courage to say yes to rest and play in a culture where exhaustion is seen as a status symbol.”
 
And exhaustion leads you to anxiety.
It leads you to depression and hopelessness.
 
Exhaustion creates a massive void in who you are.
 
It is no status symbol,
it is a premature death sentence,
and you don’t have to be 6 feet under to be dead baby.
 
What you get is an UNLIVED LIFE.
 
Just think about that one for a second if you have the mental focus to do such after this long ass day.
 
Are you among the norm out there of this world?
 
Like most people who have two lives…
 
The one you are living and the one you keep denying?
 
The Unlived Life.
 
The reality is babe…
 
YOU GET TO CHOOSE.
 
The reason I have the energy and vitality for the life that I am creating is simply because I have chosen to LIVE not just get by and exist.
 
I have had years,
even a decade or two that I chose otherwise and that shiz almost killed me.
 
My SOUL was like WTF! We are outta here if you keep this shiz up girl.
 
And I had to CHOOSE LIFE.
Or say goodbye.
 
Sure I work for myself,
I make my own schedule,
I decide my value in my fee’s.
I have no thumb on me.
I have freedom and flexibility.
TIME.
 
And with all of that comes responsibility.
Dedication.
Commitment.
Desire.
 
I choose to focus on what I want to create and therefore it gets created.
 
A long time ago I said that I wanted to be a full time mommy.
That I did not want my children to have to go to daycare and be raised by someone else.
 
I also said that I wanted to provide home cooked meals for my children 80-90% of the time.
 
I also said that I valued dating my children, all 7 of them.
Spending 1:1 time with them.
I also said that I wanted to take them on experiences,
to adventure together, to laugh, read, play…
 
And that I wanted this frequently.
 
Now on the other side of things I said that I wanted to make a multi-six figure income.
That I wanted to build an empire.
I wanted to teach masses of people.
I wanted to work with the 1%.
 
I said that I wanted to look good and feel great as I age.
I said that I wanted to be healthy.
That I wanted to travel – A LOT.
 
I said that I wanted all of it and desired for more.
Knowing that my desires would grow as I created more and more of the life that I wanted.
 
I share this with you to make the point that I get busy.
Busy life.
Ton’s happening.
Chaos.
Drama.
It’s all part of the picture.
And being center hub for a bunch of people can be EXHAUSTING…
 
LOL.
 
The thing is that any of us can have a truly amazing, fulling life if we DECIDE to actually commit to LIVING.
 
This means to put the focus not on always working,
not making all those bills and creditors,
your boss or employee’s,
your clients,
the football game or candy crush,
more important than your Mother-effing Life!
 
Because that is just being average and ordinary.
And you are NOT THAT LUV!
 
You are EXTRAORDINARY.
 
So Own It!
 
And Live accordingly.
 
Are you living in alignment to WHO YOU REALLY ARE?
Or are you settling for something less than…
 
Be Real…
 
And Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on my 1:1 global coaching opportunities today. Limited private coaching opportunities available.
 
 
 

Your Criticism Enables My Scarcity Mindset.

 

Your criticism enables my scarcity mindset!

Why can’t you just be happy for me?
Why can’t you just smile and let me live my life?
Why do you have to always try and fix what you deem broken,
when perhaps….

Just perhaps its not broken at all.

I get that your intent is not to slice me to the bone.
I get that you have no concept of the shame, the fear, the lack of worthiness that you trigger each time you aim to fix what you think needs fixing.

But honey beware.

Your words are powerful.
although you do not control me.
Ultimately it is my choice to fall prey to your desire for my brokenness,
be warned that these words you cast upon me and others,
be warned that these judgements,
these criticism’s have power.
And even the strongest in nature,
those of us who rebel from the control,
yes even us can be penetrated after time,
with these words of fear.

As time passes and you search for more weakness in me,
as you look for how you can save me,
teach me,
heal me,
support me,
your words become like Chinese water torture,
like nails on a chalk board.
They make me cringe,
they set me on defense.
They steal away my ability to feel you.

And now I stand here guarded.
Ready to take my punishment.
Now before I even start to share,
before I take any step forward or to the side,
I already hear your words of criticism,
and I know…
I know that no matter what I do,
no matter how turned on I am to my life,
no matter how much in flow and a state of passion I might be,
no matter the creative genius that wants to stem from my core.

I know.
I know that in your eye’s I am broken.
I know that in your mind I need to learn.
I know that you see me as this child,
this silly naive thing that needs your saving,
needs your fixing.
And so why bother?
Why even try and speak my truth?
Why try and do anything,
because I already know.

And so I settle into the average and ordinary.
I settle into the surface level relating.
Depth and being seen is too painful.

I feel stupid.
I feel dumb.
I feel ugly.
I feel unlovable.
I feel like no matter what,
it does not matter,
because I am wrong.

Or I will get it wrong.
Or it will be messed up by my touch,
by my words,
it’s just me.
And I should just not be.

Your criticism enables my scarcity mindset!
You enable me to not step up and be all that I can be.
You enable me to fear my power.
You enable me to fear my creative soul.
You enable me to keep hating myself.
You enable me to see all my lack of worth.
You enable me….

AND FOR WHAT?

Do you really believe that your words of judgement will entice me into becoming more?
Do your really believe that you know my calling,
my purpose,
my heart better than I or God?
Do you think that your need to fix me is inspiring?

Because it is not!
And lucky for me…
I will never listen.
And when I feel these chisels from you to cut me down,
to make me fear,
to make me become logical.

Yes lucky for me,
I am a F-CK YOU!

and I will move away.
I will step back.
I will turn around.
I will not listen.

Instead I will laugh.
Because you,
you are the lost one.
You are the broken one.
You are the one that needs me.

But honey,
that you will not ever have.
Because the tribe I run too,
is a tribe that is wild.
A tribe that is free.
A tribe that is supportive through love.
Supportive through the building up.
Through the appreciation.
Yes that is my tribe.

And so I encourage you to stop this ridiculous need of cutting down, and finding fault, of looking for what is broken or wrong.
I encourage you to instead step into your power.

I encourage you to look for what makes you happy with me.
What makes you happy with life.
What makes you happy with you.

Because all this criticism although seeming pointed at me,
it is not I that you actually have issue with,
it is not I that frustrates you so,
it is not I who needs your saving…

But it is YOU.

So look in that mirror my dear.
Look closely in your eye,
and tell yourself something positive.

Then continue to speak those words.
Because what you focus on grows.

I love you.
You are worthy.

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

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MY INTIMACY SHARE ON CURRENT FAMILY LIFE BLESSINGS – FROM A MOTHERS HEART- WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

MY INTIMACY SHARE ON CURRENT FAMILY LIFE BLESSINGS- FROM A MOTHERS HEART – WHAT I HAVE LEARNED

Feeling in love this morning as I get ready for the day and the next two weeks of adventure. I am in gratitude for the lessons and experiences of my past,

as without them I would not appreciate that which is with me today in my relationships, lifestyle, and being. It is so obvious to me how easy it is to take things for granted until we are faced with the not having them and sometimes we have to go through great suffering to appreciate that which our heart desires.

The simple little things mean so much.
It’s the smile from your child when they see you walk in the door.
It’s the warm embrace from your partner for no reason.
It’s the kind acts of service, no matter how small that show such care.
It’s the time taken for a conversation without attention to some device.
It’s the snuggling before bed or the good morning kiss.

When Levi makes me breakfast unexpectedly my heart smiles and I feel so blessed.

Every day when Zach chooses to stop in and chat with me before going home, I feel blessed.

When Sam comes and shares her awe over Dameion’s newest milestones or just sits and has a beautiful deep conversation with me about women-hood, I feel blessed.

When Rebekah comes in and shares her latest mommy experience or challenge, or when she just walks up to me and gives me a big hug and say, “I love you., ” I feel blessed.

When Jules asks to go out with me for whatever reason but I can tell she actually needs to just have a moment with mom to share something happening and is uncertain how else to ask for it, I feel blessed.

When Zak Miller, rounds the corner in my house and walks over to me and gives me a big hug before anything else or sits and talks from his beautiful heart, I feel blessed.

When Eniqueo and I tease each other and we laugh, or we compete in love over a good game of darts, I feel blessed.

When Gabe, wakes up in the morning and snuggles next to me and says, “I want you to be my snuggle buddy.” or rushes to help me do something without being asked, I feel blessed.

When Rowan grabs me and hugs so tight I can barely breathe and claims me all for himself, ” My mommy!” or takes my hand and asks me to read him a story and snuggle, I feel blessed.

When Kia, Andrew and J storm in my home and run to me with smiles and big hugs, I feel blessed.

When Dameion looks with his big eye’s up at me while I am feeding him his bottle and smiles while slurping back his milk, I feel blessed.

When Steve stops everything he is doing because he noticed that something was not right with me without me saying anything and gives me a hug or when he does all the little things that are actually big things to take things off my table, I feel blessed.

When I catch that mental snapshot of a moment that is awe inspiring of my family connecting and loving, laughing and being them, I feel blessed.

My life is so crazy busy.
My life has so many beautiful souls,
these that I shared a fragment of what I am blessed by and so many other dear friends and sister/brother souls who just light up my world with them just being in it and choosing to share pieces of their life with me.

It is mornings like this morning,
that I am reminded that life has not always been like this.
Life has always been full,
and there is always drama.
But not that very long ago,
my children wanted to be around me but the energy in our home was not supportive.
The laughter and joy,
the deep connective moments,
the conversations,
the family enviroment,
the thought to another,
the connection between myself and my partner,
the love that I so badly wanted to feel,
it was not there.

It was vacant.
And my heart hurt because of it.
My children suffered for the lack of it.
And my lesson is to never settle for so little of such a valuable thing again.

One of the biggest blessing that our lives can have is the blessing of connection.

The blessing that people,
the people that we cherish want to be with us,
JUST BECAUSE.

From my blessed mama heart to yours,
appreciate your blessings and put your focus on them.
They are what make life so beautiful.

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

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Wanting to SAY YES! To Yourself?
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MONEY IS EVIL- PERSONAL SUFFERING IS FAITH BEARING, + OTHER BULLSHIZ IDEA’S ABOUT YOUR WORTHINESS

MONEY IS EVIL – PERSONAL SUFFERING IS FAITH BEARING, + OTHER BULLSHIZ IDEA’S ABOUT YOUR WORTHINESS
 
Why do you not get that you are WORTHY?
 
And why is it that you keep buying into the bullshiz that in order to be worthy you must suffer?
 
Or that because you are suffering that this proves that you are in faith?
 
It is silly gorgeous to think this way.
 
I am just going to break this down for you from a parental perspective,
and maybe you will not agree and I am totally cool with you not agreeing with my views and beliefs, hopefully in that case we can just be mature enough to agree to disagree.
 
With that said,
as a parent I am going make my plea on your worthiness.
 
Imagine your child is growing up and learning about what is good, bad, how to do things, what responsibility, truth is, what love is and is not.
 
Imagine your child makes mistakes. Gets into fights with peers, has opinions that you and others disagree with, experiments with things that you may not want them too, does not always tell you the truth, even bullies other kids or is harsh in judgments about other kids or people. Mocks people.
 
Does this make you love your child any less?
Does this make them NOT worthy of your love or support?
Does this make them less of human to you and worthy of you taking away your love, condemning and shaming them?
 
Imagine your child looses friendships, has heartbreak over their first love, suffers pain in relationships, fears not getting it right, fears not fitting in, fears telling you how they feel. Imagine they hate their bodies, feel misunderstood, outcast.
Imagine they don’t feel safe in some fashion at home or school, in their relationships. They believe that the world is out to get them and they must close themselves off from it to stay safe and make you happy.
 
Does this make your child more worthy of your love?
Does this show their faith in your love and support?
Does this prove their worth, their self-love, their personal power, confidence, self-esteem? Does it build those things?
 
Imagine you have a child that comes to you and says this is my dreams and desires. This is what I feel inside. This is what I want to do with my life and why. Imagine that they say I know that I have made mistakes, that i am not perfect but I know that I am lovable, that you ( mom/dad) have my back, I know that I have better in me and I want to show my heart to this world. I want to experience life and give back. I believe that people are good and we are all worthy of love and greatness. Imagine that this child is working two part time jobs and helping out people in need, that they have big opinions and they speak about what they are good with and what they are not good with. Imagine that they count their blessings. Imagine that this child looks you in the eye and says, ” I know that you don’t want me to suffer. You want the best for me and if I don’t want the best for myself and show my love for myself by standing up and being my best that I not only hurt myself but I hurt your heart too mom/dad.”
Imagine that this child goes out and becomes a a millionaire when grown.
 
Does this make you love your child less?
Does this mean that your child is a greedy, selfish a*shole who does not care about anything but money and self?
Does this mean that your child has been brainwashed into the evil ways of this world and they are a disappointment to you?
Does this mean that you will retract your love from this child because they are not bowing their head and feeling bad or suffering enough?
Does this mean that their happiness and success is a sign that they have sold their soul to the devil and are dishonoring their faith, their family, themselves?
 
OF COURSE NOT!
 
That’s crap, right?
 
So why are you letting yourself think this about your life?
Why are you buying into the concept that your suffering and loss,
your lack of cash flow,
your depression, body image issues, your guilt, your fear, your lost-ness is some sign of your greatness in God’s eye’s.
 
Why are you believing that it is pleasing to God to watch you suffer and that those who are living abundant lives are displeasing to God?
 
I am sorry…
(not really)
 
You are dishonoring God and yourself beautiful,
by NOT stepping the f-ck up to who you are and your worthiness.
 
You are dishonoring God’s great work in you by settling for so little and such unhappiness.
 
You are dishonoring God and his belief in you by continuing to remain available for the crap that you set yourself up for in the name of faith in suffering.
 
You are not being your best and therefore not only causing suffering to your heart but as well to God.
 
I believe that we are microcosm’s of the divine.
The things that we feel when we are coming from a pure heart and soul with our children and the things that we want for our children are the same that God wants for us.
 
A healthy, emotionally mature adult parent who is confident and strong in who they are DOES NOT want to see their baby suffer.
Does not believe that their child suffering is better then their child thriving.
Does not think that if their kid gets a good paying job or is strong in who they are that they are less worthy of love or are doing evil things.
 
Yet, for some reason in today’s world many adults are putting this same judgement out there on their peers who want to THRIVE in all areas.
 
These adults pretend to be holier then thou and are quick to point to their sufferings of years to proclaim that this is evidence of their worthiness and faith, all the while pointing fingers of blame, shame and hatred with remarks of judgement out to anyone who shares a message of abundance, self-love, personal empowerment and joy.
 
Silliness.
 
And perhaps, you do not agree with me.
Perhaps you are one of those souls that I am speaking of here today.
Perhaps you believe that the path of suffering is what God wants for you/us.
Perhaps you believe that it is a sad thing to witness people making money from what they love to do and feel called to do.
Perhaps you think that people laughing, traveling, talking about love, connected sex, relationships, money is evil.
 
Maybe you believe that using the “F” word will send God into rage and cancel out all your blessings and shows one’s lack of faith and love in the creator.
 
Perhaps…
 
And perhaps, the opposite is true instead.
 
Perhaps you are among those of us who believe that we are worthy of greatness and abundance,
that God wants us to THRIVE here in this mortal existence and to speak to those ears that listen. No matter the words.
 
The message of YOUR WORTHINESS and POWER and that you are LOVED is what matters.
 
Your beautiful SOUL being let fly is what is of value.
Your HEART seen and felt.
 
Yes.
Perhaps beautiful you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and in God.
 
And have chosen to turn your back on the nay sayers and fear bots that try and stain your faith with doubt.
 
Perhaps.
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/micro-consult/
– Accepting applications for 1:1 private clients for a limited time.
 
 

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.

Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.

Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”

I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.

I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.

Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.

I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.

I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.

The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.

And now,
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.

I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.

I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.

But today,
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.

Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
My SOUL.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.

Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
And today,
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.

Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.

MY ROSE GARDEN.

Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!

My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.

I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.

But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.

Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.

Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.

What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?

You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.