Forced Consent is Not Authentic Consent.

You can’t touch this….
Touch.
Hands on attention.
Something that is so needed,
so human, so intimate and connective.
 
Yes touch is something beautiful.
Unless it is not wanted.
Unless it is given when it is not appropriate.
Unless it is out of one’s boundaries or it is forced upon someone.
 
And it is this final statement that I want to address today.
As a woman who has experienced her fair share of trauma,
and speak about the healing process,
the psychological issue around and how to best prevent further trauma in life,
It has come to my attention over the last week the power of touch, yet again.
 
The same touch that can show love can also trigger fear.
Our hands and fingers can open in a hug and give one with deep care and no desire to harm another,
these same hands and fingers can penetrate another person with fear and trigger old wounds as well as cause new ones with the same action of a hug.
 
How can that be?
How is it possible?
Does that mean that we should just not touch anyone?
Yet here we are a touch deprived society.
Hungry for touch and the fact that we are so deprived has us uncertain as to what is healthy and what is not,
because we are deprived and not taught proper respect and boundaries,
permissions and body language signs,
because we want what we want and tend to overlook another person’s feelings or obvious gestures of not wanting to be touched,
we push ourselves onto others with great disregard to what we may actually be triggering in them or re-anchoring from a past wound.
 
Touch can be healing,
but it can also be harming.
 
Outside of the harmful touch of physical abuse which is what you may think when you read the words of touch can be harmful,
it can still be harmful with a loving, caring, even playful touch.
 
I will bring to the attention what our society is being taught.
 
Recently in America we have dealt with the conversation of touch with our very president being captured stating:
 
“Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
 
This is an extreme statement about touch.
About taking what you want with disregard to another human being. And I see the fall out of this statement in many relationship scenarios from parenting to lovers,
from friends to colleagues.
 
Every time we ask our child for a hug or a kiss and they say “no” and we respond with,
“Come on, mommy/daddy need’s a hug.”
” Give me hug and then you can go.”
“I will give you this if you give me a hug or a kiss.”
 
We are disrespecting our child’s space and answer.
We are teaching our child that it is okay to ignore a “no” and to even try and bribe, guilt or push further for what you want with total disrespect to another’s desire, boundary or need.
 
This then translates to adults who believe that it is okay to push for what they want with a spouse or partner.
 
It translates to adults who do not respect the space, time or feelings of another in any relationship situation.
 
It translates to adults who do not take responsibility for their actions, as they feel that they are doing what they are doing out of a “good” place or a “just or deserving” place, as though they have the right when in fact they do not,
and that no matter how good or right our actions may be,
if they are harming toward another’s boundaries or desires then we need to pause and respect what we are being told or what we are witnessing in energy,
body language coming from another person.
 
Touch.
It is so very powerful.
And our boundaries around it can ebb and flow within any relationship and moment by moment in our lives.
A touch that felt good yesterday may very well close us down to connection the next.
 
And the thing to remember about touch is that it extends past the physical.
 
Touch is about how we touch another person.
 
We can touch another person with our physical body,
we can touch them with our words,
we can touch them with the look from our eye’s,
the expression on our face.
We touch other’s all the time.
How you touch them is the question that I encourage you to review in your life today?
 
Are you honoring and respectful?
Do you listen to their body language as well as their words?
Can you hear their truth and accept it just as that,
without needing approval from them or needing a reason as to why they think, feel or need what they need?
 
Or are you operating from a place of self-centeredness?
A place of need and hunger?
 
When you are in relationship with anyone,
no matter the intimacy level or actual label on the relationship,
do you give…
do you touch…
do you speak…
do you act…
out of the place of unconditional respect and love or are you wanting something and wanting to feel a certain way,
with the belief that if this other person “supports” (gives) you what you are wanting by allowing you to act, speak, give, touch, etc… the way that you deem good in that moment,
that this is what “should” happen and it is “okay” because that is just the way that you want it to be?
 
We are all guilty of ignoring another and insisting that they feel or think a way that we want them too instead of how they may actually be feeling or thinking.
 
We are all guilty of wanting something from another at times.
We are all guilty of missing ques in body language or tones, even not hearing words fully and crossing over boundaries.
We are all guilty of being self-centered.
 
No one wants to feel rejected.
No one wants to feel like they have hurt someone that they care for.
 
The reality is that when in relationship,
we will hurt those we care for.
We will not always be present with them.
And we will have hidden expectations if nothing else that we are not aware of that may cause issues along the path.
 
But if we want to act out of love,
if we want to be emotionally mature,
and trustworthy,
if we want to expand and deepen a relationship,
then each of us MUST take responsibility for how we choose to touch those around us.
 
With our words.
With our physical bodies.
With our looks.
With our expectations.
And assumptions.
 
And we must learn to respect the “No” without question of why.
 
Because no one owes you an explanation of why they are feeling any way,
just like you do not owe anyone an explanation as to why you think or feel any particular way either.
 
But to push your will on another,
is a breaking of truth,
it is dishonoring to the relationship and to both parties in relationship,
and it shows the desperation of one’s need and lack of actual care for another.
Making it detrimental to the relationship.
 
Pay attention to what you are seeing,
to what you feel coming from another person,
not not what you want to feel or see.
 
Realize that your truth about any particular thing may not be the same as another’s and if you are interacting with another person you NEED their consent to involve them.
 
How are you toughing those in your life today?
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Let’s get you to your desired F-ck YES! NOW.
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TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.

Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.

Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.

Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”

I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.

I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.

Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.

I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.

I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.

The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.

And now,
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.

I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.

I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.

But today,
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.

Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
My SOUL.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.

Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
And today,
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.

Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.

MY ROSE GARDEN.

Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!

My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?

As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.

I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.

But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.

Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.

Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.

What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?

You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.

Not All Gifts Are Gifts, You See.

I got this for you.
I got you this thing.
I got you this thing that I had to get you.
I am sure you will love it.
I know you will.
I got this for you.
It’s my favorite,
and is your’s now too.

Oh you said that you like that.
And so I it is true.
That now all you want,
is this thing.
Over and over,
I will never venture out.
I am not looking at what you say,
or do,
all I can focus on is making sure that you have this thing till you want it no more.

I love you.
I like you.
I adore you.
I cannot get enough of you.
And so it must be so,
that you too,
feel this thing I am feeling,
and want it as much.

I desire this to happen,
I crave it so much,
My mind wants to devour you,
as my body wants to taste and feel.
I cannot hear your words of denial,
I cannot allow myself to pay heed,
no you,
you must want this too.

It is a gift that I give you.
And even though you say no,
I know that you want this.
Because it is true.

Your words are like nails on a chalk board,
why do you argue with me?
Your silence is deafening,
why don’t you give thanks for all that I do?

It must mean more to you.
I must be with you.
I know that you feel something,
you say it is nothing,
you say it cannot be so.
But,
I love you.
I adore you.
I want more of you.
So it is this way.

My desire has me blinded.
My hunger has me deaf.
My heart pains at your denial,
so I will show you,
yes I will.

I know that you will love it.
I know it will be so.
Just give me this moment.
To absorb all you are.
Stop making such a big deal of it.
Why are you hiding over there?
I know that you will love it.
So let me show you my dear.

You make me feel so alive.
You make me smile with your presence.
You make me feel superhuman,
so accept this gift I am giving.
Accept this “love” I am offering.
Stop denying it.
You know you want it.
You know you love it.
You like it.
You want it.
You do.
—————————————————————————

A tale I hardly speak of is the tale of being a rape survivor,
however I wish to express this today as when I walk through this world, I see so many rapes in so many different fashions.

The above is a share that was activated by a trigger from someone in my life recently.

Although there was no harm done,
although I am certain that there was no intent of such,
not even a trigger.
I find it my mission, to speak out loud and have a voice for all those who cannot.

So bare with me here,
as what I am saying may possibly cause you ill feelings,
for your guilt as much as any other human for the rape offenses that we all have made and played down without notice to the messages of ego shared.

No matter what it is.
No matter the gift.
Realize this…
Not all gifts are gifts you see,
for a gift can only truly be received in love when the receiver desires the gift,
wants for it some way,
or truly is something that speaks their name.
But, many a gift has nothing to do with the receiver,
and everything to do about the giver,
who longs to be seen.
To be accepted.
To be loved.
At all cost they will go.
Not noticing the one that they love.
They place their hunger before the heart of another.

No matter the event,
no matter the intimacy shared.
If it is not two sided in wanting,
then it is nothing more than a taking.
You think it is romantic,
you think is sweet,
you think is no big deal,
but when we steal an intimacy with another,
we ignore all that they are.
We crave more for our desire.
We fear more about our pain,
our rejection of not getting,
of not having or experiencing,
what we want is all that matters,
and so we paint a picture of what will be and ignore all the strokes of anything different.

A kiss,
a hug,
a tender touch you see.
All can be innocent and precious,
but when not wanted they are a trespass.
Just as the gift that one might give that is not desired,
can be nothing more than a nuisance.
A problem you see.
We trespass others in so many ways.
From touches to things.

Be aware is all that is stated here.
A lesson for me and you.
We all are guilty of taking.

Ask yourself this,
“This action, this thing, these words that I share: are they from my desire to have what I want or give what is wanted?”

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

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Level up your relationships.
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Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

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Praying for Demon’s

This is a hymn for the one’s who have no closure.

His arms around my throat, commanding me to stop.
Stealing my joy.
Stealing my heart.
Killing me softly as the song states.
Killing our love.
Killing our relationship.
Killing our goals, our dreams, our partnership.

He looks at me with rage in his eye’s.
He looks at me through a demon’s face.
There is no love here anymore.
That is clear.

Broken, battered and abused.
My truth of his emotional abuse is before me,
with his hands around my throat.
He makes his feelings known.
He hates me.
He is throwing me away.
He is done with me and all that we built.

He is not a man with heart.
He is not man of integrity.
He is not a man who know’s how to love or be loved.

He is a coward.
A coward hiding behind his aggression.
Hiding behind his need to control.
Hiding behind his drink.
Hiding behind his blame.

He is not a man,
He is a victim to his ego.
A victim to the demons.

He feels in the right.
He feel’s that I had it coming.
He feel’s only his hatred to himself and mistakes it for me.
He feel’s only his fear of seeing his demon’s.
He want’s to hide.

And so he wants me to STOP.

He wants my voice to be muted.
He wants to delete the presence of truth from his life.
He wants it all to go away because he is not a man who can handle being a man.
No , he is a prisoner to his illusions.
He is a victim to his patterns.
He claims he wants more,
to be more.
To be the man that honors life.
Honors spirit.
Honors his woman.
Knows himself.

But he is too scared.
He is nothing more than a little boy begging to be nurtured,
begging to be seen.
Begging for attention.
demanding his will.
He stamps his feet, screams his violent screams.
He wants nothing more than to be seen.

But he cannot have what he wants.
He is NOT willing to see himself.
He has no integrity.
He is a victim,
a prisoner to his demons.

So he go’s further.
He chokes harder.
He is not feeling the release he desires.
He is not feeling like he has conquered her yet.
She is still breathing.
She is still speaking.
She is still standing there,

Being his integrity.
Forcing him to see himself.

And he hates himself.

He hates his life.
He is scared to see his truth.
He feels so unworthy.

There is no happiness in his soul.
He is lost.
He is hiding.
He has become his demon’s.

Casting her and the children out of his life,
It is easier to force her to leave and ignore the pain,
Ignore his truth,
Ignore his actions.
His heart.

He does not speak of the events of the day.
He buries them deep into the basement of his being,
next to the pain of his loss of others.
He does not speak of his pain of the love’s he lost.
The loss of his sister,
the loss of his mother,
the loss of his first love,
the loss of his wives that came after.
And he will not speak of this loss either.

These women.
This crazy feminine with its heart and emotions.
It only abandons him.
It only runs from him.
Cheats on him.
dies on him.
Leaves him.
It is not worth his pain.
It is not worth his opening.
It is not worth his healing.

No. He just wants it to STOP.
So he holds my neck with tension.
He looks at me through eye’s of demons.
The darkness that resides here,
he has settled into.

He is coiled in his corner.
He is fearful of his future.
He is terrified of his heart.
of her heart.
Of the EMOTION.

So he closes.
He shuts himself down and he chooses to only open up to the demon.
The demon that has him hiding.
The demon that has him leaning on the shoulder of the immoral, the trustworthy, the one’s who are addicted to their darkness and masks.

he pulls from those who he knows he cannot trust.
He leans into those who are happy for his return.
They greet him with open arms,
He is settling for his demon’s.
He is settling for so much that he is not.
He is a victim to his fears.
He sacrifices himself.

And points his fingers at me.
He know’s the truth.
But he must hide.
Because standing in integrity is to much to bare.
That would mean that he would have to FEEL.

He would be to vulnerable.
And his ego will not allow it.

No , he is a prisoner to his illusions.
He is a victim to his patterns.
He claims he wants more,
to be more.
To be the man that honors life.
Honors spirit.
Honors his woman.
Knows himself.

But he chooses his demon’s.
He chooses those that kneel before the alter of darkness.
The alter of lies,
the alter of fears,
the alter of casting blame.
He chooses to be the victim of his hatred.

So he does not speak of these events.
He does not allow space for truth.
He slams the door to love.
He closes himself from spirit.
He flips off God and he turns to his demons.

They lift a glass in celebration of the reaping of his soul.
There is no closure,
There is only hiding.

And so,
this is a hymn for the one’s who have no closure.
No matter how desperately needed.
No matter, the desire to understand.
No matter, the longing to heal and love again.
No matter, the case that be.

This is a hymn for the one’s who have suffered at the hand of their lovers.
This is a hymn for the one’s who blamed themselves for the violence that fell on their flesh, on their hearts, on their lives.
This is a hymn for the one’s who cried.
Who needed to be heard and were told to stop.
Who were cracked open physically, emotionally.
This is for you.

I feel your pain.
I see your fear.
I hear your cries.
I feel your abandonment.

This is a hymn for the one’s who never got closure.
Who cannot understand how love can turn so violent.
How sweet tender caresses can end in rage.
Who weep and feel shame.

This is for all of us who have suffered at the hand of our lovers.

And so we pray.
We pray for those that told us that we were nothing without them.
We pray for those who said we could make it on our own.
We pray for those who cannot feel love.
We pray that find their peace.
We pray that they face their demon’s.
We pray that they are somewhere,
On their knees,
Changing.

Stop Surviving- Start Living

Are you just surviving? Are you hiding from your truth?
Are you deeply hurt, scared and lost? 
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Hell Hath No Fury.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 
Or so the saying goes.
The past month of my life has forced me to step into a fury that I did not know existed to the level that it does. One event opening up the wounds to another. And that event opening up the wounds to another and another and another.
 
At first I sat with the events after they happened and was simply shocked.
Bewildered and lost.
 
Then I shut myself to the emotions that were coming up.
Then I opened.
Then I shut myself down again because under the emotions and the physical sensations of pain, fear and worry,
I discovered something much darker.
 
The darkness of a ghost that had been lingering in my midst for my life.
The darkness of a fear that I had been dancing with forever.
The darkness of my heart.
 
I found myself dancing with the feeling of being a victim and not wanting to be one, yet not being able escape the reality of what had happened and the knowing that in this moment, in this timeline, I was a
 
VICTIM.
 
I hate the word victim.
I don’t believe in being a victim.
I believe that no matter the situation that we are all spiritual volunteers here playing out our lessons in life. Expanding and evolving.
 
Evolving through pain.
Evolving through love.
Yet still evolving.
 
So to sit with the reality that I was a victim in this moment was something that hurt me to a point of rage in my emotions.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a strong mother F*cking Goddess!
I am the co-creator of my world.
I am a f*cking manifestor that creates her world with power, certainty and direction through my heart and by the guidance of God and my soul link.
 

I am not a victim damn it.

 
But yet, here I sit with the reality that in this part of my current time line,
 
Physically,
at very least I am just that ,
that I do not prescribe too.
 
A Victim.
 
And f*ck it hurts and is scary and shit to admit that yes,
I too could be feeling this fear.
Feeling this loss of the life that I new.
Feeling the uncertainty of the steps that I must take.
 
Yes, here I am, still feeling like somehow I deserved this.
I made it happen.
If I had not only done this or that.
Then surly things would not have escalated to the level that they did and I would not be physically hurt and broken.
That I would not be emotionally worn out and lost.
That my faith and trust in relationship would still be strong.
That what I believed or thought I knew as truth would still remain in tact and that my world would remain all that it had potential of being.
 
Yes certainly I must be at fault for all that has occurred.
Yes certainly I must have been the culprit of this disaster.
I was not good enough.
I was too much.
I wanted to much.
I cared to deep.
I spoke to much of my truth.
I should have coward in the face of the danger instead of standing to face it.
I should have just shut up and got in my place.
 
After all,
I am just a woman.
 
Who am I to think anything other than the reality that I am just a woman.
 
It is a man’s world.
He’s the boss.
It is his house.
His car.
His world.
His right.
 
His right to command.
To command me.
To command how things go.
To command my actions.
My thoughts.
My feelings.
My words.
 
If I had just not spoke.
If I had just not inquired.
If I had just not followed.
If I had just let it be.
If I had just been a good woman,
and did what I was told.
 
Told…
 
Yes told.
 

“You will STOP!”

 
He wanted me to stop,
he wanted me to be quiet,
he wanted me to not inquire,
follow,
speak my truth,
stand up for my child,
for myself.
He wanted me gone.
He wanted me deleted from his life.
He wanted me to STOP.
 
If I had just listened.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!!
Goddesses are not commanded to STOP.
To not speak their hearts.
Their truth.
To break in the face of danger.
To run in the face of danger.
To feel shame about their humanness,
their love,
who they are or anything else.
 
Goddesses do not abandon their children when danger is present.
Goddesses do not fear the outcome.
They command the outcome.
The outcome is one that is ALWAYS one,
one that in the long run supports the beauty,
the love,
the truth,
the heart,
the soul, the power of God that moves through each of us.
 
He fell in love with the Goddess,
but he wanted to tame her.
He wanted to own her.
He wanted to control her.
To shut her up and be her ruler.
 
Goddesses only have one ruler.
The Great Divine.
The Almighty.
Lord.
God.
Creator of All.
That is the only ruler of a Goddess.
And we are lead by our hearts.
 
Those hearts lead us to follow when we see our lover is in pain.
When we see our child is hurt.
When we know we are not being heard, seen or felt,
Those hearts lead us to speak up not become quiet.
 
And certainly not become quiet because we are commanded too.
 

F*ck That!

 
Hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned.
That is how the statement should go.
 
But he,
he is the lucky one.
He scorned a Goddess,
a woman who know’s who she is,
who is not afraid to speak out,
to be vulnerable,
to forgive but not forget,
 
he is the lucky one.
Because in his actions she FINALLY witnessed his truth.
 
And he may not be strong enough to see it but she is.
She see’s his pain,
his fear,
his lack of truth,
his lies not just to her,
but to himself.
 
She see’s how deeply he is hurting,
his feeling of not being worthy,
his discomfort with integrity.
 
She see’s his shame and how he hopes to shame her.
 
She see’s him.
She see’s herself.
 
Yes.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a F*cking Goddess.
 
No matter what the experience, I KNOW that God has my back.
No matter what the result I know that I am the co-creator of my reality.
No matter what the feelings, or the physical challenges that are upon me, I know that I
 
 
People come into our lives.
They serve their purpose as we do in theirs.
We often feel betrayed, hurt, scorned and victimized.
This is all part of our path.
 
Our evolution.
 
But even in evolution we get to choose,
choose our reactions,
which lead us to the next phase of our own personal reawakening.
 
We get to choose how we evolve.
Every action has a reaction.
 
We choose what those are.
We have conscious thought.
That conscious thought can trump our ego and our core beliefs if we want it to.
We can decided.
 
NOW.
In this moment,
To love fully.
To heal quickly.
To not break.
To expand.
To express.
To be vulnerable.
To be worthy.
 
To COMMAND our life to be the life that manifests our dreams.
 
I may be a victim in the essence of the physical and emotional abuse that I have experienced in the last short bit of time,
 
But I am NOT a victim to life.

 

I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!

 
I may be scorned,
and scorned deeply from multiple sources,
 
But I am not a victim,
because I KNOW
I know I get to choose my outcome.
 
My path.
My reaction.
I know that God has my back.
 
And I surrender my heart to that.
 

What do you choose?

 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Are you a woman that feel’s scorned? Hurt? Scared to step into her Mother F*cking Goddess Power? 
Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.