MONEY IS EVIL- PERSONAL SUFFERING IS FAITH BEARING, + OTHER BULLSHIZ IDEA’S ABOUT YOUR WORTHINESS

MONEY IS EVIL – PERSONAL SUFFERING IS FAITH BEARING, + OTHER BULLSHIZ IDEA’S ABOUT YOUR WORTHINESS
 
Why do you not get that you are WORTHY?
 
And why is it that you keep buying into the bullshiz that in order to be worthy you must suffer?
 
Or that because you are suffering that this proves that you are in faith?
 
It is silly gorgeous to think this way.
 
I am just going to break this down for you from a parental perspective,
and maybe you will not agree and I am totally cool with you not agreeing with my views and beliefs, hopefully in that case we can just be mature enough to agree to disagree.
 
With that said,
as a parent I am going make my plea on your worthiness.
 
Imagine your child is growing up and learning about what is good, bad, how to do things, what responsibility, truth is, what love is and is not.
 
Imagine your child makes mistakes. Gets into fights with peers, has opinions that you and others disagree with, experiments with things that you may not want them too, does not always tell you the truth, even bullies other kids or is harsh in judgments about other kids or people. Mocks people.
 
Does this make you love your child any less?
Does this make them NOT worthy of your love or support?
Does this make them less of human to you and worthy of you taking away your love, condemning and shaming them?
 
Imagine your child looses friendships, has heartbreak over their first love, suffers pain in relationships, fears not getting it right, fears not fitting in, fears telling you how they feel. Imagine they hate their bodies, feel misunderstood, outcast.
Imagine they don’t feel safe in some fashion at home or school, in their relationships. They believe that the world is out to get them and they must close themselves off from it to stay safe and make you happy.
 
Does this make your child more worthy of your love?
Does this show their faith in your love and support?
Does this prove their worth, their self-love, their personal power, confidence, self-esteem? Does it build those things?
 
Imagine you have a child that comes to you and says this is my dreams and desires. This is what I feel inside. This is what I want to do with my life and why. Imagine that they say I know that I have made mistakes, that i am not perfect but I know that I am lovable, that you ( mom/dad) have my back, I know that I have better in me and I want to show my heart to this world. I want to experience life and give back. I believe that people are good and we are all worthy of love and greatness. Imagine that this child is working two part time jobs and helping out people in need, that they have big opinions and they speak about what they are good with and what they are not good with. Imagine that they count their blessings. Imagine that this child looks you in the eye and says, ” I know that you don’t want me to suffer. You want the best for me and if I don’t want the best for myself and show my love for myself by standing up and being my best that I not only hurt myself but I hurt your heart too mom/dad.”
Imagine that this child goes out and becomes a a millionaire when grown.
 
Does this make you love your child less?
Does this mean that your child is a greedy, selfish a*shole who does not care about anything but money and self?
Does this mean that your child has been brainwashed into the evil ways of this world and they are a disappointment to you?
Does this mean that you will retract your love from this child because they are not bowing their head and feeling bad or suffering enough?
Does this mean that their happiness and success is a sign that they have sold their soul to the devil and are dishonoring their faith, their family, themselves?
 
OF COURSE NOT!
 
That’s crap, right?
 
So why are you letting yourself think this about your life?
Why are you buying into the concept that your suffering and loss,
your lack of cash flow,
your depression, body image issues, your guilt, your fear, your lost-ness is some sign of your greatness in God’s eye’s.
 
Why are you believing that it is pleasing to God to watch you suffer and that those who are living abundant lives are displeasing to God?
 
I am sorry…
(not really)
 
You are dishonoring God and yourself beautiful,
by NOT stepping the f-ck up to who you are and your worthiness.
 
You are dishonoring God’s great work in you by settling for so little and such unhappiness.
 
You are dishonoring God and his belief in you by continuing to remain available for the crap that you set yourself up for in the name of faith in suffering.
 
You are not being your best and therefore not only causing suffering to your heart but as well to God.
 
I believe that we are microcosm’s of the divine.
The things that we feel when we are coming from a pure heart and soul with our children and the things that we want for our children are the same that God wants for us.
 
A healthy, emotionally mature adult parent who is confident and strong in who they are DOES NOT want to see their baby suffer.
Does not believe that their child suffering is better then their child thriving.
Does not think that if their kid gets a good paying job or is strong in who they are that they are less worthy of love or are doing evil things.
 
Yet, for some reason in today’s world many adults are putting this same judgement out there on their peers who want to THRIVE in all areas.
 
These adults pretend to be holier then thou and are quick to point to their sufferings of years to proclaim that this is evidence of their worthiness and faith, all the while pointing fingers of blame, shame and hatred with remarks of judgement out to anyone who shares a message of abundance, self-love, personal empowerment and joy.
 
Silliness.
 
And perhaps, you do not agree with me.
Perhaps you are one of those souls that I am speaking of here today.
Perhaps you believe that the path of suffering is what God wants for you/us.
Perhaps you believe that it is a sad thing to witness people making money from what they love to do and feel called to do.
Perhaps you think that people laughing, traveling, talking about love, connected sex, relationships, money is evil.
 
Maybe you believe that using the “F” word will send God into rage and cancel out all your blessings and shows one’s lack of faith and love in the creator.
 
Perhaps…
 
And perhaps, the opposite is true instead.
 
Perhaps you are among those of us who believe that we are worthy of greatness and abundance,
that God wants us to THRIVE here in this mortal existence and to speak to those ears that listen. No matter the words.
 
The message of YOUR WORTHINESS and POWER and that you are LOVED is what matters.
 
Your beautiful SOUL being let fly is what is of value.
Your HEART seen and felt.
 
Yes.
Perhaps beautiful you BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and in God.
 
And have chosen to turn your back on the nay sayers and fear bots that try and stain your faith with doubt.
 
Perhaps.
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/micro-consult/
– Accepting applications for 1:1 private clients for a limited time.
 
 

“YOU DISGUST ME!”- WHY THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO SHOW MY GREATNESS!

 
So effing frustrated with our victim minded world that we have created!
 
Many of today’s humans could not make it in the world just 30 years ago.
 
We have created a society that is weak and scared of each other.
We have created a people that refuses to take responsibility for their thoughts, feelings or actions.
We have created a society that believes that shame is how you heal the world, how you make things right and that it is their DUTY to do just such.
 
We have created a world where confrontation is a bad thing that should be avoided at all cost and any one who stands up and speaks their truth that may not align 100% to another’s should brace themselves for the impact of how bad they are for stating it or setting a boundary.
 
Didn’t they understand their truth, their ideas, their opinions, their work, their art, their education, their pictures were offensive and shameful and not okay to have in this world?
 
Geeze what is wrong with them for sharing any of their stuff?
They should take into account what someone else that they don’t know might be feeling or how looking at whatever it is might make that other person think, because don’t you know YOU ARE NOT IN CHARGE OF YOUR THOUGHTS OR FEELING everyone else is responsible for them, not you.
 
And because you posted it on social media – then you FORCED them to look.
 
This particular man friended me awhile back, ( see image with post)
he follows other sex and relationship coaches, practitioners and tantra educators that speak of openness, finding your orgasm and living in a sex positive world, yet he has decided to report some of my pictures because he claims that they are offensive and nasty…😱
 
Acting as though I have explicit sex pictures on my facebook for all too see…🤣🤣🤣
 
The reason I have chosen to share this with every one is simple,
this kind of attitude is becoming more of a norm.
 
The other day a man went off on my wall here under a musing I did on boundaries and how important it is to have healthy one’s in all areas of our lives, he decided that I was a tantric prostitute who was manipulating men by wearing a long white vintage dress into giving me their money… he insisted that I was being nasty as well in my flaunting of myself as he called it.
 
This sort of attitude that I see rising up more and more is sad.
It is an attitude of fear and separation with zero personal responsibility for our internal worlds.
 
There is so much pain in our world.
SO much pain in the people’s hearts.
And we are being blinded by it.
It forms in anger, disgust, rage, blame and shame toward others.
And it is because somewhere along the line we stopped teaching personal responsibility.
We started making the least mature people in the world the boss of everyone.
 
Competition these days is evil.
You cannot have a winner and a looser because it is hurtful to someone’s feelings.
You cannot have a debate and agree to disagree, because it may hurt someones feelings.
You cannot have certain beliefs, ideas, or experiences and talk about them because someone that may be passing by may hear and be upset by the sharing between two friends.
You are damned if you look, talk, believe or act this way or that way and you are damned if you don’t as well.
 
The ONLY THING that matters is that YOU make sure NOT TO OFFEND any other human being on this planet with your disgusting existence.
 
That is unless you are among the emotionally immature who feel it is socially acceptable to mock, blame, shame and kick others from behind their computer and phone screens about sharing what they are not comfortable with. That is JUST FINE – NO HARM, NO FOUL there.🤔
 
And yet,
we want to watch other’s who are living out loud and we can get caught up in their saga’s, drama’s and ways of living and expressing.
We flock to things that are not average.
We crave connection more then every.
We feel so isolated and misunderstood,
road rage and depression is normal,
everyone is on some prescription drug trying to mask their pain and disconnect.
 
Those who shame and blame the most hold the biggest subscriptions to porn hub and make the most aggressive private messages. On one side they condemn and on the other they explicitly expect.
 
And what does any of this truly mean at the end of the day?
 
It means that our world has progressed no further then the dark ages on this subject.
 
It means that if this were 2000+ years ago the one’s throwing the stones to kill the prostitute are the same one’s who were bedding her in the stable just 15 minutes prior.
 
It means that we still as a mass society value our suffering more then our worth.
 
It means that for those of us who choose to walk on the road less traveled and take the heat,
 
Those of us who are the 1% who will not cower to this crazy victim-hood mentality of settling for less than what we are worth in this life,
who believe in ourselves and whom want to be the light.
 
WE HOLD THE OPPORTUNITY TO GREATNESS.
 
The sheeple remain blind by fear mongering and separation.
 
But YOU are not a sheeple…. ( well at least I pray that if you follow me that you are not a sheeple and if you are well then please take this post as my personal invite for you to uninvite yourself out of my online community and tribe).
 
I BELIEVE IN YOU!
 
I choose to focus on WORTHINESS and that God does not create unworthy things.
 
I want you to know that if you are walking on this road less traveled with me that you are and EAGLE.
 
And you are not walking.
You are flying BABY!
You have wings.
And you have GREATNESS inside of you.
 
Never let those who are blinded by their own darkness cast your light out.
 
And this world,
this world is what you make of it.
Is what you choose to focus on,
so choose to not fear this blind victim-hood mentality of the weak minded and disconnected,
 
Instead,
Live Out Loud, Unapologetic and FREE!
 
💃💃💃 And don’t let my white vintage dress manipulate you too much…lol 🤣🤣🤣
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
 
 

You would be perfect if you were different.

 
“I love your strength.
I love your independence.
I love your drive.
I love your passion.
Your creativity.
Your intelligence.
Your sexiness.
Your playfulness.
Your beauty.
Your light.
 
You make me want to be a better person.
You make me feel so good.
You make me so happy,
so free and turned on to life.
I feel like I can do anything.
 
You are perfect.
I love you so much.
 
But why my love do you not answer me in the way that I desire?
Why do you not feel the way I wish you did about our love,
about our relationship?
Why my love are you so aloof at times?
Too busy…
Too busy for me.
 
Why do you flirt and play with others,
so carefree and unfazed?
With that smile.
That laugh.
That light shining so bright.
And not with me in that moment.
It’s like you don’t need me.
Does our love mean nothing to you?
 
 
When you are with me, the world is perfect.
When you are away from me my world is dark.
There is a void that is too much to bare and I feel like I am suffocating from its immense emptiness.
I fear I am not good enough.
That you want for something more.
I fear loosing you,
and so I wish that you were different.
Not in any of the ways that you are perfect.
 
No.
 
I want you to remain all of that.
But I want you to need more of me.
I want you to be by my side more.
To share more in each day.
I want you to focus just on us.
I want you to desire only my attention.
 
I don’t want you to take time away from us to be around another.
I don’t want you to ignore me in any way.
I don’t want you to flirt and play with others.
I don’t want you to get caught up in what you are doing and forget about me, if even for a day.
 
I need you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I need you to be here more for me.
I need you to value my emotions more.
I need you to make me happy all the time.
I need you to be what you are not.
 
You would be perfect if you were different.
But alas my love you are not.
And this makes me mad.
It makes me sad.
It makes me wish I did not exist on some days.
My heart hurts so bad.
I wish it would stop.
I wish that you understood my pain.
I wish you could feel my love more.
I wish that it mattered more to you.
I wish that you were different.”
 
How does this tale resonate with you my dear?
Can you feel the pain of the lovers heart.
How we humans desire for all these beautiful characteristics in our mates and want for them to want so much of us as well. To be our everything and us theirs.
 
We lay our emotions,
our moods and mental health into the arms of another.
Thinking that this is what love is.
If only they loved us then they would care enough to change their ways and be more of what we need.
They would bend over backward to make sure that we were stable in our vibration.
They would make sure to not rock our hearts.
They would make sure that they did what we needed.
If only they loved us the way we love them.
 
Right?
 
WRONG!
 
The above is nothing of love.
It is of addiction and need.
It is co-dependency at its finest.
And the sheer fact that we desire for all these beautiful characteristics from our mate but need them to be the opposite for us to “feel love” which is not love but need is revealing just how conditional our relationship truly is.
 
The feeling of love never comes from another.
It comes from the great love that each of us hold within us.
When we are in relationship, the relationship highlights that which has always been present within us.
When we turn this power over to the other person,
we become a victim to the ebb and flow of the others life and emotions. We disown ourselves and create an unhealthy relationship that is not based on love, but based on fear of loss of the relationship.
 
When we look to our relationship for security in life,
for our source of joy, peace, happiness or love, we deny ourselves of our truth and we are not in soul alignment.
The fear of loss is signal to this fact.
When we are feeling worry about loosing,
fear about not being good enough,
or a neediness of another we are not standing in our own power. Thus being a victim to the moment. The relationship and our expectations of what we have come to call our relationship reality or norm.
 
And so we focus in on what the other is not giving us.
We become determined to fix it.
To fix them.
To make them understand.
Because if they love us then they will want to do this.
 
The issue is that a consciously aware, embodied person who is turned on to life and in love with themselves and thus stable in who they are cannot become a person living from this other state of being without destroying who they are and becoming something else.
 
They must remain true to who they are.
And this truth is what makes them:
Strong
Independent.
Driven.
Passionate.
Creative.
Intelligent.
Sexy.
Playful.
Beautiful.
Lit Up.
 
It’s what makes them SOULFUL.
And makes you feel like you can conquer the world when they are in yours.
 
In order to keep a soulful person in your life,
the only answer is to BECOME ONE YOURSELF.
 
Which means to get selfish.
And fall in love with your beautiful self.
See your power and STOP giving it away.
Stop being needy, and dependent on anyone to “make you happy.”
Stop masking your sh*t and do your internal work.
Your soul work.
Get right with who you are.
Because YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL MY LOVE.
 
Claim Your Life Today!
 
“Stop Existing & Start Living”
 
Message me for deets on my VIP Coaching to Live Your F*ck Yes! Life NOW!

Bounce the F-ck Out of That.

Bounce the f-ck out of that negativity….

Bounce the f-ck away from those negative peep’s…

Bounce the f-ck out of that negative loop of assuming that someone is doing something to you…

Bounce the f-ck away from ANYTHING that does not feel good over the long haul in your life.

Now I know,
and I am reminded often,
that many feel that they cannot do this.

They have to stay put in the enviroment that they are in.
They have to.

Because, you see it is the responsible thing to do.

Are you this person who believes that you are captured in the the job,
the relationship,
the house,
the financial situation,
the sexless life,
or the just getting by and existing?

Is this your reality?
Are you lacking turn on for life?
YOUR LIFE?

I fully understand.
About a decade ago, I felt this way in all the above areas and more. I felt completely lost in my life.

I hated where I was living,
I had hardly any close relationships outside of my immediate family ( my husband and children).
I hated my body.
I hated my financial picture. ( If you can call it a picture, it was more like a nightmare)
I had no purpose,
no passion.
No orgasm in the bedroom or outside of it.

I was scared shitless every day that I woke up and I had no hope of getting out of the situation.
I sunk into the deepest depression of my life,
not wanting to wake to even care for my five children any longer.
I weeped constantly,
drank far to much,
blended codeine with booze just to escape my world.

Sleep seemed like the best option on most days,
but I never had the time for it.

I felt trapped with no way to escape and the well I was in just kept getting deeper.

Yeppers that was a decade ago.
Just a little over.
12 years to be exact.

People would tell me to be grateful.
People would tell me that in order to be responsible and a good parent,
a good person even,
that one had to compromise of themselves.
Do whatever it takes.

The man I think of like a father,
told me one day on my front porch in one of my deepest moments, “When you chose to have kids, you decided right then to stop doing what you want. You can’t have what you want when you have kids. You gotta be responsible and put them first.”

I wanted to puke when he said this.
I agree,
that family,
our children for sure come first.
You don’t go out and drink, party and do silly shit when you have kids.
You think about your responsibilities,
and you make them a priority.
You pay your f-cking bills,
you take care of your family.

But do you have to compromise all of yourself?
All of your life?
All of your desires?
All of your joy?

NO the F-CK you DO NOT!

But you know what you MUST do?
That is,
IF you proclaim that you want that F-ck YES Life.
IF you claim that you want to have it all.
And keep it real.
God.
Family.
Business.
Everything Else.

Well you must BOUNCE the f-ck away from those negative things.

And here is the gig,
most of those negative things are right between your two ears.

It’s the thoughts your thinking.
And it’s the peep’s your hanging with.
Look at the vibe that you are living in.

You can easily tell where you are vibing at by what is showing up in your world.

And you can tell how you are vibing,
by the way that you FEEL.

Yes,
I just said that.

THE WAY THAT YOU FEEL.

12 years ago,
I felt like shit.
I thought negative thoughts.
I got support of those thoughts from the people in my life.
I looked only at the negative in my life,
and it just kept multipling.

I did not do the mindset exercises daily that I do today.
I did not work my ass off internally to create the internal enviroment that would give me the external enviroment that I wanted.

And when I did apply myself there,
I did not believe it.

Because I had practiced too many negative thoughts and my beliefs came from them.

SO I had to DECIDE.
I had to really get serious with the most important person in my life.

And that was not my children.
It was not my husband.
It was not any family or friend.
It was not my bank account.
Or any one I owed money too.

It was not even God.

It was ME.

I had to have a pow-wow with ME.
And DECIDE what I wanted.
And what it would feel like to have that.
I had to start acting from a place of already having it.

I had to start with creating more of the thoughts I would have if I was already where I wanted to be, then what I was comfortable thinking in my current situation.

I had to put myself into situations that felt weird.
Uncomfortable.

I had to brainwash myself into believing something different.

And that meant…

I had to…

Bounce the f-ck out of that negativity….

Bounce the f-ck away from those negative peep’s…

Bounce the f-ck out of that negative loop of assuming that someone is doing something to you…

Bounce the f-ck away from ANYTHING that does not feel good over the long haul in your life.

SO what did I have to compromise to have the F-ck Yes Life of today?

EVERYTHING.

Everything that I was comfortable with.
Because it was not in alignment to what I claimed I wanted.

So,
there you have it folks.

You want it.
But are you willing to have it?

It’s always your choice.
You manifest your life.

What do you choose to think about?
Feel like?
Focus on?
or who are you hanging with?

These are the things that lead you to one door or another.

As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join me November 18-21st for my 3 day intensive online workshop.
Ass In The Sand – Facebook Live Workshop for Entrepreneurs Who Want It All
If you are an entrepreneur and you want to know how to take your biz from zero to $100k quickly, for real – then this intensive class is for you.
Pre-registration coming out this next week.
Look for it or message me to get on the pre-launch list.

Hope & Commitment: PRICELESS

Average cost of a divorce: $15,000 to $30,000

Average child support payment for one child: $430

Average alimony support percentage of highest earning spouse: 30% of income for up to 50% of time of marriage

Saving your relationship and working through your shit: PRICELESS

Remember the old commercial?
Well I sure do.

And this topic is near and dear to me in recent times.
But more importantly,
It is a possible reality to many of my couples clients.
Or potential couples clients.

The sad truth is that quiet often people go looking for help.
They sit in my office,
Wrenching their hands together,
Butterflies in their stomach,
Wanting to be heard.
To be understood.
And to be given hope.

They look at their spouse,
And they hope that they too have a sincere desire to heal the wounds of years gone by.
They hope that their partner is feeling at ease and will be open to the possibilities of getting help.

Often, tears are shed in my office by one or both parties as they recognize the pain,
They see the situation of their marriage clearer,
And they feel the tingle of hope spreading its wings inside them.

There they sit.
HOPEFUL.

They share intimacies within this safe container,
Baring their truths of bitterness, of loss of desire, of financial pains, of feeling left behind and under appreciated.

They share their sins.
From adultery to drug usage to porn and anger.

They share their longing.
Their longing to reconnect.
To heal.
To love and be loved.

And so they walk away from me,
Feeling lighter.
Feeling connection and understanding.
Feeling non-judgment.
Feeling as if they can recover.
They feel HOPE.

And then….
It is inevitable my follow up email with all my recommendations and observations comes into their inbox.
It asks them for their,
COMMITMENT.

Many stand up to the plate.
But many steer away in fear.

They lean on objections.
From price to time.
They say they need to wait.
They say they think they can do it on their own.
They say this
And they say that.

But none of it matters.
They CHOOSE to not commit
And thus they choose to remain in their suffering and in the harsh reality that separation most likely will knock soon at their door.

But they feel like they cannot change the outcome.
Because it just is.
So they settle into victim mode.
And they loose HOPE.

How much does it cost to sacrifice your HOPE?
How much is it worth to step into COMMITMENT ?

It is priceless.
Thats what it is.
On both sides it is PRICELESS.

The only question
I ask these souls who choose to say goodbye is,
Are you happy?

At the end of any decision.
You must ask yourself.
Are you happy?

Here you will learn your truth.
Here you will learn about your fear.
Your regrets.
Your desires.
And if you made the right choice.

No one can answer this for any of us.
It is between us and soul.

And it is PRICELESS.

As always,
Stop Existing and Start Living

Now accepting 1+1 Couples Coaching Clients.
No matter where you are in this big world you can get the private coaching to recover the intimacy and connection you desire in your marriage.
Explore Passion Coaching for Couples today.

Don’t Get Pissed About Being Treated Like A Dog If Your Acting Liking A Puppy.

Don’t Get Pissed About Being Treated Like A Dog If Your Acting Liking A Puppy.
 
We all know people like this.
And in many cases we have all been puppy dogs at some point in our lives.
 
I know I sure have.
Years back, when I was in my teens and early 20’s I was for a sure a puppy dog in some instances.
I felt horribly insecure.
I felt like I was stupid and silly.
I felt like I was not worthy of anything in my life and that I NEEDED approval.
I NEEDED a pat on the head telling me that I was doing good.
That I was seen.
That I was loved.
 
I wanted the pat on my head so badly that I ran behind foot of my friends, my teachers and even my husband.
 
I recall him telling me how insecure I appeared.
He pointed out my pigeon toed stance.
He pointed out my slouching shoulders.
My inability to make let alone keep eye contact.
My fear to go out and be too social.
I clung to his arm like a lost little girl.
I feared being seen for who I was because I did not know who I was and I was scared that who I was was not good enough for this world.
Or for him.
I could not understand why he loved me.
Wanted to be with me.
And why he said he was not worthy of me.
 
This then.
This was a Kendal that was scared of her life.
Scared of her choices.
Scared of her own shadow.
 
Perhaps hard to believe.
But still true.
 
Even though I made my whole existence about my husband and family,
Even though I begged for approval,
begged for that pat on the head like a good puppy.
 
I was irritate when he treated me like a child.
When he scolded me.
When he fathered me.
When he would basically pat his knees and say, “Come here puppy. Aren’t you a sweet girl.”
 
Granted he never actually did this, but it was an energy that was passed between us.
It was him trying to reassure me that I was doing good,
asking for what he wanted, expecting to get it, without realizing guilting me in different ways, and treating me the way you would your pet.
 
I felt often like I was a trophy.
Not a human.
Not a woman.
Not his wife.
But an object.
 
The sick thing is that I asked for this treatment.
I encouraged it even.
 
It was the way I believed I could feel loved.
I was lost and uncertain.
I had no clue who I was and therefore I needed him to tell me who I was and to pat me on the back for being what he said.
 
I wanted to know I was doing good.
Making him happy in my efforts to be what he needed/wanted.
 
But I hated the belittling feeling that came with it.
I hated how I felt inside.
I hated not really being me.
But being something for someone else.
 
SO I bitched about being treated like this,
NEVER realizing until years later that I had done it all to myself.
 
Crazy huh?
 
The thing that I figured out about 10 years into this experience was that I always knew who I was.
 
I was just afraid to express myself.
I was just afraid that if I allowed myself to be seen that I would scare off people in my life that I currently had and I did not want to loose.
So instead of being me,
I hid me from the world and myself,
until I could no longer cope with the pain.
 
My physical body decided one day that I was going to STOP the insanity of hiding from myself or I would be in physical pain.
 
I developed Chrones.
 
Let me tell you, Chrones is not a fun dis-ease.
I spent a few years in horrible pain,
struggling to figure out how to naturally heal myself,
struggling to gain my stamina back for life,
I lived a fatigued existence,
where I started to question if I wanted to go on.
Thank goodness for my babies.
They have always been my reason for everything.
My joy.
But the pain of living with Chrones,
the uncertainty of what it would lead too.
The unstableness of my body EVERYDAY.
I felt like a prisoner in my own flesh.
 
I tried everything to heal myself.
And at the end of it all, I sat there hopeless.
Here I was in my early thirties.
Mom of five.
The prime of my life.
And I was feeling dead.
 
Lost.
Dead.
Hopeless.
Sick.
 
I felt ugly in every sense of the word.
 
But here, here is where God came in.
I knew there was something I was missing.
And one day I ended up at a church event,
it was a book release for a female author that my church was hosting. I went to the talk and listened to this woman share her story.
 
She shared her drama of finding herself.
She shared her trials and tribulations.
She shared that she realized that after the blessing of motherhood that God was offering her the most prize of all possessions.
The most joyous experience of anything.
 
And that was the birthing of herself.
 
This was what I was needing to hear.
Needing to accept.
 
This pain that I was feeling.
This struggle that I was in with my body.
With my mind, my heart, my soul.
 
It was JUST THIS.
 
I was BIRTHING MYSELF.
 
My soul was COMMANDING ME to stop being a puppy dog to others and to start being my own WOMAN.
 
My soul wanted me to CLAIM MY LIFE.
Wanted me to STOP trying to always please others,
stop looking for approval,
but instead give myself approval.
 
The more I stepped into my
POWER,
my STRENGTH,
my TRUTH,
and just allowed myself to be revealed no matter what that meant. No matter if that meant I was going to loose people in my life or not, the quicker my body healed.
The more I embraced myself, the more my SOUL acknowledged me by healing my physical body.
 
Such gratitude I hold for the woman who spoke that day at that event.
 
She made me aware of the bitch I was being.
She made me aware that my neediness was killing me.
She made me aware that I was better than what I had accepted for myself.
And she made me aware that the pain I was experiencing was an opportunity to connect,
to myself.
to God.
To my truth.
 
It was a birthing process.
 
So throw yourself a bone today.
Look at your life,
and see where you may be guilty of being a puppy dog.
Look and see how you are holding yourself back by begging like a hungry dog,
and instead of begging,
FEED YOURSELF.
 
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
For more coaching, truth shares and awakened education join me for 1+1 coaching via phone, zoom or in person. Or follow me on Facebook for my morning FREE Conscious Coffee Broadcasts where I share truth bombs and alignment asskickery.

Stop Dishonoring God with Your Fear.

Standing at the cliff I looked down.
The water was brilliant,
radiant turquoise waters shimmering from the sun’s light.
Beautiful tropical fish swimming around in a flurry of delight as people swam by them.
The lush backdrop of tropical trees, brilliant colored flowers and the cool ocean air.

There I stood at the cliff,
desiring to jump.
Desiring to leap.
My lover watching from a distance.
Cheering me on.
Ready to snap a picture of me leaping.

There I stood.
Feeling my life.
Feeling the life I had not yet lived.
Looking into the crystal clear waters that just moments before I had been snorkeling in.
I desired to jump.
I desired to show myself and my lover,
everyone around me that I could.

There I stood,
my heart pumping blood more intensely then any other time.
My eye’s witnessing others leaping with delight off this cliff,
squealing with joy as they crashed into the cool water below,
laughter erupting from below from their joy.

THEN…

Then a woman,
she is fearful,
she is anxious,
she is nauseating in her energy.
She questions everything.
I could feel her.
All my fear,
all my hold back,
catching on her doubt and feeding itself.

Here I stood,
looking over this cliff,
wanting to jump.
Wanting to experience the joy,
the freedom,
the free fall into bliss.

Yet I handed my opportunity over to FEAR.
I leaned into this woman’s fears,
I took them on as my own.
I logically supported her words,
her doubts.
And I said, “No.”

No to myself.
No to opportunity.
No to growth.
No to the experience.
No to my desire.
No to the calling.

I said no, not based on my desire or heart,
but no based on a strangers fear and doubt.

Her reflection in me,
overcame my very desire.

Still today, I look back at this experience in Mexico as a game changer. I know that it was a lesson that I felt but did not get in the moment.

I know that it was a test of soul that I failed at that time.
All things happen for a reason,
and when we feel our fears at the cliff of any change,
we decide to either lean and leap toward our calling,
our bliss,
or
we decide to step away from them.

I have processed this moment over and over again,
I have examined the physical feelings that came up in my body. I have shamed myself, sat in regret, said many a mean thing to myself around this.

I have blamed this choice at that time for other events that took place to follow.
Seeing how my lack of not leaping into my fear, preventing me from standing strong in other desires.
Prevented me from moving forward when my soul called out to MOVE.

So I procrastinated.
So I waited.
Waited till God had enough.
Waited until I was thrown out of the nest,
and was forced to fly.

No matter what happens in life,
our lessons come for us.

No matter what happens,
we will be forced to face our fears,
and we will be given the choice to leap into our bliss,
or cower into our suffering.

God will continue to hold out his hands of opportunity.
God will continue to walk us up to these life changing cliff’s.
God will continue to tell us we can fly.

But WE must be the one’s to say YES.
We must be the one’s to OPEN OUR WINGS.

In choosing to allow other’s fears and doubts to over take us like I did in Mexico, we hemorrhage our power.

We bleed out.
And we loose ourselves to this world.

When we allow our feelings to be directed by other’s views, thoughts, opinions and feelings, we say no to the most important person in our life.

We say no to ourselves and we turn our backs on God.
This is why we suffer.
This is why we live with depression.
This is where our anxiety comes from.
This is why we are rageful.

When we deny ourselves,
when we step away from the cliff that is calling our soul to fly,
we dishonor God.

We condemn his greatness.
And we separate ourselves from his glory.

This is one of the greatest sin’s that we can allow.
Yet, here we are.
A society of wantabe obedient believers,
Casting ourselves out of heaven,
separating ourselves from God and all the blessing.

We live in a state of ego,
and ego blinds us to our TRUTH.

The TRUTH,
THAT WE CAN FLY!

So stop listening to the fear,
Stop bleeding out your power,
Stop allowing this world to steal your glory.

Leap Baby.
LEAP.

And feel the abundance.
Feel the JOY.
Feel the Blessings.

You are WORTHY.

I love you.
And as always,
Stop Existing & Start Living

PS – Tomorrow is the day!
Will you be joining me?
I sure the f-ck hope so.
I am so excited about this 10 day experience with you, where we will cover the ten most important areas around getting into soul alignment and creating that F-ck YES! Life that you desire and deserve.

This Facebook Global workshop is focused on alignment asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life.

Stop F*cking Around has launched and Live training kicks in on July 18th, 2018.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

 

You will not want to miss this event.

Here are some of the thing s that people are saying who have sampled the workshop so far.

” Wow, it is like magic. I accessed the pre-work and instantly felt the changes in my thinking. So powerful.”

“I love your style, you teach and share with such ease, it’s like working with your best friend. I feel like you just get me and where I am at.”

“You make it so easy to just embrace life. I have followed you for years and having this opportunity to work with you is so exciting.”

Stop F*cking Around – 10 days of Alignment Asskickery!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

 

Grab your spot TODAY and get started on creating that F-ck YES! Life Now.

STOP saying you want it, but NEVER take any solid action to GETTING IT.

STOP bouncing around with ton’s of great ideas, but no clarity as to what you really desire.

STOP making excuses, instead CLAIM your AWESOMNESS.

Do you have a calling that is screaming at you?
Do you crave an authentic, blissed out life?
Do you have ton’s of creative energy but no clue what to do with them?
Do you feel like you have tried all these things but are still just standing at the side lines of your life?

Well ….

The answer is simple.

Stop F*cking Around!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

 

SIGN UP NOW.
Start living your Truth.
Start Calling in your blessings.
You deserve it.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around

 

The Epidemic of “Most Likely Not.”

Most likely not, but who the f-ck knows, right?

 
Most likely not the right time.
Most likely not the right person.
Most likely not the right opportunity.
Most likely not the right energy.
Most likely not the blah, blah, blah.
 
I am speaking to you today about just this epidemic of, “Most Likely Not.”
 
It is an epidemic.
I shit you not.
It has taken over your mind.
It has stolen your hearts desires.
It has cast fear into your soul.
 
The epidemic of most likely not.
It is what makes the one’s who actually do,
so f-cking rare.
It is what makes so many so ill in their lives.
 
Most likely not my time.
Perhaps I “should” just wait a little longer,
get a better plan,
be smart about this move,
stick it out and see what happens,
be responsible.
 
Are you one of those people who need a plan for everything.
Need to have your ducks lined up first before making a move.
 
Are you one of those folks who always see’s everything that could go wrong with a choice, a situation.
Examining all possible roads before making a commitment to something.
 
Are you one of those peep’s who is always saying that you want something or are going to do something, but then has no clue where to start or how to get there so takes months, maybe years to ever act on your hearts desires, and when you FINALLY take the f-cking leap crash because you really did miss your timing.
 

Well are you?

 
Let’s be real here.
Let’s get down to the nitty gritty truth of why the f-ck you are not living the life that you were born to live.
 

Are you ready?

Are you?

 
Are you sure you want to hear this?
 
Well, even if you don’t that is just TOUGH SH*T BABY,
because I will yell it from the roof tops as to the reason you are not living your life the way you want.
 
I have no issue standing before you and writing it out for you to examine, ponder, try to figure out a way around and cringe over.
 
I love you.
I want to see you become the shining start that God wants you to be.
I want to see you in all of your glory.
You were born for greatness.
 
We all know it.
You can feel it.
 

Stop what you are doing RIGHT NOW.

S-T-O-P!

 
Seriously, pause a moment and take your right hand and place it on your chest. Put your effing hand on your heart.
 
Don’t worry, yeah sure this is one of those love yourself, catch the feels for yourself moments. Tap into your emotions.
 
Yep I said that.
Tap into your effing emotions.
Now, I want you to take your left hand and place it on your groin.
 
You know down there.
On your crotch.
Your junk.
Your genitals.
 
No not to masturbate, silly.
Take your hand off from doing that and just let your hand comfortably rest on your genitals.
 
Now close your damn eye’s.
 
Close them.
And BREATHE.
 
Deep into your stomach.
Not your f-cking chest!
Your stomach.
Relax your tight ass and allow your stomach to expand.
Stop worrying about how you look right now.
 
Just BREATHE.
Feel that heart beating in your chest.
Feel that breath filling your body.
Feel the warmth in your groin.
 
Feel your f-cking self!!!!
 
Does this scare the shit out of you?
Are you feeling uncomfortable in your own skin right now?
Wondering WTF you are suppose to be getting from this little exercise?
 
Find yourself in your head?
That is you running from your TRUTH.
 
Want to know WTF you are not living that life that you really want?
 
Why you cannot seem to ever have the relationships you want?
 
Why your bank account is always less than what you want?
Why you are not happy?
 
Well are you ready now?
Yeah most likely not.
 
It is so f-cking simple you don’t want to accept it.
You want it to be hard.
That is the truth, you want it to be difficult to achieve because then….
 
Then you have an excuse,
a reason,
as to why the f-ck you don’t have it.
 
So you are going to continue to create difficulties in your life to make sure you have lot’s of excuses and reasons as to WHY you cannot have, do not have the life that you claim you desire and want.
 
But the truth is having all that you want is easy as hell.
It does not take much at all.
It is just about getting into your mother f-cking flow.
 
That is it.
And does FLOW sound like it should be difficult?
 
No, of course not.
If it was difficult then it would not be flow.
 
Does a river have a difficult time flowing.
Nope not unless someone damns it up.
 
Well you are the one,
the only effing one who is damning up your flow.
 
You have no one to blame but you baby.
 
So are you ready to hear the truth now?
Are you ready to receive the answer that you do not want, because hiding is so much more comfortable than actually stepping into your flow.
 
You are comfortable with your suffering,
that is why you still are living it.
 

O-K-A-Y…..

 
We are ready, not really but I am going to share it now anyway.
Here is the reason,
Here is the thing that you don’t want to hear.
Here is the mother f-cking truth of your life.
 
Ready….
 
#truthbomb
#realitycheck
 

Your lazy as f-ck and don’t believe it is for you.

 
There I said it.
You are lazy as f-ck and don’t believe it is for you.
 
Now the lazy as f-ck thing is really not the problem’
I am lazy as f-ck,
that is why I designed my life the way that I have.
That is exactly why I created my mother f-cking F-ck Yes Life!
(WOW! that was a bunch of the f word there, oh well, not very professional of me or Godly of me, huh. Oh, well, get the f-ck over it baby, it is just me being authentically me and preaching the f-cking truth to you on WTF you are tired, disillusioned, depressed, sick, angry and fearful of living your f-cking life.)
 
The TRUTH is that lazy is NOT your issue.
 
No the TRUTH is that you don’t believe that you can.
 
Therfore you are trying to control everything instead of just LETTING GO and LETTING God’s Flow Happen.
 
You claim you believe in something greater than yourself.
You claim you believe that God has your back.
You claim that you believe that you are saved.
You claim that you believe that God can move mountains.
You claim all this stuff.
 
But that is the issue.
It is STUFF.
And you don’t really believe it.
You are faking your belief.
 
If you REALLY had a drop of belief you would just simply step into your flow and stop resisting it.
 
But you don’t.
 
Which is why those of us who choose to step into the river of blessings and just open ourselves up are so f-cking rare.
 
This river is ever flowing.
There is more than enough with plenty left over.
We could jump and frolic, laugh and play in this abundance together.
 
But you don’t believe you can have it.
You are to caught up on everything else that you are trying to control instead of just reaping the blessings that this phenomenal life has to offer.
 
I wish it were different.
And it is for some.
About 0.01% of some that is.
 
But is that 0.01% you?
You may feel that stir in your gut.
Butterflies in your tummy.
Warmth in your chest.
Pulsing in your genitals.
 
But is it REALLY you?
Only YOU can answer this.
 
Until you get around to answer it,
I am going to be over here in the sparkling, cool, relaxing waters of abundance.
Enjoying my life.
My day.
My blessings.
I am going to bask in the sunshine of this life and just breathe it in.
Follow my bliss and get lost in life’s rapture.
 
I will be here.
Waiting for you to come join.
 
Say yes to you.
You deserve to live.
 
I love you.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

 
PS – Yesterday I launched my newest online workshop.
It is 10 days of alignment asskickery for anyone who wants to leap into their desired life.
 
Stop F*cking Around launched yesterday and Live training kicks in on July 18th, 2018.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
You will not want to miss this event.
 
Here are some of the thing s that people are saying who have sampled the workshop so far.
 
” Wow, it is like magic. I accessed the pre-work and instantly felt the changes in my thinking. So powerful.”
 
“I love your style, you teach and share with such ease, it’s like working with your best friend. I feel like you just get me and where I am at.”
 
“You make it so easy to just embrace life. I have followed you for years and having this opportunity to work with you is so exciting.”
 
Stop F*cking Around – 10 days of Alignment Asskickery!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
Grab your spot TODAY and get started on creating that F-ck YES! Life Now.
 
STOP saying you want it, but NEVER take any solid action to GETTING IT.
 
STOP bouncing around with ton’s of great ideas, but no clarity as to what you really desire.
 
STOP making excuses, instead CLAIM your AWESOMNESS.
 
Do you have a calling that is screaming at you?
Do you crave an authentic, blissed out life?
Do you have ton’s of creative energy but no clue what to do with them?
Do you feel like you have tried all these things but are still just standing at the side lines of your life?
 
Well ….
 
The answer is simple.
 
Stop F*cking Around!
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/
 
SIGN UP NOW.
Start living your Truth.
Start Calling in your blessings.
You deserve it.
https://www.tantrictransformation.com/stop-f-cking-around/

Sick As Shit, But NOT Accepting This.

I most likely “should” not be doing this today, after all I am sick.
I am recovering from this nasty as f*ck cold that took over my voice, my chest, my head, my sinuses. Keeping me awake hours all night and just not letting me sleep like a hungry lover who never is fulfilled.

I most likely “should” just cancel my day and F-ck it!
I most likely “should” go to the doctor and get some med’s to help me bust through this shit quicker.

Yeppers.
That is what I most likely “SHOULD” do.

But that is NOT what leaders do.
That is not what high vibe peep’s do.
That is not what those of us who have dreams do.

No.
It sure is f*uck not.

I might be sick.
I certainly need to take some TLC time.
I most defiantly need rest and a few good nights sleep.
But incorporating a practice of “shoulding on myself?”
I am F-CK NO to that one.

That will not heal me quicker or help me reach my goals.
It will not bring my being to a higher VIBE.

It will dilute me.
It will suck me dry from the false judgement,
the ego,
the fear,
the resistance of being all of me.

It will prevent me from SHINING my Mother F-cking Light as strong as I WANT to.

The issue is NOT in the things that I say I “should” do or “should not” do.

The issue is the SHOULD.

The statement of should say’s that I am basing…
My life,
My health,
My beliefs,
My goals,
My style,
My attitude,
My sex,
My money,
My LIGHT

on what I BELIEVE the world thinks I should do or should not do/be/have.

It is not based on WHO I AM, but on who I think society will accept the most.

There is the issue.

You know this issue, don’t you?
I bet you know it intimately even.

Maybe to intimately to acknowledge even,
keeping this relationship with “SHOULD” in the hiding as much as you can.
Acting as though you are removed from it,
Like you divorced it.
You don’t have that issue any longer.
That was the old you.

The new you is…

ENLIGHTENED.

Right?

Hahahahahahahahah…..
Okay sure.

I will let you sit there with that.
And I will sit here with mine.
And we can just sit in silence of our hiding our truth for just a second longer.

But here is the issue in that….

I can ONLY sit here a second with it.
I simply don’t have the time to give my life to all the “SHOULD’S and SHOULD NOT’S”

I simply KNOW with CERTAINTY that they will NEVER provide me with anything that I want.

They will only steal my breath.
They will only take my dreams and bury them in the waste land of a life that COULD HAVE BEEN.

They will only fill my soul with REGRET.

No.

I sure as F-CK DO NOT have more than a second of my time to sit here with you, in the silence of not chasing my dreams.

I know with CERTAINTY that God has my back.
I know with CERTAINTY that anything I truly put my mind, heart and attention to will manifest like f-cking magick for me.

I know with CERTAINTY that you can have this too.

But FIRST.
First you have to let go of your shoulding nature.

First you have to say goodbye to it,
let yourself cry your tears of mourning of letting go of all that holds you back,
(she coughs)
Yes your hold backs, those things that feel so f-cking safe and comfortable.

I KNOW you don’t want to admit it.
I KNOW you want to cringe at the realization of it.
I KNOW that you find yourself holding your breath,
feeling guilt or shame even around it,
But it is F-CKING TRUE.

Isn’t it?

Imagine if you just FINALLY accepted that you were limitless.
Imagine if you just FINALLY decided to get selfish.
Imagine if you just FINALLY chose to say YES,
Yes to YOU.

Who would you be?
What would you have?
Where would you go?
What would you do?

Imagine if you just stopped shoulding on yourself.
What would it FEEL like with out the should in your life?

Seriously,
I am the one who is SICK AS F-CK here…
I am the one that “should” be crying in my yogurt about how crappy I feel,
How tired I am,
How shitty my body feels today,
How much I still have to do and have no energy for.

F-CK THAT!
You won’t catch me doing that.

Instead,
Instead you will see me leaning in to the discomfort of
SAYING YES….

YES, to the most important person in this Mother F-cking world.

YES to ME.

Saying YES
to self care,
telling myself that I am worthy,
that I am lovable,
that I am unf-cking stoppable,
that I am powerful,
beautiful,
magnetic
and healthy.

Sh*t Ain’t Going To Get Me Down.
I will step past that “Should Pile” and I will put on my shoes,
eat my yogurt and strawberries,
drink my coffee and water,
write out my commandments of manifestation,
BREATHE in Life.
And SHINE.

Now the ONLY Question of the day that remains,
Is what will you do with your “should pile?”

STOP Stepping in it!
That is what I highly recommend.

And As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

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