LOVE SHOULD BE PERFECT.

LOVE SHOULD BE PERFECT.

 

And yet it never is.

 

A long time ago when I was living in Seattle, Washington I was attending a church in Kent with a pastor that I adored. I learned so much from Pastor Jack. He was focused on teaching the congregation about blessings, about our glory and how that translated into the law of attraction.

 

I still make use of his teachings today with my clients almost daily and in my shares here with you as well.

 

Among my favorite things he shared were,

 

“More than enough with plenty left over.”

 

Which always commanded in the belief and feeling that we are always provided for,

that we always have more than enough in the things that we need with plenty left to share.

And that the leftovers are there for us to do just that …..SHARE.

 

And then his other reminder of truth that I have kept in my heart and mind all these years was focused toward relationships….

 

The relationship of marriage.

 

And in today’s world,

which even though greatly different than that of just 15 years ago when Pastor Jack was preaching his wisdom to me,

is still all the same.

 

His words of truth were simple.

 

“Marry your best friend.”

 

Those words made me look at my marriage,

and perhaps were words that supported me to divorce a few years later.  Although back then I would have felt the need to confirm that I was best friends with my then husband,

the reality was not that we were best friends.

 

We got along on a ton of items,

but I found that I had to restrict myself in so many ways,

and that was not friendship,

and certainly not best friends.

 

When I am working with couples today in my coaching practice many come to me troubled and on the cusp of a breaking up because of so many things…

 

*Not enough sex or bad sex.

*Financial issues.

*Abuse of one kind or another.

*Affairs.

*Lack of sexual desire.

 

 

And most couples will start off their tale by telling me that they are best friends with their spouse,

that they can tell them anything,

that they have fantastic communication.

But….

 

fill in the blank from above list here.

 

They believe that if they had more sex/better sex or a stronger desire for their partner,

if they were physically attracted more to them,

if they had more money in the bank,

or what have you that their marriage would be perfect.

 

Now the reality is that if you are in an abusive relationship ( no matter what that looks like) that chances are you need to get out of it because an abusive partner often does not see their wrong and change,

if you are in a relationship that has suffered from infidelity,

There can be work done and you can repair it and even come back stronger than ever before if love and communication/friendship is at the front stage of both parties minds.

 

The desire for more sex, better sex or having more desire for your partner… .these things can be detrimental if the friendship and love are not there first and if both parties are not open to raw, real discussions based in truth and love to work on these challeneges,

but if both parties are wanting the connection and can be emotionally mature to take responsibility for self and speak their truth and work together on these items,

then you can have a deeply strong bond and the sex and desire can grow from it.

 

The relationships that come to me wanting these things,

often have one MAJOR obstacle however…

 

One partner is stubborn and refuses to see the truth.

Refuses to take the matter seriously or take the time and effort required to build this part of the relationship. They don’t believe that it is their problem and that the other partner is to blame for it and needs the fixing.

 

However that is never the case.

Relationships are always a two way street.

It always requires both people to want to connect and come together. It requires both parties to take responsibility for themselves and to not get caught up in their old wounds from the past.

 

Unfortunately, this is where the relationship breaks down.

People often don’t want to do this.

They want the easy street and they say,

“Love should be easy.”

“Love should be perfect.”

 

We are all human.

And there is no such thing as the perfect human.

If you have a list of fifty qualities that you want and count highly important in a mate,

and you believe that you will get ALL of these qualities in one person and until you get them all that you will not settle,

I ask you to look in the mirror and ask of yourself if you exhibit all fifty of them yourself?

 

You are never going to find someone who is 100% of those qualities a hundred percent of the time.

 

They are human.

You are human.

And life changes and transforms us.

Some qualities can be developed over time.

Some are just there and a natural part of who we are,

some are based on energetic connections,

while others have everything to do with our gene pool.

 

If you are counting any of these qualities as love though,

you are mistaken.

 

Qualities do not define love.

 

They add to love.

They sweeten the pot.

 

Love is something that you cannot explain,

nor does it need to be explained.

It just is.

And when it is felt on both sides now you have something special.

 

LOVE COMES FROM BEING ABLE TO BE YOURSELF WITH SOMEONE ELSE, UNMASKED.

 

When we can do this with someone,

we feel acceptance and love for self and it translates to “loving someone else” because we see the reflection of what we are feeling for self as what we see coming or going toward another.

 

When we “fall in love” or catch feels for someone,

what is actually happening is that we are witnessing ourselves in love. We are falling in love with self and this other person is simply helping us see our own beauty.

 

That is why the best friend statement is so powerful.

In friendship there is an acceptance, an unconditional love.

It goes past all that life can change for us,

like our physical bodies appearance,

our health or financial status,

it looks past our ups and downs and even past the chemical connectors that we have on the front side of a romantic relationship that over the course of three to five years diminish and change.

 

But for some reason, we humans believe that love should be perfect.

That these connecting chemicals should ALWAYS be there,

that the energy and excitement of the first kiss is the way that we will remain throughout all of time,

that the person who is standing before us perfect in their skin of today will never change,

that the feelings that we are having will just remain unwavering.

Or that if we do not have all these sudden rushes of ignition but that we do deeply care and connect in all other ways that this is not or cannot be real love.

That it is “ONLY FRIENDSHIP” and we in turn lower it to that level and get frustrated that we cannot find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect that checks all of our boxes on our list of fifty all of the time.

 

And so we remain living in search of something that has been offered to us repeatedly.  Believing that if we explore,

if we open ourselves to the love that is there before us and go as deep as we can with it that we are settling,

we are giving up,

that if they don’t have everything that they are not Mr. or Mrs. Perfect and instead are a waste of our precious time.

 

What we are doing to ourselves in this is denying ourselves the beauty of discovery of love.

 

Love is a quest of self.

Love is about finding out who we really are through our relating with another.

It is about meeting all aspects of self,

and without relationship we will never meet our authentic selves at any depth.

 

When we continue to look for perfection in a mate,

What we are actually saying is that we ourselves are not worthy of our own love until we become PERFECT as well.

 

So how will you ever find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect if you prevent yourself from growing into your whole beautiful self by denying  love to be birthed through a relationship with another imperfect human who is there as your teacher of self love?

 

Chances are your relationship with anyone will not last  in a forever sense.

 

That reality although harsh is still a reality.

We outgrow each other,

and as we change sometimes our mates choose a path of slower or limited growth that creates a breaking point in the relationship,

but if we have come together in friendship and love,

then even the parting is done in the same fashion.

And we each can gain what we need for our own development.

 

It’s time that we start to view relationships and even marriage as the opportunity to explore self and learn to love deeply through the witnessing of another that rivets us deeper into our truth.

 

Love is always perfect.

It is always perfect for the moment that the relationship is in.

It is never easy,

but it can always be in flow with who we are.

 

We create our own obstacles to feeling it by trying to make it perfect in every moment and getting irritated with the reality that love, true love requires each party to grow in connection with self first.

 

Where does your love stand?

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn more about how self-love helps create the grounds to call in your soulmate love today? Reach out to me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching now.

A LETTER TO THE MAN I SHOULD HAVE MADE LOVE TO…

A LETTER TO THE MAN I SHOULD HAVE MADE LOVE TO…
 
Open.
Connective.
With eyes like a stormy sky.
Your smile greets me in warm anticipation everytime that we meet.
 
I feel your heartbeat,
It radiates from across the room,
Your masculine energy engulfs my every move,
And I feel you watching me.
My attention is on the funny crook of my smile,
Wondering if you notice.
I breathe deep,
Taking in this moment with you.
 
I feel the stir inside my being,
A hunger from deep within.
My thoughts wonder,
My attention is now on your breath.
I feel your restriction,
I see you grip you hands,
Controlling your hunger,
As you smile and breathe me in.
 
I can feel you absorb my very essence as I come close,
My body tingles,
My pulse intensifies,
And I wonder.
 
I watch the rise and fall,
Of your body as we connect,
I listen to your nervousness,
To your desire,
That you speak through the silence,
And I smile.
I smile at our connection.
I smile at your willingness.
I smile at your adoration,
And respect.
 
I see how you fear fucking this up.
How you want for more,
For all of me.
And yet settle for the glimmer of my eyes looking back into yours.
 
You are the man,
The man who shows his heart through the silence of this moment,
You are the man,
Who feels ever so deeply,
And denies his hunger.
You are the man,
The man that can ignite me.
In your own unique fashion,
You get me.
And I know I am seen by you,
Like no other has witnessed.
 
Your depth,
Your reveal,
The way you share this moment.
 
You are the man I should have made love to.
 
You are the man that deserves to be felt at this level.
 
You are the man who I know has gone a thousand years without the depth deserved,
This hunger that is rising,
This connection you offer,
Its been a lifetime in the waiting,
And most women deny.
 
I see your pain my sweet man,
I feel your hearts surrender,
And your bodies desire to open,
As it opens mine,
To shared ecstasy.
 
You are not wanting surface level relating,
You crave the deepest penetration,
You want the dancing of heart, soul and body,
And the unbridled passion they bring forth.
 
How long has it been sweet man?
How long have you waited to be absorbed into the gulf of the true feminine,
Where you get lost in the currents of bliss?
 
Where you have seen and been seen,
Where you elevate your lover,
As she pulls you in deeper and together you rise to the heavens in a dance?
 
You are the man I should have made love to,
The man who is waiting still.
 
Tender.
Strong.
And passionate
Your hesitation in my presence says it all.
You look deeply into my eyes,
As your soul captures this moment.
 
—-‐————————————————————————
 
To all the men of the 🌎 world,
The men who desire connection over surface level fucking and relating.
 
The men who want more from self and woman,
The men who crave to be captivated in her caverns,
And enjoy the journey of revealing.
 
To all the men who value the feminine.
Who do not fear her power,
But instead support and respect it.
Nuture her heart,
As you adorn her body,
And protect her from this worlds craze
To all the men,
Who have gone so long without a woman who sees your truth and honesty,
Your love for something more than paychecks and quick sex.
Who has squashed his masculine,
And feels unsafe to share.
I see you sweet man,
As more conscious women will too.
 
You are worthy of a goddess,
You are second to no other,
Its time sweet man you recognize that you have been accepting far too little.
 
Open yourself to being made love to.
Slow down,
And ask her too as well.
Don’t rush this beautiful process,
And limit your pleasure,
You are a man that deserves to me made love to.
A man that is worthy of being lifted.
Lifted to her alters,
And recieved.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers “

It Takes Courage To Have An Authentic Relationship.

IT TAKES COURAGE TO HAVE AN AUTHENTIC RELATIONSHIP.

 

I have this belief that ALL…

Yes ALL people who are in an intimate relationship with another need to go through the inquiry and inner work as well and relating work  that those who have successful open relationships do.

 

I believe that no matter how you label your relationship,

that you should explore authentic relating for what it really means.

 

Most monogamous couples “think” they know each other.

“Think” they love each other unconditionally.

“Think” they are best friends and trust each other.

“Think” they are doing it right and will have success.

 

Most people who decide to open up their relationships choose to do so at a low period in their primary relationship and “think” that opening up will fix something.

“Think” that you can just overnight shift gears and that this thing called inner work and couples work to set agreements, learn each other and communicate are not needed.

That you can go zero to 100 overnight so to speak.

 

Both cases are detrimental to the relationship.

And it’s because the number one issue in relationships is communication.

 

And I am sure you may be among the many who believes that you communicate well with your partner.

You may think that you got this fully taken care of ,

but I ask you, is this true?

 

98% of couples that I have worked with over the last 15+ years come in telling me that they are good if not great communicators,

that their partner is their bestie and they can tell them anything.

But not three sessions into coaching and the truth is discovered.

 

They suck at communication.

Because they keep it at a surface level.

There is no depth in relating.

And if they touch on depth,

it causes confrontation,

triggers old wounds and fears,

and both parties end up dancing in their ego’s and speaking from their pain bodies instead of their heart centers.

 

So they avoid it.

They shut their truth down,

they tell their partners a softer version or nothing at all,

and they hide the best they can from themselves for as long as they can as to not rock the perfect picture of a loving connected relationship that they are wanting to paint.

 

When the hard fact is that they have challenges.

 

It takes courage to speak up in a relationship.

It takes courage to be real in a relationship.

It takes courage to listen without trying to change, control or freak out about what might be being shared in a relationship.

It takes courage to remain stable inside yourself when living authentically with another.

And it takes courage to be raw and real with yourself so you can do all the above.

 

But f-ck is it worth it,

just like you are worth it and so is your relationship.

 

You see, if you are among the many who are not operating at this level of authentic relationship but desire open communication, unconditional love, acceptance, honesty and truth in the relationship and from your partner,

then how is it ever going to be possible if you live hiding from yourself and basing your feelings and actions in fear of losing your partner?

 

If you are making your partner responsible for your happiness and worthiness then how can they ever just be themselves and state their truth to you?

 

If you are holding expectations as to what they need to do, how they need to act then how can they share their truth with you about anything that may pose a difficult conversation? And how is this unconditional love?

 

If you define yourself based on your relationship,

which simply means you are not strong in WHO YOU ARE,

then how can you be truthful with another?

 

To be authentic, truthful and honest with another you first must KNOW YOURSELF and be strong at your core so you are not rocked by another.

 

Remember that humans are fickle.

We ebb and flow,

we all are live waves in our feelings, emotions, thoughts and that we get caught in our wounds as well as our desires.

 

In authentic relating we understand that

there is your business,

there is my business,

and there is God’s business,

and that we each are ONLY RESPONSIBLE for one of those.

Anything else is sticking our noses where they are not needed.

 

The most unconditional loving person is the person who knows themselves, loves themselves first, and can embrace their shadow self as well as their glorious light.

They know their worth and it is not dependent on any outside source.

 

This is a person who can love deeply and unconditionally.

This is a person who can truly be honest and real.

This is a person who is self-empowered and therefore has the ability to allow for their partner to grow, to speak, to change.

 

As it is so intended.

relationships need to evolve over time.

This means that both parties need to do the same.

 

Expecting ourselves, our partners or the relationship to remain the same,

causes stagnation to our individual growth and the evolution of our love and relationships.

This is the coward’s path.

And it typically results in two things:

*Unhappiness

*Relationship Failure

 

It takes courage to relate authentically.

It takes courage to relate in unconditional love.

It takes courage to catch our control issues in a relationship.

It takes courage to see our fear based actions, feelings and thoughts for what they are… fear of our own inadequacies, fear of our worthiness and lack of value, the lack of personal acceptance cast onto our partner, and fear of abandonment.

 

But when we stand in courage and face our truth,

love ourselves through our fears,

we open the gates to deep, penetrative love and acceptance with our partner.

 

And THIS….

THIS is what we all crave and desire.

 

You are worthy of this beauty.

You are worthy of this sort of love.

 

Offer it to yourself and your partner today,

by starting with seeing YOURSELF authentically and leaning into those difficult conversations.

 

Reach out to me if you want information on how to go about just this and more.

Learn authentic relating no matter your relationship title to create an evolved loving relationship that fits your soul’s path now.

 

And As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

They Are Called Your Emotions For A Reason.

THEY ARE CALLED YOUR EMOTIONS FOR A REASON.

 

Truth Bomb Here.

Are you like most of the world that believe that others are responsible for your emotional state,

for the feelings that YOU are having about any subject in your life?

 

Or are you self-aware enough and proactive enough to understand that they are YOUR emotions, meaning that YOU and only you are responsible for them.

 

No one else can make you feel any way.

You get to choose how you feel about something.

You get to choose how you react to something.

You CHOOSE.

 

This is by far one of the most challenging things to grasp in life,

We are taught that we need to act, speak and even think through everything in ways to not harm or cause anyone else to feel bad.

We are told that we are not good enough,

that we are too much,

that we are RESPONSIBLE for how others feel about themselves,

about situations and how they perceive us.

 

And yes,

to a degree we are responsible.

Our actions and words most certainly can trigger other’s into a negative or positive spiral.

Our actions do contribute to how we are perceived.

 

But we are not solely responsible for another’s feels, views or perceptions.

 

We each have an ability to be proactive in our thinking,

which leads to us being proactive in our feeling,

and to pause before we assume anything.

 

Becoming self-aware means to become authentic with self.

It means that we are willing to get real and raw with ourselves, and to acknowledge that anothers words or actions have only triggered an old program or wound,

and once triggered that we are now feeling this old emotion as though it is current.

 

The insecurities that we hold about ourselves,

the hatred that we have for ourselves,

the self- judgement, and shame…

All of these play a role in our emotions that can get triggered by an event or person.

 

But these internal landscapes that we all have,

are not another’s responsibility to cautiously thread through.

It is each of our own responsibility to self and to our lives,

to do the deep personal work to heal and become aware of.

 

If we do not do our own inner work,

then we are destined to walk through life feeling disempowered,

feeling a victim,

not understood and always attacked.

We will continue to view life as though we have no control and point fingers in blame at those we love,

at life experiences,

our governments, churches, schools, work.

 

However, when we choose to get real with self,

to practice self- love, healthy boundaries, knowing our desire’s, speaking our truth and RELEASING OURSELVES from the responsibility of everyone else’s feelings,

as well as taking responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings and actions,

we become EMPOWERED.

 

By doing this, we walk through life with less shame, guilt, blame, judgement on self or others and we approach life from a healthier state of relating.

 

We can now speak in confidence our needs,

state clearly our yes and no and also accept another’s

without falling into an old wound or fear and needing to control an outcome.

 

We release the world and especially our loved one’s from the driver’s seat of our lives.

 

They are called your emotions for a reason.

They are all your’s.

 

And when we had them over to someone else,

we hold an expectation that the other person will and “should” always put us before them.

 

And if they do not,

then we are hurt and feel as though they do not love us, that they are selfish and heartless,

that we are not safe with them.

 

When in fact,

what we are asking for by turning over our power to another,

by making them responsible for our emotions is what is self-centered.

 

And if the other does always hold us before them,

guarding us and never letting us feel any uncomfort,

then what they are doing is hiding themselves from us.

The relationship is NOT authentic.

We have successfully required this other person, to mute themselves, change who they are, pretend at all cost and hide from us and themselves,

so that we can feel secure.

 

How is this love?

How is this respect?

How is this authentic relating?

 

 

It’s NOT.

 

Life is a risk.

24/7 you risk if you are breathing.

 

Security…

Safety…

It’s an illusion.

 

Love is risky.

And you can choose to lean into it and enjoy its bliss however long it lasts,

or you can shut it down and try and control it so that you can live in a mirage for however long it lasts.

One allows for growth and truth.

The other, causes bitterness and wounds that may never get repaired between people.

 

Which do you choose?

And As Always,

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to learn how you can move into a truly authentic, loving relationship and heal the wounds of your past so you can have a F-ck Yes life and relationship?

 

Message me today for deet’s on global and local coaching now.

 

Let’s Get Real About What Define The Relationship Really Means.

 

“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,

and I have been told this from past lovers.

They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,

because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.

 

They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.

They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,

They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.

 

No, they wanted the MF LABEL.

And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.

Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.

No, they could not trust that.

They needed the words spoken,

just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,

for it to actually be real.

 

Nothing mattered but the label.

 

And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,

I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.

 

And here is why.

 

You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.

 

They don’t have anything to do with trust either,

and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.

 

What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.

 

Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.

 

Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.

 

This validation gives a false sense of security.

Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.

 

And that is what DTR is all about folks.

Validation of self through another, false security and control.

 

Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.

And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.

 

Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.

 

In my opinion,

(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.

 

The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”

 

Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?

 

And what if….

what if our lovers answered authentically.

 

OMFG! That would be amazing.

But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,

they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.

 

All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.

But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,

not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.

 

If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,

or to not have your jealousy anymore,

or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,

and believes that the label is a sign of love,

then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.

 

And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.

 

Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?

 

What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?

 

What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?

 

What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?

 

What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?

 

What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?

 

What if you started to define your relationship by saying,

” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?

 

Or continue on your path,

you know the one.

The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.

 

And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.

 

Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.

 

Not to mention,

When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.

 

Level Up Your Love Now.

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?

 

Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.

“I love You. Just As You Are.”

 

Bob Marley once said:

“You may not be her first,

her last, or her only.

 

She loved before she may love again.

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

 

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto her and give her the most you can.

 

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.

 

So don’t hurt her,

don’t change her,

don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.

 

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

 

And he was a wise man in his lyrics.

The Jamaican artist who grew up on the concept of One Love,

and to love without fear,

without reservation,

and condition,

spoke the truth in his words about loving a woman,

but his words ring true in general.

 

His words on love are words that we could all gain wisdom from when looking at relationships in general.

 

Can you imagine a world where we spoke our truth.

Where we told our feelings without expectation,

where we related because that is what humans do…

 

Can you imagine a world where love was not based on what you can do for me,

or I for you,

but on the actual feeling of love.

 

Can you imagine a world where love was not captivated and crucified at every upset in the day,

a world where loving each other was normal and not judged or shamed,

can you imagine a world where we each had respect for self,

compassion for self,

love for self,

and thus could freely offer the same to another.

 

Can you imagine a world where saying “I love you” did not bear with it the weight of marriage, commitment of a lifetime, legal documents or looks of concern.

 

Can you imagine being loved just for being you?

 

This is the love that Marley was speaking of.

This is the message that we all need to hear,

 

and this morning as I sit here and am blessed with the words,

 

“I love you.”

 

I feel called to share the importance that they actually hold.

 

I love you is a statement of acceptance.

A statement of respect and care,

 

I love you means that I do not want to control you,

that I appreciate you JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

I love you means that I am not expecting anything in return,

there are no conditions,

there are no rules or obligations,

 

I love you means that I SEE YOU.

 

JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

And when these words are uttered,

they should not hold the reins on our heart,

they should not be spoken in shame or in fear,

but instead be words that frees our soul.

 

I love you means that I love me too.

Because I could not feel this feeling,

pure and authentically,

if you were not mirroring the love that I feel for self.

 

That is what it is a message of.

When we feel deep love for another,

without control or possession of any sort,

without jealousy or fear of losing,

without expectation,

 

we are feeling true love.

 

And true love can only emerge when we feel the same for self.

Others that we feel this radiance for,

ignite the truth of our souls,

allow us to embrace our bigness,

our beauty, and truth.

 

When love is authentic and not based in need,

It is a sign of who we really are.

 

And at our cores,

WE ARE LOVE.

 

We taste it juiciness.

We bathe in its sweetness,

We dance freely in its light,

and we expand within its breath.

 

Without love life is empty.

And with false love,

control masked as such,

we hunger to hold on,

we fear its loss,

we hand over our power to whomever we deem our point of focus,

and lose who we are.

 

To love someone…

 

You may not be the first person to love them,

or the last,

not even the only one.

 

They have loved before,

they will love again,

But if they are loving you now,

What else matters?

 

They are not perfect – you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never have the perfect relationship together, no matter its label,

but if they make you smile and laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto that love and give it the most you have.

 

They may not be thinking of you every moment of the day,

but that love will open you to your life,

that love will offer you something special,

something that you must respect, — your truth.

 

So don’t judge and shame your love,

don’t try and change it,

don’t analyze and

don’t expect more than what is shown.

 

Smile when you are happy,

let your feelings be known, even when mad,

let your words and actions be authentic.

 

Love with your whole being when you receive love,

Know that it is available at any moment,

it is your truth,

there is no such thing as perfect,

but there will always be love,

and it is all that matters.

 

How are you penetrating your life,

this world with your love?

 

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

 

 

You were born worthy of so much more than what you are allowing right now.

 

It is time that you say YES to you.

 

Join me in a 4 week 1:1 mastermind intensive to learn the 7 keys to creating the life of your dreams no matter the chaos of the world.

 

 

Message me for deet’s now before the special ends on May 3rd, 2020.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.
 
Alright gents,
here is a little musing that you need to read if you have a lady love or you ever want to be in a relationship with a woman and keep it sizzeling.
 
Relationships on the front side can be so playful, adventurous, passionate, hot, caring, supportive and can make you feel like the other person “just get’s you.”
 
This is how we start.
In the beginning we are focused on discovery of each other,
we are focused on courting and sharing.
We are facinated by this person that has walked into our lives and we find ourselves being deeply vulnerable and open with them.
 
It’s beautiful.
And we feel like this is love.
 
In fact it is NRE – new relationship energy.
After a period of time however, this NRE starts to dwindle.
It dies down and we start to meet the real person,
which can be nice but it can also shed some light on all that we had not noticed and that we don’t align too as well.
 
On top of that, with the NRE dwindling down so does the sexual chemistry.
 
What was once a hot turned on relationship with ton’s of playful sex and intimacy,
can quickly turn the corner to boring and dull,
effortless friction based sexing.
 
Then unfortunatley,
both parties allow for this to happen,
making excuses along the way for why it is,
 
“Work has been exhuasting.”
“I am just tired all the time.”
“Kids and family.”
“We just can’t find the time to squeeze out anymore.”
 
And with the excuses years pass.
 
As time goes on,
and connective turned on sex becomes less and less of a thing, the bonding chemicals between the couple become depleted. If one partner is still getting orgasm while the other is not (typically this shows up as the man having an orgasm and the woman going months or even years without) then bittnerness and frustration start to form.
 
 
If we look at the typical relationship out there,
what ends up happening is that the sex becomes what is referred to as ABC Sex – Anniversary, Birthday and Christmas. And for some “lucky gents” they get it once or twice a month. Believing that this is just how relationship is to be, that this is couplehood, its normal, its natural.
 
And that the relationship is still doing good.
 
But what they may not understand is the subtle change in personality in their female partner.
 
The once bubbly, playful, connective, confident woman who could light up a room is now sour to life, irritable, moody, depressed, tired, sick and insecure.
 
Again excuses get made.
 
“Its money worries.”
“Its exhaustion over the kids.”
“Its her age.”
“Its this disease that she has.”
“Its her work stress.”
 
And with this sublte personality change your lady love goes from looking at you as her prince charming to viewing you as her keeper, her controller, her boss, her child, an irritation in her life.
 
She is quick to attack,
she is easy to offend,
she is critical and judgemental.
She is tired and frustrated.
She does not want to be touched.
She does not want to play and gets irritated at your play.
She no longer see’s the humor in things.
She burries herself in her work or in the home or a TV show or book.
 
And when she is sexing with you…
she either fakes it or goes limp without much response.
 
But you are happy and you are grateful.
You got yours my sweet prince.
The sex was amazing,
maybe not the best you have had,
but some sort of sex is better then no sex,
and she is such a doll for taking care of you.
 
But with each giving of herself,
she empties her very soul,
she dims her light,
to keep the peace.
As she awaits for her knight to awaken and see that she needs saving.
 
And with each thrust that you provide,
you fall futher and further off your horse.
Your charm is no longer seen,
for the pain of her emptiness is all she can feel.
 
So if you desire to not loose your charm with your lady love,
then take heed to this musing,
and realize that the true knight in shining armor will conconquer the nights of empty sexing by applying his focus to making sure that she cums first and cums a few times,
by not accepting her willingness to just give herself up for your pleasure alone, will not support the trauma of her emotions or body with a lack of depth in presence or orgasm.
 
A true prince charming understands that in order for him to succeed at winning and keeping his ladies heart that he MUST educate himself on the ways of the feminine.
And not deny them or ignore.
 
So if you claim to love your woman,
then take on the mission of filling her up with orgasm.
Deep.
Connective.
Multiple.
Rich.
Orgasm.
 
Will you take on the mission of your woman’s pleasure and joy?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to explore more in depth ways to tap into healing your relationship, accessing a truly beautiful turned on bedroom life and deepen your intimacy? Message me for deets on my couples and indiviual coaching available globally.

A Letter To My Mr. Forever.

A Letter To My Mr. Forever:
 
I already know who you are,
you have come to me in a dream long ago.
I have sampled our life together,
through relationships of the past.
 
I have felt your soft touch upon my skin,
the tickle of your finger tips as they profess their love,
I have felt your breath against my flesh,
breathing in the moments together.
 
I have felt your force,
your strength and determination,
your passion and hunger.
As you devour me with life itself.
 
I have watched you my love,
your heart expanding,
your kindness, compassion and fiercness.
I have laughed and danced with you.
Loving each twirl that you lead.
 
I have embraced the moments of powerful emotion,
sitting in your lap,
our hearts beating as one,
eye’s gazing into forever,
tears steaming from our blended joy.
 
I have felt you penetrate me,
holding me deep commanding my surrender to your presence.
I have witnessed the magic,
and felt it move through my veins in our loving of our flesh,
the loving that trandscends,
both time and space.
 
I have heard you sing to me,
eternal love songs,
smiling with your ocean eye’s,
and letting me know that I am your queen.
 
I have shuddered from your touch,
and pushed myself past boundaries I never knew existed.
I have explored raptures that only few will ever know.
 
I have witnessed the depth of your soul,
and felt the elation of my own,
united with yours.
Becoming one.
 
I have been blessed to feel the presence of heaven and of God,
in our union.
The scent of fresh roses wafting about the room,
as if manifest from thin air.
I have felt the magnitude of your love.
 
I see the man that you are,
and because I see you so clearly,
and feel you so deep,
I know the woman that you demand me to become.
 
And I am not yet your woman,
I am not yet the one for you.
I hold you close and yet at arms length,
because I know.
I know who I must become,
not for you my love,
but for myself.
 
You demand of me to become ALL of me.
You call me from the future,
reminding me of the woman that I truly am.
You lead me now,
in the moments that my heart awakens,
that my body explores,
you guide me with your patience,
and smile from afar.
 
I see you watching me.
Yours eye’s following my moves.
I see your pleasure in your witnessing of my birth,
waiting.
Waiting for me to relaize.
 
And this my love,
shows the man that you are.
 
You will never cave or be something that you are not.
You will never step out of your superiour masculine energy to beg me, or taunt me, or lead me to believe it is our time yet,
when it is not.
You get the value of trust and what it takes to have it truly with another.
You are not fearful of your desires,
you embrace them as you will one day embrace me.
You penetrate this world with purpose, passion, play and confidence,
and you wait to take my heart, body and soul in the same measure.
 
I can feel you here and now.
Your presence grows closer by the day,
and I foretaste of your love in my current.
I am in gratitude for the man that awaits me,
the man that holds me,
the man that guides from time and space.
 
I am coming.
 
———————————————————————————–
 
This musing goes out to all the ladies in waiting,
whether you be single or coupled in current,
if you are lacking or looking,
if you cannot find “the one” and wonder,
where is that man of my dreams?
If you are with a love, but it s not true,
you feel lost still to your core,
and you have tasted of the love that you desire,
this musing is for you.
 
Love my beautiful,
is for the expanding not the shutting down.
Love is for the healing and the recognizing,
not the wounding and the masking,
Love elevates not deflates.
Love holds your truth,
and smiles as you discover it.
 
Love does not fear loosing,
because it knows it has everything you need.
Love watches your dance,
embraces your play and your fear,
Love knows who you are,
and guides you just to that.
 
Love does not control.
Love does not run.
Love does not waiver.
 
And this my beautiful,
is who is calling you from the future.
This is your Mr. Forever.
 
But first my dear,
you must recognize,
the Queen that YOU ARE.
 
To unit with this sort of love,
the demand is for you to receive YOURSELF,
in all your emotion,
all your joy,
all your fear,
all your beauty,
seen and unseen.
You MUST be ready my beautiful,
to become the match for this man.
 
Go.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Ladies in the house want to call in your Mr. Forever, reach out to me for guidance today to become the the woman that matches the man of forever.

Why Women Don’t Trust Men.

Tears that cannot be seen are still tears felt.
 
Often I meet people in some of the most difficult spaces of their lives.
They come to me in thier wounding,
in their fear,
in their bitterness and revenge.
Trauma masks them from their truth.
They are lost.
And with thier lostness they have comfort.
 
It is this way for anyone who has experienced pain.
And the pain much of the time is rooted in our thoughts of ego,
which continues to trap us in a nasty loop of past fears, thoughts, feelings and expereinces.
Due to this loop we feel comfort, but we never feel fulfilled or happy as well.
 
Abandonment is one of the the major culprits to this pain.
To these tears that are unseen.
 
Abandonment happens when we least expect it too, does it not?
 
Last night I was having a discussion with a close friend about this very topic. We sat over a bottle of guava rum and had some deep dives into vulnerable shares around relationships and how we could each see a pattern in our past relationships with men. The men that touched us in such a power way, the one’s who openned our hearts, expanded our thinking and taught us incredible lessons about our lives and who we are as women.
 
I sat there and shared about the four past relationships that I find most significant and that I can say that three of them I was deeply and still am today even (if I am real with you and I in this moment) in love with. These men awakened the woman that I am today. And I am ever grateful for them blessing my life as they had.
 
All four of these relationships, professed their undying love for me.
They all asked me to marry.
They all went deep into my heart and soul and penetrated me like no other. Each built on the one before,
taking me into new relams of love.
Oh the stories I could share, and have in other musings.
These four men,
they changed my world forever and taught me to love.
 
They also crushed me in ways that I am sure none of them ever intended of.
Their words of, ” I will fight for you.” – ” I love you unconditionally and want nothing more than your happiness.” – “I can see forever with you.” – “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you.” – You are my world.”
 
Yes, these words as if from a storybook romance,
so lovely, so enticing.
So real for the moment they were spoken,
were the words that also crushed me after a period of time.
 
These words became poison and what they all loved – me,
they tried to kill in their own way by severing through retraction, removal, disposal and even physically action down the road of our relationship.
 
Now, here is the thing I want you to get from this musing:
Was there pain? yes.
Is there still pain? In moments, yes.
But I am more in gratitude than pain at this point, some of these relationship I speak of were from 20 years past even.
Some just a few years back.
It is the lessons, the patterns that I see and want to share with you today.
 
All four men chose to say good bye.
All four shared this pattern in that good bye,
the pattern of not speaking their integrity.
 
They chose to hide from me,
from thier hearts truth.
They chose to lie to my face day in and day out,
even when I inquired directly about what I was feeling from them.
They chose to run and hide instead of face me and say goodbye with clarity and heart.
They chose to abandon.
And this lack of integrity,
caused unfinished business between us,
and shame for them.
They supported my programs of:
 
” I am not good enough.”
“I am unlovable.”
” I am disposable like trash.”
“I am not worthy of true love or even truth.”
“I am not worthy to have someone fight for me.”
“I cannot trust men.”
“I am not safe.”
 
What I see often in my couples work with clients are all these programed statements and beliefs in women and the men not underestanding why she feels this way or what he has done to cause it.
 
I tell you sweet men of the world,
it is your lack of integrity.
 
When you do not stand in your truth to your core,
when you waiver,
when you hide like a little boy behind your mother’s skirts,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you tell us that all is well, when it is not,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you take without care,
demand that she gives you her sex, her heart, her smile even though she is not a yes,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you do not stand in her fire but instead try to coddle and fix,
father, shame, guilt, or teach,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you shut down your heart to hide from us,
when you close off and retract your love through ignoring,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
When you promise what you have no right to promise,
making firm statments of forever,
preaching your unconditional, undying devotion without the understanding of what you are actually saying,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
And most of all…
when that moment comes,
if it does,
when you know that she is not the one,
you choose to say goodbye as a coward,
without an eye to eye meeting of the hearts,
when you ghost,
go distant and even turn it into her fault because you are not man enough to stand in your truth,
 
Yes my sweet men of the world….
HERE, here you create these fears of the feminine.
 
The advice I have for you,
is simple.
 
Realize that abandonment does not happen at the moment that you choose to walk away,
your abandonment happened long before,
it was in the very first stages of your lack of integrity.
When you chose to not speak it and be it,
you abndoned not just her,
you banadoned yourself as well.
And this is why she cannot trust.
This is why she cannot surrender.
This is why you will find yourself repeating the same issues with a different women in your life.
 
If you want to have your woman fully,
learn to stand true in who you are.
Even if you do not have an answer for her in a moment,
or unable to fix what has gone astray,
if you feel lost in your emotions,
speak just that sweet man.
 
“My integrity in this moment, is that I don’t know.”
 
Whatever your truth may be,
she will respect and love you for it,
if she knows that she can trust you.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on learning how to create an authentic relationship based in love, integrity and desire.
*Photoe credit to www.photographyinwonderland.com

Valentines Day, Affairs, Truth Shares and What Sex Really Means To You.

I have sex probably 25 to 40 times a month.

How about you?

Sounds like a lot?

Not enough?

 

What is your opinion.

Not that your opinion matters to my sex life,

but it may matter to your sex life.

And here is what you need to be considering on this Valentine’s day….

 

💃Why do I have sex?

💃Why do I say no to sex?

💃What is it that I am hoping to achieve from sex?

💃How does sex serve me in life?

 

 

Sex causes us humans a bunch of problems in relationship.

And the main reason for the issues that it stirs is that we are focused on the scarcity of the sex in our lives.

 

Most relationships today have at least one partner if not both wanting for more of something…

More sex.

More intimacy.

More connection.

More touch.

More emotion.

More time together without distraction.

 

And this desire for something and the concentration we put on the evidence that we do not have it is what causes us to keep not having it.

 

Not having as much or the kind that we are wanting for with any of the above.

 

This feeling of lack then leads us to searching for it elsewhere.

Now this does not always mean an affair in the sort of sexual or even emotional with another human being….

 

Now sometimes we fill the void that has emerged (and we keep there with our certainty of it being there) with such things as work, exercise, hobbies, worry,  booze, illegal and legal substances, etc.

 

Yeah you can “cheat” on your partner with any of these things.

We just don’t always view it as cheating because it is not sex and it is not another human that is taking our primary focus away from our intimate relationship or partner,

but in truth it’s possibly worse to “cheat” with one of these things then an actual human being.

 

I mean at least with another human you gain the possibility of filling up that void to some degree, where these items will only mask the real issues and keep you empty from the nutrient that you are searching for.

 

(Now, I am not saying go cheat on your partner in any fashion… I am just bringing some things to light and why people cheat to begin with.)

 

You may be wondering why I am choosing to discuss affairs on Valentines Day….

 

Well, today happens to be one of the BIGGEST days of the year that couple’s lie to each other.

 

Over fifty percent of couple’s have at least one partner stepping out of the relationship in secret to get their intimate needs met.

 

Over fifty percent of marriages are sexless.

Over 70% of women have said that they have had on multiple accounts sex they did not want with their partner, and many of them count this act as a sort of rape.

Sexual disease is on the rise…. with monogamous couples 🤔

Yeah… I just said that… do the math….

Studies have been done in recent times showing that over 20% of children in monogamous relationships are not the fathers.

 

And the statistics list just keeps going on.

 

So we lie to our partners about our intimate needs and desires.

We coddle them so as to not hurt their feelings, taking responsibility and stealing their power from them by making these choices to not speak our needs and truths to the very people we claim to be best friends with.

To claim that we want to live our lives with,

that we fully trust…

well fully as long as that mean’s that we don’t have to be vulnerable about sex to them.

That is pushing the envelope a tad bit too much.

So we refrain and lie.

 

Sex causes us humans a bunch of issues.

We are scared of our sex.

We are ashamed of it.

We even hate on it and don’t trust ourselves or our partners with it.

 

But we sure want more of it and are focused on not having enough of it, are we not?

 

It is beacuse sex equals:

👉 Makes us feel worthy – it affirms that we are worthy of someone else’s attention and feeling good.

👉Makes us feel lovable – it is evidence that our partner loves us.

👉Makes us feel desired – if our partner gives us sex then that means they want us.

👉Makes us feel happy – if we have an orgasm/climax then chemicals are released that help us to feel less stress and happy

 

I have heard many a man say, “Sex makes me feel powerful and that I am a man!”

 

I have heard a lot of women say, “Sex makes me feel used and that it is my duty.”

 

 

P-R-O-B-L-E-M!

 

Do you see it?

 

I hope so.

And here is where sex causes us relationship issues at an even deeper level.

Here is where bitterness, resentment and anger,

as well as traum get stored up.

 

And where other problems ( such as the one’s at the beginning of this musing) get their roots for.

 

A sexless marriage did not start that way.

It became that way for this reason here above.

 

Partners are using each other to make themselves feel something that they have not emotionally mature enough to find withinside themselves,

and so they search outside of themselves and when it is given and then taken away,

it creates a sexual codependency.

And their very “worthiness” is rooted in their partners willingness to have sex with them. 

In reverse, many partners fear stating their truth from early on because of the highly normal fear of abandonment or need of their mate in some fashion for survival.

 

So, at the end of the day when the truth is not spoken but is heard in the core of each, you find one if not both partners smiling, telling a lie and finding their fulfillment outside of their relationship.

 

Is there hope?

Is the answer having more sex or no sex with you rmate?

 

Yes there is hope.

If both partners are dedicated to the relationship and want healing for self first and relationship second,

then they can work toward a solution and happy intimacy path.

 

Is more or no sex the answer?

Forced sex on either spectrum is never going to be healing or supportive of the relationship.Getting in your truth and working together in compassion and love is the path to wher eyou want to get.

Changing your focus from scarcity and fear to love and appreciation can move mountains.

 

Want to learn more about stratigies to overcome affairs, build authentic communication and reelating and heal your sex life?

Reach out to me today to learn about coaching opportunities that can support you in love, sex and life.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

*photography credit to Photography In Wonderland