Let’s Get Real About What Define The Relationship Really Means.

 

“I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Maybe I have commitment issues some would say,

and I have been told this from past lovers.

They were convinced that because I refused to be labeled,

because I refused to DTR ( define the relationship) that I was not good with commitment.

 

They could not just accept my looks of love and desire for what they were.

They could not accept the sweet and tender vulnerable moments shared for what they were,

They could not just go with the passion shared and the hours and days or even weeks spent enthralled with each other.

 

No, they wanted the MF LABEL.

And for some reason, the label is what made everything real.

Not the actual effing relationship that was presenting itself each day, each moment.

No, they could not trust that.

They needed the words spoken,

just how they wanted to hear them too mind you,

for it to actually be real.

 

Nothing mattered but the label.

 

And because I am a person who understands what labels are actually about,

I have a really tough time getting down with defining any relationship for that matter.

 

And here is why.

 

You see labels and definitions of relationships have NOTHING to do with love or commitment for that matter.

 

They don’t have anything to do with trust either,

and they are not offering any more security for either party as well.

 

What they do is allow us to compartmentalize the relationship, cause separation because now we segregate this relationship from the rest of our lives.

 

Labels allow us to define what the relationship “should” look and feel like. How it “should” play out and what the expectations are within the pretty little box that we have put it into allows for.

 

Labels are often asked for because one party or both are wanting validation for their existence and level of importance in the relationship.

 

This validation gives a false sense of security.

Which makes the partners feel safe and believe that NOW since the relationship has been properly defined that neither party will step out of the box that it has been filed in.

 

And that is what DTR is all about folks.

Validation of self through another, false security and control.

 

Because with this DTR what we are wanting is the safety ultimately of knowing ( well believing) that our partner is now “OUR PROPERTY” as defined by the label provided.

And of course they are down with abiding by the rules of this definition.

 

Funny little note, most people just assume that other people’s definitions and rules of the label are exactly what their own are and never stop to discuss these important things with the person that they are trying to do a relationship with and get a label on.

 

In my opinion,

(and maybe…. just maybe… I have worked with just a few couples over the last few decades) that one of the major reasons so many couples are not satisfied or in full alignment with their partner is because they miss this vitally important conversation on the front side.

 

The conversation around, “Why do you do relationships? And what are your needs/desires/expectations within a relationship?”

 

Can you imagine if we started having these inquiries between ourselves and our lovers?

 

And what if….

what if our lovers answered authentically.

 

OMFG! That would be amazing.

But often because so many have limited worth and self- esteem issues,

they find themselves needing to feel safe through the validation of their partner instead and therefore answer accordingly to get the result that they want from their partner instead of being truthful and having a truly intimate conversation around their differences.

 

All relationships at some point come to a place where the definition sorta just manifests organically.

But it is an energy that a couple will grow into as time and depth in the relationship is established,

not some words stated because partners feel pressure from what they have been told is important to ask for come date three or month six, or whatever the f-ck timeline you are working on.

 

If you are among the many people out there that feels that need the label to lean and trust more,

or to not have your jealousy anymore,

or to be able to be more vulnerable or intimate with your partner,

and believes that the label is a sign of love,

then you truly need to explore what your definition of love really is about.

 

And ask yourself if this label is truly what you are wanting or if you are actually requesting to set up agreements with your partner as to what your relationship rules are and are not.

 

Then ask yourself how this desire to label and set up these tidy little box homes for your relationship to get cramped in is actually serving the relationship or your supposed love for this other person?

 

What if you became extremely present with your partner and chose to focus on all their good traits each time you were together?

 

What if instead of fearing them doing something that might destroy the relationship, you chose to commit to look for how well they are showing up in it right now and how much beauty you are enjoying with them right now?

 

What if you opted to actually practice authentic unconditional love with them and just wanted to enjoy them in all their radiance because your desire for them was to be that person who can hold loving space without a need to contain their soul and own them?

 

What if you chose to just allow them to be them and you to be you?

 

What if you choose consciously to come into the relationship each new day as though it was a new relationship that you were excited and appreciative of?

 

What if you started to define your relationship by saying,

” I like you pretty good, let’s see where this goes.”

 

Can you imagine how much more depth, love, compassion, witnessing, love, trust, and joy would come through your partner and the relationship?

 

Or continue on your path,

you know the one.

The one that has you believing that controlling your partner and defining your relationship and owning them as property in any f-cking fashion is LOVE.

 

And enjoy all the trauma that creates and the broken expectations and pain.

 

Because that is the result when we attempt to control the human spirit and not allow others to live authentically.

 

Not to mention,

When we do this it is only supporting our fear and at our core we feel the out of alignment that is caused with God and our soul.

 

Level Up Your Love Now.

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

Want to level up your relationship or learn more on authentic relating skills that can rekindle, ignite and bring average relationships into Enlightened?

 

Reach out to me about my Passion Coaching for Couples Program today.

“I love You. Just As You Are.”

 

Bob Marley once said:

“You may not be her first,

her last, or her only.

 

She loved before she may love again.

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

 

She’s not perfect—you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto her and give her the most you can.

 

She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break—her heart.

 

So don’t hurt her,

don’t change her,

don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give.

 

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

 

And he was a wise man in his lyrics.

The Jamaican artist who grew up on the concept of One Love,

and to love without fear,

without reservation,

and condition,

spoke the truth in his words about loving a woman,

but his words ring true in general.

 

His words on love are words that we could all gain wisdom from when looking at relationships in general.

 

Can you imagine a world where we spoke our truth.

Where we told our feelings without expectation,

where we related because that is what humans do…

 

Can you imagine a world where love was not based on what you can do for me,

or I for you,

but on the actual feeling of love.

 

Can you imagine a world where love was not captivated and crucified at every upset in the day,

a world where loving each other was normal and not judged or shamed,

can you imagine a world where we each had respect for self,

compassion for self,

love for self,

and thus could freely offer the same to another.

 

Can you imagine a world where saying “I love you” did not bear with it the weight of marriage, commitment of a lifetime, legal documents or looks of concern.

 

Can you imagine being loved just for being you?

 

This is the love that Marley was speaking of.

This is the message that we all need to hear,

 

and this morning as I sit here and am blessed with the words,

 

“I love you.”

 

I feel called to share the importance that they actually hold.

 

I love you is a statement of acceptance.

A statement of respect and care,

 

I love you means that I do not want to control you,

that I appreciate you JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

I love you means that I am not expecting anything in return,

there are no conditions,

there are no rules or obligations,

 

I love you means that I SEE YOU.

 

JUST AS YOU ARE.

 

And when these words are uttered,

they should not hold the reins on our heart,

they should not be spoken in shame or in fear,

but instead be words that frees our soul.

 

I love you means that I love me too.

Because I could not feel this feeling,

pure and authentically,

if you were not mirroring the love that I feel for self.

 

That is what it is a message of.

When we feel deep love for another,

without control or possession of any sort,

without jealousy or fear of losing,

without expectation,

 

we are feeling true love.

 

And true love can only emerge when we feel the same for self.

Others that we feel this radiance for,

ignite the truth of our souls,

allow us to embrace our bigness,

our beauty, and truth.

 

When love is authentic and not based in need,

It is a sign of who we really are.

 

And at our cores,

WE ARE LOVE.

 

We taste it juiciness.

We bathe in its sweetness,

We dance freely in its light,

and we expand within its breath.

 

Without love life is empty.

And with false love,

control masked as such,

we hunger to hold on,

we fear its loss,

we hand over our power to whomever we deem our point of focus,

and lose who we are.

 

To love someone…

 

You may not be the first person to love them,

or the last,

not even the only one.

 

They have loved before,

they will love again,

But if they are loving you now,

What else matters?

 

They are not perfect – you aren’t either,

and the two of you may never have the perfect relationship together, no matter its label,

but if they make you smile and laugh,

cause you to think twice,

and admit to being human and making mistakes,

hold onto that love and give it the most you have.

 

They may not be thinking of you every moment of the day,

but that love will open you to your life,

that love will offer you something special,

something that you must respect, — your truth.

 

So don’t judge and shame your love,

don’t try and change it,

don’t analyze and

don’t expect more than what is shown.

 

Smile when you are happy,

let your feelings be known, even when mad,

let your words and actions be authentic.

 

Love with your whole being when you receive love,

Know that it is available at any moment,

it is your truth,

there is no such thing as perfect,

but there will always be love,

and it is all that matters.

 

How are you penetrating your life,

this world with your love?

 

 

Stop Existing & Start Living

 

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

 

 

 

You were born worthy of so much more than what you are allowing right now.

 

It is time that you say YES to you.

 

Join me in a 4 week 1:1 mastermind intensive to learn the 7 keys to creating the life of your dreams no matter the chaos of the world.

 

 

Message me for deet’s now before the special ends on May 3rd, 2020.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.

How Prince Charming Looses His Charm.
 
Alright gents,
here is a little musing that you need to read if you have a lady love or you ever want to be in a relationship with a woman and keep it sizzeling.
 
Relationships on the front side can be so playful, adventurous, passionate, hot, caring, supportive and can make you feel like the other person “just get’s you.”
 
This is how we start.
In the beginning we are focused on discovery of each other,
we are focused on courting and sharing.
We are facinated by this person that has walked into our lives and we find ourselves being deeply vulnerable and open with them.
 
It’s beautiful.
And we feel like this is love.
 
In fact it is NRE – new relationship energy.
After a period of time however, this NRE starts to dwindle.
It dies down and we start to meet the real person,
which can be nice but it can also shed some light on all that we had not noticed and that we don’t align too as well.
 
On top of that, with the NRE dwindling down so does the sexual chemistry.
 
What was once a hot turned on relationship with ton’s of playful sex and intimacy,
can quickly turn the corner to boring and dull,
effortless friction based sexing.
 
Then unfortunatley,
both parties allow for this to happen,
making excuses along the way for why it is,
 
“Work has been exhuasting.”
“I am just tired all the time.”
“Kids and family.”
“We just can’t find the time to squeeze out anymore.”
 
And with the excuses years pass.
 
As time goes on,
and connective turned on sex becomes less and less of a thing, the bonding chemicals between the couple become depleted. If one partner is still getting orgasm while the other is not (typically this shows up as the man having an orgasm and the woman going months or even years without) then bittnerness and frustration start to form.
 
 
If we look at the typical relationship out there,
what ends up happening is that the sex becomes what is referred to as ABC Sex – Anniversary, Birthday and Christmas. And for some “lucky gents” they get it once or twice a month. Believing that this is just how relationship is to be, that this is couplehood, its normal, its natural.
 
And that the relationship is still doing good.
 
But what they may not understand is the subtle change in personality in their female partner.
 
The once bubbly, playful, connective, confident woman who could light up a room is now sour to life, irritable, moody, depressed, tired, sick and insecure.
 
Again excuses get made.
 
“Its money worries.”
“Its exhaustion over the kids.”
“Its her age.”
“Its this disease that she has.”
“Its her work stress.”
 
And with this sublte personality change your lady love goes from looking at you as her prince charming to viewing you as her keeper, her controller, her boss, her child, an irritation in her life.
 
She is quick to attack,
she is easy to offend,
she is critical and judgemental.
She is tired and frustrated.
She does not want to be touched.
She does not want to play and gets irritated at your play.
She no longer see’s the humor in things.
She burries herself in her work or in the home or a TV show or book.
 
And when she is sexing with you…
she either fakes it or goes limp without much response.
 
But you are happy and you are grateful.
You got yours my sweet prince.
The sex was amazing,
maybe not the best you have had,
but some sort of sex is better then no sex,
and she is such a doll for taking care of you.
 
But with each giving of herself,
she empties her very soul,
she dims her light,
to keep the peace.
As she awaits for her knight to awaken and see that she needs saving.
 
And with each thrust that you provide,
you fall futher and further off your horse.
Your charm is no longer seen,
for the pain of her emptiness is all she can feel.
 
So if you desire to not loose your charm with your lady love,
then take heed to this musing,
and realize that the true knight in shining armor will conconquer the nights of empty sexing by applying his focus to making sure that she cums first and cums a few times,
by not accepting her willingness to just give herself up for your pleasure alone, will not support the trauma of her emotions or body with a lack of depth in presence or orgasm.
 
A true prince charming understands that in order for him to succeed at winning and keeping his ladies heart that he MUST educate himself on the ways of the feminine.
And not deny them or ignore.
 
So if you claim to love your woman,
then take on the mission of filling her up with orgasm.
Deep.
Connective.
Multiple.
Rich.
Orgasm.
 
Will you take on the mission of your woman’s pleasure and joy?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to explore more in depth ways to tap into healing your relationship, accessing a truly beautiful turned on bedroom life and deepen your intimacy? Message me for deets on my couples and indiviual coaching available globally.

A Letter To My Mr. Forever.

A Letter To My Mr. Forever:
 
I already know who you are,
you have come to me in a dream long ago.
I have sampled our life together,
through relationships of the past.
 
I have felt your soft touch upon my skin,
the tickle of your finger tips as they profess their love,
I have felt your breath against my flesh,
breathing in the moments together.
 
I have felt your force,
your strength and determination,
your passion and hunger.
As you devour me with life itself.
 
I have watched you my love,
your heart expanding,
your kindness, compassion and fiercness.
I have laughed and danced with you.
Loving each twirl that you lead.
 
I have embraced the moments of powerful emotion,
sitting in your lap,
our hearts beating as one,
eye’s gazing into forever,
tears steaming from our blended joy.
 
I have felt you penetrate me,
holding me deep commanding my surrender to your presence.
I have witnessed the magic,
and felt it move through my veins in our loving of our flesh,
the loving that trandscends,
both time and space.
 
I have heard you sing to me,
eternal love songs,
smiling with your ocean eye’s,
and letting me know that I am your queen.
 
I have shuddered from your touch,
and pushed myself past boundaries I never knew existed.
I have explored raptures that only few will ever know.
 
I have witnessed the depth of your soul,
and felt the elation of my own,
united with yours.
Becoming one.
 
I have been blessed to feel the presence of heaven and of God,
in our union.
The scent of fresh roses wafting about the room,
as if manifest from thin air.
I have felt the magnitude of your love.
 
I see the man that you are,
and because I see you so clearly,
and feel you so deep,
I know the woman that you demand me to become.
 
And I am not yet your woman,
I am not yet the one for you.
I hold you close and yet at arms length,
because I know.
I know who I must become,
not for you my love,
but for myself.
 
You demand of me to become ALL of me.
You call me from the future,
reminding me of the woman that I truly am.
You lead me now,
in the moments that my heart awakens,
that my body explores,
you guide me with your patience,
and smile from afar.
 
I see you watching me.
Yours eye’s following my moves.
I see your pleasure in your witnessing of my birth,
waiting.
Waiting for me to relaize.
 
And this my love,
shows the man that you are.
 
You will never cave or be something that you are not.
You will never step out of your superiour masculine energy to beg me, or taunt me, or lead me to believe it is our time yet,
when it is not.
You get the value of trust and what it takes to have it truly with another.
You are not fearful of your desires,
you embrace them as you will one day embrace me.
You penetrate this world with purpose, passion, play and confidence,
and you wait to take my heart, body and soul in the same measure.
 
I can feel you here and now.
Your presence grows closer by the day,
and I foretaste of your love in my current.
I am in gratitude for the man that awaits me,
the man that holds me,
the man that guides from time and space.
 
I am coming.
 
———————————————————————————–
 
This musing goes out to all the ladies in waiting,
whether you be single or coupled in current,
if you are lacking or looking,
if you cannot find “the one” and wonder,
where is that man of my dreams?
If you are with a love, but it s not true,
you feel lost still to your core,
and you have tasted of the love that you desire,
this musing is for you.
 
Love my beautiful,
is for the expanding not the shutting down.
Love is for the healing and the recognizing,
not the wounding and the masking,
Love elevates not deflates.
Love holds your truth,
and smiles as you discover it.
 
Love does not fear loosing,
because it knows it has everything you need.
Love watches your dance,
embraces your play and your fear,
Love knows who you are,
and guides you just to that.
 
Love does not control.
Love does not run.
Love does not waiver.
 
And this my beautiful,
is who is calling you from the future.
This is your Mr. Forever.
 
But first my dear,
you must recognize,
the Queen that YOU ARE.
 
To unit with this sort of love,
the demand is for you to receive YOURSELF,
in all your emotion,
all your joy,
all your fear,
all your beauty,
seen and unseen.
You MUST be ready my beautiful,
to become the match for this man.
 
Go.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Ladies in the house want to call in your Mr. Forever, reach out to me for guidance today to become the the woman that matches the man of forever.

Why Women Don’t Trust Men.

Tears that cannot be seen are still tears felt.
 
Often I meet people in some of the most difficult spaces of their lives.
They come to me in thier wounding,
in their fear,
in their bitterness and revenge.
Trauma masks them from their truth.
They are lost.
And with thier lostness they have comfort.
 
It is this way for anyone who has experienced pain.
And the pain much of the time is rooted in our thoughts of ego,
which continues to trap us in a nasty loop of past fears, thoughts, feelings and expereinces.
Due to this loop we feel comfort, but we never feel fulfilled or happy as well.
 
Abandonment is one of the the major culprits to this pain.
To these tears that are unseen.
 
Abandonment happens when we least expect it too, does it not?
 
Last night I was having a discussion with a close friend about this very topic. We sat over a bottle of guava rum and had some deep dives into vulnerable shares around relationships and how we could each see a pattern in our past relationships with men. The men that touched us in such a power way, the one’s who openned our hearts, expanded our thinking and taught us incredible lessons about our lives and who we are as women.
 
I sat there and shared about the four past relationships that I find most significant and that I can say that three of them I was deeply and still am today even (if I am real with you and I in this moment) in love with. These men awakened the woman that I am today. And I am ever grateful for them blessing my life as they had.
 
All four of these relationships, professed their undying love for me.
They all asked me to marry.
They all went deep into my heart and soul and penetrated me like no other. Each built on the one before,
taking me into new relams of love.
Oh the stories I could share, and have in other musings.
These four men,
they changed my world forever and taught me to love.
 
They also crushed me in ways that I am sure none of them ever intended of.
Their words of, ” I will fight for you.” – ” I love you unconditionally and want nothing more than your happiness.” – “I can see forever with you.” – “I would NEVER do anything to hurt you.” – You are my world.”
 
Yes, these words as if from a storybook romance,
so lovely, so enticing.
So real for the moment they were spoken,
were the words that also crushed me after a period of time.
 
These words became poison and what they all loved – me,
they tried to kill in their own way by severing through retraction, removal, disposal and even physically action down the road of our relationship.
 
Now, here is the thing I want you to get from this musing:
Was there pain? yes.
Is there still pain? In moments, yes.
But I am more in gratitude than pain at this point, some of these relationship I speak of were from 20 years past even.
Some just a few years back.
It is the lessons, the patterns that I see and want to share with you today.
 
All four men chose to say good bye.
All four shared this pattern in that good bye,
the pattern of not speaking their integrity.
 
They chose to hide from me,
from thier hearts truth.
They chose to lie to my face day in and day out,
even when I inquired directly about what I was feeling from them.
They chose to run and hide instead of face me and say goodbye with clarity and heart.
They chose to abandon.
And this lack of integrity,
caused unfinished business between us,
and shame for them.
They supported my programs of:
 
” I am not good enough.”
“I am unlovable.”
” I am disposable like trash.”
“I am not worthy of true love or even truth.”
“I am not worthy to have someone fight for me.”
“I cannot trust men.”
“I am not safe.”
 
What I see often in my couples work with clients are all these programed statements and beliefs in women and the men not underestanding why she feels this way or what he has done to cause it.
 
I tell you sweet men of the world,
it is your lack of integrity.
 
When you do not stand in your truth to your core,
when you waiver,
when you hide like a little boy behind your mother’s skirts,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you tell us that all is well, when it is not,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you take without care,
demand that she gives you her sex, her heart, her smile even though she is not a yes,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you do not stand in her fire but instead try to coddle and fix,
father, shame, guilt, or teach,
you support these fears of the feminine.
When you shut down your heart to hide from us,
when you close off and retract your love through ignoring,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
When you promise what you have no right to promise,
making firm statments of forever,
preaching your unconditional, undying devotion without the understanding of what you are actually saying,
you support these fears of the feminine.
 
And most of all…
when that moment comes,
if it does,
when you know that she is not the one,
you choose to say goodbye as a coward,
without an eye to eye meeting of the hearts,
when you ghost,
go distant and even turn it into her fault because you are not man enough to stand in your truth,
 
Yes my sweet men of the world….
HERE, here you create these fears of the feminine.
 
The advice I have for you,
is simple.
 
Realize that abandonment does not happen at the moment that you choose to walk away,
your abandonment happened long before,
it was in the very first stages of your lack of integrity.
When you chose to not speak it and be it,
you abndoned not just her,
you banadoned yourself as well.
And this is why she cannot trust.
This is why she cannot surrender.
This is why you will find yourself repeating the same issues with a different women in your life.
 
If you want to have your woman fully,
learn to stand true in who you are.
Even if you do not have an answer for her in a moment,
or unable to fix what has gone astray,
if you feel lost in your emotions,
speak just that sweet man.
 
“My integrity in this moment, is that I don’t know.”
 
Whatever your truth may be,
she will respect and love you for it,
if she knows that she can trust you.
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Message me for deet’s on learning how to create an authentic relationship based in love, integrity and desire.
*Photoe credit to www.photographyinwonderland.com

Valentines Day, Affairs, Truth Shares and What Sex Really Means To You.

I have sex probably 25 to 40 times a month.

How about you?

Sounds like a lot?

Not enough?

 

What is your opinion.

Not that your opinion matters to my sex life,

but it may matter to your sex life.

And here is what you need to be considering on this Valentine’s day….

 

💃Why do I have sex?

💃Why do I say no to sex?

💃What is it that I am hoping to achieve from sex?

💃How does sex serve me in life?

 

 

Sex causes us humans a bunch of problems in relationship.

And the main reason for the issues that it stirs is that we are focused on the scarcity of the sex in our lives.

 

Most relationships today have at least one partner if not both wanting for more of something…

More sex.

More intimacy.

More connection.

More touch.

More emotion.

More time together without distraction.

 

And this desire for something and the concentration we put on the evidence that we do not have it is what causes us to keep not having it.

 

Not having as much or the kind that we are wanting for with any of the above.

 

This feeling of lack then leads us to searching for it elsewhere.

Now this does not always mean an affair in the sort of sexual or even emotional with another human being….

 

Now sometimes we fill the void that has emerged (and we keep there with our certainty of it being there) with such things as work, exercise, hobbies, worry,  booze, illegal and legal substances, etc.

 

Yeah you can “cheat” on your partner with any of these things.

We just don’t always view it as cheating because it is not sex and it is not another human that is taking our primary focus away from our intimate relationship or partner,

but in truth it’s possibly worse to “cheat” with one of these things then an actual human being.

 

I mean at least with another human you gain the possibility of filling up that void to some degree, where these items will only mask the real issues and keep you empty from the nutrient that you are searching for.

 

(Now, I am not saying go cheat on your partner in any fashion… I am just bringing some things to light and why people cheat to begin with.)

 

You may be wondering why I am choosing to discuss affairs on Valentines Day….

 

Well, today happens to be one of the BIGGEST days of the year that couple’s lie to each other.

 

Over fifty percent of couple’s have at least one partner stepping out of the relationship in secret to get their intimate needs met.

 

Over fifty percent of marriages are sexless.

Over 70% of women have said that they have had on multiple accounts sex they did not want with their partner, and many of them count this act as a sort of rape.

Sexual disease is on the rise…. with monogamous couples 🤔

Yeah… I just said that… do the math….

Studies have been done in recent times showing that over 20% of children in monogamous relationships are not the fathers.

 

And the statistics list just keeps going on.

 

So we lie to our partners about our intimate needs and desires.

We coddle them so as to not hurt their feelings, taking responsibility and stealing their power from them by making these choices to not speak our needs and truths to the very people we claim to be best friends with.

To claim that we want to live our lives with,

that we fully trust…

well fully as long as that mean’s that we don’t have to be vulnerable about sex to them.

That is pushing the envelope a tad bit too much.

So we refrain and lie.

 

Sex causes us humans a bunch of issues.

We are scared of our sex.

We are ashamed of it.

We even hate on it and don’t trust ourselves or our partners with it.

 

But we sure want more of it and are focused on not having enough of it, are we not?

 

It is beacuse sex equals:

👉 Makes us feel worthy – it affirms that we are worthy of someone else’s attention and feeling good.

👉Makes us feel lovable – it is evidence that our partner loves us.

👉Makes us feel desired – if our partner gives us sex then that means they want us.

👉Makes us feel happy – if we have an orgasm/climax then chemicals are released that help us to feel less stress and happy

 

I have heard many a man say, “Sex makes me feel powerful and that I am a man!”

 

I have heard a lot of women say, “Sex makes me feel used and that it is my duty.”

 

 

P-R-O-B-L-E-M!

 

Do you see it?

 

I hope so.

And here is where sex causes us relationship issues at an even deeper level.

Here is where bitterness, resentment and anger,

as well as traum get stored up.

 

And where other problems ( such as the one’s at the beginning of this musing) get their roots for.

 

A sexless marriage did not start that way.

It became that way for this reason here above.

 

Partners are using each other to make themselves feel something that they have not emotionally mature enough to find withinside themselves,

and so they search outside of themselves and when it is given and then taken away,

it creates a sexual codependency.

And their very “worthiness” is rooted in their partners willingness to have sex with them. 

In reverse, many partners fear stating their truth from early on because of the highly normal fear of abandonment or need of their mate in some fashion for survival.

 

So, at the end of the day when the truth is not spoken but is heard in the core of each, you find one if not both partners smiling, telling a lie and finding their fulfillment outside of their relationship.

 

Is there hope?

Is the answer having more sex or no sex with you rmate?

 

Yes there is hope.

If both partners are dedicated to the relationship and want healing for self first and relationship second,

then they can work toward a solution and happy intimacy path.

 

Is more or no sex the answer?

Forced sex on either spectrum is never going to be healing or supportive of the relationship.Getting in your truth and working together in compassion and love is the path to wher eyou want to get.

Changing your focus from scarcity and fear to love and appreciation can move mountains.

 

Want to learn more about stratigies to overcome affairs, build authentic communication and reelating and heal your sex life?

Reach out to me today to learn about coaching opportunities that can support you in love, sex and life.

 

As Always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

*photography credit to Photography In Wonderland

I Destroyed My Relationship by Being Selfless.

I looked at him and said,
” I am super selfish!”
 
Following it up with,
“If you were around me more, you would see how rude I can be. How abrupt, focused and determined to do what I feel is best for self. And you most likely would not like it much and may not like me as much as well.”
 
He shook his head in disagreement,
he chuckled and said, ” I know how rude you can be, and how stubborn you are. I have witnessed it.”
 
True, anyone who has been around me for any amount of time has witnessed my stubborness, has tasted my rudness and abruptness. And they may even think that I was just being clueless or unpresent in some of the “selfish acts” that they have expereinced with me.
 
In truth,
I was far from clueless of what I was doing.
I was making a statement of action with the clarity and love for self that was needed.
 
I was deliberatly putting my feelings first.
I was deliberatly stating my truth,
even at the cost of potentially not giving someone else what they wanted.
 
And this most certainly may not always feel good to the one who is being denied.
 
But in truth,
the selfish act of stating your authentic yes or no is one of the most loving things we can offer ourselves and another. We are caring far more for the relationship and for the outcome (long term) then to just bow down and “give” what the other wants when it is out of alignment with who we are.
 
Let me tell you an intimate tale….
 
Many years ago I was married. I was with a man who claimed he loved me and in his own way did and still does and I him. However, in our relationship we were both unhappy, empty and lost and we did not understand this or what was causing it.
Our sex was average at best.
He wanted it.
I did not.
But I gave it to him a few times a month to “keep him happy” as we were married and that is what a “good wife” is to do.
 
So the sex was based on my duty to care for my man’s physical needs and make him feel good,
make him feel like I desired him,
desired the sex,
that he was being the man.
So I faked it.
I gasped and moaned,
I drank a few glasses of wine to loosen up and “get in the mood.”
 
And I hated him and me for it.
Every time I said yes to please him and I was actually a no,
I was raping myself.
I was detroying our relationship,
and the love that we had for each other.
In my efforts to be selfless and do what I thought was best and good for us and for him,
I tore myself apart.
And the more I died inside,
the more depressed, exhausted and empty I felt.
And the more anxious, stressed, and angry I became.
 
So I drank more wine.
Masking my feelings,
masking my needs and trying ever harder to get in the mood.
What mood was I getting into in truth.
The mood of victim.
The mood of selfless.
The mood of “I know, let’s rape ourselves! Let’s tell a lie about our truth. And say YES when we mean NO.”
 
Over and over again for years this plauged our relationship and my whole being.
 
I would say yes to whatever he wanted.
Blow jobs, sure even though I hated his scent and taste and cried through them.
Anal sex, sure… even though it felt like I was being torn apart in the act and hurt for a week to follow, even bleeding from my ass and fearful of the damage.
I remember him telling me that when I wrapped my legs around him that it made it virtually impossible for him to hold back his climax because it was such a feeling of me pulling him in and wanting him,
funny, this was the last thing I was wanting or feeling.
But I leaned on this information to get him off quicker so that my pain would be over sooner.
 
I was such a good wife.
Taking care of his physical needs like that.
Taking responsibility of his emotions and boosting his ego like that.
Yes, he would have been destroyed if I had spoken my truth of not wanting it.
 
He would have been destroyed to know that I had not had an orgasm for years.
 
And that would be down right selfish of me and wrong,
hurtful even to tell my truth like this.
 
Right?
 
Well, like I said…
A long time ago I “WAS” (past tense) married.
 
I destroyed our marriage with my selflessness.
As do so many people.
 
To be selfish is to love the self enough to speak our truth.
To be selfish is to be in alignment with the self,
and to know that when we are in alignment to our core,
we are also in alignment to what is ultimatly needed for all involved.
 
Selflessness makes us a marter.
It destroys who we are because we loose ourselves.
We end up starving ourselves and have nothing to offer this world.
 
Now, I can hear some out ther stating,
“Yeah thats great Kendal, but what do you do if your truth and another person’s truth are opposite?”
 
This is where you have to sit down and have some truth talks.
You have to lean into these difficult conversations and realize that sometimes we are at an impass. Sometimes, we have to ask ourselves the difficult questions of,
 
👉“Is this thing I am calling my truth TRUE?”
 
👉“Is there some other way that I can get my needs met?”
 
👉“Can we agree to disagree and still be friends/lovers/etc?”
 
👉“How important is it to me to get this other person to do what I want? And what do I feel I will benefit from it or that we will benefit from it?”
 
Realize this…
At the end of the day,
you WILL do one of three things…
 
1. Get your way at the cost of anothers well-being and happiness, or
2.Let someone else have their way with you and you in turn hold bitterness, resentment, trauma and hatred toward them and yourself.
3. Get your truth spoken and hear anothers truth, unconditionally without expectation.
 
One of these three is love based.
The other two are ego, control, fear and conditional based.
 
What do you choose?
 
As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Looking for how you can create or manifest an authentic relationship based on unconditional love instead of need and fear? Reach out to me for 1:1 and group coaching and workshops today. I work with people all over the world.

So You Think You Can Poly? Why so many monogamous couple’s are turning toward open relationship.

So you think you can poly?
You think you can do open relationship?

Right now I have a bunch of couples coming to me with the desire to open their relationship up.
I have a bunch of singles who desire to get into an open relationship as well.
What’s up with all the openness?

I will tell you what’s up with all the openness…
Open relationships are effing amazing!
They are built on an unconditional love and acceptance that most monogamous relationships could only ever dream of.
Open relationships when done right,
are all about each partner giving themselves and each other the permission and support to explore who they really are and to get their needs and desires met how they feel fit without the fear of loosing their primary partner.
Open relationships encourage each partner to truly work on themselves and move through their limiting belief structures,
through their fear based needs and ideas around jealousy and control equalling love.

Open relationships are hardly ever about the sex.
Although sex is a big part of the relationship guidlines and agreements,
sex is never what it is ultimatly about.
And here is why…

Anyone can go get laid pretty easily.
If you are a female,
there is free, easy to get sex around every corner, no matter your age, looks or anything else.
If you are man, yeah it can certainly be a bit harder ( no pun intended..lol- okay maybe intended)
but at the end of the day if you truly desire it and have a bit of confidence then there is a chick who will hand it over pretty easily.

So sex is not difficult to get.
But thats just friction based, empty sex.
There is nothing too it.
No heart, no soul, no connection.
Its just skin rubbing skin ending with a pump, pump ooohhh, goo, moment.

And that is most likely part of the problem in the primary relationship that triggered this whole idea to open the relationship to start.

Heartless, quick, empty, friction based sex on one side or both.

Opening up the relationship is because one partner if not both feels lost in who they are.
They are starving to be seen, felt and understood.
They are hungry for a deep orgasm.
And that deep orgasm can only come about with care,
with some feelings attached to the person they are dancing with.
Or else, its pointless.
It’s empty and in truth sorta traumatizing to the mental and emotional houses.

Opening up is about realizing that not all connection is equal.
Realizing that NO ONE person will ever, or can ever fill all of our needs. That when we are closed that we will live out our lives only meeting one aspect of self as well.
When we open, it is more about us meeting all the facets of who we are, then about getting laid or having an orgasm.
Opening up is about allowing yourself to breathe into self,
to explore different venues of the mind, the emotions, the physical body.

If you have had sex with more than one person in your life,
then you can pause a moment and think about the different ways each partner made you feel. You can think about how you reacted, conversed differently with each person. How each person, taught you new things about life, or revealed different likes or thoughts, even personalities of the self.

This is why people open.
We grow weary and bored with the self.
We become numb to all this beauty we hold in ourselves,
and we forget who we are.
Our candles grow dim and we need someone to strike a match and help light us up again to all the treasure we have within.

A person who lives in fear of loosing their partner prevents themselves and their partner from ever authentically showing up in the relationship or in the sex. Fear creates an energy of neediness,
fear creates a desire to control outcomes,
and a belief that if our partner loved us truly then they would always put us first.
After all we are the primary partner.
We are the significant other.
We are the life mate.

In truth, the relationship that must hold center stage for any person,
is the relationship with self.
And when we choose to disregard the relationship with self,
we close ourselves to all we have to offer this life,
to offer our partner,
our family and friends.
And we slowly die within.

So yes, this may seem like I just said you need to be selfish in relationship and put yourself in front of EVERYONE else,
and I did say that.
It’s true.
You will never be able to fill the needs of those you love if your vessel is empty.
You must put self- care first.
and in open relationship,
this is understood and honored.
We best honor and love our primary partners and all relationships in our lives when we take care of self in all area’s first.
Now, don’t let this statement lead you to believe that open relationship is about partners demanding things left and right without care to anyone else’s feelings or needs.
Only a self- centered person does that.
And self-centeredness and selfishness are vastly different things.

No, in open relationship the partners discuss needs,
discuss ideas on how to best support each other,
and know that in order to remain deeply rooted in each other and keep their relationship primary,
that they MUST set healthy guidelines, boundaries and agreements in place and honor them.
They know the importance of setting aside time for connection daily and weekly with each other,
keeping the relationship that they claim as a primary,
just that…
PRIMARY FOCUS.
but they do so by honoring themselves as well and speaking their needs and desires. Understanding that sometimes their partner cannot give them what they want or need in that moment.

Yes, open relationship equals difficult, real, raw conversations.
Open relationship means a willingness to see and hear your partners truth and know that you cannot always be the one to support them the way they need.
Open relationship understands that intimacy and vulnerability, truth and answers are not always pleasing or easy to step into.
But that it is what is needed if we truly love someone.
Unconditionally.

Today I ask you to look at your relationship,
no matter the label you identify with.
I ask you to look at your relationship and ask yourself these simple questions,

“Am I making my primary relationship, primary? And how am I doing this?”

“Am I acting out of fear and control in my relationship, or am I offering authentic unconditional love and support?”

“Do I feel that my partner owes me anything or is responsible for my feelings? If so how is this serving either of us or our relationship?”

And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Want to learn about opening up in relationship or want to keep it monogamous but practice the conversations and relating skills of an open relationship? Message me today for deet’s on 1:1 coaching opportunities.

 

But THAT Is Not Sex?

And he said, “But we did not have sex.”
 
I wondered how he believed this.
I wondered what constitues as sex?
I guess to each it is different and to some,
some acts of the flesh are not actual sex or intimate enough to be such,
where to others, such as myself,
all acts of a sexual nature where body fluids are exchanged and our mouths, fingers and genitals are connected are sex.
 
This statement however made me question the meaning of sex in a very real world, primal, physical sense.
 
“But we did not have sex.”
 
His cock was deep in my throat,
it did pulse and throb as it exploded deep into my throat and found itself swallowed up.
 
And his face was burried into my pussy,
his fingers deep into my vaginal canal,
rubbing fiercely on my g-spot as he flicked and sucked firmly on my clit while my body quivered and shook,
and I dripped juices all over him.
 
Alas, we did not have sex.
 
In this instance, sex is only a thing if the genitals themselves connects.
 
His viewing of the situation is that we did not have sex,
so what did we have?
 
Intimacy, perhaps he would say?
Foreplay?
 
And in my eye’s we had sex.
I bared a more vulnerable aspect of myself then penis in vagina sex could ever share.
I openned myself up deeper than just letting him penetrate me with his cock.
 
But we did not have sex. 🤔
 
 
I find myself lost in this statement and yet it is a common place one in my coaching practice with people.
 
People say to me all the time,
well I did not sleep with him/her.
 
I just got a blow job.
I just gave him a blow job.
It was just anal.
I just ate her out.
 
I know in the open relationship world,
the land of poly and swinging and all other lables to help us create containers,
that this discussion is one that is had frequently in order to have good communication.
However, in the land of monogamy…..
 
we don’t know what sex even is.
Or what each partner deems as sex.
 
This statement made me feel like I was dealing with one of my childrens friends who was asking for advice or sharing a story nonchalantly.
 
I recall a friend of one of my daughters telling me that she was a virgin still and that she was going to remain one till she got married. She shared that it was important to her to be pure for her marriage and future husband, just the way she was brought up in church and with her families spiritual beliefs.
Then she went on to share casually that she was at a party and had anal sex with a guy and gave him a blow job.
 
I informed her that both of these actions were sex.
We argued a bit about it because she believed that sex was ONLY vagina and penis.
NOTHING else counted.
 
Now this was almost 10 years ago that I had this discussion.
This young woman is most likely married now or dating someone seriously.
Perhaps she is still a virgin in her eyes and by her belief and family guidlines,
but I want to shed the light of truth on this subject.
 
All the above is SEX.
And anal and oral are more intimate than vaginal and penis in some cases.
Just because you cannot get pregnant from anal or oral does not mean it is safe or not sex.
 
I ask you today…
“How do you define sex?”
 
If you are in a mongamous relationship,
how do you define sex?
 
Is your partner allowed to get or give oral or anal and it be looked at as if they are not having sex outside the relationship?
 
If all you get for a month is anal or oral from your partner did you have a sexless month?
 
 
How do you define sex?
 
And what are the conversations that you need to have with your partner(s) to make sure that you are in agreement or have proper relationship guidelines for your relationship boundaries?
 
As always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
‘Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
Want to explore the truth about relationship?
What are boundaries, guidlines, agreements and what are the conversations that ALL couples and sexually active adults shoul have no matter the lables applied?
 
Reach out to me for deet’s today on the up and coming event Pathways to Relationships.

Accessing the Light Of Your Desire.

I woke with a hunger.
My sex was on fire and I knew what I needed.
I rolled over, spread my legs and moaned a sigh of desire.
Here my turn on was,
igniting me in this moment,
making me yearn for something deeper.
Yes deeper in my sex,
but deeper in my life as well.
A feeling of fear moved through my body and I could feel myself leaning toward contraction of all this yumminess.
As I pondered the sensations,
the hunger,
the cravings and creatve juices of what was birthing from this ignition,
I also feared loosing all that I had created.
Could I survive my turn on?
Could my relationships survive my turn on?
Could the life that I had created thus far survive,
and if so how would all be transformed?
 
This is the agony of turn on.
We touch on it at moments in our life and as we feel its heat upon our flesh and in our hearts,
we fear its power.
Our power.
And question if we can survive accessing a deeper level of who we truly are.
The majority of people choose safety and mediocrety.
They step back from the flames of their SOUL ignited and they choose to ignore it.
To just maybe crack the door to their soul but a hair, so they can see its radiant light flickering through the crack,
but not enough to actual feel its essence in their lives.
 
This is the SOUL.
The soul is that of fire and freedom.
It longs to have ignition.
The oxygen of the soul is the revival of turn on and when we allow ourselves a moment to breathe into our truth,
when we ask why we are settling for so much less sthan what we know is possible,
we wake up the coals of this desire.
Each inquiry of our hearts,
each questioning of our happiness,
each moment we look a little deeper is a stoking of the fire that is hungry to be seen again.
To breathe into life.
 
The only question remains,
“Will you open to your hungers or will you hide once more form them?”
 
The hiding comes through the fear of loss,
the fear of being left alone in your fire,
and being forced to sacrifice all that you have come to love and have.
 
The truth is,
all that you love and have come to have is not stagnet energy.
It moves with time and space and in our effort to try and keep it just as it is,
we squash its life and potential as well as our own.
If what we love and have is meant to be and in alignment to our SOUL,
our heart and truth,
then it will transform with us,
embracing our desires and needs and all that we are revealing,
and if it is not of soul alignment then it must move into a new dimension of relationship with us and that may feel like its ending.
 
Is there ANYTHING in this life that is truly worthy of you stepping away from your power and truth?
 
And if you say yes to this question,
then if it is truly worthy of your sacrifice of YOU,
then would it demand this of you?
And if so , is that love?
 
When we love,
truly love,
we want for the best of another.
When we love,
truly love ourselves,
we understand that we must stand in our power and want for the best for ourselves.
We must not hide our flames of desire,
we must not squelch our turn on.
Because it is this turned on desire for life,
for joy,
for love,
for sex,
for play, connection, revealing, and truth.
That is the ignition of our empowerment.
 
A candle cannot burn when in a closed container.
Yet you may believe that yours can.
Are you living life with this idea?
Are you living in fear of you rturn on and squelching your pleasure, your truth, your power?
 
Or ar eyou asking another to live in this state with the concept that if they loved you,
if they understood your fears and pain that they would just live in a constainer?
The container that you deem safe.
 
This is a year of change.
It is a year of EMPOWERMENT my love,
and you may claim that you want fo rit,
that you want for love and freedom,
but I question if you can truly handle it.
I ask you today to sit with your fear.
To ask yourself if your fear is worth you not living truely YOU.
 
 
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
 
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