Why can’t you just be happy for me?
Why can’t you just smile and let me live my life?
Why do you have to always try and fix what you deem broken,
Just perhaps its not broken at all.
I get that your intent is not to slice me to the bone.
I get that you have no concept of the shame, the fear, the lack of worthiness that you trigger each time you aim to fix what you think needs fixing.
But honey beware.
Your words are powerful.
although you do not control me.
Ultimately it is my choice to fall prey to your desire for my brokenness,
be warned that these words you cast upon me and others,
be warned that these judgements,
these criticism’s have power.
And even the strongest in nature,
those of us who rebel from the control,
yes even us can be penetrated after time,
with these words of fear.
As time passes and you search for more weakness in me,
as you look for how you can save me,
your words become like Chinese water torture,
like nails on a chalk board.
They make me cringe,
they set me on defense.
They steal away my ability to feel you.
And now I stand here guarded.
Ready to take my punishment.
Now before I even start to share,
before I take any step forward or to the side,
I already hear your words of criticism,
and I know…
I know that no matter what I do,
no matter how turned on I am to my life,
no matter how much in flow and a state of passion I might be,
no matter the creative genius that wants to stem from my core.
I know that in your eye’s I am broken.
I know that in your mind I need to learn.
I know that you see me as this child,
this silly naive thing that needs your saving,
needs your fixing.
And so why bother?
Why even try and speak my truth?
Why try and do anything,
because I already know.
And so I settle into the average and ordinary.
I settle into the surface level relating.
Depth and being seen is too painful.
I feel stupid.
I feel dumb.
I feel ugly.
I feel unlovable.
I feel like no matter what,
it does not matter,
because I am wrong.
Or I will get it wrong.
Or it will be messed up by my touch,
by my words,
it’s just me.
And I should just not be.
Your criticism enables my scarcity mindset!
You enable me to not step up and be all that I can be.
You enable me to fear my power.
You enable me to fear my creative soul.
You enable me to keep hating myself.
You enable me to see all my lack of worth.
You enable me….
AND FOR WHAT?
Do you really believe that your words of judgement will entice me into becoming more?
Do your really believe that you know my calling,
my heart better than I or God?
Do you think that your need to fix me is inspiring?
Because it is not!
And lucky for me…
I will never listen.
And when I feel these chisels from you to cut me down,
to make me fear,
to make me become logical.
Yes lucky for me,
I am a F-CK YOU!
and I will move away.
I will step back.
I will turn around.
I will not listen.
Instead I will laugh.
you are the lost one.
You are the broken one.
You are the one that needs me.
that you will not ever have.
Because the tribe I run too,
is a tribe that is wild.
A tribe that is free.
A tribe that is supportive through love.
Supportive through the building up.
Through the appreciation.
Yes that is my tribe.
And so I encourage you to stop this ridiculous need of cutting down, and finding fault, of looking for what is broken or wrong.
I encourage you to instead step into your power.
I encourage you to look for what makes you happy with me.
What makes you happy with life.
What makes you happy with you.
Because all this criticism although seeming pointed at me,
it is not I that you actually have issue with,
it is not I that frustrates you so,
it is not I who needs your saving…
But it is YOU.
So look in that mirror my dear.
Look closely in your eye,
and tell yourself something positive.
Then continue to speak those words.
Because what you focus on grows.
I love you.
You are worthy.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
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