Our field – Meet Me There My Love.

“Beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field, I will be meeting you there.”- Rumi

 
In the stillness of my sleep,
I wake with my mind stirring,
my heart tensing.
 
The hunger for your touch once again,
and the realization that so much has changed within me,
could I ever allow the touch I crave so deeply to happen,
if ever presented,
if ever offered,
would I?
 
My heart aches this morn.
My mind questions reality.
Questions love.
Questions my own sanity.
 
How can I crave so deeply that,
that has hurt me so much?
 
How can I desire that,
that betrayed our love so fiercely?
 
Yet I do.
 
I lay here in the darkness of the morning hours.
Imagining your touch.
I feel you writing love notes on my flesh as I sleep.
I feel your breath on my neck.
Your fingers in my hair.
I hear you singing songs to me,
as your eye’s sparkle with love that radiates through us both.
I smell the scent of roses,
from our sexing.
 
Memories flash through my minds eye,
tormenting my heart and soul.
Parading before me in their dance,
pulling on the strings that you still hold the reigns too.
 
I am far from free.
I am the shadow in your life that you long not to shed light on.
I am far from free.
I am the reason your heart to beats a little faster still.
That voice in your mind that speaks to you when you cannot escape your soul.
That is our connection still.
Those reigns you tug on them.
Miles distance us.
Time passes all too slowly.
We make love to others,
We build memories without each other,
We move forward,
and our souls,
our souls pull.
 
I am not free.
As well as you.
 
I know that time has moved us.
I know that time has changed us.
I know that things will never be again,
the same.
 
Yet I crave.
I hunger.
I wake in the night hours haunted,
You come to me then.
You come to me all to often.
I adore the moments when I feel you close.
I adore the moments that my heart quivers with a flutter of memory,
the pain of your love is addictive.
I dance between casting you away,
and calling you in.
 
My desires feel wrong.
Feel crazy at best.
Beyond all ideas of right and wrong,
there is a field,
It is our field.
It always has been.
It is where I go in these dark morning hours when you wake me from my slumber.
When you speak to me in my dreams.
It is this field between right and wrong,
where I will meet you once again.
 
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.”
 
It is our field.
We have gone to far.
The depth of this connection,
It will carry through this lifetime,
and a thousand more.
 
There is a field.
Meet me there my love.
So we might free ourselves.
 
-KW

Stop Existing & Start Living

Fear Has You By The Ball’s. – Don’t Even Try to Deny It.

If you knew you were limitless what would you do?

 
This is the question that I am batting around today.
I have answered it repeatedly.
I have answered it from a place of fear,
A place of strength and faith,
A place of courage,
A place of cockiness.
However the last few days as I pause in my life to see where I am,
To feel where I am going,
to take notice of my alignment or lack there of,
I find myself asking this question yet again.
 
If I knew I was limitless what would I do?
Who would I be?
What would I have?
 
Tapping into the reality of our limitless potential is one mother f-cking scary thing to do.
 
Just typing this here has my stomach in knots,
I feel the excitement. I feel the joy. I feel the fear, the worry.
I feel all my bullshit of I am NOT good enough coming up.
 
But most of all I feel myself craving it.
 
Yes the last few days I have been blessed with God bringing to me my calling at a deeper level than before. People dance into my life and bring messages of what I am to be doing, whom I am suppose to wo with, what my soul message is.
 
The message of soul is calling so loud these days it is difficult for me to hear anything else.
The issue with soul screaming at me is my own lack of worthiness.
You know that feeling.
You want it but you don’t deserve it.
You want it but your not smart enough,
good looking enough,
compassionate enough,
loving enough,
patient enough.
 
You are not a good enough person.
Who are you to believe that you could ever have that or be that.
 
Yes those feelings.
All stemming back to putting on BIG shoes that you do not feel you can fill properly.
You may be saying, ” Kendal, I am not cut out for these shoe’s. – I am not a leader. I am just a person, an average person who has no message to change the world. “
 
Well, if this is true then you are most likely one f-cking happy person.
You have no pressure from soul to question your reality.
You have no inclination to want for more or be more.
You are feeling comfortable, at peace and love with your chosen career, your chosen world, your chosen relationships and everything. Life is just glorious and you couldn’t ask for more.

 

If that is the case, then CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

We are all happy for you.
Bless you.
 
However, I am betting that this is not the case or you would not be following me or reading this right now.
 
You want more.
You know that more is out there.
You are being called in some fashion to be more.
To stand out and do something.
Something that scares the living sh*t out of you.
 
I understand.
I am there with you.
I sat down today and wrote out my manifestations, I did my daily call in of blessing and I then turned and did some inner work from my mentor. I FINALLY grew the balls to answer some journal prompts she gave me in May that I had been avoiding out of the fear of my own success.
 
I just let my hands write whatever came to them and I felt so much fear rise up in me that I had tears come down my cheeks. My heart started vibrating, my intestines started to churn and felt like I needed to do anything else that would not be this work. I wanted to avoid my truth.
 
I sat there at my breakfast table and got REAL with myself.
 

REALITY CHECK:

Girl you are scared of your greatness.
You are fearful of your power.
 
Fear of looking a certain way.
Fear of appearing too much.
Fear of appearing cocky and self-centered.
Fear of loosing relationships in your life.
Fear of not having enough energy, time or knowledge.
 
Yes I am holding my f-cking self back.
 
That was my wake up call this morning at 10-AM.
 

Well F-CK this SH*T!

If I continue to hold back based on my fear then and ONLY then do I not deserve to have the blessings pour down on me.
 
Then and only then am I accepting failure.
 
God know’s what he is doing.
He is the Alpha and the Omega.
He is the beginning and the end.
He is everywhere and everything.
 
So this calling inside my soul is there because God put it there.
All I have to do is have faith and get into my mother f_cking alignment.
Just allow myself the GREATNESS.
Stop fearing that karma will bite me in the ass if I appear someway that I have been taught is not socially acceptable.
Stop fearing that the people I love and cherish will abandon ship when I get this boat a rockin’.
Stop fearing that I am not limitless but instead crazy.
 
At my core I know that if I want to see my crazy, well I need not look any further than my fear.
 
And what I am fearing ultimately?
I am fearing my greatness.
My limitlessness.
My desire.
My success.
My BIGNESS.
My power.
 
I am fearing my alignment with God.
Taking that leap into the unknown of alignment means that I must open up to HAVING IT ALL.
 
And who am I to believe that I can have it all?
After all, I have f-cked up so much in my life.
I am far from a perfect person.
I am no saint.
I am just a mom, just a woman, just human.
There is nothing GREAT about me.
 
Or so I have been told to believe for years from society.
 
Funny fact is that this “stuff” these sh*t beliefs have never fully been my reality.
God speaks to my heart daily.
I call in his presence daily with my gratitude prayers, with my written word, with my awareness of his messages and guidance in every breath I take.
I truly feel blessed and KNOW that God has my back.
It is ONLY when I doubt it that he seem’s to vanish from my life.
 
So why now do I hesitate?
Why now am I having issues with casting my desires out and commanding them with the spirit of Moses parting the red sea to manifest?
 
Why do I doubt?
 
FEAR.
Satan has a hold of my heart and he has his nasty nails in me. They speak to me from a place that is dark and scary.
They tell me that I will loose.
They confirm that I will be abandoned first by those I cherish, then by society, then by God himself and that I should just not step forward on this path.
 
Yes Satan is there whispering his terrifying messages in my ear.
Pressing in on what I have been told already and telling me that God will be disappointed in me if I shine to bright, because I am no body.
 
I am unimportant.
I am small.
I am not enough.
 
Fingers point to all my failures of the past.
And Satan sits there assuring me that he has my best interest at hand.
That the smartest thing to do is to cower and dim myself.
The world is not a safe place, so I must guard my heart and my light and keep it to myself.
 

WTF!!!!

Why do we listen to this sh*t?

 
Because we fear change.
Because we know the boat will rock and when we are through the transformation we will no longer be whom we were when we got started.
We fear loss of all that we have and are often willing to sacrifice all that we desire to maintain what we have.
We are often willing to sacrifice ourselves even to not loose what we feel so comfortable with in the hear and now.
 
Yes it is fear of nothing but shadow’s that stops us from living our desired life.
 
From being our full potential.

Which is LIMITLESS.

 
I say no to this fear every day.
I see it, I feel it, I witness it’s evil ways,
And I CHOOSE to keep claiming my life.
 
So f-ck off Satan.
F-ck off fear.
You have no power over me.

MY LIGHT WILL SHINE.

 
F-cking bright as hell too.
 
Embrace your light NOW!
Listen to that Call of Soul.
 
God want’s you to surrender to your blessings.
You are LIMITLESS.
If you will ONLY Believe.
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Ode to My Greatest Lover

I wake.
I open myself.
I breathe in deeper.
I feel my fear of this expansion,
of this birthing,
This quaking of my soul as it rattles the cage that it has lived in so long.
My back arches as though my being in is orgasmic rapture,
my hips feel tense and my pussy quivers, tightening, squeezing, releasing.
My heart beats faster and then holds its emotion,
as to not let it escape,
the tears want to be released,
stream down my cheeks and be tasted by my lips.
My lips long to be devoured,
seduced by my lover.
My hands burn,
tremble and shake.
My breath is deep in this moment as I try and relax myself,
Relax from this expansion,
this birthing,
this quaking of my soul.
The cage that once held me so tight,
its bars are no more.
The walls that sheltered me and contained me,
have vanished.
There is nothing.
Nothing more of the me that I have been till now.
I am almost non existent and yet everything.
It is terrifying and brilliant.
I know that I am waking,
that I am becoming,
more.
It is all that I need,
all that I crave,
all that I am.
I am this rapture.
My body opens more,
ready to receive the deepest of penetration,
hungry and wet,
waiting for the teasing touch of my lover in this instant,
My lips full of pulsing blood, my muscles tingle and long for the sensation of being taken,
taken into this climax.
Taken into this rapture.
My soul know’s,
it know’s that there is no escape,
there is no refuge,
this will be orgasmically painful,
and will envelope me.
This will carry me to the greatest of heights,
where I will not be able to move,
I will only be carried.
Carried into the light.
Carried into the joy.
Carried into the bliss.
Carried into the orgasm.
Here, here I will meet my lover.
Here I will wake,
here in the arms of the one that holds me.
Here in the embrace,
I will be penetrated.
Deeper.
Deeper.
And when I feel I can go no further,
when I feel that I have nothing more to give,
nothing more to offer,
when I am exasperated and breathless,
when I am certain that the climax is over,
Deeper.
Deeper.
Till I can not deny.
I cannot hold back any longer.
Where my only option is to surrender.
Where I will become.
The rapture.
My legs open wider,
my knee’s tremble,
deep within my womb there is a fire,
there is creation,
there is a calling.
There is a earning.
Juices are flowing,
I am wet with desire.
I am wet with hunger.
I am salivating…
My lover.
Takes me.
Deeper.
Deeper.
I feel I am too much,
Can I be held if I am too much?
Can I be accepted if I am too much?
Will I frighten my lover?
Will my chaotic, crazy, passion devour him?
 
Yes.
Yes it will devour.
It will eat him up.
He will come to me,
I will drink from him,
I will inhale his essence,
I will absorb his breath.
He will seize to exist,
he will be everything.
And nothing.
This rapture,
This climax.
I sit in it,
fearful.
Intent.
Full.
Hungry.
Here I sit.
In bliss.
Knowing that this is the rapture of my soul.
This is the knowing,
the meeting,
of me.
My lover, he has always been there.
He will NEVER leave.
He is there,
penetrating me.
Deeper.Deeper.
Until I can come no more.
Until my juices have flooded my world,
washed me clean,
and carried him away.
Here,
I wake.
I open myself.
I breathe in deeper.
I feel my fear of this expansion,
of this birthing,
This quaking of my soul as it rattles the cage that it has lived in so long.
I release.
I come.
I surrender.
In the arms of my lover.
In the arms of God.
I can fly.
 

As always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Mother F*cker Messed Up My Orgasm.

 
I sit here this morning not wanting to open up my text thread with my ex.
The negativity,
the control,
the anger that comes from it,
and that I feel inside just at reading the last words on the thread.
 
“Really?”
 
I already know the tone.
The comments and commands.
I feel disgust at this thread.
 
Late last night I saw his final words,
they hit me like lead in my gut,
Sorrow,
Distrust,
Bitterness,
Anger.
 
It is all here.
Stepping away from an enviroment,
a relationship for a few weeks or months
 

“Really”

 
does show you a person’s truth.
While in the relationship we make excuses,
get caught up in the day to day,
and simply just don’t want change.
We don’t want to have a relationship fail.
We want to make it work.
We want to be accepted, loved and connected.
Even at the cost of our well-being,
Our happiness,
Joy,
Health and freedom.
 
SO we ignore,
hide, ‘cover that shit up and act like it is not there.
 
Truth never stays hidden forever though.
A person’s true color’s ALWAYS come out.
And in my saga, the color’s are not so pretty in this relationship.
 
The truth of the reality is that I masked from myself my partners need to control and dominate. I knew he was an alpha personality walking in, and loved that about him. His strength and ability to hold boundaries was attractive. His assertiveness and masculine power was what I needed and desired. I needed the security of this. I needed the foundation of this. I also loved his calm, cool, collected stance. I loved his seemingly open mindedness and playfulness. He offered what I needed in the moment.
 
It was a season.
There was a reason.
 
Now those were gone.
Now I am left with the flip side.
The control freak, the aggressor, the one who when he does not get his way acts like a 3 year old and retracts himself, his love and says, ” I hate you.” Takes his ball and goes home.
 
Now I am left with his need to try and control me through our children. I wonder if he even notices it, if he is aware of his pattern’s, his actions or if he is just playing the role that is comfortable to him and feel’s safe.
 
Now I am left with the residue of his energy as it wafts through the text message, the facetime, the phone calls and emails.
 
Now I am left with him just ignoring anything he does not want to discuss because of the discomfort and his knowing that it will be emotional and I will speak my truth and he can do nothing to stop it.
 
Now I am left with him proving what his priorities are.
His bottom line is focused on his bank account and not on relationship.
His priority is to pretend that none of his actions had anything to do with anything.
His priority is to run and hide behind his masks, not seeing that he is turning into his worst nightmare. The people he always claimed he did not want to be like he is now mimicking them. He is now becoming the one’s that have since passed and he is honoring the patterns that they taught him as a little boy. He is now honoring a closed heart, a barren soul, a disconnected life.
 
In his desire to control, he does nothing more than share his rage and hatred. His fear.
 

But none of this is reason for him to steal my orgasm.

 
No, that is on me.
 
But I want to cast blame onto him.
I want to point the finger and say he did this to me.
 
Yes, this morning I sit here not wanting to open this thread of text messages between us because I feel all of it.
 
Last night, I did not open it in hopes to avoid it.
I wanted to avoid the negativity of his control.
I wanted to avoid looking at him on facetime with our nightly call for our kids.
I wanted to just not feel him for just one night, one day.
I wanted the freedom that flickers through my days.
I wanted to breathe.
 
But that last statement attached itself to me,
the thread just lingered and my ego ran and played with it.
 

“Really?”

He was inquiring why I had not answered I am sure,
he was frustrated that in his grand attempt to contact everyone in my home to get me to contact him had not worked,
he was upset that he could not control the situation and that I had made a stance to just say no.
 
Our children had not asked to speak to him so I felt no guilt in not speaking tonight.
 
We were busy having fun, connecting and laughing.
We were snuggling.
So why wreck a good moment.
A good memory for his desire to control?
 
Yes, this is the question of the morning.
Why allow him to steal it?
I held firm for my children.
For that moment.
But then I allowed that word, that thread to infiltrate my soul.
I allowed it to poke at me.
And I allowed it to steal the depth of orgasm that I was offered in the night hours with my lover.
 
I pushed myself to open,
I felt pain from doing this.
I shut myself in fear,
fear I would reveal to much.
I got captured by that damn text thread,
over and over again.
 
Into my head,
out of my body.
Away from my deep orgasm.
Keeping it surface.
All the while desiring what I had just tasted 24 hours before.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

F-*-C-K!!!!!!

 
I allowed him to.
Just like I allowed him to control to much of my life in our relationship. Just like I allowed him the power to act the way he did. Just like I allowed myself to stay,
to stay in the enviroment that was not conducive to my purpose,
my heart, my life.
 
YES
 
That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.
But I made the choice to not release,
to breathe in.
To hold him and his energy
instead of leaning in to my lovers thrusts of passion,
my lovers presence,
my bliss.
 
He only messed it up because I allowed it.
And this morning, I sit here witnessing my ego, my pain, my rage, my holding.
 
Here I sit with my body breaking down.
My body screaming at me, “STOP! – Let that shit go!”
 
Here I sit, witnessing that he not only physically hurt me,
controlled me in ways that I was not aware of,
hid his truth from me,
Held anger toward me and lied to my face about it,
He not only did not love me and may have never,
but he continued to punch me in the heart.
He was willing to try and dominate my life,
the children’s life,
through textbook tactics of an abuser.
 
It is shocking to me.
It is on going.
It is healing to see things from this vantage point.
 

That mother f*cker messed up my orgasm.

And I am in gratitude for it.

 
Thank you Mother F*cker for being you and showing me my strength.
Thank you Mother F*cker for showing who you really are so that I could claim whom I am more.
Thank you Mother F*cker for the season, the reason and the blessings that we shared.
Thank you Mother F*cker for coming into my life and being EXACTLY what I needed.
 
With out you, I would not be me.
Empowered.
Guided.
Desiring more.
Certain.
 
Thank you for supporting my determination and drive.
Thank you for your disconnect to your emotions and heart, and showing what that does to a human, to a relationship, to a life and making me aware of where I meet you there and that…
 
I CHOOSE.
I choose to STOP meeting you there.
I choose instead to open up my heart.
To feel my emotions.
To forgive.
To heal.
To laugh.
To connect.
 

I choose to LIVE.

Unbound, free and on purpose.

 
Cut loose from the chains that you tried to hold me with.
Cut loose from the chains that I held myself with.
Cut loose from the fear.
 
YES
I choose.
I choose to…
 

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

My monkey’s tried to get me laid.

🙊🙉🤭😈 My monkey’s tried to get me laid. 🔥🔥🙊☺️
Only in my world of crazy does this sort of stuff happen.
Only in my world is it allowed,
Embraced and accepted.
 
In truth, It was a day of frustration, what started out to be a productive, good feeling day quickly shifted gears to frustration and overwhelm. Not only was I just in pain physically from pushing my healing body to do more than what it most likely should have, I was also pushing myself emotionally to work through boxes of old energy from my marriage of 20 years and then my next relationship of almost 7 years.
 
Sorting and cleaning a garage full of memories can have its fair share of painful moments.
 
Really dredging up the past and forcing yourself to let go.
See the truth that you once lived,
and embrace your moment now.
 
This was my Monday.
All because the universe proclaimed that my internet wire would get cut from the yard guy and I would be out of online commission until it was repaired. So, I did the next best thing….
 
Was proactive and started sorting, cleaning and putting my house together.
 
After a long and full day of multiple emotions rising to be siphoned through, I was exhausted, smelly 😱 and just wanting to rest, have a glass of wine or maybe something harder, get my munchkins down for bed and yes…
 

Yes,

I wanted a good orgasm.

 
Lucky for me I had this last part already in the works by inviting my lover over for dinner.
 
And planned on having myself and him for desert. 🔥😜🔥🔥
 
Everything was taking longer, except for what I was wanting to take a long time and that was the nakedness in my bed. But no, instead I was blessed with bedtime item’s and simmering down of little one’s taking MUCH longer than wanted, especially since I sat there, needing to pee, needing to shower, and just wanting to relax in my lovers arms.
 
Instead I was blessed with laughter coming from the other room, where my elder children, my friends and my lover enjoyed themselves and joked, connected and made light in the evening hours while I snuggled down my munchkins, smelt my stench and craved to just let go.
 
Breathing in the moment. I felt my ego on the cusp of just screaming.
 
My 21 year old daughter came and offered to help me, I shot her down, and offered her a not very well disguised guilt trip on poor mom’s mood.
 
My friend came and offered to help, I shot her down and offered another ego based comment, sharing that I had it all under control and that it was F-I-N-E.
 
I heard myself saying this bullsh*t,
I wanted the saving,
I wanted the connection,
The help.
I wanted to effing shower!
I wanted to get these babies down so I could laugh,
enjoy my evening some,
get out of my head and into my body,
and get to what I was really craving.
The orgasm between my sheets.
 
But I denied myself the opportunity to have it sooner than I could receive it.
 
I denied my family and friends the opportunity to help me,
to support me.
 
Instead I wanted to sit in my disgust just a little bit longer.
I was punishing myself,
for something I was not even conscious of.
I felt shame.
I felt rage.
I felt depression.

I felt like a total f*ck up to life.

 
I held my son on my lap as he wiggled and fought sleep,
looking at him and wondering how I could have been so stupid to let myself get caught up in yet another bad relationship with a man who claimed all this and that and in a moments notice could shut out everything, everyone and just walk away. In gratitude for the lives of my children, the reasons, the blessings from my relationship, I could smile but in my heart I felt all of this…
 
And I felt shame.
I felt guilt.
I felt lost.
 
So I punished myself in this moment.
I denied support, love, help and orgasm.
I denied God from helping me achieve my goals.
 
My monkey’s on the other hand refused to listen to my ego.
They refused to let me sink to far.
They refused to let mom crash,
my friends were on board with the plan,
my lover was of course on board…lol
 
My monkey’s decided that it was time for me to take care of me and to go after what I not just wanted but NEEDED.
 
So my daughter’s came in and told me to go shower, to get clean, that they had their little brother’s.
A friend got me drink.
My lover provided a smile and sparkling eye’s with a clear intent.
 
I showered.
I shaved. (because that is what girl’s do when they are needing and wanting certain event’s 😈)
 
Clean,
refreshed,
ready,
lighter in spirit,
I emerged.
My little one’s asleep.
Laughter filled my dinning room,
I was now part of it.
I was fully there.
Sharing,
Connecting,
De-Shaming.
 
My monkey’s tried to get me laid.🙊🙊😜😜🙏
They made a plan.
They figured out who was taking over for night time child care,
who would sleep where, so that mom would not have to worry about children. They discussed it, argued about it and laughed.
 
At the end of it,
My monkey’s tried to get me laid,
and were successful.
 
They created the space for mom to go,
Be,
Do,
Have.
 
What I wanted and NEEDED.
With No Shame.
With No Guilt.
In Truth.
In Harmony.
In Love.
 
They knew how badly I needed to just be able to drop down and connect to my lover,
to myself,
to my orgasm.
 
They supported my well being.
 
My monkey’s.
My circus.
My crazy world.
My family tribe.
 
No Shame.
Only Open, Unconditional.
Love.
 
#lovemygrownassbabies
#fuckyeslife
#shamefree
 

And as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Hell Hath No Fury.

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

 
Or so the saying goes.
The past month of my life has forced me to step into a fury that I did not know existed to the level that it does. One event opening up the wounds to another. And that event opening up the wounds to another and another and another.
 
At first I sat with the events after they happened and was simply shocked.
Bewildered and lost.
 
Then I shut myself to the emotions that were coming up.
Then I opened.
Then I shut myself down again because under the emotions and the physical sensations of pain, fear and worry,
I discovered something much darker.
 
The darkness of a ghost that had been lingering in my midst for my life.
The darkness of a fear that I had been dancing with forever.
The darkness of my heart.
 
I found myself dancing with the feeling of being a victim and not wanting to be one, yet not being able escape the reality of what had happened and the knowing that in this moment, in this timeline, I was a
 
VICTIM.
 
I hate the word victim.
I don’t believe in being a victim.
I believe that no matter the situation that we are all spiritual volunteers here playing out our lessons in life. Expanding and evolving.
 
Evolving through pain.
Evolving through love.
Yet still evolving.
 
So to sit with the reality that I was a victim in this moment was something that hurt me to a point of rage in my emotions.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a strong mother F*cking Goddess!
I am the co-creator of my world.
I am a f*cking manifestor that creates her world with power, certainty and direction through my heart and by the guidance of God and my soul link.
 

I am not a victim damn it.

 
But yet, here I sit with the reality that in this part of my current time line,
 
Physically,
at very least I am just that ,
that I do not prescribe too.
 
A Victim.
 
And f*ck it hurts and is scary and shit to admit that yes,
I too could be feeling this fear.
Feeling this loss of the life that I new.
Feeling the uncertainty of the steps that I must take.
 
Yes, here I am, still feeling like somehow I deserved this.
I made it happen.
If I had not only done this or that.
Then surly things would not have escalated to the level that they did and I would not be physically hurt and broken.
That I would not be emotionally worn out and lost.
That my faith and trust in relationship would still be strong.
That what I believed or thought I knew as truth would still remain in tact and that my world would remain all that it had potential of being.
 
Yes certainly I must be at fault for all that has occurred.
Yes certainly I must have been the culprit of this disaster.
I was not good enough.
I was too much.
I wanted to much.
I cared to deep.
I spoke to much of my truth.
I should have coward in the face of the danger instead of standing to face it.
I should have just shut up and got in my place.
 
After all,
I am just a woman.
 
Who am I to think anything other than the reality that I am just a woman.
 
It is a man’s world.
He’s the boss.
It is his house.
His car.
His world.
His right.
 
His right to command.
To command me.
To command how things go.
To command my actions.
My thoughts.
My feelings.
My words.
 
If I had just not spoke.
If I had just not inquired.
If I had just not followed.
If I had just let it be.
If I had just been a good woman,
and did what I was told.
 
Told…
 
Yes told.
 

“You will STOP!”

 
He wanted me to stop,
he wanted me to be quiet,
he wanted me to not inquire,
follow,
speak my truth,
stand up for my child,
for myself.
He wanted me gone.
He wanted me deleted from his life.
He wanted me to STOP.
 
If I had just listened.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!!
Goddesses are not commanded to STOP.
To not speak their hearts.
Their truth.
To break in the face of danger.
To run in the face of danger.
To feel shame about their humanness,
their love,
who they are or anything else.
 
Goddesses do not abandon their children when danger is present.
Goddesses do not fear the outcome.
They command the outcome.
The outcome is one that is ALWAYS one,
one that in the long run supports the beauty,
the love,
the truth,
the heart,
the soul, the power of God that moves through each of us.
 
He fell in love with the Goddess,
but he wanted to tame her.
He wanted to own her.
He wanted to control her.
To shut her up and be her ruler.
 
Goddesses only have one ruler.
The Great Divine.
The Almighty.
Lord.
God.
Creator of All.
That is the only ruler of a Goddess.
And we are lead by our hearts.
 
Those hearts lead us to follow when we see our lover is in pain.
When we see our child is hurt.
When we know we are not being heard, seen or felt,
Those hearts lead us to speak up not become quiet.
 
And certainly not become quiet because we are commanded too.
 

F*ck That!

 
Hell hath no fury like a Goddess scorned.
That is how the statement should go.
 
But he,
he is the lucky one.
He scorned a Goddess,
a woman who know’s who she is,
who is not afraid to speak out,
to be vulnerable,
to forgive but not forget,
 
he is the lucky one.
Because in his actions she FINALLY witnessed his truth.
 
And he may not be strong enough to see it but she is.
She see’s his pain,
his fear,
his lack of truth,
his lies not just to her,
but to himself.
 
She see’s how deeply he is hurting,
his feeling of not being worthy,
his discomfort with integrity.
 
She see’s his shame and how he hopes to shame her.
 
She see’s him.
She see’s herself.
 
Yes.
 
I am not a victim.
I am a F*cking Goddess.
 
No matter what the experience, I KNOW that God has my back.
No matter what the result I know that I am the co-creator of my reality.
No matter what the feelings, or the physical challenges that are upon me, I know that I
 
 
People come into our lives.
They serve their purpose as we do in theirs.
We often feel betrayed, hurt, scorned and victimized.
This is all part of our path.
 
Our evolution.
 
But even in evolution we get to choose,
choose our reactions,
which lead us to the next phase of our own personal reawakening.
 
We get to choose how we evolve.
Every action has a reaction.
 
We choose what those are.
We have conscious thought.
That conscious thought can trump our ego and our core beliefs if we want it to.
We can decided.
 
NOW.
In this moment,
To love fully.
To heal quickly.
To not break.
To expand.
To express.
To be vulnerable.
To be worthy.
 
To COMMAND our life to be the life that manifests our dreams.
 
I may be a victim in the essence of the physical and emotional abuse that I have experienced in the last short bit of time,
 
But I am NOT a victim to life.

 

I am a mother F*cking Goddess!!!

 
I may be scorned,
and scorned deeply from multiple sources,
 
But I am not a victim,
because I KNOW
I know I get to choose my outcome.
 
My path.
My reaction.
I know that God has my back.
 
And I surrender my heart to that.
 

What do you choose?

 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Are you a woman that feel’s scorned? Hurt? Scared to step into her Mother F*cking Goddess Power? 
Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.
 
 
 

Popcorn Moments

These moments… Popcorn Moments.

 
These moment’s they tend to drive me effing crazy while they are happening.
 
You most likely know the moments.
It is the times when you are focused, determined, aware and taking action,
 
But there is still no pop corn popped.
You can hear the sizzle in the pan of the kernels getting ready.
You can feel the heat of the fire that you have built and keep tending too.
 
You can smell the warming oil.
And feel the excitement of how good it will be when they pop.
 
Yes the yummieness of the fresh pop corn, its buttery flavor, its comfort and simple complexity.
 

Yes you know these popcorn moments.

 
Every time you make your mind up that you are going to
 
Get serious.
Make it happen.
Plant your stake.
Get COMMITTED.
Become more than what/who you are.
Access your FLOW.
And become ABUNDANT.
 
Yes these moments.
 
This is what I am speaking of.
 
And then what happen’s?
 

I will tell you what happen’s…

Your child comes to you and asks if he can purchase a game online. It is only this small amount of funds.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your kid comes to you and ask’s if they can go here or there with a friend and they need just $20, NOW.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You open your refrigerator or pantry and see that it is time to go grocery shopping again, and you feel this drop in your gut.
 
Because you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your friend say’s let’s grab lunch, and you really need away from everything and get excited about the connection and sharing.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You really need to take a moment for some self-care and get a massage. You have been working so hard, and you know it is almost mandatory for you to do.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your lover snuggle’s up and say’s, “Let’s grab dinner and a movie, go for drinks and chat.” You see the sparkle and turn on in their eye, you feel the need for connection.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 

Yes here is what happens.

 
We reach for our goals.
Our dreams and desires.
 
We PROCLAIM that we want them,
That we will DO ANYTHING to achieve them.
 
We send out our rockets of desire and watch as they his they pass through the atmosphere into the hands of God.
 
And then we promptly, swiftly,
 
CLAIM that we don’t have it.
 
It is in our words,
Our actions,
Our thoughts.
 
And all of this makes up our ENERGY.
 
If we are not in the energy of certainty,
the energy of enthusiasm,
the energy of allowing ourselves to receive our desired life.
 
Then can we ever REALLY expect that we will create it.
That the BLESSINGS will come down on us?
 
No, Because it is like looking at that popcorn, sizzling away.
Smelling it getting ready, hearing the kernels in the hot oil.
Even seeing and hearing a few pop,
 

And THEN…

 
Removing it from the heat,
And PROCLAIMING that it was NEVER going to happen.
 
In this we not just take our popcorn off the heat,
we toss it in the trash can.
 
And cry about the waist.
 
We blame the popcorn.
We blame the stove.
We blame the oil.
We say the oil got to hot or not hot enough.
 
And then we land on, ” I did not want popcorn anyway.”
 
Sound familiar?
 
We are all guilty of doing this somewhere.
I write this because I caught myself in my own little popcorn moment this morning.
 
Funny how we sabotage that, that we want so much.
So that we can continue to SETTLE for something less.
 
Our comfort is in the LESS though.
Our SUCCESS is in the MORE.
In the anticipation.
In the waiting with intent.
In the energy of IT IS ALREADY HERE.
 

Where are you coming from this day?

Will you ALLOW your popcorn to pop?

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Call It A Blond Dementia Moment.

Blond Moments.

 
LOL… I have these so often.
It truly is not funny.
 
Okay, so it is pretty effing funny.
I laugh at myself ALL the time.
 
Today I was out to lunch with a friend who is part of my KW Team. I was sharing with her my appreciation for her support and friendship and simply all she does for me.
 
And then I had to share this little diddy with her about my blond moment at 6AM yesterday.
 
So if you did not know, I am a horrible control freak.
I really have a tough time delegating in my business.
I have for years done it all myself and built almost everything BUT the info structure and SEO of my website by myself.
I have had help along the way for technical things, but quickly took it upon myself to learn what was happening and then booted my helper and did it myself.
 
Why?
Well, I could feed you some bullshit line here and say that I could not afford the help or we had some disagreement and just needed to split.
 
But like I said, that would be a bullshit line.
 
The truth was, I dumped the help because I felt like it made me weak to ask or need help.
It made me feel like someone else was in control of my life instead of me.
And I simply DID NOT TRUST.
 
I did not trust that they would do what I needed or wanted.
I did not trust that I could release my stuff to them.
I did not trust that God would provide me with the means to pay them.
 

And the BIG one:

 
I did not trust that I was worthy enough to have help.
 
Anyway, this has been a long running battle for me.
Anyone, close to me and is reading this right now is shaking their head YES.
 
Well, a few weeks ago I committed to take myself to the next level of coaching and grow my business. Which means that I would have to grow and learn how to expand myself more.
 
 
And one of the first things I am being faced with is that I am DOING TOO MUCH.
 
I am trying to CONTROL IT ALL.
And I need to just LET GO.
 
LOL…
You would think I would know that.
 
And I do.
But here is my shit.
 
My shit is that one of my tweaks to go to the next level is to delegate and ASK FOR HELP.
 
Ask for what I need.
And then ALLOW myself to RECEIVE it.
 
Okay so fast forward to 6AM today….
 
I am jumping on Facebook to do my daily 6-AM Conscious Coffee LIVE and I decided after three sips of coffee with one eye open that I was going to take the first minute to share my LIVE from my business page to my personal profile where I have over 4k friends and followers. I was thinking it would touch more people and would make a bigger impact.
 
GREAT IDEA.
 
So I do it. I go LIVE, I make the announcement that I am sharing this and doing a quick tech thing and then I get into my talk.
 
I go through a few moments of sharing on the topic- But You Said You Wanted It.
 
When I have a TOTAL Blond Moment.
 
And to make matters worse from just being blond, I freak myself out internally like the zombie apocalypse is happening…
 
Mid sentence, I am sharing a point and think to myself,
” I need to share the Feel Good Now Course” under this live.
 
Like magic, the course pops up under my LIVE.
And that is not the magical part,
It was shared by ME.
 
Except, I DID NOT share it.
 
So, I was like, “W-O-W! That was cool. and Thank you God.”
 

But that wow moment quickly crept into, “WTF! How did that happen and who hacked my account?”

 
Total Blond…
My friend I was having lunch with today, I had given permission to edit and admin my coaching page to.
 
I had asked for her help to run things and support me.
I had asked her to join my team and do just what she was doing.
 
Supporting me on a LIVE.
 
Yeppers, This crazy blond here, forgot she asked for her needs.
And freaked the f*ck out from getting what she was asking for.
 
I guess that could be called a Blond Dementia Moment?
 
IDK.
 
Anyway, moral of my tale this afternoon…
 

Stop trying to control everything.

Let go of what you can, so you can BE-DO-HAVE more.

 
Open up and ASK for your NEEDS to be met.
Then DON’T forget to allow yourself to actually RECEIVE them.
 
Oh, and ALWAYS….
ALWAYS
Remember to Laugh.
 
Laugh at Life.
Laugh at Yourself.
Laugh at your Ego.
 
Find the Humor in your life and it will get easier,
and flow better.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

 

Crash & Rise – Allow Yourself to Shine.

There I was listening to old songs as we drove. The music and the wine blending perfectly in my being.
Imagine Dragons, Incubus, Mumford and Sons, and Awolnation.

Song after heart pounding song.
My voice went with the words, my lips moved softly to form them. 
My heart jerked trying to escape memories.

It was no good though.
I had my heart in a spot where I knew it had to be.
There it was, trapped by my bones and muscles.
It could not run.

It could try and shut down, but my voice would penetrate it no matter. My ears would open and allow those words to drift down,

Down to that wound.
That wound that wanted to remain.

This is how I show my love.
This is how I show my love
I made it in my mind because
I blame it on my ADD baby
This is how an angel cries
Blame it on my own sick pride
Blame it on my ADD baby
Blame it on my ADD
Sail!

Yes, maybe I should cry for help as the song goes.
Yes, I do believe that I am killing myself.
At least a piece of me must die in this moment.

It must let go of its diseased fear and die,
So that the rest of me may live.
So that the rest of me might not just heal,
But SHINE!

There I was listening to these old songs that had so much emotion caught in each word that my heart was ready to burst.

“Can you please pull over,” I requested.
Into a parking lot we went and the car stopped.
Not a second too soon too, as I threw myself out of the passenger side to release myself from the constriction of the space that I could run from.

Feeling like my heart was ready to burst, I ALLOWED myself to crumble. There at the trunk of my car, exhaust huffing by my face I crumbled to the ground.

The pavement was warm from the day that had passed still.
The night air was muggy and heavy, much like my heart.
Lifting my eye’s to to the star’s that I could not see,
I was reminded that in order to be seen and to SHINE bright,
we must allow the darkness to come for us.
We must in this dark space, learn to see our own brilliance.
And we must blaze a trail of our own.
Like the stars in the sky that danced before my tear filled eye’s,
I was being given the opportunity to EXPAND.

Let it out!
Let the pain go.
Let the tears wash you clean.
Let the heaviness bury the old you.
Let the breeze carry you away and refresh your soul.

Let GO and Let GOD.
YES.

ALLOW for your healing.
Crumble.
CRASH.

And RISE.
RISE, into the new day.
Rise into the new you.
RISE.

It is your day.
Your day to shine,
And show your love.

And Remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living.

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Hard to Breathe.

Some moments seem too hard to breathe through.

 
Have you ever felt like this?
 
You want to run, but there is no place to hide.
You want to escape this world, this life because your heart is so heavy, so full of pain and it feel’s like there is no purpose behind any of it.
 
The more you try to just go with it, or let it go,
The more you smile and just take steps seemingly forward ,
The more you inquire and sit with the pain in quiet moments alone,
The more you attempt to do WHATEVER it takes to allow yourself to carry on,
 
You feel yourself retracting even more.
You feel yourself shrinking into nothing.
You feel yourself letting go of who you were born to be,
Who you long to be.
 
This is what my last year has been like in so many ways.
And in truth, if I get REALLY REAL with you here, it has been longer.
 
Where did my heart get scared and decide it was not safe?
When did my soul escape the confounds of this being?
When did I turn away?
 
Away from me.
Away from my core.
Away from my love.
Away from my wings.
Away from my worthiness.
 
As I inquire deeper and deeper, I just feel more lost, more overwhelmed, more HOPELESS.
 
In these times of self-awareness I stand with a great uncertainty.
And I SEE just how this life long agony of my heart and soul have lead me from moment to moment.
 
Choice to choice.
 
I see that this pain has been a catalyst and a destroyer.
It has helped me to meet myself at deeper levels.
It has shown me some of the darkest shadows of myself.
It has gotten me intimately connected to my desires.
It has cradled me as I cry and fear that I will NEVER be ENOUGH and yet shudder with the concern of BEING TO MUCH.
 
The dagger in my chest that is pushing itself ALL the WAY through my soul ONLY has life in me giving it mine.
 
It has no purpose of it’s own, it is only here bleeding out my light.
It has NOTHING.
 

NOTHING without my attachment to it.

 
So why then do I desire to hold on to it and keep pushing it deeper into my heart?
 
Why then do I find a fascination in the pain?
 
Why then do I believe I CANNOT exist without this pain?
 
I fear being pain free.
I fear being free.
I fear being whole.
I fear me.
 
I fear my greatness.
I fear my light.
I fear my heart.
I fear my worthiness.
 
The moments that are seemingly too hard to breathe through are the exact moments that expand us.
 
It is these La’ Petite Mort of the heart that we gain GREAT insight and we are
 

Rebirthed.

 
We become a new version of ourselves by our own accepting.
Our own honoring.
 
This that feel’s like it will certainly cause us to parish, most certainly will do JUST THAT.
 
It will cause the old version of us to no longer exist.
And if we embrace what it is here for then we will SHINE BRIGHTER than before.
 
Love deeper than before.
Laugh more than before.
Expand our wings wider than before.
Shine brighter than before.
 
These breathless moments, where we can not capture the air that we need for survival as we are.
 

These are our opportunities for GREATNESS.

 
 
And remember,