3 Men Showed Up.

Arms open wide.
His arms, so open.
So supportive.
So full love.
Of acceptance.
 
I welcomed his embrace with my whole heart and soul.
Needing to be held.
To be carried in this moment.
Needing his witnessing of my soul.
My heart.
My pain.
My fear.
My love.
My gratitude.
 
There we were, a moment that happens often in our relationship. Saying good bye at a car door in a parking lot. Embracing each other with love. With a tender holding of friendship. Of authentic connection.
 
Today was different though.
Today I was breaking in the wake of my life.
I was washed over by the storm of my life and I did not have the strength to hold space for myself.
 
Today, I needed his strength.
I needed the witnessing and loving support of the divine masculine to hold me.
 
A fatherly love.
A lovers love.
A deep friendship of years.
A kindred spirit.
 
I needed to feel God come through him and hold me. Assure me that I was going to not just be fine, but be able to fly again.
 

And here he was.

I love the way he showed up.

 
Present attention.
His inquiry was deep but open.
So understanding.
So empathetic. Compassionate.
Full of love.
 
Soft were his words.
Connective were his communications.
2000 miles may have separated us, but he was there holding my hand. Holding my heart. Sharing his.
 
Months had passed since we saw each other and spoke last, yet these two hours on the phone felt like no time had passed. There was zero distance between our beings.
 
It was perfect.
He was perfect.
His holding and witnessing made him so.
 
I had been able to gift him with this holding in years past, now he was offering it to me and sharing his tales and lessons equally. Together we rose. Together we embraced life in this moment.
 
Our pain.
Our broken hearts.
Our misunderstandings and uncertainty.
Our joy.
Our faith.
 
A fellow soul crusader’s empathy and love.
A lovers love.
A friendship of years.
A kindred spirit.
 
I needed to hear his lessons of love and compassion. I needed his truth in this moment. It supported my own. His words encouraged both of us. God was speaking through him. His statement of, ” I answer to something higher than the law of humankind.”
 
Yes. I too answer to this.
I too align to this.
Our laws of ego and shut down hearts are not my truth.
I needed to hear this. I needed him to assure me that I was not broken. That I would fly again.
 

And here he was.

I loved the way he showed up.

 
His smile.
His embrace.
He walked through the door and just smiled that smile.
He embraced me from behind while I cooked dinner.
Kissing my neck.
Telling me sweet everything’s.
 
Those words.
His arms open wide.
His heart beat assuring me.
His presence witnessing me.
The tears I had cried before, in the parking lot, on the phone. He could see their residue left from my mascara on my cheeks.
He could see my exhaustion.
My fear. My concern.
 
His holding. He shared his breath with me through a kiss.
He assured me that I could fly with his smile.
He cradled my heart as it wept with his presence.
He cradled my aching body with his strength, his warmth.
 
Silence.
Presence.
Love.
 
It was ours.
These were our tales.
This was our truth.
Our moment.
The only moment.
 
A fellow seeker of truth and healing.
A lovers love.
A new friendship.
A kindred spirit.
 
The look in his eye’s. The smile on his face. The laughter he brought into the moment. His light. Telling me that I could have it all. Telling me that I was strong. That I was a mother f*cking Goddess! Telling me that I was radiant. Telling me that I was needed and mattered. Assuring me that I could fly.
 

And here he was.

I loved the way he showed up.

 
This was my day yesterday.
These three gentlemen assuring me,
each in their own way that I could fly.
Each sharing their hearts.
Their love.
Their presence.
 
Helping to heal me.
And I helping to heal them.
Through authenticity and truth.
Through unconditional love and the offering of our presence and witnessing for each other.
 
Here is the dance of the divine masculine and feminine in it’s beauty. Here is the ying and the yang.
 
These three men in less than 24 hours have done more toward the healing of my heart and soul than I can ever communicate in my written words.
 
My gratitude for their love, support, compassion, empathy, connection, guidance, strength, and PRESENCE goes beyond words or actions to be shared.
 
All I can offer in return-
Is my heart and my wings.
 
Thank you for being the wind beneath my wings.
For carrying me to a new space.
Thank you for helping me take a step in restoring my faith in the masculine. In men.
 

Thank you.

 
This is my share today.
It is a share of compassion. Vulnerability and gratitude.
It a share of the great masculine and how it can when it chooses, hold space for the feminine and love her through her storms and messy emotions.
 
This is a share to show all men out there,
 
Thank you to these three men who chose in one day to gift me with their presence and hearts.
 

A remember,

Always –

Stop Existing – Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

God Bless My Ego.

It is one of those days.
One of those days where I find myself wrapped in a cover of doubt. Fear. Overwhelm. Exhaustion.

Uncertainty knocking at my door,
Screaming at me that I will fail.

Screaming at me that there is no f*cking way that I can do this.
Can have this.
Can be this.

My ego parading around in my head taking front row center stage, announcing its victory of kicking me while it perceives I should be down.

It woke me numerous times last night to tell me how shitty I was. To share with me its concerns and fears. To announce to me how everything that I wanted I could not have and how I was not good enough to have it.

My ego.
God bless my ego.

Standing in the shower just moments ago, I found myself being taken on another ego trip.

Feeling like I was scrooge being drug through my life of what had happened, what was happening and what would be.

My ego painted nothing but the most gloomy of pictures.
Assuring me that this was sure to happen.

Telling me that my life would NEVER be what I wanted.
I was for certain not to be HAPPY.
Not to find true LOVE.
Not to HEAL.
Physically or emotionally.
Not to LIVE UNBOUND, full and free.
Telling me that the F*ck Yes! Life that I prescribe too,
PREACH about,
and have been living,
was all a figment of my imagination.

My ego.
God Bless my ego.

Yes it shared with me that ADVENTURE was gone for this lifetime. Only work, work, and more work was in my future.

Yes it shared with me that PLAY was not to be had. Instead it is time to put on my BIG GIRL pants and get serious and STOP desiring play, fun, joy, and bliss.

Yes it shared with me that LOVE was nothing to desire. It does not exist. No one will ever love me. Will ever honor me. Will ever hold space for me. Will ever see me. No, this man does not exist. My SOUL MATCH does not exist. He is a figment of my imagination. I will have to just SETTLE for meeting fragments of him in other men and make due with what I get.

Yes my ego shared that I was stupid.
That I was unhealthy.
That my body now was f*cked up and ugly.
That I looked old, tired, worn out and should just settle for the reality that my light had been squished.

My wings clipped.
Yes it shared that my words, my truth, my message was unwanted and not needed. That it to was stupid, not good enough and silly.

My ego. 
God Bless my ego.

This morning my ego has had a Raging Dance Party in my psyche.

It has been shacking its booty in my face,
Rubbing itself up and down my sides like a horny, drunk person.
It has been pointing its fingers and laughing at my dreams and desires.
It has been taunting me, seducing me and scaring me.

It has been lude, crude and tempting.
It makes its case like the best attorney in court.
Showing evidence of my lack of worthiness.
My lack of FAITH.

Showing me how BAD I have been in life and how I deserve to FAIL.

Yes, my ego.
God Bless my ego.

And F*CK MY EGO!!!!

I watch it dance before me. I hear its serenade.

The reality.
MY REALITY.

Is that a life of EGO is NO LIFE AT ALL.

I know the wolf that is underneath that cloak.
It hungers for my life.
It craves to steal my breath.
It craves to steal my LIGHT.
It tells me my wings are clipped when in FACT my wings are stretched out so far I cannot see their tips.
It tells me I cannot FLY.
That God will not carry me.

My SOUL KNOWS different.
My HEART is CERTAIN of different.

I do not have to look far to SEE the TRUTH.
My TRUTH.

My TRUTH, that is all around me.
Comes through my words.
Through my messages.
Through my energy.
Through the light in my eye’s.

My TRUTH,
that comes through the messages that my TRIBE shares with me.
The vulnerability of not just my expression but that of those I connect with, share with and hold space for.

Yes, my truth.
God Bless my truth.

I will NEVER STOP.
DREAMING.
SHARING.
LIVING.
BELIEVING.

I will NEVER STOP.
LOVING.
OFFERING.
OPENING.
BEING ME.

The ego will try and strip us of our life.
It will try and scare us into submission.
It has tactics that make us feel like we should do this or that.
It will tell us how to be a good person.
It will tell us this is what God wants from you.
It will make us prideful and strip us of our pride all in the same sentence.

None of which is coming from God or our soul.

No.
F*ck the EGO and it’s satanic ways of making us fear LIVING.

F*ck the EGO for attempting to steal our lives and dreams.

Our desires.
Our TRUTH.

I don’t know about you,
But I can tell you that I for one REFUSE to let the EGO LIVE MY LIFE.

This life is mine to live.
This breath is mine to breathe.
This heart is mine to share.

I am Claiming My Life.
Will You Claim Your’s?

Remember,
Stop Existing – Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

When Traffic Get’s You Down Try This….

I love TRAFFIC!

Seriously, I use to be one of those drivers that dreaded going anywhere because I was frustrated with the traffic issues, long before I ever got into the car. I was always making statements like,

“Oh god, its rush hour, you can’t get anywhere in this mess.”
“Why can’t people just merge?”
“These damn (fill in the state/city) drivers, how did they ever get their drivers license?”
“People can’t drive in the rain/snow…etc.”

And so on…

Then I became
ENLIGHTENED.

LOL, okay not really but sorta at the same time.

My enlightenment was finding my own guilt of these actions in myself.

My enlightenment came from the realization that everyone on the road was not just a car that was moving to fast or not fast enough, but a human being, with worries, fears, concerns, hope and desires.

My enlightenment came from seeing myself driving ALL these cars.

I realized that I was not a perfect driver.
I realized that I was not a perfect person.
I realized that I was perfectly human.

And with that came mishaps, silliness, stupidity even.
So who was I to cast a stone in the direction of any of my fellow drivers?

Who was I to assume that I knew what was happening in that person’s life to make them swerve the way they did, to zig or zag. To straddle the middle of the road or even slam on the brakes or not see that they needed to merge to exit.

Truth was I have no effing clue what is happening in their lives.
And the reality is that I have made some pretty poor choices behind the wheel in my life.

I am a good driver, a safe driver, a present driver.
For the most part.

But there are plenty of times that I am NONE of these things.

So who am I to cast that stone?

And why am I allowing what is happening in their life to negatively impact my day?

They are not “doing this to me.”
It is not a purposeful act.

And even if it was, it most likely was not for the intent that I believe.

Assumptions are never a good choice.
Giving our power over to others is also never a good choice and that mean’s in this case to become a victim to other people’s driving choices.

They are the drivers of their cars, their lives and they are making choices based on what they feel is best for them in that moment.

Behind the wheel of their car, they are doing what they need to feel like they are getting themselves where they need to be. How they need to be and in the speed they want to get there.

I love traffic!

Traffic carries with it so many life lessons.
Just this morning as I was driving to coffee with a friend I found myself in the center lane, there was this large pick up truck that came up fast on my tale. He had to slam on the breaks and as I looked in the rear-view mirror I saw him hit his steering wheel in frustration of my speed. We were in a 45 MPH zone and I was driving 40 with cars directly in front of me and on both sides.

Traffic was moving comfortably and smoothly.
This man behind me though wanted something different.
He wanted to force his desires onto the traffic and push his way through.

And so he did.
He moved to the left of me and the car in front of him speed up some so he could parallel me, then he decided that if he just leaned into my lane that I should drop my speed and let him in, only issue was that I did not react as fast enough for him, so he got closer to the car he was behind and they went faster, giving him just enough room to push his way between me and the car in front of me. I let off the gas so to not hit him. He quickly got more irritated because he was stuck in the middle lane and the three cars that took up the lanes in front of him were all side by side, driving equal speed’s. He moved himself between the right lane and the center repeatedly, as if saying look at me, I need through.

No one budged.

Finally one car moved to a turn lane and he jumped on the opening and whizzed around the others, only leading to the next snag in the tight but smoothly moving traffic. He continued this process and any opening in traffic allowing him to speed up he did, racing to the line up of cars, where he continued to zig and zag, lean on his horn even and slam his steering wheel in his frustration with traffic not doing what he wanted.

Meanwhile, I remained in the middle lane.
Driving 40mph.
Enjoying the smoothness of traffic and appreciating how I had not hit one red light but instead noticed that the speed I was driving was allowing me to move without stopping almost all the way to my destination.

I was in the FLOW.

It was in this moment that I came upon my first and only red light.
I merged over to the turn lane where I was turning and found myself beside the truck that had spent his whole time zigging and zagging in frustration. There he was flipping the man next to him off in total disgust and slamming his hand on his steering wheel still.

I could not help but just take a breath and smile.
I was not smiling at his frustration and pain,
I was not smiling and thinking, “Ha, that’s what you get.”

No I was smiling because of the lesson.
My lesson.

Just yesterday, my mentor left me a message on voxer reminding me about the importance of FLOW.

The message was to not get caught up in the actions of DOING so much.

To not get caught in the HOW.
To not get caught in the physical ACTIONS.
And the WHAT IS of the now.

But instead to find my soul’s flow and ALLOW it to take me.

I love traffic!

It’s all about FLOW, 
Or lack of it.

While so many zig and zag their way through life,
frustrated at the result they are getting,
those who find their flow,
find their soul.
There heart.
Their purpose.
Their JOY.

And create their own LUCK.
Create their own DESIRED LIFE.

FLOW + Gratitude = F*ck YES Life Creation!!!!

I love traffic!
Don’t You?

And remember,
Stop Existing & Start Living 

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Popcorn Moments

These moments… Popcorn Moments.

 
These moment’s they tend to drive me effing crazy while they are happening.
 
You most likely know the moments.
It is the times when you are focused, determined, aware and taking action,
 
But there is still no pop corn popped.
You can hear the sizzle in the pan of the kernels getting ready.
You can feel the heat of the fire that you have built and keep tending too.
 
You can smell the warming oil.
And feel the excitement of how good it will be when they pop.
 
Yes the yummieness of the fresh pop corn, its buttery flavor, its comfort and simple complexity.
 

Yes you know these popcorn moments.

 
Every time you make your mind up that you are going to
 
Get serious.
Make it happen.
Plant your stake.
Get COMMITTED.
Become more than what/who you are.
Access your FLOW.
And become ABUNDANT.
 
Yes these moments.
 
This is what I am speaking of.
 
And then what happen’s?
 

I will tell you what happen’s…

Your child comes to you and asks if he can purchase a game online. It is only this small amount of funds.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your kid comes to you and ask’s if they can go here or there with a friend and they need just $20, NOW.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You open your refrigerator or pantry and see that it is time to go grocery shopping again, and you feel this drop in your gut.
 
Because you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your friend say’s let’s grab lunch, and you really need away from everything and get excited about the connection and sharing.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
You really need to take a moment for some self-care and get a massage. You have been working so hard, and you know it is almost mandatory for you to do.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 
Your lover snuggle’s up and say’s, “Let’s grab dinner and a movie, go for drinks and chat.” You see the sparkle and turn on in their eye, you feel the need for connection.
 
But you find yourself CLAIMING that you don’t have it.
 

Yes here is what happens.

 
We reach for our goals.
Our dreams and desires.
 
We PROCLAIM that we want them,
That we will DO ANYTHING to achieve them.
 
We send out our rockets of desire and watch as they his they pass through the atmosphere into the hands of God.
 
And then we promptly, swiftly,
 
CLAIM that we don’t have it.
 
It is in our words,
Our actions,
Our thoughts.
 
And all of this makes up our ENERGY.
 
If we are not in the energy of certainty,
the energy of enthusiasm,
the energy of allowing ourselves to receive our desired life.
 
Then can we ever REALLY expect that we will create it.
That the BLESSINGS will come down on us?
 
No, Because it is like looking at that popcorn, sizzling away.
Smelling it getting ready, hearing the kernels in the hot oil.
Even seeing and hearing a few pop,
 

And THEN…

 
Removing it from the heat,
And PROCLAIMING that it was NEVER going to happen.
 
In this we not just take our popcorn off the heat,
we toss it in the trash can.
 
And cry about the waist.
 
We blame the popcorn.
We blame the stove.
We blame the oil.
We say the oil got to hot or not hot enough.
 
And then we land on, ” I did not want popcorn anyway.”
 
Sound familiar?
 
We are all guilty of doing this somewhere.
I write this because I caught myself in my own little popcorn moment this morning.
 
Funny how we sabotage that, that we want so much.
So that we can continue to SETTLE for something less.
 
Our comfort is in the LESS though.
Our SUCCESS is in the MORE.
In the anticipation.
In the waiting with intent.
In the energy of IT IS ALREADY HERE.
 

Where are you coming from this day?

Will you ALLOW your popcorn to pop?

 

And Remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.

Dear God, Please Fix Them…

“Dear God please help heal them so that I will feel better.”

“Dear God please get them to change so that I can feel better.”

 

“Dear God please send your angels down to comfort them so that I can get on with my life, they are bugging me.”

 
Yeah God, can you get on that?
 
Right now, PLEASE!
 
They are not doing what I want.
They are not acting the way that makes me feel good.
They are making choices that make me upset.
 
OMFG!
 
How many times if you get right with yourself do you have to admit that this is exactly what you are meaning when you are praying for someone else, or when you are dealing with a relationship?
 
You may have laughed or found yourself bewildered at my statements above, but if you dare dig into your heart you might be surprised at what you discover.
 
You might have to actually REALIZE that these statements are not far from home for you.
 
I know they are not to far from home for me.
I continuously work at letting go of my need to control a situation and other people’s choices, however I still fall into my ego and catch myself doing just this.
 
I find myself in this pile of sh*t,
a.k.a. DRAMA
 
And then somewhere in the shifting through it I come to realize that I have done it yet again.
 
I went and stuck my nose into someone else’s business or tried to interfere with God’s business.
 
Seem’s goofy, but it is true.

 

If you think you are above this but you:

 
Find yourself worried about the outcome of something,
Find yourself worried or concerned about what choice/action someone else is going to take,
Find yourself sad or in anxiety over a choice or action that someone else did,
Find yourself angry at how someone is not seeing, hearing or understanding you,
Find yourself constantly getting people to show up in your life telling you that you should do this or that,
Or you have constant interactions with people who are, well let’s just call them “haters”

Then GUESS WHAT…

 
You are caught in someone else’s or God’s business.
You are NOT tapping into WHO YOU REALLY ARE.
 
Yesterday, I was on the phone with a young man who I care about, but am very upset with the choices that he has recently made in his life and how they have impacted someone very close to me.
 
I had been requested to reach out to him and hold space, as he was going through some really tough events and needed a “sesh with mom” as it was put to me ( although he is not actually my child, I have the ability to show up and mom him, he will hear it from me).
 
Initially when this request was made of me, I instantly felt myself stepping to ego and thinking to myself, “well he just needs to change because I mad at him for this, this, and this.”
 
I felt VERY JUSTIFIED in my anger toward him too.
Thank goodness for doing your inner work,
because I quickly saw my ego and realized that this was not a reaction from my core, my soul.
 
So I said, yes to the request and asked if there was any insight that I needed before calling him,
 
the response was simple, ” I am going to respect him and let him share everything.”
 
This statement came to me with a gut wrenching feeling and thought that I had no reason to think. It was one of those moments when you find yourself questioning, WHY? would I even think that.
 
Yet, I had this feeling in my gut and this VERY BAD thought of what he was going to share with me. So I texted back the person asking me to hold space for this young man, with okay and I shared quickly what had come into me in that moment. Then said that I prayed I was wrong. The response back gave no answer to my feeling, just said call him.
 
Well, I quickly found out that my feeling and thought were accurate.
 
I had been given a psychic message.
My intuition was dead on correct.
My heart dropped as I listened to the tears, the words and the energy.
 
All my anger still sat there with me for the actions that I was mad about prior, but now I felt deep empathy, compassion and even sadness for what he had been through.
 
My ego tried to creep in here and there with, “Karma is a bitch.”
And perhaps it can be.
 
The truth is that due to a lack of alignment is why this event happened.
It was not punishment.
It was not karma.
It was lack of alignment to himself.
 
And here is the thing…
 
We all get out of alignment.
Matter a fact, many of us are out of alignment MOST OF THE TIME.
 
When we are out of alignment with our core.
Our soul.
Our heart.
we are out of alignment with GOD.
 
From here stems ALL of our pain and suffering.
From here comes our neediness and expectation of others to be some other way to make us happy.
From here comes our sabotage.
From here we finger point, blame, shame and guilt.
From here we reside in ego
NOT in love.
 
When we are in alignment, we can open up to love and compassion.
 
For self and others.
We do not expect ANYONE to fix us,
make us feel someway or another.
 
We do not hate, or even really see the ugliness of humanity.
We see that we are all human.
We see that we are all guilty of all the same shit, just at different levels.
We see our lostness in another.
We see our non-alignment in another.
We see our beauty in another.
We see our divinity in another.
 

No matter how that person is choosing to show up, we see our REFLECTION.

 
I chose to reflect love, compassion, forgiveness and presence for this young man yesterday.
 
I chose to instead of judge and damn, to open my heart and risk.
I chose to instead of shut down and armor up to lean in and hold space.
 
I chose to see myself, feel my pain as well as my GREATNESS and beauty. My fear and trust.
 
In choosing these things,
Perhaps,
just perhaps,
I cracked open a door to healing for this young man.
 
Here is to a day,
a day of living from your heart.
From your core.
From your soul
From alignment.
 

And remember,

Stop Existing & Start Living

Join Kendal TODAY for a F*ck Yes Life experience. Limited time access to 1:1 coaching and online coaching programs to help you master your FREEDOM based life NOW.