AND I CAME CRASHING BACK INTO MY HEART… JUST LIKE THAT.
He grabbed me,
kissed me and pushed me back onto the bed.
I was rambling on and on about my frustration,
my anger. Lost in thought and the mind.
I was distant from him.
Distant from me.
And lost beyond measure.
I could not feel my heart,
in truth I did not even want to right then.
I had been triggered and I was pissed.
Not at him.
At life in general.
My flow had been disrupted,
I had allowed it to happen and I was out of control of my life in that instant. The chaos of kids, work, house and family stirred around me and I just wanted solitude and peace but had no way of obtaining it because inside I was a storm that I had not even slowed to recognize.
And that was what he did.
He slowed me.
He grabbed a hold of me and led me back to my heart.
That space that I was forced into feeling my truth.
That space where I knew I was not alone in this world,
that space where he was not going to let me run from him, from us, from me.
And he passionately took hold of me there.
He moved with clarity, direction and determination.
I tried to fight his lead.
My mouth was rambling, but he kissed me and would not take my ego based words.
I pushed up against him and ran from feeling him physically, mentally, emotionally.
But he tore off my clothes and laid me naked, vulnerable before him. Devouring my flesh like a hungry wild animal and forcing me to come back to him.
Pressing himself into me,
not letting me go.
I fought with myself to feel.
I fought with the urge to physically stop his love at that moment.
Where days before I found myself lost in a trance of our eyes gazing during our sexing, here I lay closing my eyes and wanting to hide.
Hiding from the reveal of my soul.
Hiding from my pain in feeling lost and angry.
Hiding by throwing up my armour and not allowing myself to feel.
Not allowing his intensity to penetrate my core.
My armour was weakening.
And tears fell.
My chest became tense as I attempted to hold back my breaking,
the cracking of my armour, the cracking of my heart and the desire to fully open to his touch, his kiss, his presence, his love.
His breath softly moving across my breast,
my heart beat instensing,
I could feel him.
As I came back to him,
back to us,
he let out the affirming words of, “Yes. yes.yes.”
I knew that he too felt me dropping.
Felt me feeling him.
And as I laid down my armour my pleasure arose.
with mine his came too.
And I was drawn in.
I was seen.
I was held.
I was fulfilled.
And my trust grew.
This is the taking of the feminine that the masculine must learn.
It is in deep love and devotion.
It is in divine leadership and surrender all the saame,
and it is based in soul consciousness.
Often mistaken for control or for a desire to have one’s way,
the difference is in the emotional investment in the moment, in the relationship and the centeredness in self.
The masculine is meant to lead the femeine home to her heart.
And it is the masculine that must remain strong in these moments, strong in love. Not cowering to the feminines fires but standing firm in who they are and in their purpose beyond their mate, beyond their fear or ego or desire to control her fires, but in turn they must handle her with care and passion, clarity and direction. She must feel his leadership as well as his surrender to his own heart to be able to trust him to lead her back to her own.
This is the dance.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ALL THE BETWEENER RELATIONSHIPS…
I am sitting here this cold dreary day in North Texas in total utmost gratitude for all those men that have graced my life with their energy, time, connection, sex and more.
Those men that I have laid in bed with enjoying what seemed like endless pillow talk, laughter and life shares.
Those men that made my heart sink from the loss of their presence in mine.
And for those men that infuriated me, made me feel crazy, were narcissistic, power hungry control freaks but also made me laugh and believe in the moment.
The men who caused me bodily harm.
The men who tried to destroy my dreams, my relationships and my self-esteem.
Yes to all these masculine, I give thanks and honor.
For without them I would not know what I want today in a man, in a life partner.
I would not be aware of my worthiness.
I would not be woken to my greatness as a woman.
And without these men,
I would continue on a path of dancing with “betweeners.”
First let me explain what I mean by “betweener.”
BETWEENER: A relationship that you know is not long lasting or “the one” but you choose to play with for a certain period of time while you figure your shiz out.
Betweener relationships help us heal.
They help us clarify what we want and need in a relationship.
They are educators.
And we ALWAYS, yes always know that they are between “real” relationships because there is something, just something that just does not fit.
Often this comes up in the feelings of:
*not being able to fully commit
*a nagging sense that they are not 100% with you
*insecurity in the relationship
*lack of turn on or passion
*our bodies will act shut down sexually
*we won’t feel safe stating our truth or just doing us
*there is a feeling of this is short term, a second guessing
These are betweener relationships.
Anytime, we know that we are not ready or able to jump into the deep end with someone, then we should get real with ourselves that we are not really aligned to this other person either for a lifemate sorta situation.
Often betweener relationships are lower vibration relationships.
Meaning that we call them into our relationship experience when we are wounded, heart broken or feeling lost in our lives, in who we are as individuals.
They are relationships asking us to accept less than what our heart and soul is desiring for and that most certainly reveals itself in the heart centered connection that we DO NOT have with a betweener.
But thank goodness for these relationships.
No matter how long they last for,
some we end up marrying,
some we date off and on for years,
and some are just flashes in the pan.
However, all of them bring forth great beauty and lessons to us if we so choose to receive them as such.
Knowing that we are co-creators to our reality and life experiences,
taking the responsibility for just that can allow us as individuals to see why each of these people walked into our lives when they did.
Perhaps they were there to help us get firm in a boundary.
Maybe they were there showing us such great beauty and love so that when our soulmate manifested that we could recognize them with greater ease.
Some betweeners, ask us to speak up louder, shine brighter or see our ego’s in more light.
Others ask us to learn how to guard our hearts and honor our truth with self-compassion and respect.
No matter the lesson.
They are powerful educators.
And today I just want to applaud all the “betweeners’ ‘ of my life,
because thanks to you bloaks I know who I am and what I want in a man.
Thanks to you I have done the clarifying of my heart’s desire and learned to slow down and listen with my heart and my intuition.
Which is exactly how we avoid betweeners and recognize “the one” that is right for us.
That soulmate love.
Loving you from this overcast day in Texas.
Remember that you are worthy of a great love.
A true connection of heart, mind, body and soul.
And to have that,
you MUST LISTEN to your Soul GPS.
Your heart and stop disregarding its directional offerings because you fear a life of being alone.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
And Queens who want a Conscious Man 🙂
Conscious Coffee with Kendal – Passion, Commitment and Betweener’s
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And some ladies in the house are ALONE.
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But we may not have the man of our dreams in bed next to us.
That man who is consciously aware,
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Yeah that guy.
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TALK IS CHEAP! AND IT’S PERVASIVE AROUND YOU.
“I am here for you.”
“Let me know what I can do.”
“I got your back.”
“Yeah, I totally agree.”
“I see what’s been happening, where you are at, what you are saying, etc.”
There are so many things that we tell others with little to no meaning behind them.
We speak these statements with good intent often,
but we don’t understand the value of actually following our words up with action. Sometimes the action is just more words of support, or helping one find answers, or just simply holding space for someone who is going through a rocky time in life and needs to have that space. Other times, it means that we need to follow through with supportive action to those words.
Recently in my life I have had an onslauth of what you could say shiz going down in my personal life.
I find myself standing here not thirty days into a new year amazed at everything that has occured over the last ninety days.
Some mornings I wake and find humor in the events,
realizing that you can’t make this shiz up.
Hollywood would pay a mint for the tales I could tell.
And then other days I realize that it’s just life,
my soul wanting to expand who I am and strengthen my vessel so I can become everything I desire and live that unbound beautiful life I know is mine.
And then there are the days that I wake in total frustration.
And I wonder why me?
How much more does God think I can carry?
And WHY do the people in my life not see it? hear it? Why do they just keep wanting more from me in the face of everything else?
No matter how I wake,
what I have been blessed to witness is a reality check in my relationships. Revelations on no matter who we are, we are all human at the end of the day and our humanness when overtaken by our ego is extremely superficial and self-centered, even when we attempt to support and give love.
We blind ourselves and ignore others’ needs and desires, even though we can see what is happening in their lives and how at the end of a string they may be. How close to crashing they truly are.
And we do this NOT because we don’t care or cannot understand,
but because we want what we want for ourselves.
So we act as though we did not see.
We claim they did not communicate clearly.
We say they never told us.
We spout back, “Well I tried but you would not connect, answer, etc.”
YOU WERE NOT CLEAR ON WHAT YOU NEEDED FROM ME.
We push back the blame to the other.
Not wanting to see ourselves and how in these times we disregarded what was right before us with our loved one for the sake of our own self-centered needs and wants.
If we were to get real with our words,
and to honor them and have the self-respect and respect of the other parties as well, we would stand behind our word.
UNDERSTANDING THAT OUR WORD IS EVERYTHING.
This is not just some old school statement that our word makes up our character.
It’s not just a line from Scarface or the Godfather,
John Wayne and Clint Eastwood are not the ones proclaiming the strength of a human is in his words.
But I tell you that our word is all of this.
Our word is OUR CHARACTER CHECK POINT.
Our word is our STRENGTH.
or our weakness.
And when we say that, “I got your back.”
It should not be a light matter.
These words should come with an understanding that in them we are denying the self for another.
That we are willing to sacrifice our short term desires, needs or wants to fully support someone else and to stay aware of what is happening with them and in their lives.
Unfortunately, the majority of the time this is not what will occur.
The reverse is actually true.
We will state that we are supportive,
and then we will take the opportunity to bulldoze over our loved one to get our needs met instead, all the while pretending to be blind to it all. Pretending that if they had just spoken up, made it more clear, done their part that the boundaries would not have ever been crossed.
OUR WORDS ARE OUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Meaning that with them we take responsibility for who we are and our actions and reactions.
Responsibility to being consciously aware of situations, people and what is truly needed despite our self-centered desires to get our own needs and wants met.
THIS IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SUPPORT.
Anything else is empty.
Making our words,
and us as a human weak and untrustworthy.
What do your words say about your character in a relationship?
Want to have deep, committed, trusting and loving relationships in all areas of your life?
Then it’s time to stand behind your words,
and realize they are your strength or your weakness.
Your words are your bond.
Without them you have nothing.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to learn the secrets of a dynamic powerhouse relationship?
Overcome the drama circles and superficial ego based relating game that you are so used to? Reach out to me today for 1:1 opportunities in mentorship now. Limited space.
THE FUTURE IS ALWAYS BRIGHT…. NO MATTER THE SHADOW OF THE MOUNTAIN.
Recently my life partner and I drove up to Pikes Peak in Colorado together. It was bitter cold out, the fresh snow lay everywhere. People flocked to sled and enjoy snow ball fights.
The crisp winter wind felt amazing on my flesh as I stood there looking out over the valley that lay at the base of the peak.
I recall at one moment, standing with my partner’s arms around me. We looked out at the vastness before us,
and I could feel the message of the universe in that moment.
There we were, in the shadow of Pikes Peak, a great mountain blocking the rays of the warm sun, a crisp snowy breeze blowing around us, and we felt limitless in that space.
We felt grounded.
and in love with life.
Clarity in what we wanted and the path that we had chosen together was our guiding light.
Just like the miles that stretched out in front of this mountain were sunstruck, warm and bright, so was our future.
And I was reminded…
That you cannot always pre-map out the journey.
Often great things come unexpected.
YOU WILL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU BELIEVE IS YOURS.
If you believe that your possibilities are limitless,
then they are.
If you believe that you are surrounded and held in love,
then you are.
If you believe that you can live a life of abundance, adventure and joy,
then you can.
The problem is that so often we choose to own our worst nightmares.
We choose to focus in on what we don’t have and accept it as our reality,
we purchase that for our life destination and journey instead of what we claim that we hunger for at our souls level.
And THIS REALITY IS SO THEN.
You may say that you did not plan for all the shit to happen,
that its not in your plan or picture to stand there without a great love in your life,
or to believe that you always lose in love.
You may claim that its not in your agenda to create financial destruction,
the loss of house and home,
divorce, strife and health issues,
but honey, the reality is that you are looking for it.
This time of Covid has proven to me just how many people leap at the opportunity to jump into their victim status,
I see so many people wanting to test positive for the Rona,
” I am sick. I must have the Rone.”
or blaming the economy because of critical times for their financial pictures,
their relationship stress.
Their “inability” to get out and do things,
for their weight gain, poor eating and sluggish habits.
Well if your hidden agenda is to be a victim,
then guess what luv,
YOU WILL BE A MF VICTIM.
And you will stay in the shadow of life,
in the shadow of all those who choose differently.
You will stand there,
and be a spectator to others thriving,
because you planned to be limited by life.
YOU EXPECT TO BE LIMITED.
And you will only ever get as far as you plan.
Or you could open up those plans to the possibilities that YOU ARE IN FACT LIMITLESS.
Unless, that scares you too much, of course.
Because that might require you to step out of the herd,
and grow a pair.
That might demand of you to go digging deeper inside yourself then you have ever gone before.
That might require you to look good and hard at your inner demons ,
those thoughts, fears, desires, and opinions,
that are holding you the f-ck back.
Now granted you can continue down that path you are on,
you can plot it out,
step by step,
and you can prepare for the worst case scenarios in every which way possible,
and you can stand guard.
Pick your MF armour up and be ready to battle life at every perceived turn,
and sure that might not be bad,
if your goal in life is to survive it long enough to die anyway,
and look back at a empty path,
where you retreated and warred with anything that caused you to expand.
With anything that asked you to trust in your heart and soul.
That required you to have it to leap and open your wings.
Sure you can get by like that.
The majority of folks do.
But thats all they do,
And sit there in the land of spectatorship.
Wishing for something more.
Questioning why others always have, do and create.
Not feeling fulfilled.
You could do something a bit differently and step out of the crowd.
You could realize that the valley before you lit up with all that radiant glory,
is yours for the taking.
It will just require you to have a higher perspective on life.
To tap the f-ck into your truth,
and to have enough courage to say F-ck Yes! To You.
This Is not average and ordinary living.
What I am proclaiming and believe is accessible and our right as humans is to live limitless and THRIVE.
That we each are worthy beyond measure of just that.
That our dreams and desires are set before us not to tease us,
not to cause us disappointment in life and self,
or point out our lack or inabilities,
but instead they are put there,
FOR THE TAKING.
They are there because they are rightfully ours to begin with.
They WILL REQUIRE us to become a match to them.
They will require that we step out of our comfort zones.
They will require that we expand,
that we open ourselves up to our limitlessness.
They will without a doubt require that WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT.
And the courage to gain all that we want and feel that depth and level of fulfillment,
well it will only come when we stop standing in the way of our own sunshine as Waldo Emerson said.
Because the reality is….
That most of the mountains that we believe are blocking our path and our great plans,
are only us standing in our own sunshine.
Time to set yourself free baby.
Time to know your truth.
And As Always,
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to make 2021 your year to be limitless?
Let’s get started today with a course change.
Reach out to me about 1:1 opportunities and group events as well.