TRAUMA GREW MY ROSE GARDEN AND GRATITUDE WATERS IT.
Today is a really interesting day for me.
It marks my one year of one of the most traumatic events I have had happen in a relationship so far. It also marks my one year of a massive transformation period, new growth and opportunity blended with trauma and needed healing.
Today I sit here at Starbucks after dropping my youngest son off to his father ( the man I fell out of relationship a year ago today).
It was brutal to drop him off today.
My heart actually still hurts from this mornings exchange.
Our son age four, ran to the back seat of my car as we pulled into daddy’s driveway and he screamed, “I don’t want to go to daddy’s house.” he got so frustrated, clung to the rear seat with all the force his little body could muster and screamed, “No Mommy.”
I grabbed him up, hugged him. Told him that I loved him and that I would see him later today and then he would be back at mommy’s house on Wednesday. He clung to my neck and fought profusely to hold on to me as his father took him out of my arms.
I never wanted any of this for my baby.
I don’t believe that any of us parents ever want this sort of emotional pain on our children. I don’t believe that my ex desires this trauma to come up on our son either.
And yet it still falls here.
Today, I find myself sitting here upset at my son’s pain.
Wishing I could do more for him.
Wishing that us adults who have brought this on him could have communicated better about what we wanted from each other and how we wanted out of our relationship before it came to violence as it did and a nasty, terrorizing breakup that will last a life time for our children emotionally not to mention the physical repercussions that are still being dealt with for myself.
I sit here still wondering how I could not have realized more so as to where my ex was at.
Wondering why he had to act out in violence and rage the way he did one year ago today.
Why it was so important for him to push me and all the children away with such extreme measures.
Why could he just not simply say that he wanted out and we move onto separate paths in peace and harmony, working together for the greatest good of all the children and each other.
I knew he was unhappy in our relationship.
I knew he wanted out.
He did not even desire to want to spend 30 minutes a week with me alone even though this had become a consistent request and desire of mine. He could not stomach to sit by me and watch TV, he wanted nothing to do with cuddling or sex that was two sided, only wanted to get off and be done. Would roll away in disgust after pushing me away like trash after he had reached climax.
He became rageful with friends and emotionally and physically aggressive toward his step-children. He was hateful and I told myself that he was stressed about work, money, health, anything but the truth was what I proclaimed.
The signs were there.
They were in front of my blind eyes and desire to make it all work for us.
The more committed I became to our relationship and requested time and connection,
the more he pushed away in anger.
a year later I see the truth.
I see his pattern that he had to enforce.
I see the pain that he must be in.
And I am grateful that even though that was a brutal time and experience,
even though there is still much healing that needs done for self and children.
I am grateful that I never lost who I was,
I never lost love,
I never lost my family or friends,
and I can do the healing and I understand at a deep level the power of emotions,
the importance of knowing self and NOT hiding from myself and feelings.
I am grateful that I was given a powerful opportunity last year to stand up and be 100% me.
The last year has offered me so many blessings that would have never come about had he not caved to his patterns and needs to push love away, to push so hard that he was the one to be abandoned in the experience by everyone. To repeat the trauma from his youth. And to create an experience that supported his belief that the feminine always leaves him.
I see now how he had to push that hard.
I am too stubborn to leave when I still love.
I believed it could be fixed,
I believed that he was not lying when he said that he loved me more than anyone else.
I strangely believed in us and in him.
today I stand in gratitude for the 7 years of learning,
of experience and growth,
for the birth of my two youngest angels that i would not trade for anything.
Today I stand here in gratitude for his push.
Busted up body and everything,
it was worth it.
Because I found my true strength.
I found my heart.
And tapped into allowing myself, to be me without needing another.
There is great beauty in the darkest of clouds if you allow yourself to see it and you allow time to step you back far enough to see the whole sky and it’s beauty.
Life is one BIG TRUST EXERCISE.
I am reminded of the trust and faith that I had to muster up at one of my lowest, scariest points in life so far.
Today, I choose to focus on that reminder.
To focus on the gratitude and the opportunities that have come from this event, like any event in our lives.
Today I choose to look at my blessed life.
The steady massive love that I experience from family, friends and the wonderful man I have in my life currently.
The AMAZING tribe that I have developed and all the growth that I am seeing in my business and life.
The wealth of connection, joy and the laughter that resides in my home daily that was not there a year ago or before.
My creativity at an all time high.
The beauty and bounty that is in each step on this journey.
Today I want to say THANK YOU to the man that tossed me to the side last year, who tried to destroy me and all that we had built together.
From that rubble grew a rose garden.
MY ROSE GARDEN.
Thank you for my pain.
Thank you for my suffering.
Thank you for the trauma.
Thank you for the goodbye.
I am so effing happy with my life TODAY!
My question to you that I share this with today is,
what are you doing with your trauma, drama and pain? Does it hold you back or build you up?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
It’s time that you start to say YES to the most important person in the room beautiful. It’s time that you accept your worth, and step onto this path that your SOUL is calling you too.
I know how hard the steps may appear.
I know that you are fearful, that you doubt if you have what it takes to make this shiz happen for you or not.
But I promise you that YOU can do it.
You can have it.The first step though is to recognize that you must let go and have faith in your process of getting there.
Listen to your SOUL and follow it’s lead.
Imagine having a coach who has been on a similar path guide you, help you discover the deeper meanings of what soul is wanting you to know.
What would it feel like to have that sort of support and guidance?
You can have this.
Message me for deet’s on 1:1 Private mentoring and coaching today.
Why I always called my ex-husband after having HIGH VIBE sex….
Okay today I am going to share an intimacy tale with you that I have shared with very few, but it is time for me to be vulnerable and share this as so often we are guilty of doing this very thing in different ways.
Let me paint you a picture.🌃
” My hands take his face and pulls him close for a kiss that not only is connective but penetrates my heart and soul. Our breath intertwines in this moment and becomes one. I can feel our souls dancing in this celebration of love and my body opens to him. My legs soften and open wider, my pelvis tilts as I pull him in. I can feel him enter me and we both gasp with pleasure from the sensation that pours through our beings, the sensation of coming home.
He moves his body in gentle thrusts while holding me. Hand in my hair, hand on my hip. My hips and whole body fluidly moves with each of his thrusts as we gaze deeply into each others eyes, amazed at how connected we are; how our hearts long to orgasm into rapture with each other. He presses deeper into my pussy as though he want to touch my heart with his cock. His pelvis rubs on my clit, his breath comes down on my neck and with each stroke I feel myself surrendering at intense levels. My pussy now wants to devour him, wants to swallow him as she pulls him to the deepest levels possible and the head of his cock rubs gently on my cervix.
Minutes turn into hours, orgasmic waves roll through my whole being and force me into greater ecstasy as he fiercely but gently fucks me open. Here we are two flesh’s, two hearts, two souls yet married together through our sexing. The spiritual dance and penetration that we give to each other is untouchable. Our breathing becomes united, my pussy clenches then pushes, quivers then squirts its sweet amrita. His cock becomes harder in these moments and the vibrations of his love expand out and penetrate my pelvis. I can feel the intensity of his love and the orgasmic energy coming up my spine. He pulls me in, holds my hands down and firmly whispers his demand in my ear, “ Give me your orgasm.“
“Give me your orgasm. Give it to me. I want to feel you cum on my cock.”
My body quivers, my breathing becomes short and tense for a moment. The building of climax that was there, is now at its peak. I can feel the sharpness of orgasm trying to escape from my clit as he rubs across it. My nipples are swollen and his chest hair is almost to much sensation, but as they tickle my flesh the shaking of my thighs and pussy bursts into bliss. Air is released from my mouth, my chest softens, my hands drop down to the bed and he continues to stroke.
Each stroke although soft and delicate in this moment does not let me relax but keeps my orgasm in a soft wave where he can play me like an instrument beneath him to his will and desire. Where he can command me with his divine masculine to give him my orgasm. Over and over again, he strokes me into submission.”
Okay so you get the picture, right?
It was hot.
It was intense.
It was f-cking AMAZING!
It was passionate, present, INTIMATE and HIGH VIBE!
So much so that with this particular lover,
we were in such alignment,
the love was so deep and penetrative,
we had many moments where the smell of roses would waft up from our love making as though were making love in a bed of them.
Not a rose in sight…🌹🌹🌹
~That is HIGH VIBE SEX~
Now here is where things get interesting though.
Here is where I sorta loose my mind.
After such a deeply intimate high vibe experience with my lover,
for a few years I felt drawn to call my ex-husband while driving home from my lovers house back to mine.
it was no matter the hour of the day or night,
I would find myself being guided off to call my ex.
Logically I would tell myself,
“You are on top of the world right now. You need to check in with him in regards to the children or what have you ANYWAY, and RIGHT NOW nothing can get you down. You can handle his low energy, and can maybe even give him a positive boost. Call.”
And so I would call him.
And we would speak. And we would talk about what ever.
He quickly picked up on the fact that I was calling after being with this particular lover who would have my heart and soul hanging from the heavens in ecstasy and I think he got to a point where he consciously allowed himself to bask in that turned on, pumped up HIGH VIBE I was offering.
But what it took me a few years to grasp was WHY I was being called to reach out to him after having these powerful emotional, sexual, energetic experiences with my lover?
You see, after I got about three quarts of the way in on a phone call to my ex-husband, my HIGH VIBE would not be nearly as HIGH.
My turned on state would not be turned on, it would be maybe comfortable, happy but not ecstatic any longer.
My focus, my clarity and creativity that the love making had opened up to me would dissipate.
I was in an essence GIVING MY POWER.
MY TURNED ON ENERGY.
MY HIGH VIBE away for free to him.
So why would I do this?
I did it because as much as I enjoyed all that I was feeling,
all the creative flow and open heartedness. The spiritual alignment.
I was UNCOMFORTABLE holding this energy in my being.
It was still foreign to feel so good.
I almost had shame wrapped up around my feel good.
Guilt in the fact that I was so happy, turned on, orgasmic.
As though I did not deserve it.
And because FEELING GOOD was so hard to hold in my body, I did what I had to do to get back into my comfort zone. I drained myself.
And this is the point I want to share with you today.
So often we humans are more comfortable with LOW VIBE than HIGH VIBE.
We may question ourselves or others as to,
“Why are you so happy?”
We make statements such as,
“What have you been smoking?”
If someone brags a little too much about themselves or shows a little too much pride in something of theirs our response is,
“Think much of yourself?”
We have been programmed to believe that being to happy,
being in love with ourselves,
being proud of ourselves,
Thus when we access these higher levels of vibration,
energy, emotion, alignment,
we feel uncomfortable.
We look for what is wrong with it.
We expect the bottom to drop out.
For it to be hoax.
It cannot be right, true or our norm.
And so, before we can experience a let down.
Before it is taken from us.
We subconsciously look for ways to off set it.
To level ourselves out.
When if we wanted to grow ourselves,
to be more comfortable in HIGH VIBE,
and live an ecstatic life,
that F-ck YES! Life I am always preaching about,
what one would need to do,
would instead of letting the energy out in some way,
would be to HOLD the experience.
Hold the FEELING.
Hold the EMOTION.
Hold the DESIRE to SHARE.
Build up your ENERGETIC Muscles you could say.
GROW your SPIRITUAL BODY.
And in growing your spiritual body and energetic muscles,
you get more and more comfortable with HIGH VIBE Living.
You grow to expect it.
To desire it.
And guess what?
You start to manifest more of it.
Because it becomes your norm.
And whatever your normal is,
Is exactly what you get more of.
Because it is what you expect to get.
Where are you draining your HIGH VIBE?
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Why are you settling for a small lifeless life? Are you sitting back night after night, watching Netflix and the news, playing games on Facebook and scrolling through your feed, wishing that you knew what to do and how to achieve something MORE. In the back of your mind is there a small voice whispering that it is possible, but the world around you is screaming that it is absurd to want anything other than what you already have?
So do you continue on with your lifeless life and allow the beauty of what could be, to be stripped away from your soul yet another year?
Living for the weekends.
Living for the holidays.
Living for that 2 weeks of vacation.
Living for the 5 o’clock hour where we can dart off to our local little watering hole and sit with others who are in the same constricting shoes of this life.
This is NOT Orgasmic Freedom Based Living!
This sure the effing is NOT!
We have grown so comfortable to reside here in hell. We actually have brainwashed ourselves to BELIEVE that this is what living is. We have come to terms with the supposed facts of this delusional state of existing and many of us have no clue how to live outside of this illusion.
So we sign another year long lease and get comfortable in our suffering.
It does not have to be this way though. At any given moment in time we have the ability and choice to WAKE THE F*CK UP! and choose differently. God gave us free will so that we could overcome the evils of this land. The only thing asked of us is to BECOME CONSCIOUS. This is the only step needed to turn the corner to a new life and RECEIVE all the blessings that you crave.
YES! all you have to do to live in orgasm every day and in every moment is to become conscious and choose differently.
You must choose the higher ground which is the ground of not accepting a small life. Not accepting AVERAGE and ORDINARY. Not accepting what the evils of the world would have you believe is living.
*Thank you Photographyinwonderland. for the photoshoot
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
The comment that rings loud to me from today is, “You can see who is in integrity. You cannot manifest over $22k overnight if you are not!”
Yes this comment.
So true is the statement that I knew I had to share it.
If you question WHY things are not happening for you in your manifestation process,
look no further than your integrity.
Integrity is key.
It is integrity with soul.
It is integrity with God.
And it is integrity with the world around us and the people in our lives.
We cannot manifest at the levels of blessing that we are intended to out of integrity unless we do so with a darkness attached which will only posses us somewhere down the road.
And cast ill karma onto our lives.
If you want clean manifestation that comes with ease and massive flow,
then you must not try and by pass the key component of integrity.
You must stand clear within yourself.
Clear within your relations with others.
You must listen to your soul and stop the actions of ego.
It may seem like it would be an easy thing to do.
all you are being asked to do is to stand in your own truth and speak it. Act it. and show up for and in it.
But the reality is that we humans love drama.
We are addicted to drama.
And we bask in our suffering.
It may sound sick,
and it is.
However, it still is human nature to do just this.
So we create our stories,
we share our tales,
and we devour the attention they bring us.
never realizing that we are sacrificing all of our dreams and desires,
our souls mission,
for this fraction of “feeling alive” through self created drama for attention.
Sad but true.
Many a time,
we find ourselves acting from the place of our inner fearful, self-centered bratty twelve year old state.
We throw our fit.
We beg for understanding.
We stop and we demand.
We point fingers in blame.
And we tell more tales in hopes of gaining a compassionate ear.
Weaving these tales until we can no longer find ourselves,
we continue on this spinning drama cycle where when we finally stop to breathe,
we meet reality.
The harsh back hand of reality swings over our lives and screams for us to wake up.
Our world has crumbled.
We are in the wreckage alone.
The power is still ours.
It has always been ours.
But we must face our addiction,
we must put down the need to feed on the drama.
If we ever want the opportunity to manifest the blessings that God wants for our lives.
Here we stand.
Here we weep.
Here we must come,
battered and bruised from the wounding of the drama we self- inflicted and the lessons we refused to handle in love and grace.
The answer has not changed.
The answer still remains.
Integrity is key.
Standing strong in it we create our blessings.
We manifest our desired life.
Our F-ck Yes Life!
And we smile.
Without it we fall.
Our world crumbles with every touch of our hand.
And we weep in not understanding.
Not understanding that all we ever had to do was be in our truth,
step into our soul alignment.
And live from here.
Will you step into it with me?
Will you embrace your self blessing power?
Or will you turn away and continue to wonder why?
Stop Existing & Start Living
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Embrace Your Power – Claim Your Life
“5 Step’s to a Freedom Based Life”