He asked if I would get on birth control for him.
We were really clicking.
OMFG! it was hot and I wanted him so badly.
I wanted to move forward and I wanted to explore the sex.
But I did not want any more children.
I had five children already and I was not interested in having any more at this point,
especially not risking it this early in the game of a new relationship.
Plus, even though something inside of me truly trusted that this man was clean,
I knew that you just never know,
and disease is a serious thing.
Weeks went by and the desire for each other grew as the days passed. Finally I decided that I trusted him enough to go bare with him in sex and that I “should” just make sure that no babies came from this,
so I went and got myself on the pill.
I had not been on birth control for the last 5 plus years, my system was clear of anything of the sort and I was feeling good. I felt emotionally stable after having one of the lowest points in my life in a deep dive into depression prior to getting off of birth control. My body was strong and I felt great in my skin. My health was awesome.
What could go wrong?
I wanted this man.
I wanted this sex,
The intimacy of bare sex.
And so why not make sure to guard us against the one thing that I knew we did not want.
I got on the pill.
Everything seemed normal enough for a few months.
No big red flags waving.
My moods were normal, nothing too rocky.
No weight gain or fatigue.
But then I crossed over the 90 day mark.
Then I felt weepy.
Depression was setting in again.
Weight started to slowly come on,
just a few poundss but I noticed it.
And my desire for sex,
the reason I had decided to start taking birth control again anyway,
yeah the desire for it was dwindling.
I was feeling each day more lost in who I was.
I felt the mask I had worked so hard at letting go of,
being picked back up again.
Now instead of laughing authentically and enjoying my life,
I found myself working ever so hard just to maintain composture and not get mad or cry for no reason.
My emotions were out of control.
I felt like I had time lapsed back a decade and I could not figure out what was happening or why.
Never did I think it was the birth control.
Months went by.
My sex dried up.
I was no longer the woman that he met,
and I also found myself to not be attracted to him any longer.
It was like we were completely different people,
and I for one was for sure.
The once beautiful possibility of a lovely relationship came to an end and I found myself bouncing around with a few other quick flings,
searching for the woman that I had lost somewhere along the line and wondereing why I was attracting these men that I really did not care for but seemed drawn too.
then I stoped taking the birth control.
I committed to my health and well being and I decided that if I were involved with someone sexually that I could just use a condom and not rely on this hormone imbalancer.
Not long there after I went in for my pap-smear and was told of cells on my cervix that were irregular.
The doctor let me know her concern of what this could mean.
I did some deep detoxing and investigating on what I could do to naturally irradicate these irregular cells.
I discovered that there was ton’s of studies done on birth control and the links to different types of cancer and cell mutation.
In my research I found out that it took up to 2-years to clear your system of birth control. To my plesent surprise I I was blessed with a clean bill of health again after crossing over the two year mark from taking the pill.
PLUS, guess who was back in her own flesh.
Emotionally stable again.
And turned on,
plus able to have good orgasms again.
Yes! I was back.
And for the first time in my adult years I had fully digested the connection between how delicate my hormones were and how easily they could be set off,
causing massive issues from depression and lack of desire, to actual cancer.
PLUS, I discovered the science showing how birth control can and does change who we are attacked too. Explaining why so often we find ourselves with someone that we typically would not be attracted too without the extra hormones in our system.
And my question came,
“Why would a man who loves a woman ever desire to put her into this situation just so he did not have to wear a condom?”
“Why woudl a woman take this sort of risk with her health?”
“Why would we willingly put something in our bodies that could change who we are attacted too and expect it not to make that big of a difference in our relationship success?”
“Why is this never spoken of? Not made public knowledge when the facts are out there and not that hard to discover?”
The answer is simple,
We just don’t know.
We have not been informed.
And we have been focused on population not on health.
An educated person will gaurd against having unwanted children and at the same time will want what is best for their own health and well being as well as their partners, as well as wanting to be attracted to people that are a match for them verses the opposite.
But the education is not there.
And the desiree to inquire,
to seek out the truth is spoken of often but hardly ever followed.
Today I ask you to STOP the insanity of living blind in your sex and relationships and to actually inquire, witness and do your work or learning yourself, and knowing what is good for you as well as those you merge with.
This is maturity.
As Always Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers’
Message me for deets on 1:1 coaching and education today.
MY INTIMACY SHARE ON CURRENT FAMILY LIFE BLESSINGS- FROM A MOTHERS HEART – WHAT I HAVE LEARNED
Feeling in love this morning as I get ready for the day and the next two weeks of adventure. I am in gratitude for the lessons and experiences of my past,
as without them I would not appreciate that which is with me today in my relationships, lifestyle, and being. It is so obvious to me how easy it is to take things for granted until we are faced with the not having them and sometimes we have to go through great suffering to appreciate that which our heart desires.
The simple little things mean so much.
It’s the smile from your child when they see you walk in the door.
It’s the warm embrace from your partner for no reason.
It’s the kind acts of service, no matter how small that show such care.
It’s the time taken for a conversation without attention to some device.
It’s the snuggling before bed or the good morning kiss.
When Levi makes me breakfast unexpectedly my heart smiles and I feel so blessed.
Every day when Zach chooses to stop in and chat with me before going home, I feel blessed.
When Sam comes and shares her awe over Dameion’s newest milestones or just sits and has a beautiful deep conversation with me about women-hood, I feel blessed.
When Rebekah comes in and shares her latest mommy experience or challenge, or when she just walks up to me and gives me a big hug and say, “I love you., ” I feel blessed.
When Jules asks to go out with me for whatever reason but I can tell she actually needs to just have a moment with mom to share something happening and is uncertain how else to ask for it, I feel blessed.
When Zak Miller, rounds the corner in my house and walks over to me and gives me a big hug before anything else or sits and talks from his beautiful heart, I feel blessed.
When Eniqueo and I tease each other and we laugh, or we compete in love over a good game of darts, I feel blessed.
When Gabe, wakes up in the morning and snuggles next to me and says, “I want you to be my snuggle buddy.” or rushes to help me do something without being asked, I feel blessed.
When Rowan grabs me and hugs so tight I can barely breathe and claims me all for himself, ” My mommy!” or takes my hand and asks me to read him a story and snuggle, I feel blessed.
When Kia, Andrew and J storm in my home and run to me with smiles and big hugs, I feel blessed.
When Dameion looks with his big eye’s up at me while I am feeding him his bottle and smiles while slurping back his milk, I feel blessed.
When Steve stops everything he is doing because he noticed that something was not right with me without me saying anything and gives me a hug or when he does all the little things that are actually big things to take things off my table, I feel blessed.
When I catch that mental snapshot of a moment that is awe inspiring of my family connecting and loving, laughing and being them, I feel blessed.
My life is so crazy busy.
My life has so many beautiful souls,
these that I shared a fragment of what I am blessed by and so many other dear friends and sister/brother souls who just light up my world with them just being in it and choosing to share pieces of their life with me.
It is mornings like this morning,
that I am reminded that life has not always been like this.
Life has always been full,
and there is always drama.
But not that very long ago,
my children wanted to be around me but the energy in our home was not supportive.
The laughter and joy,
the deep connective moments,
the family enviroment,
the thought to another,
the connection between myself and my partner,
the love that I so badly wanted to feel,
it was not there.
It was vacant.
And my heart hurt because of it.
My children suffered for the lack of it.
And my lesson is to never settle for so little of such a valuable thing again.
One of the biggest blessing that our lives can have is the blessing of connection.
The blessing that people,
the people that we cherish want to be with us,
From my blessed mama heart to yours,
appreciate your blessings and put your focus on them.
They are what make life so beautiful.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Been thinking about your happiness and success?
Wanting to SAY YES! To Yourself?
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