Body Hack To IncreaseTestosterone

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Phthalates: New Study Finds Common Chemicals May Lower Testosterone Levels

Many common household chemicals are known to act as endocrine disruptors, a number of which are found in plastic products. These chemicals are similar in structure to natural sex hormones, thereby interfering with their normal functions.

The glands of your endocrine system and the hormones they release influence almost every cell, organ, and function of your body. It is instrumental in regulating mood, growth and development, tissue function, metabolism, as well as sexual function and reproductive processes.

Last year, the World Health Organization (WHO) released a report that suggested banning endocrine-disrupting chemicals (EDCs) may actually be needed to protect the health of future generations.1 According to the report:

“The diverse systems affected by endocrine-disrupting chemicals likely include all hormonal systems and range from those controlling development and function of reproductive organs to the tissues and organs regulating metabolism and satiety.

Effects on these systems can lead to obesity, infertility or reduced fertility, learning and memory difficulties, adult-onset diabetes or cardiovascular disease, as well as a variety of other diseases.”

Phthalates, or “plasticizers,” are one group of endocrine-disrupting chemicals used to make plastics like polyvinyl chloride (PVC) more flexible and resilient. They’re one of the most pervasive of the endocrine disrupters, and a new study has linked them to a very concerning health effect: lower testosterone levels.

Phthalates Exposure Linked to Lower Testosterone

Phthalates and other endocrine disrupters are nicknamed “gender-benders” because they appear to be causing the males in many species to become feminized.

For instance, the more a pregnant woman is exposed to high levels of phthalates, the greater the risk her son will have smaller genitals and incomplete testicular descent, leading to impaired reproductive development.

The chemical also appears to make the overall genital tracts of boys slightly more feminine. It is believed that phthalates have these adverse effects because they reduce testosterone synthesis by interfering with an enzyme needed to produce the male hormone.

New research supports this notion, as it showed reduced levels of circulating testosterone were associated with increased phthalate exposure in several key populations. Specifically, the study found higher levels of phthalates were associated with:

  • 24-34 percent decline in testosterone levels in boys aged 6 to 12
  • 11-24 percent decline in testosterone levels among women aged 40 to 60
  • Significant decline in testosterone levels among men aged 40-60

For the last five decades, declines in testosterone levels among men have been noted, along with a rise in related health problems, such as reduced semen quality and genital deformities in newborn boys.2 According to the researchers:3

“[The study] may have important public health implications, since low testosterone levels in young boys can negatively impact reproductive development, and in middle age can impair sexual function, libido, energy, cognitive function and bone health in men and women.

…[the findings] support the hypothesis that environmental exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals such as phthalates could be contributing to the trend of declining testosterone and related disorders.”

What Are the Health Risks of Low Testosterone?

Testosterone is the male sex hormone produced by a man’s testicles, and to a lesser degree, in smaller amounts, by the ovaries in women. While testosterone is stereotypically associated with virility, it also plays a role in maintaining muscle mass, bone density, red blood cells, and a general sense of well-being.

Low testosterone during infancy and childhood is especially dangerous. During fetal development, low testosterone can lead to incomplete formation of the sex organs (or a genetically male child that is born with female or ambiguous genitals) and during puberty it may permanently affect growth and development. In boys, this may lead to:4

  • Decreased development of muscle mass
  • Impaired growth of the penis, testicles, and body hair
  • Lack of deepening of the voice
  • Excessive growth of arms and legs in relation to the trunk of the body
  • Development of breast tissue

Beginning around age 30, a man’s testosterone levels begin to decline, and continue to do so as time goes on—unless you proactively address your lifestyle. But, as mentioned, chemical exposures (including prescription drugs like statins as well as phthalates) may accelerate this process. Symptoms of declining testosterone levels in adults include:

  • Decreased sex drive
  • Erectile dysfunction and/or problems urinating
  • Depression and possibly increased risk of heart disease
  • Difficulties with concentration and memory
  • Weight gain and/or breast enlargement

Phthalates Exposure Is Widespread in Children, Pregnant Women, and Others

If your home contains soft, flexible plastic flooring, such as vinyl or those padded play-mat floors for kids (often used in day cares and kindergartens, too), there’s a good chance it is made from phthalate-containing polyvinyl chloride (PVC). Along with common uses in PVC flooring, phthalates are also commonly found in toys, food packaging, shower curtains, plastic medical equipment, household cleaners, cosmetics, and personal care products.

According to a report by Environment and Human Health, Inc. (EHHI), studies have shown women of childbearing age have significantly higher phthalate exposures than other adults (could this be because they also use the most cosmetics, which also contain phthalates?), and the chemical has been detected in 100 percent of pregnant women tested.5

It’s known that fetal exposure to phthalates is closely related to maternal exposure, so many, if not all, babies are starting out with exposure in the womb. In childhood, children are further exposed to phthalates in consumer products ranging from toys, pacifiers, and food packaging to personal care products and crawling on vinyl flooring.

The chemicals are known to be a major source of indoor air pollution as well, as they are emitted from numerous household goods, including not only flooring but also furniture, upholstery, mattresses and wall coverings. Phthalates have even been detected in infant formula and baby food, likely because they migrated from the packaging materials, and premature babies get a particularly rough start due to the high concentrations of phthalates they’re exposed to in the plastic medical equipment used during neonatal intensive care. With each plastic tube that a newborn is hooked up to, the rate of phthalate exposure increases.

And for those premature infants who spend weeks and months in the neonatal intensive care unit, the exposure levels can be extraordinary. EHHI found that male infants exposed to phthalates through medical procedures are most at risk of suffering health effects,6 which include excessive inflammation. Inflammation is known to trigger a number of diseases in premature babies, including a chronic lung disorder known as bronchopulmonary dysplasia and necrotizing enterocolitis, a serious intestinal condition. In addition, phthalate exposure has also been linked to:

Disturbed lactation Decreased dysgenesis syndrome: A syndrome involving cryptorchidism (undescended testicles), hypospadias (birth defect in which opening of urethra is on the underside of the penis instead of at the end), and oligospermia (low sperm count), and testicular cancer
Interference with sexual differentiation in utero Enlarged prostate glands
Impaired ovulatory cycles and polycystic ovary disease (PCOS) Numerous hormonal disruptions
Early or delayed puberty Breast cancer and uterine fibroids

12 Ways to Minimize Your Family’s Exposure to Phthalates

Anything you can do to lower your, and your children’s, exposure to plasticizing chemicals like phthalates will help to protect your health. Top tips to consider include:

  1. Choose toys made from natural materials (or at least only buy those made from phthalate-free plastic).
  2. When redoing your home, look for “green,” toxin-free alternatives in lieu of regular paint and vinyl floor coverings.
  3. Replace your vinyl shower curtain with one made of fabric or better yet install glass shower doors.
  4. Switch over to natural brands of toiletries such as shampoo, toothpaste, and cosmetics.
  5. Check your home’s tap water for contaminants and filter the water if necessary. You may also want to use an alternative to PVC pipes for your water supply.
  6. Avoid using artificial air fresheners, dryer sheets, fabric softeners, scented candles, or other synthetic fragrances and perfumes.
  7. Store your food and beverages in glass rather than plastic, and avoid using plastic wrap.
  8. Avoid processed foods (many are packaged in phthalate-containing packaging) and instead focus your diet on fresh, organic, and locally grown whole foods.
  9. Breastfeed your baby exclusively if possible, for at least the first year (as you will avoid phthalates exposure from infant formula packaging and plastic bottles/nipples). The WHO determined this would save 1 million infants EVERY year.
  10. If you use baby bottles, use glass, not plastic.
  11. Use only natural cleaning products in your home.
  12. Teach your children not to drink water from the garden hose, as many are made with phthalate-containing plastics.

You Can Raise Your Testosterone Levels Naturally

If you’re concerned that your testosterone levels are low, due to chemical exposures or otherwise, please think carefully before considering testosterone therapy. There are studies showing that testosterone therapy can be quite helpful and beneficial, but that’s in men who actually have very low testosterone. Lacking energy and sex drive does not automatically mean you have severe testosterone deficiency warranting taking this hormone. Much of the widespread “low T” advertising is merely a PR strategy to sell an expensive treatment. In 2012, prescription testosterone gels generated over $2 billion in US sales.

Abbott Laboratories alone spent $80 million on seductive direct-to-consumer advertising for its testosterone product AndroGel that same year. Your dropping energy levels may be an indication of low testosterone… or they could be an indication that you’re eating too much processed food. Perhaps you’re not exercising enough, or failing to address chronic stress or lack of sleep. All of these are critical factors not only in your overall health, but also in your hormonal health, the latter of which your body has an ability to optimize naturally, even as you age. For instance, testosterone (and human growth hormone, or HGH) are boosted in response to short, high-intensity exercises. I personally do not take any hormone or prohormone supplements.

Instead, I’ve been doing Peak Exercises for more than four years, and now, in my late 50s, my testosterone and HGH levels are still in the normal ranges for a young adult male without the aid of ANY prescriptions, hormones, and hormone precursor supplements. Weight training will also have a beneficial impact on your testosterone levels. When you use strength trainingfor this purpose, you’ll want to increase the weight and lower your number of reps. Focus on doing exercises that work a wider number of muscles, such as squats or dead lifts. You can take your workout to the next level by learning the principles of Super-Slow Weight Training.

Whole body vibration training using a Power Plate is yet another effective ancillary method. While high intensity exercise is perhaps the most effective strategy to raise your testosterone levels, your diet also plays a critical role. First of all, if you’re overweight, research shows that simply shedding the excess pounds may increase your testosterone levels.7 Testosterone levels also decrease after you eat sugar. This is likely because sugar and fructose raise your insulin level, which is another factor leading to low testosterone. Ideally, keep your total fructose consumption below 25 grams per day.

If you have insulin resistance and are overweight, have high blood pressure, diabetes, or high cholesterol, you’d be well advised to keep it under 15 grams per day. I’ve detailed a step-by-step guide to eating right to optimize your health and hormone levels in my nutrition plan. Another effective strategy for enhancing testosterone (and HGH) is intermittent fasting. It helps boost testosterone by improving the expression of satiety hormones, like insulin, leptin, adiponectin, glucagon-like peptide-1 (GLP-1), cholecystokinin (CKK), and melanocortins, which are linked to healthy testosterone function, increased libido, and the prevention of age-induced testosterone decline.

Nutritional Supplements to Support Healthy Testosterone Levels

There are also nutritional supplements that can address some of the symptoms commonly associated with low testosterone. Some may even help boost your testosterone levels as well. These include:

  • Saw palmetto. Besides addressing symptoms of low testosterone, this herb may also help to actually increase testosterone levels by inhibiting up-conversion to dihydrotestosterone.8 When choosing a saw palmetto supplement, you should be wary of the brand, as there are those that use an inactive form of the plant. According to industry expertDr. Rudi Moerck, what you want is an organic supercritical CO2 extract of saw palmetto oil, which is dark green in color.
  • Astaxanthin in combination with saw palmetto. There is also solid research indicating that if you take astaxanthin in combination with saw palmetto, you may experience significant synergistic benefits. A 2009 study published in theJournal of the International Society of Sports Nutrition found that an optimal dose of saw palmetto and astaxanthin increased testosterone.9
  • Ashwagandha. This ancient Indian herb is known as an adaptogen, which can help boost stamina, endurance, and sexual energy. Research published in 2010 found that men taking the herb Ashwagandha experienced a significant increase in testosterone levels.10 I recommend using only 100% organic Ashwagandha root, free of fillers, additives, and excipients to ensure quality.

The bottom line is this: maintaining an optimal balance of natural hormones in your body is crucial at all life stages. For children and women of childbearing age, particular focus on minimizing your exposures to endocrine-disrupting chemicals like phthalates is important to protect healthy hormonal balance during critical stages of growth and development. As an adult, minimizing exposure to such chemicals is still important, but so is optimizing your body’s natural ability to maintain a proper hormonal balance, and that is done, primarily, via your healthy lifestyle.

Written by Dr. Mercola

Original Article on mercola.com

 

Why I Pay My Wife for Sex…

sexy-woman

Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.

I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days.  But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?

The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.

I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.

I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.

I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.)  She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.

Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.

Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.

I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.

We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.

Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was  born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.

Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.

Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.

I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.

Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.

I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.

—by  Original Post on Good Men Project

Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf

– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-pay-my-wife-for-sex-dg/#sthash.vtTU4kD8.dpuf

7 Tips to Extra Steamy Blindfold Sex

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There I stood before the door. It was closed and I had no idea what possibly could be awaiting me on the other side. My lover looking me in the eye while he asked, “Are you ready?” Yes I nodded as my stomach clenched a tad. Even with all my trust and love in this man I still found my heart beat pattering a bit faster then normal and my palms sweating.

He opened the door and all I could see was a beautiful space that he had prepared. Our Sacred Space Mat was on the floor, candles lit, flowers adorned the room. There was a small box that sat to the side that had something in it but I could not tell what it was from where I was standing. Leaning down he picked up a glass of wine that he had poured and offered it o me. As I sipped it he reached into the box and pulled out a blindfold. Turning to me, he asked permission to put it on me.

Yes, of course I answered.

Softly he placed it around my head and made sure that my eyes could see no light. Taking the wine from my hand he gently kissed me and asked me to put my hands behind my back.

I could hear the cling of the chains as he pulled them from the box. My heart pounded a bit faster now and my pussy throbbed in anticipation of what this adventure play would result in.
These were not just any chains, these were specially crafted hand cuffs with soft plush fur to wrap around the wrists attached to chains that could be connected to a bed post or each other as restraints.

Making sure that my hands were properly secured behind me, he placed a strawberry in my mouth and kissed my lips while teasing my breasts with his fingers. Taking his kisses softly and slowly down my neck, over my shoulder and onto my back he now encouraged me to go down on my knees before him. I hoped that my mouth would soon be greeted with his divine manhood so that I could suckle at him for a bit but without any warning his gentle touch twisted into a firmly controlled handle on my flesh as he bent me over onto a pillow, moved my legs apart and pulled on the chains as he attached them to some stationary item.

Feeling completely vulnerable in this position I found myself having moments of thought that made me question what I was doing, how strong my trust was and if this was even pleasurable. But all my questioning quickly ended as my focus was drawn to my clit and vulva where his fingers danced. Stroking me softly then more firmly I quickly found my body yearning to be fucked. My pussy throbbing, getting wetter, its muscles quaking at the hope, the desire of his entry. As if he knew what I wanted without words spoken he pressed his other hands fingers into my pussy while never missing a stroke of my clit. Unlike many times before in his finger fucking of me, he did not start with 1 or 2 fingers, here he just plunged all four into my wetness. His thrusts were dominant and strong and I could sense that he wanted to give me more of his hand and his fingers searched withing my cavern until they found the prize of my G-spot. Now he massaged on it, while stimulating my sponge and my clit all in harmony. My wetness grew intense until he could no long withstand taking me more fully. Before a second had passed, his hard cock was now in my pussy, his one hand pulling on my tied arms and the other in my hair pulling my head back with each thrust. My body quaked and quivered as he mounted me with more speed and greater depth. I felt as though I was a great gully once void of sensation and now in this intoxication through sexing I was nothing but sensation. Sensation that hungered for more….

More depth.
More speed.
More pulling.
More quaking.
More lovers entering me in this moment.
More taste.
More smell.
More pleasure.
More pain.
More Orgasm.

Here at the cusp of orgasm I rode sensation. Discovering bliss in the teasing of my throbbing pussy as it wrapped tighter around his cock.

But as all good things seem to go, just as I was feeling like I was going to toddle over and fully be enveloped into a sea of orgasm, my lover pulled away from me. I must have moaned in distaste because he came up to my ear, breathing hard and asked, “Do you want more?”

Yes.

He tapped my pussy with his hand as if to spank it. Chills ran across my flesh.
His fingers once more danced on my clit and massaged my vulva. Now his lips and tongue took the place of his cock. So soft, delicate and arousing his sucking was. I found myself wanting to press into his face as if to be swallowed up or to have my pussy swallow him. Alas, this was just a game to entry for what was to come.

Four fingers thrust back and forth then a thumb making its way. Before long his whole fist had entered me. Such fullness, such rapture awaited. I could feel him behind me still on his knees as he pulled me back and forth with the chains. There I rock, thrusting softly, gently and firmly on his fist until my whole body shook and melted into sweet orgasm.

———————————————-

What made this sex play more powerful then any other time? A multitude of things. All items focused on my surrender to my lover and to myself. Granted many couple’s do not want to jump into the deep end and explore fist fucking or bondage in an extreme, but many are willing to play with a blindfold.

This is a perfect place to start and a wonderful item to keep handy in your sexing. A blindfold can increase sexual tension and magnify arousal; because when one of your senses is lost all of the other senses become heightened to compensate. Blindfolds are also a great way of showing trust and vulnerability with a partner. Anytime we agree to be blindfolded we are agreeing to give our safety, our bodies, our surrender over to our partner. And this is not a position to be taken lightly. The one handed this gift is handed great responsibility and must know that here in your hands is the heart of someone’s sexuality, empowerment, soul and trust not only in you but in life. So NEVER abuse this gift! And ALWAYS listen to your partners wants, safe words and body language.

Blindfold Play a Simple Way to Take Average Sexing to Gourmet

Food Play – Blindfold and feed each other yummy morsels such as strawberries, wine, chocolate, honey, etc.

Sensation Play – Undress your blindfolded partner and then begin to caress his/her hands, ears, breasts, legs, back, face, etc. Experiment with different touches. Try using your finger nails, gentle slaps, use feathers, a satin sheet. Be creative in your play and see what you have around the house that could really bring more sensation into your play.

Lip Play– Trace your lovers lips with your fingers while they are blindfolded. Then kiss them. Use your tongue to trace patterns around their breasts, vagina, penis. Tease their lower back with kisses and licks. Tickle his testicles while you gently scratch with your nails in a downward motion from his butt to his feet.

Temperature Play – Try sipping on warm tea or water and then suckling at your blindfolded partners nipples or genitals. Use ice to trace designs on their back, stomach or perform oral sex on them while you change temperature using warm tea and ice in your mouth.

Get Knotty in Your Play– Tie your blindfolded partner up (with their permission). Use ropes, chains, scarfs, etc.

Ask for Your Desire Play – Ask your blindfolded partner a question. Such as where do you want me to kiss you? Or what do you want me to do once I have you tied up? Or ask them to share a desire/fantasy.

Reward and Punishment Play – Tell your blindfolded partner to kiss, lick, nibble, suck on your pussy/cock, lips, nipples etc. or tell them to masturbate for you or to open up their legs, mouth etc for you. If they are good and do what they are asked then they get a reward (a kiss, a suck or lick of what they want, touched a certain way, or a sip of wine, etc.) if they are bad and won’t do what was asked then they a spanking (with your hand, a paddle, flogger, feathers, whip, etc).

And above all else remember that experimentation with blindfolds can be spontaneous. Make use of whatever you have around the house or with you to adequately cover your partners eyes.

Now go get blinded by gourmet sex!!!!

You Are The Miracle…

empowered birth

IMG_2657It has been a long month to be honest.

Perhaps it’s because it is my 7th pregnancy, or that I am older. Perhaps little Rowan has just taken his toll on my body and emotions and I am feeling extra hormonal the last few weeks, almost even disconnected from my body. Frustration has kept setting in as I grow in anticipation and expectation of his arrival and then getting let down for one reason or another.

Last week at 41 weeks (you are considered full term at 38 weeks mind you) I was hopeful that I would walk into my midwife and we would strip my membranes and contractions would start and all would be well on it’s way. Instead I was greeted with the unavoidable fact that Rowan had decided to do an elbow stand on my cervix, preventing any of this idea from manifesting and instead I would have to take a week more and do inversion exercises to get him to move.

Then all this last week I have been in and out of my midwifes office with stress tests and strippings, experiencing some good contractions but nothing sending me over the edge and into full labor. With me be a seasoned laborer and no risk they can let me go till 42 weeks and 2 days.

42 weeks was officially Monday January 26th!!!!

And thank heaven’s I got to walk into my midwife one more time and go through the process, except this time we broke the water and committed to having a baby.

rowangabemom12615

I admit that I have not been feeling over the last few weeks a sense of power or ecstasy even. However Monday was different!

With Gabriel (my 2 yr. old who you see above in the picture) I had committed to having a fully natural birth. With my five previous births I did not even realize this was an option, I tried to be as natural as possible, never accepting the idea that birth had to be some sort of “illness” or painful, never surrendering to the concept of loading up on drugs and getting a spinal or an unnecessary C-section. But I did believe that my body would never go into labor on it’s own and that I had to be induced with pitocin to get things going.

Gabriel changed all of this for me. My birthing center and midwifes changed all of this for me. And for the first time in my womb-manhood I was blessed with an orgasmic divine NATURAL experience.

This Monday, I got to revisit this natural high of childbirth, power, emancipation as a woman and as a human. I got to experience my strength, my courage, my own love of life. I got to feel my body in it’s total divine state of creation and with that came a flooding of oxytocin. The love drug that is released during orgasm or when we are first falling in love. Except it was not just a small dose of this happy drug, it was a massive dose. Did I feel pain, yes! but was it unbearable, NO!

Matter a fact as my birthing center reported on Facebook after Rowans birth, “Seventh time mom laughed and chatted her way through labor and got in the tub just in time to welcome her biggest baby yet. A 9 lb 9oz 22 inch baby boy. Congrats!”

Perhaps it was the oxytocin or the warm water that I labored in.
But the words of my tantra teacher Duncan Knight come to mind at my very first tantric session with him, ” Feel this love in the room Kendal, it’s all coming from you.”

And again, what did I bask in through 4 and half hours of labor Monday?
LOVE. Unconditional, so thick it was like pudding in the room, LOVE!!!
I will never be able to share the depths in words as to what this experience was like, all I can do is hope that for those of you women out there who have had the courage to have a natural birth that you reconnect in this moment to this great love feeling that I am speaking of. For everyone else, connect to a moment or orgasm where you felt like the earth shook and your heart exploded into love. If you do not have this experience try and connect to the first moment of holding your child, of kissing the man/woman you felt was your soulmate, of experiencing something that took your breath away and made you feel alive, unbound, powerful and in love.

It has been my experience that if we learn to attach to these moments of power and love throughout our lives and fill ourselves with gratitude for them that we can take from them and craft a life that is well lived and experienced.

It is through these moments that we can discover what true orgasmic bliss is.
We can become more then what we are labeled, more then who we may even feel we are and we can truly be HUMAN. To be human is the greatest gift given to any of us. Yet we tend to deny the miracle of it. We forget or are never taught how joyous, empowering, unique and divine being human is. Instead we get caught up in why we should be suffering, how things are not right or good. We focus on the ills of our lives and of the world around us and never stop to acknowledge that as a human we are the manifestor’s of our lives, we are the custodians of our planet and ONLY WE can be the change that the world needs.

No amount of finger pointing, labeling of ethnic background, spiritual belief, education level or other will ever change this fact. HUMAN-HOOD is the experience we were all born into and it is up to each and everyone of us to be proactive, responsible and mature enough to take our ego’s and set them to the side and DISCOVER LOVE.

Imagine a world that was focused on servitude, gratitude and love.

What would this sort of world be like?

Imagine a state of your experience where you could live in the sensations that I speak of above.

What would your life be like?

Monday was a pivotal point of further emancipation for me. In my labor and in the final 25 minutes of hard labor I got to feel myself and life fully. I got to go outside of myself once again and feel the energies around me. I found myself attaching to two things: 1) breathing in the moment that I knew my partner Scott was assisting in the catching of our son and 2) feeling Rowan enter our world in love.

Life is powerful.
Love in powerful.
We humans are powerful.

STOP being small and be who you were intended to be. You are not here just to work some job, pay bills and be concerned about how you appear to your neighbors, friends, family. You are here to be YOU, the best version of you that you can imagine!

We are each a miracle. Don’t forget or make light of your power.

Rowan 2 days

Rowan Oliver Born January 26th, 2015 9pounds 9 0unces and 22 inches long.

–KW

Pregnancy As An Orgasmic State

IMG_2180Monday Jan. 12th – 2015 was My Due Date!

Many of my clients and people who come to my workshops are aware that I am pregnant. Many know that to me the birthing process is an orgasmic experience and why I have chosen to make it as natural as I possibly can. Like my last pregnancy I will be blessed to be delivering in a small birthing center with a midwife, my partner and many of my children present. I will be able to labor the way my body and nature has intended and I will finish my process in a pool of warm waters. Instead of a white room, bright lights, feet in stirrups, nurses running to and fro and harsh energy, little Rowan (yes we are having a boy!) will be born into loving warm energies and within 3 hours after having him I will be home and resting instead of having to deal with constant interruptions from a nurse to check my bleeding, BP and other items. A day later the birthing center will do a house call and do all the follow up needed.

Needless to say this approach to the birth is an old one and is one that does not make use of traditional medicine and pain killers.

I hear from many people:
“OMG, no way I could do ALL natural. I have to have the med.s’, Give me the good stuff!”
“What if something goes wrong?”
“How can you handle that sort of pain?”

And so much more.

The fact is this.

I have experienced traditional birthing methods. I was induced, and had pain killers. I stayed all night and then some in a hospital. I did the normal muck up. And you know what I thought?

Labor and child birth are painful!

Now, here I am with my 7th child soon to enter this world. My second all natural birth. And you know what my last labor taught me?

The TRUTH!

Birth is all about:
* Sexuality
* Connection to Self
* Connection to my Partner
* Body Presence
* Power
* Orgasm! – Orgasmic Wombman- hood

Similar to our love making and ability to open to love, intimacy, orgasm and pleasure. Labor and birth show how we choose to show up in our own lives.

What I was doing in previous experiences was choosing to disconnect and buy into the propaganda that life was pain. That labor and birth were terrifying and something we should try to mask with a drug. That our bodies are NOT designed to enjoy the process but to suffer.

WOW was I ever wrong!

Now, I will say that there are moments that are so intense that it you may feel like you will leave your own body. There are what many would say are painful moments. Intense moments. High pressure moments.

But all of these can happen in our sexing as well.
They should happen in our sexing.

It is in the intensity, the heat, the pressure and sometimes even what may scare us or feel uncomfortable that we learn to open fully and embrace what is on the other side. We choose ORGASM! We choose LIFE! We choose PLEASURE and POWER.

Or we say NO! and we shut down, close off and deny our power.

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And why would we ever want to NOT choose these things?

Why do we so quickly hand over our rights to experience life in all it’s bliss, even when that bliss comes with some sharp points of climax that may test our courage to push forward and release into deeper sensation, more penetrative love and pleasure?

Yet this is what we do as a society.

We constantly deny ourselves life.
We say no to our power and we actually believe that by remaining small and powerless we are doing some humanly “good” thing.
We tell ourselves that we “should not” experience pain in the way that we do.
We tell ourselves that our emotions are not good or real.
We tell ourselves to not buy into our dreams.
We convince ourselves that pleasure is a sin even and that our bodies are to be denied.

Rarely do we say yes without guilt, shame or embarrassment.

Even more rarely do we learn how powerful our YES is and how our ORGASM effects our lives, right down to the people we associate with, the chaos or peace we bring in, our health and our financial state of being.

What if there were a way for you to learn how to orgasm through life even in the sharp points, the ones that make your breathe deep, make your heart clench, make your eye’s weep?

What if you understood how the sabotaging beliefs and patterns that you hold toward your sex are the same ones you hold toward your money?

What if you understood that the thoughts you hold during sex and who you are sexing with as well as how you show up in bed STRONGLY effect all areas of your life?

What if I shared with you that life is suppose to be an ORGASM!

So stop F–king around with the mechanics you think you should know and the shame for wanting more and go deeper with your sexing.

Make 2015 the YEAR that you say YES to an ORGASMIC LIFE!

Classes on The Link Between Sex & Money : How Our Beliefs of one effect the other.

COMING SOON!!!!

IMG_2258Thank You Photoraphy In Wonderland for these amazing Maternity Photoshoots! If any one s interested in doing a shoot with this creative artist you may contact her at www.phoographyinwonderland.com

Why Adventure Sex and Fantasies Can Improve Your Intimacy

fantasy sexWhen we learn to share this intimate aspect of ourselves then there is no more reason to hide any part of our beings from our partners. In this we discover true intimacy and commitment. We embrace unconditional love and live authentically. –KW

A cool breeze whipped under my skirt as I straddled his cock. Slipping one leg around him and between the back of the bench and the seat, gently moving my hips down as to press him into my wetness, my skirt falling to the side, cars passing by, bird chirping, water rippling and a possible on looker from one of the surrounding apartment or business buildings all made for our afternoon adventure. With each thrust my body hungered to feel him deeper, his pleasure of my exhibition, his joy of the freedom of fucking me softly in public, and the tremble of excitement of possibly being seen, all deepening our intimacy, our connection and passion. In one deep breath he picked me up and laid me back on the cold bench, where I was fully exposed for all to see and for him to take more fully as well. Thrusting himself into me over and over again our heat burned and we had to take our escapade to more private domains.

Some PDA (public display of affection) this had turned into.

Not so uncommon for me and some, but it is an uncommon and even feared fantasy for so many people and couples.

Adventure sex is one of the best connective tools a couple can experience. It does not always mean that you have to go to an orgy, or swing with strangers, even to have sex in public as my little tale above shares. Sometimes adventure sex can be very vanilla and simply mean doing something that you would like to explore or do again to rekindle the heat or expand your sexual horizons. Some of my tips of the week speak of having sex in the shower, tormenting each other under the table at a restaurant, revealing no panties just as you enter a theater or show, or before leaving your car give a sample blow job. Offer you bare pussy to your lover by pressing their finger into you while they are driving, kiss more passionately and thrust your hips into them while nibbling gently on their lip. Adventure sex may just mean changing up the room you have sex in or adding in a toy or some blindfolds and restraints.

Fantasy Sex DOES NOT have to remain a fantasy either. It has been shown over and over again that through acting out, sharing and allowing ourselves to grow our fantasies in a safe, intimate, boundary respected enviroment that we not only have a more harmonized psychological world, but our commitment and intimacy level with our partner is strengthened to new levels. Our actual relationship foundation becomes stronger and the container that we act in with our partner acts as a liberating agent instead of a space for shame, disconnect and fear.

Sexual fantasy is healthy folks!

Not all fantasy need be acted on, some may not even be very physically safe or may be a turn off for our partners.

Some fantasy sex may just need to be shared during lovemaking to heat things up. Or parts of the fantasy played out during regular love making and the rest just painted as if it were a picture for both to enjoy in the thralls of love making.

I can tell you that personally I love it when my partner takes me from behind, and applies his strength of dominance by holding me firmly or gently choking me while whispering our joint fantasies in my ear, using some strong language and letting me know how aroused he is with each thrust. This sort of partial fantasy play in my book is exhilarating and heals my shame of desire.

Yes SHAME of DESIRE.

Growing up in a catholic school, with parents much older then my friends parents very stuck in their ways and with the social programming that as a girl or a woman I should not desire sex. Only sluts and whores did this and they did it out of a lack of self respect. A girl who respects herself does not flaunt, crave, desire and most certainly would never share or act on these fantasies.

Not so uncommon a program, as the majority of the population has a similar one.

What I have learned through years of sex and relationship coaching with clients, and through my own healing processes with my teachers and lovers is that the ONLY should not is the denial of myself. If I say no to myself consistently, then I reinforce the shaming from my youth. Only through acceptance and saying yes to some of my desires do I heal and expand.

This is true for everyone.

In our ability to say yes to ourselves and to push ourselves to grow and experience new adventures we learn what our true beliefs are, we learn where our boundaries are and we experience liberation not only sexually but mentally, spiritually and as a whole authentic being. One that is making the call for ourselves instead of assuming that another individuals desires/beliefs/experiences and programs are good enough for us as well.

Through our awakening the supposed demon of desire we also awaken enlightenment.

Sex is truly a liberator, a healer and one of the greatest teachers we have been given. In our closure and shaming of this invaluable tool we shut ourselves off from life and turn toward self imprisonment all in the pursuit of being a “good girl or good boy” in the eyes of society.

So stop crucifying your sex and start saying yes to the oh so evil pearls of sin. Say yes to a fantasy. Say yes to an adventure. Say yes to growth, intimacy and unbounded passion.

You may just be surprised at how powerful the event turns out to be and what joys reside on the other side of the doorway of desire.

–KW

Genital Massage For Cardiovascular Health

tantricloveSensual Tantric Massage for Your Health & Pleasure: 7 Reason’s Why Everyone Should Explore This Ancient Art

Wouldn’t it be amazing if our doctors and psychologists of today actually prescribed Tantra and especially tantric massage for someones mental, emotional and even physical ailments?

Imagine walking into a doctor’s office sharing how much anxiety you are having, how you cannot seem to focus on tasks or keep life in order, how you have sleep issues and your digestion is all messed up. Imagine that your doctor after giving you a check up smiled and said, ” I believe I know something that can help you overcome these issues before they worsen and I am pretty sure you will enjoy this prescription…”

What if you had ADD or ADHD?
Chronic Pain? Irregular Menstrual Cycles?
High Blood Pressure? or Irregular Bowl Syndrome?
Hormone Irregularity? Stress? Premature Ejaculation Issues? Inability to Orgasm? Vaginismus or pain during sex?

What if you were seeking help from a counselor for relationship issues, your inability to connect to your partner or sex addiction?

First one might say “Tantra, isn’t that that thing Sting does that makes him last 7 hours? And does’nt it teach you all these crazy sex positions? Why and how can it help me with my health issues?”

To understand how tantric massage and tantric practices can fully change your life for the better and even help heal you of these and other ailments that are common to our modern day living and society, one must first know what tantra is.

Tantra has been practiced for over 9,000 years. It’s origins have been traced back to the Himalayan Mountains in India, where religious leaders believed that sexual ritual was the path to a higher form of ecstasy and liberation. Through this liberation and discovery and acceptance of pure authentic ecstasy, one learns how to “weave or connect together ALL aspects of life,” from spiritual to psychological, from emotional to scientific, from sexual to the embracing of art, music, and nutrition. Simply put there is NOTHING that is NOT tantric in life. Tantra is learning how to connect the dots and be present and authentic in enjoying the connection.

So what are the core benefits of Tantra and especially Sensual Tantric Massage and even Tantric Sex?

Several recent studies point to benefits of massage therapy that help heal the heart.

In 2008, researchers studied 263 volunteers who had a massage for 45 to 60 minutes. Average blood pressure fell by 10 mg Hg and heart rate by 10 beats per minute after one treatment. That’s about as much as you might get from prescribing a new blood pressure medication for life! (MindBodyGreen)

Now that is just from regular deep tissue massage!

Let’s Talk Sexual Massage… yes I just said sexual massage, so blush if you must but stop hiding that little smirk you have from the thought of having someones hands on your genitals for an extended time and you NOT having to give anything back to them…. Yes it is JUST for you and your HEALTH of course!

But it is NOT just about your genitals… And yet it is. The armouring of them that is…

Erections and wet pussies are just common side effects of tantric massage. There is no expectation or orgasm or climax during a massage.

That may have made your head cock to the side (no pun intended… well maybe no pun intended…) but it is true, the beauty behind this ancient healing art is that there is NO EXPECTATION.

The only focus, objective or desire in this massage is a mind/body connection which happens through the learning of body presence and interconnectedness to all of life. Your practitioner (tantric coach/teacher) does this by being the conduit and providing what is called “Sacred Space or Holding Space.” In this safe enviroment a person relaxes fully. Mind, body and spirit become one and your awareness is focused on ONLY the sensations that arise in your being on every level. I say every level here because it is not uncommon for a client to experience orgasmic sensation without the tradition expected results of ejaculation if you are a man or straight on clitorial or vaginal penetration if you are a woman (although these events may occur). It is also, not uncommon for clients to experience emotional release or even a deep meditational state of being.

So what are the KEY 7 Reasons that Everyone Should Explore This Ancient Body Therapy?

1) Tantric Therapy/Massage or even Sex is good for your hormones! Scientific evidence shows that stress causes cortisol to increase in our bodies. Cortisol does a number on every area of our being, from weight gain, to mood swings. It has been linked to even high blood pressure, impaired cognitive performance and lowered immunity. Basically it is the stress hormone and its not good when we are producing too much. Especially for our cardiovascular health.

2) Tantric Teachings/Massage and Sex improves your breathing, therefore reduces stress, helps improve clarity of mind, increases libido, helps increase stamina, teaches orgasm, and improves overall health and immunity levels. Tantric Massage and Sex acts like other similar sister practices such as yoga, Tai Chi and meditation.

3) Tantric Massage and Sex is first and foremost aimed at your emotional and psychological well-being. There certainly are wonderful physical attributes, you can expect even greater results emotionally though. As you learn to truly receive pleasure, self-esteem and self-worth are heightened, leading to a better overall happiness. You also, learn through the increased emotional awareness and release how to overcome and release past trauma which can help one to overcome such issues as Vaginismus, depression, chronic pain and many other trauma related issues.

4) Tantric Massage and Sex teaches a person(s) how to experience more pleasure by teaching how to release our armouring to pleasure. Often we have been programmed to experience pleasure in only certain ways and for only certain time frames, we then say NO to our selves and to pleasure and block our full life experience. Tantra can teach how to ignite our pleasure zones and embrace all of our orgasmic potential.

5) Tantric Massage and Sex helps a person to become more self-aware and present. Many people experience scattered thinking/mental focus or clarity. This is because many of us have never been taught how to stop worrying about the future or living in the past. tantra teaches us how we can fully anchor ourselves into the present moment where life is lived and healing occur’s.

6) Tantric Massage and Sex help people learn boundaries, connect with desires and curb impulses or addictions. It also helps a person learn how to ask for what they want and become good with the answer they are given. Many people who suffered from an inability to orgasm, had premature ejaculation issues or were addicted to sex or porn even mind altering substances discovered that through tantric work they could overcome these issue by learning presence, breathing and true pleasure techniques.

7) Tantric Massage and Sex is good for your bank account! Yes, sex/sexual touch/ sexual healing and money are deeply intertwined. It is becoming more and more common knowledge that the shame and programs we hold about our sex we also hold similar ones about our ability to make or keep money. Tantric practices teach how we can live an abundant life in ALL ways.

Perhaps now, the childish smirk, the blushing and increased heart beat you may have experienced at the start of this article have been washed away with an inquisitive openness and desire to try a tantric approach to your life.

At very worst case scenario, a Tantric Massage will leave you feeling relaxed, rejuvenated and as a few of my VIP clients have stated, “It is like going on a two week holiday and skipping to the second week when I finally was able to release all my work and responsibility stress and just BREATHE in the pleasure.”

ENJOY and Namaste’
–KW

A Sacred Fist F–king…

openlotusIt is said that you only lose your virginity once, however I disagree. I seem to constantly be loosing my virginity as I learn how to trust deeper, open wider, surrender more and experience greater orgasmic bliss. Being virginal to me has become a true box of chocolate and with each new piece of decant smooth candy I devour, I discover a realm of ecstasy. Holding on to this box of chocolate and refusing to sample each piece would be in my opinion a great regret at the end of my days on this earth. To fear losing my virginity because of the taboo’s or societal pressure that are placed on us seems ridiculous especially after one savors the luscious bliss that most often is accompanied with such adventures.

It has been a few years now since I lost my virginity to vaginal fisting, in all honesty when the event took place I could hardly believe what was happening. My mind rattled with fear, my ego stomped around and told me how this was going to cause me physical harm, make my pussy loose, and above all else was not going to be fun or pleasurable. Certainly allowing this to happen was not a good idea. Of course my perception of fist fucking all came from the little bit of porn that I had watched and what stuck with me was the looks of pain and terror on the women’s faces as these large fisted men would slam their whole hands into their vaginas and then rigorously pump back and forth in a punching manner. It seemed like the more the woman tensed up and appeared hurting the strong and more aggressive the fister would become with their movements. As amazing as it was that a human body could engulf a whole hand and even the jerking and pounding of it internally it certainly did not seem like an act of love, sensualness, intimacy and passion, and certainly not one that would bring about a real orgasm.

But then one early evening this belief was washed away by my lover’s fist and my deep orgasmic bliss.

“Entering the house I knew that something was up. I was unsure as to what, all I knew was that my lover wanted to provide me with a little TLC and a Tantric Session of his creation. As I walked into the room, there before me lay a cushiony bed covered in rose petals, candle lit, a glass of wine and coconut oil warmed. He kissed me gently on the lips, ran his hand through my hair, as a slight tingle went down my spine and my womb and pussy began to hunger for penetration. I wanted to surrender to the session he had planned out for me but also craved more. Slowly he removed my garments, caressing my body with his fingers as he did so, then asked me to lay down on the bed he had prepared. There I lay, naked, revealed, excited, nervous, and a little insecure. He pressed his lips to mine again, and dripped warm oil on my flesh. Gently his hands washed over me, releasing tension I was not even aware I had. Softly he kissed my skin, moving down my neck, across my breasts only to stop for a moment and tease gently my nipples with his tongue. Gently sucking at them until I released a mild moan of delight, only then to carry himself downward, hands and mouth, crossing over my stomach to my pelvic bone. Teasing my inner thighs now, he kissed and massaged, fingers working their way into my velvety warm parlors, lips and tongue pressing into my clit, sucking hungrily for a mini eruption of my bliss to get things really started. My hips wanting to tense, but I relaxed and opened my legs more for him. As he lingered in his oral pleasuring my pussy called out for more of him, in my mind I tossed about the idea of asking him to come into me full force with his hard erection I was certain he had by this time but my tantric teaching taught me to restrict and enjoy just receiving without expectation or demand. To simply remain present with his touch and the sensations that it arose in my being. _


Holding Sacred Space and building trust with me, he asked permission to enter me with a finger, granting it I already knew I wanted was another. Without a word my hunger was fed, he massaged deeper and deeper into me, opening me up, rubbing now on my G-Spot while continuing the clitoral massage he was already giving. I could not help myself, I found myself wanting more and spread myself wider for him, asking with my body for him to penetrate me more fully. I could feel a third finger press itself into my warmth and then a forth. I took a breath. Pressure accumulated at my introidus, I could feel the hunger of my pussy taking over, and I wanted to eat him with her sucking muscles. It was in this moment that I lost my virginity, his thumb moved into me. His whole hand now was pressing into me like the thickest cock I had ever experienced. He paused to let me catch up to what was happening. My mind was lost in a sea of feelings and emotions. _

‘What was happening? Was it okay, safe? Did he know what he was doing? What was to come next?”

Oh, fuck it! Was my only answer. It felt divine. The pressure that was building even though at first a tad uncomfortable I discovered was dwindling and was being replaced with increased sensations deep in my core. I could feel his every movement, the pulse of my own heartbeat seemed to now be strong and speaking loudly for what it desired. I could feel him tighten his clench and then loosen again, then twist gently and open. Fingers now all inside me, dancing with pressure on my G-spot, touching my cervix, and finally when I could no longer bare the teasing began to slowly thrust in me. His rhythm moving with my breath, with my muscle contractions. I knew he could feel me like no other time before, I felt so closely connected to him, we had merged in this moment and my back arched, my breath released in a long intense moan as my hips widened and my pussy clenched down tightly on his fist while my whole body moved to press down begging him to penetrate me deeper, deeper and yet deeper. I wanted to feel him touch my heart and clench my soul as my body quivered and convulsed in the most powerful, enlightening bliss that I never could have believed would be possible.”

Thank heavens for the loss of virginity. When I revel in the memory of my first time a slight smile crosses my lips and my heart expands while my pussy connects to the moment and gets wetter with the remnant sensations. Of course I find myself wanting to play with his fist again right then in the moment and perhaps exploring some more virginity losses with some fantasy play that now lingers in my mind, soul and sex. Oh the things we could do and the enjoyment we could have with such a delight as vaginal fist fucking….

And to imagine that all this was possibly the best sexing and most intimate fucking I had ever had all the while it was nothing like what I expected or what was shown in porn. This was not an act of him having power over me and being a forceful taker of my body and sex, it was about him penetrating me so vastly and fully that we became one in love. Empowering each other with each heart beat and orgasmic rapture. This was indeed a sacred moment. A Sacred Fist Fuck!

–KW

What I’ve Learned About Love From A Decade Of Being A Couples Therapist

 

CoupleKissingAndTakingPictureWithTablet-850x400When I first started working with couples, I really had no idea what I was doing or how to help couples that were coming to see me. It was truly a baptism by fire because I had to come up with something to help each couple move out of pain and start to make positive changes in their relationship.

One thing I can say for sure is that since then, I’ve learned a lot about relationships from working with hundreds of couples. Here are 10 things I’ve learned about couples from 10 years of being a couples therapist:

1. No two couples are the same.

One of the wonderful things about my job is I have met so many different couples from all walks of life and I have come to the conclusion no two couples are the same. Every couple has a different story and it’s fascinating to hear what attracts people together. If you’re in a relationship, don’t ever forget your own story as it’s unique and can never be replicated.

2. While no two couples are the same, most couples fall into fairly predictable patterns.

In reality, only a limited number of relationship patterns exist.

She pursues him and he withdraws.
He criticizes her and she attacks.
They both avoid conflict and withdraw from each other.

You get the idea. Becoming aware of your own relationship patterns, is the first step in bringing about real change in your relationship.

3. Attraction is totally unpredictable.

I’ve worked with the most unlikely couples across all genders, sexual orientations and cultural backgrounds. One thing I’ve learned is you can’t create a formula for attraction. It’s beyond human comprehension. And you just never know when it’s going to happen.

4. Relationships that start with a bang often end with a bigger bang.

When relationships start with a fierce intensity and passion, they often end the same way. This is not a blanket rule, but no couple can sustain that kind of intensity of connection indefinitely. You have to expect that the fires will cool at some point and that’s OK.

What often leads to a long-term successful relationship is a slow burn, taking the time to get to know each other without completely losing each other.

5. There is no such thing as the perfect relationship.

The couples that often run into trouble are the ones in which one or both partners believe their relationship should be perfect.

Perfectionism, when it comes to relationships, can be the kiss of death. No partner or relationship can live up to those impossible ideals and if you think yours can, you’re in for a rude shock.

Every couple experiences difficulties and conflict at one time or another. Just realize it’s a part of life and the most important thing is to bring compassion and kindness to yourself and your partner when you’re going through difficult times.

6. Your partner can’t fulfil all your needs.

Another common myth is this idea that my partner can fulfil all my needs. This belief is often in form of, “Once I find my perfect partner, I’ll never want for anything again.”

This is a dangerous expectation because it sets you up for disappointment when you discover your partner simply can’t meet all your needs.

It’s important not to lose your individuality in your relationship, no matter how much you love your partner. Keep your friends, nurture your separate relationships and keep in close contact with your family. Also, don’t be afraid to have interests, projects and hobbies that don’t involve your partner.

The bottom line is you are two separate individuals who have your own likes, dislikes, wants and needs. The wonderful thing is, you can share these things together and separately.

7. You have more than one soul mate (if you believe in that).

Some people seem to believe there is only one soul mate for them in the world. I have worked with countless individuals who thought they’d met “The One” and then it didn’t work out.

And guess what? They went on to form other relationships that brought them just as much love and joy as the relationship they thought they could never replace. Don’t limit yourself to thinking there is only one person with whom you could ever be in a deep, connected and loving relationship.

8. Changing your relationship is hard work, but worth it.

I know that changing your relationship for the better is hard work. If it were easy, couples would do it all the time and there would be no need for couples therapists.

Couples that put in the hard work are the ones that reap the benefits. They are happier, more resilient and able to face life’s ups and downs with a greater robustness. If your relationship needs help, don’t be afraid to reach out and get the professional support you need. It could be the best investment you ever make in your future.

9. Relationships can be boring and ordinary at times, and that’s OK.

The reality is that, even in the best relationships, there are times when it can feel boring and ordinary. The important thing to remember is it’s OK to go through periods where your relationship doesn’t feel exciting. This is just part of life.

However, the couples who recognize when they are in one of these periods and then find ways to bring back spontaneity, excitement, laughter and fun are the couples that are happier in the long term. Be aware of the cycles of your relationship and make sure you work together to maintain your connection, even at times when you feel disconnected.

10. The sex can get even better in a long-term relationship.

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve worked with who have accepted they have a bad sex life because they think that’s what naturally happens when you’ve been together for a while.

There is no reason for accepting a dull, boring or even non-existent love life. I’ve seen so many couples turn around their sex life to create a deeper, more connected sexual and emotional connection than they ever had before.

It’s true that you get what you settle for. So when it comes to your sex life, you can have the best sex of your life, even after many, many years together.

What have you learned in your life about relationships? Please share your comments below!

—Author CLINTON POWER, MindBodyGreen

Photo Credit: Getty Images

ORIGINAL POST

2 Steps and 7 Years from Out the Door

the breakup1

“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine

Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?

Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.

In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.

Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.

From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed  as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”

Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.

Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.

Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.

We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.

True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.

For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.

For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.

For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.

For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.

For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.

The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.

The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.

Steps to Prevention

  • Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
  • Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
  • Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
  • Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
  • Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
  • Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
  • Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
  • Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
  • Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
  • Never chase your man, give space without question.
  • Communicate. Communicate.
  • Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.

Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.

Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.

Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.

Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!

There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.

Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!