AND I CAME CRASHING BACK INTO MY HEART… JUST LIKE THAT.
He grabbed me,
kissed me and pushed me back onto the bed.
I was rambling on and on about my frustration,
my anger. Lost in thought and the mind.
I was distant from him.
Distant from me.
And lost beyond measure.
I could not feel my heart,
in truth I did not even want to right then.
I had been triggered and I was pissed.
Not at him.
At life in general.
My flow had been disrupted,
I had allowed it to happen and I was out of control of my life in that instant. The chaos of kids, work, house and family stirred around me and I just wanted solitude and peace but had no way of obtaining it because inside I was a storm that I had not even slowed to recognize.
And that was what he did.
He slowed me.
He grabbed a hold of me and led me back to my heart.
That space that I was forced into feeling my truth.
That space where I knew I was not alone in this world,
that space where he was not going to let me run from him, from us, from me.
And he passionately took hold of me there.
He moved with clarity, direction and determination.
I tried to fight his lead.
My mouth was rambling, but he kissed me and would not take my ego based words.
I pushed up against him and ran from feeling him physically, mentally, emotionally.
But he tore off my clothes and laid me naked, vulnerable before him. Devouring my flesh like a hungry wild animal and forcing me to come back to him.
Pressing himself into me,
not letting me go.
I fought with myself to feel.
I fought with the urge to physically stop his love at that moment.
Where days before I found myself lost in a trance of our eyes gazing during our sexing, here I lay closing my eyes and wanting to hide.
Hiding from the reveal of my soul.
Hiding from my pain in feeling lost and angry.
Hiding by throwing up my armour and not allowing myself to feel.
Not allowing his intensity to penetrate my core.
My armour was weakening.
And tears fell.
My chest became tense as I attempted to hold back my breaking,
the cracking of my armour, the cracking of my heart and the desire to fully open to his touch, his kiss, his presence, his love.
His breath softly moving across my breast,
my heart beat instensing,
I could feel him.
As I came back to him,
back to us,
he let out the affirming words of, “Yes. yes.yes.”
I knew that he too felt me dropping.
Felt me feeling him.
And as I laid down my armour my pleasure arose.
with mine his came too.
And I was drawn in.
I was seen.
I was held.
I was fulfilled.
And my trust grew.
This is the taking of the feminine that the masculine must learn.
It is in deep love and devotion.
It is in divine leadership and surrender all the saame,
and it is based in soul consciousness.
Often mistaken for control or for a desire to have one’s way,
the difference is in the emotional investment in the moment, in the relationship and the centeredness in self.
The masculine is meant to lead the femeine home to her heart.
And it is the masculine that must remain strong in these moments, strong in love. Not cowering to the feminines fires but standing firm in who they are and in their purpose beyond their mate, beyond their fear or ego or desire to control her fires, but in turn they must handle her with care and passion, clarity and direction. She must feel his leadership as well as his surrender to his own heart to be able to trust him to lead her back to her own.
This is the dance.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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A BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE TO ALL THE BETWEENER RELATIONSHIPS…
I am sitting here this cold dreary day in North Texas in total utmost gratitude for all those men that have graced my life with their energy, time, connection, sex and more.
Those men that I have laid in bed with enjoying what seemed like endless pillow talk, laughter and life shares.
Those men that made my heart sink from the loss of their presence in mine.
And for those men that infuriated me, made me feel crazy, were narcissistic, power hungry control freaks but also made me laugh and believe in the moment.
The men who caused me bodily harm.
The men who tried to destroy my dreams, my relationships and my self-esteem.
Yes to all these masculine, I give thanks and honor.
For without them I would not know what I want today in a man, in a life partner.
I would not be aware of my worthiness.
I would not be woken to my greatness as a woman.
And without these men,
I would continue on a path of dancing with “betweeners.”
First let me explain what I mean by “betweener.”
BETWEENER: A relationship that you know is not long lasting or “the one” but you choose to play with for a certain period of time while you figure your shiz out.
Betweener relationships help us heal.
They help us clarify what we want and need in a relationship.
They are educators.
And we ALWAYS, yes always know that they are between “real” relationships because there is something, just something that just does not fit.
Often this comes up in the feelings of:
*not being able to fully commit
*a nagging sense that they are not 100% with you
*insecurity in the relationship
*lack of turn on or passion
*our bodies will act shut down sexually
*we won’t feel safe stating our truth or just doing us
*there is a feeling of this is short term, a second guessing
These are betweener relationships.
Anytime, we know that we are not ready or able to jump into the deep end with someone, then we should get real with ourselves that we are not really aligned to this other person either for a lifemate sorta situation.
Often betweener relationships are lower vibration relationships.
Meaning that we call them into our relationship experience when we are wounded, heart broken or feeling lost in our lives, in who we are as individuals.
They are relationships asking us to accept less than what our heart and soul is desiring for and that most certainly reveals itself in the heart centered connection that we DO NOT have with a betweener.
But thank goodness for these relationships.
No matter how long they last for,
some we end up marrying,
some we date off and on for years,
and some are just flashes in the pan.
However, all of them bring forth great beauty and lessons to us if we so choose to receive them as such.
Knowing that we are co-creators to our reality and life experiences,
taking the responsibility for just that can allow us as individuals to see why each of these people walked into our lives when they did.
Perhaps they were there to help us get firm in a boundary.
Maybe they were there showing us such great beauty and love so that when our soulmate manifested that we could recognize them with greater ease.
Some betweeners, ask us to speak up louder, shine brighter or see our ego’s in more light.
Others ask us to learn how to guard our hearts and honor our truth with self-compassion and respect.
No matter the lesson.
They are powerful educators.
And today I just want to applaud all the “betweeners’ ‘ of my life,
because thanks to you bloaks I know who I am and what I want in a man.
Thanks to you I have done the clarifying of my heart’s desire and learned to slow down and listen with my heart and my intuition.
Which is exactly how we avoid betweeners and recognize “the one” that is right for us.
That soulmate love.
Loving you from this overcast day in Texas.
Remember that you are worthy of a great love.
A true connection of heart, mind, body and soul.
And to have that,
you MUST LISTEN to your Soul GPS.
Your heart and stop disregarding its directional offerings because you fear a life of being alone.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
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Gazing into his steal blue eyes,
tears streaming from his and mine alike.
We were caught in this moment. It was a timeless replay of memories. Ones that we didn’t know existed but felt deep into the very core of our beings.
There we were once again in love, in war, together and fearing the loss of one another.
As I stared deeper into his soul I was taken to a time when we were not who we were in this current moment.
My chest started to ach as though a spear had punchered it.
My breath quickened and I wanted to just move closer to him.
I could feel the storm of a warring nation around us, I could feel the fear of what was to come.
I could feel the penetration of his love from so many lifetimes ago, here now in this moment.
And I could feel our joint pain and suffering. This space between us did not even exist.
My hand wanted to reach out to that spot on his chest that I knew he had tried to protect me with.
That spot where we became one and lost each other in the same moment.
Where the spear had cursed through the bone, through his being and into me.
I could feel him holding me,
his tears streaming down.
His apology that he could not save me.
And I thought to myself as I came back to this current moment,
still locked in his loving gaze,
“We will not lose one another in this war that is about us. We will not. Our destiny does not have to be replayed through our lifetimes. No matter how many a tale we have that supports, today here in this moment, in this lifetime, in this love we can just become one. We can make love and we can unit. We can hold each other without the fear. Without the regrets. And we can let go of the pain of a thousand years.”
I realized that everything that we are moving through is us healing our past lives (and perhaps you don’t believe in such things, but I do and could share many an intriguing story that may change your mind.)
The karmic debt of then,
that must be washed away.
The recognition of our souls and the uniting of our paths.
We are here today in this moment,
entwined in each others arms and souls,
because we are meant to be one.
The unity of a soulmate,
where opportunities throughout lifetimes were lost,
but here and now,
And it is our expansion in self,
our learning of our hearts,
our recognizing of our egos,
and the letting go of what has held us back from each other,
that we are here to fully take hold of.
To fully learn from.
The concept of becoming one,
the ceremony of marriage is to create this timeless bond,
the coming together before God is to strengthen it.
However the reality is that the majority of marriage,
unity is not true.
It is a forced unity where we commit to someone based on resumes, looks, and ideas.
Where society, family, and friends all tell us that this is good and this is bad, choose him/her or heck no don’t get with them.
And so often we follow the call of others,
so often we base our lives, our commitments and our very marriages on these things that do not create unity.
We choose to ignore our hearts.
We choose to turn away from our intuition,
and we make what we feel are “wise choices” in our lifemates,
only to find ourselves a few steps down the path of the relationship wanting for something more.
Wishing that we had listened to our hearts call that would have taken us another direction,
wondering if we missed that true love.
But justifying our choices because of society, family, friends, property, safety, religion, etc.
And sacrificing our happiness.
Sacrificing our truth.
Here is where so many a marriage resides and what I believe is a culprit to so much unhappiness in the relationship.
When we choose to disregard all those outside influences,
when we choose to look past the resumes, the looks and the ideas of what it should or should not be and just slow down and listen to our intuition with someone,
We are blessed with our truth and what spirit wants us to know about the path with any relationship.
As a society we have trained trust in our gut feelings out of ourselves.
We have brainwashed ourselves to not take heed to our hearts guidance or to how someone makes us feel.
We ignore those soft little nudges that something is wrong in a relationship as well as ignoring or even fearing when something feels so perfect.
If you ever wondered what makes a happy couple happy?
What makes some people stick?
What is the secret to having that storybook romance for a lifetime, where you are turned on, tapped in and fully engaged at all levels of life with someone?
Well here is your answer.
When our souls meet another they KNOW if they are a yes or a no to that other soul.
If we are wanting to find “THE ONE” then it is our mission to listen.
To our hearts guidance.
To our intuition.
To the soft nudges from our core.
And it is our responsibility in love to know that although others may have all the best intentions for us and our lives,
that they cannot feel what aligned to our soul for us.
Therefore they have no place trying to direct our path.
Love respects the path.
Love yourself, love your family and friends.
Listen to your soul and mind your tongue with others.
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Ready to call in “THE ONE”?
Ready to learn how to still your chaotic mind and the voices from everyone else so that you can have the romance, the love, the partnership that you so desire? Reach out to me today for the consciousness engineering that will set your path firm in 2021 and get ready for your true love to show up.
WHEN SOMEONE WANTS YOU TO BE SOMETHING THEY REFUSE TO SEE WHO YOU ARE…
Over and over again I am reminded of just how blind we humans can be in our relationships.
And then we wonder why people shut down, walk away or get upset with us.
But it is often because we are blinded by our own desires and beliefs of who people are and how we want them or expect them to show up in relationship with us that creates this disharmony.
Recently I have been blessed with the opportunity to witness numerous people in my life sharing with me how they perceive me. Who they think I am, how they think I should react or expect me to react, what they believe my desires are in life, work, and even in my intimate relationships and more.
And it is interesting and saddening to witness these people do just this because I sit here realizing that the reality is that no matter how much I show up differently then what they believe,
no matter how much I communicate who I am RIGHT NOW, or what my desires are, what my boundaries are that they simply cannot hear me and actually believe often that it is not them but me with the communication issues.
I have served my fair share in the land of not communicating well.
I have had my issues with boundaries and stating what I am a F-ck Yes too and what I am a F-ck No too,
and I have moments in my current as well where I drag my feet and try to read between the lines or make the best decision that will cause the least amount of hurt feelings, be the best for someone else and put myself on the back burner….
(I am human and all and get caught in my own crap. Shhhhhh…. I get it…. I know better. I do.)
But at the end of the day,
I have looked my shadow self in the eye many a time,
I have felt into my ego and called it out of the darkness and see it for what it is more frequently then not,
and when it comes to speaking up and out on things,
well often I don’t give two sh*ts and just state it as it is.
So in this understanding of the timid young woman that was the wall flower just a little over decade ago who would get trampled by many, to the woman that I am today that has a deep understanding that I am only responsible for my emotions, thoughts and actions and I cannot make anyone else happy,
I find myself in awe of so many people in my life who simply refuse to see who I am.
Old lovers, spouses, friends, children and even clients have recently revealed how they are stuck in an older version of me.
To the point that they REFUSE to see or allow any sort of change in my pattern, even when it is so vastly different right in their face.
But WHY IS THAT?
Why do we humans refuse to allow others to change?
Why do we ignore who someone is, trying to become or even acting on being in any area of their life?
The answer in my opinion is pretty f-cking simple…..
BECAUSE IT DOES NOT SERVE OUR BEST INTEREST IN OUR MIND OR DOES NOT GRANT US WHAT WE WANT FROM SAID INDIVIDUAL.
If our drinking buddy who has been our wing man for the last decade suddenly sobers up and gets married,
then where does that leave us?
In our life and choices?
If they start to make changes and different choices that do not support what we are wanting then no matter how happy we may be for them, we find ourselves feeling lost and lonely suddenly.
And the reason is that we are looking for some form of our happiness, our fulfillment to be met by this other person.
And in order for us to have what we want THEY NEED TO STAY OR BE SOMETHING THAT SUPPORTS THIS VERSION of who we want.
It has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with us.
We can say that we want the best for someone else,
and I have heard that statement a lot over the 100 days,
but when it comes down to it we will tell our loved one that they are overreacting, that they are not seeing things straight, that they are having a midlife crisis, going crazy, are no longer fun or are now being anti-social. We will find fault in their actions, demeanor, thoughts and feelings and when they share who they are and what they want from life we will unconsciously plug our ears, close our eyes and act like a four year old by chanting nah-nah-nah in our heads and never notice that we are doing any of the sort but instead turn around and tell our loved one that they got it all wrong, it’s this way and not that. That they want this or that instead.
To take it to extreme levels,
its like we are raping our loved one’s.
And what I mean by that is that it is like the rapist that tells the woman that she is wet when she is dry and that she is turned on when she is terrified and then thanks her for making him feel so good.
Now granted that I know that this is an extreme,
but the truth is that anytime when we refuse to see who someone is showing up as, refusing to hear their words and tell them that they are the ones who are not communicating or saying something else, or tell someone that they are just this or that when they are not, what we are doing is denying that person in totality.
We are making our desires and views of who they are more important than who they really are and we are forcing our will on them.
We all are guilty of doing this in life and in relationships.
First we must recognize this fact.
We are all blind to the people in our lives and we get caught up in who we perceive them to be.
That is why it is so true that perception is reality.
When perception becomes so strong often the person who is making the change falls weak after time and just gives into what “everyone” is saying and believing and the only true way for them to get away from said perceived reality is to fully disconnect from those who are stating it.
So I ask you today,
Where are you believing that you really know someone and in truth are actually not allowing them to be them?
Where is your blindness in the relationship?
And As Always,
Stop Existing And Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”
Want to know more about how to create dynamic magical relationships based in truth and love? Reach out to me today for 1:1 mentorship now.
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