Is Your “WHY” The Reason for Your Loss?

We all got them. We all know how bad they are for us. We all still can’t help ourselves. And so we make them. We use them. And we feel like we are justified somehow most of the time.
You know what I am talking about. It’s the damn thing that keeps holding you back. It’s the damn effing thing that you know you need to push right past but don’t.
And why?
Because it’s your child.It’s your mate.It’s your health.It’s your time.It’s your finances. It’s your level of education.It’s yeah, yeah, yeah…..
Alright we get it….You have a great reason.
Don’t we all?

You have a freakin’ great reason as to why you can’t. Why you should not.And how this or that is truly holding you back.Holding you still. You just need to pause. You just need to get out of debt. You just need to get ahead some. You just need your kids all in school. You just need to ease in before you approach your mate. You just need to make sure that you can make the time. You just…..
Yeppers…
That’s all so true.
NOT!!!
Its all bullsh*t.
You don’t need to wait for any of that to live the life you were born to live.
You don’t need any of that to create the abundance, the freedom, the happiness, YOUR DREAMS.
And you sure as f*ck DON’T need to WAIT.
But you are. And the waiting is getting old. The waiting is draining you. The waiting….will the waiting ever be over?
Or will life end before the waiting?
And that is what you should be worried about. You should not be worried about all these things. And if you are striving to have your dreams manifest for some of these excuses which are also your reasons, then why….
why my dear are you still sitting on your thumb waiting?
What do you think waiting will accomplish?
Will you wait long enough and suddenly have enough money to buy that business or write that book?Or will the money just come and go as money always does. And you will still be waiting, wishing you had not waited till now, but willing to wait till later still to do the damn thing that you know that you must do if you will live the life that your soul is calling you to live.
Or will you ever have the time or the energy to just add in another thing and build your dreams with the focus that you know it will take?
Or will you sit there, waiting for the time, waiting for the energy, waiting for the focus, and watch your life drift by. Just like it has been the last five years. The last ten, twenty or whatever the eff it has been…. Don’t you think, that if you had just said yes to yourself maybe somewhere back there, and done the damn thing, just got started that, maybe, maybe you might be closer to your dreams then where waiting has gotten you?
IDK, Maybe I am just being crazy. Maybe I am being irrational. I mean what do I know….
You know what I know…I know that my WHY can also be one of my biggest challenges to success. I know that if I allow my why to become my excuse, that it will quickly. and it will destroy the possibility of me manifesting the life that I want for myself, for my children, for all that I care for. I know that my WHY, can easily grow into a fierce darkness, stopping me from moving forward.
And I can tell you that I love my why enough to tell my why to get the eff out of my way and not hold me back.
I have chosen to make what feels like sacrifices in a way for a short period of time so that I can guarantee my success.
I have set my desires out, and I have written out my goals.I know that the excuses that I might have, and some of them are some damn freakin’ doozies at that, are not here to help me succeed. No matter how logical they may seem. No matter how heart jerking they might be.No matter how “in alignment” they may appear, they are still the DAMN THINGS that prevent.
Prevent us from living the life that God intended.Prevent us from SAYING YES! to ourselves.Prevent us from THRIVING.
So why do you keep allowing them into your world dear?Why do you keep making space for all that, that does not serve you?Why do you keep believing the falsities of this world and denying your power love?
You better figure it out.And when you do, hope you have not waited to long that your dreams became another’s and were lost to you this lifetime.
Because you my dear, came here with a purpose. And purpose was to SHINE.
You will never accomplish that by hiding underneath those beautiful excuses….
I mean reasons. 🙂
So as always,

Stop Existing & Start Living

“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Not Responsible for Your Emotions.

Oh love, why do you blame yourself for all that others have going on?

Why do you take responsibility for their emotions, 
their happiness, their joy?

Why do you stand there in all your power and let them deplete you so that they can feel stable yet again?

Oh love, this does nothing for you.
And even though it may appear for some split second that you are helping those you care about to be better, 
you are not truly assisting them.

You teach them nothing by your soothing of what is not yours to soothe.

And you know at your core how dangerous this soothing can be for your own well being, 
and for the relationship as well.

But, it is hard to not try and fix. 
It is difficult to say no. 
It feels harsh to state the truth, 
that it is NOT your responsibility for their whirlwind emotions. 
For their ebbs and flows. 
Their highs and lows. 
Their over thinking and worry.

Sure you can change who you are. 
You can say things as that they want to hear. 
You can pretend to be a way that is not in truth to your soul. 
And you can pretend. 
You can be that pretender and give them the “love” that they think is love and think they want from you.

That they deserve,
or that you should do if you truly cared. 
Truly loved them.

You could change every facit of yourself to meet the needs of another, 
and at the end of your attempts you would discover that they were still lost and now you are too.

And that is all that you would give them. 
The loss of who you are. 
The loss of your own soul
and direction. 
And you too my love, 
would then be like those that want this of us.
Lost, sad and masking.
Afraid to look deep within. 
And find what all of us must, ‘if we are to discover our truth, 
our happiness.

That my love is the simple, harsh reality. 
That no one on this planet is here to please another, 
other than the self. 
It is not your life requirement, 
to be responsible for another’s peace of mind, 
happiness or feeling love.

Just like it is not up to them to do this for you.
These things are ONLY found from within. 
And until they are found, 
by the seeker himself, 
deep within the caverns of their own mind and heart, 
they will never feel complete, 
never feel safe or without worry. 
They will continue to question the love offered, 
and look for every reason that it is not correct.

Yes my love, 
it is the truth of this matter, 
that no matter how much you love another, 
no matter how much you show up in truth, 
no matter how much you give of self, 
that you can never heal another.

You can never save them from their own demons. 
As false as they may be to you, 
these fears will continue to arise, 
until they learn how to shine the light into their own darkness, 
to soothe their own fears without destroying the world around them, 
and embrace that love that they believe they feel for you, 
because that love is what is inside awaiting them.
That love for you my dear, 
is only a sign of the greatness of love that they have for self once uncovered and embraced in its glory.

And it is this love that must be triggered from within and seen for it’s truth.

It is this peace, 
this joy, 
this feeling of bliss and freedom, 
that we experience in our relating that we must see for what it is.

It is HERE.
HERE with us always. 
It has NOTHING to do with another. 
It has EVERYTHING to do with self. 
The relationship is but only awakening us to it.
But, we never loose it. 
We are never without it.

And we are most certainly never responsible for managing another’s emotional or mental state.

No, my love. 
It is not your concern. 
It does not mean you are bad. 
Or evil. 
Or not loving. 
It simply means that you hold priority for the most valuable person in your life. 
That person who looks back at you from the mirror.

So keep stating your truth. 
Keep sharing your heart ,
and your soul.

Never allow another, 
no matter how far they crash, 
to steal you from yourself, 
in hopes of saving them.

You are worth so much love my dear. 
You are worth all that you carry in your heart. 
A thousand lifetimes worth. 
So step forward in faith my love, 
Step forward and keep CLAIMING YOU!

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

You Don’t Own My Sex!

You don’t own my sex!
You think that you want to own my sex. 
You believe that it is love based.
You have been told that if someone loves you that they will not need, desire or be with anyone else. 
You think that ownership is love. 

But since when is slavery of any sort love?
Relationship slavery, 
sexual slavery is no more love than is
to brand and tag another human being and sell them to the highest bidder as though they are live stock.

That may seem offensive to some. 
It may seem extreme to others. 
I am pretty sure that many are flabbergasted in this moment that anyone would say such a thing in today’s world. 

But seriously, owning someone else in any fashion or form is NOT LOVE.

And I can tell you that you have no right to own another persons sex.

It’s far more than the genitals that I speak of here. 
It is one’s core.
It is one’s creative energy.
It is one’s soul.
Their guidance system if they are tapped into it. 
Our alignment to life, 
to our path, 
and all that we can be stems from this place within ourselves. 

Our sex. 
It hubs all that we are. 
It is our primal, 
passionate, 
truth.

Our GPS.

And you think that it is loving to own. 
That it is loving to sign over the papers to such a thing.
That it is someones duty, 
or a rightful expectation to demand that one give this to anyone?

Really?

May I challenge those of you who read this and want to spout back some negative comment, 
some biblical quote, 
some moral statement as you believe it to be, 
may I challenge you to ask yourself this….

“What do I get out of owning another person’s sex?”

You need to get real here.
Because the truth of your desire and your fake love is found in the answer to this question IF….

IF you can be truthful in your answer.

And for those of you who cannot let me answer it for you.

Power.
Control.
Security.

And guess what?
All of these are fake.
Just like the love that you are claiming that “makes” you do it.

Love has nothing to do with ownership.
Love has nothing to do with having power over someones anything.
Love has nothing to do with security.
Let alone demanding and trying to force security.

Love is a risk.
Love is powerful.
Love is freeing.
Love is unconditional. 
And it has NOTHING to do with our sex.

Sure you have far better, 
more orgasmic, 
more connective and intimate, 
sex with love at play then without.

It takes you from two bodies rubbing against each other and enjoying some friction to a true opening, 
and blissed out state. 

But love has nothing to do with sex.
And it DOES NOT mean that we love someone more or less if we have sex with them or not.

Sex is not a barometer for love.
Sex is about feeling ones self in a most pure, authentic, real capacity. 
Through our sexing we meet ourselves. 
We feel ourselves.
And we expand in who we can be. 
Through our sexing we are offered a taste of intimacy into ourselves. 
That is what makes sex so damn intimate.

It is not intimate because we see another person naked.
It is not intimate because we are physically connecting.
It is not intimate because this other being is feeling anything or not.

It is intimate because we are experiencing all of this about OURSELVES with the assistance of another who is doing the same. 

But this form of intimacy. 
INTO – ME- I- SEE
only comes about when we are present with ourselves and no longer hiding from our shadows. 
When we are being responsible for ourselves and not looking for anyone else to fill us in any way. 
Not wanting to be completed by anyone else, 
not wanting to feel loved by anyone, 
or gain our happiness from anyone else. 
This sort of intimacy comes when we are NOT IN NEED.
But in LOVE.

Love of self.
Happy with self.
Intimacy with self.
Whole in self.
Worthy in self.

If you believe that you “need” anyone else to do any of these things for you and that equates love then you are far, far away from true love my dear.

So one more question for you to ask of yourself….

“Do I feel more loved by my partner if they do not have sex with anyone but me?”

okay maybe two questions.

“And if yes, then what about them only having sex with me, makes me feel loved, or guarantees a greater love in your opinion?”

The reality is that we harbor a lot of judgement around our sex and the sex of others. 

We condemn people for wanting sex.
We condemn people for not wanting sex.
We judge and call names, 
label and make opinions into facts that do not exist, 
based on on our judgments to make ourselves feel safe.
Feel right.
Feel moral.
Feel better than.

And if you loved.
Truly loved. 
The way love is to be, 
which is unconditional. 
Than you would see that your judgments on another’s sex and your desire to control it for them, 
is not of love,
but of ego. 
And your own insecurities around your sex and heart.

You aim to protect yourself by controlling another’s actions.
You aim to protect and make sure that pain and suffering does not befall on you, 
as if you were meant to never feel the contrast of pain in your life, 
and as if pain and growth was wrong, 
when in fact when one can lean in, 
and love through the pain. 
Through the fear.
Through all that we paint in our illusions of our ego, 
and SIMPLY LOVE.
Unconditional, 
and allow for the reality that we are to love many in many forms of the word. 
That “relationship” in any aspect is all about LOVE.
And without love, the relationship should not even be. 

So to try and control one’s love or how they choose to connect in any relationship is nothing more than an insecurity based in fear and desire to hide from one’s own expansion and feelings.

It is a fear to experience the beauty of true unconditional loving.

I challenge you today my love, 
to feel your true heart and to expand yourself and do the inquiry work so that you can have relationship based not in need and thus control, but in the beauty of surrendering to unconditional love. 

This is not written to give permission to those who lie and cheat, 
who step out of integrity and say that they just cannot be themselves. No this is not written to give any such permission. 
This is written to challenge all who read it about what sort of love they have based their relationships in and to bring up the empowering discussions of truth and honesty, coming from a place of love and intimacy. 

Communicate in love. 
Not in fear.
Stop allowing your past pains to mask your current heart.
Step out of your desire to have what is not possible, 
that requires faith, grace and communication. 
Step out of that desire, 
the desire for security and guarantee’s, 
where your “love” remains the same and tidy in a box that it was never meant to be kept in.

Because my dear, 
relationship will never be something that does not cause you pain.
It will push you to your limits. 
It will challenge your core. 
It will make you question all that you have believed and known, 
and it will ask you to stand in who you are, 
not of who you were, or will be. 

Yes my dear, 
relationship is just this and nothing more. 
It is a place where we meet ourselves in all, 
where we get to embrace if we allow, 
our hearts and heal our wounds. 
Strengthen our love and KNOW our core. 

You do not own my sex.
And your sex is not owned. 
You are a free soul. 
A free being. 

Remember this my love. 
And….
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

**FUN FACT – There are five loves in this picture. And even though some are still beside me and some are no longer active roles in my life. All are still unconditionally loved by me.**

Oh Girl…Stop Holding Yourself Back.

Oh girl you are so effing turned on. 
Its like you rounded a corner and now you are hot to trot for every yummie thing that presents itself to you. 
And damn girl you know that you are wanted too. 
You know that what you got is something special. 
You know that if you dare flaunt it just a little, 
you are bound to piss a few peeps off, 
but that’s how it works right?
You piss some peeps off by shining oh so bright. 
And the one’s who love that light of yours will be your tribe.

So why are you holding back girl?
Why are you still hiding there in your shadows. 
Afraid to step all the way out and just go, 
BAMB!!!!!!
Here I am world!
Here I am and you know what?
I am one turned on bad a*s woman. 
There I said it. 
I claimed it. 
I am powerful and I am no longer satisfied with just sticking my toe in the pool. 
I want to swim. 
I want to totally soak up that luscious experience of turn on. 
I want to shine, 
and mask no more. 
hide no more.

Oh girl! just let yourself fly. 
Trust in your wings. 
They are beautiful. 
They are bold. 
They will carry you and they will clear the darkness for so many others who need you to lead them.

You know what I am saying here. 
You can feel it at your core. 
Seriously love. 
Just pause for a moment from all your busy work, 
all that you aim to side track yourself with and effing PAUSE.

So that you can feel. 
Feel that power inside of you. 
It feels like a dragon waking from its slumber does it not. 
Its beautiful.
Its bold.
Its fierce. 
Its strong. 
And it is YOU Baby!

You are that eruption, 
waiting to happen. 
You are that fierce fire that will conquer all those demons that you think are lurking in your shadows but are actually only illusions of others peoples fears that you have been available too.

You know what to do. 
So pause, 
stretch into yourself and FEEL your greatness.

Feel.

You are the light. 
But you must step into your own light before anything else happens.

Claim Yourself Today!
And Always Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

You Got This!

You got this!
You know you do. 
So why are you so scared. 
Why are your hands shaking, 
your gut tense, and your breathing so shallow.

You got this beautiful. 
You have had it from the get go.
You have done it before.

You know that you were not designed to just sit on the side lines and watch others live their dreams. 
No, you were made to run with the leaders. 
You were made to speak your truth. 
You were made to share that beautiful ass vision that you have in the pretty head of yours.

You have got this. 
And yet you still doubt. 
You doubt your ability. 
You doubt the time that you have. 
You doubt that you have the courage, 
the drive, 
the strength, 
the ability to get it all done and to do it right.

You fear that you will fail. 
And that makes you want to just cringe. 
That makes you want to cry. 
That makes you want to run away and hope that it all just does not follow you.

But at the same time you want it to follow. 
You don’t want to let go.
You don’t want to hide. 
You don’t want to not allow.

And that is what it is really is all about, 
is it not?

Allowing.

Allowing yourself to receive your own effing greatness. 
Allowing yourself to stand out in the crowd. 
Allowing yourself to be who you were born to be.

That f-cking amazing, 
powerful, 
dynamic, 
soul that was born to stand out. 
Born to run with the 1%. 
Those who know who they are. 
Who they want to be. 
How powerful they can be. 
And are not afraid to claim that sh*t. 
To claim all their dreams.

Yes you got this!

And if you just simply settle into having it, 
it will just happen for you.

You know that all you have to do is say mother f-cking yes to yourself.

So what are you waiting for?
What are you sitting around and hoping about, 
when it is all right there in your hands love?

You know what to do. 
So just go do it. 
Stop making those excuses. 
They are not becoming. 
There is no power in them, 
the power my love is all in you.

And you know you got this. 
So just LIVE IT.
Be IT.
And PROCLAIM IT.

Because you are a f-cking powerhouse. 
A bad a*s that knows her heart. 
That feels so much and knows how to claim it.

Nothing can stop you love. 
Unless you allow it too. 
And still the only thing that can stop you truly, 
is YOU.

You got this!
and have it you shall my love.

Because every time you look in the mirror, 
you see your greatness.
It haunts you.
It claims you.

You are not like everyone else, ‘who settles for average and ordinary.

No. 
You are a queen.
Not just any queen, 
you are a queen who knows her deepest truth, 
who desires her grandest heart to be revealed. 
You want to be seen.
You want to make an impact.
You know you have a mission love.

So realize this….
Realize that YOU are powerful.
Your focus is magic.
Your heart is your lead.
And the universe has your back love.

So leap.
Leap into that uncharted land, 
those waters that entice you. 
That you long to swim in. 
And let them carry you love.

Carry you to your dreams. 
You got this!

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
“Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

This is what you want in a partner.

From Guest Author Addison Bell

It’s all fun and games until you actually have to deal with the other side.

You sit and desire certain characteristics of those in your life, and especially out of a romantic partner. Yet, I daresay that many times you are asking for a mess of contradictions.

Its easy to look at some aspirational values and personality traits and think that this is exactly what you want to pull into your life but if you aren’t careful you will end up pulling in exactly what you don’t desire.

And the funny thing is that your Ego would probably throw a tantrum and say, “But I do do desire it, I do want that, I can hold that person” but in the end you really can’t handle it.

You might desire someone who is playful and has that flirty personality that makes you feel all bubbly inside… until they are flirty and playful with others and it smacks right into your jealousy and trust issues.

You might desire someone that knows how to act like a “lady” or “gentleman” when you are out in public and can hold the proper level of poise… until they are always poised and never able to let go of that persona (even in the bedroom).

You might desire someone that has their own life and is more free flowing with the relationship. Someone that isn’t that awful word “clingy”… until they can’t be there and support you the way that you need and you never truly feel held.

And really any trait that you desire in a partner is going to have the opposite side.

It is pretty commonly known from a psychological perspective that in relationships the aspects that often attract you to your partner are also the very same aspects that can cause the greatest struggle.

There is that old saying about how men should want a lady in the streets and a freak in the streets.

We want our partners to be both sides of a coin….
And most of the time it can mean the destruction of a relationship!

Now, thankfully we are complex beings and so are not one thing or the other. If you take the above example of having a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets… I know many women that are able to present one aspect of themselves when out at dinner parties and then turn around and have a mind-blowing sexual evening with a partner. Both are authentically them and both are aspects of who they ae.

Though these women have also worked through the stereotypes that come with both sides of the coin and know where they are authentically.

Though, lets be honest, yes I mean really honest here…

Most people are NOT doing deep personal work on a daily basis. And most people are not willing to look at when their ego’s arise in relationships. So when an aspect that is a turn on in one sense becomes a turn-off… we blame that other person. We don’t look at ourselves and where WE might be the ones that have unspoken expectations.

Many times we even struggle to admit where we struggle in relationships and where our ego’s simply can’t handle something.

You want a partner that is free, playful, open-minded but then when this pushes on your jealousy, your need for attention, and your belief that there is a certain way to “do” relationships…

Can you actually look yourself in the face or actually look that other person and say, “I don’t want you to be so free”. “I wish you weren’t so playful”, “I want you to be open-minded but just not about this topic”.

Most would look at the other person as the issue and not be able to truly say… “I am not able to hold this aspect of you”.

Again, we are complex and hold so many intricacies. Each person, situation, and experience will present a different expression of self. So what fits and is a desire with one partner or relationship could be entirely different than what fits and is a desire in another relationship.

In truth it all comes back (as always) to self and looking deep within ones self authentically. What are we desiring in our relationships? And then looking at if we truly could hold that characteristic in another if it presented to us. Where would our ego get shaken? What are non-negotiable in our relationships?

If you want freedom… how free?
If you want play… how playful?
If you want stable… how stable?
If you want sexy… how sexy?

What can you truly, honestly, at your core hold?
Get honest with yourself! And start doing your inner work to help you be able to look within when situations arise.

And more than even that…
Get honest with self when someone presents something that truly won’t fit with you and your life. Don’t pretend to be okay with something that is a hard NO. This will only push you further and further out of alignment from self.

Most importantly LOVE self first and foremost. When we do this we are most able to be authentic, honest, and love another. Even if the way we are loving that other is by letting them go and be who they are authentically.

Sending you all…

Love, Light, & Blessings,
Addison

Clarity and Space.

Clarity and space. 
Sometimes you just need one of these to get the other, 
and the other to get one. 

The thing we must acquire in life in order to manifest all that we desire and want is a feeling of satisfaction. 

How do we achieve this though?

Through clarity and space. 

I don’t know if you are anything like me, 
but I often find it difficult to ask for what I need. 
Not for what I want, 
but for what I need. 

There is a difference. 

I have a difficult time asking for what I need because I don’t want to be a bother to those I care for. 
I tend to mother all over everyone in my life and big sister the rest. 
Call it only child syndrome?
Or oldest daughter syndrome?

But I tend to find myself in moments where I am so full that there is no room for God to give me any more. 
I find myself in spaces where I can take on no more. 
My mental, emotional and even physical space is dangerously low. 

Kind of like my cell phone and computer like to tell me frequently about their space too. 
Hmmmm….. maybe that is the universe telling me something huh?

And the issue with being so full in life is that it is hard to have clarity. 

It is harder to find satisfaction with things. 
And it is even harder to manifest the things that you want because simply put….

there is no effing room for them!

Well, here is where I have been the last 90 days. 
OMFG!

I am so full. 
I feel like I have eaten Thanksgiving dinner in every breath I take. My body feels heavy. 
My energy feels stagnant. 
I am in a spiritual food coma. 

Or an abundance coma. 
Where things are now knocking at my door and then looking in and saying, oh no,
No….no….no….. 
you are a hoarder of all that energy. 

You hoard giving too much .
You hoard not saying no when you need to or want to. 
You hoard not asking for space. 
For time. 
For this or that. 

So, now you get to sit there and feel full. 
Oh, so full and unsatisfied. 

So like any good manifesting queen, 
I go after what I want. 
I am a smart woman. 
I know how to do this thing.

And so I go ask for what I want some more. 
And I ask some more. 
And I “claim to be taking time for myself” 
but instead I am really off giving time and energy to someone I care about. 
Putting my focus on them. 
Giving a sh*t too much. 
And allowing my time. 
My energy. 
My space. 
My boundaries. 
To just get trampled for the sake of love….

Or so I claim it to be that. 

But truly its not about love. 
It is about me not wanting to look greedy. 
Not 100% believing that I am worthy of asking for my needs. 
Not wanting to let anyone down. 
“Cus God forbid that I let someone else down, right?”

And then after all of that, 
you know what happens?

Frustration. 
Fear. 
Loss of energy. 
Loss of focus. 
Clarity.
Sanity. 
And I find myself feeling lost. 
Feeling hopeless. 
And feeling like none of it matters anyway. 

And so what is the answer?

How can one in these shoes get back to stable?
How can one move from this overfull state and get into satisfaction?

Pretty simple love. 

Just demand SPACE.

Move yourself into a state of space. 
Away from all who are calling on you, 
even if they mean the best by their checking in, 
even if they are sharing love, 
even if they are concerned and wanting to help. 

Move the F-CK AWAY from them and get some SPACE. 

Realize that that is the ONLY way that you will be able to have what you want. 

And to feel satisfied and get manifesting your dreams. 

You don’t have to step away forever. 
You just need a vacation. 
A detox. 

Space.

So just ask for it. 
And if you suck at asking like I do. 

Then let that only child syndrome that some of us have surface in another way and stamp your feel and pitch a fit and DEMAND IT!

Because darlin’ you are worth it. 
And your dreams are too. 

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
” Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

My Lessons Did Not Start Here.

Lessons from today. 
For every day and all of life. 
I look at today like any day,
as a day filled with lessons. 
I ask myself in moments that I struggled what I would want myself to learn had I been the one to give this challenge as a lesson. 
I looked deep into the souls of those I shared time and space with and desired more connection. 
I listened to those that touch my heart, 
as they spoke and my heart yearned to hear more.

Yes the lessons of today.

My lessons have never ended. 
Just like yours. 
They did not randomly just pick up at 1-am this morning when I woke to my four year old son having a nightmare, calling for me. 
As I realized that I had fallen asleep in the arms of a lover on my couch in front of a raging fire.

No they did not start there.

They did not start as I came to the realization that I had so much I wanted to share with this man, 
what my heart was feeling,
or what I wanted to stand in integrity with before him, 
but lost to sleep.

No they did not start here.

They did not start as I felt like opportunity for a perfect communication moment, 
a heart to heart had been escaped without a desire to escape it. The comfort of spirit sharing with me as I looked at the clock and saw 2:22 am. ( All is as it should be).

Snuggling between my youngest two. 
Connected, close and nurturing. 
Sleeping with moments of being shook awake from the fear of what I could not see. 
My babies scared of lands that only they would travel.

The reality that I can only do so much. 
I can only hold space and love.

No they did not start here.

They did not start when I looked at my morning texts and saw beauty in words shared. 
The claiming of one that I am his queen. 
The claiming of another his love.

No they did not start here.

They did not start as I drove my kindergartner to school and he exclaimed, ” Madriella’s (that’s what my boys call me), I am always so excited to make money. Getting money is fun!” and I shared that he should never loose that feeling, that that is how we keep money flowing to us.

No they did not start here. 
They did not start as I sat with my client, looking into his eye’s and looking directly into his intrigued little boy, the part of him that was scared, excited and so open to grow. As I realized that he hungered for love, he desired to set down his fears and shame, 
and JUST BE.

They did not start when I eye gazed naked with another. Revealing all of ourselves, holding sacred space, with no need for anything more. This moment, this moment that we allowed ourselves to JUST BE, and to see deep into soul. Where we had no thought. We had no intent. We just escaped into nothing.

It was not any of these moments that were the start. 
It was not the witnessing of my kindergartner getting his first awards, his pride that shone so bright, that we adults hide from as to not be seen in ill light of loving ourselves too much.

It was not the moments when I watched my ex try and connect to our youngest, only to be shunned and pushed away. Witnessing my sons anger. Witnessing my ex’s pain. My ego laughed, my heart hurt. Although not my lesson, it is still the same.

It was not the sweet moments spent, watching my children light up at a surprise treat of ice cream or running and screaming without thought at the park. Arms open wide, hearts filled with joy, laughter turning to a fist fight between brothers.

What could the lesson be?
But what it always is, 
and always will be, 
a lesson to JUST BE.

No it did not start here or anywhere in today, 
or yesterday. It is a lesson that keeps on ticking along, 
with every breath my soul takes in this body.

The lesson of just being, 
being free, 
being true, 
being in the moment.

Not judging but observing. 
Not thinking but accepting. 
Not hindering but opening.

Yes these are the moments, 
the moments that we are called to enjoy. 
The moments that we often miss.

We even try to escape them, 
because to JUST BE is among the most difficult of tasks God has given to each of us. 
To be and to receive?
How can this be what we are meant to do?

Our lessons are many. 
And each day holds a ton. 
But our lessons always come back to love.

And the LOVE of self should never be forgotten, 
for it is the one thing that will heal us. 
It is the one thing that will unit us to the divine.
And THRIVE we shall as we BECOME.

As Always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
” Coaching for Grown A*s Believers.”

That melancholy feeling.

A state of nothing.
Yep that is where I am today.

One could view it as a peaceful place.
There is not a lot happening.
Except for all those crazy ass thoughts. 
Those fears and frustrations.
Oh yeah those things that prevented me from even having a good meditation today. 
Those things that for some reason I am insisting on carrying around today.

You know, 
when I first awoke at 7-am today none of this crap was with me. I woke up, felt great and then fell back asleep. 
That was the issue. 
I feel asleep. 
Perhaps this melancholy feeling is coming from some dream that I am not recalling. 
Perhaps it is because of the events of my morning. 
Maybe it is not even mine.

I have no clue. 
All I can share is that I am in a mood. 
I am in this mood of melancholy.
Where my brain will not shut up about how I will fail. 
How bad of a person I am. 
How I should do this or that. 
And will not allow me the space to just breathe. 
To just be and to have some freaking clarity. 
Or hope.

You know as I sit here this afternoon and write this message to you, I also realize that i am bored.

Yes bored and melancholy. 
Ooooh… it’s getting better is it not. 
Can you feel me love?

Can you feel the lull of my energy. 
Can you recognize it within yourself?

What is up with this new year?
I am seeing so many of my clients right now simply getting side tracked. 
Not wanting to do their work. 
Claiming they have no time. 
No energy. 
No direction. 
No drive.

And I get it!

I really do. 
I am feeling it too. 
But you know what?

It is still a choice.

Last week I joined a millionaire mastermind group. 
I took a stand for myself. 
For the life I want to have .
For my family. 
For my freedom.

I know that the only way that I can expand into the person that I want to be, to have the relationships that I want to have and to be free in all ways that I desire that I have to be willing to level up my life RIGHT NOW.

I have to be willing to say YES even though I am feeling bored and melancholy.

—————————————————————————

This was my intimate share Saturday that never made its way live to you.

I spent the day in this state. 
I did a a powerful workshop for a beautiful group of souls in this state of being.
I stayed raw, authentic and in my truth, 
about this state of being.

And you know what. 
It is still slightly lingering.

It is holding on to all that it can. 
It is begging for me to keep it alive today by focusing in on yesterday.

Well F-ck That!

Yet this is where we get to make a choice. 
Yes you and I, 
we can each choose what we want in our lives by deciding RIGHT NOW what we really want. 
And all we have to do is FOCUS on that that we desire. 
And focus with the intent and feeling that we already have it.

That state of melancholy is nothing more than our soul saying WAKE THE F-CK UP LOVE!!!

You have grown tired of the life you are living and the way that you are living it.

You are tired because it is no longer who you really are. 
Sure it may be comfortable to live this life, 
but is there passion in it?

Do you feel called?
Curious?
Challenged?

If you are anything like me,
and I am going to go out a limb and say you must be something like me if you are following me and reading this, 
then you need to feel challenged. 
You crave the playfulness. 
The possibilities. 
You want to feel your heart beat rise a tad as you lean in a bit further to your AUTHENTIC self.

You want to step in and you want to feel the breeze under your beautiful wings.

But something has changed over the year.
Sure 2018 was powerful. 
It had lots of turbulence, chaos and transformation. 
It most certainly got you clear on what you no longer vibe with and what you do not want to create in your life. 
It got you to see what you do want and has you focused on that. 
But something is different.
The lull is here. 
In your heart. 
In your mind.
In your actions.

And that is no good. 
You will get no where in the lull, RIGHT?

No the lull is perfect love.
It is space that is needed for you to clean your internal house up. For you to take a moment to breathe and get things sorted.

The lull is Gods precious gift to you to realign. 
And that is what you are doing.

You are being requested to PAUSE.
To know that 2018 was setting you free, 
and now all you need do is rest into the lull and have FAITH.

Let God carry you for this next segment of the trail as you get things settled and organized. As you take the rest of the trash out and step back from the PUSH.

You are safe.
You are loved. 
You are worthy.
And you can FLY.

Have FAITH baby that those wings you have been building all these years will open and carry you.

And they will.
The way through the melancholy is to LEAP into FAITH.

Here is the action.
You must do.

As always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living
” Coaching for Grown A*s Believers”

Love Hurts Some Days

Love Hurts Some Days.

“My chest hurts.
It is tight and full. 
It is harboring a pain that I do not want to feel. 
It is this haunting level of fear. 
I sit here staring into the fire, 
with a prayer in my mind, 
with uncertainty in my being.
And a sensation of knowing.

Not the sort of knowing that any of us want to have. 
No a knowing that something is wrong.
My gut is in knots.
My back is tense.
My chest feel like it is being stabbed.

The burning.
The burning of flames that I am lost in mediation will do nothing more than give visualization to the tremendous amount of heated pain that I feel. “

This was my journal entry just yesterday. 
The shocking reality that I was hit with through the last week of my life was just how deeply I cared for someone that I have been resisting.

And the beautiful opportunity that has been presented to me to heal my own heart and also another’s yet again in this saga I call my life.

Love f-cking hurts some days at a level that we cannot fathom. It grabs a hold of us sometimes in a flicker, makes us warm and full of butterflies. Then at other times is creeps its way in and lingers in the shadows of our doubts and fears only to make itself known when the feeling of true loss rises up. Then we are given the chance to confront our feelings, to step into the love and to vocalize.

Once vocalized we are then given yet another opportunity for growth and love to expand even more.

We are given the opportunity to stand in it.
Yes to stand in the love and NOT run from it.

This can be one of the scariest experiences. 
Because we have to come into the reality that we are feeling something. That we have a true fear of loosing this person in our lives and that it is okay to feel it.

The fact that this triggers us in such a fashion is evidence that it is doing healing work on past wounds around love, abandonment and unworthiness.

Everyone wants to be loved. 
Everyone wants to be cherished.
Everyone wants to be felt, seen, heard. 
And everyone desires for someone to just simply give a shit enough about them to miss them.

I don’t do a lot of missing people personally. 
I live pretty unattached, letting everyone I care for and love live as they need and without me impressing my needs upon them too much. I aim to be strong enough in myself to not necessarily need anyone to fill me, but instead to add to the fullness I already have.

I love deeply. 
And as a I was just sharing with a lover the other day, those who love me deeply back and I share a level of full being intimacy with and unconditional love with will NEVER leave my heart. I will forever be in love with them no matter how the relationship evolves.

This is where the unconditional aspect comes into play.
It is based from not needing anyone, but instead accepting the gift of their love and giving the gift of our love back.

Because that is what love is : A GIFT.

And it cannot be forced. 
It cannot be made to happen according to how we perceive it needs too.
It is just a gift that is given over time and within a second.
It is just a gift that can only be felt when we are truly present with our own hearts enough to experience the offering of another’s.

Yet we lock ourselves up in these neat and tidy little boxes. 
We hide from our hearts out of the fear of getting stung by love. 
We fear that what we want to gift will not be reciprocated or appreciated and even worse that we are not worthy of being gifted it back.

This is nothing more than triggers of past hurts keeping our emotional armor up and preventing us from opening to the gift.

Love it offers us pain and pleasure. 
It teaches us about our depths, 
it teaches us about our darkness, 
and it shows us our light.

I have been sitting with multiple things the last few days based on a love scenario.

As I sat without knowing if my love was safe, was well or where they were in this world I found myself first and foremost deeply concerned for their well being. I questioned myself about any feelings of past abandonment creeping in and I was a hard core no to that as I trust this persons integrity pretty firmly. When I leaned into my heart and into my core ( my genitals as I reefer to them as my GPS a.k.a intuition) I felt that this was not a goodbye or a run away but something dealing around well-being. So I focused on that concern. Feeling helpless, I chose to investigate as much as I could and to try to get the answers I needed to set my mind and heart at peace.

God would soon come to my rescue as usual.
Gifting me with a confirmation of life.

Once solved I found myself now dealing with an old belief and wound around worthiness of love, around abandonment and around my expectations on my relationship.

Stepping back away from the ego based thoughts and just witnessing them do their dance of chaos. Today has been breathtaking and filled with personal growth to say the least.

Because that is all that is happening. 
My thoughts have decided to join a circus and put on a show for me, begging me to take part in the main ring.

Yet, if I do what I know is right and just lean back into my heart, my core ( my genitals as I reefer to them as my GPS a.k.a intuition) I regain my truth. And the truth is that I love this person and I do not need them to love me back. I do not need them to show up in any special fashion. I do not need them to do anything other than be who they are. The person that I fell in love with a few years ago. And what my GPS system is confident of is that no matter where the relationship evolves to, sharing my love and basking in theirs has been a GIFT.

So yes, love hurts on some days. 
It can give us the greatest of pleasure and the worst of pain. 
It reveals to us all side of our personality and ego.
But if we allow it to truly penetrate us. 
To truly conquer us what we are gifted is far greater than what anything else will ever provide.

What we are gifted is an expansion in self. 
A revealing of our truth to our core. 
To our soul level. 
And we are gifted a union with the divine.

Here in the space of true unconditional love we meet ourselves and learn that through the presence of love we have everything that we will ever need and we never need look any further than our own back yard.

For all that we crave resides right here within. 
It is in our acceptance of self that we embrace this world and love deeply those whom we share it with.

I love you.

As always, 
Stop Existing & Start Living

-KW