Our sexuality is a primary foundation to our lives. Sex in itself is a creative process of opening up to life and allowing it to breathe through us, however in today’s times (and it has been this way for many thousands of years now) the power of sex has been forbidden by ego baring religion that was more focused on controlling the masses then on uplifting them. After thousands of years of brainwashing, the once therapeutic form of sex work, known as humanistic sex therapy, has been virtually done away with and thought of as a sin even. But for many researchers, educators and therapists who take the time to dig deep into our history of sexuality and relationship we discover a beautiful dynamic healing tool which is once again resurfacing and making a stand as the consciousness of our world shifts.
Through the use of somatic sex therapy and coaching practices a patient/client can once again capture and embody one of the most vital aspects of themselves: Their sex. They can start to heal life long wounds and investigate safe, loving ways to embrace their desires and authentic selves, thus teaching how to do the same for someone else, weather that be a person they share an intimate relationship with or otherwise. Somatic sex coaching opens up the interconnectedness of all of life, reestablishing the positive, healthy links between our sexuality and our emotional, mental, physical, psychological and spiritual selves.
Such a holistic healing approach was once common day use for many people. If we look back to Ancient Greece even, the Greek physician Galen (129 A.D.-200A.D.), historically, one of the most influential authors on medical subjects, focused on the subject of women’s unmet sexual desire and defined it as a disease. Coining the term Hysteria (Greek for “Suffering Uterus”) to describe the anxiety, irritability, sexual fantasies, pelvic heaviness and excessive vaginal lubrication in sexually deprived or particularly passionate women. This should sound pretty common term even today, as we are a sexually deprived society and many women today complain of these sorts of issues and more.
Somatic Sex Coaching is a holistic healing approach that combines hands-on techniques (“bodywork”) with traditional sex coaching techniques. Like telling the story uses the “mind memory” to release pain and promote healing, “body memory” is used to assist in the healing process.
A key part of talk therapy is retraining the mind – letting go of old beliefs and experiences, and incorporating new ones. Somatic therapy is primarily about retraining the body, so it can respond differently. Combining the mental and physical aspects in therapy creates more opportunities for healing and change by facilitating integration of the entire experience.
Somatic Sex Therapy uses various kinds of touch to promote healing, including “laying on hands”, hugs, holds, massage, stroking and other kinds of contact, as appropriate to the client’s need. Somatic therapy has some things in common with what is popularly called “healing touch” or “therapeutic touch” but somatic therapy is not an “energy”-based therapy like Reiki and others that often involve limited touch or sometimes no touch at all. Somatic Sex Therapy could include receiving or giving the kinds of touch that you might actually experience in a sexual context. While Somatic Sex Therapy is generally done fully clothed, there are situations where (similar to therapeutic massage) removal of some or all clothing is appropriate.
There are a number of alternate titles and sub-specialties for a Somatic Sex Therapist, and many different approaches to combining the mental, physical and spiritual aspects of sexuality: Sexual-Somatic Therapist, Mind-Body Sex Therapist, Body-oriented Sex Therapist, Sexual Embodiment Therapist, Holistic Sex Therapist, Reichian Sex Therapist, Sexual Bioenergetic Analyst, Sexual Therapy Practitioner, Sexological Bodyworker, Sex Surrogate, Surrogate Partner, Sacred Intimate, Spiritual Sexuality Master, Sexual Energy Specialist, Sexual Shaman, Phoenix Fire Man/Woman, Qadishtu/Qadesh, Dakini/Daka, Tantrika, Tantric Master and Tantric Healer. Each of these professionals have a different focus and range of techniques. Some combine bodywork with psychotherapy, some are primarily bodyworkers and would work in conjunction with a traditional (no touch) Sex Therapist, and some focus on the spiritual aspects of sexuality.
Why would I want a Somatic Sex Therapist instead of a regular therapist?
Sometimes, “talk therapy” isn’t enough.
Somatic Sex Therapists help clients with a wide variety of problems, some of which have nothing to do with sex. What makes Somatic Sex Therapists different is their comfort level with sexuality and physical touch, and their ability to include an appropriate physical element to support you in achieving your goals. Consider the limitations of talk therapy in these example situations:
- “I get really anxious when someone sits too close to me on the bus.”
- “I’m lonely, but I can’t stand anyone touching me.”
- “I was raped. I want to date, but whenever a man touches me, I panic.”
- any problem where physical touch is a “trigger”
Somatic Sex Therapists are particularly helpful for resolving:
- boundary and trust issues
- body image problems
- communication problems
- anxiety or aversion to touch and/or intimacy
- pain caused by “pelvic floor guarding”, e.g. vaginismus or vulvodynia
- shame relating to fetishes or any other physical desires
- arousal problems
- lack of desire or lack of pleasure sensation
- sexual addictions
By including the physical dimension in therapy, Somatic Sex Therapists have the ability to bring greater depth to your work, and often shorten the amount of time needed to achieve the change you want.
What should I expect in a session with a Somatic Sex Therapist or Sex Coach?
You should expect the same things you would expect from any other professional. The obvious difference is that in addition to the usual conversation, sessions could include physical touch. You may be guided and encouraged to explore, but you are always in control of the limits in a session from moment to moment.
Whether the context is verbal or physical, you can expect that your boundaries will be both challenged and respected. In coaching, this can mean trying out different points of view or doing something differently than you are accustomed to, and thereby developing greater choice and flexibility. In therapy, this often means going into your “discomfort zone” so that you can access an experience and your therapist can support your resolution or reframing of that experience. Generally, once you start having a reaction, your therapist will pause and help you work through that reaction before moving on.
Your feedback is an important part of any session, and especially important in sessions involving touch. You may experience subtle internal reactions that aren’t evident, or your reaction may be obvious but unexplained. Volunteering your inner experience, such as “I’m feeling ____” or “I’m thinking ____” or “I’m remembering ____” or “I want ____” is usually helpful, just as it is in any relationship.
At all times in any session, you have the choice of saying “no” and you can expect your therapist or coach to honour that boundary. You can also expect to explore why you’ve put up that boundary and – if it’s relevant to your goals – have it appropriately challenged again.
Therapists and coaches help you develop your emotional and spiritual self much like personal fitness instructors would help you develop your physical self. As your “personal trainer”, a therapist or coach will help you do the things you’ve had difficulty doing on your own. You may initially find those things somewhat awkward or unpleasant, and you may experience pain before you see the results you want. As you develop, your sessions will be adapted to meet your changing needs and desires.
Explore Expanded Orgasm Coaching for Men HERE
Explore Orgasm Coaching for Women HERE
Below are the choices that I believe define a man, and contribute to healthier relationships in all forms, especially with self. This list is based on my experiences as a friend, son, brother, boyfriend, husband, and therapist.
I don’t claim to posses all of these traits. I actually struggle with most of them. You may or may not agree with my stance. Some are light. Some are heavy. They are in no particular order.
My intent is to create a dialogue. Nothing else. My hope is that if you are a man, it encourages you to think about who you want to be. If you are a woman, to think about whom you want to be with.
We live in a fatherless nation. Many of our fathers were or are physically or emotionally absent. I’ve seen the effects of this in the men and women who come to me for life-coaching, as well as the kids I’ve treated in residential rehab for substance abuse. The absent father contributes to eating disorders, addictions, dysfunctional or abusive relationships, codependency, low self-esteem, depression, and suicide.
Most men are not aware of their impact.
Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.
I want to thank all the men out there who have decided to look at themselves with courage to change, all the men making an honest effort to be good fathers, better husbands, and kinder friends — men who have sacrificed for their family, neighbors, and country.
I want to thank men working in mental health, hospitals, and classrooms, men who wear uniforms, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers. These are the true leaders of our world and I hope to follow in their footsteps. We are not born men. Becoming a man requires reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes a rebirth. It is a process that never ends.
How To Be A Real Man & How To Find One
Arguments are usually about two hurt people not being heard. Instead of hearing each other and addressing the hurt, we compete to see who can pull out the most shit from the past.
MEN: Break the cycle. She’s arguing with you because she’s not feeling heard. So put your point aside and focus on making her feel heard. Do this by practicing empathy, putting yourself in her shoes.
Once she feels heard, the argument can turn into a discussion. Express your point. If it gets heated again, don’t argue. Go back to addressing her feelings, making her feel heard. Make it a nonnegotiable that you will not argue. It takes two people to have a tug of war. If you refuse to hold the rope, there is no war.
You might be thinking, “Well, why should I back down first?”
What do you get from being right other than resentment and a stiff back from sleeping on the couch?
WOMEN: Exactly the same thing I said to the men.
DON’T be a bully.
Bullies aren’t just angry kids on the playground. They’re grownups. They run companies, wear uniforms, and raise families. They exist at work, home, and church. You may be sleeping with one.
The act of bullying comes in many forms, not just physical. There is emotional bullying, financial bullying, spiritual bullying, and mental bullying to name a few.
Ultimately, a bully is someone who tries to take away someone else’s power so that they can feel like they have more. For them, this feeling of being powerless creates fear and it’s this fear that drives them to be manipulative, controlling, aggressive, and abusive. Simply put, bullies are cowards. They are afraid to face their own defects and deficiencies, so they make others aware of their own.
MEN: Bullies were bullied. Break the cycle. You’re not bad. You’re hurt. This behavior does not make you powerful. It makes you powerless. Take the power back by taking responsibility for your actions and how they impact others.
WOMEN: Do you want a bully as a husband, father, or friend?
DON’T be creepy.
Being creepy comes from a false belief that one is not good enough. That builds up a fear of rejection, which engages the fight or flight mechanism. The fear can manifest as rubbing against women in dark clubs, stalking on Facebook, driving by the coffee shop to make sure she is with who she said she would be with, and, of course, overthinking everything.
MEN: First, know that being creepy repels women more than Ed Hardy shirts. Second, know that you can’t just stop being creepy. In order to stop, you must explore your wiring, your fear, and begin a process of acceptance. Simply put, you must grow.
WOMEN: When you run into someone who’s being creepy, imagine that person as Peter Pan. An adult child. Know that this person is immature, not evil. It’s a behavior men revert to because they lack certain tools.
I understand that that doesn’t make you any more attracted to them, but understanding allows empathy. My wish is that you empathize instead of criticize. Use their stunted growth to promote yours.
DO walk with mirrors.
Walking with mirrors means shattering the version of you that is false. In order to know which version is false, we must examine our thoughts, behaviors, and the effect we have on others. It also means taking responsibility for them by making a choice to choose differently if necessary. To walk with mirrors means to constantly examine self and to seek growth and truth.
MEN: Think about all the men you admire, from professional athletes to CEOs to musicians to your favorite grandfather. Who do you admire and why? You may be in awe of a man’s ability. The way Donald Trump makes money, Tiger woods sinks balls, and Tony Robbins motivates millions.
But the person you admire the most is probably the one who admits his defects and does something about it. The man who is vulnerable, transparent, and nondefensive. The man who is humble and honest.
WOMEN: Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. Find a man who walks with mirrors and you will not only find a man, but you will find a leader, a hero.
DO make your bed.
MEN: Why fix something that’s just going to get messed up in 10 hours? On the surface, making your bed shows that you’re clean, responsible, and willing to contribute to the household chores. But on a deeper level, you’re announcing to your partner, and to yourself, that you are going somewhere. You are now leaving to conquer the world. You have direction, a dream in your head, a fire in your belly.
I know you’re rolling your eyes, but humor me for a moment. Women want a man with direction. Without it, she will begin to doubt her man, and a woman in doubt means a relationship in trouble. The chemistry will change for the worse and she won’t know why. She’ll blame it on surface things like your dirty socks and why you “need” HBO.
Making your bed is about the subtext you’re sending out. You are saying you have direction, and you’re going out to conquer. So make your bed, or the only thing you’ll be doing on it is sleeping.
WOMEN: You don’t want him to make the bed. You want him to want to make the bed. How do you do this? Support him in his endeavors and make him feel invincible. Let him know that what he gets up to do every single morning is important and that you’re proud of him. Be consistent and mean it.
DO be humble.
The common thread in all great leaders is humility. When we are humble, we are open. There is space for self-understanding, awareness, and reflection. Only when we have accepted our imperfections can we be truly powerful. Unity is formed, which then builds trust. Trust allows people to feel safe, which creates cohesion, which creates change.
If a leader is self-centered, he are closed. There is no discussion. Only pointed fingers. This does not allow space for understanding or awareness or responsibility. No responsibility means no unity which means no trust, which ultimately means no growth.
MEN: When you think about all the men you respect and admire, how many of them display a sense of superiority, or talk at you instead of to you? You may respect and admire someone’s ability but that does not mean you respect and admire that person.
WOMEN: Don’t confuse humility with a lack of confidence. A man who listens more than speaks, observes first, and responds instead of reacts, may appear insecure and not sure of himself. But he’s actually being open. This ability requires courage. A humble man is a confident man.
DO kiss like you mean it.
Do you remember your first kiss? Of course you do. You know exactly where you were and what you were wearing. You remember wondering if you should use your tongue, and how long you should keep your eyes shut. But what you remember the most isn’t how it went. It’s how you felt. The butterflies in your stomach, the fear in your heart. The feeling you received, the energy you gave back. You don’t remember because you were curious. You remember because you wanted it to mean something.
Do you remember your 2,123rd kiss?
Of course you don’t.
When we kiss someone new, it’s exciting. It’s our first conduit into experiencing the other person intimately. It’s exciting.
Once we’re in a relationship, however, kissing becomes routine. Rarely do we kiss to discover. We forget the meaning behind kissing. Kissing means to express, connect, validate, assure, give, share, and explore.
MEN: Hold her face, touch her lips, look into her soul. Kiss her as if nothing else matters, as if time doesn’t exist, as if it’s the only way you could express yourself.
WOMEN: Kiss him how you want to be kissed. Show, don’t tell. Grab his head, pull his hair, reach deep into his heart with your mouth. Show him how it’s done.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock
ORIGINAL ARTICLE by John Kim of Mind, Body, Green
“Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle. “
Kendal’s Note’s on this Article:
Most men are not aware of their impact.
“Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.” WOW, this is so true. Over and over again I am shocked at how little men understand about their impact on other’s emotionally. I would like to blame it on our rape culture or the fact that we have all been raised to put the responsibility on the women for the relationship in many ways, I would also like to stand strong here and say that “No one can hurt you unless you allow them to and that you make your mind up on how you are emotionally impacted by an event, that would be very Byron Katie or Abraham Hicks of me. However, being on the receiving end of this topic and also on the giving end a few times in my life I know that sometimes this is not the case. Sure we have choice as to how we cope and get through and how quickly we decide to put on a smile and move forward, but the emotional destruction that one person (male or female) can leave on another’s path can be detrimental and at very least can put that person into a state of chaos and need for extended healing. It is vital in our relationships with lovers and our children for sure that we do not shun the reality that we play a significant role in emotional harmony and health. Our action CAN and DO effect those in our lives and we have a responsibility to be conscious about what that looks like. Feelings may just be “feelings” but they also are the connection blocks to how our lives play out. It is through our emotional state that we attract our future. Our emotions set our energtic vibration and it here that we create our lives.
So gentlemen, be cautious as to what you set up as expectations. Realize that sex is not the same energy and emotional frequency as scratching your back, for a woman it is emotional and if you want to be a superior man, one who is full of passion and on purpose then sex needs to be emotional for you as well. Learn to connect here and you will find connection EVERYWHERE!!!
Ladies, DO NOT accept a man who say’s “Oop’s, I can’t help it. That is sort of like when your having sex and a guy pauses for second in doggy position and then pulls out and penetrates your ass then says Oop’s my bad wrong hole. Bullshit! A real man needs to take responsibility, needs to become conscious and accept that he may have made a mistake but should want to heal it and do the work to do just this. ” If you ladies are calling into your lives men who are not mature enough to be a real man, then you need to take a moment and really embrace what you as a woman are accepting and feeling (valuing) for yourself. You deserve more!
Arguing, Bullying and Being Creepy Oh My!!!!
Most arguments could be avoided if one party caught their ego at the front end and realized that it takes two to tango. Often women just need to vent and we DO NOT want Mr. Fix it to speak but instead we just need to literally be held. We need not to be made feel small or incapable in these moments and certainly not told that we are acting crazy or hormonal. We get this and we feel horrible already for acting out and opening up at this vulnerable place to our men. But we have to here and there or we will become calloused, cold, aloof and non-feeling. This will only cause us to dis-trust, not feel safe or supported and in the end you will find yourself at the very least in a sexless relationship because we can no longer feel you and our libido and attraction to you will be gone. So it may be easier and better all around if you as a man just learn to “Hold Space.”
If your a Bully, well I got nothing to say other then learn to check your EGO at the door or loose in life in general. If you feel like you need to work on this and many of us do, then studying Kabbalah would be a great start for awakening and healing. And Yoga.
Being Creepy, this is one of those hard things to understand for men. I know that many men just do not understand that they are doing it. But I can tell you that if you are face booking a woman repeatedly or messaging her on a dating site or other and she is not responding then you may have sent out the creepy feel. Its pretty simple, women need and want connection, this means authentic inquiry. Not whats your relationship status and I love you in your first comments. If you are desperate then chances are you are coming across creepy. If you have confidence issues, then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you are easily insulted or are quick to accuse then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you lean in too far when talking to a woman, creepy. If you make comments about our bodies before you are dating us, creepy. If you send a dick pic and we did not ask for it, creepy. If you stand there and stare at us for more then 30 seconds but never walk over and communicate, creepy. If you follow us out of a public place, VERY creepy!!!! And STOP that Shit! Us women want men in our lives and bed’s but we don’t want CREEPY!!!! BULLY or ASSHOLE!
Mirrors, Making Your Bed and Humility. Key’s to Success!
A man who is willing to do the internal work on himself, admit he does not have all the answers and see’s that he needs healing is a man that is aligned with transformation, love and success. The trick is not to just talk about it or think about it but to actually take the steps to achieving this and searching out the people who can help. Your actions ALWAYS speak louder than your words! Remember this!!! Be willing to break your mold repeatedly and GROW!
Kissing!!! Truly the TRUTH About A Man’s Purpose, Passion and Self-Love/Acceptance.
It’s in his kiss is how the song goes and it is so very true. Guys, this is the one thing that can reveal the deeper layers of a man’s being. Its more then how the kiss makes you feel as a woman. It’s about what the kiss is saying about the man. My first husband had bad teeth, he was insecure about lot’s of things. He had lofty goals but did not want to do the work to achieve them. He procrastinated, made excuses and carried anger and resentment. He said so much but not really anything. He said far more then he should about things that were sacred or held in trust but he held back in life and only allowed the surface and ego shit to rule during our marriage. He believed he was dedicated to self growth but in reality he was lazy to it and it scared him much like his power and purpose did. He NEVER would kiss me fully. He never would passionately let me feel him. He would not embrace me and penetrate my whole being with his soul, mind and mouth. I spend 18 years feeling alone and disconnected. Then left.
I currently have a lover of 5 years who from the first kiss bared his soul to me in divine passion. His kiss makes me dripping wet and kick starts my sex no matter how dreary a mood I am in. He always tells me that he loves that I am always smiling. That I am always turned on and laugh so much around him. He tell’s me that I make him feel like a man. Like he can do anything. He grabs me and passionately opens himself to me. He is present and on purpose. He is driven in his life in many ways and does not procrastinate. He puts health and play as focus points and takes care of business. He has his set of insecurities but he does not focus on them and he lives life from purpose and and desires instead of allowing the bad stuff that happens to us all to get him down for very long. He is not afraid to share his heart and emotions, but also does not allow them to carry him off.
It’s in his kiss ladies and gent’s. And if you want to know where a man is at with his purpose, passion and self-love/acceptance and even his presence level then here is where you can figure it out!
If you are not penetrating her and making her weak at the knee’s with your kiss then look back at how you feel about yourself, life, where you are at and what you are doing and go do the internal work as well as the physical work to change this. Don’t just think your a bad kisser and need lesson’s. What you need is PURPOSE! Find yours and open.
Let me preface this by saying I’m part of this group, too. Just because I’m a licensed therapist doesn’t mean I don’t need therapy. I have many, many things to work on, one of which is getting back into therapy.
Full disclosure: I haven‘t seen a therapist in years. I understand if you think that makes me a hypocrite, but it is my truth. I would rather be honest than pretend to be someone I am not.
Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle.
But here’s what I’ve learned from both my personal and professional experiences. Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle, something we must thread into our daily lives. And therapy can be the needle to guide that thread.
Yes, women need therapy too. But multiple studies and researchers have pointed to the fact that women make up nearly two-thirds of therapy patients, while men arguably benefit more from the process.
We have to let go of what we can’t control and just focus on our own shit.
I believe all men need therapy, including myself. Here are four of the most compelling reasons:
1. This generation doesn’t clearly define the male identity.
You might argue that this lack of definition is about the culture of 2015. Society had a strong definition of “the ideal man” in the ′20s, ′40s, ′50s, etc. But I believe it has to do with the fact that we live in a fatherless nation.
More than ever, our fathers are either physically absent or emotionally unavailable. So, how does a son learn who he is as he crosses into manhood? He doesn’t. The shadow of a suggestion of an identity he struggles after is one learned through advertising, media, and coping.
I worked as a therapist in residential treatment for about six years. I treated teens struggling with addiction, and the vast majority of them had an absent father. The boys clung to me, desperate for a positive male role model. They wanted a guide, a mentor, a man to teach them about life — what all boys crave at that age. I know I did. When deprived of that, they try to fill the void in unhealthy ways.
Therapy is a safe space for men who grew up with absent dads (most of us) to process the loss we’ve suffered, whether we realize it or not, and to create a new, healthy definition of what it means to be a man.
2. Therapy helps you find tools that will exponentially improve your relationships.
Generally speaking, men tend to maneuver more on a logical plane and women on an emotional one. Many men struggle to express their feelings, eventually leaving their partner in the dark, resulting in the two being separated by the unspoken issue(s) between them. Eventually, they grow apart.
I see this all the time in the couples I coach: Men tend to go to “fix-it” mode instead of expressing themselves and holding a safe space for their partner. They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles.
Since therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles. Once we have the ability to express ourselves, we can stop trying to fix it. Instead, we can be present, and create a safe space for our partner to talk to us. Then confrontations can turn into healthy conversations, creating closeness, trust, and stronger relationships.
Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you have problems. It means you want to be a healthier version of yourself. It just means adding more tools to your toolbox. These tools will translate directly into your relationship.
Your partner will see the difference in you and may be inspired to go on his or her own journey. Now we have two pistons pumping. Translation: You’ve stopped the tug-of-war and started to move in the same direction. This is the only way to improve a relationship.
It’s never about the other person. It’s about you.
3. It’s the only way a lot of men ever learn to stop trying to fix everything.
Men tend to think they can do everything by themselves. Not necessarily because of ego. It’s a pressure we put on ourselves to take care of the people we care about. When it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t realize that we are only 50 percent of the equation.
By thinking we can fix it, we can easily cross the line into controlling behavior without even knowing it. That means we have to let go of what we can’t control, and just focus on our own shit. This is what therapy is all about. Therapists are trained to keep the focus on the client so they can take ownership of their own issues and let go of other people’s.
I believe that with this mindset, the dynamic of the relationship will shift. There will be a lot less pressure and a lot more trust. Of course, women can do the same.
But from coaching hundreds of women, I’ve learned that the majority want their man to take the lead. It gives them hope and builds trust. Then they become inspired to work on anything they need to work on.
We get into a chess game with each other, subconsciously. We won’t change or work on ourselves unless the other person does too. But the only thing that grows in that dynamic is anger and resentment. It’s never about the other person. It’s about you, the kind of person you want to be, and what you want to bring to the relationship.
4. We have a responsibility to be better men than our fathers were.
I know it’s 2015, and much progress has been made. But men still tend to shy away or get embarrassed about seeing therapists. There’s a pervasive misconception that therapy is for people with “real problems.” So, men just talk to their friends, who are biased, and can’t advise them with the same experience, perspective, or authority. Men tend to associate “treatment” with weakness. I think we believe that if we see a therapist, we are admitting defeat. We are admitting we can’t fix it on our own. That last part is true. We can’t. But that’s okay.
Imagine if men went to therapy as much as they go to the gym. How many relationships would be saved? How many sons would have a healthier definition of manhood? And how many daughters would have higher self-esteem and a sharper radar when it came to boys? Imagine how much pain and destruction we could avoid. Then tell me it’s not a good idea.
ORIGINAL ARTICLE on Mind, Body Green
Photo Credit: Stocksy
I once read an article where the author said: “Never sleep with someone you don’t want to be.” Such a profound statement. In Tantric teachings it is also taught that all the people with whom we make love to, leave a trace into our being.
It’s likely that many have noticed how they have experienced varying degrees of pleasure, different orgasms and excitement with different partners in their life. Why is it though that with one partner we experience really powerful orgasms while with another partner the orgasms are either weak or non-existent? Usually it is said that it’s not a good match physically. Physical compatibility is of course important, but there’s a lot more in play here.
All of us hold both feminine and masculine energy and for our whole lives we seek to keep these two energies in balance. We are attracted to the opposite sex because they have what we need. Women share their feminine energy with men and men share their masculine energy with women. Those on the spiritual path aspire to the same experience through various practices like yoga, meditation, etc. We all subconsciously seek for it. Whenever we spend time with or have sex with the opposite gender the energies get balanced for a moment. The moment we experience an orgasm is the moment when masculine and feminine energies in our being are balanced – the plus and the minus have become zero. And this zero-point is different with different partners.
Our inner masculine
Let’s take a closer look at this process. As a woman my feminine side is more active and my masculine side is asleep, so to say. To awaken the masculine energy that lies dormant in me I need a man. Not every man though can awaken the masculine energy in me. The masculine in me is of a certain type – tantric teachings describe that he is the whole of our past lives that we lived as men and affected by men with whom we’ve had close relations with in this life. This means that my inner male has certain features and an appearance. To connect with my inner male it’s enough for me to look at what kind of men I’m attracted to – those who best match my inner male also awaken him the most in me.
Suppose there are two men: Marc and Dave. Marc awakens my inner man 50% and Dave 90%. We don’t experience powerful orgasms with Marc, but with Dave the sex is simply glorious. This means that Dave is very similar to my inner male. This shows for example that if I attract so called bad boys, my inner male also carries a similar energy. So if I’m more with the so-called good guys, my inner male is good as well. This means, that if we wish to attract a different type of a partner, we need to consciously work with changing our inner male.
The inner male can be changed through spiritual practices. For example if I purify my being, then my inner male gets purified with it. Or we can change our inner male by knowingly starting to spend time with the types of men we want to be like. This can be problematic at first as these types of men might not seem very attractive initially. This is why this needs to be a very conscious decision. If we consistently spend more time with good guys, then soon they won’t appear as boring, because our inner male has started to change. You don’t always need to have intercourse with these people; even spending time as friends is enough for our inner male to start picking up features from them. One moment you might notice that your taste in men has changed completely.
Exactly the same description of the process goes for men and their inner females. And naturally our inner male or female is similar to our father or mother, as people with whom we’ve spent a lot of time together. Oftentimes men seek for a woman similar to their mother as women seek for men similar to their father.
Women are receptive
There’s another important topic here that is good for women to know. When we live with certain types of men, our own being starts become like them – due to a simple principle that women receive and men give. This goes much deeper though. One of the re-occurring topics of relationships is women’s emotionality. It is as if men don’t have any emotions at all, they are peaceful and stable, while women have a constant storm of emotions. Both partners play an important role in all relationship situations. Women are by nature more sensitive and also more receptive. Many women have surely noticed how they are calm and balanced when living alone. Then they meet a man, spend some time together and suddenly it’s as if she’s another woman. How so? There is of course personal development in relationships and we push each other’s buttons, but there is more to this.
Men who have been taught to suppress their feelings since young have learned other ways to unload their emotions and one of those ways is sex. So where will they unload their emotions during sex? Into the woman of course, who energetically receives the man’s storm of emotions and stores it in her. The man feels relief while the woman can’t keep the storm inside her as it would damage the woman. The woman ends up expressing the man’s emotional storm and gets blamed for it.
Women who don’t express their emotions though, might get health problems. Cervical cancer is one example. This is the second most common cause of death for women after breast cancer, while there are only 30-40 cases per a large state of men dying due to penile cancer.
In an energetical level men release their stress into women, thus grounding themselves with sex, and women in their receptivity take it in. Our cervix is very receptive and delicate as our center of our femininity. This makes it important to check with whom to have intercourse with, what the underlying energy-exchange might be like and what will we be taking into our being. If it seems that the man uses sex only to discharge themselves, then a smart woman would decline of such sex.
Sexual intercourse is for balancing each other – where a woman gives tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity to the man and the man on his part offers balance, grounding and inner direction to the woman. Sexual energy should be used consciously for strengthening the relationship bond and creating more love energy. This is one of the differenciating characteristics of a tantric couple when compared to a so-called regular relationship – the tantric couple is conscious in both their relationship and their sexuality.
Sexual slackness is rather common in our society and has little to do with being conscious. When partners cheat on each other in a relationship, then even if they don’t understand it, they’ll be bringing energy from other people into their relationship. By having affairs, one collects other people’s energetic baggage and this ends up affecting their everyone and the relationship.
Successful businessman and author Jim Rohn has said: „You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Next time you’re about to have intercourse with someone ask yourself: would I want to be this person? Do I respect them or not? Do the qualities they carry in themselves make me a better person? How well do I even know this person?
–Tantric Therapy, Katrin
Kendal’s Notes on This Article
When a friend shared this article with me, I knew it was something I had to pass along to everyone. Tantric Practitioner, Katrin hits the nail on the head in this blog post.
I could do a workshop just on this concept it is so powerful and the true understanding goes into the spiritual and quantum physical realms. It is an ancient concept and one that I personally have prescribed to since I started my own healing work on myself many years ago in the land of sexuality.
Quick story: There is a man, he might even be reading this newsletter right now…lol – This man from the first time I met him rocked my sexual energy world. My body ignited from looking at him, from the smell of his scent, from his kiss and when he spoke with that Mathew McConaughey voice my knees quaked and my pussy got wetter. Our talks were always good, we laughed and enjoyed so many things in common. I spent almost 5 years trying to make the relationship work. I wanted truly nothing other than his friendship and some hot sex, which one would assume would be a slam dunk when the turn on is so high as it is and was with this man. However, the problem was that every time we went there I literally could not feel him and then the after math of our sexing was that I would become extremely hormonal, angry, depressed and even physically sick. My body would ache. I felt like a used old shoe that had been kicked under the bed to be forgotten. I felt like I was just that a “fuck” and not even a fuck buddy, but just some place for him to jack off into. I felt like a container for his stress and all the negativity and chaos he had going on in his life would just cast a nasty shadow on me for a few weeks after.
Why was this?
Because women are receptive. And because in all actuality I was nothing more than this for him, my heart and soul knew from the first time we had sex and my body tried to warn me, but my stubbornness persisted and I kept trying to fix what was never meant to be.
Try explaining that to someone when your breaking up….
Another quick tale: I was married for 17 years to the same man. Him and I had 5 children together, worked on building a business together, did the whole through tough times, sickness and health thing. We stuck it out the best we could in the face of everything that we created and tried running from. Around year 11 or 12 of our marriage things became really toxic. We had had issues in the past but we were now really lost at sea and it appeared that I had developed a case of some really bad depression, even bi-polarness and everyone told me that I needed medicine. I would fly off the handle at seemingly little things, I did not want anything to do with sex and then I was a raging horn dog, I would develop yeast infections, bladder infections, kidney infections, sinus infections and had migraines. I was constantly tired, over weight, and hated life. I was sad all the time and could not find the light at the end of any tunnel because there was no tunnel, the darkness had just consumed me. I did some really crazy ass shit in this 3 year time frame. I burned my wedding dress and ring, I axed our garage refrigerator, I got mad so took it out on a toilet and almost lost my finger, I karate chopped the Christmas tree with all the ornaments on it. I stripped and dared the cops to come get me as I walked sown the street. And I woke up everyday wishing I had not woke up. I was lost in misery.
Today, most people who know me would have a tough time believing I could ever do that. Looking back I can hardly believe that I did that stuff, because it is not inside me at all to act like that. So what was the cause of my chaos, depression and bi-polarness?
It’s what I was being down loaded with in my sex life from mu husband. Not blaming him here, for we both had no clue. But looking back, my body was begging me to stop infecting it with this chaos. It rebelled by giving me yeast infections, bladder infections and other chronic issues. It was trying to protect me. But I did my wifely duty and had sex.
Today, I lead a calm, turned on life. My ex- husband, still living in the chaos, depression and bi-polarness. He is still confused and lost .
Today I look at the men I choose to share myself with and they all are of higher vibrations, they are determined, driven, clear, smooth energy men. They love playfulness, the adore learning, they avoid chaos and drama, they maintain their emotions and work on themselves before pointing the finger outward. They are extraordinary gentlemen and they download into me with our sexing and orgasms a life that I want to live, a life that is full, harmonious and on purpose.
So, yes we DO become like the people we have sex with. So be cautious as to who you are regularly enjoying intimate moments with, because there is no other place like the bedroom where association means so much.
This musing is intended for all the lovely women of the world but I am certain that many men out there will read this and for you incredible gentlemen who do please know that I would greatly appreciate your help if it crosses your heart to share this musing with the woman or women in your life. The power of this information is a must in our day and age and for human relationship in general.
For you lovely ladies, you are GODDESSES. Can you feel that divine beauty and power inside yourself or has the world of today so focused on the masculine style of living and doing masked you from your true grace and power? Let me ask you ladies this:
Are You A Woman Who Feels Stress/Tension/Blockages In Your Vagina or Core?
Let’s face it every day life is full of stress. If you are a mother like I am it can seem some days that you are lucky to get your teeth brushed let alone anything else. Add in the stress that many have of relationships that are troubled, financial concerns and pressures, career and any past trauma that may arise at any given moment it is amazing that we can focus on much of anything with out constant emotional or physical upheaval. All of these things when not properly processed in the mental/physical/emotional bodies can all lead to tension and blockages in our vagina’s and at our core. It is extremely important to cleanse, rejuvenate & reactivate positive healing energy to these zones of discord. But How can we do this on a daily basis in a comfortable, easy to manage way?
Are You One Of Many Women Who Want To Come Back into and/or Unleash Their Sensuality And Femininity
Today’s world finds us in a time of transition. We have so many men and women who are feeling lost and long deeply for real, authentic connection, yet do not know how to achieve this. Women have been programmed to believe that living in a masculine, focused, driving and striving for material success form is the way to be. This form of being has created a world of women who are more masculine then feminine. It has created a world where we women feel that being feminine means being overly emotional, unstable and powerless. It has created the idea that the only way to true success and value in life is to act in the energy of what men do instead of allowing ourselves the power of our hearts to create, dance, love and be women.
Sensuality is almost a lost art for many women. Many of us have become technical in our loving and sexing skills and are afraid to let our divine sensual nature out. Yet it is this nature that is our TRUE power!But how do we allow ourselves to be feminine, soft, emotional, sensual, trusting and do I dare even say it VULNERABLE in this day and age without losing ourselves to a man who wants to control or a world that says that we cannot or should not be this way?
Are You A Woman Who Feels Numbness/Tension or Stiffness In And Around Your Genitals
I personally spent years with this issue. I pushed myself to have painful sex with my partner even when I knew I would be in pain for the next week from it. I tried to ignore the constant onset of vaginal discomfort, dryness and even yeast infections because I had tried everything I could to heal these issues with no luck. And what I discovered was that every part of my body (just like yours) corresponds to my emotional and spiritual state of being. I discovered that all the creams, medical treatments and the ignoring of patterns only added on to my problems and were not real cures to what was actually happening at a much deeper level then my physical body. I had to do something out of my box of comfort to once and for all heal my body or I was destined to live in a state of misery. So what did I do and is it something that any woman in any state of being can duplicate for herself to heal as well? Is it something that can be achieved quickly, easily and naturally?
Are You Woman Who Feels Guilt/Shame/Fear Or Has Experienced Trauma In Your Life
Many women have stored negative and/or fearful emotions or trauma within their vagina yet traditional western medicine and styles of living DO NOT want to approach this topic. The biggest issue with the way many of us have been raised is that we have these stored experiences without knowing or realizing it, matter a fact we do not even want to accept it because it means dealing with our girly parts and that is just not acceptable. After all they are dirty, forbidden and only really for procreation. We certainly do not openly get education or training on how to heal them naturally or admit that there may be something wrong that we need help with. Yet we can accept without any issue at all that we get tension headaches, or feel stress in our backs, necks and shoulders. We understand that getting an ill feeling in our gut is a sign that perhaps something is not right, but how can our vagina’s have this inner knowing and voice too? And do they really store negative energy and emotions like all our other body parts? The result of ignoring this is a tense, sore, non or infrequently orgasmic vagina. So how can we heal this?
Are You A Woman Who Has Had Children and Wants to Restore Your Vaginal Health & Strength
Anyone who has had a child or children knows that it takes some time to recover from delivery. Even if you had a C-section your womb needs time to heal and restore itself back to a pre-delivery/pregnancy state. In general with daily maintenance it takes at least 9 month to 18months to fully heal from the birth of a baby. Often, during this time many women have a tough time doing daily vaginal exercises and do not fully understand the importance of them anyway, leaving them years later with weak bladders, weak vaginal walls, PC muscles, painful cervix’s and weak to no orgasms along with many other issues such a out whack pH levels, imbalanced hormones and what is known of as the mummy tummy. So how can you prevent and/or even reverse these issues and more without surgery or major challenges?
Are You One Of The Many Women Who Want To Experience Better, Painless and More Frequent Orgasms
Hard to orgasm even with a vibrator or is with a vibrator the ONLY way you can? Lack of interest in sex? You just cannot produce the lubrication that you use too so sex is painful? You wish you could feel your partner more but you just feel dead down there? These are all issues that I personally have experienced and I know through the coaching of hundreds of women that they are common as well. So are there treatments outside of pills, man-made lubricants that don’t really work and cause the delicate pH levels of the vagina to become out of balance as well, or other pharmaceutical treatments that can REALLY help in healing and curing these issues as well as stimulate better orgasms even G-spot orgasms?
Are You A Woman Who Wants To Heal Their Mind, Body & Soul Holistically
Through ancient Chines/Taoist and Tantric practices you can experience a fully healed, charged and orgasmic state of being in ALL areas of your life. By opening up to cleansing and removing the blockages of your vagina through a few self-practice treatments done daily or weekly at home you can have the life that you have always wanted. Restoring vaginal health, strength and well being. You can harmonize your emotions and hormones. You can discover better orgasms. You can heal vaginal health issues without drugs. Reduce PMS symptoms as well as menopause.
Yes you have the opportunity to learn these 5000 year old secrets of high priestesses, queens, sexually liberated women from deep in the heart of time that WILL for certain change your life and allow you to lead a liberated, shame free, powerful, orgasmic state of being.
So the ONLY question now is: Are You Ready To Heal and Say YES to YOURSELF?
If you answer yes then please note that there are two ways for you to learn these secrets and more for your vaginal health and strength. 1) Private Coaching with Kendal 2) The Power of Vaginal Weight Lifting and Other Sexual Secrets Workshop Email me direct to find out if a class in session soon and more about 1+1 Coaching. firstname.lastname@example.org
Humans experience an array of emotions, anything from happiness, to sadness to extreme joy and depression. Each one of these emotions creates a different feeling within the body. After all, our body releases different chemicals when we experience various things that make us happy and each chemical works to create a different environment within the body. For example if your brain releases serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin, you will feel good and happy. Convexly, if your body releases cortisol while you are stressed, you will have an entirely different feeling associated more with the body kicking into survival mode.
What about when we are thinking negative thoughts all the time? Or how about when we are thinking positive thoughts? What about when we are not emotionally charged to neither positive nor negative? Let’s explore how these affect our body and life.
POSITIVE VS. NEGATIVE
Is there duality in our world? Sure, you could say there is to a degree, but mostly we spend a lot of time defining and judging what is to be considered as positive and what we consider to be as negative. The brain is a very powerful tool and as we define what something is or should be, we begin to have that result play out in our world. Have you ever noticed, for example that someone driving can get cut off and lose their lid, get angry and suddenly they are feeling negative, down and in bad mood? Whereas someone else can get cut off while driving and simply apply the break slightly and move on with their day as if nothing happened. In this case, the same experience yet one sees it as negative while the other doesn’t. So are things innately positive and negative? Or do we define things as positive and negative?
CUT THE PERCEPTIONS AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
After thinking about it for a moment you might realize that there are in fact no positive or negative experiences other than what we define as such. Therefore our very perception of an experience or situation has the ultimate power as to how we will feel when it’s happening and how our bodies will be affected. While we can always work to move beyond our definitions of each experience and move into a state of mind/awareness/consciousness where we simply accept each experience for what it is and use it as a learning grounds for us, we may not be there yet and so it’s important to understand how certain emotions can affect our health.
“If someone wishes for good health, one must first ask oneself if he is ready to do away with the reasons for his illness. Only then is it possible to help him.” ~Hippocrates
The connection between your mind and body is very powerful and although it cannot be visually seen, the effects your mind can have on your physical body are profound. We can have an overall positive mental attitude and deal directly with our internal challenges and in turn create a healthy lifestyle or we can be in negative, have self destructive thoughts and not deal with our internal issues, possibly even cloak those issues with affirmations and positivity without finding the route and in turn we can create an unhealthy lifestyle. Why is this?
Our emotions and experiences are essentially energy and they can be stored in the cellular memory of our bodies. Have you ever experienced something in your life that left an emotional mark or pain in a certain area of your body? Almost as if you can still feel something that may have happened to you? It is likely because in that area of your body you still hold energy released from that experience that is remaining in that area. I came across an interesting chart that explores some possible areas that various emotions might affect the body.
When you have a pain, tightness or injuries in certain areas, it’s often related to something emotionally you are feeling within yourself. At first glance it may not seem this way because we are usually very out of touch with ourselves and our emotions in this fast paced world, but it’s often the truth. When I’ve had chronic pains in my back, knees, neck or shoulders, it wasn’t exercise, physio or anything in a physical sense that healed it, it was when I dealt with the emotions behind it. I know this because I spent the time and money going to physio and even though I wanted and believed I would get better, something wasn’t being addressed still. The more I addressed the unconscious thought pattern and emotions throughout my body, the more thins loosened up and pain went away. When you get sick or are feeling a lot of tightness and pain, often times our body is asking us to observe yourself and find peace once again within yourself and your environment. It’s all a learning and growing process we don’t have to judge nor fear.
YOU HAVE THE POWER
Davis Suzuki wrote in ‘The Sacred Life’, ‘condensed molecules from breath exhaled from verbal expressions of anger, hatred, and jealousy, contain toxins. Accumulated over 1 hr, these toxins are enough to kill 80 guinea pigs!’ Can you now imagine the harm you are doing to your body when you stay within negative emotions or unprocessed emotional experience throughout the body? Remember, you have all the power in you to get through anything life throws at you. Instead of labeling with perception the concepts of negative and positive as it relates to each experience you have in your life, try to see things from a big picture standpoint. Ask yourself, how can this help me to see or learn something? Can I use this to shift my perception? Clear some emotion within myself? Realize something within another and accept it? Whatever it may be, instead of simply reacting, slow things down and observe. You will find you have the tools to process emotions and illness quickly when you see them for what they are and explore why they came up. If you believe you will get sick all the time, and believe you have pain because it’s all out of your control, you will continue to have it all in an uncontrollable manner until you realize the control you have over much of what we attract within the body. Credits: Joe Martino of Collective Evolution Original Posting of Article @ The Mind Unleashed
Photo Credit to Awesome Mind Secrets
Do (or did) you and your spouse have significantly different levels of desire for sex? If so, you are not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 couples has a sexual desire gap? But just because you aren’t alone, it doesn’t mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn’t. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce. If you don’t believe me, watch this TEDx talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No’s have veto power.
Here’s the scoop. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex — if she or he doesn’t want it, it generally doesn’t happen. This is not due to maliciousness or a desire for power and control, it’s just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn’t. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love’s longevity.
But what’s a so-called “low desire spouse” to do?
Believe it or not, although sometimes the causes of low sexual desire are complex and deeply rooted, this is not always true. One of the most common causes for a sexual desire gap is also the simplest to solve. I recommend that the person with low desire adopt the Nike philosophy, and “Just Do It!” Why?
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice said, “I wasn’t in the mood when I started making love but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself. It felt great.”
After seeing lots of this in my practice, I started to look around at the literature about sexual desire and discovered that for millions of people, sexual desire doesn’t just happen, you have to make it happen. (Basson, R.) But what does this actually mean?
The human sexual response cycle is thought to have four stages:
Stage 1: Desire, which is defined as having a sexy thought or sexual fantasy that often occurs out of the blue or in response to a trigger such as seeing an attractive person, smelling a aromatic perfume, or watching a hot movie. Desire then prompts us to become sexually active.
Stage 2: Arousal is the excitement we feel, the physiological changes in our bodies once we’re physically stimulated
Stage 3: Orgasm
Stage 4: Resolution, when our bodies return to the resting state.
But for almost half the population, stages one and two are actually reversed. They don’t feel sexual desire until they’ve been physically aroused, until they’ve been touched. But once they’ve been stimulated, they feel plenty of desire. They’re hot to trot. For these folks, arousal leads to desire, not the other way around.
If this sounds like you, it behooves you to do a little experimenting. Stop waiting for the fireworks to happen before you become sexual. Be receptive to your partner’s advances even if you’re not totally in the mood. Why? Two reasons.
You might just find that once you’re into it, you’re really into it. Plus, notice the changes in your spouse. She or he will be much nicer to be around. But don’t take my word for it. Try it. At least watch this new TEDx Talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. She is the Founder of DivorceBusting “Like” her on Facebook, and get her latest videos on YouTube.
ORIGINAL POST @ Huffingtonpost
The mysterious land of sex and relationship coaching does not have to elude you anymore, matter a fact you may be surprised at just how beneficial this service can be in your own love life.
As a practitioner of Tantra, a real life sex educator (basically this means I pull NO punches on the facts and am a realist) and the mother of six children, I have experienced my fair share of interesting events in the sex and relationship world and that is not even taking into account the time frame I spent dating 10 gentlemen all in unison or the 17 year marriage that I had the pleasure of learning from. All providing me with an authentic, loving eye to the BIG world of sex and relationship and how taboo it is for us as a society to speak of these intimate and empowering or dis-empowering moments in our lives. I have come to see how hard it can be for many single’ and couple’s to open up to a therapist or teacher and even how much more courage it takes to become vulnerable with their lover(s) and self. Below are 10 things that you may have not known about sex therapy/coaching/educating that will help you to evaluate the practice as the healing modality that it is, hopefully releasing some of the preconceived notions and taboo’s of it as well.
So what do sex coaches do (or don’t do), what issues can they help solve, what happens inside their office or sacred space (even a coffee shop)?
1. Your Sexual Confidence Overflow’s Into Your Daily Life – Sex Coaching Can Help Empower You in Both
I hear a lot of the time from people that they don’t need sex coaching because they have a good sex life, no hangups or trauma but what they do need is a life coach or a coach that will help them with an issue that has nothing to do with the bedroom. One of the biggest issues that we have in society today is our need to compartmentalize everything, not embracing the fact that everything is interconnected.
“What people don’t expect from sex therapy is how strong, confident and assertive they become in every area of their lives,” says Marne Wine, a licensed professional counselor and AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) certified sex therapist in Westminster, Colorado. “Sex therapy is just life playing itself out in the bedroom. Are you willing to be OK with yourself because you don’t know everything or have all the answers? Are you willing to put yourself out there and risk ridicule and failure? Once you learn to do that in the bedroom—naked—you can do it anywhere.”
When you are feeling connected and are able to receive as well as give properly, in love and sexually, you feel like you can do anything. Our fulfillment in our intimate relationships, both emotionally and sexually transfer out into all other areas of our lives. Our intimate relationship are a reflection and a stage on which we can choreograph our full life expression: weather that is showing up in our love life, our work life, with our purpose, our children, friends or in our health. When things are not aligned and harmonious in your sexual relationship(s), it drags all the other parts of your life down with it.
2. Being Naked With Your Sex Coach Does Not Involve Nudity
Through the years what I have found to be one of the biggest hurdle’s for people to get over is their own predetermined thoughts of what they “think” sex therapy or coaching even Tantric work is. Most of the time, clients are either one of two things: fearful that the therapy/coaching might involve physically intimate situations or hopeful that they will. To set the standard straight, traditional sex therapy/coaching (talk therapy) is just that, talk therapy and DOES NOT entail any sort of physical nudity. When coaches refer to being naked in this sense they are speaking of the emotional/physiological vulnerability of be naked, letting down your guards and fulling being authentic with your coach.
When you move into the world of Tantric practices and teaching you do open up the gateways of more vulnerability and nudity. Often Tantric work is a pseudo label for bodywork that deals with the genitals. This sort of ancient practice is along the same belief systems as acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, and massage. For centuries it has been known that the human body stores stress, trauma, and even memories in the cellular tissue of our muscles yet in modern times we are told that it is wrong to treat the genital areas of men and women as though we would treat their backs, necks, legs or feet. Tantra teaches that we must heal the entire body and not ignore or separate one aspect of ourselves from another but instead embrace and heal all parts in order to unite them and restore harmony to the whole-being. This being said, each Tantric Coach is an individual and practices are as unique as the teachers themselves. It is best before stepping foot down the Tantric path to fully explore what the style of the teacher is that you are pursuing and make certain that you are comfortable and in alignment with how they practice.
There are other types of people who work in the sex therapy world as well, such as sex surrogates, but there are very few legal certified surrogates in the United States at this point.
3. Authenticity and Healing the Sexual Self is Taboo, but NOT in Your Coaches Presence
I have worked with individuals and couple’s alike who face their shadow’s on a daily routine in my care. Everything from repressed memories, sexual hangups and fantasies or issues of abuse that frightens them to talk about, there is truly no subject too taboo for a sex therapist/coach. We have heard it all and many of us have been through our own shadow lands and know how hard and painful these things can be to vocalize. The truth in the therapy is that when you become vulnerable enough and find the courage to lay it all out on the table to your coach or therapist; you have finally stepped into releasing the shame, trauma and suffering in the victim-hood and have made way for empowerment and healing.
Often I hear from my coaching clients, “I feel so comfortable with you. I don’t normally share like this and especially about these sort of things.” This safe container that is made between the client and the coach is there because we sex coaches and therapists have experienced ourselves and with our clients so much that we have learned the valuable lesson of holding space free from judgement and criticism. It is in everyone’s best interest that the container be safe and full of unconditional love.
4. Finding the Right Sex Coach/Therapist or Tantra Teacher Is The Foundation Of Your Healing
Are you considering a sex therapist because they have a license? Are you wanting a sex coach because they have a certification from some institution or center somewhere? Are you wanting a Tantra teacher that claims to be trained by such and such leading tantra school?
Certifications, licenses, and other formal schooling are all powerful resources and I believe that they do help in the client healing process. But they are not the foundation of what makes a good healer, coach, therapist or educator. A truly good coach will be one who has the moral standards that align with what their clients needs and desires are. They are individuals who know that they do not hold all the answers but know how to hold the space needed for their clients to discover the right answers for themselves. They speak not just from the formal education and intellectual understanding that they have gained through their certifications but also from their life experiences and personal healing journey.
To ensure that you are with the right coach/teacher/therapist for you:
- Explore your coaches background.
- Get testimonies and references.
- Meet your coach/therapist for a consult in person prior to any therapy work.
- If your practitioner does any group events/talks/seminars, attend at least one prior to working one on one with them so that you can get a feel for how they relate to people and what people think of them.
- Get your questions and concerns answered and BE direct in what you are wanting or not wanting in your experience.
- And if, after the first appointment, you don’t feel comfortable with the coach/therapist, find another one—or ask for a referral. A good coach will keep your best interests at heart—not there ego.
5. Sex and Relationship Coaching is Not Just For Crappy Lovers or Traumatized Individuals
But we already have a GREAT sex life and deep intimacy, so what can you do for us?
“Most people believe that something has to be broken, or that they do, in order to seek sex therapy. What I do is more about sexual and emotional enhancement, making things better, than it is about Slot A and Prong B. The most frequent therapeutic outcome of any sex therapy is the relief that comes with being able to talk about sexual feelings, thoughts and fantasies, just putting them out there to be examined.” according to Isadora Alman, a marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified sexologist in San Francisco and I would have to agree with her 100%. Many of the couple’s that I have worked with have come to me to have support and learn new skills in their sex and emotional relating with their partner, others have come in hopes of healing an issue or misunderstanding even a desire for saving their relationship, but I would say about 40% of my couple’s clients are coming to me for enhancement not fixing. These couple’s want to go deeper in their already dynamic relationships. They want to feel more, love more and they want to explore their partners hearts, souls and bodies with more passion, understanding and empathy.
6. Your Marriage May Not Be Lost After All
Sex is the backbone to the marriage or intimate relationship(s). When we loose respect, connection, empathy and desire for our partners during our sexing it takes a major toll on our whole relationship. When a couple is having troubles with their sex life, a traditional marriage counselor might say, ‘You need to make time for you two to connect’ when it’s way more than just connecting for sex. If desire is no longer on the table and trust has been broken in the relationship or one party has experienced something traumatic or the couple is just feeling blah toward each other any false forced attempt to revive the sex or relationship will just fall prey to the wolves of the issues that are there already or possible even cause further damage.
This sort of advice often leaves couple’s wanting more or feeling misunderstood and lost. A sex coach or therapist can exceed the normal harnesses of coaching and therapy that a traditional coach has to abide by providing the clients with an ‘outside of the box’ approach to possibly heal their relationship issues and their marriage.
Instead of waiting till you have tried all other paths of healing and therapy to save your relationship look at sex coaching or therapy work among your first and get the advice you really desire.
7. Sexual Positions to Physical Dysfunctions and More Can Be Solved
In my many years of practice I have worked with many issues from men with broken penises (literally broken from rough sex) who no longer knew how to properly penetrate their lover to women who with no ability to orgasm and couple’s who wanted to swing but keep one party monogamous at the same time. These issues as well as to low or high libido, sexual difficulties and dysfunctions, sexual issues from cancer treatment and surgical procedures, ED, premature ejaculation, inability to orgasm (men and women alike), intimacy issues, dating issues, rape and abuse victims, virgins, couple’s who have not had sex for months or even years, kink fetishes and other adventurers as well as so many more. And then there are the one’s who just want to learn a new skill or position. 🙂 Yes, what can sex coaching help you with? I don’t know, but if your alive it most likely can assist you in living a better one.
8. Communication Equals Intimacy and Better Life Skills
Sex coaching is NOT all about sex acts and functions. Many of the people who come into sex coaching walk away with an improved ability to communicate and learn how to respect themselves and others through authentic communication skills taught in a session. So if you are fearful of confrontation or want to dive right into the fires, sex coaching can help you learn loving communication that can share your desires, needs and boundaries as well as skills of how to empathetically listen to everyone in your life not just the one you sleep with.
Ask yourself this: Was my last verbal exchange something like this, “Bring me the remote” or “Grab those bags of groceries for me, hun.” Remember that the keys to a gourmet relationship and sexing start with gourmet communication.
9. Back To School You Go
Most people believe that they know all they need to know about their bodies parts and their lovers bodies parts but in reality most people have not a clue what is between their legs or how to treat it, let alone their lovers. Science is in the beginning stages of unearthing the mystery of the clitoris and the research on that one small piece of a woman’s body is just a little over 15 years of study so far.
I do art therapy classes, both group and individual with many of my clients to help them reconnect to their sexual selves. In these classes we explore sensations and draw or paint how we may need to express them during a class. In other instances I work with clients and have them take a mirror into a bathroom or private spot and look at themselves. One of my softer approaches is to use stand alone models of these parts of the body and teach what each area is as I discuss deeper issues with a client.
In my practice as a sex coach I offer what I call Show N’ Tell Sex Ed Classes to people where they get hard core education blended with live model demonstrations. The value of knowing your body and being comfortable in it is one of the most important steps to regaining confidence and releasing trauma as well as stepping back into an intimate relationship.
10. Brings Back The Honeymoon Phase
There is nothing like a first kiss or first glance and especially nothing like the first time you have sex with a new lover that is floating your boat, but over time the NRE (New Relationship Energy) fades and we take our partners and relationship, including the sex for granted. We stop courting each other and slowly the desire leaves or is masked bythe day to day grind of life. Well, sex coaching can help with all of that! Sex coaching can help couple’s reignite those flames and make room for snuggling and making out, getting frisky in the car and even planning out sex dates. Sex coaching can help couple’s go from friendly pecks call a kiss to passionate first date kissing.
When you enter into a coaching therapy with a practitioner you must be prepared to invest time and energy into yourself in all ways. As you can see, sex coaching takes into account lot’s of things not just sex. Often one of the issues experienced is a lack of commitment from the client. Coaches (no matter the field) are here to help YOU, the client find your own way to healing, NOT give you all the answers. There are no set guidelines or times that can be stated for your transformation or healing to occur. There are no guarantee’s that you will be healed or that your assumed expectations will come about. What is for sure is that anyone who truly wants the guidance, support and education can have it but must be willing to expect homework, which might include writing exercises, communication exercises, intimacy and, of course, sex. And must be willing to step out of the box that has been holding them back for all this time.
*Some quotes found on google from glamour.com articles
Many women are “closet submissives.” Do you have what it takes to erotically dominate these women?
At the risk of “tooting my own horn,” I have had many women refer to me as “The Black Christian Grey” as well as “The King of Verbal Seduction” (a nickname frequently used on my adult-themed podcast program, The Erotic Conversationalist). To this day, I have a number of e-mail messages and messages on the popular social networking site, Facebook, from women who refer to me as “Sir,” “Daddy,” or “Mr. Currie” instead of simply “Alan.” I have a number of audiotapes of me erotically dominating women verbally that these women have actually asked me to share with other women.
Is this a ‘talent’ that only I possess? Of course not. Any man with some degree of “Alpha Male” traits can learn how to identify, seduce, and train a woman who is what I refer to as a “closet submissive.” Closet submissive?
The term “being in the closet” is usually attributed to a gay male or lesbian female, but there are a lot of men and women who are “in the closet” regarding their erotically submissive side. What many in society may be surprised to learn is that many men and women actuallypay money to be erotically dominated.
For men, this is where a woman who is a “dominatrix” comes into play. Years ago, when I lived in Los Angeles, there was an article about a woman who was earning $125,000+ per year as a top-notch dominatrix. She said that roughly 85% of her regular and semi-regular clients were men and approximately 15% were women. At that time, she was charging anywhere from $150 for a one hour session to as much as $400 for a three hour session.
I have actually had my own female clients who have paid me a small sum of money to teach them and train them how to be less ‘prudish’ with their romantic and sexual partners, and instead become more open-minded, free-spirited, and erotically submissive.
In the fetish world of BDSM, and I would even say in society as a whole, there are generally three types of male and female sex partners:
- A “Top” or “Dom“: This is a sex partner who is erotically dominant with their designated partners 99.99% of the time.
- A “Bottom” or “Sub“: This is a sex partner who is erotically submissive with their selected sex partners 99.99% of the time.
- A “Switch“: This is a sex partner who is erotically submissive with their partners some of the time, and other times, they take on the role of the erotically dominant partner.
Over half of the reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey erotic trilogy was so popular with women was because the male protagonist was very erotically dominant.
I am not going to give away all of my secrets of training a closet submissive, but I will offer a handful of tips for those single heterosexual men looking to enhance their sex lives and their ability to connect with an “undercover sub”:
1) Ask a woman to repeat something that you want to hear.
Comment: The very first way that I identify a woman who is a ‘closet sub’ is to ask her to repeat something that I want to hear. It could be something flattering to my ego, or something very kinky. If the woman gives you a lot of resistance, and exhibits a high degree of defiance, then nine times out of ten, she is not a submissive type.
2) Ask a woman to refer to you as “Sir” or some other nickname of authority
Comment: Similar to tip #1, if a woman resists calling you ‘Sir’ or “Mr. [your last name here],” then nine times out of ten, she is not a submissive type.
3) Do not ever engage in lengthy conversations with your female sub about subject matter that is trivial and/or too lighthearted in nature
Comment: Engaging in “trivial chit chat” and “lighthearted small talk” is the number one thing that lowers your seductive and erotic influence over women. Trust me on this.
4) Get your female sub to a point where she associates your name, your face, your voice, and/or your presence as a whole with something highly erotic
Comment: Did you see the movie, Nine and a Half Weeks, starring Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger? Rourke’s character of “John” was very good at getting Elizabeth (Basinger) to associate his companionship with the idea of being erotically aroused and sexually satisfied.
5) “Punish” your female sub by denying them your attention and companionship when they are not erotically obedient.
Comment: Do not ever allow your new “trainee” to share your company or even maintain a conversation with you in an instance where she has been “disobedient” or “defiant.” Ignore her indefinitely until she apologizes.
6) Last, but not least, make sure that your entire “domination-submission” relationship is mutually beneficial, consensual, exciting, and satisfying.
Comment: A dom-sub relationship should never be violent or abusive. It should be intriguing, enjoyable, and center on mutually beneficial pleasure. Never “force” or “coerce” a woman to be your sub. Simply ask her to be obedient and submissive to you, and if she declines, let that be the end of it.
You can gain more tips in my book, Oooooh . . . Say it Again: Mastering the Fine Art of Verbal Seduction and Aural Sex
If you are a woman who is a ‘closet sub’ reading this, say, “Thank you for writing this article Sir.”
Written By Alan Roger Curry, The King of Verbal Seduction
Original Published on My Tango HERE
When Laura Munson’s husband asked for a divorce, she ducked instead of fighting. He needed to learn, she says, that his unhappiness wasn’t really about her.
Let’s say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s—gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros, when you were single and skinny—have for the most part come true.
Two decades later you have the 20 acres of land, the farmhouse, the children, the dogs and horses. You’re the parents you said you would be, full of love and guidance. You’ve done it all: Disneyland, camping, Hawaii, Mexico, city living, stargazing.
Sure, you have your marital issues, but on the whole you feel so self-satisfied about how things have worked out that you would never, in your wildest nightmares, think you would hear these words from your husband one fine summer day: “I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did. I’m moving out. The kids will understand. They’ll want me to be happy.”
But wait. This isn’t the divorce story you think it is. Neither is it a begging-him-to-stay story. It’s a story about hearing your husband say, “I don’t love you anymore” and deciding not to believe him. And what can happen as a result.
Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.
Let me be clear: I’m not saying my husband was throwing a child’s tantrum. No. He was in the grip of something else—a profound and far more troubling meltdown that comes not in childhood but in midlife, when we perceive that our personal trajectory is no longer arcing reliably upward as it once did. But I decided to respond the same way I’d responded to my children’s tantrums. And I kept responding to it that way. For four months.
“I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.”
His words came at me like a speeding fist, like a sucker punch, yet somehow in that moment I was able to duck. And once I recovered and composed myself, I managed to say, “I don’t buy it.” Because I didn’t.
He drew back in surprise. Apparently he’d expected me to burst into tears, to rage at him, to threaten him with a custody battle. Or beg him to change his mind.
So he turned mean. “I don’t like what you’ve become.”
Gut-wrenching pause. How could he say such a thing? That’s when I really wanted to fight. To rage. To cry. But I didn’t.
Instead, a shroud of calm enveloped me, and I repeated those words: “I don’t buy it.”
You see, I’d recently committed to a non-negotiable understanding with myself. I’d committed to “the End of Suffering.” I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. I’d seen the insanity of that equation and decided to take responsibility for my own happiness. And I mean all of it.
My husband hadn’t yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn’t been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He’d been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.
But I wasn’t buying it.
I said: “It’s not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents’ happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who’ll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“Huh?” he said.
“Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you’ve always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you’re talking about.”
Then I repeated my line, “What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?”
“How can we have a responsible distance?”
“I don’t want distance,” he said. “I want to move out.”
My mind raced. Was it another woman? Drugs? Unconscionable secrets? But I stopped myself. I would not suffer.
Instead, I went to my desk, Googled “responsible separation,” and came up with a list. It included things like: Who’s allowed to use what credit cards? Who are the children allowed to see you with in town? Who’s allowed keys to what?
I looked through the list and passed it on to him.
His response: “Keys? We don’t even have keys to our house.”
I remained stoic. I could see pain in his eyes. Pain I recognized.
“Oh, I see what you’re doing,” he said. “You’re going to make me go into therapy. You’re not going to let me move out. You’re going to use the kids against me.”
“I never said that. I just asked: What can we do to give you the distance you need … ”
“Stop saying that!”
Well, he didn’t move out.
Instead, he spent the summer being unreliable. He stopped coming home at his usual 6 o’clock. He would stay out late and not call. He blew off our entire Fourth of July—the parade, the barbecue, the fireworks—to go to someone else’s party. When he was at home, he was distant. He wouldn’t look me in the eye. He didn’t even wish me “Happy Birthday.”
But I didn’t play into it. I walked my line. I told the kids: “Daddy’s having a hard time, as adults often do. But we’re a family, no matter what.” I was not going to suffer. And neither were they.
My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. “How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!”
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn’t mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.
I know what you’re thinking: I’m a pushover. I’m weak and scared and would put up with anything to keep the family together. I’m probably one of those women who would endure physical abuse. But I can assure you, I’m not. I load 1,500-pound horses into trailers and gallop through the high country of Montana all summer. I went through Pitocin-induced natural childbirth. And a Caesarean section without follow-up drugs. I am handy with a chain saw.
I simply had come to understand that I was not at the root of my husband’s problem. He was. If he could turn his problem into a marital fight, he could make it about us. I needed to get out of the way so that wouldn’t happen.
Privately, I decided to give him time. Six months.
I had good days and I had bad days. On the good days, I took the high road. I ignored his lashing out, his merciless jabs. On bad days, I would fester in the August sun while the kids ran through sprinklers, raging at him in my mind. But I never wavered. Although it may sound ridiculous to say, “Don’t take it personally” when your husband tells you he no longer loves you, sometimes that’s exactly what you have to do.
Instead of issuing ultimatums, yelling, crying, or begging, I presented him with options. I created a summer of fun for our family and welcomed him to share in it, or not—it was up to him. If he chose not to come along, we would miss him, but we would be just fine, thank you very much. And we were.
And, yeah, you can bet I wanted to sit him down and persuade him to stay. To love me. To fight for what we’ve created. You can bet I wanted to.
But I didn’t.
I barbecued. Made lemonade. Set the table for four. Loved him from afar.
And one day, there he was, home from work early, mowing the lawn. A man doesn’t mow his lawn if he’s going to leave it. Not this man. Then he fixed a door that had been broken for eight years. He made a comment about our front porch needing paint. Our front porch. He mentioned needing wood for next winter. The future. Little by little, he started talking about the future.
It was Thanksgiving dinner that sealed it. My husband bowed his head humbly and said, “I’m thankful for my family.”
He was back.
And I saw what had been missing: pride. He’d lost pride in himself. Maybe that’s what happens when our egos take a hit in midlife and we realize we’re not as young and golden anymore.
When life’s knocked us around. And our childhood myths reveal themselves to be just that. The truth feels like the biggest sucker-punch of them all: It’s not a spouse, or land, or a job, or money that brings us happiness. Those achievements, those relationships, can enhance our happiness, yes, but happiness has to start from within. Relying on any other equation can be lethal.
My husband had become lost in the myth. But he found his way out. We’ve since had the hard conversations. In fact, he encouraged me to write about our ordeal. To help other couples who arrive at this juncture in life. People who feel scared and stuck. Who believe their temporary feelings are permanent. Who see an easy out and think they can escape.
My husband tried to strike a deal. Blame me for his pain. Unload his feelings of personal disgrace onto me.
But I ducked. And I waited. And it worked.
This essay originally appeared in The New York Times. Used with permission. All rights reserved.
This post comes from Theweek.com August 13, 2009