tantric transformation

Are You A Fuck Yes to Your Full Potential?

“The ONLY place you need to be – is in your magic zone. We all have a magic zone. We all use our zone. All the time. The trick is being conscious to what we are creating and making sure that our magic zone is being used for all the bliss, joy, play and abundance it was intended instead of the suffering, fear, destruction and chaos so many of us choose to use it for. — What are you creating?” – KW

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Be Your Full Potential This Coming Year!

Here we sit yet once again at the end of one year and the ushering into another. You would think that the whole world would be truly celebrating that we as a world society get to move forward into the next arena of life on this planet. You would think that each and every soul on this planet including yourself would be ecstatic with joy and hope for the new year and all it has to offer. After all new years is all about getting a fresh start. Having learned what we needed from the past year we can now move forward with an excitement and expectation of greatness. However it is more common for for us to be experiencing pain, suffering, fear, anger, remorse and almost a desire for this time to not move forward but to somehow reset to the beginning of the current year so that we can travel through it with 20/20 vision and make different choices, see things differently, and act differently.

For more than 80%of the population we may have a desire to make this new year one of all our dreams coming true, or at very least sticking to most of our goals and making some positive life changes so that we can feel accomplished at the end of the day and year. We desire that the feelings we are having and trying to ignore through too much alcohol, food, partying and random excessive entertainment with games and television, we desire not to ignore these feelings but to simply NOT have them to begin with. Therefore we desire CHANGE. Transformation.

There are so many people in my life that I know are experiencing these sensations. I have seen people go through divorce this years end, have been served papers for it or finished a long process with it. Many uncertain as to the standings of their relationship status. I have seen many people loose their jobs, their homes, cars. Not have enough food on their tables for nightly dinner. There are many who I know who are dealing with death this season in one way or another and even some that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and find themselves feeling like they NOW don’t have the time to give and share all that they thought they were going to be able too. I have seen people question their purpose all year long. I have seen people try and make their purpose their relationship. I have seen people dig and get mad to the point of quitting because they have no clue what to do with what is surfacing and they have no idea how the things coming up serve them healing what they had originally set out to work on.

I have also seen many people discover love. Purpose. Direction.

Everything that I have seen has NOTHING to do with what we choose to typically focus on at this time of the year. That being how many presents we got or gave, or the deal we got or even the president of the USA. None of the things that truly matter are the things that our media or lifestyles has us focusing on.

The things that matter are REALLY SIMPLE.

The bottom line for every human being is the same.

We ALL WANT HAPPINESS.

Everything that we do is an attempt to achieve this sensation.

We change or stay in a relationship because we hope it will make us happy.

We keep a job or strive for a new one because we hope it will lead to happiness.

We exercise and change what our diets are to loose weight or firm up our bodies, not because we truly care what we look like, but because we are hoping that the look and feeling of our bodies will make us happy in some way.

We learn new things to bring more joy into our lives. Weather that is through experience or money.

We offer our helping hand not because we truly believe that it is needed, wanted or should happen (although we convince ourselves of this) but because we hope that in our pursuit to be a “good person” that we will be happier.

EVERYTHING – everything, that we do is about OUR happiness.

So why is it so damn fucking hard to actually do the things that will truly make us happy and give us ever lasting change and the creation of our FUCK YES LIFE?

Why do we choose to find excuses as to not do the things and get the help that we need in life to make the life that we desire?

You know it is said that if you desire something, that the thing desires you as well. In other words, the things we crave at our soul level are calling to us and asking us to do the things that we need to do to grow ourselves and create the consciousness required to connect to our desires.

Each and everyone of us has a the same ability to make the choices that we need to make for ourselves to create the life that we want for this coming New Year.

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The only real question’s you need to ask yourself are these:

What are your top 1-3 areas of change/transformation that you know you need or want to work on in this new year?
What is the long term impact of not making these changes?
If things stay the same what does it mean to you and what does it look like?
What is different NOW compared to 6 months, a year ago, five years ago?
What is your commitment level to yourself to make these changes?

What is the ONE thing you need to do in life to die happy?

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Make this year a year of your full potential.

You deserve your greatness to be revealed.

It is truly fucking time to STOP playing small!

Our world needs YOU!

I can tell you that the world needs more men, women, couple’s turned on, vibrant, living on purpose and by their desires.

The world needs people who are transforming the world through their passion for life. This is ONLY done through opening up NOT to more work – but more PLAY.

More PLEASURE.

The ONLY secret you ever need learn to have the life that you know you deserve and desire is the lesson to ALLOW YOUR OWN PLEASURE.

We have had our ability to receive pleasure in all forms taught right out of us. Our world is so focused on living by scarcity and taunt economics. No great thing every happened without allowing for some deliberate slack. In the slack we prevent the hyperactivity of our minds, energy and drive. In hyperactivity we loose fun, pleasure and joy. Everything becomes work and we cannot breathe or flow.

When we embrace that “slack” equals room to change. Room to grow. To create. We then open the doorway to the creation of our desires.

We gain compassion, understanding, direction.

There most certainly is an art to living in your bliss. But it is a most delicious process. And for those of us who choose to transform our lives and therefore the lives of all on this planet through pleasure, play and happiness we KNOW that it is a venture well worth moving into.

But it requires Your ALL.

Are you ready to make this a year of your full potential?
Are your ready t o have the Fuck YES Life you deserve?
Are you ready to live out the year having the relationships, the sex, the money, the career, the travel, the health that you want?

This and MORE is possible.

Take my hand and take the plunge into your GREATNESS!

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Email me about being in the Pre-launch group for my New Fuck Yes to Life Coaching – and discover the top 10 focuses you need to play with to have the life you desire in 2017!!! DON’T Wait. The Pre- launch pricing will only be offered to the first 50 people who si

Food & Sex : The Connection is in Our Desire

desireimageLast week, I had the great honor to talk on the tele-seminar “Abundance Reigns” where my topic was about our hungers and desires and how they relate to creating a more fulfilling life. This was a very fun talk and very interesting to prepare because the more I prepared the presentation, the more connections I kept coming up with between our physical hunger for food and our physical and emotional need for sex. I quickly realized that I could have done the entire presentation on that topic alone and could write a dozen articles on the many ways food and sex correlate. However, for today’s purposes, I want to look at how we often use food to fill an unmet need in our sex lives.

The connection between food and sex exists for both sexes, but is extraordinarily apparent in looking at female eating and sexual behaviors. There have been entire books written simply on this topic in regards to women.

In any theory of human needs, you will find both food and sex as two vital elements. Without food, we will starve to death and without sex and physical connection, we will also fail to survive and/or simply thrive.

In my experience as a therapist working with eating disorders and as a coach working with individuals that sometimes struggle with disordered eating patterns, it is common for people to find struggles on their plate, which are really struggles in the bedroom. Often, my clients think I am crazy at first when I start asking them about their sex lives. I will get comments such as, “I don’t have any issues with sex. My issues are all around food”, “I don’t even think about sex; it doesn’t matter to me but I am constantly thinking about food”. The problem with this thought pattern being that many of us in this day and age have learned to use food as a manner in which to cover up unmet needs/desires…. And often specifically our needs/desires surrounding sex.

We as Americans often like to think we are incredibly open minded and that we are very comfortable in our sexuality. However, the truth is we have influences of religion, how we were raised, past sexual experiences, and social pressures that can alter our opinions of sex and in truth leave us starving sexually. Often, people carry around deep shame around wanting/needing physical affection and so bury these needs deep in our psyches. However, we can’t bury our needs for very long because they come out in different ways. Commonly, this avenue is our food.

How you may ask:

  • You aren’t getting any physical affection and feeling of comfort at home and so you simply turn to foods that provide you comfort.

  • You aren’t allowing yourself to truly be present and have connected sex….and so you begin bingeing on chocolate because that’s going to release similar hormones and make you have a false sense of connection.

  • You don’t think you deserve physical pleasure and so you start cutting foods from your diet, which brings you pleasure.

Hopefully, you are beginning to see some of the connections, but here is another more extreme example: ( LEARN MORE on this Video – Unlock the Toxic Beliefs Around Food & Sex from Marc David)

A while ago, I had the pleasure of knowing a woman, and at the time friend, she was unfortunately struggling with anorexia. When I asked this friend about her sex life, she responded that she thought sex/masturbation was dirty and sinful outside of marriage. Therefore, whenever she was “bad” and touched herself in a sexual manner, she would then have to punish herself by restricting for days simply to cleanse her guilt and shame.

You may look at this example as extreme, but honestly, I have a long list of similar stories I could share from friends, patients, clients, and personally. The point is that we are told, as women in particular, to not want/need/desire sex and the same really goes for the messages we receive around food. So, the ramification is that many of us try to stifle these needs but end up playing what I like to call “Whack a Mole” because we can’t truly get rid of those needs.

From a personal perspective, I spent years denying my sexuality and sensuality of simply being a woman. The result (amongst some other things) was a raging eating disorder that almost took my life. I didn’t want to be a sexual being and I felt extreme shame around this topic, so I attempted to starve, binge, and purge the needs away! It was not until I faced a variety of issues in my life, but particularly those surrounding sexuality, that I was able to get free.

So, before I close, I do want to clarify that not any old sex is going to fill this need that is showing up on our plates… We need connected sex with others and/or ourselves. We need to be able to feel safe, secure, and loved in that moment in order to start to fill ourselves up. The reason this is so important is because we have hormones, one being Oxytocin, that are released when we are really able to get into our bodies during a sexual experience. These are also similar hormones that are released or are decreased with certain foods.

My challenge for you is to really take a look at your relationship to your own sexuality and also your own food. Are you starving yourself of your needs and desires or are you bingeing on food and sex that are meaningless and aren’t giving you joy? Take some time to get introspective of how your own needs/desires are interacting.

— Written by Kelly Martin, Recover to Life Counselor, Coach and Mentor

Number 1 Key to a Life of Bliss

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Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It.

This year is so different then any other for my family and myself, It is hard for me to comprehend even that I don’t have to make a turkey or sides and there is no fancy themed menu planning. Instead I am blessed this year with my beautiful daughter and her man who are hosting and taking care of all of us plus his family. Looking in from the window of experience and life into their world I find myself smiling often at the lessons and experiences that they go through as a young couple. I see the fears, the trauma, the healing, the joy and the hopefulness. I see the self imposed restrictions and the child like awe. It is a beautiful thing to watch and to support.

2015 has been a year that has me counting many blessings. There has been a massive amount of growth for myself, my lovers, my children, my clients and friends. It is a daily event (designed that way BTW, because keeping gratitude at the fore front of our life is a practice that keeps us drawing in more things to be grateful for) for me to run through my list of joy and gratitude. I recall the years gone by that I use to not do this fundamental practice of bliss. Back then I lead a life of misery, pain, suffering, depression, fear, anxiety and just shear blahhhh. Until about 7 years ago now, I discovered the magic of gratitude. I decided that maybe if I turned my focus on the things that were a blessing and really did start counting them that I would at the very least be reminded that there was always something positive in life, no matter how hard the storm clouds hit. SO there I was, a stay at home mother of 5 children, our house had been foreclosed on, my husband was jobless and lost on his path, we were fighting and drinking to much, the light in our eyes and in our children’s was becoming dimmer by the second. Ego was running a muck and on top of it if and when we had sex it was slam bam with no thank you mam but instead the development of a yeast infection, bladder infection or worse the Chrone’s that I had taken on would flare up. Living like this made me internally angry at life. I blamed everyone and everything. Feeling like I was never good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I had myself convinced that I was a piss poor mother and my kids would be better off with someone else. I looked in the mirror and wanted to scream. I hated my reflection. I would actually vocalize my hate to myself by picking on the fine lines I saw, the flabby tummy, the grey hair I would find, the sadness in my eyes, the little crookedness to my lips or the fact that my eye’s are not perfectly the same. Anything that was human I hated on.

The more I hated on my humanness the deeper into the turbulence and depression I crept. It was not until I flipped the the switch and started to appreciate and like even love my humanness AKA myself ,that I found the courage and strength to take care of myself and do the things that were required for me to support the life that I desired at my core.

Once I did this life became more vibrant. But how did I flip the switch?

GRATITUDE

That is all I did! I started to find things on a daily scale to be thankful for. At first I looked outward and found my thankfulness in my children’s health, in the fact that I did have a roof even if temporary over my head, I had food on the table, I had clothes to wear and my favorite one then and now still is I have opportunity. From there I slowly played with gratitude for things about myself such as I love reading. I am a good cook, and so on and so forth. The list grew until one day I was telling myself that I was a goddess and I was blessed with love and joy. Today my daily gratitudes still have my children’s health and the roof over my head, the air in my lungs, my cozy down feather comforter and pillows but they also include my dynamic relationships, orgasmic sex, full of soul love affairs and empowered clients. Today I look out and I see more opportunity then not and I see a life that manifests luck and a state of bliss instead of suffering and shut down. And here are the incredible things that I have noticed on a physical level from focusing on counting my blessings:

I am stronger and more of life
I see and experience more opportunity
I feel younger and more in awe of life.
I don’t look my age.
My health and metabolism are better.
Money and abundance flows more effortlessly.
I am multi-orgasmic
I have deeper connection in my relationships.
I have more profound loving moments.
I see growth and opportunity where I once saw fear and anxiety.
I truly am on a path of learning how to better love and respect myself.
I support my needs instead of looking for someone else to fill the gap within my own being.
I am content and happy being alone with myself.
I am more creative and free flowing.
I catch my ego more.
I love myself instead of shame myself.
I allow, expect and even find humor in my humanness.
I know without a doubt I AM BLESSED and I deserve it!
I expect and look for miracles.

So on this day of gratitude in the USA take a moment to not just have outward gratitude for the men and women who have fought and given their lives but for the man or woman who is staring back at you in the mirror and accepts the challenge of courageously facing fears, opening up their love center and exploring this glorious thing called life. If you feel like this is not you then all the more reason to pause and analyze the TRUTH.

If you chose to open your eye’s this morning and put your feet on the floor, if you chose to breathe in the air of this morning and take a step forward (even if that was toward the bathroom) then you are showing great courage and willingness to embrace risk and challenges. This life of ours has no guarantee’s. We are offered no more then we are willing to put forth and to give.

Today allow yourself to be gentle with yourself, realize that you are plagued with this disease that everyone else on the planet has as well, HUMANNESS.

And Gosh Dang It, Its a pretty fucking awesome disease too!
You are the creator of your destiny, but the blissed out life and journey ONLY come from learning to be grateful for and Loving YOURSELF.

Happy Thanksgiving and TODAY start your path with this commitment:

Love Yourself Like Your Life Depended On It.

–KW

The True Influence of Our Sexual Partners

We Become the People We Have Sex With

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I once read an article where the author said: “Never sleep with someone you don’t want to be.” Such a profound statement. In Tantric teachings it is also taught that all the people with whom we make love to, leave a trace into our being.

It’s likely that many have noticed how they have experienced varying degrees of pleasure, different orgasms and excitement with different partners in their life. Why is it though that with one partner we experience really powerful orgasms while with another partner the orgasms are either weak or non-existent? Usually it is said that it’s not a good match physically. Physical compatibility is of course important, but there’s a lot more in play here.

All of us hold both feminine and masculine energy and for our whole lives we seek to keep these two energies in balance. We are attracted to the opposite sex because they have what we need. Women share their feminine energy with men and men share their masculine energy with women. Those on the spiritual path aspire to the same experience through various practices like yoga, meditation, etc. We all subconsciously seek for it. Whenever we spend time with or have sex with the opposite gender the energies get balanced for a moment. The moment we experience an orgasm is the moment when masculine and feminine energies in our being are balanced – the plus and the minus have become zero. And this zero-point is different with different partners.

Our inner masculine

Let’s take a closer look at this process. As a woman my feminine side is more active and my masculine side is asleep, so to say. To awaken the masculine energy that lies dormant in me I need a man. Not every man though can awaken the masculine energy in me. The masculine in me is of a certain type – tantric teachings describe that he is the whole of our past lives that we lived as men and affected by men with whom we’ve had close relations with in this life. This means that my inner male has certain features and an appearance. To connect with my inner male it’s enough for me to look at what kind of men I’m attracted to – those who best match my inner male also awaken him the most in me.

Suppose there are two men: Marc and Dave. Marc awakens my inner man 50% and Dave 90%. We don’t experience powerful orgasms with Marc, but with Dave the sex is simply glorious. This means that Dave is very similar to my inner male. This shows for example that if I attract so called bad boys, my inner male also carries a similar energy. So if I’m more with the so-called good guys, my inner male is good as well. This means, that if we wish to attract a different type of a partner, we need to consciously work with changing our inner male.

The inner male can be changed through spiritual practices. For example if I purify my being, then my inner male gets purified with it. Or we can change our inner male by knowingly starting to spend time with the types of men we want to be like. This can be problematic at first as these types of men might not seem very attractive initially. This is why this needs to be a very conscious decision. If we consistently spend more time with good guys, then soon they won’t appear as boring, because our inner male has started to change. You don’t always need to have intercourse with these people; even spending time as friends is enough for our inner male to start picking up features from them. One moment you might notice that your taste in men has changed completely.
Exactly the same description of the process goes for men and their inner females. And naturally our inner male or female is similar to our father or mother, as people with whom we’ve spent a lot of time together. Oftentimes men seek for a woman similar to their mother as women seek for men similar to their father.

Women are receptive

There’s another important topic here that is good for women to know. When we live with certain types of men, our own being starts become like them – due to a simple principle that women receive and men give. This goes much deeper though. One of the re-occurring topics of relationships is women’s emotionality. It is as if men don’t have any emotions at all, they are peaceful and stable, while women have a constant storm of emotions. Both partners play an important role in all relationship situations. Women are by nature more sensitive and also more receptive. Many women have surely noticed how they are calm and balanced when living alone. Then they meet a man, spend some time together and suddenly it’s as if she’s another woman. How so? There is of course personal development in relationships and we push each other’s buttons, but there is more to this.

Men who have been taught to suppress their feelings since young have learned other ways to unload their emotions and one of those ways is sex. So where will they unload their emotions during sex? Into the woman of course, who energetically receives the man’s storm of emotions and stores it in her. The man feels relief while the woman can’t keep the storm inside her as it would damage the woman. The woman ends up expressing the man’s emotional storm and gets blamed for it.

Women who don’t express their emotions though, might get health problems. Cervical cancer is one example. This is the second most common cause of death for women after breast cancer, while there are only 30-40 cases per a large state of men dying due to penile cancer.

In an energetical level men release their stress into women, thus grounding themselves with sex, and women in their receptivity take it in. Our cervix is very receptive and delicate as our center of our femininity. This makes it important to check with whom to have intercourse with, what the underlying energy-exchange might be like and what will we be taking into our being. If it seems that the man uses sex only to discharge themselves, then a smart woman would decline of such sex.

Sexual intercourse is for balancing each other – where a woman gives tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity to the man and the man on his part offers balance, grounding and inner direction to the woman. Sexual energy should be used consciously for strengthening the relationship bond and creating more love energy. This is one of the differenciating characteristics of a tantric couple when compared to a so-called regular relationship – the tantric couple is conscious in both their relationship and their sexuality.

Sexual slackness is rather common in our society and has little to do with being conscious. When partners cheat on each other in a relationship, then even if they don’t understand it, they’ll be bringing energy from other people into their relationship. By having affairs, one collects other people’s energetic baggage and this ends up affecting their everyone and the relationship.

Successful businessman and author Jim Rohn has said: „You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Next time you’re about to have intercourse with someone ask yourself: would I want to be this person? Do I respect them or not? Do the qualities they carry in themselves make me a better person? How well do I even know this person?

Tantric Therapy, Katrin

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Kendal’s Notes on This Article

When a friend shared this article with me, I knew it was something I had to pass along to everyone. Tantric Practitioner, Katrin hits the nail on the head in this blog post.

I could do a workshop just on this concept it is so powerful and the true understanding goes into the spiritual and quantum physical realms. It is an ancient concept and one that I personally have prescribed to since I started my own healing work on myself many years ago in the land of sexuality.

Quick story: There is a man, he might even be reading this newsletter right now…lol – This man from the first time I met him rocked my sexual energy world. My body ignited from looking at him, from the smell of his scent, from his kiss and when he spoke with that Mathew McConaughey voice my knees quaked and my pussy got wetter. Our talks were always good, we laughed and enjoyed so many things in common. I spent almost 5 years trying to make the relationship work. I wanted truly nothing other than his friendship and some hot sex, which one would assume would be a slam dunk when the turn on is so high as it is and was with this man. However, the problem was that every time we went there I literally could not feel him and then the after math of our sexing was that I would become extremely hormonal, angry, depressed and even physically sick. My body would ache. I felt like a used old shoe that had been kicked under the bed to be forgotten. I felt like I was just that a “fuck” and not even a fuck buddy, but just some place for him to jack off into. I felt like a container for his stress and all the negativity and chaos he had going on in his life would just cast a nasty shadow on me for a few weeks after.

Why was this?
Because women are receptive. And because in all actuality I was nothing more than this for him, my heart and soul knew from the first time we had sex and my body tried to warn me, but my stubbornness persisted and I kept trying to fix what was never meant to be.

Try explaining that to someone when your breaking up….

Another quick tale: I was married for 17 years to the same man. Him and I had 5 children together, worked on building a business together, did the whole through tough times, sickness and health thing. We stuck it out the best we could in the face of everything that we created and tried running from. Around year 11 or 12 of our marriage things became really toxic. We had had issues in the past but we were now really lost at sea and it appeared that I had developed a case of some really bad depression, even bi-polarness and everyone told me that I needed medicine. I would fly off the handle at seemingly little things, I did not want anything to do with sex and then I was a raging horn dog, I would develop yeast infections, bladder infections, kidney infections, sinus infections and had migraines. I was constantly tired, over weight, and hated life. I was sad all the time and could not find the light at the end of any tunnel because there was no tunnel, the darkness had just consumed me. I did some really crazy ass shit in this 3 year time frame. I burned my wedding dress and ring, I axed our garage refrigerator, I got mad so took it out on a toilet and almost lost my finger, I karate chopped the Christmas tree with all the ornaments on it. I stripped and dared the cops to come get me as I walked sown the street. And I woke up everyday wishing I had not woke up. I was lost in misery.

Today, most people who know me would have a tough time believing I could ever do that. Looking back I can hardly believe that I did that stuff, because it is not inside me at all to act like that. So what was the cause of my chaos, depression and bi-polarness?

It’s what I was being down loaded with in my sex life from mu husband. Not blaming him here, for we both had no clue. But looking back, my body was begging me to stop infecting it with this chaos. It rebelled by giving me yeast infections, bladder infections and other chronic issues. It was trying to protect me. But I did my wifely duty and had sex.

Today, I lead a calm, turned on life. My ex- husband, still living in the chaos, depression and bi-polarness. He is still confused and lost .

Today I look at the men I choose to share myself with and they all are of higher vibrations, they are determined, driven, clear, smooth energy men. They love playfulness, the adore learning, they avoid chaos and drama, they maintain their emotions and work on themselves before pointing the finger outward. They are extraordinary gentlemen and they download into me with our sexing and orgasms a life that I want to live, a life that is full, harmonious and on purpose.

So, yes we DO become like the people we have sex with. So be cautious as to who you are regularly enjoying intimate moments with, because there is no other place like the bedroom where association means so much.

Transformation Indeed! – Testimony from an Orgasm Coaching for Women Client

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6 months have passed…

Every part of my mind, body and soul are being awakened and guided to new places that I thought were reserved for only a few fortunate ones.

Kendal Williams wrapped her love and knowing around me one cold dark winter evening as I sat in a coffee shop across from her and poured out my tired and broken story. Through tears, I saw her gentle, knowing smile and heard TRUTH for the first time in my life.

Kendal has a style of coaching that is honest and direct, with constant support, through the lovely as well as the ugly. She listens, explains, shares, guides and directs with uncanny intuition and a wealth of resources.

The very next day, as promised, I received an email with a list of all we discussing, complete with easy-to-follow links for every article, person, website, and resource! My journey now includes work with her partner, Scott/Authentic Living as well as her daughter with Photography in Wonderland.

6 months have passed….and I am a new goddess
~who enjoys feeling and seeing my own body
~who asks for what I want
~who holds sensation without disconnection
~who can breathe energy into any part of my being
~who is learning to love without boundaries
~who loves self first
~who is expanding sexuality
~ who is committed to this work of transforming

I have open mind, body & soul for the next steps in my life journey with Kendal & Company as my guide.

— Laura N. Dallas, Texas (Orgasm Coaching for Women Client 2015)

Why I Pay My Wife for Sex…

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Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.

I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days.  But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?

The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.

I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.

I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.

I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.)  She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.

Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.

Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.

I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.

We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.

Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was  born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.

Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.

Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.

I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.

Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.

I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.

—by  Original Post on Good Men Project

Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf

– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-pay-my-wife-for-sex-dg/#sthash.vtTU4kD8.dpuf

Pregnancy As An Orgasmic State

IMG_2180Monday Jan. 12th – 2015 was My Due Date!

Many of my clients and people who come to my workshops are aware that I am pregnant. Many know that to me the birthing process is an orgasmic experience and why I have chosen to make it as natural as I possibly can. Like my last pregnancy I will be blessed to be delivering in a small birthing center with a midwife, my partner and many of my children present. I will be able to labor the way my body and nature has intended and I will finish my process in a pool of warm waters. Instead of a white room, bright lights, feet in stirrups, nurses running to and fro and harsh energy, little Rowan (yes we are having a boy!) will be born into loving warm energies and within 3 hours after having him I will be home and resting instead of having to deal with constant interruptions from a nurse to check my bleeding, BP and other items. A day later the birthing center will do a house call and do all the follow up needed.

Needless to say this approach to the birth is an old one and is one that does not make use of traditional medicine and pain killers.

I hear from many people:
“OMG, no way I could do ALL natural. I have to have the med.s’, Give me the good stuff!”
“What if something goes wrong?”
“How can you handle that sort of pain?”

And so much more.

The fact is this.

I have experienced traditional birthing methods. I was induced, and had pain killers. I stayed all night and then some in a hospital. I did the normal muck up. And you know what I thought?

Labor and child birth are painful!

Now, here I am with my 7th child soon to enter this world. My second all natural birth. And you know what my last labor taught me?

The TRUTH!

Birth is all about:
* Sexuality
* Connection to Self
* Connection to my Partner
* Body Presence
* Power
* Orgasm! – Orgasmic Wombman- hood

Similar to our love making and ability to open to love, intimacy, orgasm and pleasure. Labor and birth show how we choose to show up in our own lives.

What I was doing in previous experiences was choosing to disconnect and buy into the propaganda that life was pain. That labor and birth were terrifying and something we should try to mask with a drug. That our bodies are NOT designed to enjoy the process but to suffer.

WOW was I ever wrong!

Now, I will say that there are moments that are so intense that it you may feel like you will leave your own body. There are what many would say are painful moments. Intense moments. High pressure moments.

But all of these can happen in our sexing as well.
They should happen in our sexing.

It is in the intensity, the heat, the pressure and sometimes even what may scare us or feel uncomfortable that we learn to open fully and embrace what is on the other side. We choose ORGASM! We choose LIFE! We choose PLEASURE and POWER.

Or we say NO! and we shut down, close off and deny our power.

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And why would we ever want to NOT choose these things?

Why do we so quickly hand over our rights to experience life in all it’s bliss, even when that bliss comes with some sharp points of climax that may test our courage to push forward and release into deeper sensation, more penetrative love and pleasure?

Yet this is what we do as a society.

We constantly deny ourselves life.
We say no to our power and we actually believe that by remaining small and powerless we are doing some humanly “good” thing.
We tell ourselves that we “should not” experience pain in the way that we do.
We tell ourselves that our emotions are not good or real.
We tell ourselves to not buy into our dreams.
We convince ourselves that pleasure is a sin even and that our bodies are to be denied.

Rarely do we say yes without guilt, shame or embarrassment.

Even more rarely do we learn how powerful our YES is and how our ORGASM effects our lives, right down to the people we associate with, the chaos or peace we bring in, our health and our financial state of being.

What if there were a way for you to learn how to orgasm through life even in the sharp points, the ones that make your breathe deep, make your heart clench, make your eye’s weep?

What if you understood how the sabotaging beliefs and patterns that you hold toward your sex are the same ones you hold toward your money?

What if you understood that the thoughts you hold during sex and who you are sexing with as well as how you show up in bed STRONGLY effect all areas of your life?

What if I shared with you that life is suppose to be an ORGASM!

So stop F–king around with the mechanics you think you should know and the shame for wanting more and go deeper with your sexing.

Make 2015 the YEAR that you say YES to an ORGASMIC LIFE!

Classes on The Link Between Sex & Money : How Our Beliefs of one effect the other.

COMING SOON!!!!

IMG_2258Thank You Photoraphy In Wonderland for these amazing Maternity Photoshoots! If any one s interested in doing a shoot with this creative artist you may contact her at www.phoographyinwonderland.com

 

Why Adventure Sex and Fantasies Can Improve Your Intimacy

fantasy sexWhen we learn to share this intimate aspect of ourselves then there is no more reason to hide any part of our beings from our partners. In this we discover true intimacy and commitment. We embrace unconditional love and live authentically. –KW

A cool breeze whipped under my skirt as I straddled his cock. Slipping one leg around him and between the back of the bench and the seat, gently moving my hips down as to press him into my wetness, my skirt falling to the side, cars passing by, bird chirping, water rippling and a possible on looker from one of the surrounding apartment or business buildings all made for our afternoon adventure. With each thrust my body hungered to feel him deeper, his pleasure of my exhibition, his joy of the freedom of fucking me softly in public, and the tremble of excitement of possibly being seen, all deepening our intimacy, our connection and passion. In one deep breath he picked me up and laid me back on the cold bench, where I was fully exposed for all to see and for him to take more fully as well. Thrusting himself into me over and over again our heat burned and we had to take our escapade to more private domains.

Some PDA (public display of affection) this had turned into.

Not so uncommon for me and some, but it is an uncommon and even feared fantasy for so many people and couples.

Adventure sex is one of the best connective tools a couple can experience. It does not always mean that you have to go to an orgy, or swing with strangers, even to have sex in public as my little tale above shares. Sometimes adventure sex can be very vanilla and simply mean doing something that you would like to explore or do again to rekindle the heat or expand your sexual horizons. Some of my tips of the week speak of having sex in the shower, tormenting each other under the table at a restaurant, revealing no panties just as you enter a theater or show, or before leaving your car give a sample blow job. Offer you bare pussy to your lover by pressing their finger into you while they are driving, kiss more passionately and thrust your hips into them while nibbling gently on their lip. Adventure sex may just mean changing up the room you have sex in or adding in a toy or some blindfolds and restraints.

Fantasy Sex DOES NOT have to remain a fantasy either. It has been shown over and over again that through acting out, sharing and allowing ourselves to grow our fantasies in a safe, intimate, boundary respected enviroment that we not only have a more harmonized psychological world, but our commitment and intimacy level with our partner is strengthened to new levels. Our actual relationship foundation becomes stronger and the container that we act in with our partner acts as a liberating agent instead of a space for shame, disconnect and fear.

Sexual fantasy is healthy folks!

Not all fantasy need be acted on, some may not even be very physically safe or may be a turn off for our partners.

Some fantasy sex may just need to be shared during lovemaking to heat things up. Or parts of the fantasy played out during regular love making and the rest just painted as if it were a picture for both to enjoy in the thralls of love making.

I can tell you that personally I love it when my partner takes me from behind, and applies his strength of dominance by holding me firmly or gently choking me while whispering our joint fantasies in my ear, using some strong language and letting me know how aroused he is with each thrust. This sort of partial fantasy play in my book is exhilarating and heals my shame of desire.

Yes SHAME of DESIRE.

Growing up in a catholic school, with parents much older then my friends parents very stuck in their ways and with the social programming that as a girl or a woman I should not desire sex. Only sluts and whores did this and they did it out of a lack of self respect. A girl who respects herself does not flaunt, crave, desire and most certainly would never share or act on these fantasies.

Not so uncommon a program, as the majority of the population has a similar one.

What I have learned through years of sex and relationship coaching with clients, and through my own healing processes with my teachers and lovers is that the ONLY should not is the denial of myself. If I say no to myself consistently, then I reinforce the shaming from my youth. Only through acceptance and saying yes to some of my desires do I heal and expand.

This is true for everyone.

In our ability to say yes to ourselves and to push ourselves to grow and experience new adventures we learn what our true beliefs are, we learn where our boundaries are and we experience liberation not only sexually but mentally, spiritually and as a whole authentic being. One that is making the call for ourselves instead of assuming that another individuals desires/beliefs/experiences and programs are good enough for us as well.

Through our awakening the supposed demon of desire we also awaken enlightenment.

Sex is truly a liberator, a healer and one of the greatest teachers we have been given. In our closure and shaming of this invaluable tool we shut ourselves off from life and turn toward self imprisonment all in the pursuit of being a “good girl or good boy” in the eyes of society.

So stop crucifying your sex and start saying yes to the oh so evil pearls of sin. Say yes to a fantasy. Say yes to an adventure. Say yes to growth, intimacy and unbounded passion.

You may just be surprised at how powerful the event turns out to be and what joys reside on the other side of the doorway of desire.

–KW

 

2 Steps and 7 Years from Out the Door

the breakup1

“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine

Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?

Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.

In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.

Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.

From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed  as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”

 

Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.

Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.

Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.

We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.

True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.

For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.

For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.

For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.

For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.

For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.

The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.

The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.

Steps to Prevention

  • Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
  • Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
  • Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
  • Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
  • Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
  • Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
  • Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
  • Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
  • Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
  • Never chase your man, give space without question.
  • Communicate. Communicate.
  • Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.

Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.

Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.

 

Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.

Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!

There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.

Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!

 

 

 

 

3 Keys to Mastering Female Orgasm

“You need to feel your man’s trustable presence before you will open your heart and body without guard. It’s a step-by-step process of learning. He learns to be more present, you learn to be more open.” – David Deida

3 Keys To Mastering Female Orgasm

embrace grab buttSex. Sex. Sex. Sometimes I have hormones and the drive of a 16 year old boy. Other days, I am as disconnected from my pussy and her desire for pleasure as my dead aunt Martha, bless her soul. But no matter how turned on, hungry and open I am there are STILL a few key things that have to happen in order to get me to cum.

Granted some things are out of my lovers control and ONLY in my hands, but if I am staying body present, that is out of my analytical, worry focused mind and instead open to surrendering to my lover and to orgasm as well as already turned on then what I need, like many women is for my lover to be conscious and patient enough to take care of three key orgasm stimulators.

Recently I have been blessed with a tad bit of what I would call “okay”- “so-so” – sex not great or gourmet sex. You know not the kind that feeds your whole being, that brings you to a point of total interconnectedness with all of reality, and loads your being with all the yummie hormones that are needed for positive thinking, clarity, health and intimacy.

Yes, gentlemen who are reading this it has been proven scientifically that orgasm does all of this and more for a woman.

More reason for mastery!

In my so-so sexing, which happens to all of us throughout our relationships and life and for numerous reasons I have have been witness to something that I have always known but never gave much credit to outside of key 1. The other two in all honesty, I have always just breathed through and thought that there was not much that could be done.

Wrong.

I have learned through my years that only I am truly responsible for my orgasm, and with that comes the responsibility to witness, learn and communicate such things as I am sharing here.

So are you ready?

Key 1: Slow the f–k down and enjoy some foreplay or I will fake my orgasm to get you off of me quickly.

Its true, all women fake it here and there and one of the main reasons is because many times even the most conscious, adoring, passionate, loving partners fake foreplay. Mainly because of these two reasons: 1) Don’t understand the real importance of foreplay for a woman and for relationship intimacy and 2) sex is being used as a stress release not for connection and joint pleasure. In other words if you are using her vagina as your personal Prozac then yeah…no good!

So guys, if you recognize in my frankness that you have been guilty of one or both of these with your lady then realize that you are forcing her to shut down to you and the repercussions will come out in other areas of your life together and in her interactions with the world.

Foreplay is VITAL! I am not speaking of a few wanna be strokes of her clit either, then a jabbing of penetration with your finger and a singular caress on a breast with a kiss, no. This is NOT foreplay.

Real foreplay should be fun for both parties. It should be a turn on for both. It should make her honestly wet, not wet because you spit on her some to get your finger in her or used lube.

Foreplay is different for each couple.
In general good foreplay consists of:
* kissing on the lips, swapping some spit not just the kissing you give to our grandmother folks, I am talking about messy, heated kisses. Share your breath, share your saliva, share your soul.
* Fondling each other during the kissing. Run those hands gently and firmly everywhere.
* licking and biting.
* Massaging your partners hot spots. This is different for each person so ask where your partner likes touched best.
* Teasing with your tongue, kisses, breath, fingers. Yes get active and take that mouth all around your partners body.
* Oral sex. Take it slow and enjoy your partner. For many women, oral sex is one of the only ways they can get out of their minds and into body presence. It is one of the only ways that they can surrender to orgasm. But you have to want to pleasure your lady as much as you want her to give you a blow job and enjoy it. If your not willing to go down on her then why the hell should she on you? And if you want her to spend the time down there on you then dito back at ya.
* Toys. This is a great way to intensify foreplay and get ready for more. So break out some toys and get playing. Be inquisitive about your partners body. Explore it like it were a magical cave because it is.

Key 2: No Smothering Your Girl! Give her room to breathe! So DO NOT use her as a boogie board. If you don’t have the ability to use your legs, arms and core muscles then stay the f–k off of her!

There is nothing wrong with being close and even to get so close at times that you feel like you may squish each other, but if you are just being lazy and laying on her then think again. Her body will close down to you and orgasm and she will be thinking about how your weight is too much and she wants you off of her. That is all it will take and you will have her faking an orgasm to get just this.

Holding down hands is amazing, pressing deep into her is wonderful, but REMEMBER to adjust your position and know what her favorite position is as well. All women are built differently and position plays a significant role in rubbing the right spot for long enough to achieve REAL orgasm. For example: Personally I am not a fan of being on top, not for any reason other then I feel my partner the least in this position and simply cannot orgasm this way. Although, I know that my lovers enjoy the view and most likely the feel, so yeah you have guessed it. I either fake it, forget about it or have to work really hard at achieving a microscopic feeling. For me personally, I adore flat doggie style (where the woman lays on her stomach while the man penetrates her from behind pressing through her legs and into her. This position hits my G-spot and a few other juicy zones and I can cum almost every time as long as foreplay is good and my lover has some stamina. My other favorite is missionary, I get depth, can adjust my hips, can move with my partner, can touch and be touched, can have my legs in different positions and can kiss. This position is wonderful UNLESS I am being squished for a period of time, Then you lost me!

In order for orgasm to happen your woman needs to be able to move and breathe. If she can’t arch her back, move her arms, hands, legs and head some then she will feel closed and thus shut down to you and orgasm. Now bondage play does not count in this, but this tip should be taken into account even there. Remember that your woman is like the ocean in everything she does. She needs to be able to move.

Key 3: OMG, she is cumming! I think? Maybe. Yeah that is an Orgasm, yeah I am done. Pump, pump eww, goo, pass out!

This is one of the most frustrating events for the majority of women. So let me make it clear to all men reading this. Women are NOT wired like men! We take time and our orgasm builds up like a wave(s). We do NOT just pop!

So most of the time you “think” she had an orgasm when in fact, you teased her with the sensation of the beginning of one and then left her hanging and now she has female blue balls! Yes women get a version of blue balls and any of you gents who have had this painful sensation should understand the frustration, irritation and disconnect from your partner when you get this.

The tip here is simple. Develop stamina and patience. When she is cumming, KEEP GOING! Watch her body, breath, words. If you have done the other two keys then she should be able to surrender to orgasm and have a real one, but NOW she NEEDS you to be her knight in orgasm armor and bring her all the way into rapture. This will only cum from your patience and stamina.

Remember that on average it takes men 2-10 minutes to achieve climax.
It takes most women 25-40 minutes to achieve climax.
Depending on what is happening and what kind of orgasm is coming about the time does vary.
You can shorten the time by seducing her, foreplay, giving her room, knowing her body and how to touch her, varying the sex dance (don’t get caught in a repetitive motion of just thrusting in her, she needs variety.)and your stamina.

So get busy folks, but take your time playing in the vaginal sandbox!

–KW