On Becoming a Real Man (And How to Find One)

fathersonbeachfathersonbeach

 

Below are the choices that I believe define a man, and contribute to healthier relationships in all forms, especially with self. This list is based on my experiences as a friend, son, brother, boyfriend, husband, and therapist.

I don’t claim to posses all of these traits. I actually struggle with most of them. You may or may not agree with my stance. Some are light. Some are heavy. They are in no particular order.

My intent is to create a dialogue. Nothing else. My hope is that if you are a man, it encourages you to think about who you want to be. If you are a woman, to think about whom you want to be with.

We live in a fatherless nation. Many of our fathers were or are physically or emotionally absent. I’ve seen the effects of this in the men and women who come to me for life-coaching, as well as the kids I’ve treated in residential rehab for substance abuse. The absent father contributes to eating disorders, addictions, dysfunctional or abusive relationships, codependency, low self-esteem, depression, and suicide.

Most men are not aware of their impact.

Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.

I want to thank all the men out there who have decided to look at themselves with courage to change, all the men making an honest effort to be good fathers, better husbands, and kinder friends — men who have sacrificed for their family, neighbors, and country.

I want to thank men working in mental health, hospitals, and classrooms, men who wear uniforms, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers. These are the true leaders of our world and I hope to follow in their footsteps. We are not born men. Becoming a man requires reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes a rebirth. It is a process that never ends.

How To Be A Real Man & How To Find One

DON’T argue.

Arguments are usually about two hurt people not being heard. Instead of hearing each other and addressing the hurt, we compete to see who can pull out the most shit from the past.

MEN: Break the cycle. She’s arguing with you because she’s not feeling heard. So put your point aside and focus on making her feel heard. Do this by practicing empathy, putting yourself in her shoes.

Once she feels heard, the argument can turn into a discussion. Express your point. If it gets heated again, don’t argue. Go back to addressing her feelings, making her feel heard. Make it a nonnegotiable that you will not argue. It takes two people to have a tug of war. If you refuse to hold the rope, there is no war.

You might be thinking, “Well, why should I back down first?”

What do you get from being right other than resentment and a stiff back from sleeping on the couch?

WOMEN: Exactly the same thing I said to the men.

DON’T be a bully.

Bullies aren’t just angry kids on the playground. They’re grownups. They run companies, wear uniforms, and raise families. They exist at work, home, and church. You may be sleeping with one.

The act of bullying comes in many forms, not just physical. There is emotional bullying, financial bullying, spiritual bullying, and mental bullying to name a few.

Ultimately, a bully is someone who tries to take away someone else’s power so that they can feel like they have more. For them, this feeling of being powerless creates fear and it’s this fear that drives them to be manipulative, controlling, aggressive, and abusive. Simply put, bullies are cowards. They are afraid to face their own defects and deficiencies, so they make others aware of their own.

MEN: Bullies were bullied. Break the cycle. You’re not bad. You’re hurt. This behavior does not make you powerful. It makes you powerless. Take the power back by taking responsibility for your actions and how they impact others.

WOMEN: Do you want a bully as a husband, father, or friend?

DON’T be creepy.

Being creepy comes from a false belief that one is not good enough. That builds up a fear of rejection, which engages the fight or flight mechanism. The fear can manifest as rubbing against women in dark clubs, stalking on Facebook, driving by the coffee shop to make sure she is with who she said she would be with, and, of course, overthinking everything.

MEN: First, know that being creepy repels women more than Ed Hardy shirts. Second, know that you can’t just stop being creepy. In order to stop, you must explore your wiring, your fear, and begin a process of acceptance. Simply put, you must grow.

WOMEN: When you run into someone who’s being creepy, imagine that person as Peter Pan. An adult child. Know that this person is immature, not evil. It’s a behavior men revert to because they lack certain tools.

I understand that that doesn’t make you any more attracted to them, but understanding allows empathy. My wish is that you empathize instead of criticize. Use their stunted growth to promote yours.

DO walk with mirrors.

Walking with mirrors means shattering the version of you that is false. In order to know which version is false, we must examine our thoughts, behaviors, and the effect we have on others. It also means taking responsibility for them by making a choice to choose differently if necessary. To walk with mirrors means to constantly examine self and to seek growth and truth.

MEN: Think about all the men you admire, from professional athletes to CEOs to musicians to your favorite grandfather. Who do you admire and why? You may be in awe of a man’s ability. The way Donald Trump makes money, Tiger woods sinks balls, and Tony Robbins motivates millions.

But the person you admire the most is probably the one who admits his defects and does something about it. The man who is vulnerable, transparent, and nondefensive. The man who is humble and honest.

WOMEN: Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. Find a man who walks with mirrors and you will not only find a man, but you will find a leader, a hero.

DO make your bed.

MEN: Why fix something that’s just going to get messed up in 10 hours? On the surface, making your bed shows that you’re clean, responsible, and willing to contribute to the household chores. But on a deeper level, you’re announcing to your partner, and to yourself, that you are going somewhere. You are now leaving to conquer the world. You have direction, a dream in your head, a fire in your belly.

I know you’re rolling your eyes, but humor me for a moment. Women want a man with direction. Without it, she will begin to doubt her man, and a woman in doubt means a relationship in trouble. The chemistry will change for the worse and she won’t know why. She’ll blame it on surface things like your dirty socks and why you “need” HBO.

Making your bed is about the subtext you’re sending out. You are saying you have direction, and you’re going out to conquer. So make your bed, or the only thing you’ll be doing on it is sleeping.

WOMEN: You don’t want him to make the bed. You want him to want to make the bed. How do you do this? Support him in his endeavors and make him feel invincible. Let him know that what he gets up to do every single morning is important and that you’re proud of him. Be consistent and mean it.

DO be humble.

The common thread in all great leaders is humility. When we are humble, we are open. There is space for self-understanding, awareness, and reflection. Only when we have accepted our imperfections can we be truly powerful. Unity is formed, which then builds trust. Trust allows people to feel safe, which creates cohesion, which creates change.

If a leader is self-centered, he are closed. There is no discussion. Only pointed fingers. This does not allow space for understanding or awareness or responsibility. No responsibility means no unity which means no trust, which ultimately means no growth.

MEN: When you think about all the men you respect and admire, how many of them display a sense of superiority, or talk at you instead of to you? You may respect and admire someone’s ability but that does not mean you respect and admire that person.

WOMEN: Don’t confuse humility with a lack of confidence. A man who listens more than speaks, observes first, and responds instead of reacts, may appear insecure and not sure of himself. But he’s actually being open. This ability requires courage. A humble man is a confident man.

DO kiss like you mean it.

Do you remember your first kiss? Of course you do. You know exactly where you were and what you were wearing. You remember wondering if you should use your tongue, and how long you should keep your eyes shut. But what you remember the most isn’t how it went. It’s how you felt. The butterflies in your stomach, the fear in your heart. The feeling you received, the energy you gave back. You don’t remember because you were curious. You remember because you wanted it to mean something.

Do you remember your 2,123rd kiss?

Of course you don’t.

When we kiss someone new, it’s exciting. It’s our first conduit into experiencing the other person intimately. It’s exciting.

Once we’re in a relationship, however, kissing becomes routine. Rarely do we kiss to discover. We forget the meaning behind kissing. Kissing means to express, connect, validate, assure, give, share, and explore.

MEN: Hold her face, touch her lips, look into her soul. Kiss her as if nothing else matters, as if time doesn’t exist, as if it’s the only way you could express yourself.

WOMEN: Kiss him how you want to be kissed. Show, don’t tell. Grab his head, pull his hair, reach deep into his heart with your mouth. Show him how it’s done.

Photo Credit: Shutterstock

ORIGINAL ARTICLE by John Kim of Mind, Body, Green

 

“Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle. “

Kendal’s Note’s on this Article:

Most men are not aware of their impact.

kendalcali2015-1“Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.” WOW, this is so true. Over and over again I am shocked at how little men understand about their impact on other’s emotionally. I would like to blame it on our rape culture or the fact that we have all been raised to put the responsibility on the women for the relationship in many ways, I would also like to stand strong here and say that “No one can hurt you unless you allow them to and that you make your mind up on how you are emotionally impacted by an event, that would be very Byron Katie or Abraham Hicks of me. However, being on the receiving end of this topic and also on the giving end a few times in my life I know that sometimes this is not the case. Sure we have choice as to how we cope and get through and how quickly we decide to put on a smile and move forward, but the emotional destruction that one person (male or female) can leave on another’s path can be detrimental and at very least can put that person into a state of chaos and need for extended healing. It is vital in our relationships with lovers and our children for sure that we do not shun the reality that we play a significant role in emotional harmony and health. Our action CAN and DO effect those in our lives and we have a responsibility to be conscious about what that looks like. Feelings may just be “feelings” but they also are the connection blocks to how our lives play out. It is through our emotional state that we attract our future. Our emotions set our energtic vibration and it here that we create our lives. 

So gentlemen, be cautious as to what you set up as expectations. Realize that sex is not the same energy and emotional frequency as scratching your back, for a woman it is emotional and if you want to be a superior man, one who is full of passion and on purpose then sex needs to be emotional for you as well. Learn to connect here and you will find connection EVERYWHERE!!!

Ladies, DO NOT accept a man who say’s “Oop’s, I can’t help it. That is sort of like when your having sex and a guy pauses for second in doggy position and then pulls out and penetrates your ass then says  Oop’s my bad wrong hole. Bullshit! A real man needs to take responsibility, needs to become conscious and accept that he may have made a mistake but should want to heal it and do the work to do just this. ” If you ladies are calling into your lives men who are not mature enough to be a real man, then you need to take a moment and really embrace what you as a woman are accepting and feeling (valuing) for yourself. You deserve more!

Arguing, Bullying and Being Creepy Oh My!!!!

Most arguments could be avoided if one party caught their ego at the front end and realized that it takes two to tango. Often women just need to vent and we DO NOT want Mr. Fix it to speak but instead we just need to literally be held. We need not to be made feel small or incapable in these moments and certainly not told that we are acting crazy or hormonal. We get this and we feel horrible already for acting out and opening up at this vulnerable place to our men. But we have to here and there or we will become calloused, cold, aloof and non-feeling. This will only cause us to dis-trust, not feel safe or supported and in the end you will find yourself at the very least in a sexless relationship because we can no longer feel you and our libido and attraction to you will be gone. So it may be easier and better all around if you as a man just learn to “Hold Space.”

If your a Bully, well I got nothing to say other then learn to check your EGO at the door or loose in life in general. If you feel like you need to work on this and many of us do, then studying Kabbalah would be a great start for awakening and healing. And Yoga.

Being Creepy, this is one of those hard things to understand for men. I know that many men just do not understand that they are doing it. But I can tell you that if you are face booking a woman repeatedly or messaging her on a dating site or other and she is not responding then you may have sent out the creepy feel. Its pretty simple, women need and want connection, this means authentic inquiry. Not whats your relationship status and I love you in your first comments. If you are desperate then chances are you are coming across creepy. If you have confidence issues, then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you are easily insulted or are quick to accuse then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you lean in too far when talking to a woman, creepy. If you make comments about our bodies before you are dating us, creepy. If you send a dick pic and we did not ask for it, creepy. If you stand there and stare at us for more then 30 seconds but never walk over and communicate, creepy. If you follow us out of a public place, VERY creepy!!!! And STOP that Shit! Us women want men in our lives and bed’s but we don’t want CREEPY!!!! BULLY or ASSHOLE!

Mirrors, Making Your Bed and Humility. Key’s to Success!

A man who is willing to do the internal work on himself, admit he does not have all the answers and see’s that he needs healing is a man that is aligned with transformation, love and success. The trick is not to just talk about it or think about it but to actually take the steps to achieving this and searching out the people who can help. Your actions ALWAYS speak louder than your words! Remember this!!! Be willing to break your mold repeatedly and GROW!

Kissing!!! Truly the TRUTH About A Man’s Purpose, Passion and Self-Love/Acceptance.

It’s in his kiss is how the song goes and it is so very true. Guys, this is the one thing that can reveal the deeper layers of a man’s being. Its more then how the kiss makes you feel as a woman. It’s about what the kiss is saying about the man. My first husband had bad teeth, he was insecure about lot’s of things. He had lofty goals but did not want to do the work to achieve them. He procrastinated, made excuses and carried anger and resentment. He said so much but not really anything. He said far more then he should about things that were sacred or held in trust but he held back in life and only allowed the surface and ego shit to rule during our marriage. He believed he was dedicated to self growth but in reality he was lazy to it and it scared him much like his power and purpose did. He NEVER would kiss me fully. He never would passionately let me feel him. He would not embrace me and penetrate my whole being with his soul, mind and mouth. I spend 18 years feeling alone and disconnected. Then left.

I currently have a lover of 5 years who from the first kiss bared his soul to me in divine passion. His kiss makes me dripping wet and kick starts my sex no matter how dreary a mood I am in. He always tells me that he loves that I am always smiling. That I am always turned on and laugh so much around him. He tell’s me that I make him feel like a man. Like he can do anything. He grabs me and passionately opens himself to me. He is present and on purpose. He is driven in his life in many ways and does not procrastinate. He puts health and play as focus points and takes care of business. He has his set of insecurities but he does not focus on them and he lives life from purpose and and desires instead of allowing the bad stuff that happens to us all to get him down for very long. He is not afraid to share his heart and emotions, but also does not allow them to carry him off.

It’s in his kiss ladies and gent’s. And if you want to know where a man is at with his purpose, passion and self-love/acceptance and even his presence level then here is where you can figure it out!

If you are not penetrating her and making her weak at the knee’s with your kiss then look back at how you feel about yourself, life, where you are at and what you are doing and go do the internal work as well as the physical work to change this. Don’t  just think your a bad kisser and need lesson’s. What you need is PURPOSE! Find yours and open.

Explore my Male Coaching today to become a Real Man

–KW

Why I Think All Men Need Therapy

Group-of-happy-men1vulnerableman-825x496

 

Let me preface this by saying I’m part of this group, too. Just because I’m a licensed therapist doesn’t mean I don’t need therapy. I have many, many things to work on, one of which is getting back into therapy.

Full disclosure: I haven‘t seen a therapist in years. I understand if you think that makes me a hypocrite, but it is my truth. I would rather be honest than pretend to be someone I am not.

Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle.

 

But here’s what I’ve learned from both my personal and professional experiences. Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle, something we must thread into our daily lives. And therapy can be the needle to guide that thread.

Yes, women need therapy too. But multiple studies and researchers have pointed to the fact that women make up nearly two-thirds of therapy patients, while men arguably benefit more from the process.

We have to let go of what we can’t control and just focus on our own shit.

 

I believe all men need therapy, including myself. Here are four of the most compelling reasons:

1. This generation doesn’t clearly define the male identity.

You might argue that this lack of definition is about the culture of 2015. Society had a strong definition of “the ideal man” in the ′20s, ′40s, ′50s, etc. But I believe it has to do with the fact that we live in a fatherless nation.

More than ever, our fathers are either physically absent or emotionally unavailable. So, how does a son learn who he is as he crosses into manhood? He doesn’t. The shadow of a suggestion of an identity he struggles after is one learned through advertising, media, and coping.

I worked as a therapist in residential treatment for about six years. I treated teens struggling with addiction, and the vast majority of them had an absent father. The boys clung to me, desperate for a positive male role model. They wanted a guide, a mentor, a man to teach them about life — what all boys crave at that age. I know I did. When deprived of that, they try to fill the void in unhealthy ways.

Therapy is a safe space for men who grew up with absent dads (most of us) to process the loss we’ve suffered, whether we realize it or not, and to create a new, healthy definition of what it means to be a man.

2. Therapy helps you find tools that will exponentially improve your relationships.

Generally speaking, men tend to maneuver more on a logical plane and women on an emotional one. Many men struggle to express their feelings, eventually leaving their partner in the dark, resulting in the two being separated by the unspoken issue(s) between them. Eventually, they grow apart.

I see this all the time in the couples I coach: Men tend to go to “fix-it” mode instead of expressing themselves and holding a safe space for their partner. They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles.

Since therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles. Once we have the ability to express ourselves, we can stop trying to fix it. Instead, we can be present, and create a safe space for our partner to talk to us. Then confrontations can turn into healthy conversations, creating closeness, trust, and stronger relationships.

Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you have problems. It means you want to be a healthier version of yourself. It just means adding more tools to your toolbox. These tools will translate directly into your relationship.

Your partner will see the difference in you and may be inspired to go on his or her own journey. Now we have two pistons pumping. Translation: You’ve stopped the tug-of-war and started to move in the same direction. This is the only way to improve a relationship.

It’s never about the other person. It’s about you.

 

3. It’s the only way a lot of men ever learn to stop trying to fix everything.

Men tend to think they can do everything by themselves. Not necessarily because of ego. It’s a pressure we put on ourselves to take care of the people we care about. When it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t realize that we are only 50 percent of the equation.

By thinking we can fix it, we can easily cross the line into controlling behavior without even knowing it. That means we have to let go of what we can’t control, and just focus on our own shit. This is what therapy is all about. Therapists are trained to keep the focus on the client so they can take ownership of their own issues and let go of other people’s.

I believe that with this mindset, the dynamic of the relationship will shift. There will be a lot less pressure and a lot more trust. Of course, women can do the same.

But from coaching hundreds of women, I’ve learned that the majority want their man to take the lead. It gives them hope and builds trust. Then they become inspired to work on anything they need to work on.

We get into a chess game with each other, subconsciously. We won’t change or work on ourselves unless the other person does too. But the only thing that grows in that dynamic is anger and resentment. It’s never about the other person. It’s about you, the kind of person you want to be, and what you want to bring to the relationship.

4. We have a responsibility to be better men than our fathers were.

I know it’s 2015, and much progress has been made. But men still tend to shy away or get embarrassed about seeing therapists. There’s a pervasive misconception that therapy is for people with “real problems.” So, men just talk to their friends, who are biased, and can’t advise them with the same experience, perspective, or authority. Men tend to associate “treatment” with weakness. I think we believe that if we see a therapist, we are admitting defeat. We are admitting we can’t fix it on our own. That last part is true. We can’t. But that’s okay.

Imagine if men went to therapy as much as they go to the gym. How many relationships would be saved? How many sons would have a healthier definition of manhood? And how many daughters would have higher self-esteem and a sharper radar when it came to boys? Imagine how much pain and destruction we could avoid. Then tell me it’s not a good idea.

ORIGINAL ARTICLE on Mind, Body Green

Photo Credit: Stocksy

The Health Benefits of Tantra

tantracouplesexWhen people hear the word Tantra, they usually think of kinky sex and sex positions in the Kama Sutra. They find their way to it by desiring to enhance their sex life. That’s okay for starters. However you find your way is however you find your way.

But then to find it to be so much more than enhanced sex gratification – what a surprise! I have found many unexpected health benefits from practicing this ancient form of meditation and related breath practices.

I began Tantra like most people, thinking it would enhance sex making it hotter and maybe even wilder. I had no idea back then how powerful Tantra was to become in every aspect of my life.

Very soon, after embarking on this path, I became aware of a quieting down in the mind, something I had been trying to accomplish for years to no avail. This alone helped me to reduce my stress levels.  But that’s not all; that was only the beginning.

Now, after 14 years of practicing Tantra, I am aware that I am not suffering anymore about anything physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Did I know this would happen to me? No way.

Tantra roughly translated means “to weave” body, mind and spirit. What this literally means is that you can expand your whole being through increased awareness of your senses, feelings and energy. This includes awareness of your breath – the basis of all forms of meditation – with the addition of your sexual energy increasing your ability to feel – specifically feel pleasure – very different from other forms of meditation.

So how can Tantra affect your health?  Why is it a holistic form of healing?

Basically people feel little if anything. They are mostly living their lives inside of their thoughts, judgments, evaluations and assessments: living in their heads. When their bodies give signals, they miss or ignore them because they are trained to value only what the mind thinks. So most people are numb or they do not feel very good. When they do feel, it appears that they feel bad, sick, hurt, victimized. There is very little room for pleasure. As a matter of fact, they feel little to no pleasure at all. Pleasure shows up as anticipation rather than a sensual experience, one that is felt in the body.

Remember really wanting something like a new car? Then when you got it, the pleasure didn’t last very long, maybe until the first scratch. It wasn’t the feeling you expected from acquiring a new car, was it?

The mind can imagine something or other will bring us a feeling of pleasure, but it actually takes the body to feel it. For many people, feeling strongly passionately was discouraged. We were told we had to stay in control of ourselves, of our emotions. Things were said to us like, “Why do you feel like that? That’s not rational.”

So, we learned to bury our feelings and experience life in our heads. Our bodies became useful for wearing decorative adornments (attraction) and for getting us somewhere, like from meeting to meeting (minimal movement). In essence our bodies have become something we do to or use in certain ways, but not a source of inner knowledge. Not bad, just not pleasurable; not healthy either.

Many people have become automatons rushing to work, doing, doing, doing.  But when it comes time to relax, take a breath, we cannot seem to do it. For most people, it’s a little frightening to stop and focus on breathing.

When we look to find our pleasure, even erotic pleasure, there seems to never be enough time. Because we’re so disconnected, sex doesn’t live up to our expectations.  Or maybe, just maybe, all those feelings we’ve been holding down are likely to come rushing up and we can’t have that, can we?

That’s right, feelings, emotions, senses, intuition, memories will often come up during sex. And then what do we do? Who has time for that anyway? What if we go out of control? Who wants to experience that?

You do! I do!

Why is this so important?

You want to feel all of those feelings so you can increase your capacity for pleasure. It’s your birthright to feel pleasure and it’s an aspect of life to feel. In essence, it’s honoring yourself.

When you start this way of breathing and sensing, you will naturally feel better, happier, passionate, more alive. The operative word here is “naturally.” It is our nature to feel.

Okay, how? Why does this have anything to do with Tantra?

In Tantra, we learn to breathe along with doing Kegel exercises and making sounds. So, we learn how to breathe properly. Then we add sphincter muscle and PC muscle contractions to build a charge in our own body using the vital life force – sexual energy. This enables us to feel all our feelings.

Once we feel them, we learn to release stored toxic feelings and memories from the past. We also learn to transmute the sexual energy into a spiritual connection with our “higher selves.”

The result is eradication of feelings of shame and guilt as well as any other trauma we may have experienced earlier in our lives that’s has been stored in our cellular memory.

The outcome = pleasure, permission for unabashed life at it’s fullest – body, mind and spirit connected working in union.

Remember I began Tantra thinking it would enhance sex. I had no idea how my life would really change. Had I known, I would have become interested in Tantra earlier in life. Is sex hotter? Yes. Is that all? No. It’s so much more.

The Holistic Benefits Of Practicing Tantra:

1. Feel great about yourself – more attractive, self-confident, increase your capacity for more pleasure, experience joy and fulfillment as a way of life.

2. Empower your well-being – eliminate toxins, eliminate stress – accept yourself for who you are & release deep painful cellular memories; feel safe and whole.

3. Focus – set your intentions, do the practices and watch the laws of attraction bring what you want i.e. life partner, more money, career change

4. Uplift your relationships – see others for who they really are, relate to their deep divine nature and trust your intuition

5. Experience the expression of your deepest emotions. Know rapture, love, passion and beyond! Become your own beloved!

By Laurie Handlers:

www.ButterflyWorkshops.com is a sex educator, author, and intimacy coach. She holds a Masters in Education and a Bachelor’s in Psychology and Sociology. Her career includes over thirty years as a corporate change consultant, individual empowerment coach and international seminar leader. She’s a dynamic speaker, facilitator and has taught transformational workshops for women, men, couples, singles, parents and teens since 1978 on communication techniques and secrets that are the basis of healing the body, releasing past emotional trauma, stopping the aging process, and reducing stress. Pod casts from her show Sex and Happiness can be found atwww.WebTalkRadio.net. Laurie stars in a hilarious indie documentary “Tantric Tourists” and her new film “Beyond Dinner” just won best short feature award at the Erotikos Film Festival 2012. Her book Sex & Happiness: The Tantric Laws of Intimacy and her CD “Shamanic Release & Latihan” are samples of her offerings.

 

Original Posting

Which is the Relationship of Your Dreams?

Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?

There are essentially 3 kinds of relationships: Traditional, Conscious, and Transcendent.  Each serves it’s own purpose.  Take a look at the descriptions below and ask yourself what kind of relationship you’re in and what kind of relationship you would like to be in.  Remember, some people can’t or don’t want to do the necessary work too get to the next level.  Are you willing to do what it takes to have the relationship of your dreams?
Wedding2LEVEL 1: TRADITIONAL RELATIONSHIP
This is the most familiar dynamic found in traditional marriages and relationships.  The focus is on shared interests and values rather than personal growth.  In Traditional Relationships neither person has done the necessary psychological or spiritual work to bond either with themselves or another.  This means that the couple connects at the personality rather than the emotional and spiritual levels.  When two people relate from the personality or “I” level, the individual’s focus remains on him or herself rather than on the other.  Each person is primarily focused on getting his or her own needs met which prevents the “we” of the relationship from forming.  As a result these relationships often become stagnant and power struggles occur frequently.  To remain together, partners in Traditional Relationships avoid looking at key issues, pretending they don’t exist.  Many couples feel safe and secure in a Traditional Relationship.  It is all they ever want or need and they can remain at this level forever.  These couples will not naturally progress to the next two levels of relationship.  Traditional Relationships end when one partner embarks on his or her psychospiritual journey and it becomes impossible to continue growing while remaining in the relationship.

 

bewithsomeoneLEVEL 2: CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP
When soul mates come together they join in Conscious Relationship.   Soul mates are those who relate from the soul level.  Though many seek a soul mate, the requirement for this kind of relationship is that both people must have done some psychological and spiritual work prior to meeting in order to relate soul to soul.  In Conscious Relationships the focus is on emotional and spiritual growth both as individuals and as a couple.  Those in Conscious Relationships are engaged in learning lessons.  Their goal is to transcend the physical and emotional levels to the spiritual plane.   As they actively work through issues together, Conscious Couples are increasingly able to lean in and trust one another to create the “we” of the relationship.  One of the great challenges of Conscious Relationships is that they are transitioning from an I-based to a we-based relationship as they learn not only to work on their own individual issues but also as they learn to apply what they learn to the relationship as a whole.  As this happens, power struggles occur.  Though profound, Conscious Relationships but do not necessarily last forever.  They might end when both partners are no longer able to grow together or when one person does not meet the other person’s Essential Needs.  Just because people are Conscious Partners does not mean that they can automatically fulfill the other person’s requirements.  Reaching the level of Conscious Partnership is a significant accomplishment and can lead to nourishing and lasting relationship.
526990_275859732522705_1737236878_nLEVEL 3: TRANSCENDENT RELATIONSHIP
Not everyone wants to do the work to reach this third.  Transcendent Partners love one another unconditionally.  They are “guardians of each others souls.”  Because Transcendent Partners have mastered the art of taking personal responsibility, they generate their identity, happiness and emotional stability from within and there is no fear of losing themselves in the relationship.  With such a strong sense of their individual selves, Transcendent Partners can fully surrender to the “we” of the relationship, forming a union where the individual is not lost and the whole is profoundly greater than the sum of its parts.  Skilled in unconditional acceptance, power struggles rarely occur. Transcendent Partners fully support each other in going for their dreams.  They live in truth and can share anything without fear of shame or blame.  Transcendent Partners relate at the spiritual level and have evolved beyond the need to work at the relationship.  Both partners are guided not by outer but by inner forces and by each other.  Knowing that what they have together is enough, Transcendent Partners are content and can commit to one another for life.  Transcendent Partnership is focused in gratitude and on giving back to society.  There are few models in our society for this type of partnership.  Conscious Partners can and do evolve into Transcendent Partnership when both people do their individual work.  You have not failed if you achieve a Traditional or Conscious Relationship.   Transcendent Partnership is not and should not be for everyone.

 

Original Article Posting

The Risky Game of Sex

 TwoMenALady400

 

“Sex is a risky game, because if you’re not careful, it will cut you wide open.” – from the film Kinsey

 

This quote is perfect. It is exactly what sex is supposed to do! However in today’s society we have crushed and termed sexual acts taboo. Somewhere along the line we made sex demonic, something that we should only do to conceive a child and should only be done in the missionary position. If we are not married then god forbids we ever explore such an act as sex.  We tell our children, “Sex is for a mommy and a daddy to do to show their love for each other. “ “Wait till you are married and only give yourself to your husband or your wife.” Oh and one of my favorite statements. “Wait till your 30.” Good girls and boys don’t have sex in their teens, they don’t fantasize about the hot boy or girl or even their teacher and they certainly DO NOT masturbate. Girls are taught from early on to be “lady like” and to shun their sexuality, their inner erotic creature. Girls are told that they should cover up and not show their breasts at all, be careful of how much booty they show, how tight their clothes are and what their body language is saying. They are taught that it is not ok to be a sensual woman. Boys are taught that girls are property and that the female in society for the most part is of a lower ranking then the male. Boys can go without a shirt in public; it’s even okay for boys to make comments about girls that may not be as tasteful as they could be, after all boys will be boys. And yet it is still taught that sex is not something to empower us but something that is to remain hidden. With all this sort of societal training it is no wonder that our youth for many decades has grown into a sexually dysfunctional culture and our relationships suffer from such issues as jealousy, rage, betrayal, duty sex as well as lack of intimacy.  Let alone simple stupidity when it comes to the actual power or act of sex. Our sex education in school is not one that teaches about reality, it only is in place to make sex a scientific study, one that is not of emotional or spiritual connection. High School Sex Ed teaches about sexual diseases and gives plenty of scare but does not teach about integrity, honor, respect or empowerment.

 

tantricloveSex is a risky game. If one opens up to healing their sexuality they discover a deep liberation from the societal bullshit that is accepted across the board. They discover that they are a powerhouse of unconditional love and creative energy. They awaken to empowerment through their sexuality that changes the face of every aspect of their lives where they learn how to develop and maintain healthy relationships with not only their lovers but all people.  Sexual liberation is the one thing that can change the face of this world quicker than any other form of healing in my opinion. Until we embrace our sexual power we are sheep being controlled by the rule of men and women who will further take away our rights and freedoms to the point of slavery. Only in our willingness to heal our sexuality and allow our sexing to ‘cut us wide open’ will we be able to embrace our divine aspects and find unconditional love and acceptance for our fellow humans. Being ‘cut wide open’ is stating a deep vulnerability, it is living in this vulnerability to life and accepting that just as when we were in the womb of our mother and everything we ever needed was made available and taken care of this is still so in our adult lives. Our need to control life is only a statement of ego; all our needs are provided for us if we can open ourselves in this beautiful state of orgasmic life flow.

 

We live in a world where prostitution is for the most part illegal. Sex workers across the world have limited rights and if one is “raped” well then she asked for it, after all she is a sex worker, a woman with little to no morals, yet porn runs ramped in our society and both men and women are learning wrong forms of intimacy and sex without honor. Our expectations of our lover are forever changed as we view these ‘performances’ and then turn to our relationship and find ourselves unsatisfied. Divorce rates are ever increasing as are extramarital affairs.

In a recent study:

  • Of young college men over 35% of them said that they would rape a woman if they could get away with it.
  • 87% of guys and 79% of girls said sexual assault was acceptable if the man and the woman were married.
  •  65% of the boys and 47% of the girls said it was acceptable for a boy to rape a girl if they had been dating for more than six months
  • 43% of college-aged men admitted to using coercive behavior to have sex, including ignoring a woman’s protest, using physical aggression, and forcing intercourse.

rapebooze

 

 

This societal attitude is accepted, yet prostitution is not. Prostitution is immoral, I forgot, and rape is not? Oh wait only some forms of rape are, the above forms are the exceptions to the rule…Mmmmmhhhmmm. And if a man ventures out and seeks sexual connection from another woman whom he pays for her time and energy then sex is NEVER possibly rape. This immoral woman has no boundaries or say in what happens to her body, after all she is opening herself up to sex and as we already stated “sex is a risky game.” Folks these beliefs and attitude take us only backward in the evolution process. They do nothing for humanity, peace, education or respect. They certainly don’t teach how to love or how to open to the great positive powers of such a divine act as sex.

Our closed minded religious view points of sexuality have only created a society of sick bastards: men and women alike who repress their desires until they act them out unhealthily or shut themselves off to themselves and their loved ones so that sex is no longer an act of love, intimacy, passion, bliss and creation but one of duty and guilt, or even disgust.

For anyone who wants to know just how contaminated our culture has become I encourage them to take a quick tour on Craigslist.

  • Married, curious male looking to suck my first cock. I imagine you will be discreet, older, clean, not very hairy and patient. I am clean cut, professional, very discreet, DDF, 6′, 220#, could stand to lose a few pounds but not too big. You can reciprocate if you want, but this is about me sucking. I’ve fantasized for a long time. You must host or we meet somewhere soon
  • Married? Wife refuses to suck cock? Let’s get together for some guy time. Football, beer, and we can suck each other off. Casual relationship. Great if wives can become friends. Must be discreet.
  • I love fucking your wife! Want to surprise the sweetie with your fantasy? I am a MWM, 6′, 210#, 9″ uncut, clean, fit, will do ANY fantasy you want.
  • Looking for a male interested in spending their day or night Fucking.
    I am a giver who will do ANYTHING to make her man have the biggest explosion of his life.
    I will do things your wife doesn’t let you, I will let you take any of my holes and let you blow your load wherever you want.
  • Are you a Hot, Sexy & Gorgeous Mother that would be considered a MILF or a Cougar & do you have a Daughter or Daughter’s Living with you that are just as gorgeous as you are?
    Are you both submissive & do you Need & Want an Older Dominant White Man to come into your lives?
    Are you both submissive Little Whorish Sluts who are sexually out of Control & Do you need to be taken in Hand & Disciplined?
    Do you wish to Meet Someone immediately & have your Lives Brought Back to Order?
    If you find that any of what has been said in this ad interests you, then TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT EACH OF YOU (Including Your Names & Ages) & SHOW ME JUST ONE GOOD PICTURE OF YOUR FACES.
    After I have received your Response with the Required Pictures & Information about yourselves, I will show you My Picture in Return & We Can Move forward from there.

Make sure you read the title of this picture!

“Mother and daughter together serving their purpose in life, submitting to black cock.”

Serving their purpose in life?

bjmomdaughter

If we only really understood the darkness of what is happening behind closed doors. America has more underground sex slavery then most free sex countries do. Why is this? Why does our society support these acts against human sexuality in their hushing and joining in when no one is looking? Yet when sexuality is discussed in open and healthy sexing is taught by educators these same contributors are neigh sayers to sexual freedom and say that sexual liberation is immoral and against the Bible.

The ego at play yet again. It is up to us though, you and I alike to change this. To take back our sexuality rights and to harness our sexual power in a healthy fashion. It is our right to enjoy our sexing and to heal our physical, emotional, spiritual and mental bodies through sexual empowerment practices.

Your fantasies are natural and even healthy. Your sexual hunger is normal. Your longing to connect in a intimate fashion with another human being weather that is someone of the same sex or not, may it be your wife or husband, boyfriend or a stranger or even in a Ménage à trios or at an orgy is all perfectly right and part of our human experience of sexuality. What is wrong and unhealthy is when these acts of intimate play happen out of expectation, rage and our misunderstanding of intimacy and respect of our fellow human beings. When we start to view another human as an inanimate object there for our pleasuring needs then we fall into the dark shadows where we lose ourselves and with us society as well.

Make a resolution for 2013 to educate yourself on true integrity, unconditional love and the empowerment of sex as well as how sex can liberate and heal our world instead of causing pain and separation in it.

526990_275859732522705_1737236878_n

–KW

SCIENCE IS DISCOVERING THE POWER OF MENSTRUAL BLOOD

Gnostic Christians used to call their religion Synesaktism – another word for Agape – which means ‘The Way of Shaktism’, referring to Tantric Yoni-Worship.

One of the most important rituals was preparing a ‘drink of immortality’ made from menstrual blood, which is full of healing stem cells, which can actually activate our cellular capacity to regenerate and transport us to endocrine states of rapture. Or in a spiritual sense open us to the Frequency of Love and Eternal Life, transporting us to another Dimension – called Heaven, Paradise, Nirvana etc.

This ‘Love Feast’ or ‘Sacred Marriage’ – a core part of the Menstrual Mysteries – was eventually declared a heresy and women were barred from participating in Christian rites. 

However the ‘Power of Renewal, Rebirth, and Resurrection’ previously associated with the Holy Womb and Menstrual Blood of the Divine Mother was transferred to the story of Jesus and his ritual of Eucharist – ‘hic est sanguis meus – this is the Chalice of my Blood’ – where worshippers ‘drank his blood’ to gain the power of Rebirth through him.

In most ancient myths and religions, throughout the world dating back hundreds of thousands of years, the power of rebirth had always been a blessing of the Feminine Womb – embodied and gifted by Sacred Womb Priestesses across many cultures. It had never been held by a man. Although there are many legends about the ‘menstrual powers of female shamans’ being stolen by male gods.

The Holy Grail, in its true original essence, is the Womb. 

Women born many, many thousands of years ago in what we might called ‘Original Innocence’ – before many of our genetic capabilities went offline, held this power naturally, as a birthright, shared with their tribes in renewal rituals.

Since those times, once the birthright was lost, women across many lineages and cultures – Womb Priestesses – have practiced many varied ways to heal, clear and open the Womb, so it can once again embody the frequency of Love, of Original Innocence, so that the energetic and physical stem cell capacity can activate purer states of consciousness and activate incredible regenerative healing. This knowledge has been almost lost over the last thousand years, as it has been fragmented, scattered and deliberately destroyed.

Now it is desiring to return, to ‘renew our lands’ as the myths go.

Earlier this year Dr Azra Bertrand and I met with a top international research scientist working with menstrual blood stem cells. His research indicated they had the capacity to work ‘miracles’. He described how the first time he used Menstrual Blood Stem Cells he felt like he had been ‘reborn’ – an unfit man in his late fifties, he’d had to run around the block because he had so much energy.

Another research scientist in his sixties working with stem cells had experienced his hair change from grey to the black of his youth in a matter of months. Throughout the world, in secret, these experiments are happening – in China, Russia, India, and more.

Whilst women are giving their power away to patriarchal ideologies, taking drugs to stop their menstrual cycle, using cancer-causing chemical bleached tampons to stem the flow, seeing their Menses as an inconvenient ‘curse’ they are ashamed of, male scientists around the world are using the power to experience states of physical and spiritual high.

Isn’t it time we reclaimed our power? Fountain of Life will have much more to say about this subject in 2013!

Please circulate and share the information. 

Extract from Womb Awakening: Return of the Feminine, Rebirth of the Masculine © Fountain of Life

First seen on: Sensual Bliss Voyager

The Elusive Female Orgasm

 

Picture from Vulva Love Lovely

The elusive female orgasm, what is it and how many types are there? For many years and still in some views women don’t have orgasms. EVER! Yet the majority of the world has come to the reality that like men, women are sexual beings whom enjoy orgasms. Matter a fact women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms (waves) and it is uncertain as to just how many types of orgasm a woman can actually experience. I am going to cover the three main types of female orgasm here and give a brief summary of the other eight that are most taught in Tantric Therapy. As well as a peek at the two most powerful Orgasms that are highly sought after and needed for female health.

Vaginal Orgasm

In today’s time many women claim not to have vaginal orgasms and this is very possible because of the blocked trauma that is preventing them of doing such. However ALL women are able to have vaginal orgasms once their physical, mental and emotional bodies are healed and united. Indeed, this type of orgasm can be tricky to achieve. For multiple reasons, one being, the vagina is not exactly optimally designed for maximum orgasmic potential — most of the sensations are felt in the first (outer) third of the vagina. Unlike a man’s penis that is sensitive all over the shaft area the internal cavities of the vagina are not. Unless proper healing and body/mind/emotion connection has been harmonized allowing for optimum sensation on the walls of the vagina. Experts and researchers such as Barbara Keesling have discussed the pleasure potential of the “cul-de-sac” — an area at the back of the vaginal canal, just behind where the cervix enters the vagina. Women can experience very intense orgasms with stimulation here. Some refer to this as “the X-spot. This area of the vagina near and on the cervix is very sensitive for the majority of women. However some are “numb” at the cervix area. Any woman who has had her lover press deep into her and push on her cervix most likely knows what this can feel like. For most women that have experienced some sort of traumatic, emotional experience(s) in their lifetime however, this feeling may not be pleasurable AT ALL. Instead it may feel like a dagger and the pain from the pressure may well up tears, cause instant anger, fear, anxiety and indeed a longing to stop whatever sexing is happening in that moment. Weather a woman feels this sort of pain or numbness while having the cervix massaged does not matter other then it shows that there is great healing of the cervix that needs to happen. Once a cervix is healthy and these negative traumatic blockages are released from the cellular tissue, a woman can experience endless, powerful, full body orgasms. The orgasms that come from the cervix are like no other, they carry with them a depth of soul, emotion and physical power that it is hard to describe. One must experience to understand.

Fact:  In actuality, when most people talk about a vaginal orgasm, they are more specifically referring to a G-Spot orgasm.

G-Spot Orgasm

For something so small, the G-spot has certainly managed to make its way to center stage in woman’s sexuality — and as with anything that is in the lime light it has stirred up more than its share of controversy. Some people don’t believe it exists at all, while others swear by its ability to produce unparalleled pleasure.

The G-Spot is a small area within the upper wall of the vagina, about one to two inches from the opening. With insertion of a finger you may feel this small area that has a rougher, almost chicken skin texture on the outer skin feel to it just past the urethral sponge. To assist you in finding it you can press with the inserted finger upward while connecting your thumb to the clitoris and acting as though you are pressing the two fingers together. Not all G-spots are in the exact same location however, somewhere within this region you will discover with present soft touching the G-spot. When a partner is looking for this spot pay close attention to your lover, she will certainly feel when you press on it. Some women have the ability to reach orgasm through direct stimulation of the G-Spot or gentle massage of the area. When the G-Spot is stimulated, the woman will often feel as if she has the urge to urinate. And, in fact, during a G-Spot orgasm, many women will mistakenly believe they have accidentally urinated. This is because a G-Spot orgasm is notable because it is usually accompanied by a lot of fluid. This is generally referred to as “female ejaculation.” Yet, the fluid is released from the urethral sponge area. When the G-spot is being massaged the sponge normally is massaged as well. Both of these areas can start out very small and even hard to find in some women, but once stimulated they can expand and grow to taking up a much larger part of the internal vaginal wall.

The same applies to the G-spot that was mentioned with cervix. When a woman has experienced traumatic experiences in her life time, may that be sexual abuse, abandonment, deep fears, loss of loved ones, physical/mental abuse, child birth or other events that can cause trauma to lock up in the cellular tissues, the G-spot as well as the Urethral sponge, cervix and/or clitoris can become overly sensitive and painful to the touch or dull and numb. Either of these reactions is a sign of needed healing and release of these stored traumas.

Once healed properly this elusive yet magical place in a woman’s body can bring great pleasure and fulfillment in lovemaking.

 

Hint of Peach
http://vi.sualize.us/hint_of_peach_bodyscape_female_orus_artistic_picture_amHS.html

Clitoral Orgasm

The clitoral orgasm is generally viewed as the easiest type of orgasm for a woman to achieve which is why it’s the fixation of both men and women in “getting her, her’s first” idea. Some women also deem it the most pleasurable, but other women who experience G-spot orgasm, cervical, or whole-body orgasm may disagree with that. In fact, many women believe that they are unable to achieve orgasm unless the clitoris is stimulated, even if this occurs only indirectly by way of friction from intercourse. However, this is often because, with most sexual encounters, women don’t get enough time to awaken their vaginas and the sensitive spots internally to experience orgasm through stimulation of them. If lovemaking was slowed down and extended long enough too really, REALLY arouse a woman before penetration, it is a safe to say that lots more women would be experiencing more than clitoral orgasm. As well as the healing needed that has been covered in other orgasm types. This too is the case with the clitoris. It is important to note that the clit can become over sensitive very easily and once this happens pleasure quickly becomes irritation and pain, killing a women’s hunger for sex. Similar to the tip of a man’s penis the clitoris can become desensitized as well. This happens from too much extended massaging or friction. Many women and men have been programmed to believe that rough is good on the clit, yet as with the case for everything, each woman’s clit is different. Not just different from other women but different in sensation moment to moment. It’s important to pay close attention and keep open communication flowing when in all of your sexing.

Even in self-pleasuring the majority of women focus on clitoral stimulation as to bring themselves to orgasm because they have learned that this is often the quickest and most effective route. However, the speed training of the body to expand into orgasm is not allowing for full sexuality to unfold and the liberation that can be experienced through orgasm is side stepped because we have lost an appreciation for slow, deep loving and sexing in our lives. Causing the majority of the relationship, emotional, and even psychological issues that many deal with today. This quick to orgasm societal habit that has formed contributes to anxiety, stress, depression, poor health and blocked trauma.

U-Spot Orgasm

This orgasm is achieved by stimulating a small spot which contains sensitive erectile tissue directly above and on either side of the urethral opening.

Anal Orgasm

To achieve orgasm here and heighten all sexual stimulation insert a single finger into the anal canal by about ½ to 1 inch, no deeper than your first knuckle. Then gently press this finger against a finger or two that has been inserted into the vagina at the same distance, begin gentle massaging while pressing these two areas together. Some women do enjoy full penetration anally, orgasm can achieved this way if a woman is first sexually stimulated and fully relaxed. She must trust her partner deeply so that her body can move past the initale discomfort and into the pleasure. Anal sexing is a slow moving, deeply emotional event and must be regarded with honor and care as to not further cause any trauma to the woman.

A-Spot Orgasm

This orgasm is achieved by stimulating about ¾ of an inch deep in the front wall of the vagina. This area of the vagina is extremely sensitive and as blood rushes to it it becomes even more so. Often this area is over looked because penetration happens so quickly.

Deep Spot Orgasm

This area is located deep in the vagina just before the cervix. It is the deepest back wall of the vagina. This area may be numb or over sensitive if a woman has block trauma however. Massaging of this area and clearing at the cellular level can help induce powerful orgasms.

Breast Orgasm

Some woman can reach orgasm by the stimulation of their breasts. Soft sensual touching, kissing, pinching and even a nursing action can bring some women to orgasm and is a great way to increase pleasure in foreplay or lovemaking. But again, watch for over stimulation.

Oral Orgasm

Some women are extremely sensitive in their mouths can achieve orgasm while kissing or receiving/giving oral sex. The extra saliva formation that happens as arousal kicks up adds to the sensitive internal areas of the mouth as well as the lips. The direct mental link between mouth and genitals can be intense for some.

Skin Orgasm

Some women can reach orgasm at the touch of their skin. Perhaps this is good reason many ancient sexual practices focus on massage and bodywork.

Mental Orgasm

Some women can reach orgasm during auditory or visual stimulation, such as watching a movie, reading erotic literature or watching others having sex. This orgasm happens without any physical stimulation.

Two other BIG Orgasm Types for women that SHOULD NOT go unspoken of are Full Body and Emotional Orgasms. Both of these happen from a blending of the above mentioned orgasms and can only be achieved if sex is approached from a slow fashion and certain levels of healing has happened allowing for a woman to open into herself and trust in her partner to level needed that the orgasmic energy can dance throughout her chakra system and manifest as a full body or emotional orgasm.

–KW

 

Door # 1 or Door # 2 ?

” Reality 1: Hang on to Old Reality consciousness and becom immersed in its crumbling facade and deepening devastation. This reality will be filled with mounting evidence that the old ways of seeing the world are no

 longer functional.

Reality 2: Align yourself with the uplifting grace of New Reality consciousness and its inherent sense of the new, the hopeful and the inspired. Align yourself with its enormous potential to build a new and better world.

These two realities are like two ships waiting to leave port. Both ships have raised steam; their propulsion turbines are at rest, yet poised with potential and ready to push the massive ships forward.

For now, you are still able to move from one ship to the other, making your choice while they remain in port, but time is running short. The two ships, Reality 1 and Reality 2, are about to leave port and go their separate ways.

The reality that you subscribe to – the one to which you give the most energy – is the one that you will see manifest more and more in your perception of the world.

When storms pass by, they affect all ships. As world crises pass by, they affect all people. The difference is that those in the New Reality community will sense the emerging love and the new hope for a better world that emerges with each crisis, while those who subscribe to the Old Reality consciousness will fall deeper into a fear-filled view of reality.

Here are the rules of Reality 1: Watch the television, especially the news. Be afraid, very afraid. Do what you are told.

Here are the rules of Reality 2: Notice the ever-increasing frequency of consciousness that fills the air. Notice how each day makes it easier to access the unconditional love of heart-centered consciousness. Notice how you can join with others of like mind and work for a better reality, a future filled with community and support, while helping each other to realize more spiritual unfoldment.

For a time, the people of Reality 1 and Reality 2 will keep sharing the same world. The difference is the lens through which they will perceive reality.

The lens that looks at a material world sees one reality, while the lens that looks through the heart sees a totally different picture, even though they are looking at the same world. The lens that you choose determines how you experience your reality.

The time has come to make a firm decision to join the good ship, “Reality 2,” with its New Reality consciousness, and to see the world through a lens that encourages your purpose in life.

It is a time to expand your awareness through an increased focus on spiritual consciousness, through the study and practice of the universal laws, and through reaching out to others who can be helped in turbulent times that are filled with both great change and great opportunity.

It is time to make that crucial decision, to join your ship and set your course directly into the dawn of the emerging New Reality.

The single most powerful opportunity for spiritual advancement in 26,000 years is coming and it is just a month away!

In order to best prepare for the 2012 cosmic gateway which occurs on December 21st, we are running a 2012 Transformation course, starting on December 1st.

Prepare now to pass through the 2012 gateway in the best possible way. Join the many souls of like mind on this course who will be learning about the emerging new standard in spiritual growth. Tune in with the ascended masters who will be assisting us during this course to reach the new level of spiritual consciousness.”

–Owen Waters

The sexual performance anxiety epidemic

While there may not be a verifiable “epidemic” of performance anxiety, many people are unhappy in their sexual lives because they worry that they are not doing it right. They feel inadequate and unsure of themselves, and somehow sex isn’t so much fun anymore. (note: we’re speaking here primarily of heterosexual sexuality, though the basic approach also applies to same-sex lovemaking)

In fact, while worrying about whether your sexual performance is satisfactory, meeting up with your lover for sex can come to seem like just another household chore, or perhaps some kind of final exam, which you could flunk!

This pervasive sense of doubt about your sexual performance has a further insidious effect: it makes your performance worse. When you are worrying about how you are doing, you’re not in the moment. You’re not enjoying your partner’s touch or the pleasures of touching him or her. The thoughts are whirring around in your head: will I keep my erection? Can I get turned on enough for him? Am I moving OK? What is he thinking about my body (OMG I’m fat)? Can I make him (her) come?

These thoughts are highly distressing, and distract you from the pleasures of the moment. Just a reminder: sex is (supposed to be) fun and pleasurable. Making love should be much more like play than work.Being a great lover does not depend upon hitting some kind of performance targets.

Part of what makes this so difficult is our cultural myopia about sexuality and making love. We partake of these cultural notions through osmosis, from media depictions of sexuality, overheard conversations and adolescent fantasies. Unfortunately, much of it is not accurate!

These cultural assumptions are simplistic, condensing the rich tapestry of adult sexual possibility to a few bullet points:

  • Sex equals  penis-in-vagina intercourse;
  • This necessarily requires an erection for the male, and automatic lubrication for the female; and
  • It doesn’t really count unless both partners experience an orgasm.

Note that each of these steps indicates an expectation for the targeted behavior: this is where performance anxiety begins. What if I can’t have sex because of pain? What if I can’t keep an erection? What if I can’t make my partner have an orgasm? What if I don’t have an orgasm?

This is a tangled web. These expectations lead to worry about performance, which degrades performance and stifles enjoyment, resulting in unhappy lovers who don’t feel good about themselves.

There’s a better way to find satisfying, enjoyable and exciting sex with your Beloved. It begins with an honest acknowledgement that things aren’t going well, and a strong affirmation that you want to work together to create a more satisfying sexual relationship.

Since these cultural expectations about sex have contributed to the performance anxiety, you’re going to need a new framework so you can explore and express your sexual desires together without going to the anxious place.

Rather than stress about whether you are achieving the “milestones” of erection/lubrication, intercourse and orgasm it changes everything if you limit your focus to the giving and receiving of pleasure. Pleasure is a sensory experience, denoted by sensations of deliciousness in taste; good feelings in the nerve endings that sense pleasurable touch; the sweetness of special smells; the experience of harmony or melodiousness in sounds; the perception of visual beauty.

Pleasure is what making love is about.

You don’t have to think about whether a particular sensation is pleasurable or not – you know it, in the bodily experience of a favorite food, sensual touch, a beloved song, an encounter with beauty. So it’s simply a matter of trusting your perceptions. If it feels good, it’s pleasurable. Our bodies are set up to perceive pleasure, with millions of specialized nerve endings devoted to this mission.

Making love consists primarily of giving and receiving pleasure – through word and gesture, through sound and sight and taste and touch. When you let go of the performance hurdles and deadlines and relax into playing together with pleasure, it is easy to relax into the moments which blur into timelessness.

But wait! What about orgasm/intercourse/getting off! I don’t want to miss anything!

Arousal, desire and direct sexual stimulation which may lead to the explosive pleasure of orgasm – all can be yours easily and directly, through this relaxed approach. Rather than straining to try to achieve orgasm, holding your breath and tensing all your muscles to try to make it happen, why not relax and allow your body to experience the natural progression of pleasure?

It takes practice to let go of a habitual anxious approach to sex. The desire for a quick fix is just another expression of performance anxiety, just another deadline you’re not going to make.

Optimal sexual experience occurs when partners care for each other, communicate about what they are doing together, and when they are relaxed. Relaxation is the foundation of healthy sex. Give yourself and your partner the gift of relaxing as you make love. Allow yourself to simply pay attention to and luxuriate in the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing, without attempting to go anywhere. Let delight wash over you; play with your partner, gently pleasuring him or her. Be curious and playful as you explore the erotic playground of your loving connection.

READ MORE Articles from David Yarian at Joy of Making Love

Pleasure Psychotherapy

I met a pleasure based psychotherapist recently. When Janov’s Primal Therapy came along I seem to recall that he said that a therapist was a dealer in pain. So is therapy about pleasure or pain and trauma?

Nobody would go to a therapist to talk about how happy they were or what a great childhood they had; but it is one of the more interesting questions in therapy the extent to which we have to go in to past pain and trauma to clear it out. In our culture we have the “no pain, no gain” school of development. A deeply Puritan culture like the British is very suspicious of happiness. I can lead straight in to the arms of The Devil. In most therapies, both humanistic and analytic happiness could well be covering something up; even a manic defence against deep sadness. Of course this can be true but it is also true that many defences, particularly somatic ones, tend to block access to all deep emotions; pain as well as joy.  This is simply because all strong emotions and body sensations are close together in their emotional anatomy and neurology. On a fairground roller-coaster the riders play with the edge between fear and excitement; screaming with fear as the car descends and then cuing up for another go! A father playing with a young child may throw them up in the air and catch them giving squeals of joy, excitement, fear overcome by return to safety. Deep sobbing and deep belly laughter are quite similar to observe from the outside. In the intense autonomic activation of orgasm, pleasure and crying can come together. Those in to BDSM are experts on the edge between pleasure and pain and how both can lead to altered states of consciousness.

Many therapies are very interested in trauma; particularly if that term is extended from single incident events such as an accident, or act of abuse or death of someone to include developmental trauma such as having a depressed mother when there would be many occasions when the required empathic attunement and care-giving weren’t there. In the past going into the pain was seen as the only way. Now with modern energy psychology methods such as AIT(www.aitherapy.org) that I practice this is known not to be necessary. Just naming the trauma and finding the location in the body is often enough to clear it.

So as we block pleasure and pain, when a client comes in for a session reporting that they feel good. Unless I am very suspicious of this, I will only want to move feeling good to feeling fantastic. There has been more attention recently to positive psychology and to the concept of Flow,  (from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi);  a state of being where we are not divided and distracted but fully engaged in life at that moment.

So while I will try as a therapist to stay fairly divided in my attention between pain and pleasure. I have a growing sense that working with pleasure and how to expand it and deepen it within our bodies and our neurology is a powerful way forward. This forms a large part of my book Tantric Psychotherapy that I am working on at the moment (see www.tantricpsychotherapy.com )

 

Martin is London based psychotherapist 

READ More from Martin HERE

BIO:

I have worked for nearly 30 years a psychotherapist and counsellor and supervisor. In private practice and in training courses, for a university and now for the police.