I once read an article where the author said: “Never sleep with someone you don’t want to be.” Such a profound statement. In Tantric teachings it is also taught that all the people with whom we make love to, leave a trace into our being.
It’s likely that many have noticed how they have experienced varying degrees of pleasure, different orgasms and excitement with different partners in their life. Why is it though that with one partner we experience really powerful orgasms while with another partner the orgasms are either weak or non-existent? Usually it is said that it’s not a good match physically. Physical compatibility is of course important, but there’s a lot more in play here.
All of us hold both feminine and masculine energy and for our whole lives we seek to keep these two energies in balance. We are attracted to the opposite sex because they have what we need. Women share their feminine energy with men and men share their masculine energy with women. Those on the spiritual path aspire to the same experience through various practices like yoga, meditation, etc. We all subconsciously seek for it. Whenever we spend time with or have sex with the opposite gender the energies get balanced for a moment. The moment we experience an orgasm is the moment when masculine and feminine energies in our being are balanced – the plus and the minus have become zero. And this zero-point is different with different partners.
Our inner masculine
Let’s take a closer look at this process. As a woman my feminine side is more active and my masculine side is asleep, so to say. To awaken the masculine energy that lies dormant in me I need a man. Not every man though can awaken the masculine energy in me. The masculine in me is of a certain type – tantric teachings describe that he is the whole of our past lives that we lived as men and affected by men with whom we’ve had close relations with in this life. This means that my inner male has certain features and an appearance. To connect with my inner male it’s enough for me to look at what kind of men I’m attracted to – those who best match my inner male also awaken him the most in me.
Suppose there are two men: Marc and Dave. Marc awakens my inner man 50% and Dave 90%. We don’t experience powerful orgasms with Marc, but with Dave the sex is simply glorious. This means that Dave is very similar to my inner male. This shows for example that if I attract so called bad boys, my inner male also carries a similar energy. So if I’m more with the so-called good guys, my inner male is good as well. This means, that if we wish to attract a different type of a partner, we need to consciously work with changing our inner male.
The inner male can be changed through spiritual practices. For example if I purify my being, then my inner male gets purified with it. Or we can change our inner male by knowingly starting to spend time with the types of men we want to be like. This can be problematic at first as these types of men might not seem very attractive initially. This is why this needs to be a very conscious decision. If we consistently spend more time with good guys, then soon they won’t appear as boring, because our inner male has started to change. You don’t always need to have intercourse with these people; even spending time as friends is enough for our inner male to start picking up features from them. One moment you might notice that your taste in men has changed completely.
Exactly the same description of the process goes for men and their inner females. And naturally our inner male or female is similar to our father or mother, as people with whom we’ve spent a lot of time together. Oftentimes men seek for a woman similar to their mother as women seek for men similar to their father.
Women are receptive
There’s another important topic here that is good for women to know. When we live with certain types of men, our own being starts become like them – due to a simple principle that women receive and men give. This goes much deeper though. One of the re-occurring topics of relationships is women’s emotionality. It is as if men don’t have any emotions at all, they are peaceful and stable, while women have a constant storm of emotions. Both partners play an important role in all relationship situations. Women are by nature more sensitive and also more receptive. Many women have surely noticed how they are calm and balanced when living alone. Then they meet a man, spend some time together and suddenly it’s as if she’s another woman. How so? There is of course personal development in relationships and we push each other’s buttons, but there is more to this.
Men who have been taught to suppress their feelings since young have learned other ways to unload their emotions and one of those ways is sex. So where will they unload their emotions during sex? Into the woman of course, who energetically receives the man’s storm of emotions and stores it in her. The man feels relief while the woman can’t keep the storm inside her as it would damage the woman. The woman ends up expressing the man’s emotional storm and gets blamed for it.
Women who don’t express their emotions though, might get health problems. Cervical cancer is one example. This is the second most common cause of death for women after breast cancer, while there are only 30-40 cases per a large state of men dying due to penile cancer.
In an energetical level men release their stress into women, thus grounding themselves with sex, and women in their receptivity take it in. Our cervix is very receptive and delicate as our center of our femininity. This makes it important to check with whom to have intercourse with, what the underlying energy-exchange might be like and what will we be taking into our being. If it seems that the man uses sex only to discharge themselves, then a smart woman would decline of such sex.
Sexual intercourse is for balancing each other – where a woman gives tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity to the man and the man on his part offers balance, grounding and inner direction to the woman. Sexual energy should be used consciously for strengthening the relationship bond and creating more love energy. This is one of the differenciating characteristics of a tantric couple when compared to a so-called regular relationship – the tantric couple is conscious in both their relationship and their sexuality.
Sexual slackness is rather common in our society and has little to do with being conscious. When partners cheat on each other in a relationship, then even if they don’t understand it, they’ll be bringing energy from other people into their relationship. By having affairs, one collects other people’s energetic baggage and this ends up affecting their everyone and the relationship.
Successful businessman and author Jim Rohn has said: „You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Next time you’re about to have intercourse with someone ask yourself: would I want to be this person? Do I respect them or not? Do the qualities they carry in themselves make me a better person? How well do I even know this person?
–Tantric Therapy, Katrin
Kendal’s Notes on This Article
When a friend shared this article with me, I knew it was something I had to pass along to everyone. Tantric Practitioner, Katrin hits the nail on the head in this blog post.
I could do a workshop just on this concept it is so powerful and the true understanding goes into the spiritual and quantum physical realms. It is an ancient concept and one that I personally have prescribed to since I started my own healing work on myself many years ago in the land of sexuality.
Quick story: There is a man, he might even be reading this newsletter right now…lol – This man from the first time I met him rocked my sexual energy world. My body ignited from looking at him, from the smell of his scent, from his kiss and when he spoke with that Mathew McConaughey voice my knees quaked and my pussy got wetter. Our talks were always good, we laughed and enjoyed so many things in common. I spent almost 5 years trying to make the relationship work. I wanted truly nothing other than his friendship and some hot sex, which one would assume would be a slam dunk when the turn on is so high as it is and was with this man. However, the problem was that every time we went there I literally could not feel him and then the after math of our sexing was that I would become extremely hormonal, angry, depressed and even physically sick. My body would ache. I felt like a used old shoe that had been kicked under the bed to be forgotten. I felt like I was just that a “fuck” and not even a fuck buddy, but just some place for him to jack off into. I felt like a container for his stress and all the negativity and chaos he had going on in his life would just cast a nasty shadow on me for a few weeks after.
Why was this?
Because women are receptive. And because in all actuality I was nothing more than this for him, my heart and soul knew from the first time we had sex and my body tried to warn me, but my stubbornness persisted and I kept trying to fix what was never meant to be.
Try explaining that to someone when your breaking up….
Another quick tale: I was married for 17 years to the same man. Him and I had 5 children together, worked on building a business together, did the whole through tough times, sickness and health thing. We stuck it out the best we could in the face of everything that we created and tried running from. Around year 11 or 12 of our marriage things became really toxic. We had had issues in the past but we were now really lost at sea and it appeared that I had developed a case of some really bad depression, even bi-polarness and everyone told me that I needed medicine. I would fly off the handle at seemingly little things, I did not want anything to do with sex and then I was a raging horn dog, I would develop yeast infections, bladder infections, kidney infections, sinus infections and had migraines. I was constantly tired, over weight, and hated life. I was sad all the time and could not find the light at the end of any tunnel because there was no tunnel, the darkness had just consumed me. I did some really crazy ass shit in this 3 year time frame. I burned my wedding dress and ring, I axed our garage refrigerator, I got mad so took it out on a toilet and almost lost my finger, I karate chopped the Christmas tree with all the ornaments on it. I stripped and dared the cops to come get me as I walked sown the street. And I woke up everyday wishing I had not woke up. I was lost in misery.
Today, most people who know me would have a tough time believing I could ever do that. Looking back I can hardly believe that I did that stuff, because it is not inside me at all to act like that. So what was the cause of my chaos, depression and bi-polarness?
It’s what I was being down loaded with in my sex life from mu husband. Not blaming him here, for we both had no clue. But looking back, my body was begging me to stop infecting it with this chaos. It rebelled by giving me yeast infections, bladder infections and other chronic issues. It was trying to protect me. But I did my wifely duty and had sex.
Today, I lead a calm, turned on life. My ex- husband, still living in the chaos, depression and bi-polarness. He is still confused and lost .
Today I look at the men I choose to share myself with and they all are of higher vibrations, they are determined, driven, clear, smooth energy men. They love playfulness, the adore learning, they avoid chaos and drama, they maintain their emotions and work on themselves before pointing the finger outward. They are extraordinary gentlemen and they download into me with our sexing and orgasms a life that I want to live, a life that is full, harmonious and on purpose.
So, yes we DO become like the people we have sex with. So be cautious as to who you are regularly enjoying intimate moments with, because there is no other place like the bedroom where association means so much.
Is group sex really as taboo as it seems?
Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….
Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.
In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”
Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”
She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.
But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.
Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”
She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”
“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”
An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)
Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.
Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”
So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.
Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”
Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.
Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”
Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”
It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.
Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”
That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.
If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.”
6 months have passed…
Every part of my mind, body and soul are being awakened and guided to new places that I thought were reserved for only a few fortunate ones.
Kendal Williams wrapped her love and knowing around me one cold dark winter evening as I sat in a coffee shop across from her and poured out my tired and broken story. Through tears, I saw her gentle, knowing smile and heard TRUTH for the first time in my life.
Kendal has a style of coaching that is honest and direct, with constant support, through the lovely as well as the ugly. She listens, explains, shares, guides and directs with uncanny intuition and a wealth of resources.
The very next day, as promised, I received an email with a list of all we discussing, complete with easy-to-follow links for every article, person, website, and resource! My journey now includes work with her partner, Scott/Authentic Living as well as her daughter with Photography in Wonderland.
6 months have passed….and I am a new goddess
~who enjoys feeling and seeing my own body
~who asks for what I want
~who holds sensation without disconnection
~who can breathe energy into any part of my being
~who is learning to love without boundaries
~who loves self first
~who is expanding sexuality
~ who is committed to this work of transforming
I have open mind, body & soul for the next steps in my life journey with Kendal & Company as my guide.
— Laura N. Dallas, Texas (Orgasm Coaching for Women Client 2015)
This musing is intended for all the lovely women of the world but I am certain that many men out there will read this and for you incredible gentlemen who do please know that I would greatly appreciate your help if it crosses your heart to share this musing with the woman or women in your life. The power of this information is a must in our day and age and for human relationship in general.
For you lovely ladies, you are GODDESSES. Can you feel that divine beauty and power inside yourself or has the world of today so focused on the masculine style of living and doing masked you from your true grace and power? Let me ask you ladies this:
Are You A Woman Who Feels Stress/Tension/Blockages In Your Vagina or Core?
Let’s face it every day life is full of stress. If you are a mother like I am it can seem some days that you are lucky to get your teeth brushed let alone anything else. Add in the stress that many have of relationships that are troubled, financial concerns and pressures, career and any past trauma that may arise at any given moment it is amazing that we can focus on much of anything with out constant emotional or physical upheaval. All of these things when not properly processed in the mental/physical/emotional bodies can all lead to tension and blockages in our vagina’s and at our core. It is extremely important to cleanse, rejuvenate & reactivate positive healing energy to these zones of discord. But How can we do this on a daily basis in a comfortable, easy to manage way?
Are You One Of Many Women Who Want To Come Back into and/or Unleash Their Sensuality And Femininity
Today’s world finds us in a time of transition. We have so many men and women who are feeling lost and long deeply for real, authentic connection, yet do not know how to achieve this. Women have been programmed to believe that living in a masculine, focused, driving and striving for material success form is the way to be. This form of being has created a world of women who are more masculine then feminine. It has created a world where we women feel that being feminine means being overly emotional, unstable and powerless. It has created the idea that the only way to true success and value in life is to act in the energy of what men do instead of allowing ourselves the power of our hearts to create, dance, love and be women.
Sensuality is almost a lost art for many women. Many of us have become technical in our loving and sexing skills and are afraid to let our divine sensual nature out. Yet it is this nature that is our TRUE power!But how do we allow ourselves to be feminine, soft, emotional, sensual, trusting and do I dare even say it VULNERABLE in this day and age without losing ourselves to a man who wants to control or a world that says that we cannot or should not be this way?
Are You A Woman Who Feels Numbness/Tension or Stiffness In And Around Your Genitals
I personally spent years with this issue. I pushed myself to have painful sex with my partner even when I knew I would be in pain for the next week from it. I tried to ignore the constant onset of vaginal discomfort, dryness and even yeast infections because I had tried everything I could to heal these issues with no luck. And what I discovered was that every part of my body (just like yours) corresponds to my emotional and spiritual state of being. I discovered that all the creams, medical treatments and the ignoring of patterns only added on to my problems and were not real cures to what was actually happening at a much deeper level then my physical body. I had to do something out of my box of comfort to once and for all heal my body or I was destined to live in a state of misery. So what did I do and is it something that any woman in any state of being can duplicate for herself to heal as well? Is it something that can be achieved quickly, easily and naturally?
Are You Woman Who Feels Guilt/Shame/Fear Or Has Experienced Trauma In Your Life
Many women have stored negative and/or fearful emotions or trauma within their vagina yet traditional western medicine and styles of living DO NOT want to approach this topic. The biggest issue with the way many of us have been raised is that we have these stored experiences without knowing or realizing it, matter a fact we do not even want to accept it because it means dealing with our girly parts and that is just not acceptable. After all they are dirty, forbidden and only really for procreation. We certainly do not openly get education or training on how to heal them naturally or admit that there may be something wrong that we need help with. Yet we can accept without any issue at all that we get tension headaches, or feel stress in our backs, necks and shoulders. We understand that getting an ill feeling in our gut is a sign that perhaps something is not right, but how can our vagina’s have this inner knowing and voice too? And do they really store negative energy and emotions like all our other body parts? The result of ignoring this is a tense, sore, non or infrequently orgasmic vagina. So how can we heal this?
Are You A Woman Who Has Had Children and Wants to Restore Your Vaginal Health & Strength
Anyone who has had a child or children knows that it takes some time to recover from delivery. Even if you had a C-section your womb needs time to heal and restore itself back to a pre-delivery/pregnancy state. In general with daily maintenance it takes at least 9 month to 18months to fully heal from the birth of a baby. Often, during this time many women have a tough time doing daily vaginal exercises and do not fully understand the importance of them anyway, leaving them years later with weak bladders, weak vaginal walls, PC muscles, painful cervix’s and weak to no orgasms along with many other issues such a out whack pH levels, imbalanced hormones and what is known of as the mummy tummy. So how can you prevent and/or even reverse these issues and more without surgery or major challenges?
Are You One Of The Many Women Who Want To Experience Better, Painless and More Frequent Orgasms
Hard to orgasm even with a vibrator or is with a vibrator the ONLY way you can? Lack of interest in sex? You just cannot produce the lubrication that you use too so sex is painful? You wish you could feel your partner more but you just feel dead down there? These are all issues that I personally have experienced and I know through the coaching of hundreds of women that they are common as well. So are there treatments outside of pills, man-made lubricants that don’t really work and cause the delicate pH levels of the vagina to become out of balance as well, or other pharmaceutical treatments that can REALLY help in healing and curing these issues as well as stimulate better orgasms even G-spot orgasms?
Are You A Woman Who Wants To Heal Their Mind, Body & Soul Holistically
Through ancient Chines/Taoist and Tantric practices you can experience a fully healed, charged and orgasmic state of being in ALL areas of your life. By opening up to cleansing and removing the blockages of your vagina through a few self-practice treatments done daily or weekly at home you can have the life that you have always wanted. Restoring vaginal health, strength and well being. You can harmonize your emotions and hormones. You can discover better orgasms. You can heal vaginal health issues without drugs. Reduce PMS symptoms as well as menopause.
Yes you have the opportunity to learn these 5000 year old secrets of high priestesses, queens, sexually liberated women from deep in the heart of time that WILL for certain change your life and allow you to lead a liberated, shame free, powerful, orgasmic state of being.
So the ONLY question now is: Are You Ready To Heal and Say YES to YOURSELF?
If you answer yes then please note that there are two ways for you to learn these secrets and more for your vaginal health and strength. 1) Private Coaching with Kendal 2) The Power of Vaginal Weight Lifting and Other Sexual Secrets Workshop Email me direct to find out if a class in session soon and more about 1+1 Coaching. email@example.com
The mysterious land of sex and relationship coaching does not have to elude you anymore, matter a fact you may be surprised at just how beneficial this service can be in your own love life.
As a practitioner of Tantra, a real life sex educator (basically this means I pull NO punches on the facts and am a realist) and the mother of six children, I have experienced my fair share of interesting events in the sex and relationship world and that is not even taking into account the time frame I spent dating 10 gentlemen all in unison or the 17 year marriage that I had the pleasure of learning from. All providing me with an authentic, loving eye to the BIG world of sex and relationship and how taboo it is for us as a society to speak of these intimate and empowering or dis-empowering moments in our lives. I have come to see how hard it can be for many single’ and couple’s to open up to a therapist or teacher and even how much more courage it takes to become vulnerable with their lover(s) and self. Below are 10 things that you may have not known about sex therapy/coaching/educating that will help you to evaluate the practice as the healing modality that it is, hopefully releasing some of the preconceived notions and taboo’s of it as well.
So what do sex coaches do (or don’t do), what issues can they help solve, what happens inside their office or sacred space (even a coffee shop)?
1. Your Sexual Confidence Overflow’s Into Your Daily Life – Sex Coaching Can Help Empower You in Both
I hear a lot of the time from people that they don’t need sex coaching because they have a good sex life, no hangups or trauma but what they do need is a life coach or a coach that will help them with an issue that has nothing to do with the bedroom. One of the biggest issues that we have in society today is our need to compartmentalize everything, not embracing the fact that everything is interconnected.
“What people don’t expect from sex therapy is how strong, confident and assertive they become in every area of their lives,” says Marne Wine, a licensed professional counselor and AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) certified sex therapist in Westminster, Colorado. “Sex therapy is just life playing itself out in the bedroom. Are you willing to be OK with yourself because you don’t know everything or have all the answers? Are you willing to put yourself out there and risk ridicule and failure? Once you learn to do that in the bedroom—naked—you can do it anywhere.”
When you are feeling connected and are able to receive as well as give properly, in love and sexually, you feel like you can do anything. Our fulfillment in our intimate relationships, both emotionally and sexually transfer out into all other areas of our lives. Our intimate relationship are a reflection and a stage on which we can choreograph our full life expression: weather that is showing up in our love life, our work life, with our purpose, our children, friends or in our health. When things are not aligned and harmonious in your sexual relationship(s), it drags all the other parts of your life down with it.
2. Being Naked With Your Sex Coach Does Not Involve Nudity
Through the years what I have found to be one of the biggest hurdle’s for people to get over is their own predetermined thoughts of what they “think” sex therapy or coaching even Tantric work is. Most of the time, clients are either one of two things: fearful that the therapy/coaching might involve physically intimate situations or hopeful that they will. To set the standard straight, traditional sex therapy/coaching (talk therapy) is just that, talk therapy and DOES NOT entail any sort of physical nudity. When coaches refer to being naked in this sense they are speaking of the emotional/physiological vulnerability of be naked, letting down your guards and fulling being authentic with your coach.
When you move into the world of Tantric practices and teaching you do open up the gateways of more vulnerability and nudity. Often Tantric work is a pseudo label for bodywork that deals with the genitals. This sort of ancient practice is along the same belief systems as acupressure, acupuncture, reiki, and massage. For centuries it has been known that the human body stores stress, trauma, and even memories in the cellular tissue of our muscles yet in modern times we are told that it is wrong to treat the genital areas of men and women as though we would treat their backs, necks, legs or feet. Tantra teaches that we must heal the entire body and not ignore or separate one aspect of ourselves from another but instead embrace and heal all parts in order to unite them and restore harmony to the whole-being. This being said, each Tantric Coach is an individual and practices are as unique as the teachers themselves. It is best before stepping foot down the Tantric path to fully explore what the style of the teacher is that you are pursuing and make certain that you are comfortable and in alignment with how they practice.
There are other types of people who work in the sex therapy world as well, such as sex surrogates, but there are very few legal certified surrogates in the United States at this point.
3. Authenticity and Healing the Sexual Self is Taboo, but NOT in Your Coaches Presence
I have worked with individuals and couple’s alike who face their shadow’s on a daily routine in my care. Everything from repressed memories, sexual hangups and fantasies or issues of abuse that frightens them to talk about, there is truly no subject too taboo for a sex therapist/coach. We have heard it all and many of us have been through our own shadow lands and know how hard and painful these things can be to vocalize. The truth in the therapy is that when you become vulnerable enough and find the courage to lay it all out on the table to your coach or therapist; you have finally stepped into releasing the shame, trauma and suffering in the victim-hood and have made way for empowerment and healing.
Often I hear from my coaching clients, “I feel so comfortable with you. I don’t normally share like this and especially about these sort of things.” This safe container that is made between the client and the coach is there because we sex coaches and therapists have experienced ourselves and with our clients so much that we have learned the valuable lesson of holding space free from judgement and criticism. It is in everyone’s best interest that the container be safe and full of unconditional love.
4. Finding the Right Sex Coach/Therapist or Tantra Teacher Is The Foundation Of Your Healing
Are you considering a sex therapist because they have a license? Are you wanting a sex coach because they have a certification from some institution or center somewhere? Are you wanting a Tantra teacher that claims to be trained by such and such leading tantra school?
Certifications, licenses, and other formal schooling are all powerful resources and I believe that they do help in the client healing process. But they are not the foundation of what makes a good healer, coach, therapist or educator. A truly good coach will be one who has the moral standards that align with what their clients needs and desires are. They are individuals who know that they do not hold all the answers but know how to hold the space needed for their clients to discover the right answers for themselves. They speak not just from the formal education and intellectual understanding that they have gained through their certifications but also from their life experiences and personal healing journey.
To ensure that you are with the right coach/teacher/therapist for you:
- Explore your coaches background.
- Get testimonies and references.
- Meet your coach/therapist for a consult in person prior to any therapy work.
- If your practitioner does any group events/talks/seminars, attend at least one prior to working one on one with them so that you can get a feel for how they relate to people and what people think of them.
- Get your questions and concerns answered and BE direct in what you are wanting or not wanting in your experience.
- And if, after the first appointment, you don’t feel comfortable with the coach/therapist, find another one—or ask for a referral. A good coach will keep your best interests at heart—not there ego.
5. Sex and Relationship Coaching is Not Just For Crappy Lovers or Traumatized Individuals
But we already have a GREAT sex life and deep intimacy, so what can you do for us?
“Most people believe that something has to be broken, or that they do, in order to seek sex therapy. What I do is more about sexual and emotional enhancement, making things better, than it is about Slot A and Prong B. The most frequent therapeutic outcome of any sex therapy is the relief that comes with being able to talk about sexual feelings, thoughts and fantasies, just putting them out there to be examined.” according to Isadora Alman, a marriage and family therapist, and a board-certified sexologist in San Francisco and I would have to agree with her 100%. Many of the couple’s that I have worked with have come to me to have support and learn new skills in their sex and emotional relating with their partner, others have come in hopes of healing an issue or misunderstanding even a desire for saving their relationship, but I would say about 40% of my couple’s clients are coming to me for enhancement not fixing. These couple’s want to go deeper in their already dynamic relationships. They want to feel more, love more and they want to explore their partners hearts, souls and bodies with more passion, understanding and empathy.
6. Your Marriage May Not Be Lost After All
Sex is the backbone to the marriage or intimate relationship(s). When we loose respect, connection, empathy and desire for our partners during our sexing it takes a major toll on our whole relationship. When a couple is having troubles with their sex life, a traditional marriage counselor might say, ‘You need to make time for you two to connect’ when it’s way more than just connecting for sex. If desire is no longer on the table and trust has been broken in the relationship or one party has experienced something traumatic or the couple is just feeling blah toward each other any false forced attempt to revive the sex or relationship will just fall prey to the wolves of the issues that are there already or possible even cause further damage.
This sort of advice often leaves couple’s wanting more or feeling misunderstood and lost. A sex coach or therapist can exceed the normal harnesses of coaching and therapy that a traditional coach has to abide by providing the clients with an ‘outside of the box’ approach to possibly heal their relationship issues and their marriage.
Instead of waiting till you have tried all other paths of healing and therapy to save your relationship look at sex coaching or therapy work among your first and get the advice you really desire.
7. Sexual Positions to Physical Dysfunctions and More Can Be Solved
In my many years of practice I have worked with many issues from men with broken penises (literally broken from rough sex) who no longer knew how to properly penetrate their lover to women who with no ability to orgasm and couple’s who wanted to swing but keep one party monogamous at the same time. These issues as well as to low or high libido, sexual difficulties and dysfunctions, sexual issues from cancer treatment and surgical procedures, ED, premature ejaculation, inability to orgasm (men and women alike), intimacy issues, dating issues, rape and abuse victims, virgins, couple’s who have not had sex for months or even years, kink fetishes and other adventurers as well as so many more. And then there are the one’s who just want to learn a new skill or position. 🙂 Yes, what can sex coaching help you with? I don’t know, but if your alive it most likely can assist you in living a better one.
8. Communication Equals Intimacy and Better Life Skills
Sex coaching is NOT all about sex acts and functions. Many of the people who come into sex coaching walk away with an improved ability to communicate and learn how to respect themselves and others through authentic communication skills taught in a session. So if you are fearful of confrontation or want to dive right into the fires, sex coaching can help you learn loving communication that can share your desires, needs and boundaries as well as skills of how to empathetically listen to everyone in your life not just the one you sleep with.
Ask yourself this: Was my last verbal exchange something like this, “Bring me the remote” or “Grab those bags of groceries for me, hun.” Remember that the keys to a gourmet relationship and sexing start with gourmet communication.
9. Back To School You Go
Most people believe that they know all they need to know about their bodies parts and their lovers bodies parts but in reality most people have not a clue what is between their legs or how to treat it, let alone their lovers. Science is in the beginning stages of unearthing the mystery of the clitoris and the research on that one small piece of a woman’s body is just a little over 15 years of study so far.
I do art therapy classes, both group and individual with many of my clients to help them reconnect to their sexual selves. In these classes we explore sensations and draw or paint how we may need to express them during a class. In other instances I work with clients and have them take a mirror into a bathroom or private spot and look at themselves. One of my softer approaches is to use stand alone models of these parts of the body and teach what each area is as I discuss deeper issues with a client.
In my practice as a sex coach I offer what I call Show N’ Tell Sex Ed Classes to people where they get hard core education blended with live model demonstrations. The value of knowing your body and being comfortable in it is one of the most important steps to regaining confidence and releasing trauma as well as stepping back into an intimate relationship.
10. Brings Back The Honeymoon Phase
There is nothing like a first kiss or first glance and especially nothing like the first time you have sex with a new lover that is floating your boat, but over time the NRE (New Relationship Energy) fades and we take our partners and relationship, including the sex for granted. We stop courting each other and slowly the desire leaves or is masked bythe day to day grind of life. Well, sex coaching can help with all of that! Sex coaching can help couple’s reignite those flames and make room for snuggling and making out, getting frisky in the car and even planning out sex dates. Sex coaching can help couple’s go from friendly pecks call a kiss to passionate first date kissing.
When you enter into a coaching therapy with a practitioner you must be prepared to invest time and energy into yourself in all ways. As you can see, sex coaching takes into account lot’s of things not just sex. Often one of the issues experienced is a lack of commitment from the client. Coaches (no matter the field) are here to help YOU, the client find your own way to healing, NOT give you all the answers. There are no set guidelines or times that can be stated for your transformation or healing to occur. There are no guarantee’s that you will be healed or that your assumed expectations will come about. What is for sure is that anyone who truly wants the guidance, support and education can have it but must be willing to expect homework, which might include writing exercises, communication exercises, intimacy and, of course, sex. And must be willing to step out of the box that has been holding them back for all this time.
*Some quotes found on google from glamour.com articles
“When the library of yourselves was torn from the shelves and scattered, and the DNA was split so that there were only two strands left with very little data and very little memory, sexuality was left intact in the physical body. It was left as a form of reproduction, of course—as a form for the species to stay in touch with its own essence and bring itself into life. Very deep inside the mechanism of sexuality is a frequency that can be attained that has been sought after and misunderstood by many people. It is called orgasm. The orgasm has been distorted from its original purpose. Your body has forgotten the cosmic orgasm of which it is capable because society has taught you for thousands and thousands of years that sexuality is bad. You have been taught this in order for you to be controlled and to keep you from seeking the freedom available through sexuality. Sexuality connects you with a frequency of ecstasy, which connects you back to your divine source and to information. Sexuality has been given a bad name upon this planet, and that bad name is stored in your cellular memory. This is not just from this lifetime; it is from thousands of years of misappropriation and misuse. It is necessary for you to clear the negativity surrounding sexuality from this lifetime, as well as to experience and examine how you utilize sexual energy and sexual expression in your multidimensional selves. The sexual parts of the body are avenues to pleasure that create frequencies that heal and stimulate the body and potentially lead it to its higher spiritual self. Sexuality is so misunderstood on this planet that, when it is exchanged between two persons, very seldom is there an intent to connect spirituality with it. Sexuality invokes a spirituality that is free and that looks at itself as a creator. However, very seldom is sexuality used as a bridge to take you to higher levels of consciousness.
We have spoken with a number of individuals who have been utilizing light. Since finding the proper partner in a monogamous situation, they have been able to achieve very high states of being. Monogamy tends to work for most of you very well because of where you are vibrationally. When you have many partners, you tend to be less than honest and to hide who you are: you share a little here, there, and everywhere in scattering your seed. It is best to be with one person, but this does not mean the same person forever. Be loyal, be open, and be sharing with the person you are working with, and go as far as you can with them. If it happens to be your whole life, wonderful. If it doesn’t, then when you come to a place where you are no longer communicating and serving one another, and you feel the relationship is not going to be able to make a leap, terminate the relationship and find another person who works with your vibration.
When you work one-on-one intimately, you develop trust. Most of you have difficulty trusting yourselves because you don’t have a role model for trust. You can learn about trust in a relationship because a relationship acts as a mirror for you, showing you what you cannot see from your own viewpoint. It shows you yourself outside of yourself when you have open communication within sexuality and deep intimacy, and when you are not using sexuality as a distraction for getting close. Many of you have used sexuality as a distraction and a way to avoid intimacy rather than to develop it. You begin to get energetic and to look into one another’s eyes and to feel all hot and excited. Then, instead of exploring each other intimately and spiritually, you shut down your feeling centers, put on your armor, and have shallow, genital sex because it is too frightening and too intense to go the deeper route of full body and full spiritual connection. Sometimes hot sex feels great and is wonderful. We are simply saying that there is more. There is much more, and no one is keeping it from you except yourselves and the beliefs and fear you have of letting down your boundaries and walls. Many of the fears you have are based on what you have created for yourselves and what you have done to others in your sexual life. Your sexual history affects every other portion of your soul, so all of your soul’s issues are broadcast loud and clear throughout your body. You don’t want to look at this sometimes because it is too painful, and you judge it because you think it is bad. Stop judging, and get neutral about what you have done—no matter what you discover, no matter how heinous it seems, no matter how difficult it seems, and no matter how much violation it involves. Understand that your purpose has been to gather data and to understand your selves. Sexuality is a frequency. It represents what was not taken away from you even though your history, your memories, and your identity were removed and scattered. The way you were left intact with the ability to discover who you were was through the sexual experience. Of course, you were never taught this. We are going to do some church bashing here. So sorry for anyone who is a member of the churches. The churches came about as organizations—businesses to control religion and spiritual development and to create jobs, to create a hierarchy, and to create a club. Very few churches came about with the idea of bringing information to people. You don’t usually think of religion as something that keeps you informed, do you? Any religion that brings information is a religion operating on the vibration of truth. Spiritual realms are places of existence that the human body is locked away from. Because sexuality was an opportunity for human beings to regain their memory, or to connect with their spiritual selves and spiritual creator, or to find an avenue to the spiritual realm that you are sealed off from, the churches came about and promoted sexuality for procreation. They taught you that the only reason you had sexuality was to produce little humans. Sexuality was promoted as something very bad. Women were told that sexuality was something they had to undergo to serve men and that they had no control over the birthing process. Women believed this; hence, to this day, you believe in general that you have no control over that portion of your body. You must realize that only you decide whether you are going to birth a child or not. This is not such a complicated thing as you have been told. Decision and intention are what bring the experience to your being. You can control whether you have a baby or not. If woman had had this ability for the last several thousand years, and if she had been able to explore her sexual self without fear of having a child, perhaps men and women would have discovered that they were much freer than they had been told they were. The discovery of the highest frequency of sexuality arises from the love experience. It has nothing to do with relationships being either homosexual or heterosexual. It has to do with two human beings bringing pleasure to one another in a way that opens frequencies of consciousness. You have bought many ideas about what is proper and what is improper within sexual expression.
Love is the essence that is to be created in all relationships. If you love and honor someone, it doesn’t matter what your composition of density is. What matters is the love vibration and how you explore this love, which ideally is gifted and coupled with the integration of the male and the female counterparts that make the twin flame.
Ideally, sexuality is explored through feelings. The third and fourth chakras connect you to the emotional and compassionate selves, which connect you to the spiritual self. The spiritual self is the part of yourself that is multidimensional through which you exist in many forms simultaneously. It is your assignment and agreement and task to be aware of all these realities in the identity that you are. When you are aware, you can tune into the different frequencies, remember who you are, and change the vibratory rate of this universe. We love to talk about sexuality because it is so mysterious upon this planet. Certain mystery schools have held some of the knowledge about the potential uses of sexuality in secrecy. You are electromagnetic creatures, and when you come together physically with another human creature, you bond your electromagnetic frequencies together. When your frequencies are attuned and joined by a love frequency, incredible things can occur. Thousands of years ago, when society had more of a matriarchal view in certain areas of the planet, Goddess energy was coming through and working with certain individuals. The female understood her power, her intuition, her feeling center, her connection, and her desire to create life. She also understood that she never had to conceive a child if it was not her intention to do so.
In order for the patriarchal society to come full circle and prepare Earth for this shift in consciousness, female energy needed to take a back seat. So female power, energy, and understanding of sexuality were suppressed. In modern times—the past two thousand years—it came to be upon the planet that women believed they had no control over when they could have children, that sexuality was deemed bad and disgusting, and that sex was taught to be performed only within the rights of marriages and so on. All of this was a marketing program.
Some of the present-day marketing programs to create an even greater fear of sexuality and its expression are the new diseases: AIDS, herpes, and all the other things. You read about these things in your newspapers and become frightened of your own expression, frightened of your own intuition, and frightened of your own joy. Do you understand? Before DNA was rearranged, the way many people reached the higher realms and were able to climb the ladders of themselves and reach into off-planet frequencies was by electromagnetically bonding through love. They created a rocketship-like experience to propel them out into other systems of reality. This has been one of the best-kept secrets upon the planet. Many we have spoken to have had absolutely profound experiences with their sexuality. We would like to point out again that we are not making distinctions or judgments about who you happen to bond with in a relationship, and we suggest that you give up that judgment as well. It is old programming. It does not matter whether you bond with a member of the opposite sex or a member of your own sex. We are talking about two humans coming together by physically joining themselves in whatever ways are appropriate for them to join and create love, because they are sharing love. When integrity and love are missing from a joining of human bodies, that is when human beings do not think well of their experience. This can create all kinds of damaging results within the physical body. You were left with the frequency of the orgasmic experience in sexuality so that you could remember your higher identity. When this energy or history of yourself is revealed and you discover who you are, you will unite many bodies of your personal multidimensional identity in your physical form. To receive the full impact of the gridwork of your identity, let the twelve helixes fit in your body and allow the light-encoded filaments to rearrange themselves. This process has to do with the mental body, which is of course connected to the physical body. The emotional body, which is connected to the spiritual body, is the body that everybody wants to skip. You say, “I want to evolve. I want a rapid acceleration, but I do not want to go through the feeling center to do it.” You are connected to your multidimensional selves through your feelings, and it is in your feelings that you primarily get stuck. Accept that your “stuff” comes up for a reason. Many of you would like to bury your “stuff” and throw it out in the trash as if it is something ugly and not who you are. This “stuff” is the shadow portion of your identity that you don’t like to deal with or accept. We understand that sometimes, when something comes up, you label it and say, “I hate this part of myself. I want to just finish it and sweep it under the rug and forget it. I’m finished with this stuff.” Guess what. Your “stuff”—your issues—are the treasures of your life. They are how you learn. You have agreed to mutate, to pull light into your body, and to birth the family of light on this planet. Since light is information, you must deal with all of the things you have hidden from yourself. Sexuality is the primary issue because it is the secret self—the self you hide from. Society has said to you, “This is good. This is bad. You are to do this. You are not to do this.” Who gave you these laws? Who gave you any of your laws to begin with? You have been stuck because you can’t read the symbols of the language you are speaking to yourselves. So you dwell upon it. Many of you love your stories because they get you attention. If you didn’t have a story, who would talk to you? Observe your body and see what it is teaching the self. Ideally, you will heal the sore and create a place of greater comfort and joy as you learn to dwell more completely in your physical body and have a new identity of your sexuality.
Sexuality is a key. It is a doorway to the higher realms of consciousness. As you redefine yourselves, and the light-encoded filaments give you a new definition of yourselves, you are going to change who you are sexually as well. Sexuality must come up for all of you, and, we will say from experience, it is the area that you are most frightened of at this time. We guarantee there will be more frightening areas later. If you are stuck on the idea of love and cannot comprehend what is going on with it, your difficulty is that you are looking for love outside yourself. You are looking for somebody else to put meaning in your life and validate you. If you do not have that person, you become angry or feel you are worthless. This is a pattern you grew up with, which your parents and your society showed you. We have said over and over again that the most important thing you can do is love yourself and honor Earth. But you keep forgetting this and looking for the next relationship to make you whole or complete. You feel that without a relationship you are perhaps less than an acceptable citizen. Then you feel lonely. You must learn how to be alone. Loneliness is simply a state of mind. You are never, never alone. You have multitudes of entities around you. If you would stop feeling sorry for yourselves, you would find that there is so much data constantly being blasted at you that you may want to be alone so you can have a good time receiving the contact. When you love yourself and stop getting convoluted about the need to have someone else love you, you are able to accept what someone offers. It is imperative that you value yourself so that you do not settle for a love disguised. If you decide to go for a partner or to vibrate with someone, and you do not receive what you want, do not whine or nag or pout about the person to make them change according to your needs. If you set a value for yourself and do not create it, then simply change your reality and continue onward alone until you meet someone who reflects your value. All the while, vibrate in the love of the self, honor the self, and understand that the journey here is about self discovery in relationship to others. It is not just about husbands or wives. The journey here is about honoring your physical body and the uniqueness of the self as you touch the lives of many. Always allow yourself to work with the self and let the self evolve. You are all afraid of being intimate with yourselves—of being alone with the self. Once you develop an intimacy, a silence, a self-love, and a containment of your energy, then you will want to make that aspect of intimacy your standard for intimacy with someone else.
Sexuality can be very confusing at this time because you are raising and studying your frequencies. When you join bodies, even when you hug one another, you exchange frequency. When you have a sexual experience, there is a hormonal release inside the body. The hormones awaken certain energies inside the cells, and there is a transference of one person’s essence onto the other person. That is why when you have had sexual experiences with someone you sometimes cannot get their energy off you. Even though you don’t want to be with the person, the sexual experience stays with you because you have had an electromagnetic exchange. You are going through this frequency modulation and learning how to raise your frequency to a place of consistent information, self-love, and self-intimacy. Therefore, it can seem very confusing and sometimes frightening to take this vulnerable thing you are learning about yourself and layer up and merge with another. The more you become aware, the more you take charge of how you use your body, where you plug it in, where you sit it down, and certainly who you mix it with sexually.
If expressing yourself sexually now encouraged your greatest growth, you would automatically create that experience for yourself because you would be ready for it. Understand that, during the process of evolving the self, very often a period of dormancy in sexual activity occurs. Within the sexual frequency, you exchange with one another. So if you are bonding yourself and chemically exchanging with a person who is not of your likeness, you are taking on their garbage because you are exchanging energy quite intimately. Sometimes you will be led away from that kind of exchange. You may think, “Oh, my goodness, what is happening? Am I turning old? Am I drying up? What is going on?” That is not the case. You can learn to use the energy that would stimulate you sexually without giving it over to another person. Instead of getting chaotic and crazy, you may explore that energy by practicing the art of masturbation, knowing that it is perfectly legitimate and fine to do it. Or, you may want to simply observe that you feel a sexual arousal and decide what you are going to do with it. You may say, “Well, I’m not going to act on this now. Let’s see where this energy goes.” Take the energy, let it rise through your body, and use it in other areas. You will get to a point when you must adore, sustain, and love yourself as if you are holding yourself like a newborn babe in your own arms, knowing you will do the best for yourself. Many of you distract yourselves. Find the place of serenity and silence in which you can find answers. You cannot find answers by dialing the telephone all day long and asking everyone else for them. If you attempt to, you are demonstrating that you are looking outside of yourself. When you learn how to turn within to find answers, the self will speak. Usually you cannot hear because you are locked in behavioral patterns that you know you have to change but that you don’t want to change because you don’t know who you will be. In all honesty, you are afraid of yourselves. This is a very common thing. You are afraid you will not be complete, and you want to be complete very much. So you say, “I am complete. I am sovereign. I need someone else. I am attracted to someone. Oh, no, I cannot look. I am too frightened of that. I don’t need anyone. I do need someone.” You go back and forth. Learn to still your mind. Learn to become completely in charge of your energy. What does that mean? It means that wherever you are, you observe yourself—how your body is positioned, how you are using your hands, whether you are repeating yourself over and over again, whether you are speaking or silent. Learn to watch yourself with no judgment. Learn to watch and self correct by determining how you would like to be versus how you are. Learn to quiet your mind. Frequency is carried from you to another person particularly if there is a love bonding. A love bonding does not mean that you are going to cleave to one another forever. It simply means that you are in a relationship for however long you deem that relationship appropriate in that you honor one another and exchange energies and let the energies flow as if through open circuitry. When you do not love another and you are not bonded, there is no exchange; the circuitry does not open. It does not mean that you cannot have good sex; it simply means that the circuitry is not open. As this electrical current is raised higher and higher, there are greater heights of orgasmic experience that the human body can receive because the nervous system is able to handle the higher ecstatic frequencies. The nervous system will determine how you express yourself and how you feel. If you have a poorly evolved nervous system, your sexual experience will be very limited because the nervous system conducts the electrical current. The orgasmic experience brings about a healing and realignment of the physical body.
Eventually, you will not be able to get close to or be with someone who is not operating at the same voltage you are. You simply will not fit. It would be like putting a size nine foot into a size two shoe. It won’t work or be comfortable. You won’t fit because you won’t be able to merge vibrationally. You will eventually understand the importance of vibrational nourishment as you begin to link sexually. Linking sexually is only one way of merging with people who are moving at the same or a compatible voltage rate. Your reality is very interesting to us because you have so many clues in your waking world. When you go to a foreign country, your electrical appliances do not plug in. They don’t fit, so you need an adapter. It would be stressful if you had to continuously adapt to a vibration when you were involved intimately in a sexual relationship. It would be too much effort. You would spend all your energy creating the adaptive mechanisms. Then you would be in denial and not give yourself permission to go further because you would lower the ceiling.
The sixties marked the opening of sexual exploration. In an instant, the paradigm shifted. Much of the energy that was on the planet at that time, coupled with the experimental ingestion of different mind-altering substances, immediately made a new paradigm and split you from previous generations. The boundaries were instantly changed. You were split from a generation that believed in war and did not feel—a generation whose sexual expression was done in the dark, perhaps with many clothes on. You broke the paradigm wide open in many ways, and you set new trends and created new ways of being. It was wonderful. “Oh, goodness, free sex and love and bodies showing!” you said. Now it is time for a whole new revolution through which you will become vibrationally hooked to a person. There will be no more distractions of sexuality and no more pretending that you are without hang-ups—that you are sexually liberated because you can be in this position and that position and say this and do that. That is simply body aerobics in the area of sexuality. We want you to get into the aerobics and contortions of the soul—the vibration. The depth of two people coming together and linking in this capacity is what you all crave. If you are frightened of it, it is because you don’t have a framework or role model for it. You must design one. You must trust that somehow the energy in the design of the cosmic blueprint will instantly bring about a new movement based on the desire for this next step of understanding yourselves. You will remember with great clarity your expressions of sexuality in your different manipulations through reality—when you have been both men and women and explored sexuality in every aspect. It takes courage to do this. If there is one area in which you really judge yourselves, and in which the planet does great judging, it is sex. You have had some definite ideas about what is sexually proper and improper. So, many of you may be shocked to remember what you have done with your sexuality. Understand that, on this planet, sexuality has always been the body’s link to its higher frequency. Even though much of the data was scattered and disassembled in the body, this potential to create life remained for you to completely understand who you are at the base of your being and at the core of who you are. Sexual vibration has been your link with your cosmic identity, but this whole concept has been completely misunderstood and lost. We are simply saying that there is a bigger story and that it is much more exciting than anyone has dared to believe. There were those who did not want you to be in tune with these frequencies because the sexual frequencies could have taken you to areas of liberation where you would have begun to figure things out. Sexuality was left as a frequency for you to ride through the nervous system and connect with the higher mind by going out of your body. If you had been told that this was the route out, who could have controlled or manipulated you? The population must clear the negative connotations and judgments that have colored your sexual experience for eons. You must make peace with sex in order to integrate the frequencies and identity. Things have been manipulated and given a boundary of limitation so that the truth of sexuality has been kept from you. You have been told that you can procreate with it and have orgasms, but you have not been told that you can open frequencies with it. You can come into contact and use it as a method of remembering who you are and altering the vibrational frequency of your body. In the next few years, your expression of sexuality will have a whole new dimension. You will evolve and grow, provided that you have a partner who is willing to take the same route and to be that open. But if you are with someone who wants to play the avoidance game or the game of denial, you will not get there.”
– via Barbara Marciniak, from the book “Bringers of the Dawn”
Feeling who you are is the first step; living true to your identity is next.
Your identity is who you feel you are. If you feel you are a corporate executive, you will act very differently than if you feel you are infinite light. Who you feel yourself as is your identity. Spiritual growth involves deepening your identity, feeling more deeply who you are.
But after you have discovered a certain level of depth, then you must conform your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to this depth of openness—otherwise, your life-practice lags behind your identity-practice. Suppose, for example, you realize that at heart you are love. You realize that although you might function as a mother, a politician, or a baker, at depth you actually are love.
This realization is half of your spiritual practice. The other half is to live true to your newly realized identity, in spite of old habits to the contrary. You can now practice to do love. When you walk, how can you let go of your old habits of tension and move as an expression of the love you feel you are at depth? At your job, how can you work as the love you truly are? What changes do you need to make in your daily life-rituals so that love can radiate through your every breath, action, and relationship?
Most people find it much easier to grow deeper in identity (“Who am I?”) than to express this depth through daily life. They discover they are love, for instance, and still spend hours gossiping or watching TV. They self-justify by thinking they can be love while also lazing around, and this is true. But if they were really sensitive and honest with themselves, they would feel that certain behaviors conduct love more than others do. Singing with a relaxed throat is more conducive to expressing love than singing with a tense throat, although you can love and also be tense. You can make love with a hard belly or a soft belly, but love flows more fully through a soft belly.
“Am I receiving love from others fully into my body? Is love flowing through my body outward to others fully?” You learn to feel the flow of love as feedback. Before, you were able to bad-mouth others with a laugh and a sneer. Now that you have opened more deeply, you can feel how such gossip creates a subtle closure, a tension in yourself and in the friends you are speaking with. So you practice living more true to the depth of love you are, which in this case may mean gossiping less so love can flow more fully through your body and your friends.
You can notice how your diet affects the openness in yourself and others. True, you can be open as love and eat anything. Nevertheless, certain foods may contribute to a subtle closure in your body, emotions, and mind, and therefore instigate closure in your relationships.
Love, or openness, is. You can practice opening just as you are. As you grow in your capacity to be openness, you can also grow in your capacity to do openness. Your body, mind, and actions—whether in dreams or while awake—can live more or less true to the love-openness that is their source.
Whatever appears in any moment, including right now—your thoughts, the room, other people—is the given medium for love’s emergence. You don’t have much control over what appears, but you can practice true to your realized depth—or not. You can choose to gift the world and all others with the deepest love or openness that you can open as. You can practice to think as openness, to act as openness, to breathe as openness, now and in any moment. You can feel the texture of every moment of every relationship and act to align your words and touch and gaze so the openness of love prevails.
You can practice living as the deepest openness that you know you are. One enemy of this practice is laziness, or the misconception that knowing you are love is sufficient. Knowing or feeling the deep openness who you are is fairly easy; living as this openness, and serving all others to live as this love, in every moment through all appearances, is where the art is.
Usually, there is substantial lag time between the realization of depth and your capacity to live it. Your emotions, sex, and relationships tend to be much less open than who you feel you are at depth. True art requires practice. Living as an artful expression of openness—so even the tone of your voice, the grace of your gestures, and the play of your sexing are exquisite expressions of the love who you are—requires years of spontaneous gifting and rigorous practice.
If knowing the truth is sufficient for you, then practice the art of philosophy. If only living the truth will suffice, then practice the art of love through your mind, your emotions, and your body. Do your best to breathe love, in and out.
Receive the presence of the entire moment deep into your body—into your heart, into your belly, into your loins—as a lover would open deeply to receive her trusted beloved. Give your deepest love, pressing your love into the moment’s openness without holding anything back, as a lover would press his love gently and deeply into his trusting beloved. Soften your belly as love. Speak so that listeners open. Prepare food and arrange your house as love’s radiant gifts of enchantment.
Even in your nighttime dreams, your daydreams, and your secret moments of private time, practice the art of doing love through whatever medium appears. When you notice your mind wandering to a sexual fantasy, consciously guide the imagery toward love’s fullness, so that all the characters in the fantasy are heartfully served by your sexual gifts and opened as love’s unbound ecstasy. If you find yourself lonely, raiding the refrigerator at night, suck the fullness of the moment deep into your heart with each swallow, and allow each mouthful’s joy to radiate outward, breathing your secret pleasure as a gift freely offered from your heart through your whole body to all.
In this way, every place that comes and goes also opens as love fully offered.
From Blue Truth by David Deida, Chapter 15
“There I was more wet and turned on then I had been during the course of our hour and half of love making. It was in this moment of exasperated passion that he chose to introduce a new toy to our adventure. A large microphone looking vibrator that when he powered it on I could hear the clinging of the ring on his finger. At first he teased my nipples with its pulses and then slowly moved it down the front on my body, crossing my abdomen and then resting it on my pubic bone. My breathing quickened and I had to remind myself to remain present and breathe deeper. As I lay there focusing on my breath and trying to allow myself to be penetrated by the orgasmic vibration my lover moved this pulsing toy down a notch more to where it now would rest on and tease my clit. It’s vibration was so intense I could feel an orgasm arising within only seconds. My muscles tightened and quivered. I could feel my body wanting to let go into this rapture, but something was stopping me. Something was holding me in my mind and not allowing me to be fully expressed in this pleasure. He could sense that I was not surrendering completely and without a remark he moved from where he was resting between my legs to standing by my head that was almost hanging off the side of the bed. His thick gorgeous cock erect and strong now teasing my lips and mouth as his hand guided my hand to holding the vibrator. Softly encouraging me to place it where it felt most pleasurable. There I lay naked on these white sheets, full frontal view exposed, vibrator in hand and on my pussy, pulsating its lips and clit while devouring his ‘wand of light.’ My body begging me to just release into the orgasm, my mind wandering, unable to just let go. My thoughts bouncing from:
“OMG, I really needed this, Mmmmmmm….”
To “I wonder if he is really enjoying this. What is he thinking right now? God I must look horrible in this light, legs open wide and quivering like this, Lord I hope I don’t have anything in my nose, this is the wrong angle to be seen in…Should I look into his eye’s right now?”
Fearing I was making an ill face, that my stretch marks or the slight sag of my breasts might be a turn off I found myself unable to connect to the fact that I was being gifted with a most blissful moment with one of my favorite men. I could feel the orgasm growing tired of fighting for its life and on the cusp of giving way to numbed out flesh. It was in this moment that my lover chose to push me over the orgasmic edge and bring my focus to only one thing.
“God, you look so sexy, so arousing. I love watching your body. I could do this forever.”
With his complimenting words of how he was turned on and getting pleasure from just seeing me and how he enjoyed our sexing, I was able to release my mind and all the worry, fear and insecurity that was holding me back. I relaxed and opened myself to the moment therefore being penetrated fully by the orgasm. Heart thumping faster, blood rushing to my genitals, and my mouth getting as wet as my pussy. I wanted to feel him pressing into me in every way. I wanted to feel the earth move within my being while wrapped around him. I heard him moan with each flick of my tongue and suck of my mouth. Each moan injecting into my body more arousal, until I could no longer with hold the eruption. “
Truly we have no concept how powerful our words can be to another. Our messages shared in times of sexing can bring extra connection, depth and intimacy into the moment. Our statements of love and appreciation, our compliments and encouragements can free our lovers to fully experience themselves and us alike. Supportive love filled words can give your partner the nudge needed to surrender to bliss and open them to feeling the complexity and beauty of the moment.
Men and women alike dance with shame, guilt, stress and fear when they are revealed during sex and often our concerns fall toward how we are performing, what we are appearing like to our partner and if we are “making” them happy. We also experience times when stress from work, family, health, or finances might keep us mind focused and not in our body where we can taste the juiciness of life. Many people even though they hunger for good and frequent sexing are shameful of their cravings because of their religious up-bringing or the ill perceptions that society holds. Often in the course of a long standing relationship or marriage partners will perform in the bedroom out of a feeling of duty causing their ‘love making’ to not be pleasurable to the body, mind or soul and instead their sexing becomes one of even more stress.
In relationships where NRE (New Relationship Energy) is still strong lovers may find it easier to go deeper in their love making and most likely are far more willing, excited and present in it as well. However, with any intimate moment that people find themselves vulnerable to another they may experience certain shut downs or at times difficulty surrendering to their partner and the orgasm. These moments when experienced can lead to many sexual issues for both men and women and if one allows this disconnect to persist for a long enough course of time they will experience (for a man) ejaculation without orgasm or limited feeling, erectile dysfunction, inability to come and an overall unconnected sensation from themselves, life and their partner. Women who consistently disconnect during sex start to experience more masculine energy in themselves, the soft, flexible, sensual nature of the feminine subsides and makes way for the harsher, direct masculine energy that men normally express. This energy will take the female into the mindset of performance and a need to just “get off” from the moment instead of surrendering into the sensual dance or full body orgasm and connection to not only her lover but to herself and all of life. If allowed to persist women will slowly loose feeling or become over sensitive in their genitals thus causing them to feel a numbness or pain during sexual contact. Their mind will constantly be in a state of worry, stress or concern. The natural luscious sexy nature of the woman will dwindle to a faint light and her mood will go from pleasant to harsh and insensitive or depressed and scared causing FOD (female orgasm disorder).
In current times these are frequent issues for both men and women alike, issues that CAN be healed. Pharmaceutical companies see the great opportunity that these issues bring forth and are quickly doing multiple studies on the sexual dysfunction epidemics that we in the western world are experiencing in greater mass. But the solutions to these problems are not going to be healed by popping another pill. Pills do not heal or fix a problem for the most part, they mask the symptoms and further burry the real issues at heart. Key world being HEART and anyone willing to do the work and develop the skills can experience a holistic therapeutic healing for such dysfunction. Matter a fact through the practice of holistic sexual healing individuals can experience greater sexual pleasure, longer lasting experiences, deeper intimacy, psychological as well as physical and emotional release of past traumatic abuse and more life satisfaction in general. A large part of sexual therapy is the reprogramming of our internal belief structure. This is done in varies ways but one of the most powerful forms of therapy is to be authentically seen.
What do I mean by being authentically seen?
A client will reveal themselves in an emotional, physical or mental fashion to the practitioner (possibly in all forms at once if doing advanced work and often all areas merge together once a client becomes strong enough to be vulnerable in one area). The practitioner will give the gift of sacred space, meaning that they will hold focus on only the client and be completely present with them, providing a safety net to just be themselves. Naked in every way, the client opens themselves to being seen authentically and the practitioner shares empowering words, affirmations, and even touch in some cases. Many clients are amazed at the healing and revelations that they have in these moments. Often people have not experienced this sort of honest, authentic caring and unconditional acceptance in their lives since they were small children. Coming from this space individuals begin to experience themselves and are able to release much of the negative dominant programs that have been running for many years. We can experience a degree of this holistic sexual therapy within our own personal relationships by practicing mindful authentic communication. Part of sexual communication is sharing compliments in intimate moments with our lovers. Such positive words work toward affirming that our partner is divine, beautiful, arousing, sensual, sexy and helps to support them in allowing themselves to surrender further into the moment and express themselves as fully as possible with us. Our compliments in times of sexing can help heal years of shame, guilt, negative self-talk, fear, self-judgment and pain. Compliments not only fertilize your lovers heart but water your lovers genitals and over all sexual arousal and connection.
Ferrett Steinmetz is tired of being told that he should point guns at his daughter’s boyfriends.
There’s a piece of twaddle going around the internet called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with “funny” threats like this:
“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”
All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”
Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.
Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.
Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.
You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.
You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.
Now, you’re going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.
I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.
That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.
Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.
This article originally ran at theferrett.com under a slightly different title.
Having daughters can be scary but having sons can be too. Sex can be a beautiful experience and it can be a painful one. Age, relationship, gender has nothing to do with any of it. In schools, church’s and on the home front we teach our children that sex is evil if not done between a husband and wife or two “committed” ADULTS yet they are bombarded with poor sexual behaviors on movies, video games, books, magazines, the internet, advertising and even in the model many provide at home. It is hard to find one ADULT that did not explore sex as a teen and that has been the case since humankind came about, but in today’s society we believe it is healthy to shame, guilt and point fingers at our youth for doing what is absolutely normal. Sex education needs to change in my opinion, from: this is the birds and the bees and its for only making babies with your spouse; fear the diseases and possible death from it, to: here is how you honor your body, your partners body, here is how to have gourmet sex verse fast food sex, here is how to set healthy boundaries and how to talk sex with those you may be “doing it with.” Here are your safe sex options and above all else we need to teach that sex is freakin’ IMPORTANT in a intimate relationship. We do not own another’s body nor should we feel guilt for saying no to our partner when we need to, or feel shame for asking for what we want. We need to teach our children how to be strong and empowered in ALL areas of their life, not shame them for being human. I have always been a realist in my thinking on sex when it comes to all my babies, and because of what I have learned through experience and self searched out education on this topic I wish all my kids awesome safe empowered gourmet sex and I stand behind their decisions with open arms and a heart of understanding.
Article by Margo Anand
Picture by kotaku.com
Body armoring is a process whereby past traumatic experiences are stored in the body’s muscle tissues. What happens is that the body’s tissues harden, creating tension and blocking energy in the area that has been traumatized. By armoring itself, the body’s intention is to reduce its vulnerability to pain. But this process has the parallel effect of reducing our capacity for feeling pleasure.
In this regard the male and female sex organs are as prone to armoring as the rest of the body and can function at a reduced level of sensitivity. In fact, because the sexual organs have been subjected to vigorous condemnation from childhood onward, the genital area has become a major storehouse of negative imprints, greatly reducing our capacity for sexual pleasure and preventing full enjoyment of orgasmic release. Think about it for a moment. Traces of the emotional content of every unsatisfactory sexual experience have been recorded in the muscular tissues of your genitals, building up tension in the area so slowly that you did not even suspect that it was happening.
In men, circumcision, early experiences of guilt and fear associated with masturbation, clumsy prostatic examinations, and a compulsion to demonstrate “masculinity” by being forceful and thrusting in lovemaking all contribute to genital armoring. This armoring can manifest itself as a hardening of the penis, causing penile insensitivity that requires extremely strong stimulation in order to achieve arousal or, by contrast, it can result in an oversensitivity and fragility of the foreskin that translates into the attitude, “Don’t touch me!” Armoring in men also manifests itself in the form of chronic tension in the anal sphincter muscles, involuntary erections, and an attitude of sexual greed – the need for repeated genital stimulation.
In women, armoring can be caused by guilty masturbation, forceful male fingering, sexual intercourse without sufficient foreplay, making love when you don’t feel like it, failing to reach orgasm, having an abortion, or undergoing a caesarean birth or a hysterectomy. These contribute to the build-up of insensitivity in tissues around the vagina and pelvis. This tension manifests itself most commonly as a subtle tightness or stiffness in a vagina that never fully relaxes, even during intercourse. As a result, it is only narrowly receptive to the male organ.
Through working with many women, I have been able to create an “armoring map” of the vagina, showing how certain types of fears are related to specific areas of the female sex organs.
• Vaginal lips: fear of opening, shame, desire to hide, a feeling of “l can’t do this!”
• Clitoris: nervousness, distrust, impatience, holding tight, like clenching your fists or teeth when you don’t want to express your anger
• Perineum and perineal sponge: difficulty letting go into pleasure, numbness
•G spot: sexual frustration as a result of faking orgasm, performance anxiety, feeling inadequate, pushing for orgasm and not getting it
•Vagina canal around cervix: anger, expecting the worst, neediness, feeling like a victim, abortions, and childbirth traumas
If you are not sure whether genital armoring applies to you, try answering these questions. Think about them slowly rather than giving a reflex response:
Women: Were you forced into sexual intercourse or sexual manipulation at an early age, before you were ready?
Have you ever made love because your partner was turned on, even though you didn’t feel like it?
Have you ever felt your partner left you “hanging in mid-air” while he was already “over the edge”?
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Men: Have you ever made love as a performance, even though you had no enthusiasm for it?
Have you ever found yourself so busy giving pleasure to your woman that you forgot about your own pleasure?
Both: During sex have you ever found to your dismay that you couldn’t feel anything “down there”?
Have you ever made love as way of avoiding confrontation with your partner or covering up your anger?
Have you ever believed that everyone else was sexual and orgasmic, while you were lagging way behind, feeling just a trickle of a sensation?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you probably have some body armoring in your genitals. This armoring also translates into psychological attitudes -for instance, feeling uncomfortable talking about your sexuality or your genitals, or feeling discomfort when your lover examines your genitals. Working with hundreds of people, I have found that armoring seriously inhibits sexual sensitivity and therefore blocks deeper pleasure. I have also found that it is difficult for people to be open to the ecstasy of High Sex until the whole genital and anal area has been cleaned of imprints left by negative sexual experiences. Only through direct, hands-on, loving massage around and inside the genital area can we effectively heal these past wounds and transform pain into, pleasure. To do this we need to direct our full attention and acceptance to the way our genitals feel.
When the penis is healed, it becomes flexible, warm, and vibrantly alive when erect. In addition to the stimulation provided by vigorous sexual intercourse, this increased sensitivity enables the man to receive pleasure by resting his penis in the vagina in a gentle, relaxed, non-demanding way. Prior to healing, he may not have been able to feel anything without continued stimulation.
When the vagina is healed, it becomes naturally yielding, soft, and welcoming, allowing a sense of trust and playfulness in lovemaking. The vaginal muscles are elastic and respond to the penis by massaging it naturally.
Love and acceptance are the key ingredients for healing. That is why we need to understand the meaning of loving ourselves and our bodies before we can even think of making love with another person. Only then are we fully ready and available for the joys of ecstatic lovemaking.
READ Entire Artice at Tantra.com