You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light. – David Deida
Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked
” I feel nothing. I crave feeling you penetrate me deeply at a soul level but I cannot feel you even with my physical body. – Our sex is feelingless. “
I have this statement that I say sometimes about sex. It feels like I am fucking the air- it is empty and without sensation. How is this possible though when two bodies are coming together and physically connecting. Rubbing, stroking, penetrating. How can you hardly feel your partner? If at all?
So many people speak of sex ONLY from the physical level. They make it sound like sex is just sex no matter what the scenario. And for some forms of sex, sex is just sex. It is just a friction based stress release focused on the physical act and the fantasy of seeing or experiencing something that is not everyday. It is not intended or thought to be something that can penetrate your soul, provide deep purpose to ones life, alter your reality even and connect you not only to self and partner but a space where you discover all of life’s interconnectedness. This state of orgasm, of sexing is not for the timid or surface minded people of the world who are looking for further distraction and release to/from life’s troubles. This sort of sexing and orgasm is only discovered through full surrender and vulnerability. It is an extremely emotional event that can fill us with clarity, creativity, joy, bliss, tears, and heart expanding sensations. It can provide us with direction, a sense of purpose and a certainty that there is so much more that life has to offer and support. This sort of sex is healing. And science supports this.
I believe that women more so than men NEED, truly need this deeper level of connection and sex consistently in their lives. When I look out into the world and “people watch” I can point out an under fucked woman every few minutes and I have to work hard to find a properly fucked woman. Yet if I spoke to women and men alike I would hear tale after tale of the sex that was being had. This is where the misconception comes into play.
You can fuck a woman 3 times a day. Long and hard even and still ONLY be giving her your cock. She will still come out of the experience under-fucked. She may even have had some “real” orgasms. But what she is not having is sex that penetrates her very soul. What you as a man are not having, basking in or giving is sex that penetrates her soul and thus yours as well. As David Deida says, ” Penetrate your woman the way you want to penetrate the world.” – I share this quote often and what I get is the deer in the head lights look from men and women alike. The concept that a man should fuck a woman the way he wants to fuck the world and in turn be fucked open himself by the world is a hard, scary and intimidating concept to fathom. It requires a masculine that is confident, not cocky. A masculine that can allow himself to be seen and felt fully like the movie Avatar speaks of – ” I see you.” This is vulnerability. This is masculine surrender. The masculine that can open himself to his woman and know that his purpose in that moment is to not just give her dick and “make her orgasm” but to be carried to heaven through her orgasm and allow for her to take him to realms of pleasure and depth that he cannot take himself. This masculine is sexually mature. This masculine knows that the power of his cock is more than just a sexual sword to slay a woman’s sex with. He is not desiring to conquer her or control her but to be opened to her and the universe through their love making, their fucking. In doing this he not only expands his orgasm and self, he also creates a container for her to dance in. To release and be seen fully in her feminine design and orgasm. In this space the two come together and are no longer just having sex, they are gods and goddesses basking in the light of the creator and they are in their full power. Here the two can discover deeper levels of self, the universe, life and they can manifest greatness in all areas of their lives through their beautiful sexing. Here they fuck each other wide open.
So back to the title of this article – Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked.
Ask yourself this, no matter if you are a woman or man, ” When was the last time that my sex was something more than a stress release; a duty; or focused on the physical nature of the act? When was the last time I felt so connected to my core, my soul and all of life during sex and orgasm? When was the last time my sex fulfilled me to a point that it carried me through the following week in a state of bliss?
Now answer how much “sex” am I having?
If you are having sex once a week or even twice a month, if it is the gourmet variety I am speaking of than you can be carried through on it for days and weeks. I know this for a fact. If it is of the junk food or fast food variety then you are going to wake up undernourished and hungry for more sex and most likely need your next hit of its chemicals and release to get you through the next day or two. This is where addiction sets in. This is where you are not feeding yourself or your partner well. This is under-fucked, no matter how much sex your having.
There is hope if you are a junk food sex addict.
There is hope if you have not tasted gourmet fucking for some time or ever for that matter.
There is hope for you too to experience the revelation of your deepest being through your sex.
The answers are between your legs, your ears and in your chest. The answers are found in your presence, because your presence is your power and the only sword you ever need to discover this reality.
If your sex is not leading you to your deeper purpose, then it is time to make some changes.
To learn more on this topic and conscious sexing email me today or fill out an application to work me through one of my intensive programs in person, over the phone or web today.
” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.
As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.
The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.
Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”
This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.
As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.
This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.
Willingness Vs. Wanting
We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?
“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”
“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”
These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.
When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.
Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:
A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.
When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.
This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.
That is not selflishness though!
Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Yes I just said that you and I alike NEED to be selfish more!
Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.
An example of being selfish would be:
After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!
I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.
Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.
Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.
Our willingness is often based on one of three things:
*Love or care for another *Guilt
*Compromise or control
The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.
When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.
We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.
Honor those you love through the act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.
Imagine you woke up today with ONLY the things you gave thanks to the creator for yesterday.
2016 has been a year of transformation which means a year of chaos, turbulence, perceived suffering and ego drama for many including myself. So many people that I have worked with over the course of this year came to me with visions of desires that they truly wanted and still do but were faced with the healing process of mourning.
Perhaps you are one of these sweet souls who is going through this transition somewhere in your life or in multiple areas of your life. Mourning is something that we typically relate to the death of a loved one and we allow ourselves to feel the pain of loss for them as we figure out how to take the next step in life and move forward. The mourning process often finds us feeling:
We recognize these feelings as a state of depression. We know that we cannot change the events and through the process of mourning we tend to focus in on ALL the characteristics, moments and feelings about the thing that we lost that we LOVED, APPRECIATED and wished we still had. In this moment we find ourselves appreciative and upset. Angered at our loss but appreciative that we had been blessed with the moments spent.
So how does this relate to TODAY which happens to be Thanksgiving or the transformation process and all the shit that happens on this path of growth?
Simple, our true growth and transformation comes when we can allow ourselves this same right of mourning even with the programs and shifts that we know we have to make that are holding us back from our true abundance and power.
Why should we mourn or be grateful for these programs, negative events and suffering you may ask?
Because these events, programs and perceived suffering is exactly what we needed to make us strong enough to have the vulnerability, the courage to walk the path of our destiny. It is these very things that teach us about gratitude. Without these events and feeling in our lives we would act like a spoiled Charles born with a silver spoon in our mouth. We would indeed take life and all our blessings for granted. And even with all the trauma that we humans inflict on ourselves as we move through life we still manage to lead a life full of blessings that we constantly take for granted.
No matter how bad it is in any one persons life there is ALWAYS a place for gratitude. No matter how abused, sick, broke, hungry, abandoned, lonely or in pain a person is there ARE BLESSINGS. How can I say this? Obviously I have no clue what I am speaking because I have not walked in the shoes of the homeless man who sleeps on the cold streets of Chicago. I have not been abandoned by my family . I am not suffering with a drug addiction. I am not dying from an incurable illness. I am not living in a sex slave camp. I have not witnessed my whole village and family massacred before my very eyes. Or any other horrible human trial. But still, I write this in complete confidence that no matter what the trail, the pain, the suffering or situation that there is BLESSING and a place for gratitude. If nothing else there is a blessing in the lesson.
The lessons of our soul come in two formats:
Pleasure and Pain.
It is when we discover the blessing in our suffering or wound as I like to say that we actually step foot on our true path. It is in our wounds that we discover our passion, our purpose and our GIFT to the world.
Only through gratitude can we fully embrace our calling.
But just saying that we are thankful is not enough. We must actually touch gratitude with the feeling of it penetrating our core, our heart. We must enter a space where we not only speak our gratitude but act on it. Without committing to gifting the world with our appreciation and moving into the lessons of our wounds we remain closed and shut up. We keep ourselves armored and locked away where we can not relate, feel love or joy.
We prevent ourselves from living a life of abundance. When we hide away from the mourning process which leads us to gratitude we in turn say, ” No thanks to the Fuck YES Life! ” The life that you experience not just yeah that sounds nice but Fuck YES I want that. Fuck YES I am blessed. Fuck YES this is awesome. Fuck Yes I am in Love! Fuck Yes I am living my dream.
So on this day of Thanksgiving focus on what your blessings are.
Find the hidden blessings and start by praising life for the opportunities that come in those challenges.
“_When we commit to truly being present in the moment, realizing that the past is just a story and the future is still being created, we can find true happiness. When we realize that gratitude can shift any situation in our life from a challenge or a normal day to a day of joy, opportunity, and blessing. Even in the darkest days we can choose to see how that moment can gift us compassion, strength, growth, empathy, and a lesson that, if learned, can transform our reality. Life truly transforms when you start counting your blessings. When you stop focusing on what you do have instead of what you don’t. When we focus on what we HAVE we always end up with more things to be grateful for.”_ – Joeel and Natalie Rivera
What would you have today based on your appreciation of yesterday?
For anyone that I work with face to face, you know that I have a white board in my office where I update according to what spirit guides to share and leave special quotes and thoughts, questions on this board for all my beautiful peep’s to explore internally. Recently one of my statements was, ” We connect through our drama.” This statement caught some attention and caused a few people to question if this was accurate or if they felt other wise. In my coaching I do many coaching calls with people all over the place and one of my dear clients I was speaking with brought out a comment from me that I felt pertinent to share here as well as further thought on it.
The comment from me was: “Through looking for approval we also gain connection.”
This comment seems to being hanging out in my practice right now. It keeps coming up with so many people. The questions/thought that follow it are:
Is asking for approval needy?
If this is so then this is why I don’t do it as much when I am feeling confident and centered in myself.
But when I have confidence and don’t need approval or opinions from others then is this disconnect?
So what is the best chosen path: disconnection or looking for connection through approval? How do they each benefit me?
Yes looking for approval and opinion is connection based. Is this needy?
It can be, but not always. We as human beings need connection for basic survival and health. Our psyche’s health depends on connection. For the same reason we create drama in our lives – which is another connection based activity- we also look for approval, insight, opinion. We as well down play our greatness or blessings and we build up our trauma or pain. These are tools of connection.
What you have to truly look at is what sort of connection are you desiring?
There are many levels of connection.
For the most part many people say they want a deep connection and to be authentically seen but if given the opportunity to have this they become scared and sabotage it through ego based relating. The majority of relationships, may they be friendships, work or intimate, even marriages and with children are surface connections. To authentically relate and allow yourself to be seen and felt as well as remain open to seeing and feeling another at this level is an incredibly hard space to stand in. Yet is a desire for most.
Permission is only needed from ourselves for ourselves.
Confidence is something that only serves us if we are acting from our heart space, our soul. If we are in ego then confidence will disconnect us and actually come across as cockiness. A confident person is not a disconnected person. A confident person is someone willing to open themselves up and be seen, be felt, be human. They are comfortable asking for what they need, desire and they are also comfortable with hearing another’s authentic answer even if it means that the other is not good with giving what has been asked. Confidence is courage. Courage to see ones ego. Courage to make mistakes and ask questions. Courage to face the reality that our old programs will always pop up to haunt us and the only thing we can do is get better at seeing them and then acting differently. Courage to love ourselves just as we are and forgive ourselves for our past’s. Courage to embrace those that frustrate, hurt, anger or sadden us and realize that some where in our past we too have been guilty of doing the same in a similar energy, therefore there is no need to try and change where another is but just accept that their path is what it is as ours is as well.
The only way we disconnect is to shut ourselves down from the beauty of opening up.
When we choose openness and love we choose connection. First with ourselves (as the relationship we have with self is the set-point for all other relationships) and then with those in our lives.
So what is the best path? The best path is the one you are on. The best path is to learn to love and fully accept yourself in all your humanness. This is the ONLY path and you are never off of it, it is always with you and you will be traveling it even when you feel you are lost.
Feeling like you could use direction, guidance, support or opening to your authentic self?
So here is where more than my Naked Musings come into play! How can I help you be the best you that YOU desire and crave Living that Fuck Yes Life that you know at your core is waiting for you but scares the hell out of you? Reach out to me to explore one of my Orgasm Coaching Programs for men, women and couples or email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) about getting on the waiting list for the VIP Fuck Yes to Life Coaching that is coming this Fall 2016!
So, can sex be a true addiction? I can’t tell you how often people not only ask me this question but also how often I’ll hear people throw the words “Sex Addict” around.
Lately I have seen several articles and been involved in a few conversations with colleagues about Sex Addiction. In my experience people tend to have strong feelings around this topic.
Some people say that sex addiction is just another way to pathologize people and label them. Others say that sex is like a drug and can be used/abused, can be dangerous, and something to be approached with care. I believe both can be and are true.
I personally have worked in the past with people that have been labeled as sex addicts. Some of these individuals I believe were indeed mislabeled and yet others had created severe damage in their lives in the pursuit of sex. I’ve listened to stories from my past clients about going broke, ruining relationships, ending up in jail, and ruining their health in order to find sex.
So to me, the question is not if Sex Addiction (or abuse of sex) is real because I have seen the damage in my clients’ lives. I think the question is what is and what is not sex addiction!
What is Sex Addiction?
Technically there is no such thing as sex addiction in terms of medical terminology. An addiction of any form is simply a laymen’s term for what the medical and psychological community call abuse/dependence. The closest medical term that has been offered for what society considers Sex Addiction is “Hypersexual Disorder” which was not approved for usage in the latest addition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuel (DSM 5), which is where all diagnoses of psychological disorders come from. Some also consider withholding sex a form of sex addition (“Sexual Anorexia”), which would fall under the category of Hypo-sexual disorder. Also, medical professionals have been unable to even determine what sex addiction is because it is often used to define any behavior that deviates from societal norms. This includes “excessive” sexual intercourse, masturbation, viewing of pornography, partners, etc.
The National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity has defined sexual addiction as “engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others.” Since there is no agreed upon definition of what a sex addiction is, I would like to offer what I use with my clients to determine when someone has entered an unhealthy territory in the way of sexual behaviors.
• Are you able to function in your daily life? (Going to work, taking care of adult responsibilities, taking care of physical health, etc.)
• Are you continuing to engage in behaviors despite intense dangers to your physical health, career, or financial well-being?
• Are you unable to stop the behaviors despite them no longer bringing you pleasure?
If someone says, “Yes,” to the above situation, then they very well might be stuck in an addictive cycle with sex, porn, or masturbation. Thankfully there are many wonderful therapists/coaches that work with sex addiction and can help determine what emotional needs are trying to be met through these behaviors.
What Sex Addiction is NOT!
Often Sex Addiction is used as a scapegoat for Cheating, Lying, Jealousy, and Taboo behaviors. As long as the below behaviors are not stopping normal adult functioning, a sex addiction is not:
• Cheating: Just because a partner is enjoying sex with another person(s) does not mean they are addicted. It means that there is a breakdown somewhere in the communication and the relationship. Often women particularly will struggle emotionally with the thought of a partner cheating and so will label that other person a sex addict. I believe people often see it as a more acceptable/ less embarrassing than having to admit their partner cheated OR the person engaging in the infidelity finds it easier than having to manage the repercussions of infidelity. Cheating can cause emotional turmoil on both sides but that does not make it a sex addiction
• Polyamory/Open Relationships: Just because a person chooses a different lifestyle does not make them have an addiction. Often people are under the impression that people in these types of relationships are “sex crazed” and are constantly engaging in dangerous sexual experiences. Research studies have actually shown the exact opposite, that people in these relationships communicate and take more precautions for safety in sex than single/monogamous couples. However, instead of learning about these lifestyles, it is easier to smack a label on a person or think they are just choosing that lifestyle for the sex.
• Pornography: I do not personally like pornography because I think it can push unhealthy standards but a person does not have an addiction just because they enjoy viewing pornography. Viewing porn can be a healthy part of adult sexual experiences. Many couples pursue pornography to add spice into a relationship and many single people use it to meet their basic human needs in a safe and healthy manner.
• Enjoying Sex/Sex-ploration: Many times I will hear people throw the word sex addict out when they hear about a person engaging in more sex then they deem “appropriate.” Based on religious beliefs, upbringing, and our society, many people have strong ideals on what is and is not okay. The truth is we have no right to tell others when their desires/needs have been met or to limit them according to our personal ideals of sex. A person could have a new sex partner every night for a year and still not be a sex addict!
• Taboo Sex: As we expand as a society, more and more people are venturing into new sexual territory. There is a reason why 50 Shades of Grey took the nation by storm! In our ignorance of a sexual preference we often label people as having a “problem.” As adults we have the right to explore whatever we like in the privacy of our own bedroom (outside of illegal preferences such as child abuse or animal abuse). Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t make it an addiction.
Sex Addiction is serious and can very much ruin a person’s life. If a person truly has a sex addiction then they do need help to put their lives back together. In true sexual addiction, the person needs to explore the pain and patterns that are keeping them stuck in a destructive cycle. There are some amazing therapy and treatment centers out there to help these individuals. Though beware because there are some other treatment centers that turn this addiction into a moral issue and will try to shame the addiction out of a person or suggest taking on habits such as celibacy. These treatments are not effective and will often just drive the addict deeper into the addiction long-term.
Sex Addiction is not a scapegoat phrase or something to be thrown around in order to express your dislike of a person’s sexual behaviors. It’s not an excuse for infidelity and not a rationale for someone having a high sexual appetite.
Original Article on RecovertoLife written by Kelly Martin, LPC, LCDC, Experiential Life Coach
I know that I have many people that I am working with who are coming to a point in their lives and relationships where having and “Open Relationship” has become appealing to them. But there is much concern as to if it is dangerous or not to have this sort of sexual/intimate relating and the main causes of concern are:
* How will jealousy play a role?
* Won’t one or both of us feel like the other is not invested or committed as much anymore?
* What happen’s if I truly love two people at the same time? Is this manageable or will it destroy the relationships?
* Does having multiple partners increase my chances of catching a sexually transmitted disease?
* What about time management?
* How do I deal with what other’s think? i.e. friends, parents, children, etc.
* How do I bring up the conversation of opening my primary relationship?
Just to name a few concerns….
I am not going to address all of this here, as this list of concerns is a whole workshop in it’s own. However, I do want to say that I agree with Dan Savage on his comeback and I will state that for the last four years I have been blessed to enjoy a deep loving, authentic relating and sexually open relationship with my two lovers. Both men fulfill me in different aspects. My relationship is unique with each and yet similar.
Last year I opened a channel of communication of allowing each of them to ask me five question’s, they could be any question and I agreed to answer 100% authentically no matter how hard it may be to state my truth. My primary partner Scott asked me, ” Have you ever considered a primary relationship with B?” – My response and the honest truth was, “Yes.” How could I have not? Here is a man I adore and love with my heart, soul and body just as I feel for Scott, I feel for B. Each man pulling to my surface an aspect of myself that without his presence I would not get a chance to explore, heal and love. Each man compliments my internal masculine in a similar but different fashion and allow’s me to be stronger in my divine feminine. Each open’s me and teaches me how to expand my heart, surrender more fully, and accept more gracefully the lead of the divine masculine.
In all honesty, I cannot, nor do I ever wish to imagine or experience my life without each of these gentlemen in it. Do I need either of them? No. I feel strong enough in myself and my path to say that I make the conscious choice each day to open myself to each of them and dance in life with them. It is not a state of need and therefore jealousy does not play a strong role in my relating. I am not with either of them to try and change them into someone that I believe they should be either. Therefore I am able to step away from much of my ego based issues and just enjoy each of them for who they are in the moment and how they each choose to show up in life with me.
As far as sexually transmitted diseases and open relationship’s go, just an FYI that monogamy does not mean security. Many studies have been done in recent years to see if polyamorous people are more likely to catch a sexually transmitted diseases than monogamous people. The stat’s were about equal. But how is this possible if one group of people are only sleeping with the same person and the other group has multiple partners?
Well, here is the truth.
When people cheat they do not think to have safe sex. They do not use a condom most of the time.
When people are involved in an open lifestyle they typically know that they have to have these conversations about diseases, protection and when someone got tested or not. They also think about boundaries, safe words, precautions and deeper levels of authentic communication that many monogamous people never consider. Does this mean that you can’t enjoy bare sex with two partners or that it is a bad idea? The answer here is no. Of course you can enjoy bare sex with two partners, as long as all partners are on board with it and communication is in place as well as taking into consideration that bare sex is a symbol of deep connection, trust and COMMITMENT. So if anyone decides to bring in another party then the safety jackets are back on.
Having an open relationship or multiple partners DOES NOT mean that you love less. It means that you LOVE MORE! This sort of relating when done in a mature, proactive, no ego driven or need fashion can be very healing and a great teacher. Is it for everyone? No. But should it be condemned or stated that such a relationship between 3, 4 or even 5 people cannot last long term? No again. Most monogomous relationships end in divorce after years of fighting, suffering and sexless relating. Do these long term relationships seem successful? If you answered yes then you may need to examine what your view of success is and then ask yourself if they are really examples of unconditional love too. Then look at an open relationship such as Dan Savage and his wife, shared below….
Successful? Unconditionally loving?
You be the judge.
Dan Savage in 2013
…The Oscar-winning actress [Mo’Nique] and her husband [Sidney Hicks] are double rarity: not just a straight couple who aren’t in the closet about their open marriage, but a famous straight couple in an openly open marriage.
…[Writer Tammy] La Gorce gets a few quotes from someone who comes across as pretty sane about open marriages — Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development — but La Gorce pretty much hands the rest of the piece over to someone who has clearly lost her mind: Helen Fisher, author, “biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute” (RIP Kinsey Institute), and shill for a dating website, where Fisher has been doing important research on the best strategy for getting a second date (take ’em out for sushi) and what it means when a person uses a lot of emojis (they’re horny as fuck).
…Where to start?
With Fisher’s insulting claim to know better than Mo’Nique and Hicks about how the Mo’Nique and Hicks really feel about their marriage? (They only think they’re happy, those deluded human animals!) With Fisher’s yanked-from-her-ass assertions about evolutionary pressures that supposedly endowed all modern humans with genes that allow for just one type of romantic “bond” (only pairs, always sexually exclusive!) and just one successful “mating process” (only pairs, again, and it’s all about the kids!)? With Fisher’s assertion — offered without any data to back it up — that open marriages “never end up working long-term”?
Let’s start with that.
“Just because there is a lack of good data on the longevity of open relationships does not mean that ‘they never work out,'” said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University. “Saying ‘they never work out’ goes beyond any data she has; I would ask her to prove it. Where are her data? I know of none to support that.”
Dr. Herbenick has data that contradicts Fisher’s “they never work out” and “all people in non-monogamous couples are secretly miserable” bullshit.
“Similar proportions of men in monogamous and open relationships say they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied,” said Dr. Herbenick, citing ACTUAL FUCKING DATA from the IU School of Public Health’s 2014 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. “For women, more women in monogamous relationships say that they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied. But that doesn’t mean none are happy or satisfied, as plenty are.”
…On a personal note/anecdote: my husband and I recently celebrated our 21st anniversary and our marriage has been open for 17 of those years. Hey, maybe Terry and I need Helen Fisher to swing by the house and explain to us how we’re really secretly miserable, just like Mo’Nique and Hicks….
Fisher’s bizarre theory of brain adjacency: the chunks of our brainz involved in romantic love are located near the chunks of brainz that “orchestrate” thirst and hunger and that’s why there’s no such thing as a successful open marriage. CASE CLOSED!
That sounded like complete bullshit — and not just to me.
“It is a rather odd claim to say that the reason a phenotypic trait will operate the way it does is because a particular brain region responsible for it is adjacent to other brain regions which do something else,” said Dr. Qazi Rahman, King’s College London. “That kind of model of brain-behaviour relationships would generate all sorts of very odd predictions which most neuroscientists or neuropsychologists would find strange. But then all behaviour and mental activity is ‘in the brain’ and so I’m not clear making these sorts of claims does any useful explanatory work for behavioural scientists.”
“There is an entire network of the brain involved in romantic love,” said Dr. James Pfaus…. [Fisher] doesn’t get it. She has never gotten it. Her view of the brain is a neurochemical phrenology.”
…”I spoke with Helen at a conference once,” a researcher who did not wish to be identified told me in an email. “Helen said there is a single gene that will determine whether a man cheats or not. We carefully explained why this couldn’t be so.”
Fisher, like so many other hacks in the love-and-relationship racket, wants sex and love and marriage to work in a certain way — they insist it only works this one way — and this monogamist bias informs and distorts Fisher’s work.
“I enjoy Helen’s stuff, but think she’s blind to her cultural bias on this one,” said Dr. David Ley. “I’d be interested in whether she truly thinks monogamy ‘works’ long-term, given divorce and infidelity rates. I think the most damaging piece of Fisher’s approach is her generalization of her beliefs to all humans. The valuable thing about modern relationships is the ability to individually negotiate a relationship, based upon each partners’ needs, strengths and deficits.”…
Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?
There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.
“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?” “Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?” “He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”
Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.
Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.
Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.
These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?
The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.
This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:
No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.
Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.
Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.
(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)
Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.
Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.
Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.
Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.
The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.
But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.
The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.
Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.
The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.
And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.
My second review is about Mr. Currie’s interview with a tantric sex expert and sexual educator named Kendal Williams.
If you already read my review of Mr. Currie’s interview with Brandi L. Davis, a lot of my same criticisms and sentiments can easily be transferred to this interview as well. I am still not sure if the love affair with coarse, crude, rough, pornographic sex talk is a Mr. Currie preference only, or is it more broadly an American preference. To each their own, in fairness to the host and guest.
If you eliminate all of the moments during the interview where Mr. Currie and Ms. Williams participated in phone sex, this episode is worth a listen. Ms. Williams is a sex educator who presents her thoughts and arguments very well, and I was impressed by many of her feminist attitudes about women taking ownership over their bodies, their vaginas, and their eroticism and sensuality in general.
I didn’t really care for her concept of the ‘under-fucked pussy,’ not only because of the dreaded p-word, but because I do not believe that a woman’s vagina always needs to be penetrated or pounded by a man’s penis for a woman to experience the highest level of pleasure and sexual satisfaction. That concept of Ms. Williams’ aside, I agreed with many of her points about society’s attempt to dictate how a woman should behave sexually.
I believe tantric sex provides many benefits to men, women, and couples, and I believe more gals and guys should look into it. Ms. Williams’ talked in detail about tantric healing, tantric massage, and tantric yoga in addition to tantric sex. If you are tantra ‘curious,’ this is the episode of Mr. Currie’s that you should listen to.
Since I have been sort of beating up on Mr. Currie’s verbal style a bit, I will give him at least one compliment. He has one saying that is expressed fairly seductively, and it involves no coarse, crude, misogynistic, or profane language. The saying comes forth usually when Mr. Currie is playing the role of the good, attentive listener, and his guest says something very flattering to him or very erotic. Once the guest expresses a compliment to Mr. Currie or a kinky thought, Mr. Currie will simply say in a very calm, relaxed voice, “Ooooooooooh. Say that again.” Sometimes, in a very amusing way, Mr. Currie will say this same phrase over and over and over repeatedly.
What I also do like about listening to Mr Currie is his openness and lack of modesty which enables both himself and the interviewee to talk candidly about the subject matter at hand. His demeanour throughout the interview seems to allow the conversation to flow naturally for both parties to explore the topic and provide their views.
I still don’t think I could ever agree that Mr. Currie’s style of verbal eroticism will ever earn him the legitimate title as the ‘King,’ but after listening to him interview Brandi L. Davis and Kendal Williams, I can see why a number of American women would fancy him. Mr. Currie is an acquired taste, but I believe if a woman allows Mr. Currie to grow on them, he will soon be selected for the position as that woman’s own personal Dylan Daniels, Christian Grey, or E. Edward Grey.
I recommend this episode to Mr. Currie’s listeners not so much for the phone sex parts, but for the sexual feminism expressed by Ms. Williams and her wealth of knowledge and expertise in the area of the tantra lifestyle.
Below are the choices that I believe define a man, and contribute to healthier relationships in all forms, especially with self. This list is based on my experiences as a friend, son, brother, boyfriend, husband, and therapist.
I don’t claim to posses all of these traits. I actually struggle with most of them. You may or may not agree with my stance. Some are light. Some are heavy. They are in no particular order.
My intent is to create a dialogue. Nothing else. My hope is that if you are a man, it encourages you to think about who you want to be. If you are a woman, to think about whom you want to be with.
We live in a fatherless nation. Many of our fathers were or are physically or emotionally absent. I’ve seen the effects of this in the men and women who come to me for life-coaching, as well as the kids I’ve treated in residential rehab for substance abuse. The absent father contributes to eating disorders, addictions, dysfunctional or abusive relationships, codependency, low self-esteem, depression, and suicide.
I want to thank all the men out there who have decided to look at themselves with courage to change, all the men making an honest effort to be good fathers, better husbands, and kinder friends — men who have sacrificed for their family, neighbors, and country.
I want to thank men working in mental health, hospitals, and classrooms, men who wear uniforms, police officers, firefighters, and soldiers. These are the true leaders of our world and I hope to follow in their footsteps. We are not born men. Becoming a man requires reflection, pain, courage, and sometimes a rebirth. It is a process that never ends.
How To Be A Real Man & How To Find One
Arguments are usually about two hurt people not being heard. Instead of hearing each other and addressing the hurt, we compete to see who can pull out the most shit from the past.
MEN: Break the cycle. She’s arguing with you because she’s not feeling heard. So put your point aside and focus on making her feel heard. Do this by practicing empathy, putting yourself in her shoes.
Once she feels heard, the argument can turn into a discussion. Express your point. If it gets heated again, don’t argue. Go back to addressing her feelings, making her feel heard. Make it a nonnegotiable that you will not argue. It takes two people to have a tug of war. If you refuse to hold the rope, there is no war.
You might be thinking, “Well, why should I back down first?”
What do you get from being right other than resentment and a stiff back from sleeping on the couch?
WOMEN: Exactly the same thing I said to the men.
DON’Tbe a bully.
Bullies aren’t just angry kids on the playground. They’re grownups. They run companies, wear uniforms, and raise families. They exist at work, home, and church. You may be sleeping with one.
The act of bullying comes in many forms, not just physical. There is emotional bullying, financial bullying, spiritual bullying, and mental bullying to name a few.
Ultimately, a bully is someone who tries to take away someone else’s power so that they can feel like they have more. For them, this feeling of being powerless creates fear and it’s this fear that drives them to be manipulative, controlling, aggressive, and abusive. Simply put, bullies are cowards. They are afraid to face their own defects and deficiencies, so they make others aware of their own.
MEN: Bullies were bullied. Break the cycle. You’re not bad. You’re hurt. This behavior does not make you powerful. It makes you powerless. Take the power back by taking responsibility for your actions and how they impact others.
WOMEN: Do you want a bully as a husband, father, or friend?
DON’T be creepy.
Being creepy comes from a false belief that one is not good enough. That builds up a fear of rejection, which engages the fight or flight mechanism. The fear can manifest as rubbing against women in dark clubs, stalking on Facebook, driving by the coffee shop to make sure she is with who she said she would be with, and, of course, overthinking everything.
MEN: First, know that being creepy repels women more than Ed Hardy shirts. Second, know that you can’t just stop being creepy. In order to stop, you must explore your wiring, your fear, and begin a process of acceptance. Simply put, you must grow.
WOMEN: When you run into someone who’s being creepy, imagine that person as Peter Pan. An adult child. Know that this person is immature, not evil. It’s a behavior men revert to because they lack certain tools.
I understand that that doesn’t make you any more attracted to them, but understanding allows empathy. My wish is that you empathize instead of criticize. Use their stunted growth to promote yours.
DO walk with mirrors.
Walking with mirrors means shattering the version of you that is false. In order to know which version is false, we must examine our thoughts, behaviors, and the effect we have on others. It also means taking responsibility for them by making a choice to choose differently if necessary. To walk with mirrors means to constantly examine self and to seek growth and truth.
MEN: Think about all the men you admire, from professional athletes to CEOs to musicians to your favorite grandfather. Who do you admire and why? You may be in awe of a man’s ability. The way Donald Trump makes money, Tiger woods sinks balls, and Tony Robbins motivates millions.
But the person you admire the most is probably the one who admits his defects and does something about it. The man who is vulnerable, transparent, and nondefensive. The man who is humble and honest.
WOMEN: Any man can build abs. Any man can make money. Find a man who walks with mirrors and you will not only find a man, but you will find a leader, a hero.
DO make your bed.
MEN: Why fix something that’s just going to get messed up in 10 hours? On the surface, making your bed shows that you’re clean, responsible, and willing to contribute to the household chores. But on a deeper level, you’re announcing to your partner, and to yourself, that you are going somewhere. You are now leaving to conquer the world. You have direction, a dream in your head, a fire in your belly.
I know you’re rolling your eyes, but humor me for a moment. Women want a man with direction. Without it, she will begin to doubt her man, and a woman in doubt means a relationship in trouble. The chemistry will change for the worse and she won’t know why. She’ll blame it on surface things like your dirty socks and why you “need” HBO.
Making your bed is about the subtext you’re sending out. You are saying you have direction, and you’re going out to conquer. So make your bed, or the only thing you’ll be doing on it is sleeping.
WOMEN: You don’t want him to make the bed. You want him to want to make the bed. How do you do this? Support him in his endeavors and make him feel invincible. Let him know that what he gets up to do every single morning is important and that you’re proud of him. Be consistent and mean it.
DO be humble.
The common thread in all great leaders is humility. When we are humble, we are open. There is space for self-understanding, awareness, and reflection. Only when we have accepted our imperfections can we be truly powerful. Unity is formed, which then builds trust. Trust allows people to feel safe, which creates cohesion, which creates change.
If a leader is self-centered, he are closed. There is no discussion. Only pointed fingers. This does not allow space for understanding or awareness or responsibility. No responsibility means no unity which means no trust, which ultimately means no growth.
MEN: When you think about all the men you respect and admire, how many of them display a sense of superiority, or talk at you instead of to you? You may respect and admire someone’s ability but that does not mean you respect and admire that person.
WOMEN: Don’t confuse humility with a lack of confidence. A man who listens more than speaks, observes first, and responds instead of reacts, may appear insecure and not sure of himself. But he’s actually being open. This ability requires courage. A humble man is a confident man.
DO kiss like you mean it.
Do you remember your first kiss? Of course you do. You know exactly where you were and what you were wearing. You remember wondering if you should use your tongue, and how long you should keep your eyes shut. But what you remember the most isn’t how it went. It’s how you felt. The butterflies in your stomach, the fear in your heart. The feeling you received, the energy you gave back. You don’t remember because you were curious. You remember because you wanted it to mean something.
Do you remember your 2,123rd kiss?
Of course you don’t.
When we kiss someone new, it’s exciting. It’s our first conduit into experiencing the other person intimately. It’s exciting.
Once we’re in a relationship, however, kissing becomes routine. Rarely do we kiss to discover. We forget the meaning behind kissing. Kissing means to express, connect, validate, assure, give, share, and explore.
MEN: Hold her face, touch her lips, look into her soul. Kiss her as if nothing else matters, as if time doesn’t exist, as if it’s the only way you could express yourself.
WOMEN: Kiss him how you want to be kissed. Show, don’t tell. Grab his head, pull his hair, reach deep into his heart with your mouth. Show him how it’s done.
“Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle. “
Kendal’s Note’s on this Article:
Most men are not aware of their impact.
“Most men are oblivious to the emotional destruction they leave behind. And women must raise the bar and set a standard for the kind of men they want in their lives.” WOW, this is so true. Over and over again I am shocked at how little men understand about their impact on other’s emotionally. I would like to blame it on our rape culture or the fact that we have all been raised to put the responsibility on the women for the relationship in many ways, I would also like to stand strong here and say that “No one can hurt you unless you allow them to and that you make your mind up on how you are emotionally impacted by an event, that would be very Byron Katie or Abraham Hicks of me. However, being on the receiving end of this topic and also on the giving end a few times in my life I know that sometimes this is not the case. Sure we have choice as to how we cope and get through and how quickly we decide to put on a smile and move forward, but the emotional destruction that one person (male or female) can leave on another’s path can be detrimental and at very least can put that person into a state of chaos and need for extended healing. It is vital in our relationships with lovers and our children for sure that we do not shun the reality that we play a significant role in emotional harmony and health. Our action CAN and DO effect those in our lives and we have a responsibility to be conscious about what that looks like. Feelings may just be “feelings” but they also are the connection blocks to how our lives play out. It is through our emotional state that we attract our future. Our emotions set our energtic vibration and it here that we create our lives.
So gentlemen, be cautious as to what you set up as expectations. Realize that sex is not the same energy and emotional frequency as scratching your back, for a woman it is emotional and if you want to be a superior man, one who is full of passion and on purpose then sex needs to be emotional for you as well. Learn to connect here and you will find connection EVERYWHERE!!!
Ladies, DO NOT accept a man who say’s “Oop’s, I can’t help it. That is sort of like when your having sex and a guy pauses for second in doggy position and then pulls out and penetrates your ass then says Oop’s my bad wrong hole. Bullshit! A real man needs to take responsibility, needs to become conscious and accept that he may have made a mistake but should want to heal it and do the work to do just this. ” If you ladies are calling into your lives men who are not mature enough to be a real man, then you need to take a moment and really embrace what you as a woman are accepting and feeling (valuing) for yourself. You deserve more!
Arguing, Bullying and Being Creepy Oh My!!!!
Most arguments could be avoided if one party caught their ego at the front end and realized that it takes two to tango. Often women just need to vent and we DO NOT want Mr. Fix it to speak but instead we just need to literally be held. We need not to be made feel small or incapable in these moments and certainly not told that we are acting crazy or hormonal. We get this and we feel horrible already for acting out and opening up at this vulnerable place to our men. But we have to here and there or we will become calloused, cold, aloof and non-feeling. This will only cause us to dis-trust, not feel safe or supported and in the end you will find yourself at the very least in a sexless relationship because we can no longer feel you and our libido and attraction to you will be gone. So it may be easier and better all around if you as a man just learn to “Hold Space.”
If your a Bully, well I got nothing to say other then learn to check your EGO at the door or loose in life in general. If you feel like you need to work on this and many of us do, then studying Kabbalah would be a great start for awakening and healing. And Yoga.
Being Creepy, this is one of those hard things to understand for men. I know that many men just do not understand that they are doing it. But I can tell you that if you are face booking a woman repeatedly or messaging her on a dating site or other and she is not responding then you may have sent out the creepy feel. Its pretty simple, women need and want connection, this means authentic inquiry. Not whats your relationship status and I love you in your first comments. If you are desperate then chances are you are coming across creepy. If you have confidence issues, then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you are easily insulted or are quick to accuse then you most likely are coming across creepy. If you lean in too far when talking to a woman, creepy. If you make comments about our bodies before you are dating us, creepy. If you send a dick pic and we did not ask for it, creepy. If you stand there and stare at us for more then 30 seconds but never walk over and communicate, creepy. If you follow us out of a public place, VERY creepy!!!! And STOP that Shit! Us women want men in our lives and bed’s but we don’t want CREEPY!!!! BULLY or ASSHOLE!
Mirrors, Making Your Bed and Humility. Key’s to Success!
A man who is willing to do the internal work on himself, admit he does not have all the answers and see’s that he needs healing is a man that is aligned with transformation, love and success. The trick is not to just talk about it or think about it but to actually take the steps to achieving this and searching out the people who can help. Your actions ALWAYS speak louder than your words! Remember this!!! Be willing to break your mold repeatedly and GROW!
Kissing!!! Truly the TRUTH About A Man’s Purpose, Passion and Self-Love/Acceptance.
It’s in his kiss is how the song goes and it is so very true. Guys, this is the one thing that can reveal the deeper layers of a man’s being. Its more then how the kiss makes you feel as a woman. It’s about what the kiss is saying about the man. My first husband had bad teeth, he was insecure about lot’s of things. He had lofty goals but did not want to do the work to achieve them. He procrastinated, made excuses and carried anger and resentment. He said so much but not really anything. He said far more then he should about things that were sacred or held in trust but he held back in life and only allowed the surface and ego shit to rule during our marriage. He believed he was dedicated to self growth but in reality he was lazy to it and it scared him much like his power and purpose did. He NEVER would kiss me fully. He never would passionately let me feel him. He would not embrace me and penetrate my whole being with his soul, mind and mouth. I spend 18 years feeling alone and disconnected. Then left.
I currently have a lover of 5 years who from the first kiss bared his soul to me in divine passion. His kiss makes me dripping wet and kick starts my sex no matter how dreary a mood I am in. He always tells me that he loves that I am always smiling. That I am always turned on and laugh so much around him. He tell’s me that I make him feel like a man. Like he can do anything. He grabs me and passionately opens himself to me. He is present and on purpose. He is driven in his life in many ways and does not procrastinate. He puts health and play as focus points and takes care of business. He has his set of insecurities but he does not focus on them and he lives life from purpose and and desires instead of allowing the bad stuff that happens to us all to get him down for very long. He is not afraid to share his heart and emotions, but also does not allow them to carry him off.
It’s in his kiss ladies and gent’s. And if you want to know where a man is at with his purpose, passion and self-love/acceptance and even his presence level then here is where you can figure it out!
If you are not penetrating her and making her weak at the knee’s with your kiss then look back at how you feel about yourself, life, where you are at and what you are doing and go do the internal work as well as the physical work to change this. Don’t just think your a bad kisser and need lesson’s. What you need is PURPOSE! Find yours and open.
Let me preface this by saying I’m part of this group, too. Just because I’m a licensed therapist doesn’t mean I don’t need therapy. I have many, many things to work on, one of which is getting back into therapy.
Full disclosure: I haven‘t seen a therapist in years. I understand if you think that makes me a hypocrite, but it is my truth. I would rather be honest than pretend to be someone I am not.
Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle.
But here’s what I’ve learned from both my personal and professional experiences. Growth is not a light switch. It’s a lifestyle, something we must thread into our daily lives. And therapy can be the needle to guide that thread.
We have to let go of what we can’t control and just focus on our own shit.
I believe all men need therapy, including myself. Here are four of the most compelling reasons:
1. This generation doesn’t clearly define the male identity.
You might argue that this lack of definition is about the culture of 2015. Society had a strong definition of “the ideal man” in the ′20s, ′40s, ′50s, etc. But I believe it has to do with the fact that we live in a fatherless nation.
More than ever, our fathers are either physically absent or emotionally unavailable. So, how does a son learn who he is as he crosses into manhood? He doesn’t. The shadow of a suggestion of an identity he struggles after is one learned through advertising, media, and coping.
I worked as a therapist in residential treatment for about six years. I treated teens struggling with addiction, and the vast majority of them had an absent father. The boys clung to me, desperate for a positive male role model. They wanted a guide, a mentor, a man to teach them about life — what all boys crave at that age. I know I did. When deprived of that, they try to fill the void in unhealthy ways.
Therapy is a safe space for men who grew up with absent dads (most of us) to process the loss we’ve suffered, whether we realize it or not, and to create a new, healthy definition of what it means to be a man.
2. Therapy helps you find tools that will exponentially improve your relationships.
Generally speaking, men tend to maneuver more on a logical plane and women on an emotional one. Many men struggle to express their feelings, eventually leaving their partner in the dark, resulting in the two being separated by the unspoken issue(s) between them. Eventually, they grow apart.
I see this all the time in the couples I coach: Men tend to go to “fix-it” mode instead of expressing themselves and holding a safe space for their partner. They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles.
Since therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles. Once we have the ability to express ourselves, we can stop trying to fix it. Instead, we can be present, and create a safe space for our partner to talk to us. Then confrontations can turn into healthy conversations, creating closeness, trust, and stronger relationships.
Seeing a therapist doesn’t mean you have problems. It means you want to be a healthier version of yourself. It just means adding more tools to your toolbox. These tools will translate directly into your relationship.
Your partner will see the difference in you and may be inspired to go on his or her own journey. Now we have two pistons pumping. Translation: You’ve stopped the tug-of-war and started to move in the same direction. This is the only way to improve a relationship.
It’s never about the other person. It’s about you.
3. It’s the only way a lot of men ever learn to stop trying to fix everything.
Men tend to think they can do everything by themselves. Not necessarily because of ego. It’s a pressure we put on ourselves to take care of the people we care about. When it comes to relationships, sometimes we don’t realize that we are only 50 percent of the equation.
By thinking we can fix it, we can easily cross the line into controlling behavior without even knowing it. That means we have to let go of what we can’t control, and just focus on our own shit. This is what therapy is all about. Therapists are trained to keep the focus on the client so they can take ownership of their own issues and let go of other people’s.
I believe that with this mindset, the dynamic of the relationship will shift. There will be a lot less pressure and a lot more trust. Of course, women can do the same.
But from coaching hundreds of women, I’ve learned that the majority want their man to take the lead. It gives them hope and builds trust. Then they become inspired to work on anything they need to work on.
We get into a chess game with each other, subconsciously. We won’t change or work on ourselves unless the other person does too. But the only thing that grows in that dynamic is anger and resentment. It’s never about the other person. It’s about you, the kind of person you want to be, and what you want to bring to the relationship.
4. We have a responsibility to be better men than our fathers were.
I know it’s 2015, and much progress has been made. But men still tend to shy away or get embarrassed about seeing therapists. There’s a pervasive misconception that therapy is for people with “real problems.” So, men just talk to their friends, who are biased, and can’t advise them with the same experience, perspective, or authority. Men tend to associate “treatment” with weakness. I think we believe that if we see a therapist, we are admitting defeat. We are admitting we can’t fix it on our own. That last part is true. We can’t. But that’s okay.
Imagine if men went to therapy as much as they go to the gym. How many relationships would be saved? How many sons would have a healthier definition of manhood? And how many daughters would have higher self-esteem and a sharper radar when it came to boys? Imagine how much pain and destruction we could avoid. Then tell me it’s not a good idea.