So many people that I’ve had conversations with have told me that they are seeking balance in their life. I decided to go look up the word balance on dictionary.com. It read a state of equilibrium. Searching further equilibrium means a state of rest due to the equal action of opposing forces. When you have two or more opposing forces that are exerting equal action you can develop balance. As we move through our daily lives we have more than 2 opposing forces at any one time. Rarely do these forces exert equal action or force. So if you can only have balance with opposing forces exerting equal force then the realization of balance never develops.
How many times have we been faced with opposing thoughts(forces)? Here’s an example that we’ve all faced. I have to go to work, however, I’d much rather stay home and spend time with a loved one. These are not applying equal action on us. If the need for money is greater it will exert greater force. If the need for connection with the loved one is greater than the need of money then taking the day off would be exerting greater force. Balance or equilibrium needs opposing forces to be created. Opposing forces create a duality within us. That duality rarely ever has equal action on both sides, there for balance is missed and our lives are lopsided. Like that shopping cart with the one flat spot on the wheel that goes clunk clunk clunk as we walk through the grocery store.
Whats the alternative then? Harmony.
Again going back to dictionary.com harmony means a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arragment of parts. When we move away from trying to get opposing forces to exert equal action at the same time, we can start to build harmony in our lives. Instead of dealing with the duality of opposing forces, build your life so there is agreement with all the different forces in your life. I will go to work today and then take my loved one out for a nice dinner, or make a nice dinner. Even when something is out of balance it can still be in harmony. That shopping cart that I mentioned earlier. If you are out of balance and out of harmony with your life that constant clunk might push you to the point of madness.
However, if you are out of balance AND in harmony you might notice that that clunk is in perfect time with the music playing in the store and smile. Some that I have talked to want to find balance for every aspect of their life. This is mostly impossible. Just take gender as an example I hear people all the time state they want to balance their masculine and feminine energy. These are opposing forms of energy. Very complementary but opposite. Whether you are male or female you have both energies within you. However they are rarely ever to the point that they are applying or exerting equal action in your life so then how can you balance them. Working to get the masculine and feminine to be in harmony though, that’s beautiful. They no longer have to be exerting equal action. You could be 75% feminine and 25% masculine and still be in harmony. The energies working in harmony to create the consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts or energies in this case. You give up the battle of duality of trying to be 50% feminine and 50% masculine.
As you start to apply the harmony principle to your life you will start to find that things may come into balance naturally. Harmony allows us to take a step back from the constant battle of duality. It allows us to build ONE life that flows by taking these forces and into a simultaneous combination. Where each force becomes a note on the music of your life. A piece of music that you are the author of.
What do you want the music of your life to sound like?
Read more from this Daka/Soul Coach HERE
Learn more about Alexander Brighton and his unique approach to healing through the “I AM Experience”
The human body is a sexual pleasure machine, and the female body even more so than the male. That may seem surprising if your concept of someone’s ‘level of sexuality’ is determined by their ‘level of libido’. We’re rather too libido-oriented in this society. The general belief is that sex is a response to feeling horny. Along with that belief comes the implicit assumption that the hornier you feel, the better sex will be.
Since women have bought into this model and believe that they should be horny before they have sex, given that women’s sexuality isn’t the ‘gagging-for-it’ type: they tend to give up, they don’t do what it takes to get in the mood, generally thinking that there’s something wrong with them (if they’ve got low self-esteem) or claiming they’re ‘normal’, declaring that ‘women don’t like sex’ and their parter is ‘sex-crazed’ (if they’re more assertive).
It’s true that women tend to have libidos like men. Women’s sexuality is not hormonally driven, it’s contextual. It depends so much on how a woman is feeling and what’s going on for, that determnes if she’s open and receptive to sex, not necessarily ‘horny’.
Once a women allows herself to get into the mood, and approaches sex in a more female-friendly way (ie not trying to be like a man) – wow, the places she can go! Because when it comes to the response side of sex (as opposed to the desire side) – well, women are far more superior then men!
Women can have orgasms that are more intense, more frequent and last longer than men’s. On top of the standard clitoral orgasm, which is similar in physiology and feel to the male ejaculatory orgasm, women can have orgasms through vaginal stimulation, g-spot (actually the urethral sponge) stimulation, AFE-spot stimulation, cervical stimulation, anal stimulation, nipple stimulation, in fact, from virtually any part of their body, and even without physical touch (either by being in the presence of a man who’s very present in his masculinity, or by bringing yourself to orgasm through breath and visualisation). Women can have multiple orgasms, wet orgasms (more commonly known by the dreadful male-centric term: female ejaculation), full body orgasms, and can stay in ecstatic states of arousal for very long periods of time.
Unfortuantely, most people don’t even realise what women’s sexual potential is. After a few decades of wondering why women are so sexual dysfunctional because they don’t function sexually like men, Western scientific research is only now starting to acknowledge that women’s sexuality is different. But it’s still way off realising just how wonderfully different women’s sexuality is.
Fortunately some people (like me!) are exploring beyond the boring limits of conventional models of sex in the West, taking on board the wisdom of older sexual traditions, such as the Tantric and Taoist, and doing a lot of personal research: I know all this is possible because I experience it.
When women realise it’s possible, they can start to experience it. When women have sexual responses like this, when they go to heaven, they take their man their with them. There is nothing a man likes more than to give his women this level of sexual pleasure. It satisfies him to his very core. It makes him feel like a Real Man. He may not be able to experience the level of feeling that she can, but he can feel fantastic for getting her there.
Female sexual response is extraordinary. It takes a while to get there, but like all good things, it takes time. The more time and attention you pay to something, generally the better the outcome.
Throw away the limiting beliefs, expand your possibilities to so much more – open yourself up to your glorious potential!
Original Posting On The Tantra Fusion Blog
“When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly, I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly. She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy. I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore.
Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears.
I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart. That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead. My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push through with the divorce.— At least, in the eyes of our son—- I’m a loving husband….
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves.
So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
Let me start by telling you a bit about me, I’m a shy person by nature and have spent my life giving to others. I love helping other people out so much that it has become what I do for a living. I manage a help desk helping customers and employees all day everyday. I also support or help support 4 different families in my personal life. So let me assure you I was not prepared for the precious moments with Kendal where this amazing, beautiful, loving woman focused entirely on me. Even from the first time I met her at our consultation I was relaxed and comfortable. She has a way of making you feel OK to just be yourself without expectations.
When I first arrived at her office I was tense with a lot of anxiety about our session, stepping into the sacred space she created it washed away almost instantly. We talked for a brief time which put me further at ease. She then invited me to place my hands on her Heart Chakra while she did the same to mine, the breathing exercises we did inspired a deep trust in her and that she really was interested in helping and healing me fully.
I have been diagnosed with Guillain-Barre Syndrome which makes any contact to my feet extremely painful. Which I was very nervous about since the next step in our session was a ceremonial foot bathing. I was pleasantly surprised at how warm and loving her touch was, at the slightest touch I felt as if my entire foot were surrounded by warm energy that soothed the pain and for the first time in 8 months my feet were not hurting. The energy felt like it extended a few inches off all sides of my feet and was warm, almost globular, it was like nothing else I have ever experienced.
At this point I stood again and she asked permission to remove my clothing she did so softly and with incredible grace. Once disrobed she invited me to lay face down while she checked my chakras. Even this was an experience worth having. Once she had the energy information she needed she worked on freeing up tense blocked energy spots through out my back, legs and feet. I’ve had my fair share of massages and I must say that the overwhelming intent to heal makes an amazing difference, it was the greatest massage I have ever gotten. Her hands worked with such love and skilled precision. She then asked if I would like to roll over onto my back, once comfortable again she worked on the energy of my chest, arms, legs, and feet again.
Just when I did not think I could get anymore out of the time with her, she asked if it would be ok if I rolled back over and she removed the drape that was over me. At this point the session got more sensual but not in the typical way you might think,
it was about love and caring not about lust and sex. If you have not experienced this type of compassion I can assure you that you are missing out on one of the greatest things we as humans can offer each other. As she was working in freeing up the flow of my energy through my entire body I sensed what I can only categorize as a burst of energy that filled the room and was impossible to ignore. I knew something had changed and it didn’t come from within me. As I lay there soaking in this new energy her upper body came in contact with me and I felt the warmth of her skin on my body. It drove me deeper into the sensations she was bringing out of me already. As the energy she was radiating and the energy welling up in me combined I fell a state of complete peace and acceptance.
She asked if I was ready to roll back over onto my back. She again skillfully, lovingly worked the energies in the room, both mine and hers to bring me to a new understanding of the being that I truly am. As she massaged my lingam I could feel the energy coalesce, building and building till I was almost on the verge of releasing it, just before I did; as if that energy was some physical substance she could capture in her hand and direct she motioned her fingers up the center of my chest making it radiate through out my entire being. I felt as if I could feel every tiny cell in my body and they were all electrified with my sexual energy. My body vibrated with new life and the only way I can think to describe it would have to be complete and total full body bliss! As this sensation started to dissipate (although it never completely did) she started it building again and once again as a true master of her arts she assisted me in letting it release thorough out my body once again. This time however I was overcome with it and my body literal started shaking with the pleasure. When I finally did release that energy from my being I was in total awe of not only her and her abilities but of the truly amazing energy I had just been shown that I have within me and always have. She finished our session with more body work to help calm the energy and ease me into a state of bliss.
If you are considering visiting with Kendal the best advise I could think to give you would be to go into it with an open heart and give yourself permission to relax and enjoy the time you have with this amazing, beautiful woman. Do not place yourself into a confined box, you may not have the same experience I had but if you are truly open to your session you will have the experience you need and I really do believe that.
In closing I would like to say; Kendal you are a beautiful, loving, and energetic soul and thank you from the bottom of my heart, I will never forget my first experience with tantra.
With love -John
Throwing my almost naked body down on the bed, hair still wet from the shower I feel frustration, rage and sadness fighting with each other for their turn on my internal microphone. Tears rolling down my cheeks unstoppable…
“Girl, pull yourself together, “I say softly but firmly out loud to myself.
Moments before I stood in front of a mirror unable to even see myself. Ego had cast its ugly veil over my eyes. Unconscious of the very acts my physical body had made I found myself trapped in a vicious cyclone of thoughts. The internal witness finding herself running away with ego quick in toe. The witness becoming out of breath, fearful of being trampled and swallowed up by Satan (ego). Looking over witness’s shoulder one may see ego in rage, tears pouring down, yelling out remberences of negative events from a time gone by. As ego chases, the distance between lessons. Here and there ego grabs one trash bag after another full of past regrets, pains, traumas, and broken promises and lost hope. How is it possible for ego to carry and drag all this dark garbage and yet still gain on witness who runs toward the light of restriction?
Welcome to the land of ego!
And even better welcome to land of the female ego.
The disgusting swamp land of a woman’s rage is no place to hang out. It is a well of utter misery and any man who has ever tried to swim in these waters knows that it does not end good. Yet our husbands, beloveds, boyfriends and lovers even son’s or fathers sometimes try to logically ‘fix’ what we well divers do not want fixed. We understand that it is like having the anti-Christ in our kitchen yelling at us. Our irrational ego’s manifest destruction as we are forced to sit by the side lines and watch our love being shattered like a mirror.
Each moment our ego has control of our steering wheel we find ourselves thrown around another painful corner of memory. Unable to stop. This may appear as insanity to our men, it may appear as though we are ungrateful or truly unhappy. Some may actually believe we need medicine for our crazy spells. Amazingly none of this is true. Plates may be flying, fists pounding, breath gasping and hurtful words crossing our lips but if we are present enough in our spirit, we recognize that we are actually only truly fearful of opening up to love. We are scared of our own hearts and the path that they are presenting. Our constriction of self-love allows the deception of ego to pass over the threshold of our mind, body, soul connection.
David Deida would say, “If you open as you are now, a spacious and tender love abides, — the openness that is feeling — even if your body aches or your lover has spurned you. If you close now, turning in on yourself in an effort to avoid exposure, then you suffer your own separative cramp, even if you are surrounded by love.”
This separation causes a ripple effect in our lives. Sometimes the ripples last moments and sometimes they last life times. Some ripples are so strong that they rip apart our relationships and cause wounds that fester within our energetic fields. Should the internal witness be able to out run Satan (the ego) and find sanctuary in the light of restriction then we find ourselves turning to a new place within. One that many rarely walk in, we may feel we walk in this green pasture of restriction often but more than likely we are truly suppressing our feelings and actually not restricting our ego. If this is the case we will “feel” a nagging feeling in the pit of our stomach, a heavy sensation in our chest or even a hammer pounding in our heads. When we suppress what we are feeling instead of opening into the feeling and accepting it fully as us while restricting our ego response we again cause the ripple effect of separation, thus causing a volcanic eruption of misery to fall on us another day.
Now men have this same event happening to them, the main difference between the male ego and a female is this: WE WOMEN LOVE OUR LUGGAGE! Therefore we always make sure to have plenty of suitcases. All shapes and sizes. We are not good at parting with our hope chests or our scrapbooks.
I mean think about it, have you ever traveled with a woman who came unprepared for anything? How many pairs of shoes does one need for a two day trip anyway? LOL
Our internal luggage is the same! And we always have a few empty bags stashed somewhere just for YOU! And YOU… and YOU too!
On top of that we are very systematic about our packing. We organize our emotions and thoughts like we do our suitcases. Perhaps we pack each possible outfit needed as though we were getting ready to put it on or we make sure to keep all our panties over here, our shirts here and skirts/pants over there. Even a messy packer has a system to their madness…
Men, well they may pack better in some cases but they NEVER plan for all possibilities. They are more like a streamlined filing system. Only keep a hardcopy of what is absolutely necessary and even of that only keeping the cliff-notes version.
So when the ego of man and woman meet on the dance floor, you can always bet that the woman has her purse with her!
How do the sex’s deal with this bitch called EGO?
First it is up to man to have the courage, the balls to stand in the fire of woman. Then he must be willing to see her in love even when she is being hateful and ugly. If he manages to do this, he must then guard himself from himself. From what he believes is himself, that is. He must recognize and restrict his actions and words when they are coming from the dark-side. He must breathe into his belly and feel from his heart. Often woman will take this moment to test her man, she will probe him like he is her personal science specimen. She will open a suitcase or two or three and see what she can dig up on him. She will attack with minor forces at first and slowly pull in the big guns. A man has to know this. He has to know that his cliff-notes version does not hold a candle to her library. The male ego does not like this, but in these times your heart center, your love for her has to mean more then the attempt on the battle field. If you fall prey to her attacks you will run the risk of depolarizing your relationship in some way. Although it may seem minor at first this depolarization of the masculine/feminine will grow and in the end you will lose intimacy and connection. Perhaps forever!
As women, we must recognize our ego and how it is using our thoughts to create our emotions. How it is playing a movie with a bad ending for our personal misery in these moments. We may feel supported in our actions and words by our ego and the recognition of these repetitive cycles we are seeing in our man, but if we can STOP right here (even if our mouths are still moving), if we can stop our spirit from drinking the kool-aide of ego and pause, then we can allow space to form. When we allow space to form we allow our internal witness to move in. This witness (that man and woman both have, i.e. soul or true self/consciousness) can see the real lesson of the event unfolding. Our consciousness will be able to slowly restrict back ego and see the illusions that ego has painted for just that. Illusions.
When man and woman come into this new space of consciousness they naturally awaken to a deeper level of love. They allow themselves to be vulnerable, to fully feel what they are feeling and to not take each other so seriously. It is possible to have what might seem a nasty verbal fight in ego and have both parties consciously witnessing the drama play out but not attach to anything being said or even felt. Similar to going to the movies.
Through recognition, pausing and restriction we again find unconditional love for each other and for ourselves.
The ego may be a bitch but she has purpose in the school of life!
She is here to test our love for self and to be the coach we desperately need to strengthen our light forces. But much like anything that can accumulate too much power, she must NEVER be handed the golden key to our city gates.
Vaginal pain is the number one reason why marriages are unconsummated, but treating and healing this condition is possible. Tinamarie discusses this all-to-common problem and reveals publically for the first time her experiences with a sexually debilitating condition.
For years, I thought I was a one of a kind freak, not knowing that there was a name for what ailed me or that twenty million American women suffering from the same condition. In my case, I can’t remember when it started, though by the time I was in my early thirties it had gone on for years and wrecked havoc with my sex life, self-esteem and marriage.
After that union dissolved, I recall crying to my therapist that as far as I was concerned, nothing bigger than a Q-tip was going to go near my tender parts ever again. As for orgasms, and their usual sidekicks like kissing, holding, touch and pleasure, my body was destined to perpetual skin-hunger.
Little did I know that healing was a few orgasms away…
Closed for Pleasure
First, however, I had to understand the etiology of my diagnosis, vulvar vestibulitis (say that three times fast), which is just one a form of dyspareunia (pain upon penetrative sex). Sex that hurts for whatever reason is more prevalent than once thought – three in fifty adult women worldwide will be diagnosed – making dyspareunia almost as common as diabetes (8.6 percent) and cervical cancer (7.9 percent), though you are pressed to find many open discussions about the causes, treatments and cures of sex that hurts.
Seriously, who wants to admit their vagina had become a Do Not Enter zone? Sonia Borg, PhD, a clinical sexologist sex educator and author of several books including the upcoming Marathon Sex: Incredible Lovemaking Experiences Hotter and Longer Than You’ve Ever Done It Before (Quiver Books, January 2012), points out that for many, talking about sex is simply taboo. When it comes to sexual dysfunctions, confessions are rarer still.
“Talking about personal problems that we don’t know how to fix or manage can bring up emotions that are simply too overwhelming,” Borg explains. “Also, some imagined implications may be that the partner is being hurtful, insensitive, or that the couple just doesn’t know how to do it, ‘right.’”
This was the hardened terrain that stymied me from seeking help. When I wasn’t grimacing during sex, I’d yelp, push my husband off of me, and learned to live without affection, tampons and tight jeans. For six years, shame silenced me, though really, I’m a lucky one. Most women’s private hell lasts an average of 10 years before they find answers and relief. Remissions are common, causes are speculative at best — sexual assault, pelvic surgery, guilt and allergies are all implicated culprits — and through it all, the agony is very, very real.
I might have endured life with VV until my labia withered, except on a lark — a rare sexual encounter — I got pregnant and could no longer avoid the speculum or the fact that something was very, very amiss with my body. My doctor, Dr. Lissa Rankin diagnosed me with the q-tip test (This involves using the sterilized tip to gently touch the vestibular glands just past the opening of the vagina. These glands produce vaginal lubrication, and just touching them with a q-tip can recreate the pelvic inferno). This was the start of a slow recovery that included buying sex toys (doctor’s orders!), and learning to be honest with myself, and future lovers.
Most importantly, my yoni was whispering something to me, one vaginal clench at a time, and it was time I paid attention to my secret erotic self if I ever wanted to experience bliss again.
I Heart My Vagina
Dr. Rankin is one of the rare medical voices who acknowledges how little medicine knows about painful sex or that the common treatments offer limited help. There is, “no quick fix, no pill to swallow, no surgery to cure the pain, no magic wand to make things different,” Rankin has written about her decade long bout with painful sex. “I knew I would have to do the work. But I also knew my condition was 100 percent curable,” she explained, “If I was brave enough to do whatever it would take.”
The scariest part of that journey was acknowledging that my body knew something long before I did — my relationship was toxic. Fear and resentment were the wrong bedfellows for any viable marriage, though these two had taken up residence before VV came knocking on the door. Spiritually speaking, I was bankrupt, and if my brain refused to acknowledge the obvious, my hooch was keen on setting the record straight. Move on, my dear, she was saying, to loving pastures.
In a world that separates the soulful from the sexual and heaps on piles of guilt for enjoying the latter, it’s understandable that for many women, one common denominator is often “some form of sexual guilt,” says Borg who has worked with clients experiencing painful intercourse.
“We all have programming buried deep in our subconscious (which never forgets) and some of that programming no longer serves us.” It could be as simple as a parent teaching a child that ‘sex is naughty,’ she explains. “The child grows into an adult, with normal natural desires for sex. The adult now lives those desires out, but there are emotionalized triggers, which can turn a normally pleasurable experience into a painful one.”
While we use different language — I view the prism of my healing through a spiritual lens — the outcome is the same. “The subconscious mind has its own language and one of the ways it communicates is by showing signs and symptoms in the body,” says Borg.
Putting Pussy First
Over the years, I’ve spoken to a number of women, many of whom were healed almost ‘magically’ by discarding a relationship that no longer served them. In many cases, these are women who, like me, developed an, ‘allergic emotional reaction’ to an intimate partner. Once the relationship was dissolved we found of inner wantonness, and learned to pay attention to our bodies, knowing that pleasure is a corporal blessing. Honor our bodies, honor ourselves could be the motto for any woman post-diagnosis seeking to keep VV in remission.
I cannot imagine how difficult it might be for women whose experiences with painful sex are a result of sexual assault, violence, abuse and surgery; though Borg points out that regardless of etiology, sexual wounds can all respond to conscious love. “We are holistic and energetic beings so everything affects everything else,” she points out.
It sounds cliché yet it’s true. Vulvar vestibulitis launched my erotic journey from sexual starvation to satisfaction. Listening to what my body was aching for helped me rediscover how important a robust sexuality is to emotional, physical and spiritual wellbeing. Against the backdrop of a culture that thrusts sex upon us, and glorifies physicality at the expense sometimes of real intimacy, VV helped me connect my primal needs with sacred sensuality.
After all, the soul craves ecstasy too and oftentimes our inner Goddess is just picky about whom she wants to explore it with.
Image from Lightworkers.org
When I booked what was to be my fifth massage with Kendal, she asked me what kind of session I was interested in receiving. I asked for her recommendation, adding that I was open to creativity. I had never been previously disappointed with Kendal’s services, in fact, quite the opposite. She had always far surpassed my expectations. Knowing she possesses an unusually creative mind, I felt sure she would have something special planned for me.
As is normally the case before arriving at my sessions, the anticipation of being under the care of Kendal’s skillful hands is one of my most favorite things to look forward to. I arrived and entered her session room and, as my eyes adjusted to the peaceful candlelit darkness in the room, was received with a warm smile, a sincere hug and pleasant conversation. Kendal works hard to create an inviting sense of well being from the very start.
I looked around the room and noticed the usual massage table was missing and in its place saw a thick sheet-covered mat on the floor. We spent a few quiet minutes talking about everyday life. She then told me that she would like to give me a Thai-Tantra Bodywork session. I have learned to surrender myself to Kendal’s plans for me – she always seems to be in tune with my spirit. She then came face-to-face with me and took my hands in hers and laid them on her chest. She asked me to take seven deep breaths while she checked my chakra with her hands, noticing those areas of my body that might need special care or muscles that seemed tight. Just the experience of breathing deep relaxed me immensely. Feeling her energy close to mine brought a sense of calm that was instantly comforting.
She removed my clothes and asked me to do likewise with her clothing. She then instructed me to sit down with her on the mat. Facing me, she draped her legs over mine and leaned into me asking me to again take several deep breaths. This was the beginning of my transformation. In an instant I was one with her in intimacy, skin to skin – not so much sexually at this point – but feeling a closeness that was nurturing and wholesome. As we sat together in silence, I could smell her skin and feel her breath as her hands gently glided over my body.
After several minutes in this position, she moved behind me and leaned back against a pillow at the base of the wall. She then asked me to lie back and put my entire weight against her warm body. My form melted into hers as her soft hands caressed my shoulders, stomach, arms and face from behind. I couldn’t help but continue to take deep breaths since it seemed natural in this peaceful and loving position. I remember resigning any shyness or hesitancy to Kendal’s loving embraces and caresses.
Completely at peace, I could have remained with her in this position, but after several minutes was asked to lie on the mat choosing either face down for face up. I chose face down. Kendal moved the bowl of hot coconut oil close to the mat and I lay down completely relaxed and ready to receive her loving attention.
The instant Kendal’s magic hands dipped into the hot oil and dripped it onto my skin I was in rapture. She was sitting to one side on the mat as her hands firmly glided up my back to my neck and shoulders and down my arms to the tips of my fingers and back again. Cupping more hot oil in her hands she massaged my buttocks, working down my legs to my feet and toes. Kendal’s entire body moved in tandem with her hands allowing her long blonde hair to occasionally brush over me – a sensation that I found incredibly sensuous. By this point, every nerve in my skin was alive, every muscle met with perfect pressure. Because the mat was on the floor Kendal easily moved to any position over me where she could best perform her magic.
I was reminded that she too was naked when parts of Kendal’s body – her arms, breasts, thighs, legs and stomach gently connected and slid over my body. Still on my stomach, she used her strong, sensitive hands to work the muscles of my inner thighs causing me to become immediately aroused. Just when I thought it was not possible to feel any more connected with her, she slid her oiled body completely on top of mine and lay quietly with me for a minute or so. I remember being overcome with peace and, at the same time, intense desire.
She worked her fingers around my buttocks, along my perineum and into the delicate folds of my scrotum, reaching under me and between my legs to slide her hand up the front of my groin teasing my lingam and heightening my arousal to new levels. She then asked me to turn over and lie on my back.
I placed my head on a pillow as she poured hot oil onto my body and, using her sensitive hands and strong forearms, skillfully concentrated on particular muscles. By now I was fully aroused. Occasionally, her fingers, or hair would lightly brush my lingam sending electricity through my entire body. When she had carefully attended to every part – neck, chest stomach, thighs, calves and feet – she poured hot oil directly on my lingam and scrotum and began the most delicious sensual massage I have ever experienced. I could see her beautiful form in the subtle candlelight as she focused on my total arousal and pleasure, bringing me several times to the brink of ejaculation only to move her hands away to rub my chest and legs – prolonging my ecstasy.
Finally, I gave in to her skillful caresses and exploded with a force uncommon to me. I recall telling Kendal afterwards as I lay on her mat how amazing she is and that I couldn’t remember feeling so completely relaxed. Even after ejaculation, Kendal continued to gently massage me from head to toe as we talked about this incredible experience and the heightened awareness she created using my own sensuality. After about 10 minutes, she wrapped the sheet around me and carefully absorbed the massage oils. Even this was an act of love. Loving is a good word to describe Kendal. What she does is so much more than sensual – it is healing, nurturing and giving.
She dressed me and got herself dressed. Before I left, I embraced her for about 20 seconds, one of my favorite parts of the experience, and reluctantly stepped out of her room back into my bright world with a sense of satisfaction that is hard to describe – already thinking about scheduling my next session. Once again, I am filled with anticipation.
***Notes from Kendal:
This session is for qualifying Extraordinary Gentlemen ONLY. There are no sexual connections happening or mutual touching. This is a very deep interspective expereince for the client where he may touch his inner child, feel nurtured and unconditionally loved while at the same time expereince internal desires and passions awakening as he learns to release emotional and psychological blockages that might be negatively effecting his life in a multitude of ways. This session is also not always done with the practitioner being nude.
We’re on the brink of going back to the future in medicine.
Stem cells, genes and transplants are getting the headlines, but the bigger story may be that medicine is advancing beyond the biomedical model and embracing medical pluralism.
The overwhelming trend is the integration of orthodox medicine, defined by its pharmaceuticals and invasive techniques, with other ancient, old-fashioned and unconventional healing practices.
The future of medicine, it seems, is not only in the high-tech laboratory and the surgical suite but also on the NST and massage tables, at the herbalists and the health food store, behind the therapist’s closed door, but most especially in the cerebral hemisphere ã the mind.
This week’s edition of Annals Of Internal Medicine, the August journal of the conservative American College of Physicians-American Society of Internal Medicine, kicks off an unprecedented series on complementary and alternative medicine.
And they take the subject seriously, referring to “postmodern medical diversity.” It’s probably the first time that Haitian “vodun”, hair analysis, crystals, magnets and charismatic healing have all been mentioned without derision in the pages of Annals.
Authored by David Eisenberg, MD, and Ted Kaptchuk, OMD (Doctor of Oriental Medicine) of Harvard Medical School and its division of complementary and integrative medical therapies, the series considers everything from acupuncture to iridology to chicken soup to Reiki to vitamins to “ethno-medicine.”
“The alternative medicine `boom’ is not new,” Kaptchuk says. “What’s new is that orthodox medicine has abandoned the crusade against alternative medicine and is trying to accommodate widespread patient belief and acceptance of these practices.”
MDs are unlikely to suddenly start recommending copper bracelets to combat arthritis or stopping a nosebleed by placing a a red string around the neck, but they are acknowledging that a patient’s belief in healing properties may be just as powerful in many medical situations as the interventions of the physician.
In this week’s issue of the journal Science, there’s stunning testimony from University of British Columbia researchers about how the mind can heal the body. Their study suggests that the placebo effect in Parkinson’s disease produces the same neurological outcome as active drugs used to treat Parkinson’s: an increase in dopamine release by neurons impaired by the disease.
The placebo effect occurs when individuals take an inactive substance, rather than an active drug, and experience beneficial effects only because they believe they’re receiving beneficial treatment.
“The magnitude of the placebo effect was surprising,” admits UBC researcher Ral de la Fuente-Ferny¥ndez. “The greater the expectation, the greater the effect of the mind’s healing power.”
He adds, “This paper shows that there must be a bridge between traditional medicine and natural medicine.”
In studies of the impact of psychological therapies on longevity in patients with metastatic cancers, Ontario Cancer Institute senior scientist Alastair Cunningham found an association between intense spiritual work and longer survival.
“The psychological dimension offers promise for the treatment of many physical diseases,” writes Cunningham in the forthcoming issue of Advances In Mind-Body Medicine, an innovative, peer-reviewed scholarly journal published in the U.S.
“Modern medicine is conservative,” says Cunningham. “My approach is to try to play on the medical playing field and give evidence.”
Scientific, evidence-based proof of the placebo effect and the psychological dimension is only one reason for the dramatic shift right now toward inclusiveness and away from the historical antagonism to alternative practices by the medical establishment, say the Annals authors.
“People generally adopt multiple healing practices, even when biomedicine is generally available,” note the Annals authors.
This sheer force of numbers comes at the same time as a trend toward consumer-oriented medicine and away from “doctor knows best.”
More and more, the increasingly sophisticated patient is an educated partner in medical decisions. Knowledgeable health consumers are letting the medical profession know they want inclusive medicine.
The medical profession is responding for two reasons. First, there’s money to be made from patients, since most alternative services must be paid for privately.
But with the US leading the way, there’s also more funding for alternative and complementary medicine. American researchers vie for grants from the prestigious National Institutes of Health’s Office of Alternative Medicine. And insurance providers such as HMOs in the US are beginning to realize that alternative practices can be just as effective and a lot cheaper than expensive high-tech interventions.
But what may appear to be new and cutting-edge is only a change in perception and attitude by orthodox medicine, maintains Harvard’s Kaptchuk, co-author of the Annals article.
“I’m so bored with people being hypocritical and pretending that all this is new, rather than saying that they’ve changed standards,” he says. “That’s a kind of distortion, not looking at the reality of the phenomena. It’s the response that’s different. What is new is that conventional medicine has to redefine its relationship to this phenomena.”
Kaptchuk claims that orthodox medicine’s nascent inclusiveness of complementary and alternative medicine is “a breathless attempt to co-opt it.”
“It’s market-driven,” he says, with distaste. His cynicism is understandable.
“In 1970 I was arrested in Cambridge (Mass.) for practicing medicine without a license,” Kaptchuk says. “Now I’m a professor at Harvard Medical School.”
Authored by Judy Gerstel
The Star.com August 10, 2001
What magnificent men we can be!
An important aspect of the journey for almost every woman who comes to share a healing journey with us, is reclaiming her Yoni. Establishing a relationship and taking back a part of herself, that was mostly separate from the rest of her being.
This is very different from men’s relationship with their Lingam (Penis), so I always thought. Last week, I had a revelation about this. Men don’t have an emotional relationship with their Lingam. The connection is functional, at best it includes a level of pleasure which is mostly external, and is filled with “Macho Mythology”. This relationship is also and often run through with anxiety and fear.
It’s true that through sheer body geography men have a more direct and easier relationship with their genitals. We touch it more in the course of a day, in ways that have nothing to do with sex. It’s external, more visible than a Yoni. We see it, we’re aware of it.
Intellectually aware, recognition aware.
Not emotionally aware.
For most men, sex is a genital experience. It’s body limited, all the sensation is in the Lingam and the pelvis. Occasionally there’s a heart connection, but that’s external. That’s the connection with a partner.
But it’s not with my own heart. There’s no tenderness, there’s no gentleness, there’s no sensuality in terms of My Self, and My Lingam. Me as a sexual and sensual being in my own right.
The ownership is goal oriented, erection and orgasm. Which is functional.
We’ve made it emotional by saying that when we’ve done that, when we’ve achieved that, that’s the sexual expression of being a man fulfilled.
The fear and anxiety of size, performance and pressure to please a partner is all directed outwards. We haven’t taken emotional ownership of ourselves as sexual beings.
The impact of this, is limitation, severe limitation of our feelings, our sensations, and our experiences. Full body orgasms, multiple orgasms, expanded orgasmic states, Lingam Heart opening, Slow Union, melting orgasms, sexual meditation, all of these are inaccessible. They’re for women, and a few weird Tantric dudes.
We can have so much more, much deeper, more satisfying and more fulfilling experiences. For Ourselves. We can know much more of ourselves, express and experience more of ourselves. Which allows us to share more with our partners.
Which allows what’s between us, what we touch, feel and share, to expand.
For there to be more between us, because there’s more within us.
What magnificent men we can be!
Learn more about Jonti Searll and the workshops/sessions he guides at Tantra Evolution
This testimony was shared with me today from a very special client of mine. A divine man opening to his heart and purpose one step at a time. Just in the few energetic bodywork sessions we have done I have seen and felt GREAT changes in his whole being. I am so proud of you Matthew. keep shining and flying free. You DO deserve EVERYTHING!
Chakra Balancing – Energetic Bodywork Session
You are the Bright Star illuminating the path for me and others to travel freely.The emotional tug of wars going on inside me since seeing you today has been draining while energizing at the same time. It wasn’t 45 seconds after I was in the truck before the drama started. ( Family, Work, and Friends) It seemed that all 7 of them needed it NOW dammit, and I was 25 miles from any of them. In the most recent past I would’ve still handled all the issues but in a very different manner. How dare 7 different individuals interfere with my peace today, this was the first thought that went through my mind. Then I remembered one of the first things that you taught me, BREATHE, so I did. And you know when I took that first breath, deep way down into my root chakra, I knew something fundamental immediately. I was learning how to love myself, how could I expect those that I was interacting with to act differently just because I am. Their thoughts, actions, and attitudes are as loveless as mine have been for the last 42 years.
Change starts with me, if others are to learn to understand that we all have this burning energy inside, then I must show the way. I will do this by transforming who I have been into who I am meant to be thru the divinity in me and those around me.
With regards to the session today I would like to share my feelings with you and I don’t know why? I don’t really know you but I feel that you are real and since I make a living off of reading people (hence my cynicism to life) I will go with that truth.
I am shamed that I wasn’t more open. I want to travel this path and quickly (to make up for lost time) therefore I must be honest. Today’s time with you was and still is the most satisfying time I have had in many years. I FEEL, really FEEL mental clarity, physical strength, emotional uncertainty – vulnerability. I wonder at your courage, how strong you are to share a piece of your soul with someone you barely know. Can I too grow to the level of understanding love, that I am able to be free with others without fear of judgment or condemnation. I am sharing this next part because I feel it is important for me as a breakthrough. This was a complete and pure feeling of satisfaction as defined sexually wow that was difficult to say. Put into a sexual description – I have never experienced the purity that you shared with me today. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way.
Others come to me all the time for help-consul-a sounding board if you will. I have held others as they pour out their pain but I have never been on the receiving end (was raised saying love but not showing it, you know men don’t show that sissy crap) . All my life family, friends, co-workers with issues are drawn to me or I to them like a magnet. I had grown cold, distant, and indifferent, when dealing with my life issues let alone anyone elses. There was a time when I joyed in helping others, but that feeling has long since faded. The feeling from today is just more than I can put into words or even describe. I feel like I am young and purposeful again.
Thanks for listening.
With much love and appreciation,