I know that I have many people that I am working with who are coming to a point in their lives and relationships where having and “Open Relationship” has become appealing to them. But there is much concern as to if it is dangerous or not to have this sort of sexual/intimate relating and the main causes of concern are:
* How will jealousy play a role?
* Won’t one or both of us feel like the other is not invested or committed as much anymore?
* What happen’s if I truly love two people at the same time? Is this manageable or will it destroy the relationships?
* Does having multiple partners increase my chances of catching a sexually transmitted disease?
* What about time management?
* How do I deal with what other’s think? i.e. friends, parents, children, etc.
* How do I bring up the conversation of opening my primary relationship?
Just to name a few concerns….
I am not going to address all of this here, as this list of concerns is a whole workshop in it’s own. However, I do want to say that I agree with Dan Savage on his comeback and I will state that for the last four years I have been blessed to enjoy a deep loving, authentic relating and sexually open relationship with my two lovers. Both men fulfill me in different aspects. My relationship is unique with each and yet similar.
Last year I opened a channel of communication of allowing each of them to ask me five question’s, they could be any question and I agreed to answer 100% authentically no matter how hard it may be to state my truth. My primary partner Scott asked me, ” Have you ever considered a primary relationship with B?” – My response and the honest truth was, “Yes.” How could I have not? Here is a man I adore and love with my heart, soul and body just as I feel for Scott, I feel for B. Each man pulling to my surface an aspect of myself that without his presence I would not get a chance to explore, heal and love. Each man compliments my internal masculine in a similar but different fashion and allow’s me to be stronger in my divine feminine. Each open’s me and teaches me how to expand my heart, surrender more fully, and accept more gracefully the lead of the divine masculine.
In all honesty, I cannot, nor do I ever wish to imagine or experience my life without each of these gentlemen in it. Do I need either of them? No. I feel strong enough in myself and my path to say that I make the conscious choice each day to open myself to each of them and dance in life with them. It is not a state of need and therefore jealousy does not play a strong role in my relating. I am not with either of them to try and change them into someone that I believe they should be either. Therefore I am able to step away from much of my ego based issues and just enjoy each of them for who they are in the moment and how they each choose to show up in life with me.
As far as sexually transmitted diseases and open relationship’s go, just an FYI that monogamy does not mean security. Many studies have been done in recent years to see if polyamorous people are more likely to catch a sexually transmitted diseases than monogamous people. The stat’s were about equal. But how is this possible if one group of people are only sleeping with the same person and the other group has multiple partners?
Well, here is the truth.
When people cheat they do not think to have safe sex. They do not use a condom most of the time.
When people are involved in an open lifestyle they typically know that they have to have these conversations about diseases, protection and when someone got tested or not. They also think about boundaries, safe words, precautions and deeper levels of authentic communication that many monogamous people never consider. Does this mean that you can’t enjoy bare sex with two partners or that it is a bad idea? The answer here is no. Of course you can enjoy bare sex with two partners, as long as all partners are on board with it and communication is in place as well as taking into consideration that bare sex is a symbol of deep connection, trust and COMMITMENT. So if anyone decides to bring in another party then the safety jackets are back on.
Having an open relationship or multiple partners DOES NOT mean that you love less. It means that you LOVE MORE! This sort of relating when done in a mature, proactive, no ego driven or need fashion can be very healing and a great teacher. Is it for everyone? No. But should it be condemned or stated that such a relationship between 3, 4 or even 5 people cannot last long term? No again. Most monogomous relationships end in divorce after years of fighting, suffering and sexless relating. Do these long term relationships seem successful? If you answered yes then you may need to examine what your view of success is and then ask yourself if they are really examples of unconditional love too. Then look at an open relationship such as Dan Savage and his wife, shared below….
Successful? Unconditionally loving?
You be the judge.
Dan Savage’s devastating reply to Helen Fisher
That New York Times story a couple days ago?The Secrets to an Open Marriage According to Mo’Nique?Which quoted the once-respected anthropologist Helen Fisher saying she just somehow knows these things “never end up working long-term”?
Dan Savage just published a takedown:
Dan Savage in 2013
…The Oscar-winning actress [Mo’Nique] and her husband [Sidney Hicks] are double rarity: not just a straight couple who aren’t in the closet about their open marriage, but a famous straight couple in an openly open marriage.
…[Writer Tammy] La Gorce gets a few quotes from someone who comes across as pretty sane about open marriages — Douglas LaBier, a psychologist and the director of the Center for Progressive Development — but La Gorce pretty much hands the rest of the piece over to someone who has clearly lost her mind: Helen Fisher, author, “biological anthropologist at the Kinsey Institute” (RIP Kinsey Institute), and shill for a dating website, where Fisher has been doing important research on the best strategy for getting a second date (take ’em out for sushi) and what it means when a person uses a lot of emojis (they’re horny as fuck).
…Where to start?
With Fisher’s insulting claim to know better than Mo’Nique and Hicks about how the Mo’Nique and Hicks really feel about their marriage? (They only think they’re happy, those deluded human animals!) With Fisher’s yanked-from-her-ass assertions about evolutionary pressures that supposedly endowed all modern humans with genes that allow for just one type of romantic “bond” (only pairs, always sexually exclusive!) and just one successful “mating process” (only pairs, again, and it’s all about the kids!)? With Fisher’s assertion — offered without any data to back it up — that open marriages “never end up working long-term”?
Let’s start with that.
“Just because there is a lack of good data on the longevity of open relationships does not mean that ‘they never work out,'” said Dr. Debby Herbenick, a research scientist at Indiana University. “Saying ‘they never work out’ goes beyond any data she has; I would ask her to prove it. Where are her data? I know of none to support that.”
Dr. Herbenick has data that contradicts Fisher’s “they never work out” and “all people in non-monogamous couples are secretly miserable” bullshit.
“Similar proportions of men in monogamous and open relationships say they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied,” said Dr. Herbenick, citing ACTUAL FUCKING DATA from the IU School of Public Health’s 2014 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. “For women, more women in monogamous relationships say that they are happy in their relationship and sexually satisfied. But that doesn’t mean none are happy or satisfied, as plenty are.”
…On a personal note/anecdote: my husband and I recently celebrated our 21st anniversary and our marriage has been open for 17 of those years. Hey, maybe Terry and I need Helen Fisher to swing by the house and explain to us how we’re really secretly miserable, just like Mo’Nique and Hicks….
Fisher’s bizarre theory of brain adjacency: the chunks of our brainz involved in romantic love are located near the chunks of brainz that “orchestrate” thirst and hunger and that’s why there’s no such thing as a successful open marriage. CASE CLOSED!
That sounded like complete bullshit — and not just to me.
“It is a rather odd claim to say that the reason a phenotypic trait will operate the way it does is because a particular brain region responsible for it is adjacent to other brain regions which do something else,” said Dr. Qazi Rahman, King’s College London. “That kind of model of brain-behaviour relationships would generate all sorts of very odd predictions which most neuroscientists or neuropsychologists would find strange. But then all behaviour and mental activity is ‘in the brain’ and so I’m not clear making these sorts of claims does any useful explanatory work for behavioural scientists.”
“There is an entire network of the brain involved in romantic love,” said Dr. James Pfaus…. [Fisher] doesn’t get it. She has never gotten it. Her view of the brain is a neurochemical phrenology.”
…”I spoke with Helen at a conference once,” a researcher who did not wish to be identified told me in an email. “Helen said there is a single gene that will determine whether a man cheats or not. We carefully explained why this couldn’t be so.”
Fisher, like so many other hacks in the love-and-relationship racket, wants sex and love and marriage to work in a certain way — they insist it only works this one way — and this monogamist bias informs and distorts Fisher’s work.
“I enjoy Helen’s stuff, but think she’s blind to her cultural bias on this one,” said Dr. David Ley. “I’d be interested in whether she truly thinks monogamy ‘works’ long-term, given divorce and infidelity rates. I think the most damaging piece of Fisher’s approach is her generalization of her beliefs to all humans. The valuable thing about modern relationships is the ability to individually negotiate a relationship, based upon each partners’ needs, strengths and deficits.”…
Is group sex really as taboo as it seems?
Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….
Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.
In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”
Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”
She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.
But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.
Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”
She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”
“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”
An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)
Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.
Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”
So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.
Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”
Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.
Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”
Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”
It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.
Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”
That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.
If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.”
Maybe you should too. Not MY wife — yours.—
I’m always anxious to read the latest advice from sex columnists about how to have amazing sex. My problem is that they often fail to speak to the reality of life after children. Of course I’d love to languish in those Halcion days when we spent nights doing nothing but worshiping each other. Those were the days. But why doesn’t anyone talk about having amazing sex after children?
The sex advice people suggest spicing up your love life. I’d love to have a few hours to do yoni massage in a quiet room filled only with sitar music and the aroma of sandalwood wafting in my nostrils. Children present too many interruptions and distractions. We never had the money or the child care back-up to do weekend get-aways. Waiting until late at night usually means someone is sleeping. Lovemaking gets pushed to the back seat. It takes a toll.
I was involved with men’s spiritual development groups for years. We all took a pledge of silence like the Las Vegas code. On several occasions though my wife asked me if we talked about sex. I said married guys with children don’t want to talk about something that doesn’t exist—sex after children. I couldn’t tell them about my life or they’d kill me out of jealousy. I have had a great sex life after children. Actually it started before children as it does for most of us men, but for my wife and I it never stopped.
I’m in a second marriage. My first was a complete mulligan. Maybe some insights will be posted here down the line. Let me just say, to reinforce an observation about The Good Men Project, men are victims too. I was. Enough for now. Well, okay, a little more revelation.
I underwent a vasectomy in a desperate attempt to save my first marriage. My ex was so afraid of pregnancy that she would “forget” to take her pill. ( I know, it doesn’t make sense.) She contrived ever possible excuse to avoid sex. I really didn’t want children either, so it was no big deal for me at the time—anything to get more sex. However, when I had the procedure in the late 70’s, the folks at the family planning clinic wanted to be sure I knew it was highly unlikely I would ever be able to conceive naturally. I signed off willingly.
Turns out I was duped. Can’t go there now. My marriage dissolved soon after.
Some time later, I met the woman who would become my soulmate, the love of my life, all the magical things that a good relationship should be about. In our single days we were like mink. However, I knew when I proposed that I was committing to having children as our relationship wouldn’t work if we stayed childless. My wife was born to be a mother. I loved her enough to take the risk.
I underwent vasectomy reversal. In the aftermath I became her sex slave, as she rigidly followed the procedures for a thirty-five year old woman to get pregnant — sex every day she was at the proper basal temperature. We were told it could take a long time. The rabbit died before I was even out of my surgical recovery period.
We had sex all though the pregnancy. In the last days of a difficult and uncomfortable pregnancy, it became too painful for her. Thankfully, her gynecologist told her the way out was the same way she got in. Sex late in pregnancy will induce labor. I love that man. We had sex and she went into labor the next day.
Our first child was a crisis baby, born with a formerly fatal congenital heat defect. We took him back from the arms of the angels on several occasions. You’re never out of the woods with a heart baby, but that too is another story. I lost my job just before our second child was born. My father-in-law, my best scotch drinking buddy, died suddenly after the birth of #2. I think only a prison term is higher on the life stress levels. Still we held on to each other.
Okay, back to my opening point, the sex counsellors don’t acknowledge that sex after children comes in stolen moments. Foreplay becomes “Brace Yourself!” Children, for all their blessings, kill intimacy. It is the ruin of many marriages. Sexuality in marriage after children has to become a commitment and not an idle romantic indulgence.
Over the years my wife and I have stayed sexually engaged. Our sex life would not make a great XXX movie. A lot of it is under the covers, quietly in the dark, but still, a connection. Unable to have wild sexual fantasies played out, we have found our own means of fun. One of them involves me paying my wife for sex. It serves a dual purpose. Money has always been short in our situation—we have been a one income family—I’m the at-home dad. I have terrible money insecurities. My wife loves to shop and buy stuff—fortunately, she is frugal. Still, her spending has been a source of stress in our relationship. I think I own four pairs of shoes, she could supply a small nation with her collection. There is rarely a day when she doesn’t shop and buy herself something. The clutter has me tearing my hair out at times. But it’s the money fear that is most troubling for me, and I admit, irrational.
I do most of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, so lavishing those treats on her doesn’t open any romantic gateways. We needed something else.
Somehow we came up with the fun idea that I would pay her for sex. The money she “earns” she is free to spend without me nagging her. She has never denied me sex, but it has put a little naughty fun into a stressful situation that many couples face.
I don’t know if our little arrangement will work for you, I’m just saying don’t be discouraged by the sexologists, find a way to keep sex alive in your relationship, even if you have to “pay” for it.
Photo: Flickr/J.K. Califf
– See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/why-i-pay-my-wife-for-sex-dg/#sthash.vtTU4kD8.dpuf
When we learn to share this intimate aspect of ourselves then there is no more reason to hide any part of our beings from our partners. In this we discover true intimacy and commitment. We embrace unconditional love and live authentically. –KW
A cool breeze whipped under my skirt as I straddled his cock. Slipping one leg around him and between the back of the bench and the seat, gently moving my hips down as to press him into my wetness, my skirt falling to the side, cars passing by, bird chirping, water rippling and a possible on looker from one of the surrounding apartment or business buildings all made for our afternoon adventure. With each thrust my body hungered to feel him deeper, his pleasure of my exhibition, his joy of the freedom of fucking me softly in public, and the tremble of excitement of possibly being seen, all deepening our intimacy, our connection and passion. In one deep breath he picked me up and laid me back on the cold bench, where I was fully exposed for all to see and for him to take more fully as well. Thrusting himself into me over and over again our heat burned and we had to take our escapade to more private domains.
Some PDA (public display of affection) this had turned into.
Not so uncommon for me and some, but it is an uncommon and even feared fantasy for so many people and couples.
Adventure sex is one of the best connective tools a couple can experience. It does not always mean that you have to go to an orgy, or swing with strangers, even to have sex in public as my little tale above shares. Sometimes adventure sex can be very vanilla and simply mean doing something that you would like to explore or do again to rekindle the heat or expand your sexual horizons. Some of my tips of the week speak of having sex in the shower, tormenting each other under the table at a restaurant, revealing no panties just as you enter a theater or show, or before leaving your car give a sample blow job. Offer you bare pussy to your lover by pressing their finger into you while they are driving, kiss more passionately and thrust your hips into them while nibbling gently on their lip. Adventure sex may just mean changing up the room you have sex in or adding in a toy or some blindfolds and restraints.
Fantasy Sex DOES NOT have to remain a fantasy either. It has been shown over and over again that through acting out, sharing and allowing ourselves to grow our fantasies in a safe, intimate, boundary respected enviroment that we not only have a more harmonized psychological world, but our commitment and intimacy level with our partner is strengthened to new levels. Our actual relationship foundation becomes stronger and the container that we act in with our partner acts as a liberating agent instead of a space for shame, disconnect and fear.
Sexual fantasy is healthy folks!
Not all fantasy need be acted on, some may not even be very physically safe or may be a turn off for our partners.
Some fantasy sex may just need to be shared during lovemaking to heat things up. Or parts of the fantasy played out during regular love making and the rest just painted as if it were a picture for both to enjoy in the thralls of love making.
I can tell you that personally I love it when my partner takes me from behind, and applies his strength of dominance by holding me firmly or gently choking me while whispering our joint fantasies in my ear, using some strong language and letting me know how aroused he is with each thrust. This sort of partial fantasy play in my book is exhilarating and heals my shame of desire.
Yes SHAME of DESIRE.
Growing up in a catholic school, with parents much older then my friends parents very stuck in their ways and with the social programming that as a girl or a woman I should not desire sex. Only sluts and whores did this and they did it out of a lack of self respect. A girl who respects herself does not flaunt, crave, desire and most certainly would never share or act on these fantasies.
Not so uncommon a program, as the majority of the population has a similar one.
What I have learned through years of sex and relationship coaching with clients, and through my own healing processes with my teachers and lovers is that the ONLY should not is the denial of myself. If I say no to myself consistently, then I reinforce the shaming from my youth. Only through acceptance and saying yes to some of my desires do I heal and expand.
This is true for everyone.
In our ability to say yes to ourselves and to push ourselves to grow and experience new adventures we learn what our true beliefs are, we learn where our boundaries are and we experience liberation not only sexually but mentally, spiritually and as a whole authentic being. One that is making the call for ourselves instead of assuming that another individuals desires/beliefs/experiences and programs are good enough for us as well.
Through our awakening the supposed demon of desire we also awaken enlightenment.
Sex is truly a liberator, a healer and one of the greatest teachers we have been given. In our closure and shaming of this invaluable tool we shut ourselves off from life and turn toward self imprisonment all in the pursuit of being a “good girl or good boy” in the eyes of society.
So stop crucifying your sex and start saying yes to the oh so evil pearls of sin. Say yes to a fantasy. Say yes to an adventure. Say yes to growth, intimacy and unbounded passion.
You may just be surprised at how powerful the event turns out to be and what joys reside on the other side of the doorway of desire.
“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine
Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?
Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.
In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.
Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.
From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”
Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.
Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.
Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.
We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.
True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.
For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.
For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.
For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.
For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.
For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.
The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.
The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.
Steps to Prevention
- Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
- Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
- Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
- Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
- Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
- Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
- Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
- Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
- Never accept a surface answer from your woman.
- Never chase your man, give space without question.
- Communicate. Communicate.
- Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.
Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.
Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.
Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.
Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!
There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.
Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!
Intimacy and trust. The two key ingredients to a healthy, strong, loving and passionate relationship. These two items go hand in hand and are a catch 22 in relating. If you start to loose one the other is right behind it and vise verse, you also need one to make the other happen.
Intimacy is not just about sex either, although in our world today when someone speaks of intimacy they are speaking of sexual intimacy often. It is valuable to truly understand that intimacy is something that is needed to feel connected, understood, valued and secure in all relating.
Just this last weekend we had a dear friend come to the Orgasm Camp workshop and stay after for socializing and dinner. She is an Intimacy Coach and during our dinner preparations I was playing with our 15 month old son, Jessica (our friend) made the comment that she could tell that I was not just a parent to my children that I was also their friend. She stated that we treated the children like real people not “kids.” What she was seeing was the intimacy shared between parent and child. Something that I have been conscious of harvesting in my relationships with all six of my children. It is something that when I look out into the world I do not see in the paradigm of parent/child. The average parenting structure has the child as a lower species of human-hood, there are walls that are put in place, things that are not discussed because a child could never understand this or that and children are talked down to instead of communicated with in authenticity. Parents try to hide their own short comings and mistakes and even try to repair what they feel they did wrong in their youth by “protecting” otherwise known as controlling their own children from doing the same instead of openly communicating with them and building trust and intimacy. Here is where I strongly differ (granted I may be wrong in my beliefs but parenting truly is a science where we all wager our upbringing skills on a hypothesis), I believe in building intimacy and trust. This comes through authentic living which transfers as authentic relating even with my child. Never shutting down about where I am , what is happening, and never shaming or having misguided expectations. Recognizing that my child has to make mistakes no matter their age in order to learn and grow. Supporting individualism. Communicating life lessons at a level that each of my children can understand for where they are at, EVEN if that is having a sex talk with them.
Through this sort of authentic relating I have preventing many barriers from forming and have kept the communication lines open. So much so that my oldest two daughters (now 17 and 19) have had the ability to trust in me enough and know that we share the intimacy needed for them to bring difficult issues into the court, from the first time they had sex, to things they have experimented with, sexual trauma, jealousy issues, physical changes happening, and even their first G-spot orgasm. Most parents in todays culture would have a tough time hearing their daughter speak openly about the pleasure they experienced and how amazing it was during a G-spot orgasm, they certainly would not want to have to give further advise as to how to achieve this state again. Yet in my household, these two young women get the opportunity to grow, question, experience and be supported instead of being shamed for their sexuality as women.
I have always stated that I am a realist. I know that our youth is a time of great exploration and teenagers and young adults will certainly experiment and learn things from somewhere, so why not support healthy exploration backed by authentic, unconditional loving instead of shaming, guilting and disconnecting?
This same dynamic can be brought into our intimate affairs with a lover. How do we communicate with them? Do we allow them to be of individual thought, need and life experience without shaming, guilting or disconnecting no matter how they choose to show up in the moment or do we try and change them and make our expectations and needs greater then what they can deliver? DO we hold space for our lover to experience what they need in any given moment or do we demand for things to be as we believe they should?
I am not saying that we have to support without end a decision or action of a loved one, child or lover alike. I am not saying that we have to agree or even pretend to agree with them. What I am saying is that we need to open the channels of authentic communication and hold our hearts open in the most challenging of times. This is true unconditional loving, something that the majority of relationships have never experienced, because what we think is love is actually need, and in our needing we distort our partners, or anyone else that we are in a love based relationships with and put false hopes and expectations on them that they CANNOT often meet. We are dependent on them to make us happy instead of taking care of our own happiness. When our needs are suddenly not met and the veil of illusion that WE ourselves put there starts to come down, we loose trust and intimacy and point the finger at the other blaming them for the suffering that we are now feeling. This is where we loose ourselves further, often find that our relationship was built on sand with no stable foundation and question why we even trusted in this person.
Building true intimacy and trust is not easy but it is simple.
There are steps for building the foundation for authentic loving and relating so that we can have a sacred relationship with all the people in our lives.
Among these steps are:
▪ Conscious Living = Conscious Relating
▪ Integrity in Action and Communication
▪ Holding Space
▪ Standing in the Fire
▪ Dedication to Life and Unconditional Love before the Relationship
Bring Kendal to You!
Do (or did) you and your spouse have significantly different levels of desire for sex? If so, you are not alone. Did you know that 1 in 3 couples has a sexual desire gap? But just because you aren’t alone, it doesn’t mean you should be complacent about a ho-hum sexual relationship. You shouldn’t. It can lead to a miserably angry spouse, infidelity and divorce. If you don’t believe me, watch this TEDx talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage
And although solutions to this sexual divide abound in magazines, self-help books and other pop psychology outlets, there is a little talked about fact underlying the problems associated with this sexual void.
The No’s have veto power.
Here’s the scoop. The spouse with lower sexual drive controls the frequency of sex — if she or he doesn’t want it, it generally doesn’t happen. This is not due to maliciousness or a desire for power and control, it’s just seems unimaginable to be sexual if one is not in the mood.
Furthermore, there is an unspoken and often unconscious expectation that the higher desire spouse must accept the no-sex verdict, not complain about it and remain monogamous. After decades of working with couples, I can attest that this is an unfair and unworkable arrangement.
This is not to say that infidelity is a viable solution to disparate sexual interests. It isn’t. As with all relationship conflicts, being willing to find middle ground is the best way to insure love’s longevity.
But what’s a so-called “low desire spouse” to do?
Believe it or not, although sometimes the causes of low sexual desire are complex and deeply rooted, this is not always true. One of the most common causes for a sexual desire gap is also the simplest to solve. I recommend that the person with low desire adopt the Nike philosophy, and “Just Do It!” Why?
I wish I had a dollar for each time someone in my practice said, “I wasn’t in the mood when I started making love but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself. It felt great.”
After seeing lots of this in my practice, I started to look around at the literature about sexual desire and discovered that for millions of people, sexual desire doesn’t just happen, you have to make it happen. (Basson, R.) But what does this actually mean?
The human sexual response cycle is thought to have four stages:
Stage 1: Desire, which is defined as having a sexy thought or sexual fantasy that often occurs out of the blue or in response to a trigger such as seeing an attractive person, smelling a aromatic perfume, or watching a hot movie. Desire then prompts us to become sexually active.
Stage 2: Arousal is the excitement we feel, the physiological changes in our bodies once we’re physically stimulated
Stage 3: Orgasm
Stage 4: Resolution, when our bodies return to the resting state.
But for almost half the population, stages one and two are actually reversed. They don’t feel sexual desire until they’ve been physically aroused, until they’ve been touched. But once they’ve been stimulated, they feel plenty of desire. They’re hot to trot. For these folks, arousal leads to desire, not the other way around.
If this sounds like you, it behooves you to do a little experimenting. Stop waiting for the fireworks to happen before you become sexual. Be receptive to your partner’s advances even if you’re not totally in the mood. Why? Two reasons.
You might just find that once you’re into it, you’re really into it. Plus, notice the changes in your spouse. She or he will be much nicer to be around. But don’t take my word for it. Try it. At least watch this new TEDx Talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. She is the Founder of DivorceBusting “Like” her on Facebook, and get her latest videos on YouTube.
ORIGINAL POST @ Huffingtonpost
How did I get myself into this one…
My confessions: I’m a hardcore romance junkie, like heroin and crack. And I can’t seem to confront myself directly without going through a man to do it.
What is it in here that is so disturbing to me that I can’t face it?
Perhaps the squirming snake of my own immense hunger, endless and ready to swallow the nutrient it craves whole. The moral-less flavor of it, the disregard it has for human life, for values, for ideals, for feelings, for “where people are at,” for slowing down and for “holding space.”
It’s this coiling boa constrictor of appetite that is simply meant to eat. The hunting predator in the woods doesn’t think at all except to calculate distance, how to make sure the wind doesn’t carry her scent to her prey, and how to have it be that her final powerful leap lands her right on top of her target.
This is the one in me who craves the romance. I don’t know why romance is the thing. I don’t know if it is because my dad used to drink and he used to leak emotion all over me when he was in his cups deep, emotion that had this thick sweet cloying romantic quality to it. Well yeah that’s probably it. All I know for sure is that it’s still something that has dominion over me, for better or worse. And now I find myself winding my way through another romance.
The stage is set. We have been seeing each other for a few weeks and while it’s new, there is a deep spot of involuntary that got touched in us both.
So there’s me: unconventional relationship practices for the last decade, anything close to monogamous not among them. And there’s him: if you love someone and they love you, and you have sex, you are now monogamous. And if that changes or goes off-course it equates total psychic devastation.
Some might see this as an impasse, but my mind is in heavy play-mode these days, so… I came up with a game. Thirty days of research – I am monogomish (I still practice Orgasmic Meditationwith others) and he has to sleep with other people.
This is a huge edge for both of us on each side. For him, having me and having other women totally cracks open his concepts of conventional relating. What woman would afford her man these luxuries? Does it mean I don’t want him enough? Does it mean he might become some kind of “lesser” man who just likes to fuck loads of women?
And for me, well… I’ve prided myself in being a free woman for a number of years now. Free in her thinking and in her sex, a rare breed we call “turned-on women” who won’t allow themselves to lock down into too much conventionality lest they lose their ability to move freely in the world and liberate others. This looks different for all of us but for me a huge component of it was non-monogomy.
My sex is my furnace, my generator, my power; to hand the satisfaction of it all over to one person feels terrifying. Does it mean I’m not free anymore? Does it mean I’m going to sleep inside of my addiction to romance? Does it mean I won’t be able to produce enough fuel for my fire and my power will dwindle?
It’s day three. All I know so far is that there is a vigilant hunter that usually sweeps through the area as I walk through London, as I chat with people in a room, as I surf the internet. And this hunter is suddenly quieting in the arena of searching for prey.
Some part of me is softening into allowing myself to be pet and taken care of. This was so not the stroke for me in the past but now here I am and it is.
I can feel my insides relax into it unexpectedly and sink into a deeper sense of femininity and reception.
ORIGINAL POSTING @ Orgasm Daily
Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your married life a lot easier and a lot happier. We hold on to so many things that cause a great deal of stress and frustration in our relationships – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing our relationships to flourish and blossom – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today you will give up on all those things that no longer serve you, and you will embrace change. Starting today you will make your marriage work. Ready? Here we go:
1. Give up your unrealistic expectations
Give up all your unrealistic expectation about marriage being this beautiful box full of all the things you have always longed for and see marriage for what it truly is – an empty box where you and your partner MUST put all the things you want to take out. Accept that if you want to have love in your marriage, you have to put it there. If you want to have happiness, passion, intimacy, companionship, trust in your marriage, you have to put it there. Relationships take work, a lot of work and if you want to live a happy, beautiful and loving life next to your partner, you will both commit to making your marriage work. Always remember, relationships don’t work unless you do.
2. Give up control
People are made to be loved, not controlled. The more you try to control your partner, the more you will push him or her away from you and the less love there will be left between you two. Give up control and allow the ONE you love to just be. Allow the person you love to be who they are and not who you want them to be.
3. Give up possessiveness
No matter how long you two have been together and no matter if you are married and have 10 children together or not, you do not posses your partner. He/her is not your propriety. You both are two separate entities and just as you are separate from him, so is she separate from you. Give up possessiveness and allow your partner to breathe. Give him/ her the space and freedom they truly deserve and watch how much more beautiful your relationship becomes.
4. Give up criticism
Give up the need to criticize every little thing your partner does or doesn’t do and instead start appreciating those many things that made you fall in love with this person in the first place. Seek to praise not to criticize. Keep in mind that you attract more bees with honey than you do with vinegar.
“Compliments and criticism are all ultimately based on some form of projection.” ~ Billy Corgan
5. Give up the need to fix your partner
Relationships aren’t about fixing one another, relationships are about loving, caring and supporting one another. You might think it’s your responsibility to “save” and “fix” your partner but trust me, that’s not really the case. Give up the need to fix your partner and work on growing, improving and evolving together instead.
“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” ~ Albert Einstein
6. Give up your jealous behavior
”A competent and self-confident person is incapable of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.” ~ Robert A. Heinlein
The root cause of jealousy is insecurity. Work on letting go of your insecurities and you will immediately understand the futility of a jealous behavior. You will immediately give jealousy up.
7. Give up on your fears
Give up the fear of cheating on one another, the fear of falling out of love, the fear of having your present relationship become as toxic as the previous ones and so on. Get out of your fearful head and into your loving heart. Give up on all your fears and love with all your heart.
“Perfect love casts out fear. If fear exists, then there is not perfect love.” ~ A Course In Miracles
8. Give up the chase for perfection
What screws us up the most is this idea we have in our heads about how relationships should be like and how our partners should behave. Instead of savoring, loving and praising one another, nurturing the relationships we have, we waste our precious time and energy seeking perfection, in ourselves, in our partner There’s no such thing as perfect relationships simply because there’s no such thing as perfect people. Your marriage is and always will be a reflection of who and your partner are – two perfectly imperfect people.
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.” ~ Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
9. Give up on blame
Believe it or not, it’s not the other person’s job to make you feel all the things that you yourself can’t feel on your own. It’s not the other person’s job to make you feel loved, happy and whole when you yourself feel unworthy, unhappy and incomplete. That’s not their job, that’s your job. Give up the need to blame your partner for everything that goes wrong in your world, for why you aren’t feeling as loved and as happy as you would like to feel and start taking ownership for your own thoughts and feelings.
“Tell everyone you know: “My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.” And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel-and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.” ~ Esther Hicks
10. Give up the need to always be right
Remember when you and your partner first started dating? Remember how beautiful and how lovingly you spoke to one another? Back then you didn’t care whether you were right all the time or not. All that you cared about was to make the other person feel loved, appreciated and happy. So why change now? Give up the need to always be right and choose to be kind, loving and supportive instead.
“Common courtesy plays a big role in happy marriages. People who are permanently married are polite to one another. They don’t want to hurt one another’s feelings, and they don’t try to make the other one feel humiliated. People who are married for life are extremely kind to one another.” ~ Frank Pittman
11. Give up living your life according to the other person’s expectations
It’s true that relationships require compromise but when you compromise too often, living your life according to the other person’s expectations, you risk losing yourself and that’s how you start feeling bitter, depleted, frustrated and very unhappy. Don’t lose the “I” in playing the “We” game. Compromise when needed but not so much that you lose your sense of self. Balance is key.
“The hardest-learned lesson: that people have only their kind of love to give, not our kind.” ~ Mignon McLauglin
12. Give up your clingy behavior
There’s nothing less attractive than a person who clings onto his/her partner expecting the other person to provide all their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Take the “pressure” off of your partner’s shoulders and put it on your shoulders instead. Seek to become the provider of your own their emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. Be the source of your own happiness.
“You have so little faith in yourself because you are unwilling to accept the fact that perfect love is in you, and so you seek without for what you cannot find within.” ~ A Course In Miracles
13. Give up asking for more than you give
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins
If you enter a relationship expecting to get a lot more than you give, chances are that you will have many marriage regrets. The only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. Give more, ask less.
14. Give up your emotional baggage
Make peace with your past. Make peace with your “stuff”. Don’t carry the heavy weights of your past with you into the present. If you want to build a happy, loving and healthy relationship, you have to start fresh, you have to leave your emotional baggage behind.
“The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. What is grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion.” ~ Lao Tzu
15. Give up attachment
There is a huge difference between love and attachment and what most people call “love” is nothing more than attachment. Attachment comes from a place of fear, while love is pure, kind, and selfless. Love is ready to detach and let go if the relationship between two people becomes toxic and detrimental to the healthy growth and evolution of both parties. Attachment on the other hand loves to hold onto toxicity, feeding itself with the pain and suffering of people.
Deepak Chopra says it best with these words: “Love allows your beloved the freedom to be unlike you. Attachment asks for conformity to your needs and desires. Love imposes no demands. Attachment expresses an overwhelming demand – “Make me feel whole.” Love expands beyond the limits of two people. Attachment tries to exclude everything but two people.”
And these are the 15 things you should give up to make not only marriage work but also any romantic relationship.
P.S. It’s very important to understand that some people, no matter how much they love one another and no matter how much they want to make their marriage work, might not be able to do so simply because they both learned the lessons they had to learn and now life calls them in different directions. To paraphrase Elizabeth Gilbert, soul mates, they might come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you, to help you see a part of you that you did not know was there, but when the work is done, they will leave, making room for something new, for something better to come your way.
This is why it’s so important to listen to your heart and intuition and make sure that you don’t stay in a relationship that makes you feel dead on the inside simply because that’s what society and everyone around you expects you to do. Your peace of mind, health, happiness and wellbeing are more important than anything else. So stay happy!
“The real act of marriage takes place in the heart, not in the ballroom or church or synagogue. It’s a choice you make – not just on your wedding day, but over and over again – and that choice is reflected in the way you treat your husband or wife.” ~ Barbara De Angelis
If it’s true that marriages are meant to last for life, why is it that so many people divorce? What do you think is the key ingredient to make a marriage work? I really want to know what are your thoughts on this. You can share your insights by joining the conversation in the comment section below
With all my love,
ORIGINAL POSTING at Purpose Fairy
It has been an interesting social week for this sex geek!
Love, marriage, relationship, sex, commitment, integrity, open-mindedness, judgement, new friends, old lovers and so much more…
Most of what keeps coming up this last week for me is circling around our idea’s and beliefs when looking at marriage or a “committed” relationship. The do’s and don’ts, and what is truly correct. What I have been reminded of the most is that one person’s “right way” is not always another person’s “right way,” and that this is such a beautiful thing that so many have a tough time accepting and seeing for the incredible gift that it is. As an ego based society we have been brainwashed into believing so fully that our beliefs are actually fact that we have squeezed out life, free will and individuality. We have buried personal truth and forgotten the age old wisdom, of love thy neighbor. The one core principle that ALL religions and spiritual practices have in common and as foundation. We have also forgotten that even our own personal truths and beliefs can change over the course of time and that in the end they are still only opinions in the eyes of others. Weather we back our statements with scripture, scientific evidence, or something else, they are all conjured from human translation.
Interestingly enough, since my last writing I have been through quiet a host of events and thoughts on this. A lover that I have had for a few years now (whom is a married man) had to deal with the possibility of divorce with his wife after a large dispute over his sexual activity outside of the marriage. Yet, their relationship is sexually dead and I mean DEAD. There is not even guilt sex happening. Now, I know that many who read this will be disgusted and damning, saying that in this sort of case instead of having an affair one should just get out of the relationship and stay in integrity. If your not happy then it is time to move on. If there are issues that cannot be resolved then it is time to move on. True as all of that is from a logical stand point, there are personal reasons that many who have affairs have that make it not so cut and dry. Yes, I am speaking from personal experience here. I have been an adulteress and obviously I have been a mistress as well. Both roles have blessed me with so much life lesson and deep empathy that I cannot see the disgust in them but only the beauty and empowerment that they both have led too.
Now, here is another interesting event of my week. Another old lover of mine who is a single man but was married years ago has a jealous, controlling ex-wife who has decided that he should not even text with me. Her attitude is very similar to the wife of my other lover, yet there is no contract that she can hold over his head or shame him of some religious sin. She can however cause disturbances and chaos.
In both cases above what we have are some core beliefs that we are taught about relationship, especially marriage.
In marriage you are responsible for your partners happiness.
In marriage, you are NOT to have any intimate or emotional relationships outside of that relationship.
Love as unconditional as we may say it is hits the wall of conditions when dealing with sex and emotions.
Ownership. (Partners own the rights to use of their partners body, especially genitals)
Jealousy is love.
If you cheat, you do not love your husband/wife.
So as you read this list, what did your heart say about each item?
Your heart not your ego, your beliefs and programs. Not what religion states. But what did your heart say? Your heart speaks in whispers remember, while the others are in your face, yelling the answers.
In follow up to these two events, I decided to do some social research on FaceBook and pose a couple questions. Here they are with some of the answers I received.
Is infidelity ALWAYS infidelity?
▪ Nope. Not always…Guess it depends on what your own definition of that is.
▪ Other’s concept of infidelity may not be yours. Not a universal definition.
▪ Infidelity is infidelity no matter how you slice it and dice it. infidelity is kissing another woman/man on the lips or commiting a sexual act with another person when in a relationship with someone. example…. peter is dating jenna, peter kisses another girl and has sexual relations with the other girl, that is infidelity.
▪ There are couples that are monogamous and then there are others that are polyamorous. Whatever works for a couple the most important thing is honesty with each other.
▪ A toxic relationship is a toxic relationship. No one should expose themselves to such thing for a prolonged agonizing period. Though leaving in itself is self empowering, and probably something that needs to be done by you. Cheating or committing in act of infidelity is a weakness that one succumbs under.
▪ And my favorite response: If communication is open and honest, then infidelity would never occur
The next question I posed was:
70%+ divorce rate. Over 40% of men in their late 40’s to 50’s have affairs. Over 30% of women in their 30’s have affairs. Many relationships have non existent or almost there so sexual relations after the 12th year together. Sperm are designed to fight sperm from other men, so that the strongest may win and the strongest offspring will be born to a woman. Women can become allergic to their mates semen.
College Study: In the early 1970s, a schoolteacher in southern England assigned a class science project in which his students were to find out the blood types of their parents. The students were then to use this information to deduce their own blood types (because a gene from each parent determines your blood type, in most instances only a certain number of combinations are possible). Instead, 30 per cent of the students discovered their dads were not their biologically fathers.
Question of the day: Are humans designed to be a monogamous species?
▪ It is possible. it requires a lot of internal work; which most people are not willing to go through.
▪ No, I don’t believe so. The reality of our true biological nature does not lend itself to that. We are programmed & learn that we should be, however, just look realistically at the divorce rate & you can see that something is a miss.
▪ I don’t think so… I think monogamy is a choice, one that can be followed through with, but naturally designed to be, no. Look at the bonobo, we are more closely related to them than any other primate/species. They, besides us (humans) are the only species who have sex, just for fun, and they do so with multiple partners. There is no hierarchy, no violence… I think it’s time we realize this, not to necessarily have multiple partners, but to have a better understanding of why we have such a high rate of failed monogamous relationships.
▪ Yes, were designed to be monogamous.. But as we as a human race evolved down through history, very early on we developed an appetite for more, and diverse engagement.. The pleasure center of our being was unlocked and an insatiable desire took over.. Pleasure is one thing, real love is another.. There is something sacred, about loved shared with one…and one only.. But our society doesn’t know how to facilitate that anymore.. There are unseen forces that prompt and Ignite some of the deeper..even hidden.. Passions.. That we might have had for just one person.. So yes, were designed.. But in the current cultural climate it is difficult to maintain.. Must be an incredible commitment to that person in your life.. Subtle, seek to steal and Rob the beauty, of that kind of oneness between two people.. Like some unseen force trying to take it away entirely… Just my sincere and humble opinion.
▪ I used to believe we were meant to be monogamous but I’m believing more and more that there is no way that just one person can satisfy all of our wants and needs (nor can we satisfy them). I believe in being open and honest with a partner but not necessarily monogamous. Just my opinion.
▪ Interestingly . . . way back in time . . . women decided what attributes their child would have . . . strength, stature, gentleness, hair colour, etc. . . . and would then seek out amongst the males in their community or tribe . . . those who embodied or embraced those qualities . . . and they would then mate with all of the chosen ones, repeatedly . . .
When the woman became pregnant with child . . . she would be supported by others of her ilk . . . and when the baby arrived . . . all of the fathers – sperm donors . . . would come to acknowledge their contribution to the new arrival . . . Within the tribe there would be those who quite naturally assumed the fatherly role in the child’s upbringing . . . even though they might not have been amongst the sperm donors .
What does all of this come down too?
Opinions. Beliefs. Programs.
All supported. All beautiful. All correct and all wrong. The true lesson of humanity is to love thy neighbor as thy self. And such raw topics such as infidelity and monogamy vs. non-monogamy are perfect teachers. Yet, fear blinds us. It blinds us from the possibilities of living in harmony and peace by embracing in unconditional love our neighbors, our lovers and mates and even ourselves. Instead of opening our minds and hearts we restrict them and point fingers. We say, “I am not judging you, that is God’s job,” while we state our opinion as fact. We slam the door of brotherhood because we fear our brothers beliefs. We go on witch hunts and call those who do not live according to our ways sluts, whores, tempters and temptresses. We pity them and most of all we fear the questions they pose to our soul without ever verbally asking it: Why am I not happy and what am I so scared of?
Fear is the answer to both.
Both questions come back to false evidence appearing real. Both are based on what we perceive as a danger when in fact, it is only self-created illusion supported by society.
We are not happy because we lack the strength and courage to live in integrity and authentically to be ourselves. We are fearful that if we were to do this, we would loss love, acceptance, family, comfort, all that we know. We fear that what we cherish in our lives and in love is truly conditional based.
We are scared of the reality of these conditions and that by living in our truth we will loose all that we feel we need.
And in reality….
Fear is just an illusion. There is no danger in any of the above. There is the reality that in many cases our fear WILL be supported by those parties we are interacting with and that we may very well find out that what we knew deep down is actually true. But, this just means that it was all a hoax anyway.
The hoax of conditional, fear based, controlling need wearing the mask of unconditional love.
In the end, it is a personal choice. The choice of living in a lie and being a sheep to needs of another or being a lion and standing firm for WHO YOU authentically are, just the way god made you.
Choose wisely. You deserve it!