“The ONLY place you need to be – is in your magic zone. We all have a magic zone. We all use our zone. All the time. The trick is being conscious to what we are creating and making sure that our magic zone is being used for all the bliss, joy, play and abundance it was intended instead of the suffering, fear, destruction and chaos so many of us choose to use it for. — What are you creating?” – KW
Be Your Full Potential This Coming Year!
Here we sit yet once again at the end of one year and the ushering into another. You would think that the whole world would be truly celebrating that we as a world society get to move forward into the next arena of life on this planet. You would think that each and every soul on this planet including yourself would be ecstatic with joy and hope for the new year and all it has to offer. After all new years is all about getting a fresh start. Having learned what we needed from the past year we can now move forward with an excitement and expectation of greatness. However it is more common for for us to be experiencing pain, suffering, fear, anger, remorse and almost a desire for this time to not move forward but to somehow reset to the beginning of the current year so that we can travel through it with 20/20 vision and make different choices, see things differently, and act differently.
For more than 80%of the population we may have a desire to make this new year one of all our dreams coming true, or at very least sticking to most of our goals and making some positive life changes so that we can feel accomplished at the end of the day and year. We desire that the feelings we are having and trying to ignore through too much alcohol, food, partying and random excessive entertainment with games and television, we desire not to ignore these feelings but to simply NOT have them to begin with. Therefore we desire CHANGE. Transformation.
There are so many people in my life that I know are experiencing these sensations. I have seen people go through divorce this years end, have been served papers for it or finished a long process with it. Many uncertain as to the standings of their relationship status. I have seen many people loose their jobs, their homes, cars. Not have enough food on their tables for nightly dinner. There are many who I know who are dealing with death this season in one way or another and even some that have been diagnosed with a terminal illness and find themselves feeling like they NOW don’t have the time to give and share all that they thought they were going to be able too. I have seen people question their purpose all year long. I have seen people try and make their purpose their relationship. I have seen people dig and get mad to the point of quitting because they have no clue what to do with what is surfacing and they have no idea how the things coming up serve them healing what they had originally set out to work on.
I have also seen many people discover love. Purpose. Direction.
Everything that I have seen has NOTHING to do with what we choose to typically focus on at this time of the year. That being how many presents we got or gave, or the deal we got or even the president of the USA. None of the things that truly matter are the things that our media or lifestyles has us focusing on.
The things that matter are REALLY SIMPLE.
The bottom line for every human being is the same.
We ALL WANT HAPPINESS.
Everything that we do is an attempt to achieve this sensation.
We change or stay in a relationship because we hope it will make us happy.
We keep a job or strive for a new one because we hope it will lead to happiness.
We exercise and change what our diets are to loose weight or firm up our bodies, not because we truly care what we look like, but because we are hoping that the look and feeling of our bodies will make us happy in some way.
We learn new things to bring more joy into our lives. Weather that is through experience or money.
We offer our helping hand not because we truly believe that it is needed, wanted or should happen (although we convince ourselves of this) but because we hope that in our pursuit to be a “good person” that we will be happier.
EVERYTHING – everything, that we do is about OUR happiness.
So why is it so damn fucking hard to actually do the things that will truly make us happy and give us ever lasting change and the creation of our FUCK YES LIFE?
Why do we choose to find excuses as to not do the things and get the help that we need in life to make the life that we desire?
You know it is said that if you desire something, that the thing desires you as well. In other words, the things we crave at our soul level are calling to us and asking us to do the things that we need to do to grow ourselves and create the consciousness required to connect to our desires.
Each and everyone of us has a the same ability to make the choices that we need to make for ourselves to create the life that we want for this coming New Year.
The only real question’s you need to ask yourself are these:
▪ What are your top 1-3 areas of change/transformation that you know you need or want to work on in this new year? ▪ What is the long term impact of not making these changes? ▪ If things stay the same what does it mean to you and what does it look like? ▪ What is different NOW compared to 6 months, a year ago, five years ago? ▪ What is your commitment level to yourself to make these changes?
What is the ONE thing you need to do in life to die happy?
Make this year a year of your full potential.
You deserve your greatness to be revealed.
It is truly fucking time to STOP playing small!
Our world needs YOU!
I can tell you that the world needs more men, women, couple’s turned on, vibrant, living on purpose and by their desires.
The world needs people who are transforming the world through their passion for life. This is ONLY done through opening up NOT to more work – but more PLAY.
The ONLY secret you ever need learn to have the life that you know you deserve and desire is the lesson to ALLOW YOUR OWN PLEASURE.
We have had our ability to receive pleasure in all forms taught right out of us. Our world is so focused on living by scarcity and taunt economics. No great thing every happened without allowing for some deliberate slack. In the slack we prevent the hyperactivity of our minds, energy and drive. In hyperactivity we loose fun, pleasure and joy. Everything becomes work and we cannot breathe or flow.
When we embrace that “slack” equals room to change. Room to grow. To create. We then open the doorway to the creation of our desires.
We gain compassion, understanding, direction.
There most certainly is an art to living in your bliss. But it is a most delicious process. And for those of us who choose to transform our lives and therefore the lives of all on this planet through pleasure, play and happiness we KNOW that it is a venture well worth moving into.
But it requires Your ALL.
▪ Are you ready to make this a year of your full potential? ▪ Are your ready t o have the Fuck YES Life you deserve? ▪ Are you ready to live out the year having the relationships, the sex, the money, the career, the travel, the health that you want?
This and MORE is possible.
Take my hand and take the plunge into your GREATNESS!
Email me about being in the Pre-launch group for my New Fuck Yes to Life Coaching – and discover the top 10 focuses you need to play with to have the life you desire in 2017!!! DON’T Wait. The Pre- launch pricing will only be offered to the first 50 people who si
Imagine you woke up today with ONLY the things you gave thanks to the creator for yesterday.
2016 has been a year of transformation which means a year of chaos, turbulence, perceived suffering and ego drama for many including myself. So many people that I have worked with over the course of this year came to me with visions of desires that they truly wanted and still do but were faced with the healing process of mourning.
Perhaps you are one of these sweet souls who is going through this transition somewhere in your life or in multiple areas of your life. Mourning is something that we typically relate to the death of a loved one and we allow ourselves to feel the pain of loss for them as we figure out how to take the next step in life and move forward. The mourning process often finds us feeling:
We recognize these feelings as a state of depression. We know that we cannot change the events and through the process of mourning we tend to focus in on ALL the characteristics, moments and feelings about the thing that we lost that we LOVED, APPRECIATED and wished we still had. In this moment we find ourselves appreciative and upset. Angered at our loss but appreciative that we had been blessed with the moments spent.
So how does this relate to TODAY which happens to be Thanksgiving or the transformation process and all the shit that happens on this path of growth?
Simple, our true growth and transformation comes when we can allow ourselves this same right of mourning even with the programs and shifts that we know we have to make that are holding us back from our true abundance and power.
Why should we mourn or be grateful for these programs, negative events and suffering you may ask?
Because these events, programs and perceived suffering is exactly what we needed to make us strong enough to have the vulnerability, the courage to walk the path of our destiny. It is these very things that teach us about gratitude. Without these events and feeling in our lives we would act like a spoiled Charles born with a silver spoon in our mouth. We would indeed take life and all our blessings for granted. And even with all the trauma that we humans inflict on ourselves as we move through life we still manage to lead a life full of blessings that we constantly take for granted.
No matter how bad it is in any one persons life there is ALWAYS a place for gratitude. No matter how abused, sick, broke, hungry, abandoned, lonely or in pain a person is there ARE BLESSINGS. How can I say this? Obviously I have no clue what I am speaking because I have not walked in the shoes of the homeless man who sleeps on the cold streets of Chicago. I have not been abandoned by my family . I am not suffering with a drug addiction. I am not dying from an incurable illness. I am not living in a sex slave camp. I have not witnessed my whole village and family massacred before my very eyes. Or any other horrible human trial. But still, I write this in complete confidence that no matter what the trail, the pain, the suffering or situation that there is BLESSING and a place for gratitude. If nothing else there is a blessing in the lesson.
The lessons of our soul come in two formats:
Pleasure and Pain.
It is when we discover the blessing in our suffering or wound as I like to say that we actually step foot on our true path. It is in our wounds that we discover our passion, our purpose and our GIFT to the world.
Only through gratitude can we fully embrace our calling.
But just saying that we are thankful is not enough. We must actually touch gratitude with the feeling of it penetrating our core, our heart. We must enter a space where we not only speak our gratitude but act on it. Without committing to gifting the world with our appreciation and moving into the lessons of our wounds we remain closed and shut up. We keep ourselves armored and locked away where we can not relate, feel love or joy.
We prevent ourselves from living a life of abundance. When we hide away from the mourning process which leads us to gratitude we in turn say, ” No thanks to the Fuck YES Life! ” The life that you experience not just yeah that sounds nice but Fuck YES I want that. Fuck YES I am blessed. Fuck YES this is awesome. Fuck Yes I am in Love! Fuck Yes I am living my dream.
So on this day of Thanksgiving focus on what your blessings are.
Find the hidden blessings and start by praising life for the opportunities that come in those challenges.
“_When we commit to truly being present in the moment, realizing that the past is just a story and the future is still being created, we can find true happiness. When we realize that gratitude can shift any situation in our life from a challenge or a normal day to a day of joy, opportunity, and blessing. Even in the darkest days we can choose to see how that moment can gift us compassion, strength, growth, empathy, and a lesson that, if learned, can transform our reality. Life truly transforms when you start counting your blessings. When you stop focusing on what you do have instead of what you don’t. When we focus on what we HAVE we always end up with more things to be grateful for.”_ – Joeel and Natalie Rivera
What would you have today based on your appreciation of yesterday?
For anyone that I work with face to face, you know that I have a white board in my office where I update according to what spirit guides to share and leave special quotes and thoughts, questions on this board for all my beautiful peep’s to explore internally. Recently one of my statements was, ” We connect through our drama.” This statement caught some attention and caused a few people to question if this was accurate or if they felt other wise. In my coaching I do many coaching calls with people all over the place and one of my dear clients I was speaking with brought out a comment from me that I felt pertinent to share here as well as further thought on it.
The comment from me was: “Through looking for approval we also gain connection.”
This comment seems to being hanging out in my practice right now. It keeps coming up with so many people. The questions/thought that follow it are:
Is asking for approval needy?
If this is so then this is why I don’t do it as much when I am feeling confident and centered in myself.
But when I have confidence and don’t need approval or opinions from others then is this disconnect?
So what is the best chosen path: disconnection or looking for connection through approval? How do they each benefit me?
Yes looking for approval and opinion is connection based. Is this needy?
It can be, but not always. We as human beings need connection for basic survival and health. Our psyche’s health depends on connection. For the same reason we create drama in our lives – which is another connection based activity- we also look for approval, insight, opinion. We as well down play our greatness or blessings and we build up our trauma or pain. These are tools of connection.
What you have to truly look at is what sort of connection are you desiring?
There are many levels of connection.
For the most part many people say they want a deep connection and to be authentically seen but if given the opportunity to have this they become scared and sabotage it through ego based relating. The majority of relationships, may they be friendships, work or intimate, even marriages and with children are surface connections. To authentically relate and allow yourself to be seen and felt as well as remain open to seeing and feeling another at this level is an incredibly hard space to stand in. Yet is a desire for most.
Permission is only needed from ourselves for ourselves.
Confidence is something that only serves us if we are acting from our heart space, our soul. If we are in ego then confidence will disconnect us and actually come across as cockiness. A confident person is not a disconnected person. A confident person is someone willing to open themselves up and be seen, be felt, be human. They are comfortable asking for what they need, desire and they are also comfortable with hearing another’s authentic answer even if it means that the other is not good with giving what has been asked. Confidence is courage. Courage to see ones ego. Courage to make mistakes and ask questions. Courage to face the reality that our old programs will always pop up to haunt us and the only thing we can do is get better at seeing them and then acting differently. Courage to love ourselves just as we are and forgive ourselves for our past’s. Courage to embrace those that frustrate, hurt, anger or sadden us and realize that some where in our past we too have been guilty of doing the same in a similar energy, therefore there is no need to try and change where another is but just accept that their path is what it is as ours is as well.
The only way we disconnect is to shut ourselves down from the beauty of opening up.
When we choose openness and love we choose connection. First with ourselves (as the relationship we have with self is the set-point for all other relationships) and then with those in our lives.
So what is the best path? The best path is the one you are on. The best path is to learn to love and fully accept yourself in all your humanness. This is the ONLY path and you are never off of it, it is always with you and you will be traveling it even when you feel you are lost.
Feeling like you could use direction, guidance, support or opening to your authentic self?
So here is where more than my Naked Musings come into play! How can I help you be the best you that YOU desire and crave Living that Fuck Yes Life that you know at your core is waiting for you but scares the hell out of you? Reach out to me to explore one of my Orgasm Coaching Programs for men, women and couples or email me (email@example.com) about getting on the waiting list for the VIP Fuck Yes to Life Coaching that is coming this Fall 2016!
Think about this for a moment: Why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you?
There’s a grey area in dating many people get hung up on — a grey area where feelings are ambiguous or one person has stronger feelings than the other. This grey area causes real, tangible issues. As a man, a huge question is often whether to be persistent and continue pursuing a woman even when she seems lukewarm or hot/cold on your advances. For women, a common question is what to do with men who make their feelings ambiguous.
“She said she’s not interested, but she still flirts with me, so what do I need to do to get her?” “Well, I know she likes me, but she didn’t call me back last weekend, what should I do?” “He treats me well when he’s around, but he’s hardly around. What does that mean?”
Most dating advice exists to “solve” this grey area for people. Say this line. Text her this. Call him this many times. Wear that.
Much of it gets exceedingly analytical, to the point where some men and women actually spend more time analyzing behaviors than actually, you know, behaving.
Frustration with this grey area also drives many people to unnecessary manipulation, drama and game-playing. This is where you get rules about making men pay for this many dates before you can become intimate. Or how men need to transition from attraction phase to comfort phase by qualifying three times before they’re allowed to commence an escalation ladder.
These things may seem clever and exciting to some people who are stuck or frustrated. But this dating advice misses the point. If you’re in the grey area to begin with, you’ve already lost.
Let me ask again: Why would you ever be excited to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? If they’re not happy with you now, what makes you think they’ll be happy to be with you later? Why do you make an effort to convince someone to date you when they make no effort to convince you?
What does that say about you? That you believe you need to convince people to be with you?
You wouldn’t buy a dog that bites you all the time. And you wouldn’t be friends with someone who regularly ditches you. You wouldn’t work a job that doesn’t pay you. Then why the hell are you trying to make a girlfriend out of a woman who doesn’t want to date you? Where’s your self-respect?
The entrepreneur Derek Sivers once wrote a blog post where he said, “If I’m not saying ‘Hell Yeah!’ to something, then I say no.” It served him well in the business world and now I’d like to apply it to the dating world. And because I’m more of a vulgar asshole than Derek is, I’ll christen mine The Law of “Fuck Yes or No.”
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “Fuck Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
As you can see, The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” implies that both parties must be enthusiastic about the prospect of one another’s company. Why? Because attractive, non-needy, high self-worth people don’t have time for people who they are not excited to be with and who are not excited to be with them.
This may sound a bit idealistic to some. But The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” has many tangible benefits on your dating life:
No longer be strung along by people who aren’t that into you. End all of the headaches. End the wishing and hoping. End the disappoint and anger that inevitably follows. Start practicing self-respect. Become the rejector, not the rejected.
No longer pursue people you are so-so on for ego purposes. We’ve all been there. We were so-so about somebody, but we went along with it because nothing better was around. And we all have a few we’d like to take back. No more.
Consent issues are instantly resolved. If someone is playing games with you, playing hard to get, or pressuring you into doing something you’re unsure about, your answer is now easy. Or as I often like to say in regards to dating, “If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.”
Establish strong personal boundaries and enforce them. Maintaining strong boundaries not only makes one more confident and attractive, but also helps to preserve one’s sanity in the long-run.
Always know where you stand with the other person. Since you’re now freeing up so much time and energy from people you’re not that into, and people who are not that into you, you now find yourself perpetually in interactions where people’s intentions are clear and enthusiastic. Sweet!
The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is applicable to dating, sex, relationships, even friendships. You may have absolutely nothing in common with that bartender. But they’re hot and are interested in getting down. Is it a “Fuck Yes!” for sex? It is? Then game on.
Wrapped up in that sweet guy who treats you so well, except goes weeks without calling you and suddenly disappears after a couple drinks and a round of the horizontal polka? Been wondering if he really likes you? Do his excuses of being so busy all the time seem legit? It doesn’t sound like the answer is a “Fuck yes.” Then it’s time to move on.
Making out with a girl at your house and every time you go to take her shirt off she swats your hands away? That is not a “Fuck Yes,” my friend, therefore, it’s a no and you shouldn’t pressure her. The best sex is “Fuck Yes” sex — i.e., both people are shouting “Fuck Yes” as they hop between the sheets together. If she’s not hopping, then there’s no fucking.
(Hint Fellas: This is a great time to ask the girl why she’s not comfortable, and what she’s looking for from you. That, by itself — you know, treating her like a human and empathizing with her — often solves this “problem.”)
Want to date that woman you met last weekend but she keeps ignoring your texts and calls? Not sure what to say or do, especially since she seemed so happy to go out with you when you initially met her? Well, my friend, this is obviously not a “Fuck Yes.” Therefore, it is a “No.” Delete her number and move on.
Fuck Yes or No applies to relationships as well. My girlfriend works with a guy who got married because “it seemed like the right thing to do.” Four years later, he was cheating on his wife every chance he got. The marriage was not a Fuck Yes for him, therefore it should have been a No.
Sometimes The Law of Fuck Yes or No will apply differently on different levels. You may be a “Fuck Yes” for friendship with someone, but mildly excited to have sex with them. Therefore, it’s a no. You may be a “Fuck Yes” on banging someone’s brains out, but a definite “No” on actually spending any time with them. Apply the law to your decision-making as it suits your current needs.
Fuck Yes or No doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be falling in knee-wobbling love at first sight. It doesn’t even mean you have be completely convinced that someone is right for you. You can be “Fuck Yes” about getting to know someone better. You can be “Fuck Yes” about seeing someone again because you think there’s something there. You can be “Fuck Yes” about giving things a few months to pan out and see if you can fix the problems in the relationship.
The point is: both you and the other person need to be fuck yes about something, otherwise you’re just wasting your time.
But the real beauty of The Law of “Fuck Yes or No” is that it simplifies the problems you can have in your dating life. When applying the Law of “Fuck Yes or No,” there are really only two problems one can have.
The first problem is people who never feel a “Fuck Yes” for anybody they meet. If you are lukewarm on absolutely everyone you meet, then either your demographics are way off, or you suffer from a lack of vulnerability and are protecting yourself by remaining indifferent and unenthused by all of those around you.
Remember, it’s your job to look for something cool in everyone you meet; it’s not their job to show you. This is life, not a fucking sales convention. Learning to appreciate people you meet is a skill you cultivate. So get on it. This doesn’t mean you have to fall in love with everyone who breathes in your direction. It just means you need to take responsibility for your ability to connect with the people you are meeting.
The second problem is people who never meet others who feel a “Fuck Yes” for them. If all of the people you pursue give you a mild response, or outright rejections, then it’s time to focus on improving yourself. Ask yourself, what is it about yourself that would inspire others to say “Fuck Yes” about you? If the answer is not obvious, then you get to work. Build yourself into a person others would say “Fuck Yes” to.
And this is the ultimate dating advice lesson — man, woman, gay, straight, trans, furry, whatever — the only real dating advice is self improvement. Everything else is a distraction, a futile battle in the grey area, a prolonged ego trip. Because, yes, with the right tools and performance, you may be able to con somebody into sleeping with you, dating you, even marrying you. But you will have won the battle by sacrificing the war, the war of long-term happiness.
This year is so different then any other for my family and myself, It is hard for me to comprehend even that I don’t have to make a turkey or sides and there is no fancy themed menu planning. Instead I am blessed this year with my beautiful daughter and her man who are hosting and taking care of all of us plus his family. Looking in from the window of experience and life into their world I find myself smiling often at the lessons and experiences that they go through as a young couple. I see the fears, the trauma, the healing, the joy and the hopefulness. I see the self imposed restrictions and the child like awe. It is a beautiful thing to watch and to support.
2015 has been a year that has me counting many blessings. There has been a massive amount of growth for myself, my lovers, my children, my clients and friends. It is a daily event (designed that way BTW, because keeping gratitude at the fore front of our life is a practice that keeps us drawing in more things to be grateful for) for me to run through my list of joy and gratitude. I recall the years gone by that I use to not do this fundamental practice of bliss. Back then I lead a life of misery, pain, suffering, depression, fear, anxiety and just shear blahhhh. Until about 7 years ago now, I discovered the magic of gratitude. I decided that maybe if I turned my focus on the things that were a blessing and really did start counting them that I would at the very least be reminded that there was always something positive in life, no matter how hard the storm clouds hit. SO there I was, a stay at home mother of 5 children, our house had been foreclosed on, my husband was jobless and lost on his path, we were fighting and drinking to much, the light in our eyes and in our children’s was becoming dimmer by the second. Ego was running a muck and on top of it if and when we had sex it was slam bam with no thank you mam but instead the development of a yeast infection, bladder infection or worse the Chrone’s that I had taken on would flare up. Living like this made me internally angry at life. I blamed everyone and everything. Feeling like I was never good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough. I had myself convinced that I was a piss poor mother and my kids would be better off with someone else. I looked in the mirror and wanted to scream. I hated my reflection. I would actually vocalize my hate to myself by picking on the fine lines I saw, the flabby tummy, the grey hair I would find, the sadness in my eyes, the little crookedness to my lips or the fact that my eye’s are not perfectly the same. Anything that was human I hated on.
The more I hated on my humanness the deeper into the turbulence and depression I crept. It was not until I flipped the the switch and started to appreciate and like even love my humanness AKA myself ,that I found the courage and strength to take care of myself and do the things that were required for me to support the life that I desired at my core.
Once I did this life became more vibrant. But how did I flip the switch?
That is all I did! I started to find things on a daily scale to be thankful for. At first I looked outward and found my thankfulness in my children’s health, in the fact that I did have a roof even if temporary over my head, I had food on the table, I had clothes to wear and my favorite one then and now still is I have opportunity. From there I slowly played with gratitude for things about myself such as I love reading. I am a good cook, and so on and so forth. The list grew until one day I was telling myself that I was a goddess and I was blessed with love and joy. Today my daily gratitudes still have my children’s health and the roof over my head, the air in my lungs, my cozy down feather comforter and pillows but they also include my dynamic relationships, orgasmic sex, full of soul love affairs and empowered clients. Today I look out and I see more opportunity then not and I see a life that manifests luck and a state of bliss instead of suffering and shut down. And here are the incredible things that I have noticed on a physical level from focusing on counting my blessings:
I am stronger and more of life
I see and experience more opportunity
I feel younger and more in awe of life.
I don’t look my age.
My health and metabolism are better.
Money and abundance flows more effortlessly.
I am multi-orgasmic
I have deeper connection in my relationships.
I have more profound loving moments.
I see growth and opportunity where I once saw fear and anxiety.
I truly am on a path of learning how to better love and respect myself.
I support my needs instead of looking for someone else to fill the gap within my own being.
I am content and happy being alone with myself.
I am more creative and free flowing.
I catch my ego more.
I love myself instead of shame myself.
I allow, expect and even find humor in my humanness.
I know without a doubt I AM BLESSED and I deserve it!
I expect and look for miracles.
So on this day of gratitude in the USA take a moment to not just have outward gratitude for the men and women who have fought and given their lives but for the man or woman who is staring back at you in the mirror and accepts the challenge of courageously facing fears, opening up their love center and exploring this glorious thing called life. If you feel like this is not you then all the more reason to pause and analyze the TRUTH.
If you chose to open your eye’s this morning and put your feet on the floor, if you chose to breathe in the air of this morning and take a step forward (even if that was toward the bathroom) then you are showing great courage and willingness to embrace risk and challenges. This life of ours has no guarantee’s. We are offered no more then we are willing to put forth and to give.
Today allow yourself to be gentle with yourself, realize that you are plagued with this disease that everyone else on the planet has as well, HUMANNESS.
And Gosh Dang It, Its a pretty fucking awesome disease too!
You are the creator of your destiny, but the blissed out life and journey ONLY come from learning to be grateful for and Loving YOURSELF.
Happy Thanksgiving and TODAY start your path with this commitment:
I once read an article where the author said: “Never sleep with someone you don’t want to be.” Such a profound statement. In Tantric teachings it is also taught that all the people with whom we make love to, leave a trace into our being.
It’s likely that many have noticed how they have experienced varying degrees of pleasure, different orgasms and excitement with different partners in their life. Why is it though that with one partner we experience really powerful orgasms while with another partner the orgasms are either weak or non-existent? Usually it is said that it’s not a good match physically. Physical compatibility is of course important, but there’s a lot more in play here.
All of us hold both feminine and masculine energy and for our whole lives we seek to keep these two energies in balance. We are attracted to the opposite sex because they have what we need. Women share their feminine energy with men and men share their masculine energy with women. Those on the spiritual path aspire to the same experience through various practices like yoga, meditation, etc. We all subconsciously seek for it. Whenever we spend time with or have sex with the opposite gender the energies get balanced for a moment. The moment we experience an orgasm is the moment when masculine and feminine energies in our being are balanced – the plus and the minus have become zero. And this zero-point is different with different partners.
Our inner masculine
Let’s take a closer look at this process. As a woman my feminine side is more active and my masculine side is asleep, so to say. To awaken the masculine energy that lies dormant in me I need a man. Not every man though can awaken the masculine energy in me. The masculine in me is of a certain type – tantric teachings describe that he is the whole of our past lives that we lived as men and affected by men with whom we’ve had close relations with in this life. This means that my inner male has certain features and an appearance. To connect with my inner male it’s enough for me to look at what kind of men I’m attracted to – those who best match my inner male also awaken him the most in me.
Suppose there are two men: Marc and Dave. Marc awakens my inner man 50% and Dave 90%. We don’t experience powerful orgasms with Marc, but with Dave the sex is simply glorious. This means that Dave is very similar to my inner male. This shows for example that if I attract so called bad boys, my inner male also carries a similar energy. So if I’m more with the so-called good guys, my inner male is good as well. This means, that if we wish to attract a different type of a partner, we need to consciously work with changing our inner male.
The inner male can be changed through spiritual practices. For example if I purify my being, then my inner male gets purified with it. Or we can change our inner male by knowingly starting to spend time with the types of men we want to be like. This can be problematic at first as these types of men might not seem very attractive initially. This is why this needs to be a very conscious decision. If we consistently spend more time with good guys, then soon they won’t appear as boring, because our inner male has started to change. You don’t always need to have intercourse with these people; even spending time as friends is enough for our inner male to start picking up features from them. One moment you might notice that your taste in men has changed completely.
Exactly the same description of the process goes for men and their inner females. And naturally our inner male or female is similar to our father or mother, as people with whom we’ve spent a lot of time together. Oftentimes men seek for a woman similar to their mother as women seek for men similar to their father.
Women are receptive
There’s another important topic here that is good for women to know. When we live with certain types of men, our own being starts become like them – due to a simple principle that women receive and men give. This goes much deeper though. One of the re-occurring topics of relationships is women’s emotionality. It is as if men don’t have any emotions at all, they are peaceful and stable, while women have a constant storm of emotions. Both partners play an important role in all relationship situations. Women are by nature more sensitive and also more receptive. Many women have surely noticed how they are calm and balanced when living alone. Then they meet a man, spend some time together and suddenly it’s as if she’s another woman. How so? There is of course personal development in relationships and we push each other’s buttons, but there is more to this.
Men who have been taught to suppress their feelings since young have learned other ways to unload their emotions and one of those ways is sex. So where will they unload their emotions during sex? Into the woman of course, who energetically receives the man’s storm of emotions and stores it in her. The man feels relief while the woman can’t keep the storm inside her as it would damage the woman. The woman ends up expressing the man’s emotional storm and gets blamed for it.
Women who don’t express their emotions though, might get health problems. Cervical cancer is one example. This is the second most common cause of death for women after breast cancer, while there are only 30-40 cases per a large state of men dying due to penile cancer.
In an energetical level men release their stress into women, thus grounding themselves with sex, and women in their receptivity take it in. Our cervix is very receptive and delicate as our center of our femininity. This makes it important to check with whom to have intercourse with, what the underlying energy-exchange might be like and what will we be taking into our being. If it seems that the man uses sex only to discharge themselves, then a smart woman would decline of such sex.
Sexual intercourse is for balancing each other – where a woman gives tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity to the man and the man on his part offers balance, grounding and inner direction to the woman. Sexual energy should be used consciously for strengthening the relationship bond and creating more love energy. This is one of the differenciating characteristics of a tantric couple when compared to a so-called regular relationship – the tantric couple is conscious in both their relationship and their sexuality.
Sexual slackness is rather common in our society and has little to do with being conscious. When partners cheat on each other in a relationship, then even if they don’t understand it, they’ll be bringing energy from other people into their relationship. By having affairs, one collects other people’s energetic baggage and this ends up affecting their everyone and the relationship.
Successful businessman and author Jim Rohn has said: „You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Next time you’re about to have intercourse with someone ask yourself: would I want to be this person? Do I respect them or not? Do the qualities they carry in themselves make me a better person? How well do I even know this person?
When a friend shared this article with me, I knew it was something I had to pass along to everyone. Tantric Practitioner, Katrin hits the nail on the head in this blog post.
I could do a workshop just on this concept it is so powerful and the true understanding goes into the spiritual and quantum physical realms. It is an ancient concept and one that I personally have prescribed to since I started my own healing work on myself many years ago in the land of sexuality.
Quick story: There is a man, he might even be reading this newsletter right now…lol – This man from the first time I met him rocked my sexual energy world. My body ignited from looking at him, from the smell of his scent, from his kiss and when he spoke with that Mathew McConaughey voice my knees quaked and my pussy got wetter. Our talks were always good, we laughed and enjoyed so many things in common. I spent almost 5 years trying to make the relationship work. I wanted truly nothing other than his friendship and some hot sex, which one would assume would be a slam dunk when the turn on is so high as it is and was with this man. However, the problem was that every time we went there I literally could not feel him and then the after math of our sexing was that I would become extremely hormonal, angry, depressed and even physically sick. My body would ache. I felt like a used old shoe that had been kicked under the bed to be forgotten. I felt like I was just that a “fuck” and not even a fuck buddy, but just some place for him to jack off into. I felt like a container for his stress and all the negativity and chaos he had going on in his life would just cast a nasty shadow on me for a few weeks after.
Why was this?
Because women are receptive. And because in all actuality I was nothing more than this for him, my heart and soul knew from the first time we had sex and my body tried to warn me, but my stubbornness persisted and I kept trying to fix what was never meant to be.
Try explaining that to someone when your breaking up….
Another quick tale: I was married for 17 years to the same man. Him and I had 5 children together, worked on building a business together, did the whole through tough times, sickness and health thing. We stuck it out the best we could in the face of everything that we created and tried running from. Around year 11 or 12 of our marriage things became really toxic. We had had issues in the past but we were now really lost at sea and it appeared that I had developed a case of some really bad depression, even bi-polarness and everyone told me that I needed medicine. I would fly off the handle at seemingly little things, I did not want anything to do with sex and then I was a raging horn dog, I would develop yeast infections, bladder infections, kidney infections, sinus infections and had migraines. I was constantly tired, over weight, and hated life. I was sad all the time and could not find the light at the end of any tunnel because there was no tunnel, the darkness had just consumed me. I did some really crazy ass shit in this 3 year time frame. I burned my wedding dress and ring, I axed our garage refrigerator, I got mad so took it out on a toilet and almost lost my finger, I karate chopped the Christmas tree with all the ornaments on it. I stripped and dared the cops to come get me as I walked sown the street. And I woke up everyday wishing I had not woke up. I was lost in misery.
Today, most people who know me would have a tough time believing I could ever do that. Looking back I can hardly believe that I did that stuff, because it is not inside me at all to act like that. So what was the cause of my chaos, depression and bi-polarness?
It’s what I was being down loaded with in my sex life from mu husband. Not blaming him here, for we both had no clue. But looking back, my body was begging me to stop infecting it with this chaos. It rebelled by giving me yeast infections, bladder infections and other chronic issues. It was trying to protect me. But I did my wifely duty and had sex.
Today, I lead a calm, turned on life. My ex- husband, still living in the chaos, depression and bi-polarness. He is still confused and lost .
Today I look at the men I choose to share myself with and they all are of higher vibrations, they are determined, driven, clear, smooth energy men. They love playfulness, the adore learning, they avoid chaos and drama, they maintain their emotions and work on themselves before pointing the finger outward. They are extraordinary gentlemen and they download into me with our sexing and orgasms a life that I want to live, a life that is full, harmonious and on purpose.
So, yes we DO become like the people we have sex with. So be cautious as to who you are regularly enjoying intimate moments with, because there is no other place like the bedroom where association means so much.
Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….
Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.
In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”
Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”
She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.
But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.
Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”
She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”
“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”
An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)
Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.
Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”
So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.
Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”
Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.
Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”
Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”
It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.
Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”
That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.
If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.” ORIGINAL ARTICLE
If you want her to desire you … NEVER do these things:
I have long considered physical intimacy between men and women as a very unfunny cosmic joke.
Men get physical as a way to open up and emotionally connect to their partner. Women need to feel emotionally connected to their partners before opening up physically. I mean, who designed this system?
Bridging this gap in approaches is often very difficult and exhausting for even the most committed couples. Left on their own, couples can end up in destructive patterns and eventually succumb to the often devastating outcome that is a sexless marriage — each partner feeling turned off by the other.
But this sexless outcome is not inevitable. When approached well, sex in marriage is usually more frequent and better than that of single lovers. Which means many married couples keep their sex lives hot!
How do those husbands do it? The secret to turning your wife on, gentlemen, is also knowing (and avoiding) what seriously turns her OFF. So, if you’re doing any of these oh-so unattractive things — please stop!
1. Letting yourself go
While it is commonly accepted that men are the visual creatures, women also desire physical attractiveness in their partners. I don’t think it’s fair to expect anybody’s body to remain unchanged throughout the years, but making an effort to maintain your appearance is a signal to your wife that she’s worth making an effort for.
Unless bad breath, body odor, scratchy face, beer belly, and worn out, dumpy clothes are what she fell in love with, lose them now.
2. Randomly groping her body
While my husband assures me that men would love it if their wives spontaneously grabbed their junk, most women do NOT feel the same way. Being groped every time they walk by, as if “a butt” or “boobs” is all they are does not endear women to men (nor wives to their husbands). Neither does touching them only when you desire sex.
Instead, try offering physical affection with no strings attached. It actually increases intimacy when the time is right. And yes, women can tell the difference between the two.
3. Half-assing foreplay
I once heard a man say that foreplay should begin as soon as her last orgasm is over. He wasn’t talking about physical foreplay, but emotional foreplay. Women and men feel desire differently. It’s often hard for a woman to feel sexual desire when she is not feeling loved, acknowledged, and appreciated. Wherever a woman’s mind is, her body is going to follow.
While, true, she also has a role in being open to sex, you can do a lot to help her get there. Spontaneously, willingly and consistently take something off her plate, like doing the dishes or making lunches. Doing so can make a huge difference in her desire for you. As does anything that brings a bit of ease to her world. Approaches like “Wooga, wooga baby, wanna get lucky?” — not so much!
4. Not learning what pleases her unique body
Just as all men aren’t built the same, neither are women. What worked with a previous partner may not work (at all) with your wife. (This also applies to what’s portrayed in porn, as well). In addition, her ever-changing hormones can make a huge difference in her interest and enjoyment of sex. True intimacy, and great sex, happen when you’re both enjoying yourself.
This means really focusing on what arouses and satisfies her. That said, mechanically going through the “routine” each and every time, so you can get to your climax is neither generous nor emotionally fulfilling for her. It’s also important to remember that she may need physical arousal before she can feel desire. I find this is true for many women, so expecting your wife to initiate intimacy can lead to frustration for the both of you.
5. Sulking when you don’t get sex
Even if you’re suffering in a truly sexless marriage, it is a huge (repeat: HUGE) turn off if you pout, get angry, or otherwise react badly when she turns your advances down. I know it’s hurtful (and even embarrassing) but your partner always has the right to say “no” to sex. If it happens all the time, then it’s a real problem that the two of you need to lovingly deal with … together.
If it’s only an occasional occurrence that she’s “not in the mood”, then making her feel bad will only breed resentment towards you. And nothing kills attraction like resentment. And, besides, do you really want her to have sex with you out of guilt? (If so, she’s likely saying “no” with good reason.)
Sex is a wonderful part of a marriage, but it’s only one part. There’s a lot of information out there on how to improve your sex life. However, if there are problems outside of the bedroom, there will certainly be problems in it. This is especially true if women aren’t feeling loved.
So, the most important thing you can do to make sure your wife feels turned on is making sure your marriage, outside the bedroom, is in a good place.
“True love, it’s not something you have to work at.” – Previous Lover of Mine
Relationship breakdown when does it happen? How does it start? What are the road signs and how can we repair the damage before the door slams shut on our love?
Relationship take a massive amount of work and dedication to maintain. For anyone who is fearful of getting involved with a high maintenance personality I strongly suggest you re-evaluate relationship in general as ALL relationships ARE high maintenance. The main problem that we humans have today with our understanding or should I say expectation of intimate relationships is that they should just be and remain. Once established the relationship should allowing the parties involved to deal without worry with other life events such as work, children, friends, health, finances and even our down time or play time. Granted all of these life events are important but we tend to quickly forget and take for granted the primary calling of our heart: Our love relationship. We get trapped in the belief that we have time to make things work, to prove our love, to heal wounds and to get or give forgiveness. We have time to deepen our bonds and stoke the fires of passion. All the while forgetting that it is in this very moment that we choose to keep or loose what is most dear to us.
In my years now of working with couples and singles who have suffered relationship breakup and even when I look back at my past relationship(s) to witnessing what may seem like small events that are unavoidable in my current relationship I have come to be aware that D Day does not happen in a moment’s notice, it is long, slow and gradual to sneak up on lovers. It actually starts early on in relationship and is masked by many different names: Work related stress, fear of vocalization, avoidance, raising a family, old programs and expectations, etc.
Often it is the man that is the most shocked at the loss of relationship. Being so caught up in taking the lead on being the provider and protector of his lover and offspring he is blinded from reality and is calloused to the disconnect. Excuses form in his head and Mr. Fix it is always internally speaking out assuring that the plan that has been forged will save the day and show the love needed. Sadly, this is often not the case.
From the female view point she may be feeling lost, abandoned, fearful, smothered from her duties as a woman and holding up the self-imposed as well as relationship and societal expectations put upon her. She from this viewpoint of the pain body sees her man not as Mr. Fix It but as Mr. Broken Promise. The more he slaves away trying to repair damage, save the day, and be her knight the more she sees a lost little boy who is trying to prove himself and has forgotten about her love and true needs. Over the course of years she withdraws more and more into herself, perhaps hiding behind a masculine energy where she feels more secure and in control now because dancing in her feminine causes to much heart and soul pain, once soft and vulnerable to her mate she has now turned cold, distant and duty focused. Mr. Fix It finds himself years later wondering how this disconnect and lack of intimacy was bread and comforts himself with the reality check of normalcy and the excuse of life, not truly wanting to delve into the dark waters of truth that seven short years prior when he chose to innocently break her trust and she chose to not ignite her fire and test him out of fear of losing him was the actual breeding ground. In that moment from the past neither party were consciously aware of the long term statement being made and tossing in of the towel that they were jointly making, years later after struggle, arguments and enough pain that they both have slowly shut the door on each other the only conclusion left is that love has died and the relationship is too toxic to maintain. The question then seeps in “Did I ever really connect, love this person?” “Was our love ever more then surface?” “When did this all fall apart?”
Multiple things cause these occurrences. The main one is always the breaking of trust.
Trust is easily given on the front end of a relationship. It is a sacred gift that two people give and share in hopes of bliss and security. It is quick to be poured to create foundation for the building of what is often a relationship based out of need and fear of being alone, forcing both parties to act quickly and commit. This is what I refer to as: Hiring quickly.
Women are often more guilty of this practice of hiring quickly than men. Men get the bad rap of being noncommittal, while women shortly after the first few dates are planning out the wedding party and invites. The result of pushing for a quick hire (no matter which side or if both parties are doing it) is that neither side has earned the trust needed to support a healthy relationship and thus, it is common place to discover a few years down the road that you have presumed that your love, devotion and time were equally met and wanted, when in fact you may have actually bought into a fictional character and are sleeping with a stranger of which you have no real bonds or interests with. The problem now is that you are invested, you are locked into a relationship, a picture and responsibility. You now find yourself in the long term process of firing this person you hired so quickly. This firing process may take months and often takes years. Why? Because even though our reality check is before us we still care and we want to be wise about how to disengage. Or so we tell ourselves.
We humans are all a little masochistic at times and in our relationship breakups we show this off. We enjoy pain, suffering and the attention that comes with it. But that is another topic all on its own.
True trustworthiness and trust building is the most valuable aspect to any relationship. It is the one thing that keeps harvesting love through tough times, it allows lovers to be fierce in following a purpose and in opening to vulnerability. Without a dose of supported trust in a relationship the deep penetration of love and passion never materializes. Trust is also, the most fragile of love components.
For a woman trust is broken when her lover does not acknowledge intimacy. Whe he makes light of her hormones (moods) and dismisses or hides from her fires. She loses faith in her man when he steps away from being her lover and uses a fatherly dominant energy of control with her, causing her to feel unheard and not important/valuable. Trust is broken when passion is squelched (no matter the logical reasons behind it), it is diminished when intimacy is booted by stress release. When boundaries are crossed. In any moment that the feminine feels misplaced, a piece of meat, property, misunderstood, like a naive little girl or threatened, when he walks away from her pain, tears, voice and needs (even if she commands him to go) trust takes a massive hit to the gut.
For men trust is broken when a woman fights for Alfa dog role, when she belittles him and questions his every motive. When she is overly motherly, dominant and superficial with her feelings. Every time a woman pulls away her love and softness from her lover his trust in the relationship, in the security of love and her heart is threatened. Her harshness shuns trust and forces disconnect.
For both man and woman, trust is damaged when expectation is placed on our lover or the relationship. If we have a painting in our head of how our partner should show up in the relationship at all times, how they should behave, or what the relationship should look like in any fashion we set ourselves up for failure. Another major trust killer is establishing false hopes. By this I mean promises. Often we promise our lover that we will do or not do this or that. It can be the simplest of items, from I promise to get in shape and take better care of myself to setting goals repeatedly for financial rewards or promising a romantic trip or family vacation. False promises no matter how real they may appear to the one stating them can be pushed out to a degree but repeatedly stating and pushing out, making excuses for why they did not materialize will only add to the breakdown of trust.
For woman to open to trust she must be willing to open to vulnerability.
For man to open to trust he must be willing to surrender to his woman’s vulnerability.
The great feminine craves a strong, dependable masculine who WILL NOT waiver from his love with her. Whom is willing to jump through the flames of her pained heart and past and break her open to the orgasm of life. She craves his heartbeat to guide her, lead her and to have the passionate taker of her feminine reigns ignite her creative juices and dance through life’s rollercoaster ride.
The great masculine longs for heartfelt support, he needs at his core to be brought out of the dark logical aspects of life that cause him tension and stress and to be opened to his woman’s bliss and surrender to him. He craves to be nourished in her bosom and replenished from her loves nectar. He needs the safety of her openness and radiance in order to be the knight that she desires.
Steps to Prevention
Hire slow, fire fast if need be.
Limit expectations of lover, self and relationship
Take responsibility for your own happiness first. Looking for another to fulfill your happiness is only going to lead you to a painful situation.
Discuss boundaries and honor them at all cost.
Discuss roles in family/relationship. What is each party comfortable with?
Make time for love, sex, intimacy and fighting.
Be willing and even hungry to stand in your partners fires.
Lean into love when it is the hardest thing to do and you want to run.
Never chase your man, give space without question.
Learn to accept that men and woman are wired differently.
Remember that what you need and crave the most form your partner will show up as your greatest irritation as well: Women most of you want a leader, provider, and protector, strong in himself man, you do not truly want someone who can be whipped and dominated. You want a man that will stand there and take your heat, support you’re breaking down in hormonal imbalance and passionately take you into new realms of pleasure as well. You want someone who will be your best friend and make you laugh as well as a man who will sacrifice his very life to save yours. This can translate to: Why is he so focused on blah, blah, he is detached, being an asshole, being childish, making light of a heavy situation, over sexed, etc.
Men, most of you want a woman who is open with her radiance, she lights up the room and takes your breath away, she is nourishing, supportive, warm, and soft. She is creative and fluid. She hears you and gives you space, she challenges you but does not fight you on being the man, and she is passionate and surrenders to your leadership. She trusts you. This can translate to moodiness, crazy female shit, motherly, protective, short tempered, flaky or blonde, needy, high maintenance, driven.
Constantly reevaluate all the above. Never take anything for granted.
Silence or lack of input is not the sign of a healthy relationship.
If you ask your partner, how am I doing, how are we doing, what can I improve, or if you feel a disconnect and you ask your partner if there is anything you can do, get better at or what they feel needs work on in the relationship and the answer is : “It’s (you/me) are all good. There is nothing that needs improvement. I am happy, no complaints.” Then it’s time to call BULLSHIT!
There is ALWAYS a need for improvement, communication and vulnerability.
Otherwise kiss each other goodbye, because the door just slammed shut and it is 7 years later!
Intimacy and trust. The two key ingredients to a healthy, strong, loving and passionate relationship. These two items go hand in hand and are a catch 22 in relating. If you start to loose one the other is right behind it and vise verse, you also need one to make the other happen.
Intimacy is not just about sex either, although in our world today when someone speaks of intimacy they are speaking of sexual intimacy often. It is valuable to truly understand that intimacy is something that is needed to feel connected, understood, valued and secure in all relating.
Just this last weekend we had a dear friend come to the Orgasm Camp workshop and stay after for socializing and dinner. She is an Intimacy Coach and during our dinner preparations I was playing with our 15 month old son, Jessica (our friend) made the comment that she could tell that I was not just a parent to my children that I was also their friend. She stated that we treated the children like real people not “kids.” What she was seeing was the intimacy shared between parent and child. Something that I have been conscious of harvesting in my relationships with all six of my children. It is something that when I look out into the world I do not see in the paradigm of parent/child. The average parenting structure has the child as a lower species of human-hood, there are walls that are put in place, things that are not discussed because a child could never understand this or that and children are talked down to instead of communicated with in authenticity. Parents try to hide their own short comings and mistakes and even try to repair what they feel they did wrong in their youth by “protecting” otherwise known as controlling their own children from doing the same instead of openly communicating with them and building trust and intimacy. Here is where I strongly differ (granted I may be wrong in my beliefs but parenting truly is a science where we all wager our upbringing skills on a hypothesis), I believe in building intimacy and trust. This comes through authentic living which transfers as authentic relating even with my child. Never shutting down about where I am , what is happening, and never shaming or having misguided expectations. Recognizing that my child has to make mistakes no matter their age in order to learn and grow. Supporting individualism. Communicating life lessons at a level that each of my children can understand for where they are at, EVEN if that is having a sex talk with them.
Through this sort of authentic relating I have preventing many barriers from forming and have kept the communication lines open. So much so that my oldest two daughters (now 17 and 19) have had the ability to trust in me enough and know that we share the intimacy needed for them to bring difficult issues into the court, from the first time they had sex, to things they have experimented with, sexual trauma, jealousy issues, physical changes happening, and even their first G-spot orgasm. Most parents in todays culture would have a tough time hearing their daughter speak openly about the pleasure they experienced and how amazing it was during a G-spot orgasm, they certainly would not want to have to give further advise as to how to achieve this state again. Yet in my household, these two young women get the opportunity to grow, question, experience and be supported instead of being shamed for their sexuality as women.
I have always stated that I am a realist. I know that our youth is a time of great exploration and teenagers and young adults will certainly experiment and learn things from somewhere, so why not support healthy exploration backed by authentic, unconditional loving instead of shaming, guilting and disconnecting?
This same dynamic can be brought into our intimate affairs with a lover. How do we communicate with them? Do we allow them to be of individual thought, need and life experience without shaming, guilting or disconnecting no matter how they choose to show up in the moment or do we try and change them and make our expectations and needs greater then what they can deliver? DO we hold space for our lover to experience what they need in any given moment or do we demand for things to be as we believe they should?
I am not saying that we have to support without end a decision or action of a loved one, child or lover alike. I am not saying that we have to agree or even pretend to agree with them. What I am saying is that we need to open the channels of authentic communication and hold our hearts open in the most challenging of times. This is true unconditional loving, something that the majority of relationships have never experienced, because what we think is love is actually need, and in our needing we distort our partners, or anyone else that we are in a love based relationships with and put false hopes and expectations on them that they CANNOT often meet. We are dependent on them to make us happy instead of taking care of our own happiness. When our needs are suddenly not met and the veil of illusion that WE ourselves put there starts to come down, we loose trust and intimacy and point the finger at the other blaming them for the suffering that we are now feeling. This is where we loose ourselves further, often find that our relationship was built on sand with no stable foundation and question why we even trusted in this person.
Building true intimacy and trust is not easy but it is simple.
There are steps for building the foundation for authentic loving and relating so that we can have a sacred relationship with all the people in our lives.
Among these steps are:
▪ Conscious Living = Conscious Relating ▪ Appreciation ▪ Integrity in Action and Communication ▪ Holding Space ▪ Standing in the Fire ▪ Exploration ▪ Dedication to Life and Unconditional Love before the Relationship