“A good orgasm is satisfying, but a great orgasm can be a revelation of your deepest being, unfolding the truth of who you are in ecstatic communion with your lover.” — David Deida
Recently I was speaking with a young woman about her orgasms and her state of emotion. She shared with me how she had been diagnosed with depression and ADHD, how PMS was terrible for her and how she felt that she needed a man in her life to protect, save and hold her. She had been abandoned by the men in her past and had gained an ill understanding of her own heart and soul. Disconnected from her pussy and from her true self she exhibited self-hatred and shame, she felt embarrassed and lacked confidence, yet tried to hide all of this under a bubbly, loud personality with a beaming smile and flashy sex drive.Practically throwing herself at men, begging for their attention so she could survive one more day and pretend that for that moment she had love in her life.
As I sat there listening to her story, watching the emotions cross over her face I could feel her pain, I found myself wanting to just embrace her and tell her that everything would be okay, but that was the protective mama bear in me. Instead I chose to be honest and share the facts, “Sounds like you need to be properly f-ked my dear,” is what I responded. She looked at me and said, “What?” I restated it, “It sounds like you need to be properly f-ked, I don’t mean go have sex, just some junk food sex, I mean you need some gourmet, yummie, fulfilling f-king. You need an orgasm that fills your whole body.” She looked at me a bit taken back and then responded with,”Oh I just had sex, I had an orgasm, a good one. It was very good.”
“But was it fulfilling and gourmet?”
“Yes, yes I think it was. Maybe it was not exactly as gourmet as you are speaking of, but it was awesome.”
“Did it fill your whole body with rapture? Were you tingly and full of energy for days to come or did you grow tired and the orgasmic feeling passed through you within a few hours?”
A confused look came upon her face.
Here is the problem: this world is suffering from the majority of women not having real orgasms, shit most women don’t even have orgasms at all, they fake them, they hide out in their minds and they grow bitter toward life. Those who do have an orgasm normally rely on a clitorial quick fix or tighten their bodies up so much during an orgasm that it is short lived and never fills their whole being; body, heart and soul. They lack the orgasmic rapture that they need. Orgasm is mandatory for a woman to live an abundant, happy, healthy, full life. And not just any old orgasm will do this. The deeper, more penetrating an orgasm, the more life and creative energy, love and surrender a woman will bring to the world. To you.
When her emotions become muted and she is closed, lacking expression toward life she is close to running on empty in her orgasmic bank account. When she is overly hateful or stuck in depression, full of what seems to be crazy hormonal ups and downs she is lacking in her orgasmic bank account. When she lays down and has sex but is indifferent to what happens in the bedroom or cannot share her desires, her boundaries and her fears she is lacking in her orgasmic bank account and this is where the trouble resides. Worse yet, she won’t tell you the truth about what is going on because she herself does not understand. Even if she has a clue her voice will be seized by the darkness of her pussy frustration and her ego will have hold of her so strongly that she won’t be capable of vocalizing the unspeakable to you. That unspeakable being that she needs to be f-ked wide open by a man that can penetrate not only her flesh but her heart and soul. She needs his strength, his firmness, his masculine energy to be unleashed in her at a cellular level and TAKE her beyond the point of no return and right into the heavens of rapture. Only at this level can she trust her man and allow herself once again to be seen.
As Nicole Daedone, author of Slow Sex states, “Running on empty is not what you want your woman to be, unless you like irritability, impatience, hypersensitivity, and for everything to be your fault. Because in the space between what she asks for and what she really wants, resentment will begin to fester. And you, sir, will be the one she blames.
“Find out what she is hungry for, and give it to her. Never accept her first answer. Ask again. And again. Make it a part of your game plan to prod and push until she releases what she is withholding and her desire comes flying out. At first, her desire might sound like anger. She may need to blow off steam. Don’t take it personally, even if she says hurtful things.
“Keep asking until you feel her true desire release. You will feel it in your body when she finally lets go. Regardless of how much resistance she has, don’t stop asking until you feel it. You are helping her unravel a lifetime of conditioning – old beliefs and habits and rules that are suffocating the bright, lovely, sexy woman within.
“That’s the woman you want to be with. So if you have to ask all night, ask all night. You’ll know it when she finally speaks her desire because you will be able to feel it, landing with a satisfying *thunk in your body.
“Then give it to her, and you’ll be giving her the thing she never thought she could get: not just the desire, but approval for having the desire at all. ”
What Nicole is stating here is the powerful truth and it is hard to understand for many men because men have the ability to state what they need or want clearly most of the time. Men have also been raised differently then women and do not have the same shame placed upon them for wanting or needing sex. It is expected that a man craves, thinks about and will ask for sex. It is common thought in many marriages and in society that it is the woman’s place “to make sure to keep her man happy, else he will surely stray and find it somewhere else” but for a woman to be open about her cravings labels her a whore or slut. Even if we are not aware of this low grade consciousness and believe ourselves to be above this sort of thinking, the consciousness and programs still exist for all of us. They lay there in the covers of darkness within our psyche and if we are women they make themselves known pretty quickly as soon as we face our undernourished needs.
So gentlemen or those in the masculine role of the relationship, never stop asking your woman what she desires. Never stop inquiring about her deep hungers. Dig in her cavern and find the treasures she has hidden there, tell her frequently that you love her, that she is your babe, your special lady, your love. Touch her often and playfully and set aside time to REALLY be with her. This is not meaning a movie and dinner or even snuggle time on the couch, this means eye to eye, deep focused communication time. Communicate your love with words, looks and touch and ALWAYS keep asking. She will open to you.
Throwing my almost naked body down on the bed, hair still wet from the shower I feel frustration, rage and sadness fighting with each other for their turn on my internal microphone. Tears rolling down my cheeks unstoppable…
“Girl, pull yourself together, “I say softly but firmly out loud to myself.
Moments before I stood in front of a mirror unable to even see myself. Ego had cast its ugly veil over my eyes. Unconscious of the very acts my physical body had made I found myself trapped in a vicious cyclone of thoughts. The internal witness finding herself running away with ego quick in toe. The witness becoming out of breath, fearful of being trampled and swallowed up by Satan (ego). Looking over witness’s shoulder one may see ego in rage, tears pouring down, yelling out remberences of negative events from a time gone by. As ego chases, the distance between lessons. Here and there ego grabs one trash bag after another full of past regrets, pains, traumas, and broken promises and lost hope. How is it possible for ego to carry and drag all this dark garbage and yet still gain on witness who runs toward the light of restriction?
Welcome to the land of ego!
And even better welcome to land of the female ego.
The disgusting swamp land of a woman’s rage is no place to hang out. It is a well of utter misery and any man who has ever tried to swim in these waters knows that it does not end good. Yet our husbands, beloveds, boyfriends and lovers even son’s or fathers sometimes try to logically ‘fix’ what we well divers do not want fixed. We understand that it is like having the anti-Christ in our kitchen yelling at us. Our irrational ego’s manifest destruction as we are forced to sit by the side lines and watch our love being shattered like a mirror.
Each moment our ego has control of our steering wheel we find ourselves thrown around another painful corner of memory. Unable to stop. This may appear as insanity to our men, it may appear as though we are ungrateful or truly unhappy. Some may actually believe we need medicine for our crazy spells. Amazingly none of this is true. Plates may be flying, fists pounding, breath gasping and hurtful words crossing our lips but if we are present enough in our spirit, we recognize that we are actually only truly fearful of opening up to love. We are scared of our own hearts and the path that they are presenting. Our constriction of self-love allows the deception of ego to pass over the threshold of our mind, body, soul connection.
David Deida would say, “If you open as you are now, a spacious and tender love abides, — the openness that is feeling — even if your body aches or your lover has spurned you. If you close now, turning in on yourself in an effort to avoid exposure, then you suffer your own separative cramp, even if you are surrounded by love.”
This separation causes a ripple effect in our lives. Sometimes the ripples last moments and sometimes they last life times. Some ripples are so strong that they rip apart our relationships and cause wounds that fester within our energetic fields. Should the internal witness be able to out run Satan (the ego) and find sanctuary in the light of restriction then we find ourselves turning to a new place within. One that many rarely walk in, we may feel we walk in this green pasture of restriction often but more than likely we are truly suppressing our feelings and actually not restricting our ego. If this is the case we will “feel” a nagging feeling in the pit of our stomach, a heavy sensation in our chest or even a hammer pounding in our heads. When we suppress what we are feeling instead of opening into the feeling and accepting it fully as us while restricting our ego response we again cause the ripple effect of separation, thus causing a volcanic eruption of misery to fall on us another day.
Now men have this same event happening to them, the main difference between the male ego and a female is this: WE WOMEN LOVE OUR LUGGAGE! Therefore we always make sure to have plenty of suitcases. All shapes and sizes. We are not good at parting with our hope chests or our scrapbooks.
I mean think about it, have you ever traveled with a woman who came unprepared for anything? How many pairs of shoes does one need for a two day trip anyway? LOL
Our internal luggage is the same! And we always have a few empty bags stashed somewhere just for YOU! And YOU… and YOU too!
On top of that we are very systematic about our packing. We organize our emotions and thoughts like we do our suitcases. Perhaps we pack each possible outfit needed as though we were getting ready to put it on or we make sure to keep all our panties over here, our shirts here and skirts/pants over there. Even a messy packer has a system to their madness…
Men, well they may pack better in some cases but they NEVER plan for all possibilities. They are more like a streamlined filing system. Only keep a hardcopy of what is absolutely necessary and even of that only keeping the cliff-notes version.
So when the ego of man and woman meet on the dance floor, you can always bet that the woman has her purse with her!
How do the sex’s deal with this bitch called EGO?
First it is up to man to have the courage, the balls to stand in the fire of woman. Then he must be willing to see her in love even when she is being hateful and ugly. If he manages to do this, he must then guard himself from himself. From what he believes is himself, that is. He must recognize and restrict his actions and words when they are coming from the dark-side. He must breathe into his belly and feel from his heart. Often woman will take this moment to test her man, she will probe him like he is her personal science specimen. She will open a suitcase or two or three and see what she can dig up on him. She will attack with minor forces at first and slowly pull in the big guns. A man has to know this. He has to know that his cliff-notes version does not hold a candle to her library. The male ego does not like this, but in these times your heart center, your love for her has to mean more then the attempt on the battle field. If you fall prey to her attacks you will run the risk of depolarizing your relationship in some way. Although it may seem minor at first this depolarization of the masculine/feminine will grow and in the end you will lose intimacy and connection. Perhaps forever!
As women, we must recognize our ego and how it is using our thoughts to create our emotions. How it is playing a movie with a bad ending for our personal misery in these moments. We may feel supported in our actions and words by our ego and the recognition of these repetitive cycles we are seeing in our man, but if we can STOP right here (even if our mouths are still moving), if we can stop our spirit from drinking the kool-aide of ego and pause, then we can allow space to form. When we allow space to form we allow our internal witness to move in. This witness (that man and woman both have, i.e. soul or true self/consciousness) can see the real lesson of the event unfolding. Our consciousness will be able to slowly restrict back ego and see the illusions that ego has painted for just that. Illusions.
When man and woman come into this new space of consciousness they naturally awaken to a deeper level of love. They allow themselves to be vulnerable, to fully feel what they are feeling and to not take each other so seriously. It is possible to have what might seem a nasty verbal fight in ego and have both parties consciously witnessing the drama play out but not attach to anything being said or even felt. Similar to going to the movies.
Through recognition, pausing and restriction we again find unconditional love for each other and for ourselves.
The ego may be a bitch but she has purpose in the school of life!
She is here to test our love for self and to be the coach we desperately need to strengthen our light forces. But much like anything that can accumulate too much power, she must NEVER be handed the golden key to our city gates.
Yoni Massage is a sacred ritual, an act of worship. It is an experience of healing, release, awakening, empowering, expansion and transcendence. And pleasure. Deep pleasure that is often a path to heightened states of consciousness that allows you to experience the unity of sexuality and spirituality.
Slow, so slow.
Gentle, so gentle.
From the heart. This is where the healing begins. Healing the hurts of the past, the abuse, the frustrations, the disappointments, the unfulfilled expectations. Tissue that should be alive, awake and so sensitive is numb, tender or painful. The Goddess Area is closed to pleasure.
An opening and a softening.
The release of so much, emotional, physical, psychological. Beliefs, limitations, withholds, lies, guilt, shame, embarrassment…
With the softening is the release of pain and the opening to pleasure. The pleasure that you know is yours by right. New sensations to discover, deeper, higher, sensitivity. Sensation and feeling that move from your yoni through your entire body, that expand your body, then expand your being. Body and heart connect. Body and soul connect. Then expand more, the boundaries melt, disappear. You merge with a stream of universal consciousness, universal pleasure. In this space so much becomes possible. You see with different eyes. You see so many truths of your life. You see the patterns, the reasons. You see the possibilities.
Yoni Massage is ancient healing, touching on aspects of anatomy, sexuality and energy that science is slowly catching up with through research. The healing impact of Yoni Massage is deep, touching so many aspects of your being. In a more direct way it is able to release tension leading to painful sex, awakens the G-spot, contributes to making orgasms during penetration possible, assists in dryness, helps raise libido, may have a balancing effect on hormones, frees and increases orgasmic potential, heightens sexual response, becomes a vehicle for sexual meditation, can be used as a manifestation tool…
Healing through pleasure is often a difficult concept to grasp because of the way we see pleasure, the context it’s ‘meant to happen in’. Yoni Massage as an experience of safety, a gift that is given in a sacred space can be life changing. As strange as it sounds, it’s often not a sexual experience in the way we generally think sex should be. It’s not about penetration, yet it’s making love, an gift of love that flows from the hands to your yoni. And for a moment, no matter how brief, you feel so beautiful, so loved, so honoured. As more women give themselves permission to experience this magic, so it becomes possible for more women to do so. As more women free themselves from the limiting beliefs that prevent the fullness of pleasure, so it becomes possible…
Possible for you…
This journey, this sensual journey, this Tantric journey is the journey of our life.
Shared by Practitioner/healer Jonti Searll
The room was full of energy, much of which was unconditional love. As I found myself sitting on the massage table, wrapped in a white sheet, candle light flickering on my flesh and two extraordinary gentlemen honoring me with their beautiful energy and love, I also felt my own energy stirring deep inside of my being. The ego causing me internal confusion with nervousness and doubt. Anxiety over my human fleshiness being seen. Not just seen, a classroom for my sweet client. All my insecurities and flaws being revealed.
As I sat there though I gazed into Duncan’s eyes, so full and warm. His
energy as always embraced my soul and comforted me. As he began to share the
divine tale of the rose with myself and Sasha, I also took a moment to connect
with Sasha. His eyes as warm and inviting, full of excitement and reverence. I
could feel the depth of his soul; of how he longed for this whole session to be
spiritual and honoring. A gift!
Time passed, my whole body was anointed with warm coconut oil, administered by loving hands in honor, respect, trust and unconditional love. I could not believe how open I was feeling and how cradled in warmth as well. In the distance I could hear Duncan’s voice sharing his knowledge with Sasha. Trying to keep my focus internal and just remain in this open current, I would refocus back on my breath and on the soft music. Allowing myself only to feel relaxation. As I did this, the energy stirred in my lower chakras. I could feel vibrations erupting in my legs, my hips, abdominal area. My breasts tingled. My throat longed to stretch. My back arch. My hands reached out. I could feel both gentlemen massaging me with their hands. The warmth of their energy expanding my own, allowing me to make safe transit to a higher realm. Lost in a sea of bliss, I could faintly hear Duncan’s voice next to my ear. “Ride the way Kendal.”
This is exactly what I was feeling. Riding a wave.
This whole session was a moment I am ever so grateful to have shared with Sasha and Duncan. In this state of bliss many lessons were learned, spiritual connections made and a new found openness and awakening to life affirmed. Thank you both for providing a healing expereince for my soul and sharing it with me.
I hope that all who read Sasha’s post below will be touched as I was and in some way find away to explore their lives and the path’s they are on with such loving courage as this man has.
“Special Moments with Kendal and Duncan” —by Sasha Martinez
My Tantra journey began almost a year ago with a visit to Kendal for a private
session. It was my introduction to the world of Tantra. Of course, I had done a bit of research, and had an idea of what to expect from the session. Yes, I expected to have a ‘holistic’ experience where the muscles in my body, and my spiritual energies would come together to create a blissful nirvana.
I had no ideas what that meant until that first session with Kendal. I scheduled
an appointment for one of Kendal’s transformation sessions. I really wanted to experience what Tantra was all about, and little did I know that I was in for a surprise! I left her office that day after experiencing – for the first time in my life – a feeling of being so relaxed and so satisfied while at the same feeling a sense of liveliness and being full of energy. It was nothing close to what I had envisioned. This was a feeling that just cannot be described; one has to experience it in order to understand it.
Having undergone that Tantric experience during which I was the receiver, I
thought I’d try to experience Tantra from the other side – from the position of
giving pleasure, so I scheduled a yoni worship session with Kendal and Duncan
With Duncan as my guide, we began with the customary Tantric principles of respect and devotion to our divine Goddess. We knelt before her, and asked her permission to worship her. Duncan then presented our Goddess with flowers, and together, they anointed the petals – one by one – with lightly warmed oil. As Kendal was rubbing oil on each petal, Duncan was explaining that flowers are symbolic of the yoni – it is the source or origin of life. Just like the yoni, the flower brings forth life. It must be cherished and protected. The yoni is often compared to a (lotus) flower – remaining pristine and believed to forever remain pure. Preserving the flower by rubbing oil on the petals will also preserve that moment, so that our Goddess may later look at the flower and be able to remember what she was feeling at that particular moment.
As our Goddess lay on the table, we began a gentle massage of her back, paying special attention to the various chakras. We slowly continued massaging her entire body from her neck down to the tips of her toes. After working her entire body twice, and ensuring that our Goddess was comfortable and relaxed, we began a yoni massage – very gently at first, but increasing the pressure and intensity in response to her reactions.
As we moved our hands- wet with warm oil, across every inch of her body, I was watching Kendal’s response. I observed as she rode each orgasmic wave; small at first, then becoming more and more intense until she finally succumbed into a restful state of bliss as if every ounce of energy was flushed from her body. Quietly, we watched Kendal entering her state of bliss, and it became clear to me that I had just experienced what I believe was a complete transformation.
As she was riding those full-bodied orgasmic waves, I was sharing those
moments right there with her. It was as though the energy from her was
flowing through her body and into mine, and I felt each and every orgasm right
there with her.
This was truly one of those special moments in my life, and it is one that I will forever cherish. I am deeply indebted to Duncan for his guidance and teachings as I explored this new facet of the joys of life. I am also eternally grateful to Kendal for sharing so much with me.
“Thoughts from Duncan Knight on Tantra”
Tantra is not a philosophy, religion, discipline or technique. It is more of a “way”. Perhaps a spiritual path that is embraced, cultivated via manifestation of life-force/sexual energy/Kundalini as a way of connecting with the Divinity within ourselves and others. Truly the exercise of naming what Tantra “ is” is an exercise moving away from whatever Tantra “is”; something indescribable. The Tantric path often leads to the awakeningor recognition of the Divine with us. Many of the Tantric rituals and practices are to experience the Divinity within us and others. Worshiping, in the case of Tantric Massage is the anointment of our Divine Being within our bodies. The result; is often an awakening or a touch of the Divine or what some describe as orgasm or bliss. It is so much more than that; it is a pure, ultimate, perfect place where we all come from and recognize.
During Tantric Rituals the connection with another soul is essential; as loving the Divine in another guides and awakens the Divine within us. The Tantric movements during a Tantric Massage are guided by spiritual instinct. The flow of energy between two souls are matched into a rhythm of a spiritual love making dance. Both spirits are open, active and alive without boundary or reservation; exposing themselves freely in every way.