“Sex, alone, is a mighty urge to action, but its forces are like a cyclone – they are often uncontrollable. When the emotion of love begins to mix itself with the emotion of sex, the result is calmness of purpose, poise, accuracy of judgment, and balance. — Napoleon Hill, “Think and Grow Rich”
What are you scared of?
For each of us the shame and guilt that trap us in fear is different. I am not sure what your’s is.
What I do know is:
The only things I’ve regretted in my life have been when I didn’t risk.
The work you’ll do around love and sexual intimacy is some of the most powerful, profound, liberating, healing work you’ll EVER do. We live in a world where we have learned to deal with our sexuality from the standpoint of an overdrawn bank account. Always looking at what’s not there. What we don’t have or cannot be. What we cannot do and what we really need to stay away from. But is any of this empowering? Does it come from love or fear? I believe that our sexuality is a hidden powerhouse of creative energy, empowered thinking, acting and loving. I believe that through our sexuality we can heal ourselves and this world of the toxic waste that covers so many people.
Learning how to turn your friction sex into true lovemaking is where miracles can happen for your life. Napoleon Hill understood this and studied many great leaders, visionaries and world changers who all used this form of sexuality to make a difference in the world as well as following their own bliss.
But it’s so worth it! Just as you are!!!
Embracing this source of love, of intimate connection will change your life like nothing else. There is no amount of text book knowledge, religious study, googling, or any other item of the mind that will transform your life, your heart, your personal power as quickly and deeply as experience. After all that is a primary reason behind life. To experience!
To get there though, you have to say “Yes.”
If you want a phenomenal life then you have to push past your fears and allow for the unknown to make itself known.
The best decisions of my life have come out of my leaping into the unknown. It is that butterfly feeling, the feeling of being on the raggedy edge of life’s track. It is the feeling of being scared shitless that tells you that your aiming for something grander, some bigger, something so valuable and that it is there waiting for YOU. This is how you know your on the right path to your dreams and desires.
As humans we always want to know the how-to’s and the end result, but our dreams, desires and our life are not designed to have a systematical process. When we try and logically set out a road map we loose sight of the journey in the present moment and we miss our bliss.
Bliss and transformation come from being present and allowing our dreams to unfold through us. Similar to all great writers, poets, musicians, artists and even scientists, the creation of greatness did not come from a logical plan but from something more. Greatness flow’s through us. This is the creator creating. But we have to be willing to be present, open and trusting to the choreography instead of doubting.
It is YOUR birthright to have a phenomenal life. You are a spark of the great Divine and the Creator wants nothing less then greatness from each breath of your life. But you have to be brave enough to leap into deep intimacy, love and transformational sexuality learning and healing to access this power.
I can help you get what you’ve said you want out of your relationship and life.
I know this is possible for you.
All you have to do is leap.
Right here. Right now.
Life is happening Now! Where are you at?
- the time
- the money
- the energy
- the support
- Positive Thinking and speaking
- NLP work
- Practicing Gratitude
- Practicing some form of conscious touch or work
- Eating higher vibration foods
- Writing down your goals
- Sticking to the agenda to achieve these goals
- Getting your “O” on even.
- And so much more.
But how certain are you that your desired Fuck YES! Life is there waiting on you? And why the hell are you making it wait on you?
This is like saying, ” I am waiting for my ship to come in.” – Don’t fucking wait on your ship or on that relationship, the job, the house, the travel, the health or anything else. Swim out and get it!
Otherwise you might as well just accept that you are choosing to vanish off the planet without ever achieving your desires.
- smart enough
- worthy enough
- pretty enough’healthy enough
- lucky enough
Or whatever the fuck else they have said is YOUR TRUTH.
“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.” – Leo Buscaglia
You know what though? You cannot ever avoid sorrow and suffering.
Ask yourself if NOT living up to your greatness in ALL WAYS possible is a comfort that is worth the sacrifice of the life that G-d/Universe designed and desires you to have?
YOU Still deserve that Fuck YES Life.
The ‘Inner Game’
“No discussion of coaching would be complete without mention of Timothy Gallwey and his insights into the ‘inner game’.
Gallwey’s book, The Inner Game of Tennis, revolutionised thinking about coaching. He suggested that the biggest obstacles to success and achieving potential were internal, not external. His insight was that coaches could help individuals to improve their game by distracting them from their inner dialogue and, in particular, the critical voice that said “Not like that! Concentrate on your hands! Angle it differently!”.
By distracting that inner voice, the body could take over. It turns out that often the body has a very clear idea of what to do when internal dialogues are suppressed. Gallwey used the example of asking people to focus on the height at which they hit the tennis ball. This activity has no relevance in itself, but the simple act of focusing on it distracted the inner voice and enabled the capable body to take over. The individual relaxed and their tennis improved immediately.
Gallwey’s real insight was that this didn’t just apply to tennis, but that individuals generally did have the answers to their own problems within themselves.
The essential part of coaching, then, is to help people to learn to silence that inner voice and allow their instincts, or their subconscious, to take over. Sometimes that means distracting it, and sometimes it’s about exploring the ‘worst case scenario’ and removing the fear.”
And this folk’s is what I do as a Sex & Relationship Coach.
The act of touch can heal wounds and draw couples together by showering love onto our lover’s body parts that store repressed emotions and then, set them free. Erotic massage is an act of unconditional service to our beloved. It communicates a message that we understand where our lover is coming from and we accept them as they are, along with their frailties and vulnerabilities. By first relaxing our partners in a safe space, we erotically arouse them to transcend illusions in a relationship.
The Power of Sensual Massage
“As a society, we are touch deprived. We are taught that touch often is dangerous or something to fear, to be ashamed of,” opines Ms. Amy McBain, Sexual Shaman, Creator of Intentional Orgasm and author of Intentional Orgasm: Changing the world one orgasm at a time. She adds that in truth, healthy touch in all relationship benefits our whole beings, “Touch provides a way for each partner to surrender and be fully in the moment. It is through touch that everything else comes and is improved”
“Failure to thrive is just as real for adults who don’t receive loving touch as it is for infants,” says Intimacy Coach, Ms. Kendal Williams and Creator of www.tantrictransformation.com. According to Kendal, our souls chose to inhabit a physical body so it is touch that is one of the essential ways we experience things in the physical realm, and how we can show our love for one another and truly embody it.
Deepen Your Pleasure Through Self-Love
“I don’t believe you can have a fully satisfying relationship with another, until you have a fully satisfying relationship with yourself,” says Ms. McBain. She further adds, that you have to do your own self work, dark night of the soul work, so you know who you are, before you can share yourself with another. And that includes, getting really in touch with your own sexual energy, which is source energy. According to Ms. McBain, an orgasm is the vehicle by which your soul came into physical existence- so any disconnect from your own orgasm and inherent divine sacred sexuality will result in a disconnect from others and disconnect from the rest of your life.
“Our erotic lives are only a mirror of our other lives,” says Ms. Williams. She feels that having a loving and accepting relationship with self first means that we are compassionate toward ourselves and do not self punish for our humanness but instead embrace ourselves and love deeper. Ms. Williams adds, “Through self love and acceptance, we gain a peace and confidence and in this peace and confidence, we experience and love others at a more penetrating level.”
Setting The Stage
“In tantric massage, the focus is on interconnecting everything. It is a flow. A dance,” says Ms. Williams. To set up a massage and create a sacred space, the most important detail needed, according to Ms. Williams, is out internal state of being and our intent for what we are giving and receiving.”
“Physically, the room is typically either dimly lit or bright with sunshine, depending on the intent of what you are focusing on,” adds Ms. Williams. “Some sacred spaces may be set up with altars, incense, music, candles and even protective boundaries such as a circle of salt or crystals placed in each corner of the space. Others may be simple and have only a blanket, pillow, candle and nature sounds.”
Ms. McBain also suggests using special music, essential oils, incense, sage, candles and heat to overwhelm the senses. She says, “Clear the space before and after. Set intentions into the space for the receiver.”
Circulate Sexual Energy With Massage Tricks
The basic massage techniques that we can use to give our partners pleasure, are, firm strokes, soft strokes, feather strokes, breath, nail biting, says Ms. Williams. She adds, “Use warm oil or candles, ice, feathers, silk and fur. Be playful and don’t second guess your intuition. Take it slow. You are making love to every inch of your partner through your conscious touch.”
With permission from your partner, Ms. Williams opines, you may want to try prostate massage, G-spot massage, clitoral stimulation, oral pleasure or use a chosen toy.
Ms. McBain does shamanic energy balancing massage-utilizing specific touches that evoke the energies of the earth, water, air and fire to balance those energies within a person and activating energy sources for them.
Expressing Sensuality Through Your Whole Body
Ms. McBain suggests using your full body to balance your lover’s energy fields. She says, “Lay your whole body on them to ground their earth energy, rub your breasts and other body parts, slowly, sensually to activate their water energy, your breath and a very light touch to activate their air energy. I also use my genitals on specific body parts, like, my clitoris to their third eye, to bring in a balance of their divine feminine to create interesting energy currents.
Ms. Williams reminds that in giving a massage, you are giving or gifting the experience to someone else. So, make it about them and not you. She says, “It’s important to pay attention to what feels good to you and listen to your intuition on things. Go slow in whatever stroke you choose and with the part of your body you are using.”
Stimulating Your Beloveds’ Erogenous Zones
Erotic tantric massage covers the whole body, toe to head, says Ms. Williams. She explains, “I say toe to head because we start at the feet and move upward with purpose. Through the feet, we help relax and ground the whole being. We also tap into acupressure points that stimulate internal organs and help them function better. Feet and legs are also big erogenous zones for many people, especially women. Then, move up the body to the hips, buttocks, and lower back, massage firmly, slowly. Teasing the skin with feathers, light touch or breath can be very erotic.”
Knowing your partner’s erogenous zones is helpful, Ms. Williams adds. According to her, erotic tantric massages stimulate the genitals but does not focus in on the genitals. It is truly a dance of interweaving the whole body in an erotic fashion.”
Massage can create excitement in an otherwise stale relationship as well as set a trustworthy foundation in a newly bonded couple. It helps lovers to cue to each other’s needs and bridge emotional distances. Massage is a responsive platform to keep our promise to our beloved- by including erotic movements that help them feel safe, seen and understood.
Written by: Mishka
As of late, I have been under a bit of scrutiny from several people about my sex coaching business, everywhere from friends to family to other colleagues who all have misconstrued beliefs about what sex coaches do. Honestly, I am not shocked because the truth is that sex coaching is fairly new in mainstream consciousness. If you met ten sex coaches, they would also all have a slightly different way of coaching and different elements that are included in this coaching. Even in my local area, I can think of several sex coaches, and every single one of us approaches coaching in a different manner. Some use more direct talking methods, some incorporate more spiritual practices, some use more straight education, and others are more experiential. This is on top of the fact that sex is still a taboo topic in our society, so it’s no wonder that I get both horrified and intrigued looks when I share with others the career I am so passionate about.
There’s a vast variety of questions and assumptions that people have when hearing that myself and my fellow colleagues are sex coaches. That being said, the one that comes up the most is, “Are you a prostitute? So you have sex with your clients?”
I do not have sex with my clients. Again, I do not have sex with my clients! And one more time since people struggle to hear this one, I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH MY CLIENTS! I have zero judgments against individuals who choose to make a living via prostitution. In my life, I have known several women who have been sex workers to survive and, unfortunately, were forced to do so illegally due to our current laws. It makes me very happy to see places like Vegas that are trying to take the oldest career known to man and make it safer for both the client and the sex worker. Sex is a normal and natural pleasure afforded to us as humans that keeps us healthy and vibrant. It’s not my place to say if someone needs or desires to pay someone to have these needs met because, honestly, not everyone is lucky enough to have a committed partner. I believe in sex work when done in a safe and consensual manner.
That being said, I am not a prostitute. All the sex coaches I know (and I know quite a few) and I have the policy that they do not have intercourse or perform or receive oral sex from clients. I have written that on my website in several places and tell clients when I first meet them that although I am helping people with sex, this does not mean I am having sex with them. Yet, it is a question I get asked almost weekly. And it is actually one that has provided my colleagues and me with some funny stories.
One day, I was doing an initial Tantric mindfulness session—which includes some meditation, breathing, and Kundalini activation—with a brand new client. My sex coaching practice was somewhat new, and as he felt his sexual energy activate, he opened his eyes, looked right at me, and said, “I’ve decided that I want to practice having Tantric sex, and you love Tantric sex, and so you’re going to have Tantric sex with me next time.” I lifted one eyebrow and reminded him of all the different times we had discussed boundaries and how sex is not a part of sex coaching. He became desperate and began gyrating his hips to “show me” how good he would be at this practice. I worked incredibly hard at not bursting into hysterics at that moment, and once I had composed myself, I set some limits with him, and unfortunately, he chose not to have any more sessions with me after that initial session. It is definitely a story that I will always remember and one that has provided me with vital learning lessons—no matter how much I state what I DON’T do, there will always be people that don’t want to hear it.
Different practitioners have different boundaries surrounding the level of touch, if any, and also the nature of what happens in sessions. But unless it is specifically stated that we are offering sexual surrogacy, then they most likely are not offering to have sex with their clients. And honestly, even many sex surrogates don’t actually have intercourse with clients.
That being said, am I going to try to help stir some sexual energy? Yes! Our sexual energy (Kundalini energy) is what keeps us alive, what you tap into during many yoga practices, and what gives us as humans much of our drive. I view our sexual energy as a major tool in manifesting the lives we want, as the spiritual connection we are looking for, and as a way to take the connection within ourselves and in relationships to a deeper place. However, this energy can be stirred simply by breathing! I, personally, am not just a sex coach but actually first and foremost a Tantric practitioner who utilizes these principles in my practice. This still does not mean I am having sex with my clients!
In our society, and especially in the Bible belt, many practices are shunned without a true and honest understanding. People allow their ignorance to speak first without asking questions. Just like sex coaching is not as it appears, neither is the practice of Tantra, which is not solely about sex but instead about weaving our energy throughout life. The aspects that are sexual are about bringing greater awareness and honor into our sex lives and using this awareness to bring us closer to our spiritual source, ourselves, and our partners. I know having honor and true worship during sex is a foreign concept to many in the Western world, where porn, objectification, and hookup culture are rampant, but this is the true nature of Tantra and what I teach in my sex coaching practice. So I view the use of Tantra as important in not only my sex coaching but also coaching of any kind because, at the end of the day, most humans desire more fulfilling and happier lives.
As a sex coach, I want you to be able to dig deeper into your own feelings, thoughts, and beliefs surrounding sex. I want you to learn to connect with your own body and your partner’s body in new and exciting ways. I want you to experience energy in sessions that is orgasmic … but not necessarily have what is typically seen as orgasm/climax in session.
I’m holding a space for you to talk about your shame, your desires, your sexual difficulties. I’m helping you reawaken your energy and passion while creating the life you have always dreamed of having. I am educating you on chakras, your genitals, your partner’s genitals, breathing, orgasm, and basically anything you can think of in regards to sex. I am helping you feel more into your body and recognize that your sexual energy, when used throughout your life, will provide you with a new level of energy and vitality and the ability to attack your life.
Honestly, yes, there will be dildos, “pussy pillows,” lube, and other sex toys for demonstrations, so if this offends you, then I suggest you not come into my office. There will most definitely be words used that may make you blush and conversations that make you squirm a little, and that’s okay. I’m not here to have sex with you, but I am here to reintroduce you to your sex.
My work is done mostly with your brain, your heart, and your soul, not your genitals!
I know you want someone to hold you close and handle your heart gently, but put love on hold. You don’t need someone to fall asleep beside. Not yet. You can wait for that.
Finding your forever person shouldn’t be your main priority. Finding yourself should come first.
Find out what brings your passionate side to the surface. Find out what stirs the adrenaline that’s been hibernating in your veins. Find out what convinces you to stay up until 3 AM and wake up at 5 AM. Find out what puts the suicidal thoughts to rest and gives you a burst of appreciation for the living.
Find out why the girl in the mirror looks so sad when she’s alone. What does she want? What is she missing? If it’s a who, what type of person would fill the gap where her smile is supposed to be? Is it a best friend that can make her laugh when she only has the impulse to scream? Is it a semi-stranger to drink with to erase the pain? Is it a mystery voice that tells her they believe in her, that they’re proud of her?
Find out what squeezes your heart until it skips a beat. Find out what sends flutters through your spine. Find out what awakens the butterflies in your stomach. Find out what makes the cliches come to life.
Find out who you are and what you want out of this chaotic world, because you’ve only scratched the surface of your cravings. You want a house in the Hamptons, but what will make that house a home? Degrees to hang on the wall, a baby girl, a puppy flopping through the yard? You want a job in journalism, but what are you hoping to gain from it? Aside from money. Aside from security. What is it you’re hoping life blesses you with?
Find out what you want this universe to deliver to you. And don’t be afraid to sound greedy or selfish or unrealistic. Don’t restrain yourself from having oversized fantasies, because you’ll find important pieces of yourself hidden amongst those dreams. You’ll find out what drives you. What type of human you truly are.
Find out what inspires you, motivates you. Find out what gives you the energy to push through on your worst days. Find out what you’re doing here on this earth, because no matter how worthless you feel, you have a purpose. You have a reason you exist — and it’s beautiful. You’re beautiful.
You have a lifetime to find your forever person, so find yourself first. You deserve to meet her.
You can ravish your woman so deeply that her surrender breaks your heart into light. – David Deida
Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked
” I feel nothing. I crave feeling you penetrate me deeply at a soul level but I cannot feel you even with my physical body. – Our sex is feelingless. “
I have this statement that I say sometimes about sex. It feels like I am fucking the air- it is empty and without sensation. How is this possible though when two bodies are coming together and physically connecting. Rubbing, stroking, penetrating. How can you hardly feel your partner? If at all?
So many people speak of sex ONLY from the physical level. They make it sound like sex is just sex no matter what the scenario. And for some forms of sex, sex is just sex. It is just a friction based stress release focused on the physical act and the fantasy of seeing or experiencing something that is not everyday. It is not intended or thought to be something that can penetrate your soul, provide deep purpose to ones life, alter your reality even and connect you not only to self and partner but a space where you discover all of life’s interconnectedness. This state of orgasm, of sexing is not for the timid or surface minded people of the world who are looking for further distraction and release to/from life’s troubles. This sort of sexing and orgasm is only discovered through full surrender and vulnerability. It is an extremely emotional event that can fill us with clarity, creativity, joy, bliss, tears, and heart expanding sensations. It can provide us with direction, a sense of purpose and a certainty that there is so much more that life has to offer and support. This sort of sex is healing. And science supports this.
I believe that women more so than men NEED, truly need this deeper level of connection and sex consistently in their lives. When I look out into the world and “people watch” I can point out an under fucked woman every few minutes and I have to work hard to find a properly fucked woman. Yet if I spoke to women and men alike I would hear tale after tale of the sex that was being had. This is where the misconception comes into play.
You can fuck a woman 3 times a day. Long and hard even and still ONLY be giving her your cock. She will still come out of the experience under-fucked. She may even have had some “real” orgasms. But what she is not having is sex that penetrates her very soul. What you as a man are not having, basking in or giving is sex that penetrates her soul and thus yours as well. As David Deida says, ” Penetrate your woman the way you want to penetrate the world.” – I share this quote often and what I get is the deer in the head lights look from men and women alike. The concept that a man should fuck a woman the way he wants to fuck the world and in turn be fucked open himself by the world is a hard, scary and intimidating concept to fathom. It requires a masculine that is confident, not cocky. A masculine that can allow himself to be seen and felt fully like the movie Avatar speaks of – ” I see you.” This is vulnerability. This is masculine surrender. The masculine that can open himself to his woman and know that his purpose in that moment is to not just give her dick and “make her orgasm” but to be carried to heaven through her orgasm and allow for her to take him to realms of pleasure and depth that he cannot take himself. This masculine is sexually mature. This masculine knows that the power of his cock is more than just a sexual sword to slay a woman’s sex with. He is not desiring to conquer her or control her but to be opened to her and the universe through their love making, their fucking. In doing this he not only expands his orgasm and self, he also creates a container for her to dance in. To release and be seen fully in her feminine design and orgasm. In this space the two come together and are no longer just having sex, they are gods and goddesses basking in the light of the creator and they are in their full power. Here the two can discover deeper levels of self, the universe, life and they can manifest greatness in all areas of their lives through their beautiful sexing. Here they fuck each other wide open.
So back to the title of this article – Lot’s of Cock & Under-fucked.
Ask yourself this, no matter if you are a woman or man, ” When was the last time that my sex was something more than a stress release; a duty; or focused on the physical nature of the act? When was the last time I felt so connected to my core, my soul and all of life during sex and orgasm? When was the last time my sex fulfilled me to a point that it carried me through the following week in a state of bliss?
Now answer how much “sex” am I having?
If you are having sex once a week or even twice a month, if it is the gourmet variety I am speaking of than you can be carried through on it for days and weeks. I know this for a fact. If it is of the junk food or fast food variety then you are going to wake up undernourished and hungry for more sex and most likely need your next hit of its chemicals and release to get you through the next day or two. This is where addiction sets in. This is where you are not feeding yourself or your partner well. This is under-fucked, no matter how much sex your having.
There is hope if you are a junk food sex addict.
There is hope if you have not tasted gourmet fucking for some time or ever for that matter.
There is hope for you too to experience the revelation of your deepest being through your sex.
The answers are between your legs, your ears and in your chest. The answers are found in your presence, because your presence is your power and the only sword you ever need to discover this reality.
If your sex is not leading you to your deeper purpose, then it is time to make some changes.
To learn more on this topic and conscious sexing email me today or fill out an application to work me through one of my intensive programs in person, over the phone or web today.
You deserve to be properly fucked.
The universe is craving you!!!!
” A gift unopened is a gift not valued.”- KW
” There I lay with my legs spread wide open as I looked my lover in the eye’s. He was sweating, heated, passionate. Full of arousal and pleasure. His turn on was fulfilling at a deep level. With every thrust of his cock I could sense that this experience was beyond his anticipation and I was honored that I could gift him with it. As he thrusted himself into another’s woman pussy and she was devouring mine I could tell that the sheer act that I would be open to another woman going down on me and to make matters even more divine that she would be eating me out while he was having his way with her doggy style and getting to watch her enjoying me was by far the best Christmas present I could have come up with.
As she gasped for air and moaned from her pleasure and turn on he too became more aroused and leaned deeper into his own pleasure. From my vantage their joy and pleasure were beyond beauty. I found myself caught not in pleasure, not in rapture or orgasm of the physical realms but that of a deep emotional love for this man. In this moment I truly was not body present, if anything I was physically turned off from my own orgasm, but what I had discovered was a sexual giving that could not be touched and a beauty and appreciation for this world and our sex that I did not understand prior.
The adventure moved forward and before long I found myself in a 69 position with this woman and my partner now taking turns fucking her pussy up close and personal not more that a few inches away from eyes and face and then occasionally pulling out of her and thrusting deep into my mouth. Every time he switched from pussy to mouth or vise versa I could see the pulsing energy of his cock expand and he wanted so badly to take all that he could out of this moment. Once again I found myself hearing her moans, feeling her body on top of mine, her breathing changing and her body quivering, her pussy dripping with juices and wanting more but I could not feel her tongue, her lips and fingers as they danced along my vulva and found themselves in me. No, once again I was not able to truly drop down into my body and feel what was happening. But I could feel the high orgasmic energy of my partner and of our playmate. In this instance I found a new arousal yet again, it was a sort of mystery and joy combined in some sexual dance as I watched his cock and balls penetrate and slap up against her and then felt him not just quiver but literally vibrate as he penetrated my mouth. Holding his very hard cock deep in my throat, just past that tight spot I could get little gasps of air as he pulsed and moaned. This, this made me aroused. This activated me some.
Before long I was now on my back, our playmate sitting back sharing how great her view was. My pussy wide open before her and my partner now between my legs now taking me fully while she watched and masturbated to our live lovemaking scene. I could hear her moan, I could smell her in the room. His groans and growls with his ever deepening penetration was a turn on but once again, it was a mental and emotional turn on, it was a deeply intimate affair that made my heart leap with joy but my orgasm was no where to be found physically.”
This was a small take away from my first ever threesome with another woman. I had decided that I was going to gift my partner with something that he had always desired. A fantasy of his and I was over joyed that the whole experience was so beautiful. I still hold so much gratitude to the woman that we chose to share this moment with and who helped to deepen our intimacy as a couple. I wanted to gift the man I love with something I knew he had never been given and I was ecstatic that I was a woman who was willing to play in territories that were not always comfortable or about myself. I had not always been this way, my self-doubt, guilt, shame and concepts of giving and receiving had changed tremendously through the years and still do from time to time as I learn about myself and my own needs and desires. However I can say that the ability to share oneself without a need to receive is something that I cherish in myself. I also cherish the fact that I am extremely comfortable stating my boundaries and desires as well as needs in these areas.
As much as I love to give without receiving I also am not afraid to ask for what I desire. I have learned that giving of this nature can only happen when I myself am in a state of fullness and even better if my cup runneth over with orgasmic bliss already, as in these times are when I am not only willing to give and excited about it, but I want to give freely. In such moments I find my orgasm in others. I feel it when they express their joy, their pleasure. I feel my turn on not in the physical but in my heart and I experience a deeper layer of orgasmic living through this. These moments to me are very unsexual. They are playful education that help me remain in a state of acceptance, appreciation and openness.
This is where one’s willingness and wanting come together in a perfect dance to share love with someone in a special format that is not often understood by any of the parties in the moment it is happening. This is sharing of the unconditional sort.
Willingness Vs. Wanting
We all think that we understand the difference of these two. It seem’s pretty simple. Does it not?
“I am willing to help you move this weekend even though I actually want to just crash and veg on the couch because I am exhausted from the week.”
“I want to go to see Doctor Strange but am willing to see Moana instead.”
These are simple things to see the act of willingness with. The act of giving to another and not doing exactly what we want in the moment so that another can have pleasure with us, or through us or accomplish something that they might need or want to but would like our help with. This does not make the person receiving self-centered. It does allow them to be selfish though and selfishness is not a bad thing as long as we are willing to be grateful for it, give back when possible and do not ever put another into a situation of harm or trauma.
When we are self-centered we tend to not be concerned about others. In these times we express our desires for what we feel are our needs or wants and we do not stop to think about the cost to others, nor do we care. When we are self-centered we are like a bull in a friends china shop and we disregard everything but what we are focused on. We also typically do not allow for space to occur for someone else to make a decision of how they feel or if they want, are willing or otherwise around whatever we are pushing for.
Let me share a brief story to help clarify self-centeredness in sexing:
A few years back I worked with a couple and the main spiff they had was around anal sex. The man loved anal sex and the woman occasionally liked it but most of the time was not interested as it was not her major turn on and she had even been hurt during it a few times. The husband could not understand why his wife would not always enjoy this practice so he thought that if he insisted on doing it more consistently and “assured her” that she liked it during the process that she would get a clue and start to enjoy it as much as he did.
When I spoke to the husband he always shared his concern that she was not understanding how great this act was or her own pleasure. He was convinced that her complaints were false and that for some reason she was just trying to take away his pleasure. When I spoke with the wife she shared that it hurt horribly and his aggressive nature, lack of asking her if she was wanting or even willing to play like this caused her a lot of stress. She was ready to pull the plug on the marriage if it continued. And she did in the end. The husband was shocked that she would divorce him for asking for what he wanted and it being such a small matter at that.
This couple shares a true tale of one partner being self-centered and ONLY concerned about his own pleasure and gratification. To the point of insisting that his wife did not understand what was happening with her own body and emotions.
That is not selflishness though!
Selfishness is another animal all together. We miss use the word all the time and therefore tend to wrap guilt and shame around something that is actually needed and we should have more of.
Selfishness is when we ask for what we need. Selfishness does not mean that we will always get what we are asking for or that we should, it simply says that we know that we need something and that we know that we need to take care of ourselves. If we need another to help us fulfill this then we need to ask for it but if we can achieve it without another or can look elsewhere then often it is more than okay to do this as long as we remain in openness and integrity.
An example of being selfish would be:
After I had my seventh child I was having a really tough time gaining feeling back in my vaginal walls. It took me almost twice as long as previous postpartums. That did not stop my libido though, but the over tiredness and toddler who slept between my partner and myself plus the newborn did not make for the best of grounds for getting back in the saddle. On top of it when my partner and I had sex I could hardly feel him and could not orgasm. This all started doing a mind fuck on me and I found myself not interested in sex with my partner the way that I wanted to be. I knew that I was depleted of orgasmic energy and all the good hormones that get released and help support our bodies emotionally, mentally and physically when we are full on orgasm. I knew that if I did not get this soon that I would sink into depression even further and my old programs would have a better grip on me than normal. I knew that if I did not take care of myself and frequently that I would loose so much of myself and not be able to give to the world any more. So I took matters into my own hands and got SELFISH!!!!
I masturbated every morning. Being in an open relationship also allowed me to ask for more sex with not just my one partner but to pull in my other partner as well and start working my orgasm out in anyway possible. I asked my partners to go down on me, I asked to use toys, I even created some hot scenes that were playful and shared them and said that I wanted to try them. From someone looking in they may have said, ” This woman is a sex addict, she needs help, she is not thinking about anyone but herself.” They would have been right about one thing, I needed help, I needed to help myself and be selfish and I needed support from those who loved me.
Wanting, willing and taking. When we fully understand the differences we should be able to see the positive and negative that they all carry with them, just like anything in life.
Sometimes our wanting is so strong that it makes us forget about others. Other times our wanting is an act of sharing or a desire that we hope will be granted or at least heard in love and acceptance so that we can feel closer and more seen.
Our willingness is often based on one of three things:
*Love or care for another
The last two are based in fear and not even acts of selflessness, but acts of victim-hood and an inability to stand up for our own needs and boundaries. The first is based in love and often is unconditional and if it is conditional we are quick to set our terms.
When we speak of taking, it sounds so mean. Like we are stealing something or causing harm to another by taking. This is only sometimes true. Once again look at the motive behind the act. Look at the act itself. And most importantly realize that in any healthy relationship that one can ONLY take what is offered otherwise it is not a healthy relationship to start with. If you are taking without being offered then you need to examine your actions and realize that you are causing trauma. If you take something that is being offered authentically with no ill emotional back lash (i.e. guilt) then you are honoring your relationship and the gift bestowed upon you.
We take forcefully and we also take what we are being gifted. Ask yourself which it is and then choose wisely.
Honor those you love through the act of unconditional sharing and through the art of receiving. Remember that the gifts given that are unconditional are often the most beautiful.