“I smiled to myself as our car ate up the highway in front of us. The trip had promised and delivered! We had time for serious conversation, sharing funny stories, exploring our thoughts and feelings, even discussing work. The objective for the trip had been met, complete with work, play, sex, and connection with many.
As I sat in the car on that sunny afternoon, I felt free. My heart was light, happy and playful. As music played from the radio, I turned so that I could face him in the driver’s seat, and admired every detail of his body. I allowed my gaze to take in every drop of him, from the sexy sunglasses covering those eyes that had faced me through many kisses and moments of steamy sex, ears that had received whispered secrets, dark curly hair that I loved to lace my fingers through, and those lips! Those full succulent lips that I liked to tease with my tongue! At this point in my game of observation, I could feel heat beginning to well up in my core, moving upward into my chest. My heart was beginning to beat just a bit faster as my mind began to wander with delicious thoughts about this man that was so close to me that I could just reach out my hand and touch him. But I refrained. I wanted to continue my very slow observation and take in every single part of him…with only my eyes!
Next were his shoulders, firm and muscular, tapering down his ripped body visible through the tight-fitting shirt. His arms, toned and browned from the sun, were relaxed and extended. In that moment, I closed my eyes and could imagine those long curved hands reaching around me and moving along my body. Yes! It was beginning to get a bit warm in the car on this autumn day! I returned to my game, allowing my gaze to settle on his lap. I followed his hips and legs with my vision, knowing that underneath the faded, soft denim were long lean legs, and nestled between was his gorgeous manhood! Immediately, I could feel the signs of my mind and body being turned on, alert and ready! I felt my skin flushing and tingling, heart beating harder and faster, and thoughts of touching this man stopped my game of only observing. I slowly moved my hand to his thigh, and began to rub his leg. His attention and desire responded immediately, and I allowed my hand to explore any part of his body that I could reach from the passenger seat. His hand came across to meet my body, but I gently returned it to the steering wheel. I wanted to play with my rules for now! For what seemed like forever was actually only about 20 minutes! I had full access to his clothed body and used my hand to explore every inch.
As desire became stronger, I slowly released his belt, and the opening to his jeans. At this point, I allowed his hand to find contact with my body, and he slowly and meticulously found his way to the damp, warm place between my legs, under the edge of my skirt. And this play continued for the remainder of the journey home, a slow, steady build of desire and yearning to physically join these bodies. A dance developed, of the rise and fall as we stroked and played each other up a mountain, without going over the top, and retreating for a plateau of rest. At some point, we were unable to speak aloud anymore. The air in the car became thick with tension begging to be released.
As we arrived back home, and the car came to a complete stop, our bodies turned and joined with one of the most sensual make-outs I can ever remember having! The console to the car kept our union limited to mouths and hands, still a steamy exploration of each other! As we got out of the car, and began to gather bags and various items from the trunk, I heard a whisper coming from behind me, followed by the feel of his full body, pressing firmly into mine. We had arrived. “
Have you ever wished for more fun in your life?
Have you ever wondered how you ended up doing all these mundane boring tasks?
There is a better way!
Life is meant to be enjoyed to the fullest.
How can you find this playful spot in the nooks and crannies of your everyday life?
1. Adopt the attitude! Believe it can happen. The first step to manifesting any destination is having a belief in that I can attitude.
2. Request the results!
There is power in the spoken word. When you speak your desire not only are you allowing the universe to hear it, but you are also naming it and owning it for yourself.
3. Vary the view!
We’ve all heard the phrase there are two sides to every story. Or remember the tried-and-true the half glass can be half empty or half full? Change your perspective. A small variation in how you see a task or a situation or an unexpected bump in the road, can make all the difference.
4. Prioritize the possibilities!
We’ve all experienced the list of things to do that is longer than the time we have in any given day. By consciously choosing the things in our lives that can be done within the given parameters with joy, we are giving ourselves permission to play. Owning in the responsibility for our own happiness…
Noticing how we can give and receive pleasure in the every day ordinary spots in our lives, is the key to incorporating orgasm through our bodies and our minds and our lives and the people we touch!
About the Author Carmen Phillips
Okay folks, here we go! This is one of my favourite topics to talk about – probably because it is the corner stone of a very important life lesson that has been one of the most important in my life thus far. Today we are going to talk about why it’s not only okay, but also why it is essential to your health and wellbeing to be self-’ish’.
Now, before you go all crazy on me and send me angry emails, let me explain what I mean.
As you can see from the graphic I have created above, I have illustrated a spectrum; on one end is selflessness and on the other there is self centeredness. And right in the middle there is selfishness.
Let’s explore these three terms shall we?
Selflessness: This one is a doozy! This term is used to describe someone who has little or no concern for oneself. This is someone who puts others and their needs before their own. They do not consider their happiness to be important, but live to make others happy. This display of altruism is often regarded as pious and honourable. The idea of putting others before yourself is something that is celebrated by some. While it is indeed virtuous to display kindness and generosity to others (I’m not denying this), I want to talk to you about the unhealthy side of selflessness. I want to talk about how, over time, it can actually be the leading cause of burnout and unhappiness in many of our lives.
There are many of us (particularly us women) who have grown up believing that it is important (even essential) to please others and put their needs before our own. This is how many of us have learnt to survive in our relationships – by making others happy. Selflessness has been our ‘currency’ for love and feeling important. This pattern of behaviour, however, has also led us to unhealthy patterns of codependency and the ever life-sucking YES-syndrome.
Do you know what I mean when I say YES-syndrome? It’s when you say yes to everyone else and their needs so often, that you end up saying no to yourself and your needs by default. Worse yet, you become convinced that saying yes to your needs is a bad thing and you feel guilty for any act of self love or self care that you may display.In fact, for some this unbridled benevolence can become pathological to the point of martyrdom. Where some believe that the suffering they feel by putting others first is a righteous thing and that they do not deserve to feel happiness or joy.
To be self-less, implies that there is no self or that you deny yourself. You act as if you do not exist and deny your own wants, needs and desires. To the point that you lose touch with who you really are. Hence why so many of us end up unhappy because we have lost touch with who we are and deprived ourselves of much needed self love and self care. While it is important to love others and show generosity and kindness, it is not healthy to do so to the detriment of oneself.
Selflessness in my opinion, is just as unhealthy as being self-centered.
To be self-centered is the exact opposite of being selfless. It is when you are so self absorbed that you solely focus on your own needs to the detriment of others. This is someone who does what they want and does not care how their actions may affect others. Ironically, the selfless person and the self-centered person make for a match made in dysfunctional relationship heaven!
Now let’s talk about being self-’ish’.
In my mind this is the balance between the two extremes; selflessness and self-centeredness. It is a healthy balance between being considerate of others and their needs, but not sacrificing our own needs. The reality is that if you don’t take care of yourself, you can experience a vast array of health problems, depression, burnout, stress, unhappiness, fatigue, reduced mental functioning, anxiety, frustration, inability to sleep and even death. No joke.
You have to make sure there’s gas in the car if you want to drive it and you can’t get very far driving on fumes.
A great example of this concept is when you fly in an airplane and the flight attendant instructs you to put your oxygen mask on first before helping the person seated next to you. Now for the selfless person, they would think, “But shouldn’t I help the other person first? That seems like the right thing to do.”
The self-centered person thinks, “Heck yeah, I’ll put the mask on myself and only myself. I don’t care about the other person.”
The self-“ish” person puts the oxygen mask on themselves first because they know that they need to take care of themselves to survive. And then, once their needs are taken care of, they can help the person seated next to them. The self-‘ish’ person knows that if you are 10,000ft in the air and run out of oxygen, that they are never going to be able to help anyone else, let along help themselves??!!
All jokes aside, this is an important metaphor for those of us who run around taking care of everything and everyone else except ourselves.
It’s time to ask yourself honestly where you fall on the spectrum. Let go of the excuses and the guilt, and genuinely commit to being more self-“ish”. Because if you are healthy and happy and taken care of, everyone else around you will benefit.
Is group sex really as taboo as it seems?
Tradition holds that if we want to have sex, we’ve got to partner up. Once you find your mate, you can place A into B to create C. But what happens when you add someone to the party? And then another. And another, and another….
Group sex is one of those things that make some people go “hmm.” It’s seemingly taboo and kinky and yet, spontaneously attractive. There’s a reason why PornHub’s “Orgy” category holds over 7,000 videos. Most of the collection consists of thrusting bodies, flapping genitalia, oily messes, and tons of fingers — pretty much what you’d expect out of a “group sex” setting. And while that description may leave some a bit scandalized, it piques the interest of others.
In her book, The Bonobo Way: The Evolution of Peace Through Pleasure, sex therapist Susan Block details a standard sexual environment in the life of our “long-lost kissing cousins,” the bonobo, writing, “Bonobo eroticism doesn’t discriminate between genders: all bonobos are, according to their fashion, bisexual or pansexual. Some bonobo sex is relatively private, but most is out in the open where others may watch or join in.”
Block’s description of group sex in humans sets a similar tone. She told me over the phone, “Group sex is not artificial. It’s very natural. And group sex is not particular. ”She added, “I think there’s something in all of us that responds to this idea of ‘more than one.’”
She brought up the notion of “collective joy” and introduced an argument made by Barbara Ehrenreich in her book, Dancing In the Street. Ehrenreich suggests that sporting arenas, nightclubs and dance halls function as some of the few spaces society has designated to this idea of “collective joy.” Block says sex may very well have been one of channels through which our ancestors experienced the phenomenon.
But just because something once was doesn’t make it relevant today. Those who don’t buy the “maybe nature made us this way” hypothesis may lean on another to explain the drive for group sex: it’s fun, and fun things make you happy.
Block told me, “The couple unit is great. I’m all for the couple unit. I’m in a couple unit myself: 23 years of marriage. I’m very romantic about the couple. And yet, it can be the most suffocating thing in the world, you know, to expect everything from one person. I mean, most of us are expected to meet all of our sexual and erotic needs within one relationship of marriage that is supposed to last our entire lives.”
She added, “And there’s nothing wrong with that, and mostly, that’s what we need to do to have a regular sex life. And it’s probably the most intimate form of sex. But, I think there is something very special and truly wonderful about communal ecstasy and opening up to the group that partnered sex just isn’t.”
“Just the smell. Just the intensity of people having sex around you is going to light up your libido. I can guarantee it.”
An online study conducted by the Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality polled 1,092 swingers to better understand the demographic. Of those who reported being in an “unhappy relationship” before swinging, 90.4% said their relationship became happier after entering the lifestyle. The study also found that swingers were more likely to report being in a “happy marriage” than the non-swingers interviewed. (Though some “experts” remain wary of the argument that swinging can actually improve marital happiness.)
Formal group sex takes place often in specific venues that follow a certain set of rules. They serve as one of the rare spaces where women truly call the shots. Couples and single women are welcome to play around in all areas of the club. Single men, if allowed in, are given limited access.
Block told me, “Male aggression is very toned down, and females are encouraged to be assertive… The sheer amount of estrogen just keeps things very peaceful.”
So long as you like group sex (and pussy) these places are where it’s at. Just make sure you’ve talked through the logistics with your partner beforehand. A lot of clubs have sections devoted to “dealing with jealousy” listed under the rules.
Intimacy coach Rebekah Beneteau told me, “The idea that you can have what you want, that you can be the center of attention, that you can go after pleasure is somewhat alien in our society but I really think that that is a healthy kind of selfishness.”
Beneteau runs the company Pleasure Evolution with her partner, Trevor Jones.
Of course, no conversation about group sex would be complete without mention of voyeurism. Jones told me, “Speaking as a man who’s had a fantasy of being with two women, voyeurism is definitely key. Very few men can keep up with two women who have a high sex drive. So at some point, you’re sitting back watching them. And that’s sort of the enjoyment. You get to see live what you’ve only fantasized about and watched in pornography.”
Beneteau added, “For a lot of women, what happens is once they start getting turned on, and they come once, the get revved up. They have a high need to keep coming. And having multiple guys means they can tag out when they get tired.”
It’s true, a lot of people would be hurt to see their partner having sex with another person. I’d probably fall into that category myself. But if you’re willing to enter into a group sex environment, there are some things you’ve got to understand. One is the idea of compersion.
Compersion is a concept frequently cited by those who practice polyamory. The term refers to deriving pleasure from your partner’s pleasure. This experience can take different forms. Beneteau told me, “For us personally, if he’s been with somebody else, I like to hear about it. It turns me on. But we have to be naked. And we have to be fooling around.”
That said, developing this idea of compersion isn’t easy for those of us who grew up under the umbrella of monogamy. If it’s not something you want to take on, don’t try it. To each their own.
If you are interested in dipping a toe into the group sex scene, however, don’t let fears about jealousy stop you. Block says, “A little bit of possessiveness is okay… But people that ride this wave of swinging or group sex or polyamory turn the jealousy into compersion,” adding, “Jealousy is a feeling of connectedness that goes bad. Compersion is a feeling of connectedness that blossoms into good feelings for you.”