Picture from Vulva Love Lovely
The elusive female orgasm, what is it and how many types are there? For many years and still in some views women don’t have orgasms. EVER! Yet the majority of the world has come to the reality that like men, women are sexual beings whom enjoy orgasms. Matter a fact women are blessed with the ability to have multiple orgasms (waves) and it is uncertain as to just how many types of orgasm a woman can actually experience. I am going to cover the three main types of female orgasm here and give a brief summary of the other eight that are most taught in Tantric Therapy. As well as a peek at the two most powerful Orgasms that are highly sought after and needed for female health.
In today’s time many women claim not to have vaginal orgasms and this is very possible because of the blocked trauma that is preventing them of doing such. However ALL women are able to have vaginal orgasms once their physical, mental and emotional bodies are healed and united. Indeed, this type of orgasm can be tricky to achieve. For multiple reasons, one being, the vagina is not exactly optimally designed for maximum orgasmic potential — most of the sensations are felt in the first (outer) third of the vagina. Unlike a man’s penis that is sensitive all over the shaft area the internal cavities of the vagina are not. Unless proper healing and body/mind/emotion connection has been harmonized allowing for optimum sensation on the walls of the vagina. Experts and researchers such as Barbara Keesling have discussed the pleasure potential of the “cul-de-sac” — an area at the back of the vaginal canal, just behind where the cervix enters the vagina. Women can experience very intense orgasms with stimulation here. Some refer to this as “the X-spot. This area of the vagina near and on the cervix is very sensitive for the majority of women. However some are “numb” at the cervix area. Any woman who has had her lover press deep into her and push on her cervix most likely knows what this can feel like. For most women that have experienced some sort of traumatic, emotional experience(s) in their lifetime however, this feeling may not be pleasurable AT ALL. Instead it may feel like a dagger and the pain from the pressure may well up tears, cause instant anger, fear, anxiety and indeed a longing to stop whatever sexing is happening in that moment. Weather a woman feels this sort of pain or numbness while having the cervix massaged does not matter other then it shows that there is great healing of the cervix that needs to happen. Once a cervix is healthy and these negative traumatic blockages are released from the cellular tissue, a woman can experience endless, powerful, full body orgasms. The orgasms that come from the cervix are like no other, they carry with them a depth of soul, emotion and physical power that it is hard to describe. One must experience to understand.
Fact: In actuality, when most people talk about a vaginal orgasm, they are more specifically referring to a G-Spot orgasm.
For something so small, the G-spot has certainly managed to make its way to center stage in woman’s sexuality — and as with anything that is in the lime light it has stirred up more than its share of controversy. Some people don’t believe it exists at all, while others swear by its ability to produce unparalleled pleasure.
The G-Spot is a small area within the upper wall of the vagina, about one to two inches from the opening. With insertion of a finger you may feel this small area that has a rougher, almost chicken skin texture on the outer skin feel to it just past the urethral sponge. To assist you in finding it you can press with the inserted finger upward while connecting your thumb to the clitoris and acting as though you are pressing the two fingers together. Not all G-spots are in the exact same location however, somewhere within this region you will discover with present soft touching the G-spot. When a partner is looking for this spot pay close attention to your lover, she will certainly feel when you press on it. Some women have the ability to reach orgasm through direct stimulation of the G-Spot or gentle massage of the area. When the G-Spot is stimulated, the woman will often feel as if she has the urge to urinate. And, in fact, during a G-Spot orgasm, many women will mistakenly believe they have accidentally urinated. This is because a G-Spot orgasm is notable because it is usually accompanied by a lot of fluid. This is generally referred to as “female ejaculation.” Yet, the fluid is released from the urethral sponge area. When the G-spot is being massaged the sponge normally is massaged as well. Both of these areas can start out very small and even hard to find in some women, but once stimulated they can expand and grow to taking up a much larger part of the internal vaginal wall.
The same applies to the G-spot that was mentioned with cervix. When a woman has experienced traumatic experiences in her life time, may that be sexual abuse, abandonment, deep fears, loss of loved ones, physical/mental abuse, child birth or other events that can cause trauma to lock up in the cellular tissues, the G-spot as well as the Urethral sponge, cervix and/or clitoris can become overly sensitive and painful to the touch or dull and numb. Either of these reactions is a sign of needed healing and release of these stored traumas.
Once healed properly this elusive yet magical place in a woman’s body can bring great pleasure and fulfillment in lovemaking.
Hint of Peach
The clitoral orgasm is generally viewed as the easiest type of orgasm for a woman to achieve which is why it’s the fixation of both men and women in “getting her, her’s first” idea. Some women also deem it the most pleasurable, but other women who experience G-spot orgasm, cervical, or whole-body orgasm may disagree with that. In fact, many women believe that they are unable to achieve orgasm unless the clitoris is stimulated, even if this occurs only indirectly by way of friction from intercourse. However, this is often because, with most sexual encounters, women don’t get enough time to awaken their vaginas and the sensitive spots internally to experience orgasm through stimulation of them. If lovemaking was slowed down and extended long enough too really, REALLY arouse a woman before penetration, it is a safe to say that lots more women would be experiencing more than clitoral orgasm. As well as the healing needed that has been covered in other orgasm types. This too is the case with the clitoris. It is important to note that the clit can become over sensitive very easily and once this happens pleasure quickly becomes irritation and pain, killing a women’s hunger for sex. Similar to the tip of a man’s penis the clitoris can become desensitized as well. This happens from too much extended massaging or friction. Many women and men have been programmed to believe that rough is good on the clit, yet as with the case for everything, each woman’s clit is different. Not just different from other women but different in sensation moment to moment. It’s important to pay close attention and keep open communication flowing when in all of your sexing.
Even in self-pleasuring the majority of women focus on clitoral stimulation as to bring themselves to orgasm because they have learned that this is often the quickest and most effective route. However, the speed training of the body to expand into orgasm is not allowing for full sexuality to unfold and the liberation that can be experienced through orgasm is side stepped because we have lost an appreciation for slow, deep loving and sexing in our lives. Causing the majority of the relationship, emotional, and even psychological issues that many deal with today. This quick to orgasm societal habit that has formed contributes to anxiety, stress, depression, poor health and blocked trauma.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating a small spot which contains sensitive erectile tissue directly above and on either side of the urethral opening.
To achieve orgasm here and heighten all sexual stimulation insert a single finger into the anal canal by about ½ to 1 inch, no deeper than your first knuckle. Then gently press this finger against a finger or two that has been inserted into the vagina at the same distance, begin gentle massaging while pressing these two areas together. Some women do enjoy full penetration anally, orgasm can achieved this way if a woman is first sexually stimulated and fully relaxed. She must trust her partner deeply so that her body can move past the initale discomfort and into the pleasure. Anal sexing is a slow moving, deeply emotional event and must be regarded with honor and care as to not further cause any trauma to the woman.
This orgasm is achieved by stimulating about ¾ of an inch deep in the front wall of the vagina. This area of the vagina is extremely sensitive and as blood rushes to it it becomes even more so. Often this area is over looked because penetration happens so quickly.
Deep Spot Orgasm
This area is located deep in the vagina just before the cervix. It is the deepest back wall of the vagina. This area may be numb or over sensitive if a woman has block trauma however. Massaging of this area and clearing at the cellular level can help induce powerful orgasms.
Some woman can reach orgasm by the stimulation of their breasts. Soft sensual touching, kissing, pinching and even a nursing action can bring some women to orgasm and is a great way to increase pleasure in foreplay or lovemaking. But again, watch for over stimulation.
Some women are extremely sensitive in their mouths can achieve orgasm while kissing or receiving/giving oral sex. The extra saliva formation that happens as arousal kicks up adds to the sensitive internal areas of the mouth as well as the lips. The direct mental link between mouth and genitals can be intense for some.
Some women can reach orgasm at the touch of their skin. Perhaps this is good reason many ancient sexual practices focus on massage and bodywork.
Some women can reach orgasm during auditory or visual stimulation, such as watching a movie, reading erotic literature or watching others having sex. This orgasm happens without any physical stimulation.
Two other BIG Orgasm Types for women that SHOULD NOT go unspoken of are Full Body and Emotional Orgasms. Both of these happen from a blending of the above mentioned orgasms and can only be achieved if sex is approached from a slow fashion and certain levels of healing has happened allowing for a woman to open into herself and trust in her partner to level needed that the orgasmic energy can dance throughout her chakra system and manifest as a full body or emotional orgasm.
It is possible to move men, through God, by prayer alone. ~ Hudson Taylor
It was a cold winter evening as we got into the car. I could not help but wonder why I was feeling the need to pray for Lisa at this moment. I prayed every night for Lisa as well as her brother and sister, but why now, in this moment? We were headed back home and Lisa was in the car with her uncle in front of us, her brother and sister were with me. She waved to us as we left the parking lot following them home from an evening out in the city. Everything seemed fine and yet there was this eager feeling to pray, pray NOW for Lisa. I was bewildered yet paused for a moment in my mind and took a deep breath, “Please Lord, watch over Lisa, send your angels to protect her from harm’s way.” Shortly thereafter I saw a semi’s lights coming toward the car that Lisa was a passenger in. I gasp a sigh as the trailer of the truck swayed back and forth in the lanes ahead. Quickly I prayed again,” Please Lord, protect Lisa in these moments, remove her from harm’s way.” The car that Lisa and her Uncle were in slowed and pulled to the side of the road, the swaying semi passed them and they were safe. Just then I noticed another car, the trailer of the truck crashed into it smashing the back end of the vehicle. We pulled over, the semi managed to stop as well. All of us running to the passengers in the car that had been hit. Everyone was safe luckily but the back of the car was crunched up to the front seats. As the driver of the car got out shakily with his wife and daughter he was shocked at the damage. I asked if they were ok and he said, ‘Yes. Luckily we stopped a few miles back though or it would not be so.” I inquired what he meant. “A few miles back we pulled over and swapped the present we had been out buying this evening into the back seat so our daughter could sit up front with us. If we had not done this she would not be here anymore.” Looking at the car again, the Christmas presents in the back seat were destroyed as they pressed against the back of the front seats of the car, if she had been back there she would not have survived most likely. I looked at the young girl and asked, “What’s your name?” She smiled at me and said, “Lisa.”
This story is adapted from one I read in Guidepost Magazine while in Chicago on my stay. A miraculous true tail from a woman about listening to spirit and praying with faith. Now you may be wondering why a tantrika is writing about praying and faith and what do they have in common with tantric practices or what I teach. Prayer is one of the most powerful forces we have. It is a direct link to the Divine and it should NEVER be taken lightly. Moments as the above show us that we all have power to manifest a better life scenario for ourselves and for those around us. It is in the power of our thinking that we create our world and to believe that our thoughts do not affect others is sheer foolishness. May they be positive (as above) or negative our thoughts go forth into the world and make time and space non relevant. If we are sending out thoughts of hatred, jealousy, judgment, or something else on this line then what we are doing is throwing a large poisonous boulder into the stream of life. The ripples caused by this one forceful thought will expand out and back. You can look at it like a rubber band being pulled on from one point, as the rubber band expands out it touches a great deal of space before it releases and comes back to where it started. But it does not just come back to where it started; it forms a powerful energetic whiplash effect as it crashes back into the starting zone. Often this whiplash is felt energetically long before the rubber band ever is released. This subtle vibration is known as Spanda. When relating Spanda back to our thoughts and feeling a vibration with them you could say that this is your subconscious, the angel on your shoulder that is arguing with the devil on the other shoulder. In other words, it’s that soft voice that tells you that these thoughts are not aligned with your higher self or the universe and that by sending out these thoughts consciously or unconsciously you will experience a whiplash (negative effects, karma). As will those that you are throwing these stones at.
How is it possible that others can be affected by our negative thoughts? The universe does not pay attention to what we want or what we don’t want, what the universe hears is what we attach the most emotion too. When we have great rage toward someone, our mental, physical and emotional bodies feel it. Our Spirit sits by and tries to guide our reactions away from anger and suffering motives and toward love and light. But often we find ourselves thriving on the short circuit of energy that is caused through the lower grade ego based emotions. After all it is how we have been programmed since we were small children. Because we are all energy vibrations, when we experience great love or hatred, sadness or exhilaration our bio-energetic fields expand out and dance with others. When we become extremely fixated (attached emotionally) to something, most likely a thought that is linked to this emotion, we feed it with more emotion. Making our vibrational wave even grater and stronger in effect.
“Our thoughts do not come from the brain, just as music does not originate in the circuits of a physical radio. The brain is like an antenna – it picks up a signal and rebroadcasts it into the conscious mind. If we could distinguish thoughts that come from the Light from those that come from the Shadow 9the Opponent), we could reclaim control of our lives.” – The Power of Kabbalah Card Deck
If we are in a negative state of being and attached to thoughts that are supporting this state then what we are doing is acting like ink in a water glass to all those we come in contact with. What do I mean? Take a glass of clear water then drop one tiny drop of ink into the glass. What happens to the crystal clear water? You can see the ink swirling around in the water; it slowly merges with all the water molecules, causing the once clear water to be tainted. Our energy field can taint or heighted the energy of others around us, and just as with the glass of water, the drop started at the top of the glass but did finally make it to the bottom and at the end penetrated each molecule. This is the same with our thoughts. When we are harsh on another in our thinking we send out darkness. We cloud ourselves instead of bringing light to a situation. When we stop and pause, listen to our Spirit, to the soft voice of angels, God, our higher self or whatever name you want o put here we come from love and acceptance that everything is as is intended to be. This does not mean that having upset feeling is wrong by any means. Allowing yourself to feel all emotion is healthy and part of our human existence as well as a major part of healing, however attachment to these emotions for long periods of time is destructive. The beauty of this is that once we understand how powerful our thoughts truly are, we can stop manifesting chaos and suffering and instead manifest a beautiful world. Just as the woman in the story above chose to listen to angelic assistance, the voice of spirit to help assist another so should each of us take a conscious moment in each day to look outward and pray in a positive manifestation for all beings.
Through meditation and prayer we are given the chance to remember and accept who and what we REALLY are! Pray or meditate TODAY to discover your reality and assist in the birthing of The Shift on this planet.
Recently I did a talk for Daniel D’Neuville at the Harmony Wellbeing Center in Irving Texas. I found the center to be very peaceful and inviting as well as the modalities offered through them to be among some of the best in the Texas area from what I can tell. I strongly encourage anyone in the DFW area and even those who are not but looking for holistic alternatives to healing to explore the story of this wellness center. The founder has a powerful tale of overcoming Parkinson’s through the use of some of the services now offered at this location.
Now as for the topic of my talk the other night: Tantra as a Spiritual Path
Funny enough even though in recent times and mostly brought on by the closed mindedness of our society Tantra has been forgotten as a spiritual path, however when one researches it they will quickly see it primarily defined as just this; a spiritual path. Thus what tantra is known for in today’s western world is not primarily as a spiritual practice but as a way to infuse ones sexing with “hawt” moves and positions. It has also gotten a reputation as a sexual practice for those who do not believe in marriage, monogamy or any form of a committed relationship. These judgement’s on Tantra have led for much miseducation and even instilled fear in the common population, making it hard for those who honesty practice the spiritual nature of this beautiful art.
In truth the sexual practices of Tantra even though they do exist are the minor of the practice. Marriage, monogamy and committed relations are not something that those who practice Tantra avoid or discourage. These relationship forms are very much alive and active in the Tantra world, however as one expands consciousness and heals their physical, emotional and mental bodies they also experience a liberation of societal constraints, often referred to as openness. This openness allows for an individual to accept where they or their partner is at any given moment in a relationship and sometimes can lead to what is know as an open or polyamorous relationship. Do not be fooled to think that these forms of relationship are anything but committed. When one embarks on such a path with their partner they have to commit to a higher standard of trust, integrity and personal growth as well as love. Without these core things in place all will fall to the waste side. Such high consciousness relationships are based on COMMUNICATION and INTEGRITY. So much so that I have found the average “marriage” or committed relationship not open, trusting or even unconditionally loving enough to handle the truth of this deep heart based communication.
Tantra teaches sacred sexuality and this is what is marketed around the world for the most part. Humanity has struggled with sexuality and similar related topics, but interestingly enough there has always been arts and sciences devoted to the honoring of the sacred, sexual self. In fact all of the cosmoses origins are birthed in a sensual dance of lovemaking. These creative forces are found in all of cosmic and human manifestations. The Divine Masculine and Feminine are everywhere! Look at EVERY major religion and philosophy and you will discover a sect devoted to mysticism. Each sect of mysticism has a sector devoted to consciously comprehending and exploring the deeper concepts of sexuality and its sacredness as well as the integration of spirituality and sexuality.
So what does Tantra mean anyway?
Tantra is a Sanskrit word of two parts. The prefix, tan, means “to expand, to join or weave.” The latter part, tra, means “tool.” When placing these two together you get the definition — ” a tool to expand, liberate, and bring together.”
Tantra does this through the practice of many spiritual, emotional, mental and physical tools that assist in the development of our kundalini energy. Kundalini energy is our, as well as the universes essence or vital force. This 3 1/2 coiled serpent power that resides in our beings at the base of the spine is understood as the mechanism that awakens and expands. This “awakening” as you will hear it referred to the most is what leads to fulfillment, realization, liberation, and salvation. This awakening comes about through breath work, meditation, bodywork, ceremonies and rituals, yoga practices, as well as the presence and the weaving of all of life together and the ability to face and press through ones inner caverns where our ghosts and demons hide, allowing for spiritual light and healing to create a new reality.
The coils: Prana, Chitta and Para all have a separate role in our ascension process.
Prana kundalini which is essentially the energy that powers the fluctuation of the cerebral spinal fluid within the spinal column is commonly known as The Breath of Life. It is the fluctuation within the cerebral fluid that is considered within the spiritual tradition to be the essence of the three faze respiration process that powers ones physiology. With this coil of kundalini you experience all of your bodily functions and movements within this experiential world.
Chitta kundalini, which is Sanskrit for mind stuff is the vital energy of the mind. It is due to chitta that we are able to take in all the senses as well as information and structure it within as our personal history. This formation of personal history is how we manifest our instincts and our views of the world.
Para kundalini, which is the highest form is the universal vital life force essence itself. I refer to it as the God Spark. It is the source from which all of experience is delivered. It is within this that we experience Spanda. Spanda is Sanskrit meaning to move a little. Better described as the extremely soft and subtle vibrations of the universe. This energy has been referred to as the Holy Ghost, that quiet still voice that comes upon us in certain times of awakening and communing with God that softly moves us. However it is commonly known as microwaves, discovered by Bell Labs back in the 1960’s. A microwave is a subtle vibration which at the time of the study seemed to be equal throughout the entire universe. This very subtle vibration was the residue of the Big Bang and the residual vibration of the energy that the whole universe was formed from.
This Para kundalini is what tantric body work helps to expand throughout a being. As all three coils open (awaken) they travel though the chakra system detoxifying a person on EVERY level. This detoxification process can sometimes happen quickly but often can take months or even years. Once complete an individual is basically born again. This time they find themselves in a new world, with new thinking programs and new realities birthing from the way the process and experience life. A beautiful but often painful struggle must be made to ascend to these deeper, more expansive forms of personal consciousness, but when ones does they learn to live openly full of unconditional love and acceptance in gratitude and humility. A life of Soul Integrity.
This is what Tantra as a Spiritual Practice focuses on. Unlike most other spiritual and religious practices tantra teaches that in order to awaken this higher state of consciousness one must be allowed and even encouraged to FULLY EMBRACE ALL of Life.
In the United States, fall marks a trifecta of holidays that snowball, picking up speed as they carry us,—often chaotically—from October through the New Year. The party starts with the distinctly non-religious (some would say pagan) celebration of Halloween; progresses to the spiritually inclusive embracing of gratitude that is Thanksgiving; and culminates in various religious observances ranging from Christmas to Hanukkah to Kwanza. Sadly, long before we reach Thanksgiving Day, we are already being bombarded with commercial messages regarding the season to come, and a true sense of gratitude gets lost in the shuffle.
So how do we avoid succumbing to this all-pervasive seasonal commercialism? Here are some ideas for putting the thanks back in your family’s Thanksgiving celebration this year:
It sounds obvious. Too simple. But to cultivate a sense of gratitude, we must actually take time at our meal to give thanks. A pre-meal blessing is a good start, but why not take it a step further and have everyone around your Thanksgiving table share a blessing they are particularly grateful for this year? If your crowd needs some prompting, pass a basket filled with slips of paper that ask each person to recall either a friend, a family member, a place, an opportunity, a trip, a meal, a relationship, etc. that has brought them joy during the past year. This little nudge may get the gratitude ball rolling, and before you know it your gathering will be filled with the real spirit of Thanksgiving.
ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME
Don’t short circuit the attitude of gratitude you cultivate on Thanksgiving Day by diving into preparations for the next holiday right away. Give yourself some breathing room. Be mindful about moving from one holiday to the next and about creating space between the two. Holiday magic is lost if we are in perpetual celebratory mode from October through the New Year. The deeper significance of each commemoration is sublimated if they are dragged out and run together. So instead of obsessing about what picture to put on your Christmas card the minute the turkey leftovers are in the fridge, try staying in the Thanksgiving spirit at least through the entire day. A post-meal walk with family and friends is a great way to revel in the beautiful fall weather and work off some of that delicious meal you all enjoyed.
BOYCOTT BLACK FRIDAY
And when you wake up the next morning, commit to boycotting Black Friday. One concrete way to establish a boundary between Thanksgiving and your next holiday celebration (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, etc.) is to eschew this retail-centric tradition. That’s right. No matter how tempting the sales. How amazing the deals. Make a pact with yourself (and family and friends if they are on a similar path) to stay home the day after Thanksgiving. Remember those blessings you talked about around the table the day before. Build a fire. Play board games. Watch football. Do anything but turn your spiritual celebration into a material quest.
Too often we feel swept up by forces outside ourselves during this busy time of your. Our head is filled with more “must do” items than will fit on a one-page to-do list. In reality, there is very little that we must do to make this season special for ourselves, our friends and our family. By focusing on keeping things simple and taking it slow, we can return to our Thanksgiving roots, established by Native Americans and colonists, of coming together, sharing what we have and giving thanks.
By Monette Chilson READ ORIGINAL POST on Om Times
” Reality 1: Hang on to Old Reality consciousness and becom immersed in its crumbling facade and deepening devastation. This reality will be filled with mounting evidence that the old ways of seeing the world are no
Reality 2: Align yourself with the uplifting grace of New Reality consciousness and its inherent sense of the new, the hopeful and the inspired. Align yourself with its enormous potential to build a new and better world.
These two realities are like two ships waiting to leave port. Both ships have raised steam; their propulsion turbines are at rest, yet poised with potential and ready to push the massive ships forward.
For now, you are still able to move from one ship to the other, making your choice while they remain in port, but time is running short. The two ships, Reality 1 and Reality 2, are about to leave port and go their separate ways.
The reality that you subscribe to – the one to which you give the most energy – is the one that you will see manifest more and more in your perception of the world.
When storms pass by, they affect all ships. As world crises pass by, they affect all people. The difference is that those in the New Reality community will sense the emerging love and the new hope for a better world that emerges with each crisis, while those who subscribe to the Old Reality consciousness will fall deeper into a fear-filled view of reality.
Here are the rules of Reality 1: Watch the television, especially the news. Be afraid, very afraid. Do what you are told.
Here are the rules of Reality 2: Notice the ever-increasing frequency of consciousness that fills the air. Notice how each day makes it easier to access the unconditional love of heart-centered consciousness. Notice how you can join with others of like mind and work for a better reality, a future filled with community and support, while helping each other to realize more spiritual unfoldment.
For a time, the people of Reality 1 and Reality 2 will keep sharing the same world. The difference is the lens through which they will perceive reality.
The lens that looks at a material world sees one reality, while the lens that looks through the heart sees a totally different picture, even though they are looking at the same world. The lens that you choose determines how you experience your reality.
The time has come to make a firm decision to join the good ship, “Reality 2,” with its New Reality consciousness, and to see the world through a lens that encourages your purpose in life.
It is a time to expand your awareness through an increased focus on spiritual consciousness, through the study and practice of the universal laws, and through reaching out to others who can be helped in turbulent times that are filled with both great change and great opportunity.
It is time to make that crucial decision, to join your ship and set your course directly into the dawn of the emerging New Reality.
The single most powerful opportunity for spiritual advancement in 26,000 years is coming and it is just a month away!
In order to best prepare for the 2012 cosmic gateway which occurs on December 21st, we are running a 2012 Transformation course, starting on December 1st.
Prepare now to pass through the 2012 gateway in the best possible way. Join the many souls of like mind on this course who will be learning about the emerging new standard in spiritual growth. Tune in with the ascended masters who will be assisting us during this course to reach the new level of spiritual consciousness.”
While there may not be a verifiable “epidemic” of performance anxiety, many people are unhappy in their sexual lives because they worry that they are not doing it right. They feel inadequate and unsure of themselves, and somehow sex isn’t so much fun anymore. (note: we’re speaking here primarily of heterosexual sexuality, though the basic approach also applies to same-sex lovemaking)
In fact, while worrying about whether your sexual performance is satisfactory, meeting up with your lover for sex can come to seem like just another household chore, or perhaps some kind of final exam, which you could flunk!
This pervasive sense of doubt about your sexual performance has a further insidious effect: it makes your performance worse. When you are worrying about how you are doing, you’re not in the moment. You’re not enjoying your partner’s touch or the pleasures of touching him or her. The thoughts are whirring around in your head: will I keep my erection? Can I get turned on enough for him? Am I moving OK? What is he thinking about my body (OMG I’m fat)? Can I make him (her) come?
These thoughts are highly distressing, and distract you from the pleasures of the moment. Just a reminder: sex is (supposed to be) fun and pleasurable. Making love should be much more like play than work.Being a great lover does not depend upon hitting some kind of performance targets.
Part of what makes this so difficult is our cultural myopia about sexuality and making love. We partake of these cultural notions through osmosis, from media depictions of sexuality, overheard conversations and adolescent fantasies. Unfortunately, much of it is not accurate!
These cultural assumptions are simplistic, condensing the rich tapestry of adult sexual possibility to a few bullet points:
- Sex equals penis-in-vagina intercourse;
- This necessarily requires an erection for the male, and automatic lubrication for the female; and
- It doesn’t really count unless both partners experience an orgasm.
Note that each of these steps indicates an expectation for the targeted behavior: this is where performance anxiety begins. What if I can’t have sex because of pain? What if I can’t keep an erection? What if I can’t make my partner have an orgasm? What if I don’t have an orgasm?
This is a tangled web. These expectations lead to worry about performance, which degrades performance and stifles enjoyment, resulting in unhappy lovers who don’t feel good about themselves.
There’s a better way to find satisfying, enjoyable and exciting sex with your Beloved. It begins with an honest acknowledgement that things aren’t going well, and a strong affirmation that you want to work together to create a more satisfying sexual relationship.
Since these cultural expectations about sex have contributed to the performance anxiety, you’re going to need a new framework so you can explore and express your sexual desires together without going to the anxious place.
Rather than stress about whether you are achieving the “milestones” of erection/lubrication, intercourse and orgasm it changes everything if you limit your focus to the giving and receiving of pleasure. Pleasure is a sensory experience, denoted by sensations of deliciousness in taste; good feelings in the nerve endings that sense pleasurable touch; the sweetness of special smells; the experience of harmony or melodiousness in sounds; the perception of visual beauty.
Pleasure is what making love is about.
You don’t have to think about whether a particular sensation is pleasurable or not – you know it, in the bodily experience of a favorite food, sensual touch, a beloved song, an encounter with beauty. So it’s simply a matter of trusting your perceptions. If it feels good, it’s pleasurable. Our bodies are set up to perceive pleasure, with millions of specialized nerve endings devoted to this mission.
Making love consists primarily of giving and receiving pleasure – through word and gesture, through sound and sight and taste and touch. When you let go of the performance hurdles and deadlines and relax into playing together with pleasure, it is easy to relax into the moments which blur into timelessness.
But wait! What about orgasm/intercourse/getting off! I don’t want to miss anything!
Arousal, desire and direct sexual stimulation which may lead to the explosive pleasure of orgasm – all can be yours easily and directly, through this relaxed approach. Rather than straining to try to achieve orgasm, holding your breath and tensing all your muscles to try to make it happen, why not relax and allow your body to experience the natural progression of pleasure?
It takes practice to let go of a habitual anxious approach to sex. The desire for a quick fix is just another expression of performance anxiety, just another deadline you’re not going to make.
Optimal sexual experience occurs when partners care for each other, communicate about what they are doing together, and when they are relaxed. Relaxation is the foundation of healthy sex. Give yourself and your partner the gift of relaxing as you make love. Allow yourself to simply pay attention to and luxuriate in the pleasurable sensations you are experiencing, without attempting to go anywhere. Let delight wash over you; play with your partner, gently pleasuring him or her. Be curious and playful as you explore the erotic playground of your loving connection.
READ MORE Articles from David Yarian at Joy of Making Love
I met a pleasure based psychotherapist recently. When Janov’s Primal Therapy came along I seem to recall that he said that a therapist was a dealer in pain. So is therapy about pleasure or pain and trauma?
Nobody would go to a therapist to talk about how happy they were or what a great childhood they had; but it is one of the more interesting questions in therapy the extent to which we have to go in to past pain and trauma to clear it out. In our culture we have the “no pain, no gain” school of development. A deeply Puritan culture like the British is very suspicious of happiness. I can lead straight in to the arms of The Devil. In most therapies, both humanistic and analytic happiness could well be covering something up; even a manic defence against deep sadness. Of course this can be true but it is also true that many defences, particularly somatic ones, tend to block access to all deep emotions; pain as well as joy. This is simply because all strong emotions and body sensations are close together in their emotional anatomy and neurology. On a fairground roller-coaster the riders play with the edge between fear and excitement; screaming with fear as the car descends and then cuing up for another go! A father playing with a young child may throw them up in the air and catch them giving squeals of joy, excitement, fear overcome by return to safety. Deep sobbing and deep belly laughter are quite similar to observe from the outside. In the intense autonomic activation of orgasm, pleasure and crying can come together. Those in to BDSM are experts on the edge between pleasure and pain and how both can lead to altered states of consciousness.
Many therapies are very interested in trauma; particularly if that term is extended from single incident events such as an accident, or act of abuse or death of someone to include developmental trauma such as having a depressed mother when there would be many occasions when the required empathic attunement and care-giving weren’t there. In the past going into the pain was seen as the only way. Now with modern energy psychology methods such as AIT(www.aitherapy.org) that I practice this is known not to be necessary. Just naming the trauma and finding the location in the body is often enough to clear it.
So as we block pleasure and pain, when a client comes in for a session reporting that they feel good. Unless I am very suspicious of this, I will only want to move feeling good to feeling fantastic. There has been more attention recently to positive psychology and to the concept of Flow, (from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi); a state of being where we are not divided and distracted but fully engaged in life at that moment.
So while I will try as a therapist to stay fairly divided in my attention between pain and pleasure. I have a growing sense that working with pleasure and how to expand it and deepen it within our bodies and our neurology is a powerful way forward. This forms a large part of my book Tantric Psychotherapy that I am working on at the moment (see www.tantricpsychotherapy.com )
Martin is London based psychotherapist
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I have worked for nearly 30 years a psychotherapist and counsellor and supervisor. In private practice and in training courses, for a university and now for the police.
Freedom is the release of control…
I thought this was a beautiful add on to my tale Serenade of the Boogie Monster. This allows all to see both sides of the story as well as the transformational aspects that occurred and are still in process. As with everything in life the path to enlightenment and expansion is never ending. Each step we reveal new aspects of our self and we see those in our lives through our new eyes. Our lessons are put before us so that we may expand personally but also so that we may openly share and have empathy for our brothers and sisters. It has always been through story that we learn.
“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free
I as the husband in this story would like to share my side and also take the opportunity to explain what I have learned. Perhaps in doing so some of the regret I have will wash away. I am still doing the work of discovering my particular issues referred to in Kabbalah as Tekkun. I have had a sense of not being good enough, not worthy, a very common human trait. Kendal had a very special spiritual/sexual love connection with her first lover. They where to run away together and he disappeared and left her devastated. She quickly turned to me wounded. For me it was as if God had handed me an Angel. The life partner I had been dreaming about. I could not believe she had chosen to love me and I felt like I could rope the moon. Neither of us understood at the time how much of a needs based relationship it was. The problem is anytime we are getting our needs met by someone else, if they stop filling them there is a feeling of loss. We humans when we feel loss strive to get it back, to get that need filled. This is where control comes in, what once was free we need to take. We take through manipulation, guilt, fear and sometimes physical abuse. Looking back this happened very early on in our 18 marriage and it is still happening today as my desire to be close to her causes her to feel controlled. Back to the story. My needs and insecurities increased by the fact that I compared myself to her first lover. He was taller, had a bigger penis, a better connection energetically then we ever had. I tried to make up for it through performance, to fix it. I would get her to love me more by making more money, taking romantic trips, fucking her harder and deeper and lasting longer. None of this worked of course. I would fantasize about our friend having sex with her, the two of us having sex with her. His penis was bigger so maybe he could please her and I wanted her to be pleased yet this surfaced all my insecurities. I could see and feel the energy she had with him. I needed to be the one to please her. My need would not be met, or would it? She was not open enough to talk about it and it would have brought my negative ego control issues to the surface like an atomic bomb, so she lied. I knew she was lying.
“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existence is defined in terms of control.”
An absolute energetic relationship death. We continued on in this dead end disaster for 13 more years before her soul had had enough and she did what she had to do to heal herself and turned to Tantra, Kabbalah, her soul guide, and other men in a desperate attempt for freedom. I am sharing this in hopes that someone reading might be helped and get understanding. I want everyone to know how proud I am of her and how thankful I am that she had/has the courage to strive for soul integrity. She is and always will be my spiritual teacher. We can’t go back in time yet as I work on my healing I reflect on how different it could have been had I the courage 13 years ago to do the work on myself. To open up to Tantra as a spiritual path and also to polyamory. Looking back the only thing wrong with my fantasies is that I wasn’t emotionally or spiritually strong enough to handle it. It’s a matter of consciousness. I look around at relationships and can see and feel the pain these control issues are causing. I am looking forward to having many lovers as I continue to heal and grow my consciousness. I hope one day to be lovers with Kendal again knowing all the negativity that would have to be released because I would not want her to live out of soul integrity to fill my needs. I can desire her love open and free but I can not need it. Currently I still feel loss, needs unmet. There is much work to be done so here is my shout out to the world, stop the insanity. Do the hard work. It’s going to be really fucking hard and your demons will surface, but the world needs you to do it. Dive in the water is cold but you get used to it and it is why we are here. To heal, love openly, grow, expand love, expand ourselves.