“My pussy ached from desire. Throbbing sensations quaked through my muscles and into my joints. I could feel heat in my womb as my chest grew tighter. It had been far to long since I felt open, passionate, clear, confident and orgasmic. Every part of my body and soul longed for him or any one of my lovers to just take me. It seemed as though I was meeting resistance from the universe through each man and through myself. The more I hungered for the transformative waves to force me into orgasmic surrender the farther they seemed out of my grasp. The more I became determined to speak of my hunger, to send signals that I was wet with anticipation and desire, the more the men in my life seemed to turn away.
Lost in the illusions of depression, ego was at reign. There were far more important things to deal with then my physical neediness and hunger for bliss. After all, there were bills to pay, children to care for, and duties to tend to. This is what was needed. This is what I had to focus on. The masculine mind was ever present and with it came a discontent, disconnected vibration to life, to love, family, finance and any amount of abundance or joy. How could my desire for sex and the lack of filling it prevent me from experiencing happiness and abundance in other areas as well?
Feeling as though there was possibly no hope and that these sensations that I had approached and waded through at other low times of my life journey were only raising their head yet again because of some lesson that I had thought I had learned but obviously had not, I decided that my pleasure, my surrender was in no ones hands but my own. A deep dedication to self pleasuring began to happen. At the sight of any form of sexual tension I found myself whisked off to the shower or taking a fifteen minute time out in the bedroom or closet, trying to simply alleviate some of the pinned up energy. Each time I dove into a quick self pleasuring act I felt as though my clit and entire pussy were on fire, as though I had an active ready to blow any minute volcano between my legs. Finding it hard to remain present with myself, facing old programs of shame for touching myself, fear of getting caught I could not even bring myself to relish in a fantasy to increase my pleasure. I was simply jacking off as quickly as I could. Not surrendering to my desire and certainly not allowing myself to fully be penetrated by love or life. Each 5 to 10 minute masturbation excursion left me even more lost, distant, depressed and hungry for connection and ravishing.
The thing I knew but was ignoring was the simple fact that I was not only malnourished in the act of sexing, but I was depleted from the energy of the deep connection that a gourmet session of sex would give. I was lacking in the life giving nutrients of the positive mood enhancers that orgasm would provide. In my inability to surrender even to myself I had also slammed shut the door to my lovers, making it physically impossible for me to go deep enough in any sex act offered. The need to be taken was me wanting to give credit or push blame on someone else instead of being proactive and realizing that even in the physical connection process of making love it was up to ONLY me to be open, expansive and happy. My being taken started by my releasing into the now. By making my sex conscious and staying present with my body and with my partner I could then accept the pleasure and the release that would come from it. Only through this consciousness could I embrace life so strongly that it would use my lovers body to fuck me wide open.
It was with this realization that opportunity was given for me to open up to trust and to orgasm. My desire was not for sex, it was not for release or climax it was only for penetration. To me to be taken meant that I surrendered to life through my lover. There we were snuggled in bed as though it were any other winter night. All these thoughts dancing through my mind wanting to be vocalized, my heart wanting to be penetrated, to be circumcised. I could hear the call of my pussy begging my hands to reach out and touch him, to encourage the game to begin. My mouth watered and even though we had been lovers for some time and he knew me passionately and intimately to my core I felt a tremble of fear that he would deny me my desire. The unspoken words must have been heavy in the air because without hesitation his hand slipped over my naked hip and across my stomach. His fingers danced on the seat of my clit, slowly pulling its hood back so that he could access “the spot.” His hand warm to the touch washed over my vulva, a finger plowing deep into my wetness. I could feel butterflies fluttering from pussy to heart as I leaned into him and gasped for a breath before allowing his tongue to plunge deep into my mouth.
His fingers knew exactly how to play me and with each kiss I felt my body soften. Spreading my legs for him as though I was opening the gates to a great coliseum and he was the gladiator. His fingers stroking not only my clit anymore but now curving upward with each internal stroke, I could feel my G-spot expand as well as my sponge fill. The time had come, he pressed his hard throbbing cock deep into me. He did not stop to ask, he did not pause at my velvet gates, he just lovingly and forcefully took us both to the next level. His clear direction and focus lead his cock to my outer walls. I desperately wanted to feel him yet deeper in me. I wanted him to fuck my heart. Consciously I lay there beneath him, our bodies swaying in harmony, my pussy tightening and sucking on him with each focused muscle spasm. My desire growing to be fucked wide open in this moment, I knew there was only one way to achieve my desire and pull him deeper. My consciousness became focused on opening the door he was knocking on. With each gentle nudge of his penis head on my cervix I breathed and relaxed, I visualized embracing him like I had not done before. Slowly I felt the pressure release into emotion and heart pounding bliss. It was as if there were a penetration happening within a penetration. The surrender was expansive and I could feel him penetrate my core, my heart, my soul. Tears welled up in my eyes as my heart shook in orgasm.
Life was knocking at my womb.”
The experience of craving sexual release and to be penetrated like this is nothing new or even unique for most women. It is a well documented fact that women in all actuality are the more sexual half of humankind. Women have the drive and are built for long interludes of sexing. Our bodies are a designer highway that rely on the transport of orgasm to keep our psychological, physiological, spiritual and emotional bodies in an optimum state. An underf**ked woman is a woman who is a fragile shell of herself. She is a woman who is full of emotion, and desire but cannot communicate these things in a strong feminine way without appearing hormonal and out of balance, depressed, co-dependent, fearful, hateful, stressed, caught in her mind and simple dreary. The other aspect of a woman who is not properly f**ked is that she is not allowing for her divine state of being a woman to guide her, her intuition is out of harmony and she distrusts almost everything. Feeling the entire time that she HAS to control her environment and that she will not be cared for in life.
There are many things that can contribute to a woman closing herself to the raptures of orgasm and some of them are things that need medical attention may that be chiropractic or actual surgery to help repair tears or nerves that have been damaged due to a multitude of things such as rape, child birth, or other physically impacting issues and/or accidents. As Naomi Wolf states in her new book Vagina, ” … recent science has found that the vagina’s experiences can – on the level of biology – boost women’s self-confidence, or else can lead to failures of self-confidence; can help unleash female creativity or present blocks to female creativity. These experiences can contribute to a woman’s sense of the joyful interconnectedness of the material and spiritual world – or else to her grieving awareness of the loss of the sense of interconectedness… the latter can lead not only to a decrease in her desire for sex, but also risk a tincture in the rest of her life of what can only be called “existential depression” or “despair.”
How can the vagina and orgasm play such a BIG role in all areas of a woman’s life and well-being? And if this is fact then how can we as a society remain in a prehistoric viewpoint of the vagina with limited terms? The autonomic nervous system prepares the way for the neural impulses that travel from a woman’s vagina, clitoris and labia to her brain and it is this intricate system that regulates her responses creating stimulation and relaxation. Yet we treat the pussy as though it were a cock. We view it in pornographic light and expect that a woman will and should respond in similar fashion as a man does. Only through the focused, slow opening can a woman become comfortable with surrendering in the fashion we are speaking of here. We are told that there are skills that lovers can learn so that they can play a woman’s body like a fine musical instrument, we are taught to focus not on “real orgasm” but on climax, and how many climaxes the lover “CAN GIVE” her. These are all misinformed notions of female sexuality and orgasm. Because we are not taught the art of truly touching a woman deeply, the majority of women’s activation centers are ignored and even when she has sex with her partner or herself she may experience climax, but often will not reap the rewards of real orgasm and certainly not experience the rapture and release necessary to be transported into the heavens where interconnectedness with God happens. She will not be able to be fulfilled and truly be f**ked open by life and love thus only experiencing a superficial aspect of herself, orgasm and connectedness. Leaving her vessel depleted and her heart and pussy locked away in devastation and hope. When a woman is f**ked wide open to the levels that are possible for ALL women and is our birth right and divine design, then she becomes an expression of beauty, joy, grace, strength, creativity and confidence.
” It’s not about the love, it’s about the expectation of sex.”
Today is the day of love. Today men across the world are standing in obnoxious lines with bundles of over prices roses and chocolates in their arms. They are feeling the pressure of society as well as the hope and expectation to “show” their love from the woman of their obsession. Today, woman across the world are doing their daily shopping and adding in a small box of condoms, as women know that with the gifts of love that has cost their gents possibly a whole pay check or more they will be expected to return the favor of love and show their love and gratitude through the affection of sex.
So here is the issue with how we perceive love and relationship.
Yes I know right about now many who read this musing are wondering how can someone such as myself who preaches and teaches about love, romance, courting and sex be so damn anti-Valentine’s Day.
There are simple issues with this Hallmark day of Love.
The first but not the least is that it is an abusive day for those who are single. Every where you go from late January to mid February you are bombarded with the constant reminder that if you do not have a valentine then there is most likely something wrong with you. We are told from a young age that this day is about showing love and more importantly about showing off that we are loved or that we have someone ”special.” When in all reality the majority of people who are out there buying up flowers, wine, chocolate and dinner reservations as well as jewelry are ONLY doing so because of the pressure they feel NOT because of the love that they share.Which leads me to the second BIG time issue I have with Valentines. It is a day where those who are in a relationship are held to expectations that are frequently over the top for many. Valentines is a day of keeping up with the Jones in our private lives. It effects us all and most of the time not in the positive way we hope for. Both sides in the relationship feel an un-needed stress to make something extravagant occur on this day. After all it needs to top last year, or make our lover really know that we cherish and love them. All the better if we can make it a big time event where our friends or family will be amazed. We have to make sure that it is facebook or instagram worthy after all. Which brings us to the third issue with this day of love. All I can say is thank heavens that Valentines day happens in mid February as that does help off set some peoples purchases, because after making it through Christmas and News Years those who get a tax refund need to get it cranked out ASAP so that they can afford the Valentine experience. So often people over spend and business knows that the stress of making a loved one feel your love is something that almost everyone is craving and will certainly pay for, so as the heart balloons raise in the air and the roses adorn the walkways of all our local shopping areas, we can also watch the price tags for these items increase and see the signs of extra marketing happening. After all “every kiss begin’s with …. yep a diamond.” These big purchases funnel us right into the next issue of valentines day, that being that with the pressure to purchase items we also feel the pressure to push our relationships prematurely. We may want to really make our love known and what better day to propose then on the day of love itself. These premature advances in relationship can lead to more trouble and heart ache then we could ever realize. Do to these premature advances we may also deal with premature break ups and the onset of massive depression over taking us at this time of the year. The once ” In a Relationship” status can quickly go to the hope of ” Engaged” and the destitution of “Single.”
The focus of Valentines Day is not on love. It is on gift giving and receiving. It is about expectation and the belief that we can “make” someone love us or feel loved by us. It is in all actuality a very sad day for many who walk this earth and have to bare the media and marketing for many of the reasons I list above and for those who have been “blessed” with a Valentine who makes their love known through extravagant purchases and heart felt promises and courting gestures, it is often a day where they find themselves living out of integrity and feeling the pressure to act and do things that they are not in alignment with for that moment. Some may wonder what I mean by this statement, simply that love is not always shown through gift giving. We all have our primary love styles or languages that help us feel loved. Gifts are always wonderful, but often come with an attachment to the givers needs. Weather the giver is aware of their agenda or not, the receiver is most likely going to feel the pressure and guilt if they are not feeling like doing what they “think” the expectation is that comes with the gift. But, after all it is Valentines Day and he did go through all of this trouble to say, “I love you.” So what the heck grab a box of condoms at the store and make some yummie moans and grunts, get down and dirty and know that more then likely it will all be over in less then 10 minutes. As cruel as this may seem, the facts are there. Love cannot be forced to be felt, and it sure the heck cannot be forced through gift giving. Love is not need based and does not come with attachments and anyone who is truly in love will know that their partner(s) are not expecting any sort of crazy gift on a media induced holiday.
Show your love not through societal norms but through the true longing for deeper intimacy and sacred loving. Show your love through the giving of real love, love that knows that it is to be shared and released every day of a relationship not just on a few occasions in the year. Give your love unconditionally and without any agenda. A man or woman who can open to the power of this sort of love that is NOT need based will reap far more then the pressured few moments of sexual release or blinged out presents.
Love that is open and flowing, unconditional and fully expressed in each moment is love that can endure and expand. Through this sacred loving one can experience deep intimacy that carries with it vibrant life and yes life changing orgasm.
After being in a nine-year committed relationship with someone who was painfully avoidant I have learned to spot the patterns of avoidance in my clients and the couples with whom I work with a keen eye. I see it come up even in the people who apply to my programs or reach out to me in the ways they do not show up for calls or respond when I take their application seriously and they may have had something else come up. I prefer the direct approach. Just tell me “no.” I have great respect for women who can stand firmly in their knowing and in their “no.” But usually, people avoid saying “no” because they think it will hurt the other person.
Avoidant people almost always manage to partner with someone who is the opposite of avoidant. Avoidance will generally mean that you will not get your needs met or feel seen and heard in a relationship, because it ultimately will require others to read your mind or figure out what is going on without you telling them. That puts a lot of responsibility on others for you getting your needs met. And they might not see what you need them to see.This is a set-up for all involved.
People develop patterns of avoidance for a whole variety of reasons.
Avoidance comes from:
- Protection from abuse. An emotionally overbearing or violent parent/home situation that you need to protect yourself from.
- Insecurity. Deep insecurity that tells you if you make yourself really small, no one will notice you and you’ll skate under the radar (again, to “safety”).
- Communication ability. You didn’t learn communication skills that would have you learn how to ask for what you need and want in a healthy way.
- Unmet needs. Not getting your needs met and feeling you perpetually will not get them met; so you cease asking, which turns into avoiding asking because the “no” you got over and over was so painful.
- Gender role conditioning. Gender roles that teach men to dodge and not directly address feelings. Gender roles that teach women they should take care of everyone else and forsake their own needs.
- Role modeling. You were taught not to complain, “rock the boat,” or make demands; and at least one of your parents is also avoidant and modeled that behavior for you.
Typically, a truly avoidant person will have several of these. For instance, you could have a violent father and an avoidant mother and your needs rarely got met. “No” was a mantra in your family. Or you had traditional gender roles in your family and your mother was care-taker to everyone and didn’t get her needs met so you learned that too, and maybe she was also incredibly insecure; and you took on the same insecurity and need to care-take everyone else so that you could feel worthy of even having a seat at the table.
Avoidance in Adult Relationships
You learned your avoidance patterns in an honest way in a home life where you had unmet needs, felt unseen or uncared for, or were conditioned not to rock the boat. Is that serving you in your adult relationships? I think it’s rare that consistent avoidance is healthy.
Avoidance can be healthy as a survival technique. It helps you get out of harm’s way. As a way of being in adult relationships it will land you in unhealthy dynamics, with unmet needs and increasing resentment.
How Avoidance Shows Up
There are so many ways avoidance shows up in relationships. Here are some common ways it can show up in a romantic/sexual relationship and typical alternative behaviors:
- Not setting boundaries and then passive-aggressively expressing them another way. (Or not at all, resulting in a build-up of frustration and resentment.)
- Not wanting to have sex but being afraid to say it so you do things to sabotage sex rather than just to talk about it openly knowing your “yes” and your “no” will both be heard and respected.
- Wanting sex but not asking for it directly, so you find indirect or passive-aggressive ways to get your sexual needs met.
- Wanting a different kind of sex, stimulation, touch, or emotional presence from your partner without being able to ask for it, resulting in disappointment and frustration.
- Not feeling like you can set limits or help direct the pace of sexual interactions, exploration, or terrain.
- Not knowing how to break-up when you are ready so you sabotage the relationship in other ways or stay in it way too long.
- Doing things you really are not into just to make your partner happy.
- Keeping yourself, your needs, your wants and your demands small, if not invisible, which completely disempowers you in a relationship.
If you recognize these avoidant patterns in yourself, it’s time to change them. It is not a simple task because you probably have a life-long pattern to overcome. But it is absolutely possible. I’ve watched women transform how they show up in relationships by addressing their avoidance, people-pleasing, passive-aggression and inability to communicate. Should you answer the call to take up more space, make more demands, and know that you have that right, it will absolutely change your life and your relationships. You will be able to fulfill your own desires and find people who are with you in that fulfillment.Avoidance will never equal fulfillment.
Article By Amy JoGoddard
“When the library of yourselves was torn from the shelves and scattered, and the DNA was split so that there were only two strands left with very little data and very little memory, sexuality was left intact in the physical body. It was left as a form of reproduction, of course—as a form for the species to stay in touch with its own essence and bring itself into life. Very deep inside the mechanism of sexuality is a frequency that can be attained that has been sought after and misunderstood by many people. It is called orgasm. The orgasm has been distorted from its original purpose. Your body has forgotten the cosmic orgasm of which it is capable because society has taught you for thousands and thousands of years that sexuality is bad. You have been taught this in order for you to be controlled and to keep you from seeking the freedom available through sexuality. Sexuality connects you with a frequency of ecstasy, which connects you back to your divine source and to information. Sexuality has been given a bad name upon this planet, and that bad name is stored in your cellular memory. This is not just from this lifetime; it is from thousands of years of misappropriation and misuse. It is necessary for you to clear the negativity surrounding sexuality from this lifetime, as well as to experience and examine how you utilize sexual energy and sexual expression in your multidimensional selves. The sexual parts of the body are avenues to pleasure that create frequencies that heal and stimulate the body and potentially lead it to its higher spiritual self. Sexuality is so misunderstood on this planet that, when it is exchanged between two persons, very seldom is there an intent to connect spirituality with it. Sexuality invokes a spirituality that is free and that looks at itself as a creator. However, very seldom is sexuality used as a bridge to take you to higher levels of consciousness.
We have spoken with a number of individuals who have been utilizing light. Since finding the proper partner in a monogamous situation, they have been able to achieve very high states of being. Monogamy tends to work for most of you very well because of where you are vibrationally. When you have many partners, you tend to be less than honest and to hide who you are: you share a little here, there, and everywhere in scattering your seed. It is best to be with one person, but this does not mean the same person forever. Be loyal, be open, and be sharing with the person you are working with, and go as far as you can with them. If it happens to be your whole life, wonderful. If it doesn’t, then when you come to a place where you are no longer communicating and serving one another, and you feel the relationship is not going to be able to make a leap, terminate the relationship and find another person who works with your vibration.
When you work one-on-one intimately, you develop trust. Most of you have difficulty trusting yourselves because you don’t have a role model for trust. You can learn about trust in a relationship because a relationship acts as a mirror for you, showing you what you cannot see from your own viewpoint. It shows you yourself outside of yourself when you have open communication within sexuality and deep intimacy, and when you are not using sexuality as a distraction for getting close. Many of you have used sexuality as a distraction and a way to avoid intimacy rather than to develop it. You begin to get energetic and to look into one another’s eyes and to feel all hot and excited. Then, instead of exploring each other intimately and spiritually, you shut down your feeling centers, put on your armor, and have shallow, genital sex because it is too frightening and too intense to go the deeper route of full body and full spiritual connection. Sometimes hot sex feels great and is wonderful. We are simply saying that there is more. There is much more, and no one is keeping it from you except yourselves and the beliefs and fear you have of letting down your boundaries and walls. Many of the fears you have are based on what you have created for yourselves and what you have done to others in your sexual life. Your sexual history affects every other portion of your soul, so all of your soul’s issues are broadcast loud and clear throughout your body. You don’t want to look at this sometimes because it is too painful, and you judge it because you think it is bad. Stop judging, and get neutral about what you have done—no matter what you discover, no matter how heinous it seems, no matter how difficult it seems, and no matter how much violation it involves. Understand that your purpose has been to gather data and to understand your selves. Sexuality is a frequency. It represents what was not taken away from you even though your history, your memories, and your identity were removed and scattered. The way you were left intact with the ability to discover who you were was through the sexual experience. Of course, you were never taught this. We are going to do some church bashing here. So sorry for anyone who is a member of the churches. The churches came about as organizations—businesses to control religion and spiritual development and to create jobs, to create a hierarchy, and to create a club. Very few churches came about with the idea of bringing information to people. You don’t usually think of religion as something that keeps you informed, do you? Any religion that brings information is a religion operating on the vibration of truth. Spiritual realms are places of existence that the human body is locked away from. Because sexuality was an opportunity for human beings to regain their memory, or to connect with their spiritual selves and spiritual creator, or to find an avenue to the spiritual realm that you are sealed off from, the churches came about and promoted sexuality for procreation. They taught you that the only reason you had sexuality was to produce little humans. Sexuality was promoted as something very bad. Women were told that sexuality was something they had to undergo to serve men and that they had no control over the birthing process. Women believed this; hence, to this day, you believe in general that you have no control over that portion of your body. You must realize that only you decide whether you are going to birth a child or not. This is not such a complicated thing as you have been told. Decision and intention are what bring the experience to your being. You can control whether you have a baby or not. If woman had had this ability for the last several thousand years, and if she had been able to explore her sexual self without fear of having a child, perhaps men and women would have discovered that they were much freer than they had been told they were. The discovery of the highest frequency of sexuality arises from the love experience. It has nothing to do with relationships being either homosexual or heterosexual. It has to do with two human beings bringing pleasure to one another in a way that opens frequencies of consciousness. You have bought many ideas about what is proper and what is improper within sexual expression.
Love is the essence that is to be created in all relationships. If you love and honor someone, it doesn’t matter what your composition of density is. What matters is the love vibration and how you explore this love, which ideally is gifted and coupled with the integration of the male and the female counterparts that make the twin flame.
Ideally, sexuality is explored through feelings. The third and fourth chakras connect you to the emotional and compassionate selves, which connect you to the spiritual self. The spiritual self is the part of yourself that is multidimensional through which you exist in many forms simultaneously. It is your assignment and agreement and task to be aware of all these realities in the identity that you are. When you are aware, you can tune into the different frequencies, remember who you are, and change the vibratory rate of this universe. We love to talk about sexuality because it is so mysterious upon this planet. Certain mystery schools have held some of the knowledge about the potential uses of sexuality in secrecy. You are electromagnetic creatures, and when you come together physically with another human creature, you bond your electromagnetic frequencies together. When your frequencies are attuned and joined by a love frequency, incredible things can occur. Thousands of years ago, when society had more of a matriarchal view in certain areas of the planet, Goddess energy was coming through and working with certain individuals. The female understood her power, her intuition, her feeling center, her connection, and her desire to create life. She also understood that she never had to conceive a child if it was not her intention to do so.
In order for the patriarchal society to come full circle and prepare Earth for this shift in consciousness, female energy needed to take a back seat. So female power, energy, and understanding of sexuality were suppressed. In modern times—the past two thousand years—it came to be upon the planet that women believed they had no control over when they could have children, that sexuality was deemed bad and disgusting, and that sex was taught to be performed only within the rights of marriages and so on. All of this was a marketing program.
Some of the present-day marketing programs to create an even greater fear of sexuality and its expression are the new diseases: AIDS, herpes, and all the other things. You read about these things in your newspapers and become frightened of your own expression, frightened of your own intuition, and frightened of your own joy. Do you understand? Before DNA was rearranged, the way many people reached the higher realms and were able to climb the ladders of themselves and reach into off-planet frequencies was by electromagnetically bonding through love. They created a rocketship-like experience to propel them out into other systems of reality. This has been one of the best-kept secrets upon the planet. Many we have spoken to have had absolutely profound experiences with their sexuality. We would like to point out again that we are not making distinctions or judgments about who you happen to bond with in a relationship, and we suggest that you give up that judgment as well. It is old programming. It does not matter whether you bond with a member of the opposite sex or a member of your own sex. We are talking about two humans coming together by physically joining themselves in whatever ways are appropriate for them to join and create love, because they are sharing love. When integrity and love are missing from a joining of human bodies, that is when human beings do not think well of their experience. This can create all kinds of damaging results within the physical body. You were left with the frequency of the orgasmic experience in sexuality so that you could remember your higher identity. When this energy or history of yourself is revealed and you discover who you are, you will unite many bodies of your personal multidimensional identity in your physical form. To receive the full impact of the gridwork of your identity, let the twelve helixes fit in your body and allow the light-encoded filaments to rearrange themselves. This process has to do with the mental body, which is of course connected to the physical body. The emotional body, which is connected to the spiritual body, is the body that everybody wants to skip. You say, “I want to evolve. I want a rapid acceleration, but I do not want to go through the feeling center to do it.” You are connected to your multidimensional selves through your feelings, and it is in your feelings that you primarily get stuck. Accept that your “stuff” comes up for a reason. Many of you would like to bury your “stuff” and throw it out in the trash as if it is something ugly and not who you are. This “stuff” is the shadow portion of your identity that you don’t like to deal with or accept. We understand that sometimes, when something comes up, you label it and say, “I hate this part of myself. I want to just finish it and sweep it under the rug and forget it. I’m finished with this stuff.” Guess what. Your “stuff”—your issues—are the treasures of your life. They are how you learn. You have agreed to mutate, to pull light into your body, and to birth the family of light on this planet. Since light is information, you must deal with all of the things you have hidden from yourself. Sexuality is the primary issue because it is the secret self—the self you hide from. Society has said to you, “This is good. This is bad. You are to do this. You are not to do this.” Who gave you these laws? Who gave you any of your laws to begin with? You have been stuck because you can’t read the symbols of the language you are speaking to yourselves. So you dwell upon it. Many of you love your stories because they get you attention. If you didn’t have a story, who would talk to you? Observe your body and see what it is teaching the self. Ideally, you will heal the sore and create a place of greater comfort and joy as you learn to dwell more completely in your physical body and have a new identity of your sexuality.
Sexuality is a key. It is a doorway to the higher realms of consciousness. As you redefine yourselves, and the light-encoded filaments give you a new definition of yourselves, you are going to change who you are sexually as well. Sexuality must come up for all of you, and, we will say from experience, it is the area that you are most frightened of at this time. We guarantee there will be more frightening areas later. If you are stuck on the idea of love and cannot comprehend what is going on with it, your difficulty is that you are looking for love outside yourself. You are looking for somebody else to put meaning in your life and validate you. If you do not have that person, you become angry or feel you are worthless. This is a pattern you grew up with, which your parents and your society showed you. We have said over and over again that the most important thing you can do is love yourself and honor Earth. But you keep forgetting this and looking for the next relationship to make you whole or complete. You feel that without a relationship you are perhaps less than an acceptable citizen. Then you feel lonely. You must learn how to be alone. Loneliness is simply a state of mind. You are never, never alone. You have multitudes of entities around you. If you would stop feeling sorry for yourselves, you would find that there is so much data constantly being blasted at you that you may want to be alone so you can have a good time receiving the contact. When you love yourself and stop getting convoluted about the need to have someone else love you, you are able to accept what someone offers. It is imperative that you value yourself so that you do not settle for a love disguised. If you decide to go for a partner or to vibrate with someone, and you do not receive what you want, do not whine or nag or pout about the person to make them change according to your needs. If you set a value for yourself and do not create it, then simply change your reality and continue onward alone until you meet someone who reflects your value. All the while, vibrate in the love of the self, honor the self, and understand that the journey here is about self discovery in relationship to others. It is not just about husbands or wives. The journey here is about honoring your physical body and the uniqueness of the self as you touch the lives of many. Always allow yourself to work with the self and let the self evolve. You are all afraid of being intimate with yourselves—of being alone with the self. Once you develop an intimacy, a silence, a self-love, and a containment of your energy, then you will want to make that aspect of intimacy your standard for intimacy with someone else.
Sexuality can be very confusing at this time because you are raising and studying your frequencies. When you join bodies, even when you hug one another, you exchange frequency. When you have a sexual experience, there is a hormonal release inside the body. The hormones awaken certain energies inside the cells, and there is a transference of one person’s essence onto the other person. That is why when you have had sexual experiences with someone you sometimes cannot get their energy off you. Even though you don’t want to be with the person, the sexual experience stays with you because you have had an electromagnetic exchange. You are going through this frequency modulation and learning how to raise your frequency to a place of consistent information, self-love, and self-intimacy. Therefore, it can seem very confusing and sometimes frightening to take this vulnerable thing you are learning about yourself and layer up and merge with another. The more you become aware, the more you take charge of how you use your body, where you plug it in, where you sit it down, and certainly who you mix it with sexually.
If expressing yourself sexually now encouraged your greatest growth, you would automatically create that experience for yourself because you would be ready for it. Understand that, during the process of evolving the self, very often a period of dormancy in sexual activity occurs. Within the sexual frequency, you exchange with one another. So if you are bonding yourself and chemically exchanging with a person who is not of your likeness, you are taking on their garbage because you are exchanging energy quite intimately. Sometimes you will be led away from that kind of exchange. You may think, “Oh, my goodness, what is happening? Am I turning old? Am I drying up? What is going on?” That is not the case. You can learn to use the energy that would stimulate you sexually without giving it over to another person. Instead of getting chaotic and crazy, you may explore that energy by practicing the art of masturbation, knowing that it is perfectly legitimate and fine to do it. Or, you may want to simply observe that you feel a sexual arousal and decide what you are going to do with it. You may say, “Well, I’m not going to act on this now. Let’s see where this energy goes.” Take the energy, let it rise through your body, and use it in other areas. You will get to a point when you must adore, sustain, and love yourself as if you are holding yourself like a newborn babe in your own arms, knowing you will do the best for yourself. Many of you distract yourselves. Find the place of serenity and silence in which you can find answers. You cannot find answers by dialing the telephone all day long and asking everyone else for them. If you attempt to, you are demonstrating that you are looking outside of yourself. When you learn how to turn within to find answers, the self will speak. Usually you cannot hear because you are locked in behavioral patterns that you know you have to change but that you don’t want to change because you don’t know who you will be. In all honesty, you are afraid of yourselves. This is a very common thing. You are afraid you will not be complete, and you want to be complete very much. So you say, “I am complete. I am sovereign. I need someone else. I am attracted to someone. Oh, no, I cannot look. I am too frightened of that. I don’t need anyone. I do need someone.” You go back and forth. Learn to still your mind. Learn to become completely in charge of your energy. What does that mean? It means that wherever you are, you observe yourself—how your body is positioned, how you are using your hands, whether you are repeating yourself over and over again, whether you are speaking or silent. Learn to watch yourself with no judgment. Learn to watch and self correct by determining how you would like to be versus how you are. Learn to quiet your mind. Frequency is carried from you to another person particularly if there is a love bonding. A love bonding does not mean that you are going to cleave to one another forever. It simply means that you are in a relationship for however long you deem that relationship appropriate in that you honor one another and exchange energies and let the energies flow as if through open circuitry. When you do not love another and you are not bonded, there is no exchange; the circuitry does not open. It does not mean that you cannot have good sex; it simply means that the circuitry is not open. As this electrical current is raised higher and higher, there are greater heights of orgasmic experience that the human body can receive because the nervous system is able to handle the higher ecstatic frequencies. The nervous system will determine how you express yourself and how you feel. If you have a poorly evolved nervous system, your sexual experience will be very limited because the nervous system conducts the electrical current. The orgasmic experience brings about a healing and realignment of the physical body.
Eventually, you will not be able to get close to or be with someone who is not operating at the same voltage you are. You simply will not fit. It would be like putting a size nine foot into a size two shoe. It won’t work or be comfortable. You won’t fit because you won’t be able to merge vibrationally. You will eventually understand the importance of vibrational nourishment as you begin to link sexually. Linking sexually is only one way of merging with people who are moving at the same or a compatible voltage rate. Your reality is very interesting to us because you have so many clues in your waking world. When you go to a foreign country, your electrical appliances do not plug in. They don’t fit, so you need an adapter. It would be stressful if you had to continuously adapt to a vibration when you were involved intimately in a sexual relationship. It would be too much effort. You would spend all your energy creating the adaptive mechanisms. Then you would be in denial and not give yourself permission to go further because you would lower the ceiling.
The sixties marked the opening of sexual exploration. In an instant, the paradigm shifted. Much of the energy that was on the planet at that time, coupled with the experimental ingestion of different mind-altering substances, immediately made a new paradigm and split you from previous generations. The boundaries were instantly changed. You were split from a generation that believed in war and did not feel—a generation whose sexual expression was done in the dark, perhaps with many clothes on. You broke the paradigm wide open in many ways, and you set new trends and created new ways of being. It was wonderful. “Oh, goodness, free sex and love and bodies showing!” you said. Now it is time for a whole new revolution through which you will become vibrationally hooked to a person. There will be no more distractions of sexuality and no more pretending that you are without hang-ups—that you are sexually liberated because you can be in this position and that position and say this and do that. That is simply body aerobics in the area of sexuality. We want you to get into the aerobics and contortions of the soul—the vibration. The depth of two people coming together and linking in this capacity is what you all crave. If you are frightened of it, it is because you don’t have a framework or role model for it. You must design one. You must trust that somehow the energy in the design of the cosmic blueprint will instantly bring about a new movement based on the desire for this next step of understanding yourselves. You will remember with great clarity your expressions of sexuality in your different manipulations through reality—when you have been both men and women and explored sexuality in every aspect. It takes courage to do this. If there is one area in which you really judge yourselves, and in which the planet does great judging, it is sex. You have had some definite ideas about what is sexually proper and improper. So, many of you may be shocked to remember what you have done with your sexuality. Understand that, on this planet, sexuality has always been the body’s link to its higher frequency. Even though much of the data was scattered and disassembled in the body, this potential to create life remained for you to completely understand who you are at the base of your being and at the core of who you are. Sexual vibration has been your link with your cosmic identity, but this whole concept has been completely misunderstood and lost. We are simply saying that there is a bigger story and that it is much more exciting than anyone has dared to believe. There were those who did not want you to be in tune with these frequencies because the sexual frequencies could have taken you to areas of liberation where you would have begun to figure things out. Sexuality was left as a frequency for you to ride through the nervous system and connect with the higher mind by going out of your body. If you had been told that this was the route out, who could have controlled or manipulated you? The population must clear the negative connotations and judgments that have colored your sexual experience for eons. You must make peace with sex in order to integrate the frequencies and identity. Things have been manipulated and given a boundary of limitation so that the truth of sexuality has been kept from you. You have been told that you can procreate with it and have orgasms, but you have not been told that you can open frequencies with it. You can come into contact and use it as a method of remembering who you are and altering the vibrational frequency of your body. In the next few years, your expression of sexuality will have a whole new dimension. You will evolve and grow, provided that you have a partner who is willing to take the same route and to be that open. But if you are with someone who wants to play the avoidance game or the game of denial, you will not get there.”
- via Barbara Marciniak, from the book “Bringers of the Dawn”
In the heart of the divorce boom (starting in the ‘60s, peaking in the ‘70s) a generation of women ended up parenting (mostly) solo, and a generation of boys ended up being raised (mostly) without a positive father figure, if they had one at all.
Maybe it was partially a reaction to “women’s lib” that led men to feel less-than-needed. And maybe it was the grey flannel rebellion, personified by the whining tone of the dissatisfaction of the Playboy Men of the ‘50s, that led women to feel fed up enough to stand up and say, “To hell with this!”
How far back this winding battle for self-actualization as war-of-the-sexes goes is a question that can’t be answered. But irrefutably, while entirely necessary, the attempt towards a leveling of the playing field has resulted in some serious casualties.
In the absence of a paternal figure, an inadvertent, angry, faux matriarchy emerged; one that was bound by the confines of the walls of the home, because outside of the home all the old rules still applied.
But in the home, woman ruled. Boys (and girls) grew up with women, angry women, women who were (righteously) angry at men, as the alpha and omega of their young lives. The mother became the sole ruler of the world that is childhood.
A generation of men really did fuck up. They left, fucked around, used women and dumped them. Fathers bailed, leaving an abscess as often as an absence.
And the absence of men, of good men, of real men, of responsible men, left a nasty taste not only in the mouths of overwhelmed mothers, but of boys raised in a world of righteously angry women.
This group of boys would grow into men. Men who still had a bad taste in their mouths. A bad taste about men. Which is hard to live with; especially if you’re a man.
For these reasons and more, a generation (or three) of sensitive and careful men have had to struggle to reclaim their man-parts. And the women of that same generation have had to cultivate the ability to trust men who, themselves, don’t trust men.
The struggle goes on.
As women have defined and redefined feminism, femininity, the feminine, men have seemingly struggled to keep their heads above water in the shifting tides of what it means to find equality. We’ve all had to learn that equal does not mean the same, that sharing responsibility and control means both men and women can be strong and vulnerable, and that there are things – some perhaps genetic, but most almost certainly social conditioning – that women want, and things that men need to step up to.
Vive la différence!
These desired things have come as a surprise to a generation of women who were raised with slogans like, “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle” batted around. But under the stratum of fear and distrust lies a substrata of desire.
A desire to be desired. A desire to be seduced. A desire to be taken care of. A desire to be matched and met. And, most surprisingly, a desire to be stood up to, while being stood up with and stood up for.
The Lost Art of Strength
Women want strong men. I’m not talking about a man who can bench press their own weight, I’m talking about men who are not afraid to say yes, and not afraid to say no. I’m talking about men who aren’t afraid to take control of the wheel when the boat is drifting off course.
Strength comes in many forms. And the kind of strength a woman is looking for in a man is rarely, if ever, showy or flashy. That sort of display is more often insecurity masquerading as strength. Yet, most women aren’t looking for the “strong, silent type,” either.
There’s a ground between aloof and overbearing. That’s where most women want to see a man standing. Better yet, it’s where she wants to see a man walking toward her from.
Women are tired of men who are scared to be men. They’re tired of playing mommy.
When a woman says, “You decide!”, she’s most likely not trying to trick a guy. She’s requesting that he make the decision at hand. Too often men of generations X and Y (and some late boomers) would rather say, “No honey, it’s okay. You decide.” In many cases this dynamic leads to the woman feeling like she needs to take responsibility for everything, and the man feeling disempowered. So if you’re a man, next time a woman says, “No, really, you decide!” just do it.
Once a guy gets the hang of that, he may even graduate to the level of being able to take the reins without first receiving permission.
That’s the lost art of strength.
The Lost Art of Chivalry
There was a time not long ago that a man opening a door for a woman may have been met with scorn. For most of us, those days are over.
News flash; it’s safe to offer to pay the check. Offer to take her coat for her. Offer to walk her to her car – not to cash in on a kiss, but just to make sure she’s safe. The kiss may just come naturally as an expression of gratitude.
Furthermore, a man shouldn’t feel afraid to protect a woman’s honor. There’s nothing as sexy as a man speaking up to defend a girl’s reputation.
Whether it’s a stranger, a catty bitch at a party, guy friends, or The Mom who’s speaking ill of the object of a man’s desire, he should decide carefully whose side to take. You can bet that the object of admiration will notice when the chivalrous man admiringly corrects someone’s misconceptions about her personality, attributes, or intents. Not only will she notice it, she’ll remember it fondly.
This attitude should not be abandoned once a man is safely ensconced in a relationship. These proper niceties will go a long way in making a woman feel safe, taken care of, adored. And all of these things are likely to lead to a sense of more stability and more freedom of expression and actualization in any relationship.
The gallantry of a fully expressed man is without compare, and that fully expressed masculinity becomes attractive rather than threatening when a woman knows that her man would not only lay his coat over a puddle for her, or raise his voice to defend her, but that he’d put his body in front of hers to protect her.
The Lost Art of Romance
There is no study that can prove whether men or women are more romantic, but I know very few women who feel that their man is too romantic. Besides, for most of us, there’s no such thing as too much of a good thing!
A woman is likely to do a million little things a day to take care of her man. They may be things he doesn’t even notice. She’ll offer subtle romantic gestures like reaching out for his hand when walking side by side. Touching his neck while he drives. Stroking his arm gently while engaged in conversation.
It’s just plain courtesy for a man to offer his lover the same. When he pays attention to her, she notices. If he strokes her, she’s likely to purr.
But it’s the larger gestures that make most women melt; a candle-lit bath drawn for her without request. A massage without the expectation of return. A gift offered for no particular reason. A public display of affection. A surprise romantic celebration of a day that’s special to her.
Needless to say, some of these may be scary to try to pull off. But everyone, male and female alike, wants to be treated like the most important thing on earth every once in a while.
We all want to be someone’s everything. More over, we all want the one who is everything to us to show us that we are everything to them.
There’s more and more being written about the divine masculine and the divine feminine. There’s been plenty written about the wounded woman. There’s little to nothing being written about the wounded man.
It’s time for men to claim their wounds, and in claiming them, start healing themselves into wholeness. I’m not your mama, but as a friend let me entreat you to take this advice seriously.
Many women are realizing that they want to be with men who are proud to be men. So guys, stand up, hold your head high, own those man-parts, and walk forward into the equal-but-different future of a world beyond the sex and gender wars.
ORIGINAL POST on the Elephant Journal
ABOUT the Author: Lasara is wife to her true love, and mother to two amazing young women. She’s also a best-selling author, an educator, and an activist. Lasara’s first book, the bestselling Sexy Witch (nonfiction, Llewellyn Worldwide), was published in 2005 under the name LaSara FireFox. As of 3/6/2012, after a coaching sabbatical, Lasara has openings for three three-week, individual, personally tailored coaching and mentoring programs. She also has slots in a cohort-model group coaching program available for a limited amount of time. Lasara is available for one-session commitments as well. Make whatever commitment feels best for you. Lasara offers individual coaching on topics such as; * Mental and Physical Health and Wellness – accepting your diagnosis (or that of a loved one) – learning to live with awareness of strengths and vulnerabilities – Learning to live gracefully within your spectrum of the possible * Mindful Relationships – self as primary partner – loving partnerships, friendships and connections – marriages – parenting – family * Spiritual Contemplation and Alignment – Entering into and committing to your spiritual inquiry – Learning to listen to listen for and hear the divine in your life – Inquiring into the role that faith may play in informing your path – The role of meditation, contemplation, and prayer in your practice For more information and endorsements, visit: http://lasaraallen.com/about-lasara/coaching-services/
Feeling who you are is the first step; living true to your identity is next.
Your identity is who you feel you are. If you feel you are a corporate executive, you will act very differently than if you feel you are infinite light. Who you feel yourself as is your identity. Spiritual growth involves deepening your identity, feeling more deeply who you are.
But after you have discovered a certain level of depth, then you must conform your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors to this depth of openness—otherwise, your life-practice lags behind your identity-practice. Suppose, for example, you realize that at heart you are love. You realize that although you might function as a mother, a politician, or a baker, at depth you actually are love.
This realization is half of your spiritual practice. The other half is to live true to your newly realized identity, in spite of old habits to the contrary. You can now practice to do love. When you walk, how can you let go of your old habits of tension and move as an expression of the love you feel you are at depth? At your job, how can you work as the love you truly are? What changes do you need to make in your daily life-rituals so that love can radiate through your every breath, action, and relationship?
Most people find it much easier to grow deeper in identity (“Who am I?”) than to express this depth through daily life. They discover they are love, for instance, and still spend hours gossiping or watching TV. They self-justify by thinking they can be love while also lazing around, and this is true. But if they were really sensitive and honest with themselves, they would feel that certain behaviors conduct love more than others do. Singing with a relaxed throat is more conducive to expressing love than singing with a tense throat, although you can love and also be tense. You can make love with a hard belly or a soft belly, but love flows more fully through a soft belly.
“Am I receiving love from others fully into my body? Is love flowing through my body outward to others fully?” You learn to feel the flow of love as feedback. Before, you were able to bad-mouth others with a laugh and a sneer. Now that you have opened more deeply, you can feel how such gossip creates a subtle closure, a tension in yourself and in the friends you are speaking with. So you practice living more true to the depth of love you are, which in this case may mean gossiping less so love can flow more fully through your body and your friends.
You can notice how your diet affects the openness in yourself and others. True, you can be open as love and eat anything. Nevertheless, certain foods may contribute to a subtle closure in your body, emotions, and mind, and therefore instigate closure in your relationships.
Love, or openness, is. You can practice opening just as you are. As you grow in your capacity to be openness, you can also grow in your capacity to do openness. Your body, mind, and actions—whether in dreams or while awake—can live more or less true to the love-openness that is their source.
Whatever appears in any moment, including right now—your thoughts, the room, other people—is the given medium for love’s emergence. You don’t have much control over what appears, but you can practice true to your realized depth—or not. You can choose to gift the world and all others with the deepest love or openness that you can open as. You can practice to think as openness, to act as openness, to breathe as openness, now and in any moment. You can feel the texture of every moment of every relationship and act to align your words and touch and gaze so the openness of love prevails.
You can practice living as the deepest openness that you know you are. One enemy of this practice is laziness, or the misconception that knowing you are love is sufficient. Knowing or feeling the deep openness who you are is fairly easy; living as this openness, and serving all others to live as this love, in every moment through all appearances, is where the art is.
Usually, there is substantial lag time between the realization of depth and your capacity to live it. Your emotions, sex, and relationships tend to be much less open than who you feel you are at depth. True art requires practice. Living as an artful expression of openness—so even the tone of your voice, the grace of your gestures, and the play of your sexing are exquisite expressions of the love who you are—requires years of spontaneous gifting and rigorous practice.
If knowing the truth is sufficient for you, then practice the art of philosophy. If only living the truth will suffice, then practice the art of love through your mind, your emotions, and your body. Do your best to breathe love, in and out.
Receive the presence of the entire moment deep into your body—into your heart, into your belly, into your loins—as a lover would open deeply to receive her trusted beloved. Give your deepest love, pressing your love into the moment’s openness without holding anything back, as a lover would press his love gently and deeply into his trusting beloved. Soften your belly as love. Speak so that listeners open. Prepare food and arrange your house as love’s radiant gifts of enchantment.
Even in your nighttime dreams, your daydreams, and your secret moments of private time, practice the art of doing love through whatever medium appears. When you notice your mind wandering to a sexual fantasy, consciously guide the imagery toward love’s fullness, so that all the characters in the fantasy are heartfully served by your sexual gifts and opened as love’s unbound ecstasy. If you find yourself lonely, raiding the refrigerator at night, suck the fullness of the moment deep into your heart with each swallow, and allow each mouthful’s joy to radiate outward, breathing your secret pleasure as a gift freely offered from your heart through your whole body to all.
In this way, every place that comes and goes also opens as love fully offered.
From Blue Truth by David Deida, Chapter 15
“At the back of the womb there lay flesh that demanded to be penetrated. it curved inwards, opening to suck. The flesh walls moved like a sea anemones, seeking by suction to draw his sex in… She opened her mouth as if to reveal the openness of the womb, its hunger, and only then did he plunge to the very bottom and felt her contractions…” – Anais Nin, Delta of Venus
I don’t know about you but if you are a woman and you read this quote I hope it make’s your pussy contract the way it does mine. As my eyes linger across each word of Nin’s I can feel the rapture of turn on in my body. My mouth dampens as does my pussy, deep contractions start to form in it’s velvety walls. My clit pulses with anticipation and hope to soon be sucked as my cervix screams in her own language, YES, YES. Even my breasts feel more engorged with each breath while reading.
If you feel little to nothing from reading those words then perhaps you are one in the ever growing field of women in our western world that suffers from hypoactive sexual desire disorder. And this ladies, is a REAL issue.
Gentlemen, if your reading this and you are thinking:
“Damn, I want to make a woman open to me like that.” or
“What the heck is she speaking of? penetrating the womb? what?”
The above quote is referring to a cervical orgasm where yes your finger or cock may actually, safely and pleasurably for both parties penetrate the cervix. David Deida refers to it as a cervical kiss on the head of your penis.
Sadly this can only be accomplished if a woman is properly stimulated, relaxed, trusting and full of desire. Many women in today’s world and time just are none of the above, while many men of today’s time do not know how to get the ladies in their life to this state of luscious being and do not have the sexual education outside of porn to achieve these results that will keep a woman in orgasmic bliss for hours and sometimes even days. The high and release that a woman get’s from this experience DOES indeed carry her for a long time and is something that she will never forget.
This sort of orgasm is not achieved by how “big” a man is.
It is not achieved by how long you have known each other or been dating.
It is not achieved by hours of thrusting and grinding away.
It is not achieved by how tight a woman is or if she has ever had a vaginal orgasm or G-spot orgasm.
The main key to this orgasm is preparation!
As with anything that is worth it’s weight in gold and let me tell you a cervical orgasm is worth 10 kingdom’s of gold in my opinion, one must prepare the grounds to be fertile and have patience, understanding and flexibility. Both parties must be willing to take it slow, check in constantly and remain as open as possible.
So how do you “Stoke the fire” in tantric terms?
This can be a difficult feat in today’s world. With anywhere from 27-34% of women (that is more than double of the male %) experiencing low sexual desire and because women are feeling an all time low in sexual function and desire they are looking at men with pointed finger’s saying, ” You are a sex addict and have a problem.”
Our sexual education in society is limited to put it kindly and tainted by shame, embarrassment and fear. In general we the people are scared to get our f**k on!
Especially we women.
Women are built to be f*ked, we are designed to be f*ked open deeply by our men. Our pussies once re-opened to the pleasure, energy, healing and joy of orgasm are insatiable.
It is high time that we wake up and realize that what we think we know about female arousal and sexuality is simply out of date. Women NEED sex. A healthy woman want’s sex and enjoy’s it, deeply. She eagerly opens into the raptures of orgasm and she goes deeper then her clit can take her from a few moments stimulation. She understands that through her sexing she can heal the trauma of her vagina and overcome such epidemic issue’s as: depression, weight-gain, irritability, irregular menstrual cycle’s, fatigue, chronic migraine’s and headache, stress related issues, lack of clarity and instead boost her immune system and become a creative muse full of desire, direction, love, forgiveness, passion, and empathy.
A woman empowered through her sexing is a beautiful and rare bird to see. She is an angel not afraid to soar to the highest of highs and fully reveal herself to her lover. She is equally comfortable in walking through the fire’s of life vulnerably without being a victim.
She is radiant! Her fire is stoked.
ORGASM: Potential to treat depression, anxiety, pain, addiction and obesity! Improve brain function, increase memory, help with decision making ability and sO much mOre!
Nobody needs to convince me that orgasms are good for your health. As a former editor of The Erotic Review and a veteran sex columnist, I’ve written about sex for more than 17 years. I’ve interviewed fetishists, swingers, sadists and even met a charming lady from Sevenoaks who ran a bordello.
But I’ve yet to meet a man who has devoted as much time and energy to the female orgasm as the avuncular 72-year-old who is currently peering down at me as I sit on a medical table just outside New York.
Dr Barry Komisaruk has dedicated 30 years of his life to exploring the science of the Big O, and I’m so intrigued by his research that I have volunteered to become one of his human orgasm guinea pigs. I will be the first British woman to take part in his project. So what’s involved?
Well, strange as it may sound, I am about to lie down and be propelled backwards into the narrow tube of an MRI scanner, where I will hit the heights of passion and have my brain mapped by the scanner as I do so – and all in the name of science.
How on Earth did this happen? Professor Barry Komisaruk is hardly your typical scientist. For three decades he has studied the science of orgasm from his base at Rutgers University, New Jersey.
The Professor worded his conclusion cautiously, as befits a scientist still compiling key data: ‘The surge of blood and oxygen and nutrients throughout the brain during orgasm is most likely going to be beneficial to brain health.’
In other words: orgasms are good for the brain. This is great news for Hugh Hefner and, indeed, the rest of us, although the exact ways in which orgasm boosts brain function are still unclear. It certainly seems that the moment the French call the petite mort is actually an invigorating zip of new life.
So could an orgasm give the brain a better workout than Sudoku? And if so, then what might the implications be for our ageing population? Might having regular orgasms help improve our memory, keep your brain youthful or even help us live longer? There’s only way to find out.
He found that during orgasm there is a surge of blood, oxygen and nutrients most likely to be beneficial.
In practice, however, having an orgasm in the name of science is not a simple feat – and I’m not even talking about the wide ocean of embarrassment to cross. As anyone who has ever had an MRI scan will know, you must stay motionless during the procedure, especially the area that’s being scanned – in my case my head. It is a tough call in the throes of ecstasy.
So the scientists have devised a fetching neck brace and mask system to make sure subjects don’t move, even if the earth does. With my mask on, I look like Hannibal Lecter’s more sinister sister. It’s hardly aphrodisiacal and the fitting process is particularly unsexy.
The brace is tightened until my chin and neck are immobilised. The plastic mesh of the mask is then softened with hot water and the two halves moulded round the head. When it sets, the mask is removed, the eyes are cut out and – bingo – my very own orgasm helmet.
‘Might having regular orgasms help improve our memory, keep your brain youthful or even help us live longer? There’s only one way to find out’ I wonder how I’m ever going to have sexy thoughts while wearing this contraption. However, many women have managed the manoeuvre before me and I’ll be hanged if I let down British honour by failing to progress where my American sisters have triumphed. I have decided the only way to manage the whole exercise is to treat it like a Girl Guide challenge.
Having said that, under normal circumstances, nothing would induce me to share such an intimate experience with a bunch of strangers. I am British, I am married (my husband rolled his eyes when he learned of the assignment, then went off to make a model Spitfire) and, despite years of writing about sex, I am disinclined to share exact details of my own experience of it.
However, this research is so pioneering, while the implications for mental health are so intriguing, that I found the invitation to participate in the Professor’s study compelling.
For he is hardly alone in his conclusion that orgasms are beneficial to people’s wellbeing.
Researchers elsewhere have shown that men who have frequent orgasms are less likely to suffer prostate cancer, while women who experience a higher instance of climax are less likely to fall victim to heart disease.
But it’s the implications for the brain, mental health and the human capacity to control pain that really intrigue the Rutgers team. They believe that pleasure is a powerful tonic all of its own, as demonstrated by the uptake of oxygen and nutrients to the brain during orgasm.
They have also long demonstrated the fact that the orgasm has a powerful ‘pain-blocking’ effect on the body – essentially that the pleasure of a climax helps block feelings of pain.
As Professor Komisaruk says, ‘If we understand how pleasure is produced in the brain, and if we can increase the activity of the pleasure systems of the brain voluntarily, then it could have beneficial effects on depression, anxiety, pain, addiction and obesity.’
I can’t help wondering what inspired this measured and intensely reflective scientist to devote his life to unlocking the mysteries of the orgasm. The answer is both complex and moving. His work on the topic began when he discovered a link between sexual arousal and an increased pain threshold in an experiment on female laboratory animals.
He was fascinated by the connection, and followed it up with focus on the female orgasm. His research is, of course, also applicable to men, as he says, ‘There are some slight differences between men and women at orgasm, but the similarities are far greater than the differences.’
His interest in the subject only deepened when his beloved wife contracted breast cancer in 1971.
Feeling helpless in the face of his wife’s agony, he was spurred into action. ‘I said to myself, “Don’t just stand there like a dummy. If you think you’re so smart, go do something useful and figure out how to help her block pain.”‘
Komisaruk determined to see if the brain’s signals for pain can be overridden by those for pleasure.
His research took years to advance, and sadly, his wife died in 1982, a tragic turn of events which only strengthened his resolve.
In 2000 he started to use a highly sophisticated MRI scanner which enabled him to see exactly what happened to the brain during orgasm. He believes that if we better understand our brains’ pleasure pathways, we are one step closer to utilising them to counter pain, stress and anxiety.
‘My hope is that in the future we will be able to harness the brain’s capacity for sexual pleasure to counteract pain, depression, anxiety and addiction.
Intrigued by all this, I ask the professor how he believes pain relief will have changed, say, 50 years in the future.
He believes that, as the existing technology improves, humans will learn how to activate their brain’s pleasure pathways to counter pain.
This, he believes, would prove a powerful antidote to all manner of disorders, from the pain of cancer to mental trauma. He also thinks there could be implications for the ageing brain, since there’s already good evidence that people who have active sex lives live longer than those who don’t.
The charming Komisaruk laughs when I ask him if having an orgasm can really make me smarter. He points out that he’s just at the start of many avenues of research.
‘We really don’t understand how neurons (which are nerve cells) produce such profound experiences of pain, or pleasure, or even how the activity of a neuron can produce the simplest bit of consciousness and awareness.
‘For me, that’s just as intriguing as the question of the origin of the universe.’
He appears quietly confident, however, that there are major health benefits to human orgasms which are encrypted in our brains, just waiting to be deciphered and liberated for the good of the human race.
So when I offer myself up as an orgasm volunteer, I do so for the good of us all. Or, at least, that’s my excuse when Professor Komisaruk escorts me towards the Orgasmatron (as I’ve started thinking of the scanner).
The Professor’s doctoral research associate, the ebullient 56-year-old Nan Wise talks me through the procedure, while I confess my fears. I am frightened of being seen by others, but Nan assures me they will dim lights and pull down a blind in the observation window when the scan begins. The only person who will be able to see anything of me will be the MRI operator, who will just glimpse the soles of my bed socks (note to self: don’t flex soles in ecstasy).
I am also worried about claustrophobia, but Wise tells me they use mirrors to create a periscope effect over the subject’s face that both relays instructions from a computer screen and gives the illusion of space. Above all, I am anxious about trying to achieve lift-off in such a clinical environment. Wise says that while most scan subjects get there, some don’t and it doesn’t matter.
I don’t tell her that I’ll believe myself a bad Girl Guide if I don’t.
Once clad in a white cotton robe and blue fleece bed socks, there’s only the mask to fit, which is when I have my only serious wobble.
The plastic mesh has set hard against my nostrils and is restricting airflow. I begin to panic; this is more Silence of the Lambs than 50 Shades of Grey.
The whole team rushes to help. The mask is removed and the rubber covering my nose is cut out by the Professor. I may look even madder, but I can breathe. Finally, everyone exits the room, apart from the scan operator.
He lays a panic button on my stomach and says they’ll stop the procedure immediately if I press it. In my right hand I clutch another switch with a button to be pressed at the start and end of my orgasm, so the researchers can match the exact point I start to climax with the MRI data and time its duration.
I glide backwards into the tube of the scanner and find my face directly under what appears to be a computer screen.
The operator asks if I’m ok and I say yes – or an approximation of yes, considering my mouth’s covered by mesh, my ears are plugged against the scanner’s metallic hum and I can’t nod my head.
Then he turns the scanner on and we’re off. I wasn’t expecting how removed I feel from reality. It’s like being David Bowie’s Major Tom, ‘floating round my tin can/Far above the world’.
It’s strangely intimate here inside the scanner’s snug womb. Then a set of instructions commence on the screen, telling me what I should be doing, and how long for.
The whole exercise is rather like a form of sensory meditation and by the time I’m instructed to commence countdown to the big O, I’m strangely in the mood.
This is a family newspaper, so I will draw a veil over the more kinetic aspects of what next transpired. Suffice to say, the Girl Guides should be proud of me.
Having pondered Komisaruk’s research – and her role in it – Rowan says she is increasingly convinced human orgasm may prove to be our greatest natural panacea: key to countering pain with pleasure
The only problem was that I was so carried away that I pushed the button twice by mistake (or maybe in an ecstasy of ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!’), making it appear my orgasm lasted all of one second. However, I had a chance to reprieve myself as I was given a second chance.
This time round I was more relaxed, and, Reader, I managed it. Twice. It may not be the most romantic story to tell my grandchildren, but it will nevertheless be a feat I’m proud of.
After all, I’ve played an important role in pioneering research. And when Dr Komisaruk analysed the scan data he found that – confirming his previous studies – the areas of my brain controlling memory, emotion, decision-making and pain all lit up like the National Grid as vital blood and nutrients flowed to them.
It seems that at the peak of my sexual pleasure, my brain was having a party.
While it’s easy to see that doctors working on investigating brain function have much to learn from the Professor’s work, it is the relationship between pain and pleasure which most fascinates him.
As he says, ‘If further research enables us to understand this interaction better, it may help us to more effectively control pain.
‘My hope is that in the future we will be able to harness the brain’s capacity for sexual pleasure to counteract pain, depression, anxiety and addiction.’
As I clambered out of the MRI scanner, I thought that even if it’s hard to know just how good sex is for the brain, it certainly can’t hurt it.
In the early evening light, I bid farewell to the Big O Hunters in a daze of science and post-lab languor. Having pondered Komisaruk’s research – and my role in it – I’m increasingly convinced human orgasm may prove to be our greatest natural panacea: key to countering pain with pleasure.
Plus the power of passion certainly does seem to have upped my IQ: I finished a cryptic crossword yesterday for the first time ever.
Read Original Article
Standing in who you authentically are and living in that truth each day is the most courageous thing any being can do in life. -KW
What is Authentic Living?
A: Being yourself without compromise.
“I have been asked what is Authentic Living many times already. I’ve been asked to explain what it is and what we do. I always answer the person asking with this. **What does your authentic life look like? What are you doing now that gives yourself permission to be authentic?** After all that is what we strive to do here. Be the permission for people to figure out what their authentic life looks like, feels like, sounds like. By using all the tools we have available to us we work with our clients to uncover their authentic life.
Each person’s authentic life is different and that’s the beauty of it. We are working with the clients basic needs, wants and desires to uncover what it is that will allow them to have more authentic communication with themselves and others. To find what you are truly passionate about and how to live life the way you want to. Once we uncover the passion we work together to develop a plan to remove any blockages or challenges to allow the client to make lasting changes in their life. “ (Scott Beauregard, founder of Authentic Living and Strategic Intervention Specialist )
In our world there are so many voices telling us who we should be or what we should do. Society pushes through media and other resources an illusion of what success is and tell’s us that there are limited ways of achieving it.
We are told that we should follow our dreams when we are young but as soon as we come of a certain age we then wake up to having our dreams burst by those we love and respect the most and instead are told that dreaming is for fools. We are told not to follow our bliss but instead to follow the tried and true path that someone else has set out before us.
Do as they do. Walk the path that is most trodden. DO NOT be uniquely YOU.
Fear is planted and shame for hungerly wanting to live authentic, unbound and free is supported in all streams of relating around us. We look out into the world and we idolize those who appear to be living the unbound life with purpose but we cower and hang our own heads as we look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are not good enough and should not want this for ourselves.
Living authentic and on purpose is for the ‘special’ people of the world.
Well folks, I for one have something important to share with you. It takes great courage to stand in your truth and be authentic in your life. It may be the hardest thing any being will ever do in their lives. It may make you sick to your stomach on some days and you may question if you can survive your fear.
To be your authentic self fully is a measure of real success. Not the size of your house, what kind of car you drive or what college you graduated from. In the end no one is going to care how many certificates you have hanging on your wall. Your great grandchildren will not give a damn about what school or even the title you earned at work, what they will want to know is “what kind of person was granny or grandpa?” “Did they live life to the fullest? Did they love to the fullest?”
In order to transcend the conditioning that you have been raised with, you have to learn how to let go of the persona you know to be you. You have to release your past, step out of the victim mindset, and WANT to stand firmly in your POWER.
“One of the most devastating things you can do is betray yourself.” -KW
There reaches a point in our lives when living anything less than the bigness of who we really are is no longer an option. It’s just too painful to pretend to be someone that we aren’t, to try and fit into others expectations and continue to play small.
Is this that time for you?
STOP betraying yourself and CLAIM your epic life today!
If you are ready, you will simply know.
I invite you to APPLY for the Authentic Holiday Living & Relating Strategic Coaching Today.
Available Now till Nov. 23rd, 2013
There are Limited spaces remaining! So if you feel the calling in your heart, take the next step and APPLY now!
Learn More Here
I feel confident in promising you that this is a life altering journey beyond anything you could ever imagine. Take the courageous step, GIVE the GIFT now of being your TRUE Self.
I am a strong, powerful, willful woman who has been called a “force of nature” by many. And today, if I was to a be a vase, packed into a box for shipping – I would need extra bubble wrap around me today. My skin actually hurts.
I would need the card board box to be firm and hard. I wouldn’t suggest putting me in an airplane. I would require a delivery man. I am feeling that fragile.
It’s the kind of fragile that can make mistakes. I’m the kind of fragile that can make me feel like I won’t be delivered safely. That somehow, I will fall like the vase to the ground and shatter. And it’s so much work to put me back together again. All of that awful stinky sticky glue.
It’s hard to look at someone who leads, and see their fragility. We want to believe that our teachers and leaders never cry or feel lost or fuck up. But somehow, I think that the best of us do. We might even question why we are leading. Or our life’ purpose!
Do you ever feel this way? Do you ever speak it?
I have been talking a lot the past few weeks about women, and how we love and support each other – and how we don’t.
So many of my friends are deeply involved in women’s circles, or various other female dynamics in complicated relationships.
And it seems that we are all shaking on some level. Is it the stars?
The sins we commit against each other as women is lack of support. A competitiveness that seems to have an underbelly hidden through soft words.
A lack of seeing each other with gentle eyes. We hurt. We hurt each other. We hide. We project. We become mute or duplicitous, and we fester like boiling water until one day we erupt like a geyser. Do we forget we unravel in grief?
So many of us hold deep trauma in our lives. For me, this is different than the drama some of us layer on top of our lives as a distraction from perhaps what is real trauma – or dare I say it – boredom.
Do you reach out to your friends, and ask for extra love and support when you are hurting this way? Or do you hope that they just notice and get it, and call you?
Or if you are feeling strong, do you make yourself available to your friends to wrap them up in bubble wrap when their skin hurts and their heart beats funny? Do you just offer soft kisses on the forehead?
Does letting yourself be seen in your trembling state feel too needy to you? Some of us just wait and hope that our need will be seen – and support will just show up. Some of us create anger, because any kind of attention to our pain even negative attention can fill us up in some way or another.
And some of us, walk around the house looking for bubble wrap and retreat for a few days.
Sometimes, it can be as simple as needing rest.
Loving you from here, and please send a little bubble wrap my way!
Pamela Madsen, Author of Shameless, Sexuality & Fertility Coach, Integrative Life Coach Specializing in Women’s Issues
Websites: Back To The Body, Pamela Madsen.org
A funny, sexy, and wildly entertaining look at the rewards of fully realized desire in the life of one ordinary woman.
At 43 years old, Pamela Madsen was happily married to the man she fell in love with at 17. She was the mother of two sons and had a successful career as a nationally known advocate for fertility issues. But she felt a growing sexual restlessness and yearning that wouldn’t let up. And though Pamela loved her husband and didn’t want to have an affair, she knew deep down that she needed more, much more. In Shameless, she tells the story of how she found it—and not only kept her marriage intact but made it stronger than ever.
In this fearless memoir, Pamela tells the story of her search for sexual, personal, and spiritual wholeness. She explores, in riveting detail, what she experienced at the hands of sexual healers, men who brought her untold pleasure (and became her close friends in the process).
But this is not just another sex book: Shameless is also an account of how Pamela’s journey healed her issues with food and body image and most important, helped her weave the many roles that she played—daughter, friend, partner, mother—into one fully integrated person. It is a story about a woman falling in love with herself and a call to other women to do the same.
Vulnerability picture by Seth Barns